 volume 7 chapter 5 of Cecilia this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recorded by Linda Lee Paquette Cecilia Memoirs of an heiress by Francis Burney volume 7 chapter 5 a letter as soon as Mrs. Charlton was acquainted with the departure of young Delville she returned to Cecilia impatient to be informed what had passed the narration she heard both hurt and astonished her that Cecilia the heiress of such a fortune the possessor of so much beauty descended of a worthy family and formed and educated to grace a noble one should be rejected by people to whom her wealth would be most useful and only in secret have their alliance proposed to her she deemed an indignity that called for nothing but resentment and approved and enforced the resolution of her young friend to resist all solicitations which Mr. and Mrs. Delville did not second themselves about two hours after Delville was gone his letter arrived Cecilia opened it with trepidation and read as follows to Miss Beverly September 20 1779 what could be the apprehensions the suspicions of Miss Beverly when so earnestly she prohibited my writing from a temper so unguarded as mine she fear any subtlety of doctrine is my character so little known to her that she can think me capable of craft or duplicity had I even the desire I have neither the address nor the patience to practice them no loveliest Miss Beverly those sometimes by vehemence I may unconsciously offend by sophistry believe me I never shall injure my ambition as I have told you is to convince not to be guile and my arguments shall be simple as my professions shall be sincere yet how again may I venture to mention a proposal which so lately almost before you had heard you rejected suffer me however to assure you it resulted neither from insensibility to your delicacy nor to my own duty I made it on the contrary with that reluctance and timidity which were given me by an apprehension that both seemed to be offended by it but alas already I have said what with grief I must repeat I have no resource no alternative between receiving the honor of your hand in secret or foregoing you forever you will wonder you may well wonder at such a declaration and again that severe renunciation with which you wounded me will tremble on your lips oh there let it stop nor let the air again be agitated with sounds so discordant in that cruel and heart breaking moment when I tore myself from you at delville castle I confess to you the reason of my flight and I determined to see you no more I named not to you then my family the potency of my own objections against daring to solicit your favor rendering theirs immaterial my own are now wholly removed but theirs remain in full force my father descended of a race which though decaying in wealth is unsubdued in pride considers himself as the guardian of the honor of his house to which he holds the name of his ancestors and separately annexed my mother born of the same family and bred to the same ideas has strengthened this opinion by giving it the sanction of her own such being their sentiments you will not madame be surprised that their only son the soul inheritor of their fortune and soul object of their expectations should early have admitted the same indeed almost the first lesson I was taught was that of referencing the family from which I am descended and the name to which I am born I was bid to consider myself as its only remaining support and sedulously instructed neither to act nor think but with a view to its ungrandizement and dignity thus unchecked by ourselves and uncontrolled by the world this haughty self-importance acquired by time a strength and by mutual encouragement of firmness which miss Beverly alone could possibly I believe have shaken what therefore was my secret alarm when first I was conscious of the force of her attractions and found my mind wholly occupied with admiration of her excellencies all that pride could demand and all to which ambition could aspire all that happiness could covet or the most scrupulous delicacy exact in her I found united and while my heart was enslaved by her charms my understanding exalted in its fetters yet to forfeit my name to give up for ever a family which upon me rested its latest expectations honor I thought for bad it propriety and manly spirit revolted at the sacrifice the renunciation of my birthright seemed a desertion of the post in which I was stationed I for bore therefore even in my wishes to solicit your favor invigorously determined to fly you as dangerous to my peace because unattainable without dishonor such was the intended regulation of my conduct at the time I received bid off Sletter in three days I was to leave England my father with much persuasion had consented to my departure my mother who penetrated into my motives had never opposed it but how great was the change wrought upon my mind by reading that letter my steadiness forsook me my resolution wavered yet I thought him deceived and attributed his suspicions to jealousy but still Fidel I knew was missing and to hear he was your darling companion was it possible to quit England in a state of such uncertainty to be harassed in distant climates with conjectures I might then never satisfy no I told my friends I must visit bid off before I left the kingdom and promising to return to them in three or four days I hastily set out for Suffolk and rested not till I arrived at Mrs. Charlton's what a scene there awaited me to behold the loved mistress of my heart the opposed yet resist list object of my fondest admiration caressing an animal she knew to be mine mourning over him his master's ill health and sweetly recommending to him fidelity forgive the retrospection I will dwell on it no longer little indeed had I imagined with what softness the dignity of Miss Beverly was blended though always conscious that her virtues her attractions and her excellencies would reflect luster upon the highest station to which human grandeur could raise her and would still be more exalted than her rank though that were the most imminent upon earth and had there been a thousand and ten thousand obstacles to impose my addressing her vigorously and undoubtedly would I have combatted with them all in preference to yielding to the single objection let not the frankness of this decoration irritate you but rather let it serve to convince you of the sincerity of what follows various as are the calamities of life which may render me miserable you only among even his chosen felicities have power to make me happy fame honors wealth ambition were insufficient without you all chance of internal peace and every softer hope is now centered in your favor and to lose you from whatever cause ensures me wretchedness and mitigated with respect therefore to myself the die is finally cast and the conflict between bosom felicity and family pride is deliberately over this name which so vainly I have cherished and so painfully supported I now find inadequate to recompense me for the sacrifice which is preservation requires I part with it I own with regret that the surrender is necessary yet is it rather an imaginary than an actual evil and though a deep wound to pride no offense to morality thus have I laid open to you my whole heart confessed my perplexities acknowledged my vain glory and exposed with equal sincerity the sources of my doubts and the motives of my decision