 So today we're going to talk about ways to make a man chase you without playing games And I'm really excited to invite a dear friend of mine Thomas Edwards Who's a professional dating a relationship coach and what spurred this conversation actually relates to dating apps? He did a post on Facebook suggesting that dating apps are on the decline So Thomas before we get into the particulars Looks like is your mic is your phone is your oh there we go before we get into the particulars I want to talk about dating apps for a second and whether or not So why don't you share with everybody who's watching? What was the post and the impetus for it and everything else? Yeah, so you know first of all, thanks for having me on here man It's the first of all great to see you and the connect like yeah And I was reading a lot of information just around like what's going on with online dating post code Yeah, you know, I think COVID was Was essentially the the gasoline that just made online dating go to a whole nother level and yeah Is there exhaustion there? I was just curious and so I started reading some articles and I just noticed that You know the way to really see how businesses are doing is when you listen to their like end of year reports And they're quarterly reports that they have to report publicly and You start to see some of the stats that's going on and I started to notice that online dating year over year has actually declined a minimum of four to five percent across the board match in particular Across their apps has seen a greater decline around 15 to 16 percent and even Tinder Has seen a much bigger decline and so if this is happening across the board What is that telling me? Well, I posted that online dating will will definitely be on the decline and expect the layoffs over the next 12 to 24 Months just because from a business perspective That's just what happens when you start to see that that kind of decline happened So that's what spurred that conversation interesting So I'm gonna share with you something kind of funny because I'm on I'm on bumble I'm on hinge. I'm on match But I always think a match as a site not an app, you know Because it's more robust and I'm on millionaire match Which I just think people pay more to be on there. So there's a little bit if you're willing to invest more, you know Yeah, maybe that suggests Yeah, so but what's fascinating to me that happened today all of a sudden I have like I paid extra for the See who's who swiped you category feature. Yeah, all of a sudden I had 50 women in there And I was like, holy shit what happened and and by the way, it's been crickets for like two months And I'm like, okay. Have they been hiding my profile and all of a sudden it's popped up again And then I'm wondering how long that's gonna last. Do you have it? Do you know anything about what I just shared? Yeah, so this is so when I started noticing that there's a decline in online dating I was like, all right. Well business these companies have to do something, right? So what are they gonna do? Well, here comes higher tiers They basically will create ways where you the user needs to spend more money for user for features that you should already Inherently have so whether it's being able to see who's matched who who swiped on you or being more available and accessible on on certain apps or Getting higher like that for example the league charges 30,000. I think it's 30,000 a year for their highest tier I think tenders right now. I think they launched a five hundred dollar a month Wow program where you can have more swipes available and also be able to see when someone swipes you but Yeah, the thing is we should have access to this information already, right? And what it basically has become is they've you know businesses have taken the same business model that Google ads Has, you know, they're able to make tons of money on and they basically are now incorporating that into the dating apps So if you want to be more seen and you want to see who's seen you well, you're gonna have to play for your placement You know, and it's just it's it made me realize that you know These days the business is online dating is to actually keep you on the site for as long as possible That's just really what it's interesting because I had this thought the other day I I live in a I live in Redondo Beach You used to live here in Southern California and I would say if you drew a circle of say 10 mile circle There's probably let's just say there's a million people live here and cut that in half half of them men half of them women Half a million let's cut that in half of single versus, you know, they youngsters or whatnot So that puts us at a quarter million and let's cut that in half that their age possibly age appropriate So let's bring that down. Let's well Let's even cut that in half again and again and we come up with say let's just say there's 30,000 people that are in my age demographic. Okay, that could be single Mm-hmm. I go on match.com and I do a search within that same parameters and only 500 people show up My point to bringing this up is I think there should be a national singles registry Driver's license, you know like every because it occurs to me that there's probably 20,000 people literally lived within five miles of me that I just don't know that exist Yeah, yeah, and so this comes back to the question about dating apps Are they obsolete? But I guess really the question is should we ditch our dating apps and go to a more organic way of meeting people again? Yeah, I mean, I remember back in 2000 I want to say 2012 2013 and so if you can kind of remember what this time looks like, you know Twitter I think Twitter had eclipsed a million users at that time and okay tender did not exist I mean in fact location-based dating right like when you have dating apps that actually will pin your your location That was pretty controversial back then people didn't want to be found They didn't like the idea of their location services being available and on all the time, right? So we I noticed that there was an acceleration of like this Availability that we were going to live in and I knew that at some point We were gonna face what I originally called at the time an analog phase And it didn't mean that like all of a sudden technology was gonna be obsolete But we were going to at some point prioritize Finding ways to accelerate meeting people in person face-to-face. Yeah, IRL in other words, right? So I think COVID came in and they accelerated that and I think what we're seeing now is people aren't necessarily ditching me I mean, there are some people who are ditching the apps. Don't they'll get me wrong They're they're over it. They're exhausted and they're fatigued However, there are some people who are realizing well, you know what I'm better off trying my luck meeting people in real life and Speed dating events are now becoming more popular again and being able to go out in social environments not necessarily bars, but themed venues whether it's sober curious bars or Dessert bars or people who are now looking to find people through think activities that they enjoy So meet-up groups and event groups, you know, these are now building up So it's interesting and I have two things. I want to share right now with you a In in line with what you just shared actually in about 45 days at the end of March I'm gonna looks like I'm hosting an event where I'm gonna be speaking for