 of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Ronald Coleman. Benita Coleman. Inviting you to join us again on the campus of Ivy College. Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. Now, if you lived in a small college town and had an hour or two free in the evening, you might choose to spend it in the library or the student's union, or you might drop in at the mall shop or just wander through the treeline pathways at the campus. The chances are that the one place you wouldn't visit voluntarily would be the police station. But that is exactly where Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, president of Ivy, has spent the evening while his wife Victoria attended a rehearsal of the freshman play. They have just returned home together and Mrs. Hall is saying... And except for the 18-year-old character lead who seems to think that a clump of crepe hair in a case of the shakes makes him a grandfather, I think we have a very fine cast. And even he wasn't too bad after I trimmed his hedges and moderated his tremolo. But you haven't told me what you did this evening, Toddie. Oh, I went to jail. Really? I didn't even know they'd court you. How'd you get out? Who sprang you or is it sprung? The word I believe is sprung, past tense of spring. I thought the past tense of spring was summer. No spring meaning leap as to a conclusion which you have just done. Oh, you mean you weren't in jail because you held up a filling station or anything? Oh, no, I went to jail to have a talk with the chief of police, chief Bentley, for whom I have a high regard. Well, I suppose it's possible to have a high regard for a police chief if you go to see him voluntarily. Was this just a social call? No, not exactly. No, we discussed a general problem which affects not only the college but the town of Ivy and one which we share with the rest of the nation. It's known generically as the traffic problem. Unfortunately, some of our own undergraduates are among the worst offenders. We own a nation on wheels and our young people are all mechanically minded. A generation of tinkers. Oh, I wouldn't say that, darling. Some of them are completely charming. Darling, I said tinkers. Oh, I'm sorry. However, a hop-top engine doesn't necessarily increase acceleration of good manners. I know. They go through signals, ignore pedestrians, race each other down the boulevards, drunk with power. That's what. Horse power. Yes. As chief Bentley says, it's a shame to hand so much horse power over to so many jackasses. If you and the chief find a solution to any of these things. I'm afraid not, Vicki. Don't some colleges have a ban on all students driving without special permits? Yes, but authoritative prohibition only inspires student circumvention. How is that again? Authoritative... to put it in the original Greek, tell them they can't and they're going on. Now that I understand. Well, next time you give a speech at assembly, why don't you tell them you prefer a healthy student body and some of them have been quite run down lately? Yes, I'll have to do something of a sort. Something besides what the late Don Mark was called, stroking a cliche until it purrs like an epigram. But we can't solve the problem tonight, so we... Why, it's after 10, Vicki. Somebody else still up at Ivy. I'll get it. Hello, Dr. Hall speaking. Oh, Mr. Wellman. No, yes. Thanks, we will. Good night. Thought you'd never get off the phone. What was Mr. Wellman's a wordy about? Well, he seems we had to turn on the radio immediately and listen to what's going on over the campus station IVY. Whatever it is, it has Mr. Wellman in a swivet. Swivet? Yes, dear. Well, that should be very becoming to him. Well, let's turn on the radio, darling. Sunny, because from 10 till midnight, there's never been anything but that student disc jockey, Jack Hatter, and his platter chatter. Platter chatter? With Jack Hatter? I'm afraid there are cultural influences around me of which I have been uninformed. He's a very nice boy. I never can understand why he's majoring in biochemistry when he wants to be a radio announcer. Well, maybe he's trying to find a preservative in which to keep his pear-shaped bones. That was Jimmy Jones and the joint performers with their newest recording, The Night Shift Stomp. Well, folks, and I wish my father back in about 1925 had copyrighted the words and now I'd be a rich boy today and wouldn't have to do this degrading sort of thing for a living. And now, see what I mean? And now the new sensational feature of our program that turned her over of leaves and peekered behind twigs, the voice of the Ivy Vine. For reasons instantly obvious to the listener, the voice must remain unidentified. You don't know her, but she knows you. I wonder why this is so interesting to Mr. Wellman. I bet we'll know in a minute. Voice, you're on. Show them how