but now indeed how to proceed I know not the difficulties which are yet to encounter I fear to enumerate and the petition I have to urge I have scarce courage to mention my family mistaking ambition for honor and rank for dignity have long planned a splendid connection for me to which though my invariable repugnance has stopped any advances their wishes and their views immovably adhere I am but too certain they will now listen to no other I dreads therefore to make a trial where I despair of success I know not how to risk a prayer with those who may silence me by a command in a situation so desperate what then remains must I make an application with a certainty of rejection and then mock all authority by acting in defiance of it or harder task yet relinquish my dearest hopes when no longer persuaded of their impropriety sweetest Miss Beverly and the struggle at once my happiness my peace are holy in your power for the moment of our union secures them for life it may seem to you strange that I should thus propose to brave the friends whom I venture not to entreat but from my knowledge of their characters and sentiments I am certain I have no other resource their favorite principles were too early imbibed to be now at this late season eradicated slaves that we all are to habits and dopes to appearances jealous guardians of our pride to which our comfort is sacrificed and even our virtue made subservient what's conviction can be offered by reason to notions that exist but by prejudice they have been cherished too long for redirect to remove them they can only be expelled by all powerful necessity life is indeed too brief and success too precarious to trust in any case where happiness is concerned the extirpation of deep rooted and darling opinions to the slow working influence of argument and disquisition yet bigoted as they are to rank and family they adore Miss Beverly and though their consent to the forfeiture of their name might forever be denied when once they beheld her the head and ornament of their house her elegance and accomplishments joined to the splendor of her fortune would speedily make them forget the plans which now wholly absorb them their sense of honor is in nothing inferior to their sense of high birth your condescension therefore would be felt by them in its fullest force and though during their first surprise they might be irritated against their son they would make it the study of their lives that the lady who for him had done so much should never through their means repine for herself with regard to settlements the privacy of our union would not affect them one confident we must unavoidably trust and I would deposit in the hands of whatever person you would name a bond by which I would engage myself to settle both your fortune and my own according to the arbitration of our mutual friends the time for secrecy though painful would be short and even from the altar if you desired it I would hasten to delville castle not one of my friends should you see till they waited upon you themselves to solicit your presence at their house till our residence elsewhere was fixed oh loveliest Cecilia from a dream of happiness so sweet awaken me not from a plan of felicity so attractive turn not away if one part of it is unpleasant reject not therefore all and since without some drawback no earthly bliss is attainable do not buy a refinement too scrupulous for the short period of our existence deny yourself that delight which your benevolence will afford you in snatching from the pangs of unavailing regret and misery the grateful list of men in the humblest and most devoted of your servants mortimer delville Cecilia read and reread this letter but with a perturbation of mind that made her little able to weigh its contents paragraph by paragraph her sentiments varied and her determination was changed the earnestness of his supplication now softened her into compliance the acknowledged pride of his family now irritated her into resentment and the confession of his own regret now sickened her into despondence she meant in an immediate answer to have written a final dismission but though proof against his entreaties because not convinced by his arguments there was something in the conclusion of his letter that staggered her resolution those scrupules and that refinement against which he warned her she herself thought might be overstrained and to gratify unnecessary punctilio the short period of existence be rendered causously unhappy he had truly said that their union would be no offense to morality and with respect merely to pride why should that be spared he knew he possessed her heart she had long been certain of his her character had early gained the affection of his mother and the essential service which an income such as hers must do the family would soon be felt too powerfully to make her connection with it regretted these reflections were so pleasant she knew not how to discard them and the consciousness that her secret was betrayed not only to himself but to mr bidolph lord earnoff lady honoree of pemberton and mrs delville gave them additional force by making it probable she was yet more widely suspected but still her delicacy and her principles revolted against the conduct of which the secrecy seemed to imply the impropriety how shall i meet mrs delville cried she after an action so clandestine how after praise such as she has bestowed upon me bear the severity of her eye when she thinks i have seduced from her the obedience of her son a son who is the sole solace and first hope of her existence whose virtues make all her happiness and whose filial piety is her only glory and well may she glory in a son such as delville nobly has he exerted himself in situations the most difficult his family and his ideas of honor he has preferred to his peace and health he has fulfilled with spirit and integrity the various the conflicting duties of life even now perhaps in his present application he may merely think himself bound by knowing me no longer free and his generous sensibility to the weakness he has discovered without any of the conviction to which he pretends may have occasioned this proposal a suggestion so mortifying again changed her determination and the tears of henry at a bell field with the letter which he had surprised in her hand recurring to her memory all her thoughts turned once more upon rejecting him forever in this fluctuating state of mind she found writing impracticable while uncertain what to wish to decide was impossible she disdained coquetry she was superior to trifling the candor and openness of delville had merited all her sincerity and therefore while any doubt remained with herself she held it unworthy her character to tell him she had none mrs charlton upon reading the letter became again the advocate of delville the frankness with which he had stated his difficulties assured her of his probity and by explaining his former conduct satisfied her with the rectitude of his future intentions do not therefore my dear child cried she become the parent of your own misery by refusing him he deserves you a like from his principles and his affection and the task would both be long and melancholy to disengage him from your hearts i see not however the least occasion for the disgrace of a private marriage i know not any family to which you would not be an honor and those who feel