an hour and a half And then it's gonna turn into a singles mixer and my goal is to get 50 plus, you know, say 25 30 men and women In this and we're working on I'm working on the logistics, but the idea is to it's called ditch the dating apps You know meet organically, but you shared something earlier, you know I think dating at see when match.com came out or really it was AOL Personals and Yahoo! Personals, then it got run out by Match and then there was J-Date and E-Harmony What was interesting there was actually a lot of success for the dating sites and what I mean to say there was more robust Information there was an essay. There were more things checked off and I believe and correct me if I'm wrong I think it was grinder that got all this started, you know It was the app where you could hook up like you're at a bar in Santa Monica And you want to look at who's like who's literally standing next to you that you could hook up with Yeah, and that's when swipe apps Began and then they took it to the dating marketplace and I feel as though that it is both Marginalized people but more importantly, it's bastardized the meeting process. Yes, it's brought it down to something so superficial That I'm not surprised. We're seeing a decline. Yeah in the dating marketplace so All right We just bash dating apps and yet by the way, let's just be real. It's still gonna be around It's totally in the wheel The title of this video is called make him chase you without playing games and the reason why it shows that is you You particularly spend more time coaching men than you do women. I coach women predominantly and you coach men Why are men coming to you like what help are they seeking? Are they just looking to hook up? Are they really genuinely looking for a relationship? Great question. So yeah, I've built my my business and my reputation on the idea that I'm not here to help guys get laid Now here's the truth doesn't mean that they don't have you know great times along the way But that's not their primary focus They really want to develop the the confidence and the social skills to meet the person that they truly desire Now what their vision is of who they desire and who they actually are what like built to to attract Might be two different things and so my goal is to help bridge that gap You know to be help them become the man that attracts who it is that they are meant to be with It may not say be what they think they want But they will certainly be happy with who they who they get based on who they become Yeah, so okay, and and would you say like women will tell me they think men are commitment phobic men are players men are Emotionally unavailable or I call them emotionally constipated They're go throughs it's just you know from your experience, you know because you're I Sense you work with men from a genuine place that these are men who sincerely want a relationship What is their frustration like it like you know, I can share with you women's frustration But what are men's frustration in the dating marketplace? They feel like they don't have a chance You know they feel like in a world where you can literally go on social media And if you're a woman, you mean if you if you want an instant validation All you need to do is post a picture on social media and for the most part if you're Attractive you're gonna be flooded with dm's It's I mean the instant Graphication and and for those boomers that are watching dm stands for Direct message For those who buy boomers who are watching okay. All right, so keep going Yeah, you know and so we we now live in a world where you know the dating marketplace has gone global Right. We're not just You're not just walking around the block and finding that person or going into your neighborhood bar and meeting that person Like it is completely globalized and guys have a really hard time competing because if they are interested in an attractive person someone in dubai who Is living in an amazing life can literally just walk in and You know really grab their attention in their appeal and pull them away. So Um, yeah Let me ask you something. Okay. I've heard this argument all the on all the red pill community and everything You're really talking about that small percentage of people that live in like You know like miami la or new york. What about I mean, let's just talk about the average person You know that's not dealing with the woman who's an only fans model or anything else I'm talking about the average woman, you know between the ages of 30 and 69 if you will You know and man. Okay. I'm really talking about men between 30 and 69 I should say Yeah, like what is their real like like the title is make him chase you and and I don't and I'm about make him chase you Obviously, but if their fear is not even being at is that really their fear? Or is there something deeper that we're not really aware of? Yeah, so that was the first part, right? so the second part is I mean the what the go-to is rejection right guys are just naturally afraid of rejection, right? And what I found through my time working with guys is that they just lack emotional intelligence Right, they just they just do but it's because they also lack emotional experience So Say what say that one more time. They I really want you to emphasize this for a moment Yeah, so they lack emotional intelligence and and that is because they lack emotional experience Wow, you know, that's I now that I I haven't heard of it in that way emotional experience All right, let's let's play with this one. Yeah, so I'm gonna I'm gonna use simple numbers just to give you an idea of the comparison between The gap between a woman's emotional intelligence and a guy's emotional intelligence, right so At 18 years old Let's just say you're going to a college and that you know and you're you're choosing well, you're out there You're socializing and you're relatively attractive, right? Like Not not using any scale, but let's just say you're just an attractive woman, right? And you're going out Let's say between the hours of of 10 a.m. To sorry 10 p.m. To 2 a.m. Right on friday and saturday Okay, now chances are if you're out at a bar or not a bar like a House party or you're at another person's place and there's a lot of guys there and you're mingling You're probably gonna be approached anywhere on conservatively speaking Let's say five men in that five that four hour period, right? You may not be attracted to any of them, but they're gonna approach you because you're attracted They're gonna shoot their shot if they will So that's 10 guys a weekend between the hours of 10 p.m. And 2 a.m. Right so eight hours a week 10 guys a week Let's say theoretically you you are exposed to that every single week Right, so that's 520 men a year Now by the time you're 28, that's 5200 men who have approached you, right? I'm not even Okay, and I don't mean to interrupt you but I do want to let you know my audience is A bit older. So we've got an older demographic and by the way, I need to make a correction on something I said I I did say people between the ages 30 and 69. I got some blowback So any human over 30 years old correction, but let's let's think about this for more like You know like that 40 year old not the 20. Yeah Well, I'm a woman really getting hit on that frequently or the 50 year old woman getting hit on it's frequently That number that number will start to decline after the 30 the 30, you know year mark