you follow the Ivy Vine down to the roots and dig the dirt. Hello, everybody. This is your voice of the Ivy Vine again. I have some really choice tendrils off the Ivy Vine tonight. First, the request. Well, the young couple who've just set up housekeeping, please return the mahogany coffee table accidentally taken from the student lounge one night last week. No questions will be asked. I got a question. How does one accidentally lift a coffee table? Well, it was probably stuck to the cup. I never understand why you don't have your own program. I know. What glamour girl is secretly wearing three fraternity pins at the same time? Doesn't she realize what will happen when the morning comes? Really beloved praxis, Dr. William T. T. for terrific haul. Who speaks so eloquently. Have shortened his speech at assembly last Tuesday? Didn't he realize that by running overtime, he ruined three sorority pink tees and made the Ivy debating team miss the bus for breakfast? I didn't realize that I... Please love you, Dr. Hall, and everything you say makes sense. But couldn't you be a little more pitty and succinct? And how about a stopwatch? Stopwatch. Very good. And now, finally, our weekly sprig of poison Ivy. A certain chairman of a certain board of governors of a certain college named Ivy with caught crossing third and elm against the signal light last week. As many students have found out to their sorrow is one dollar. But the esteemed gentleman refuses to pay it and is demanding a jury trial. Maybe he prefers a jury to a judge on the theory that it's cheaper by the dozen. Well, the Mr. Wellman wants us to hear this. Ms. Voice of Ivy, it's better to get out of a bodyguard. You'll get used to it. And that's the Ivy for tonight, gals and pals. Tune in tomorrow at the same time for more rustling leaves from the Ivy Vine. Good night, everybody. And remember, the eye of Ivy is upon you. And be careful. A co-ed is listening at your keyhole. And now, this is your old spinner, Jack Hatter. Well, we've heard the chatter now back to the platters. From Ivy to Jivey. Our next recording is a sequel to Shrimp Boats Are Coming, which has been boiled down to Booyabay's Blues. Uh-oh. That'll do, Mr. Wellman. Mr. Clarence J. Walker Wellman will now turn off the radio. Oh, and, Toddy, it's beginning to smoke already. Yes, I have it. Uh, yes, Mr. Wellman. But, Mr. Wellman, we... No, I don't think so. No. Oh, well, yes, Mr. Wellman. Well, good night. Well, you were certainly succinct, Toddy, if not pity. Well, I think Mr. Wellman was so upset he called the wrong number. He seemed to think I was the presiding judge and he was pleading his guest. If one can plead at the top of one's voice... So it's true, then. He did get a ticket for J-Walking. Oh, how absolutely lovely. How long can you get for that 90 years, maybe? Think of it, 90 years in a swivet. He's lucky he just got a citation instead of a ride in an ambulance. Yes. Tell me, do you dare to repeat to a lady what Mr. Wellman said on the phone? No, he threatened libel suits and demanded that I have the girl taken off the air immediately. He didn't give me a chance to tell him that I don't agree with him. After all, you know, he's very helpful to hear the truth about yourself. I wonder who that girl is. She certainly has spunk. Somehow I feel I've heard that voice before. I know one thing. If she keeps this up, she's going to be a terrific hit. Everybody and I will be listening to her, including me. Well, you really think you've heard that voice before, Vicki? Just recently, too. Let me think. Who did I see yesterday? Marion, Mrs. Quincanon. Jane, Edna? No. Tuesday? Oh, I went to lunch with Mrs. Quincanon and in the afternoon, Jane and Edna drove us over to Marion's. No, no. What about Monday? Monday? Oh, don't you remember? That was the surprise party that Marion and Jane and I gave for Mrs. Quincanon and Edna. We must get out and meet some new people. I heard that voice, but I heard it. Why don't we just call up the station and find out who she is? No, no, no, Vicki. That would spoil their game. Oh, I suppose if I insisted, the student program manager would reveal who's responsible, but I don't want to have to do that. Any official query might stop the program and I don't want to stop it. No harm in having a co-ed gadfly occasionally buzz the campus, is there? No, no, no. Of course not. And as long as the voice states her facts correctly and isn't deliberately malicious, she can be an extremely useful influence. Just be careful. She should remember the observation of Sheridan, who accused his opponent in Parliament of being indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts. This presentation of The Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The Halls of Ivy. It's the next afternoon and Charles Meriwether, the amiable member of Ivy's governing