not your merit are little worth pleasing let mr delville therefore apply openly to his friends and if they refuse their consent be their prejudices their reward you are freed from all obligations where caprice only can raise objections and you may then in the face of the world vindicate your choice the wishes of cecilia accorded with this advice though the general tenor of delville's letter gave her little reason to expect he would follow it end of chapter five volume seven chapter six of cecilia this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox.org recorded by linda lee piquette cecilia memoirs of an eras by francis bernie volume seven chapter six a discussion the day passed away and cecilia had yet written no answer the evening came and her resolution was still unfixed delville at length was again announced and though she dreaded trusting herself to his entreaties the necessity of hastening some decision deterred her from refusing to see him mrs charleton was with her when he entered the room he attempted at first some general conversation though the anxiety of his mind was strongly pictured upon his face cecilia endeavored also to talk upon common topics though her evident embarrassment spoke the absence of her thoughts delville at length unable any longer to bear suspense turned to mrs charleton and said you are probably acquainted madame with the purport of the letter i had the honor of sending to mrs beverly this morning yes sir answered the old lady and you need desire little more than that her opinion of it may be as favorable as mine delville bowed and thanked her and looking at cecilia to whom he ventured not to speak he perceived in her countenance a mixture of dejection and confusion that told him whatever might be her opinion it had by no means increased her happiness but why sir said mrs charleton should you be that sure of the disapprobation of your friends had you not better hear what they have to say i know madame what they have to say returned he for their language and their principles have been invariable for my birth to apply to them therefore for a concession which i am certain they will not grant were only a cruel device to lay all my misery to their accounts and if they are so perverse they deserve from you nothing better said mrs charleton speak to them however he will then have done your duty and if they are obstinately unjust you will have acquired a right to act for yourself to mark their authority answered delville would be more offensive than to oppose it to solicit their approbation and then act in defiant of it might justly provoked their indignation no if at last i am reduced to appeal to them by their decision i must abide to this mrs charleton could make no answer and in a few minutes she left the room and is such also said delville the opinion of mrs beverly has she doomed me to be wretched and does she wish that doom to be signed by my nearest friends if your friends sir said cecilia are so undoubtedly inflexible it were madness upon any plan to risk their displeasure to entreaty he answered they will be inflexible but not to forgiveness my father though haughty dearly even passionately loves me my mother though high spirited is just noble and generous she is indeed the most exalted of women and her power over my mind i am unaccustomed to resist mrs beverly alone seems born to be her daughter no no interrupted cecilia as her daughter she retakes me she loves she adores you cried he warmly and were i not certain she feels your excellencies as they ought to be felt my veneration for you both should even yet spare you my present supplication but you would become i am certain the first blessing of her life in you she would behold all the felicity of her son his restoration to health to his country to his friends oh sir cried cecilia with emotion how deep a trench of real misery do you sink in order to raise this pile of fancied happiness but i will not be responsible for your offending such a mother scarcely can you honor her yourself more than i do and i hear declare most solemnly oh stop interrupted delville and resolve not till you have heard me would you were she no more were my father also no more would you yet persist in refusing me why should you ask me said cecilia blushing you would then be your own agent and perhaps she hesitated and delville vehemently exclaimed oh make me not a monster force me not to desire the death of the very beings by whom i live we cannot the bonds of affection by which they are endeared to me and compel me not to wish them no more as the soul barriers to my happiness heaven forbid cried cecilia could i believe you so impious i should suffer little indeed in desiring your eternal absence why then only upon their extinction must i rest my hope of your favor cecilia staggered and distressed by this question could make no answer delville perceiving her embarrassment redoubled his urgency and before she had power to recollect herself she had almost consented to his plan when henry at a belfield rushing into her memory she hastily exclaimed one doubt there is which i know not how to mention but ought to have cleared up you are acquainted with you remember miss belfield certainly but what of miss belfield that can raise a doubt in the mind of miss beverly cecilia colored and was silent is it possible continued he you could ever for an instant suppose but i cannot even name a supposition so foreign to all possibility she is surely very amiable yes answered he she is innocent gentle and engaging and i heartily wish she were in a better situation did you ever occasionally or by any accident correspond with her never in my life and were not your visits to the brother sometimes have a care interrupted he laughing lest i reverse the question and ask if your visits to the sister were not sometimes for the brother but what does this mean could miss beverly imagine that after knowing her the charms of miss belfield could put me in any danger cecilia bound in delicacy and friendship not to betray the tender and trusting henry etta and internally satisfied of his innocence by his frankness evaded any answer and would now have done with the subject but delville eager wholly to exculpate himself though by no means displeased at an inquiry which showed so much interest in his affections continued his explanation miss belfield has i grant an attraction in the simplicity of her manners which charms by its singularity her heart too seems all purity and her temper all softness i have not you find been blind to her merit on the contrary i have both admired and pitied her but far indeed is she removed from all chance of rivalry in my heart a character such as hers for a while is irresistibly alluring but when its novelty is over simplicity uninformed becomes wearisome and softness without dignity is too indiscriminate to give delight we sigh for entertainment when cloyed by mere sweetness and heavily drags on the load of life when the companion of our social hours wants spirit intelligence and cultivation with miss beverly all these talk not of all these cried cecilia when one single obstacle has power to render them valueless but now cried he that obstacle is surmounted surmounted only for a moment for even in your letter this morning you confess the regret with which it fills you and why should i deceive you why pretend to think with pleasure or