ish Right depending on you know your your lifestyle, but the but I'm really just kind of explaining the gap in an intelligence here, right? and so When you so that's 5200 people by the time you're 28 by the time you're 38. Let's say that number goes to Somewhere around 8,000 men, right? So in 20 years you've been approached by 8,000 men Now I'm still talking about between the hours of 10 p.m. And 2 a.m. I'm not saying that You know, you're gonna be 38 years old out during those hours. I just wanted to point out eight hours out of 168 You're being approached. You've been approached by over the 8,000 men I'm not talking about when you're walking down the street living your life I mean, so it's so much more than that Now let's contrast, right? Five guys approach a woman in one night. Well that one guy is probably approaching maybe that one person that night So that means they're probably approaching two women that weekend Which means they're only approaching a hundred women In a year and by the time they're 28, they've probably they may have approached a thousand women Right. So now we have A woman who's approached, you know, 5,000 times and a guy who's approached who has made the approach a thousand times now I don't know about you, but I have yet to meet More than maybe a dozen men who've been actually able to make over a thousand approaches So the numbers are actually even smaller I've got game and I don't even have that kind of number and I've been around the block for 50 plus years Yeah, so I'm just speaking to that that that gap of emotional experience is just so vast that guys It's very difficult for guys to figure out what they need to do In order to create a connection where women They're because of natural exposure They intuitively know what's going on they can intuitively sense if a guy's just not For that or if a guy's not legit So one of the questions I ask on my application for coaching is on a scale from 1 to 10 10 being the highest how easily can you get a date? And and of most women say seven eight nine or 10 I mean they are they don't have the problem getting a date They might have a problem getting the kind of date they want, but they have no problem getting the date I think what you're saying is for men and I mean let's let's be clear if you're a man who's Six foot two Great physical condition. You've got a bit of money, you know, you're you know, or you got a fair amount of money You know, you've got You know, you got six pack abs and a chiseled chin and you look like George Clooney for argument's sake You know, you're not going to have a problem connecting with women The reality is the average person on a scale from 1 to 5 0 to 10 is a 5. Okay. I mean, that's just what average is right. Yeah Are you saying that the I think where you're going is the average guy doesn't even get up to that Yeah, and so you know Do you believe okay, so where i'm coming from is this I I Believe there are men who are thirsty for relationships But they're they're swiped by Yeah Yep, you know Statement this is the disaster of the dating market And so guys who aren't willing to approach or have the confidence to do so or have the skill set to do so They're going to resort to online now. The problem with that is they can plan and You know kind of shape up how they're going to communicate and it might actually work because they have time They're not on the spot. They can actually create a good dynamic But then when they get together on that first date, that's where they get exposed For for the most part. I mean that I don't mean that in a negative way. I just mean that like those gas lack of emotional experience Is exposed and so Yeah, you know what is that a woman's responsibility to educate a man on emotional experience? Absolutely not Okay, absolutely not so for other the women who are paying attention. It is not your responsibility It is a man's responsibility to get his stuff together to be in position to attract and chase you I think it's so important because You know I love I love women when I taught when I used to work with women a lot of them would tell me, you know I see the potential in this guy if he just did certain things Maybe I can encourage him to do so that actually just doesn't really work because he's not learning anything he's just basically Responding to behavior that you're you're kind of validating on on his end and then it creates a a weird, you know codependent Relationship where he needs validation all the time to know if he's doing the right thing or the wrong thing and he has zero independent thinking or You know kind of going back to what we said that emotional intelligence to actually know what he should be doing It's in the first place Okay, so Let's go back to the title make him chase you without games or tricks There are a lot of coaches out there the book the rules You know Again, you know the forefront of playing games like don't return a text right away make him wait make him do that You know like all these game playing What's going to make a guy Really want to invest in a woman um From your perspective from the guy's perspective in other words, what do you see, you know What's it going to take for these guys to actually and by the way chase simply means the word effort Let's just replace the word chase with effort. That's all it is because you don't want to chase a running You know someone that's running away What's it going to take for these guys to actually make effort without the game playing? for a long time I've when I used to work with women and we would talk about this idea of being proactive And we talked about how that's not being aggressive because being proactive doesn't mean to make the first move or To initiate certain things. It's more about physically maybe In conversation or emotionally putting yourself in position For him to see the signs for to make a move and When you are able to do that what I've seen and it could be so I'll give you like a um This may not be a standard that is relatable right now, but I just doing it for visual purposes, right? Okay, okay, right if you're in a social venue I don't know. Let's call it a bar because it doesn't have to be a bar But if you're at a social venue And you're going to connect with people Yeah, what's a better place to be like out in the corner of the venue or More closer to the men that you are actually interested in in connecting with Hmm, right and so positioning yourself in those positions Who will allow you to to have a better chance of being talked to? Um or being approached and so little things like that um do make a difference because Once again, guys don't have the emotional intelligence. And so what you think Is obvious they may completely miss it And which kind of sucks so right so the responsibility that I I say that women have is just to be More proactive in positioning themselves both in conversation and physically To have a move be made on them so I'm going to be candid. I I'm I struggle like out in public like, you know, it's so funny. I'm so gregarious on channel I mean on videos everybody thinks I'm this extrovert, but believe it or not I'm actually ridiculously shy when I'm out in public and um And I remember one time it was uh, st. Patrick's day. I was out and there was this uh, Woman at a table like two tables over from me. I'm looking at her. She's looking at me. I'm looking at her She's looking at me. I'm looking at her. She's looking at me This