board, has just dropped in to visit with The Halls. Well, sit down, Charles. It's good to see you. And I must confess it's even better when I see two of you. I mean, of course, that I like to see you. I know what you mean, Charles, and there's no need to look so full-on. She's here. Victoria, my friend is here to see you. Oh, very discreetly put. Oh, Mr. Meriwether, hello. Hello, ma'am. Well, you're looking very gleeful today. Did your golf score go down or did the stock market go up? No, you just came in, darling. Oh, thank you, Bill. You beat me to it. Well, perhaps I'd better make another entrance, huh? Hello, Mr. Meriwether. Good afternoon, ma'am. And if I'm interrupting anything, please don't mention it. You see, I was cheating at Solitaire in my office this morning, overwhelmed as I was by the pressure of business, and the Queen of Hearts kept turning up. So I said to myself, it's in the cards, Charles. You must drop by and see The Halls this afternoon. Not that you look anything like the Queen of Hearts, ma'am. You have a much better profile. But the significance is obvious. Well, I'm glad to be part of your deck, Mr. Meriwether. Tell me, Charles, did you by any chance hear the mystery voice of Ivy last night? Yes, but it wasn't by any chance. I assure you it was on purpose. I thought you might be telling the world about my getting a ticket for super parking at the double market. Or vice versa. Had a very nasty argument with a policeman who was completely right as I was completely wrong. Attracted a large crowd of morbid pedestrians who were all hoping somebody would get slugged and were bitterly disappointed when my wife came out, sided with the cop who gave me a ticket and a brief lecture on the evils of law breaking. I was quite relieved when the Ivy Vine made Clarence the horrible example instead of me. What do you think of the latest undergraduate undertaking? Aside from your fear of being the next victim. Oh, you know me. I'm a controversy boy. I'm for slapping the even tenor of our ways until it braves like a baritone. Personally, I think the voice of Ivy is a very healthy influence. What I heard of it seemed entertaining enough. It has its adolescent moments, but on the whole it was good natured. And while normally I would question anonymity, I think in this instance it has a dramatic advantage. An unidentified voice keeps interest alive. Yeah, it also keeps the voice alive. I shudder to think what might happen if she were unmasked. Charles, you keep your acute ear close to the Ivy ground. Tell me, what has been the general reaction? Well, there are two camps, Bill. The tongue cluckers and the addigirls. The way I figure it. The tongue cluckers are all horrified because they've got something to hide and the addigirls are putting on a big front because they think that might save them. Now, one thing is sure, they're all listening, which brings up one of my favorite subjects, the money it's costing me. Why? Are you making side bets on who's next? No, no. But as part owner of the town's only commercial radio station, I'm being hit way below my size 42 waistline. The sponsor of the 10 o'clock news broadcast is already threatening to cancel because of the competition from the Ivy Vine. Well, you mean that the town's people of Ivy are that interested in her? If I knew who the girl was, I'd hire her myself. She can't miss. Everybody's going to be listening to her. Yes, of course. I'll be listening to her comments on my next speech and Mr. Wellman won't be able to resist. Each faculty member will be avidly listening to what she has to say about other faculty members and the students naturally will all be... Yes, what a magnificent opportunity. Mr. Mayweather, have you heard any rumors about who she might be? Rumors? Suspicion is rampant and speculation is way out of hand. Every co-head I've met this morning has greeted me in a rich, deep contralto for fear my suspicions would be around. My own guess is that the whimsical brains behind this project auditioned until they found somebody who could dish out saccharine in high sea. Auditioned? Mr. Mayweather, you did it. Ma'am, I've been accused of a number of things in my time, but if you think I'm the voice of the I've ever known. She's a young sophomore named Betty Gibson, a very sweet girl and a very bad actress. I heard her audition for the Traumatic Society and I remember trying to tell her as gently as I could that she should take up paleontology. I didn't know what paleontology was, of course, but it sounded as if it might keep her away on field trips. What's wrong? Looks as though she's got a great future. Well, Vicky, paleontology may still be the best for Miss Gibson in the long run, but right now I have a better idea. Charles, are you busy this evening? Say at about a quarter to ten? Well, it so happens that at a quarter of ten this