even with indifference of an obstacle which has had thus long the power to make me miserable but wear is happiness without delay is perfect bliss the condition of humanity oh if we refuse to taste it till in its last state of refinement how shall the cup of evil be ever from our lips how indeed said cecilia with a sigh the regret i believe will remain eternally upon your mind and she perhaps who should cause might soon be taught to partake of it oh miss beverly how have i merited the severity did i make my proposals lightly did i suffer my eagerness to conquer my reason have i not on the contrary been steady and considerate neither biased by passion nor betrayed by tenderness and yet in what said cecilia consists this boasted steadiness i perceived it indeed at delville castle but here the pride of heart which supported me there cried he will support me no longer what sustained my firmness but your apparent 70 what enabled me to fly you but your invariable coldness the rigor with which i trampled upon my feelings i thought fortitude and spirit but i knew not then the pitying sympathy of cecilia oh that you knew it not yet cried she blushing before that fatal accident you thought of me i believe in a manner far more honorable impossible differently i thought of you but never better never so well as now i then represented you all lovely in beauty all perfect in goodness and virtue but it was virtue in its highest majesty not is now blended with the softest sensibility alas said cecilia how the portrait is faded no it is but more from the life it is the sublimity of an angel mingled with all that is attractive in woman but who is the friend we may venture to trust to whom may i give my bond and from whom may i receive a treasure which for the rest of my life will constitute all its felicity where can i cried cecilia find a friend who in this critical moment will instruct me how to act you will find one answer t in your own bosom ask but yourself this plain question will any virtue be offended by your honoring me with your hand yes duty will be offended since it is contrary to the will of your parents but is there no time for emancipation am not i of an age to choose for myself the partner of my life will not you in a few days be the uncontrolled mistress of your actions are we not both independent your ample fortune all your own and the estate of my father so entailed they must unavoidably be mine and are these said cecilia considerations to set us free from our duty no but they are circumstances to relieve us from slavery let me not offend you if i am still more explicit when no law human or divine can be injured by our union when one motive of pride is all that can be opposed to a thousand motives of convenience and happiness why should we both be made unhappy merely lest that pride should lose its gratification this question which so often and so angrily she had revolved in her own mind again silenced her and delville with the eagerness of approaching success redoubled his solicitations be mine he cried sweetest cecilia and all will go well to refer me to my friends is effectively to banish me forever spare me then the unveiling task and save me from the resistless entreaties of a mother whose every desire i have held sacred whose wish has been my law and whose commands i have implicitly invariably obeyed oh generously save me from the dreadful alternative of wounding her maternal heart by a preemptory refusal or of torturing my own with pangs to which it is unequal by an exhorted obedience alas cried cecilia how utterly impossible i can relieve you and why once mine irrevocably mine no that would but irritate and irritate past hope of pardon indeed you are mistaken to your merit they are far from insensible and your fortune is just what they wish trust me therefore when i assure you that their displeasure which both respect and justice will guard them from ever showing you will soon die wholly away i speak not merely from my hopes in judging my own friends i consider human nature in general inevitable evils are ever best supported it is suspense it is hope that make the food of misery certainty is always endured because known to be past amendment and felt to give defiance to struggling and can you cried cecilia with reasoning so desperate to be satisfied in a situation so extraordinary as ours answered he there is no other the voice of the world at large will be all in our favor our union neither injures our fortunes nor taints our morality with the character of each the other is satisfied and both must be alike exculpated from mercenary views of interest or romantic contempt of poverty what right have we then to repine at an objection which however potent is single surely none oh if wholly unchecked where the happiness i now have in view if no foul storm sometimes lowered over the prospect and for the moment obscured its brightness how could my heart find room for joy so superlative the whole world might rise against me as the first man in it who had nothing left to wish cecilia whose own hopes aided this reasoning found not much to oppose to it and with little more of entreaty and still less of argument delville at length obtained her consent to his plan fearfully indeed and with unfeigned reluctance she gave it but it was the only alternative with a separation forever to which she held not the necessity adequate to the pain the thanks of delville were as vehement as had been his entreaties which yet however were not at an end the concession she had made was imperfect unless its performance were immediate and he now endeavored to prevail with her to be his before the expiration of a week here however his task ceased to be difficult cecilia as ingenious by nature as she was honorable from principle having once brought her mind to consent to his proposal sought not by studied difficulties to enhance the value of her compliance the great point resolved upon she held all else of too little importance for a contest mrs charleton was now called in and acquainted with the result of their conference her approbation by no means followed this game of privacy yet she was too much rejoiced in seeing her young friend near the period of her long suspense and uneasiness to oppose any plan which might forward their termination delville then again beg to know what male confidence might be entrusted with their project mr montan immediately occurred to cecilia though the certainty of his ill will to the cause made all application to him disagreeable but his long and steady friendship for her his readiness to counsel and to sister and the promises she had occasionally made not to act without his advice all concurred to persuade her that in a matter of such importance she owed to him her confidence and should be culpable to proceed without it upon him therefore she fixed yet finding in herself a repugnance insulperable to acquainting him with her situation she agreed that delville who instantly proposed to be her messenger should open to him the affair and prepare him for their meeting delville then rapid and thought and fertile inexpedience with a celerity and vigor which bore down all objections arrange the whole conduct of the business to avoid suspicion he determined instantly to quit her and as soon as he had executed his commission with mr montan to hasten to london that the necessary preparations for the marriage