goes on for about an hour and a half before I finally got the balls to say something Um, so and and and I've got game, you know, yeah Yeah, I mean in other words, I'm a conversationalist. I have no problem, but there's that here um And I remember and I share this story with a friend of mine She was once at a uh, it happened to be a restaurant bar kind of environment And what she did was to put herself in a position to be seen. She threw an ice cube at a guy And then he's like what the hell happened and they got in a conversation By the way, they dated for three years, you know Yeah, I I know you're not saying be that that's I know that's not whether we call that aggressive or not It's kind of making your presence known. I think is what you're really saying is make your presence. No um But I want to go deeper now. Mm-hmm. Let's go past the first second third fourth date Where is most of the hang-ups happening in relationships like why is it we're not seeing More Healthier happier relationships once you get past the I like you you like me Yeah I would say just with with my clients I mean, I have some clients now that i'm working with who are married and in relationships And I would say the number one thing that they want to when they come to me and they want to be better at is communication okay, so one of the things that Guys and I think this is important to say for women to understand too as guys will always be afraid of rejection And rejection is something that doesn't go away in a relationship. In fact If it's not taken care of it can intensify As the relationship goes on so give me an example. Oh, yeah, so We start off with asking someone out right that like that takes you know an opportunity for rejection Well, how about saying I love you that's that's another opportunity for rejection moving in together Another opportunity for rejection engagement Ask me someone to marry you another opportunity for rejection having kids getting a house Meeting the parents talking about finances when you're empty nesters How are you guys are going to continue your companionship in your lives? Right, there's always going to be these these moments where You have a vision for what you may want to have in the relationship And you're not going to be there might be a little bit of you that isn't sure if it's aligned with your partner And what their value what their vision is and so to share that Especially as two people change over the course of that life right of their lives. Yeah, so guys naturally will feel this level of Of rejection that they're just adverse to all the time and because of that They don't communicate what's really going on They have a hard time communicating what they're feeling identifying the emotions They have a hard time actually clearly saying What it is that they want and having dialogue about that because they're just worried about the rejection They're worried about I disagree and all of a sudden now they feel like the conversation's over but Communications is about dialogue and a lot of guys have a hard time being able to do that and I think it creates unnecessary tension and resistance You know whether because because then then guys don't stay stay enough so You know, I recognize the truth in what you just said or you know in that experience Um, you know being that I work with women I've also witnessed women and by the way I always keep a little bit of duct tape right here on my table And I put it over my mouth to demonstrate because you know, just let me do it real quick Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, but um There's a fear from women That if they speak up about emotional things that the guy will run away So I I believe this is a problem for both genders is the whether it's whether it's a combination of rejection Or a lack of emotional experience on the men's part women also have a sense of rejection and At least from what I've observed and I think this is a very I think if we'd look at the chats going forward Women would agree with me that they also fear Speaking up It's because humans haven't really learned In couplehood how to have more emotional dialogue And what I mean is dialogue from here. This is my heart right by the way, you know like right here at the heart And and really be vulnerable be authentic and be transparent I just think it hasn't been you know women men fear rejection women fear rejection as well It's just a different side of the coin. Yeah You know, I'm a big proponent of couples right from the beginning if two people are going to be physically intimate with one another To have deeper conversations at an emotional level and make that a practice of the relationship Yeah, because I think too much time is focused on attraction and romance and not enough time building trust Yep, it's something I continually espouse over and over again in my videos. I love it Really quickly thomas. I want to open it up for everyone who's watching if you have a question for thomas or myself Write the word question then post the question thereafter. Okay, write the word question. We're going to take questions So i'm opening it up for everyone or you can purchase a super sticker super chat There's a little dollar sign the chat box all the money's from the super sticker super chat Goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son connor. He's my son who passed away and his honor We donate to causes like the hockman process and insight institute and discounts on coaching So we've got our first question popped up from poultry flowers poultry flowers Do you think you should start your own app? That's a really that's a good one. Um Ironically, I do have sort of an app, but it's not a dating app It's it's an advice app. And so if you were to go to the professional wingman.com slash ai Um, you can actually be able to ask For advice from from me and what it me means is All my content over the since 2008 has been imported in there Um, all my you know program written content interviews that i've done on podcasts It's all been in there. So you actually would hear it from my voice based on the content Is it an ai app? It is an ai app. Yes Okay, when you wrap up and we get a copy of that Yeah, you can get asked you can get advice in that in real time, but in terms of a dating app um unlikely Unlikely my feeling is You know if I was going to start a dating app This is what it looked like everybody would have to have Quality preferably professional photographs taken and not glam shots, but professional photographs normally They would be required to fill out all of the questions I'd have to charge I'd charge a hundred dollars a month because if you don't have skin in the game Then you know, how serious are you? Um And making a flat fee no extra charge is upgrades I mean the reality is is we humans here particularly in the united states are rather lazy We won't make the you know, it's funny people won't make investment in their love life And yet it's the most important decision. They'll ever make in their life is who they choose as a partner. So, um, Okay, let's see. We've got some more questions that came in. Yeah Rachel wants to know what is the best question to ask a guy if he really likes me without making it awkward Oh, that's a good one Go for it So I I'm a huge fan of playful teasing and flirting This is one of the number This is like one of the top two or three things that I work with guys on because they just once again They