might be made with dispatch and secrecy he proposed also to find out mr belfield that he might draw up the bond with which he meant to entrust mr montan this measure cecilia would have opposed but he refused to listen to her mrs charlton herself though her age and infirmities had long confined her to her own house gratified cecilia upon this critical occasion with consenting to accompany her to the altar mr montan was depended upon forgiving her away and a church in london was the place appointed for the performance of the ceremony in three days the principal difficulties to the union would be removed by cecilia's coming of age and in five days it was agreed that they should actually meet in town the moment they were married delville promised to set off for the castle while in another shays cecilia returned to mrs charlton's this settled he conjured her to be punctual and earnestly recommending himself to her fidelity and affection he bid her adieu end of chapter six volume seven chapter seven of cecilia this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox.org recorded by linda lee piquette cecilia memoirs of an eras by frances birdie volume seven chapter seven a retrospection it's now to herself sensations unfelt before filled the heart of cecilia all that had passed for a while appeared a dream her ideas were indistinct her memory was confused her faculties seemed all out of order and she had but an imperfect consciousness either of the transaction in which she had just been engaged or of the promise she had bound herself to fulfill even truth from imagination she scarcely could separate all was darkness and doubt in quietude and disorder but when at length her recollection more clearly returned and her situation appeared to her such as it really was divested alike of false terrors or delusive expectations she found herself still further removed from tranquility hitherto though no stranger to sorrow which the sickness and early loss of her friends had first taught her to feel and which the subsequent anxiety of her own heart had since instructed her to bear she had yet invariably possessed the consolation of self-approving reflections but the step she was now about to take all her principles opposed it terrified her as undutiful it shocked her as clandestine and scarce was delville out of sight before she regretted her consent to it as the loss of her self-esteem and believed even if a reconciliation took place the remembrance of a willful fault would still follow her blemish in her own eyes the character she had hoped to support and be a constant la to her happiness by telling her how unwordly she had obtained it where frailty has never been voluntary nor error stubborn where the pride of early integrity is unsubdued and the first purity of innocence is inviolate how fearfully delicate how tremblingly alive is the conscience of man strange that what in its first state is so tender can in its last become so callous compared with the general lot of human misery cecilia had suffered nothing but compared with the exaltation of ideal happiness she had suffered much willingly however would she again have borne all that had distressed her experienced the same painful suspense endured the same melancholy parting and gone through the same cruel task of combating inclination with reason to have relieved her virtuous mind from the newborn and intolerable terror of conchi-enches reproaches the equity of her notions permitted her not from the earnestness of delvail's entreaties to draw any polliation for her consent to his proposal she was conscious that but for her own too great facility those entreaties would have been ineffectual since she well knew how little from any other of her admirers they would have availed but chiefly her affliction and repentance hung upon mrs. delvail whom she loved reverenced and honored whom she dreaded to offend and whom she well knew expected from her even exemplary virtue her praises her partiality her confidence in her character which hitherto had been her pride she now only recollected with shame and with sadness the terror of the first interview never ceased to be present to her she shrunk even in imagination from her wrath darting eye she felt stung by pointed satire and subdued by cold contempt yet to disappoint delvail so late by forfeiting a promise so positively accorded to trifle with a man who to her had been uniformly candid to waver when her word was engaged and retract when he thought himself secure honor justice and shame told her the time was now passed and yet is not this cried she placing nominal before actual evil is it not studying appearance at the expense of reality ever agreeing to wrong is criminal is not performing it worse if repentance for ill actions calls for mercy has not repentance for ill intentions a yet higher claim and what reproaches from delvail can be so bitter as my own what separation what sorrow what possible calamity can hang upon my mind with such heaviness as the sense of committing voluntary evil this thought so much affected her that conquering all regret either for delvail or herself she resolved to write to him instantly and acquaint him of the alteration in her sentiments this however after having so deeply engaged herself was by no means easy and many letters were begun but not one of them was finished when a sudden recollection obliged her to give over the attempt for she knew not wither to direct to him in the haste with which their plan had been formed and settled it had never once occurred to them that any occasion for writing was likely to happen delvail indeed knew that her address would still be the same and with regard to his own as his journey to london was to be secret he proposed not having any fixed habitation on the day of their marriage and not before they had appointed to meet at the house of mrs robert in fetter lane once they were instantly to proceed to the church she might still indeed enclose a letter for him in one to mrs hill to be delivered to him on the destined morning when he called to claim her but to fail him at the last moment when mr belfield would have drawn up the bond when a license was procured the clergyman waiting to perform the ceremony and delville without a suspicion but that the next moment would unite them forever seemed extending prudence into treachery and power into tyranny delville had done nothing to merit such treatment he had practiced no deceit he had been guilty of no perfidy he had opened to her his whole heart and after showing it without any disguise the option had been all her own to accept or refuse him a ray of joy now broke its way through the gloom of her apprehensions ah cried she i have not then any means to recede an unprovoked breach of promise at the very moment destined for its performance would but vary the mode of acting wrong without approaching nearer to acting right this idea for a while not merely calmed but delighted her to be the wife of delville seemed now a matter of necessity and she soothed herself with believing that to struggle against it were vain the next morning during breakfast mr monton arrived not greater though winged with joy had been the expedition of delville to open to him his plan than was his own though only goaded by desperation to make some effort with cecilia for rendering it abortive nor could all his self-denial the command