don't know how to flirt right and so I like to keep it playful um So asking a guy if he's really if you if you find out if he's really into you You basically would create a question or you make a statement that would incentivize him to want to answer um You know, so it could be like, oh, you're just you're just saying that because you're you're trying to be nice or like um You know What's another one? I had a woman once say to me If you like we had a date, but she goes if you asked me out on another date, I'd say yes Yeah, and I'm like, all right. Well that clear like that was what that's like Direct Playfully but super direct, right? Yeah, you know what made it easy for me to go and then I asked her out and it didn't work out but Yeah, I mean you could be you could be playful, but I think it goes back to what you were talking about before You were talking about having like emotionally Um connected conversation. I like to call it having adult conversation, right? Like two adults are able to have a conversation Where they can communicate in the way that they need to be communicated with There's so much that we can get done in the world, right? Let alone in relationships, but You know to ask a guy without making it seem awkward I would pay attention to Why you think it's awkward to find out if a guy is into you, right? Because the awkwardness and this is what I tell my clients It's only awkward if you if you decide that it's awkward because it's your experience You might think that it's awkward, but the other person who's receiving it may not think anything Because there could be rejection Absolutely, that's exactly okay. All right. Let's go down a rabbit hole for a minute I want to go on a sidetrack here because I I did a post the other day on facebook for everybody. I'll post it on youtube Rejection I believe is a story we make to ourselves like in other words if a woman says Hey, I'd like to take you out to coffee and he rejects the idea That's just rejecting the idea But if you take that to a level of rejection as if there's something wrong with me Okay, then you've personalized it. You made it a story and that's not a real statement of fact Yeah, so coming back to what you were saying earlier. It's the expectation you Went in with is what you're really It's awkward if if you have an expectation if you have no expectation. There's nothing awkward about it Yeah, I mean you I don't know if you've heard the the phrase but expectations are premeditated resentments So the moment we say that out loud for everybody again Expectations are premeditated resentments. Oh, I like that. I like that And now these resentments could be towards someone else who you have an expectation for or they actually can be for yourself Who you have expectations for so if you go in with this expectation that this person Is going to like you or like you said you create the story That they may or may not like you Whatever story you create it's going to be right right and and and it validates the resentment that you may have towards yourself But I love what you said I like to use the word denial because some because I believe we have a right to deny Things that we don't want in our lives and that's okay Right, it's a filter We need to learn how to filter and I think filtering is healthy when it comes to bringing energy and people into our lives But to be rejected. I mean to really be rejected would be to be excommunicated from society like those Of all that had to go live in the cave by themselves and carve on the walls right like that's that's not what we're talking about here All right, let's take some more questions. We've got james fit fire in the house He said name some places to meet men Who might talk is the airport bar gas station doctor's office library mensu store even barbershop You know, I'm going to share what I shared the other day on one of the videos. I think dancing I think dancing needs to be The primary place to meet and let me explain why typically men dance with women women dance with men I mean, although sometimes women dance with each other men rarely dance with each other by the way, um But it requires walking up and saying would you like to dance and there's not much pressure with that? And there's no you're not talking You're just connecting but you can create an opportunity for talking and it creates the opportunity to talk afterward I think Dancing needs to come back in like a big gigantic way from a singles perspective I love it. And if you think about the dynamic of dancing for you know, most traditional dancing requires The man to lead and so what a great way to initiate that dynamic by you stepping in and taking the lead It just creates a really nice Kickoff to what could be could be a potential connection But to go back to the to the answer Yeah, I am a huge fan of of like lifestyle. I call it assisted serendipity, right where you intentionally Put yourself in position to meet people so whether it's waiting in line at starbucks talking about You know what you the kick pops? I remember brian how we used to talk about this You know the cake pops that are in the in the glass thing or if you You know god forbid someone has like a weird name written on their cup you can comment on that You can have enjoy enjoy conversation with the the cashier at the grocery store You know walking down the street, maybe waiting on the subway waiting for the bus going to the bank Going to the farmers market. I mean, you know just living going to the gym I think the gym is actually becoming a much better place to meet people because they're realizing that Hey, I'm actually surrounded by men who share similar values with me when it comes to my health Like maybe I should start allowing myself to so that's starting to happen too Which before is dating apps are have is it because people have gotten so down on dating apps It's like they're finally breaking out of this This dependency we have of ease of connection. There's this false sense of ease of connection You feel like from a societal perspective, we're bouncing away from that going back to Yeah, I mean as a society. I mean, we're cyclical, you know, we we will yeah I mean, we'll we'll go through a trend and we'll cycle it out and we'll get Over saturated and it gets played out and then we go back to something that's cool Like think about it vinyls now are making a comeback because people are appreciating What used to be right meanwhile, I forget I saw an article I think it was like in china They finally they finally banned floppy disks like it's now finally floppy disks are not allowed I don't have a tv You know, I've got a bunch of old dvds and I wouldn't even know how to play it because even my computer doesn't have one anymore Um, yeah, okay. Let's take some more questions We've got gg in the house and she says If men always feel possibility of rejection Could this be the reason they pull away back early in the dating phase spot on that is spot on gg, um, you know guys who Once again are worried about if their fear of rejection is higher than the level of their self-confidence They will recoil and it becomes you know, we were talking about before we took questions the idea of you know When women decide to share more of themselves, right? We can categorize that as being emotional, but I think it's just a woman being truly expressive and expressing herself We have to pay attention to how people receive communication. So for example I'm someone who's pensive You know, I don't I don't enjoy being emotionally dumped on and my wife knows this Right and so I if I feel like I'm it's it's coming down on me I don't go into my turtle shell and just seek a little bit of safety now I'll come back out But I just need to process things before I'm able to come out and and actually communicate But if you keep poking as like any turtle would they'll come out and snip at you and I obviously Are not to do that. Um, but I also it is my also my my responsibility to understand that that's because my my wife This is how she expresses herself So I need to build a level of endurance and stamina To hold space for her to be able to communicate that way and then also learn how to communicate to her The way that she likes to be communicated with so if I need to be more descriptive And more emotional and how I talk about things that's going to allow us to have a connection So guys, this is what I'm talking about when it when it comes to emotional intelligence, right? It has to come with experience of multiple conversations that you would have with women To get a variety of how they communicate without that You're not going to be prepared to how to to handle the conversations and how someone's communicating with you And so really important You know, it's interesting as you're sharing this it reminds me of You know a lot of people will say jonathan. You're a really good communicator of your emotions and things like that and and I learned this through both Some women in my life one and but more importantly For years. I did collectively like group therapy. I mean it wasn't true group therapy But it was a group of individuals that got together once a month and we worked on stuff in our lives And by hearing other people Express themselves both men and women In a very non-confrontational way in a very loving safe environment And I would think like, you know, like a a does this as an example where you're you know Like where you're in a circle and you're sharing like share circles It's amazing how at least for me I can only speak for myself, but I will tell you that my capacity to express myself Was learned through this experience of listening to other people express themselves Yeah, and I just by de facto almost or osmosis. I began being better at this I think most humans men and by the way, this is true women aren't necessarily Thomas, let me just say something so the women who think that they're just, you know, perfect emotional communicators Women are not any better at this. You know, they just have a capacity to Be more expressive and I say it kind of on a boom way Oftentimes but women can also have duct tape over their mouth and everything else I think this is a human condition That people struggle like so you're so you're in a relationship. You're married But you guys have had conversation about how to have conversations Yeah And and it took a lot of herrable conversations That's another place where we can actually determine, you know, how to have better conversations, right? And so and no one's perfect, right? Like you're still gonna have like tips and and miscommunications and misfires because that's just like you said It's a human experience, you know, but with experience Comes an ability to understand more and be and feel more prepared and feel more confident In how you're communicating, you know, and then it just goes back to what I was saying before the struggle with guys is that they're just They're just not having They're not exposing themselves enough to that conversation, you know, and so yeah Well, one of the things I encourage my audience is I put together something called the dating vows And it's an agreement people make in the early stages of setting kind of the ground rules In relationship and what's interesting is the other night one of the women came on said I did your dating vows Before we are physically intimate and the guy loved it. Like I think men are thirsty for guidance We just need to be pushed in a little bit of direction. So I've got another question here Didi writes My boyfriend is 60 and won't let go of his high school girlfriend Before we got together. She was his friend with denny's She is in love with him. I don't like it. What is he getting out of this? I'd like to hear your take before I share my take. This is interesting. Uh, my instant my instant reaction was validation Yeah, you know, it's for For a guy Okay, let's go back to what you were saying before like if you're 62 Reasonable shape making money the amount of options you have in comparison to someone who's who's not that Yeah, by me a little bit balding a little bit of a gut. Yeah pretty big, right? So chances are he's not really thinking about his high school girlfriend Right because he has options in front of him that he needs to choose from Yeah, someone who may not have had options like that in his time Can be in a position where he's stuck and enjoys the attention that can be received where he Is not used to doing that now I'm not saying this is right. I mean he is in a relationship and There could be a possibility of emotional cheating here and that needs to be addressed right away But especially at 60 years old, this is something that's really important because he's not willing to do this as a severe lack of maturity here and how did he's handling But that would be my perspective on that. I think it's just a validation due to lack of options over his years You know, it's interesting. I have a male friend. He's 58 years old and he when I met him He was probably 52 And he was in a five-year relationship that didn't work out and so And he lost some weight. He got in shape. He did some things, you know to improve his life All of a sudden he's on the dating apps and for a brief period of time. He was a player Meaning, you know, like for the first time in his life, he got a lot of attention Yeah, that he didn't get when he was younger and he even admitted to me that, you know, I got kind of caught up with The attention and validation because when I was younger, I barely got any attention or validation Uh, he has since met a really fantastic woman and they're now in a full-blown relationship And he's monogamous and exclusive with her I want to go back to didi's question though Didi I I want to encourage you Who cares what he is getting out of it? Okay, what's most important is what are you going to do about it? Like I think and I say this thomas and i'm speaking to everyone Oftentimes women in particular and men do this too. They're focused on the other person instead of What am I getting out of a relationship that i'm not happy in like that's the real question What am I getting out of a relationship? I'm not happy with I'm assuming she's not happy Otherwise she wouldn't have posted that so I think it's always important to look at have that mirror in front of you And look at you instead of looking at the other person. That's just what I wanted to share with her. Yeah Let's keep going Um Let's keep going. Yeah. He's a great question guys. I actually love oh, we got it We got we have by the way, I have a great audience. So I just want to be props. I still appreciate you guys You guys are awesome. I love even yeah Suzanne says My ex and I broke up saturday nine months together. It was abruptly really bad And I accidentally left a few things behind. What should I do? Can I get it can I get it back ever? So I think he can