which he held over his passions nor the rigor with which his feelings were made subservient to his interest in the sudden hour of trial availed to preserve his equanimity the refinements of hypocrisy and the arts of insinuation offered advantages too distant and exacted attentions too subtle for a moment so alarming those arts and those attentions he had already for many years practiced with an address the most masterly and a diligence the most indefatigable success head of late seemed to follow his toys the increasing infirmities of his wife the disappointment and retirement of cecilia uniting to promise him a conclusion equally speedy and happy when now by a sudden and unexpected stroke the sweet solace of his future cares the long projected recompense of his past sufferings was to be snatched from him forever and by one who compared with himself was but the acquaintance of a day almost wholly off his guard from the surprise and horror of this apprehension he entered the room with such an air of haste and perturbation that mrs charlton and her granddaughters demanded what was the matter i am come he answered abruptly yet endeavoring to recollect himself to speak with miss beverly upon business of some importance my dear then said mrs charlton you had better go with mr monkton into your dressing room cecilia deeply blushing arose and led the way slowly however she proceeded though urged by mr monkton to make speed certain of his disapprobation and but doubtfully relieved from her own she dreaded a conference which on his side she foresaw would be all exhortation and reproof and on hers all timidity and shame good god cried he miss beverly what is this you have done bound yourself to marry a man who despises who scorns who refuses to own you shocked by this opening she started but could make no answer see you not he continued the indignity which has offered you does the loose the flimsy veil with which it is covered hide it from your understanding or disguise it from your delicacy i thought not i meant not said she more and more confounded to submit to any indignity though my pride in an exigence so peculiar may give way for a while to convenience to convenience repeated he too contempt to derision to insolence oh mr monkton interrupted cecilia make not use of such expressions they are too cruel for me to hear and if i thought they were just would make me miserable for life you are deceived grossly deceived reply t if you doubt their truth for a moment they are not indeed even decently concealed from you they are glaring as the day and willful blindness can alone obscure them i am sorry sir said cecilia whose confusion at a charge so rough began now to give way to anger if this is your opinion and i am sorry too for the liberty i have taken in troubling you upon such a subject in apology so full of displeasure instantly taught mr monkton the error he was committing and checking therefore the violence of those emotions to which his sudden and desperate disappointments gave rise and which betrayed him into reproaches so unskillful he endeavored to recover his accustomed equanimity and assuming an air of friendly openness said let me not offend you my dear miss pevelly by a freedom which results merely from a solicitude to serve you under which the length and intimacy of our acquaintance had i hoped long since authorized i know not how to see you on the brink of destruction without speaking yet if you are averse to my sincerity i will curb it and have done no to not have done cried she much softened your sincerity does me nothing but honor and hitherto i am sure it has done me nothing but good perhaps i deserve your utmost censure i feared it indeed before you came and odds therefore to have better prepared myself for meeting with it this speech completed mr monkton's self-victory it skewed him not only the impropriety of his turbulence but gave him room to hope that a mildness more crafty would have better success you cannot but be certain he answered that my zeal proceeds wholly from a desire to be of use to you my knowledge of the world might possibly i thought assist your inexperience and did this interestedness of my regard might enable me to see and to point out the dangers to which you are exposed from artifice and duplicity in those who have other purposes to answer than what simply belong to your welfare neither artifice nor duplicity cried cecilia jealous for the honor of delville have been practiced against me argument and not persuasion determined me and if i have done wrong those who prompted me have aired as unwittingly as myself you are too generous to perceive the difference or you would find nothing less alike if however my planus will not offend you before it is quite too late i will point out to you a few of the evils for there are some i cannot even mention which at this instant do not merely threaten but await you cecilia started at this terrifying offer and afraid to accept yet ashamed to refuse hung backed a resolute i see said mr. montan after a pause of some continuance your determination admits no appeal the consequence must indeed be all your own but i am greatly grieved to find how little you are aware of its seriousness hereafter you will wish perhaps that the friend of your earliest youth had been permitted to advise you at present you only think him officious and impertinent and therefore he can do nothing you will be so likely to approve as quitting you i wish you then greater happiness than seems prepared to follow you and a counselor more prosperous in offering his assistance he would then have taken his leave but cecilia called out oh mr. montan do you then give me up not unless you wish it alas i know not what to wish except indeed the restoration of that security from self-blame which till yesterday even in the midst of disappointment quieted and consoled me are you then sensible you have gone wrong yet resolute not to turn back could i tell could i see cried she with energy which way i ought to turn not a moment would i hesitate how to act my heart should have no power my happiness no choice i would recover my own esteem by any sacrifice that could be made what then can possibly be your doubt to be as you were yesterday what is wanting but your own inclination everything is wanting right honor firmness all by which the just are bound and all which the conscientious hold sacred these scruples are merely romantic your own good sense headed fairer play would condemn them but it is warped at present by prejudice and prepossession no indeed cried she coloring at the charge i may have entered too precipitately into an engagement i ought to have avoided but it is weakness of judgment not of heart that disables me from retrieving my error yet you will neither hear whether it may lead you nor which way you may escape from it yes sir cried she trembling i am now ready to hear both briefly then i will tell you it will lead you into a family of which every individual will disdain you it will make you inmate of a house of which no other inmate will associate with you you will be insulted as an inferior and reproached as an intruder your birth will be a subject of ridicule and your whole race only named with the region and while the elders of the proud castle treat you with open contempt the man for whom you suffer will not dare to support you impossible impossible cried cecilia