Yeah, yeah, I absolutely think he can Right, if he I mean listen Things happen, right and and you might have probably you probably said things that you didn't want to say and he probably did the same too You know, but I don't think he's going to enjoy seeing the reminders of that in his house Um, and I also hope he's not going to be so immature to just toss it away and and and forget about it too So I think you can Rightfully go and pick it up just as long as you're prepared to try not to engage in any more Conversation with him and you're just grabbing your stuff You know, I by the way, I I'm in full agreement. I would probably send a text message something along this line, you know you know um Sadly the two of us, you know You know, I would say sadly the two of us Got heated with each other and we said some things. I'm sure we both You know regret And I just want you to know that any part I played in this to hurt your feelings I'm genuinely sorry for and if this is the end of our relationship. I fully accept that With that said I left a few things at your home And it would really mean a lot to me if I could make arrangements to either pick them up while you're there while you're Not there or something And I just would like to end on some sort of you know Some sort of I'm trying to think of the right word here You know just some sort of class between the two of us versus any animosity we might have to do us So I think by acknowledging what happened Taking ownership for your part in what happened Making a request of what you need do it in a kind loving way and with some kindness I think that at least It hopefully it takes down any ice that's built up over his heart By by acknowledging that you know what we did something kind of stupid But we both did it and we're you know, I'll take ownership on my part And will you do me this kindness and give me my shit back? Yeah, exactly right once again adult conversation right like we can disagree and we can have a meltdown But when it comes to these simple logistics, we should be able to figure out an adult Resolution that can allow us to move forward right like this is where communication is is so paramount And I love I love that. I love that the way you worded that out Well, it's easier for me to teach it, but I'm terrible doing it in real time for myself. So, uh Uh Bobby writes my partner gives the silent treatment refuses to discuss anything negative Wakes up every day and sweeps the reality of the day Before under the carpet. He believes the right Relate Which doesn't have a question in there, but let's all right. Let's kind of suppose what she's really coming out here You know when you're with a partner who doesn't want to deal with The top stop What are your thoughts on that? I actually had a a client that I worked with. Um, he was during covid and his It was the first time I ever actually had a Husband and a wife on on the breakthrough call that was supposed to be with But just for the husband and I can tell that she she just was not happy because he was not showing up And whenever there was a little bit of tension He would just run into his room and just do whatever that he does in the room usually was Work or whatever So we ended up working together And I have like a a string of assessments that I do for for all my clients to get an understanding of the type of character Who's playing this game of life as I like to call it And what I found out was his ego Is what we would call a peacemaker and I modeled the ego I modeled my ego as and through the enneagram for those who Know about the enneagram. And so he came off as as a peacemaker, right? And so when he's stressed he is very indolent, right? He is just he does not want conflict He doesn't want to hear it and so much so that he removed himself from it So I had once we're able to identify that We had to teach it. I had to teach him like how to build the endurance and the courage to face it and and have those conversations um the primary fear is like He is once again is being hurt. Maybe not necessarily rejected But being emotionally hurt because when someone is running away from tension It's because they're afraid that they might get wounded. It doesn't feel safe And whatever it doesn't feel safe if they can't create peace then they run away Okay, right and so That is a huge huge fear um And because of that it makes you want to avoid reality Right, like you don't want to face reality because the truth of the reality might actually cause some pain Yeah, you know and but the thing is you have to face it. There's there's no you can't avoid it forever and You don't want to do it in a way that's I guess You don't want to do it when it's too late You know While I would say a majority of men tend to be more stoic and tend to stop their emotions and feelings because We're certainly taught that I do believe the younger generation That's changing. I look at someone like my son, you know, there's a picture of them right there call and um, you know I I want to speak to all the women while my us boomers or i'm a tail end boomer a gen X Or I think you're a gen X or right or I'm a I'm I'm a I'm a I'm an old millennial So there's a decade or two between us, but you know, I do believe we're seeing a shift It may not happen. I also believe in multiple lifetimes. So we don't get it right this time. We do it again but um, I do believe that Because of conditioning so many men Just there's a significant percentage of men that just can't go there I also believe that there's an awakening for a lot of men as well And there's certainly men that have that capacity to be emotionally available and so forth I I do I do believe there is a shift because going to therapy 30 years ago was like taboo It was a scarlet letter. Now i'm seeing therapy for men as mainstream. So all right It's gonna be our probably our last question of the night Is it better to date one man at a time or a few guys? What do you think? I love this. I it's very for me. It's very simple Um, if you're if you're younger It's okay. I believe it's okay if you don't have enough experience to know what you want But if you're at a place where you know what you want, I believe it's not I think you should date one at a time um The energy that's involved in connecting with someone when you're at that level and you're at that place in your life Is so important that you don't want to fragment that with other guys who can come in Especially if one of those guys is a taker And so you just don't you don't want to do that when you're younger You have a propensity you have some slack in making a few mistakes in learning what is ultimately what you want But when you're older, you just want to zero in and then lock in You know, I was afraid you were going to say the opposite. I'll be honest with you Yeah, we're both concerned so so I have a let's let's let's okay. Let's talk about this for a second Let's differentiate meeting someone for the first time Versus dating someone. I think there's a big difference because you can meet someone once twice or three times And still not be dating even though we call these meetings dates. Okay um I do believe if two people are Going like, you know, like if you go on a first date with someone on a monday night You know and you never see them again. You're not dating that person So you can see someone on tuesday night, but the minute two people begin to like each other Enough to where they're They're talking about exploring a relationship together. I'm in full I'm I'm a staunch believer We date one person at a time for a variety of different reasons Now I know pat alan and I know a lot of coaches will tell you do duty dating Or date multiple people, but here's the dilemma with that if you're dating multiple people and he's dating multiple people You guys are going to be crossing at the night. You know, there's not going to be enough time to even really get to know the other person Because dating lacks today a sense of intentionality I think if we're going at least I can only speak for myself I date with intention I mean i'm looking for a life partner Do we work well enough to get to that point? That's what I want to explore Yeah, and if you do if you're spreading yourself too thin, I don't going back to your question jane I just don't believe that's any benefit My feelings and and the last thing i'll say is to add to you to you said intentionality Which I think is so key as you get older Yeah, I think what's also important is presence, right? We live in a world where everything is trying to steal our presence Especially dating apps Yeah If you're dating multiple people you have very little attention to give to the person who's right in front of you Because your phone is buzzing from all the messages and the potential likes that you have from other potential partners So when you minimize it with intentionality It allows you to be more present and you get a fuller experience of the date that that you ultimately want So I have a confession and I think you'll probably you know, you're married So you're not in this category, but I for those who follow my channel No, I was in a significant relationship that ended relatively recently But in the first month that we were connected and we agreed to be exclusive and monogamous fairly quickly. Yeah I didn't give up the dating apps for almost 30 days And because it was so fucking addictive. I mean I was like, I mean cognitively like I'm not cheating for say I wasn't actually talking but that That validation that like that it was like that I was literally like having to wean myself off of coffee If you will or make it sugar if you will and I was having a hard time And I shared this with my my then partner at the time. I go. I want to just be really transparent with you I'm I mean, I don't you know, I'd literally what I did when I made that when I shared that with her After about it wasn't a month. It was say a couple weeks. I should say now that in fact I had to physically delete the apps. Yeah You know and so when you're dating and you're not exclusive yet You know, this is the tricky part You know, we agree to explore a relationship and be exclusive But when you're dating boy are dating apps so Ridiculously addictive the the the easy analogy and comparison I can give is it's no different than social media apps, right? Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? Like think about it, right? imagine if you were on instagram And you finally found someone that you really wanted to follow But that was the only person that you could follow and that person Was actually with you in your life So there was no need to actually be on you know, the social media apps anymore, right? But yeah, just rolling and the swiping and the liking and the commenting and seeing who likes your stuff It just is so addictive. I mean, we have yet to The the the amount of reports that are going to come out over the next five to ten years about what social media has done Um, and the impact it has We can easily connect it to the way Online dating apps are as well because they're designed very similarly And because of that it's highly addicted You know I'm going to wrap up with this thought and then I'd like you to share some of your contact info, you know A lot of people want to go back to some traditional way of dating, you know, like before Before electronics, if you will, you know, like I'm talking about before smartphones before Social media before dating apps, you know, that's the fantasy The reality is is this is what we're this is what we're faced with and whether we like it or not It's here. These are temptations. These are things we have to deal with um And and it requires, you know, you said presence, but I'm going to piggyback the word Discipline or self-discipline if you will, you know, because that's what presence is is the discipline to be present, right? You know, I didn't hear so many distractions and And also a sense of compassion, you know, we're you know, I'm I'm guilty of the addiction. I'm not proud of it Guilty of it. I just want a little compassion because I I got sucked in, you know It was like crack cocaine Um at the same time I have to take ownership for my actions my friend thomas Thank you for being on can you share I'm going to put links to how people can connect with you But just give give your your elevator speech to everybody and how they can connect with you Yeah, well, first of all, thank you so much for having me on it's such a joy I love I love you guys you guys are an awesome and dynamic audience and I love the comments and the questions And so if you want to find me you can go to the professional wingman Dot com. Um, I do actually have a you know, good amount of content around For women back when I was actually actively working with them Um, and you can also contact me on social media if you are on social media I'm at the professional wingman there as well Um, feel free to shoot me a message shoot me email, you know, everything is open I I would love to hear from you and find ways where I can support you. I think it's just it's so important to If there's anything I could kind of sign off with is you know We live in we're now living in a world. One of the things you said is really important that I'm very passionate about is that I am witnessing An awakening that's happening with a lot of people both young and and old and I think it's creating an amazing opportunity For us to be able to learn the things that we need to to ascend in our lives and um, I think it's just a really good opportunity So if there's anything I can do to support you on that journey, please don't hesitate to reach out Folks, I do want to share something about thomas, uh, you know, we met that's probably a decade ago give or take And Truly one of the good guys out there ladies. I just want you to know good men exist I know this because we broke bread several times and I I know you have a big heart You have a fantastic marriage. You have a child And you really live breathe Wanting to help people so I just want to acknowledge that By the way, rachel says Jonathan have thomas back again. He resonates with me, please Rachel we're gonna have to have you back in the house. Maybe we'll go down a different rabbit hole But from the bottom of my heart buddy, thanks so much for being on I'm just gonna reach in the camera and give you a big hug of appreciation And uh, thanks for everyone folks everyone. Thanks for being on make him chase you without any games or tricks We talked about the observation of dating apps. I hope you found value in this conversation If you did please hit that like button, please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and check out thomas's contact info as well And if you have a comment post it below as well, I want to thank all that we're on tonight Thanks a bunch wishing you all a fantastic evening. Bye now