with the most angry emotion this whole representation is exaggerated and the latter part is utterly without foundation the latter part said mr montan is of all other least disputable the man who now dares not own will then never venture to defend you on the contrary to make peace for himself he will be the first to neglect you the ruined estates of his ancestors will be repaired by your fortune while the name which you carry into his family will be constantly resented as an injury you will thus be plundered though you are scorned and told to consider yourself honored that they condescend to make use of you nor here rests the evil of a forced connection with so much arrogance even your children should you have any will be educated to despise you dreadful and horrible cried cecilia i can hear no more oh mr montan what a prospect have you open to my view fly from it then while it is yet in your power when two paths are before you choose not that which leads to destruction send instantly after doville and tell him you have recovered your senses i would long since have sent i wanted not a representation such as this but i know not how to direct to him nor whether he is gone all art and baseness to prevent your recantation no sir no cried she with quickness whatever may be the truth of your painting in general all that concerns a shame of the vindication she intended which yet in her own mind was firm and animated she stopped and left the sentence unfinished in what place were you to meet said mr montan you can at least send to him there we were only to have met answered she in much confusion at the last moment and that would be too late it would be too i could not without some previous notice break a promise which i gave without any restriction is this your only objection it is but it is one which i cannot conquer then you would give up this ill-boding connection but from notions of delicacy with regard to the time indeed i meant it before you came i then will obviate this objection give me but the commission either verbally or in writing and i will undertake to find him out and deliver it before night sicilia little expecting this offer turned extremely pale and after pausing some moments said in a faltering voice what's then sir is your advice in what manner i will say to him all that is necessary trust the matter with me no he deserves at least an apology from myself about how to make it she stopped she hesitated she went out of the room for pen and ink she returned without them and the agitation of her mind every instant increasing she begged him in a faint voice to excuse her while she consulted with mrs charleton and promising to wait upon him again was hurrying away mr montan however saw too great danger in so much emotion to trust her out of his sight he told her therefore that she would only increase her perplexity without reaping any advantage by an application to mrs charleton and that if she was really sincere in wishing to recede there was not a moment to be lost and delville should immediately be pursued sicilia sensible of the truth of this speech and once more recollecting the unaffected earnestness with which but an hour or two before she had herself desired to renounce this engagement now summoned her utmost courage to her aid and after a short but painful struggle determined to act consistently with her professions and her character and by one great and final effort to conclude all her doubts and try to silence even her regret by completing the triumph of fortitude over inclination she called therefore for pen and ink and without venturing herself from the room wrote the following letter to mortimer delville esquire accuse me not of caprice and pardon my resolution when you find me shrinking with terror from the promise i have made and no longer either able or willing to perform it the reproaches of your family i should very ill endure but they were approaches of my own heart for an action i can neither approve nor defend would be still more oppressive with such a weight upon the mind length of life would be birthing some with a sensation of guilt early death would be terrific these being my notions of the engagement into which we have entered you cannot wonder and you have still less reason to repine that i dare not fulfill it alas where would be your chance of happiness with one who in the very act of becoming yours would forfeit her own i blush at this tardy recantation and i grieve at the disappointment it may occasion you but i have yielded to the exhortations of an inward monitor who is never to be neglected with impunity consult him yourself and i shall need no other advocate adieu and may all felicity attend you if to hear of the almost total privation of mine will mitigate the resentment with which you will probably read this letter it may be mitigated but too easily yet my consent to a clandestine action shall never be repeated and though i confess to you i am not happy i solemnly declare my resolution is unalterable a little reflection will tell you i am right though a great deal of lenity may scarce suffice to make you pardon my being right no sooner cb this letter which with trembling haste resulting from a fear of her own steadiness she folded and sealed mr. monkton from the same apprehension yet more eagerly received and scarce waiting to bid her good morning mounted his horse and pursued his way to london cecilia returned to mrs. charleton to acquaint her with what had passed and notwithstanding the sorrow she felt in apparently injuring the man who in the whole world she most wished to oblige she yet found a satisfaction in the sacrifice she had made that recompensed her for much of her sufferings and soothed her into something like tranquility the true power of virtue she had scarce experienced before for she founded a resource against the cruelest dejection and a supporter in the bitterest disappointment end of chapter seven volume seven chapter eight of cecilia this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recorded by Edith Fern southern california august 28th 2008 cecilia memoirs of an eras by francis bernie volume seven chapter eight an embarrassment the day passed on without any intelligence the next day also passed in the same manner and on the third which was her birthday cecilia became of age the preparations which had long been making among her tenants to celebrate this event cecilia appeared to take some share and endeavored to find some pleasure in she gave a public dinner to all who were willing to partake of it she promised redress to those who complained of hard usage she pardoned many debts and distributed money food and clothing to the poor these benevolent occupations made time seem less heavy and while they freed her from solitude diverted her suspense she still however continued at the house of mrs. charlton the workman having disappointed her and finishing her own but in defiance of her almost exertion towards the evening of this day the uneasiness of her uncertainty grew almost intolerable the next morning she had promised delville to set out for london and he expected the morning after to claim her for his wife yet mr. muckton neither sent nor came and she knew not if her letter was delivered or if still he was unprepared for the disappointment by which he was awaited a secret regret for the unhappiness she must occasion him which silently yet powerfully reproached her stole fast upon her mind and poisoned his tranquility for though her opinion was invariable in holding his proposal to be wrong she thought too highly of his character to believe he wouldn't have made it but from a mistaken notion it was right she painted him therefore to herself as a glowing with indignation accusing her of inconsistency and perhaps suspecting her of coquetry and imputing her change of contact to modus the most trifling and narrow to with resentment and disdain he drove her wholly from his thoughts in a few minutes however the picture was reversed delville no more appeared storming nor unreasonable his face worn aspect of sorrow and his brow was clouded with disappointment he forebored to reproach her but the look which her imagination delineated was more piercing than words of severest import these images pursued and tormented her drew tears from her eyes and loaded her heart with anguish yet when she recollected that her conduct had had in view a higher motive than pleasing delville she felt that it ought to offer her a higher satisfaction she tried therefore to revive her spirits by reflecting upon her integrity and refused all indulgence to this innervating sadness beyond what the weakness of human nature demands as some relieved it suffering upon every fresh attack of misery a conduct such as this was the best antidote against affliction whose arrows are never with so little difficulty repelled as when they light upon a conscience which no self reproach has laid bare to their malignancy before six o'clock the next morning her maid came to her bedside with the following letter which she told her had been brought by an express to miss beverly made this letter with one only from delville castle be the last that miss beverly may ever receive yet sweet to me as is that hope i write in the utmost uneasiness i have just heard that a gentleman whom by the description that is given of him i imagine is mr. monkton has been in search of me with a letter which he was anxious to deliver immediately perhaps this letter is from miss beverly perhaps it contains directions which ought instantly to be followed could i divine what they are with what eagerness would i study to anticipate their execution it will not i hope be too late to receive them on saturday when her power over my actions will be confirmed and when every wish she will communicate she'll be gratefully joyfully and with delight fulfilled i have sought belfield in vain he has left lord venelt and no one knows whether he is gone i have been obliged therefore to trust a stranger to drive the bond but he is a man of good character and the time of secrecy will be too short to put his discretion in much danger tomorrow friday i shall spend solely an endeavoring to discover mr. monkton i have leisure sufficient for the search since so prosperous has been my diligence that everything is prepared i've seen some lodgings and pale mill which i think are commodious and will suit you send a servant therefore before you to secure them if upon your arrival i should venture to meet you there be not i beseech you offended or alarmed i shall take every possible precaution neither to be known nor seen and i will stay with you only three minutes the messenger who carries this is ignorant from whom it comes for i fear his repeating my name among your servant and he could scarce return to me with an answer before you will yourself be in town yes loveliest cecilia at the very moment you receive this letter the chase will i flatter myself be at the door which is to bring to me a treasure that will enrich every future hour of my life and oh as to me it will be exhaust less may but its sweet dispenser experience some share of the happiness she bestows and then what save her own purity will be so perfect so unsullied as the felicity of her md the perturbation of cecilia upon reading this letter was unspeakable mr. monkton she found had been wholly unsuccessful all her heroism had answered no purpose and the transaction was as backward as before she had exerted it she was now therefore called upon to think and act entirely for herself her opinion was still the same in order to resolution waiver yet how to put it in execution she could not discern to write to him was impossible since she was ignorant where he was to be found to disappoint him at the last moment she could not resolve since such a conduct appeared to her unfeeling and unjustifiable for a few instance she thought of having him waited for at night in london with the letter but the danger of entrusting anyone with such a commission and the uncertainty of finding him should he disguise himself made the success of this scheme too precarious for trial one expedient alone occurred her which though she felt to be hazardous she believed was without an alternative this was no other than hastening to london herself consenting to the interview he had proposed in pail mail and then by strongly stating her objections and confessing the grief they occasioned her to peek at once his generosity and his pride upon releasing her himself from the engagement into which he had entered she had no time to deliberate her plan therefore was decided almost as soon as formed and every moment being precious she was obliged to awaken mrs. charlton and communicate to her at once the letter from delville and the new resolution she had taken mrs. charlton having no object in view but the happiness of her young friend with a facility that looked not for objections and scarce saw them when presented agreed to the expedition and kindly consented to accompany her to london for cecilia however concerned to hurry and fatigue her was too anxious for the sanction of her presence to hesitate in soliciting it a chaise therefore was ordered and with post horses for speed and two servants on horseback the moment mrs. charlton was ready they set out on their journey scarce had they proceeded two miles on their way when they were met by mr. monkton who was hastening to their house amazed and alarmed at a sight so unexpected he stopped the chaise to inquire whether they were going cecilia without answering asked if her letter had yet been received i could not said mr. monkton deliver it to a man who is not to be found i was at this moment coming to acquaint how vainly i had sought him but still that your journey is unnecessary and less voluntary since i have left it at the house where you told me you should meet tomorrow morning and where he must then unavoidably receive it indeed sir cried cecilia tomorrow morning will be too late and conscience and justice and even indecency too late i must therefore go to town yet i go not believe me in opposition to your injunctions but to enable myself without treachery or dishonor to fulfill them mr. monkton aghast and confounded may not any answer to cecilia gave orders to the pastillion to drive on he then hastily called to stop him and began the warmest expost relations but cecilia firm when she believed herself right the wavering when fearful she was wrong told him it was now too late to change her plan and repeating her orders to the pastillion left him to his own reflections grieved herself to reject his counsel yet too intently occupied by her own affairs and designs to think along of any other end of chapter eight recorded by edith fern southern california