evening, Mrs. Mayweather will be one-third of the way to her sisters, where she's going to give away a niece in marriage, much to everybody's relief. So, happily, I am free. I never attend weddings because I have an unfortunate tendency to laugh. Heaven knows why. At a wedding. Why? What's up at 9.45? Perhaps it's slightly unconventional for a college president, but, um, Vicky, Vicky, do you think we dare? Well, if I'm thinking about what I think you're thinking about, I think it's a perfectly lovely idea. Well, thank you, darling. In that case, perhaps the three of us can play a surprise visit to Radio Station IVY tonight. We'll see the megacycles at work. And not Meg. Kill. I will, if necessary. Dr. Hall, before you start telling us what I know, you came down here to tell us, I want you to know that Betty's not responsible. She really didn't know what she was doing. Now, that's not fair, Jack. You can't take all the blame. Look, look, kids, if you don't mind my butting in, I suggest you both listen to what Dr. Hall has to say. Well, we didn't come here to discuss who was responsible. Then, Betty, if you didn't know what you were doing, you were certainly doing it awfully well. I just want to make it clear that the whole thing was my brainstorm. You see, Dr. Hall, it started as just a gag, but the response has been so terrific that I'd begun to think it might work into something, well, really big. Up to now, that is. Well, I see no reason why it can't develop into something important for IVY. That is, if you keep within the bounds of good taste and accuracy and public service. You mean you're not sore? And after what I said about you last night? Oh, Dr. Hall, enjoy that, Betty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you were quite correct. Stop watching, Dee. Very good. But as long as you make sure critical thrust with constructive pats, you will have a balanced as well as an entertaining program. Dr. Hall, would you mind repeating what you just told us before, witnesses? Of course not. What'd I tell you, Betty? All the skeptics who said we'd be thrown out on our ears. I knew Dr. Hall would back as well. Wait a minute, Jack. The string's attached. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Hall. Oh, you'll pay through the nose, son, before you're through. We call this a sinus operation. We had a double reason for coming down here tonight, Jack. First, to compliment you on your enterprise and also to ask a favor of you. Why anything? Anything at all, Dr. Hall. Oh, you mean you want to look over our material? Well, if you mean censor your copy, no. Oh, no. However, we would like to make a few changes, not cuts, just additions. Of the Ivy Vines, again. The sad news tonight. You may have heard about the pathetic misadventure of one of Ivy's most distinguished citizens. Well, the association for the defense of the J. Walker unhappily announces that its fundraising campaign is lagging. Only 23 cents of the dollar fine has been collected so far. Remember, friends, if you're a J. Walker, this could happen to you. So if you don't want to leave the jury at the mercy of this man, drop a flood nickel into the nearest well. Well, man. End of the secret code. And not a surprise feature. I give you Ivy's number one voice. Thank you. My text for this evening is he who taketh the law unto himself let him ride by himself. Let us have compassion for the transgressions of our fellow man but let us first look at his transmission. Let us not forget that he who parketh in a forbidden zone may find himself parked in a forbidding cell. That he who give us not the right of way may be left contemplating the ticket he receiveth. Let him who would wreak havoc he drive us be the loneliest man in town or as the woman hath it this is hath it. He may be a two-year letter man. He may be handsome and dance divinely. But before you date him, find out whether he's a fender scratcher, a bumper crusher, a two-wheel turner or left lane passer. Remember, your big man on the campus may know how to hand out a smooth line but does he know how to drive a straight one? If he doesn't, you and your crush may end up in a crash. Meet him under the lamppost if you like but not wrapped around it. And let us prove to each other that we are masters of our machines and that we deserve the freedom of our highways. Remember this. Lest further restrictions be levied by that certain executive who sometimes maketh lengthy speeches. But who, when he maketh them in the future, will use a stoppeth watch. And now again, the voice of the Ivy Vine. Thank you. Tonight, we're planting a new branch of the Ivy Vine to be called The Heel at the Wheel. Each week, we will name the student with the worst driving manners as reported by members of Ivy's Safety Council. So take it easy unless you want to be The Heel at the Wheel. Tonight's Heel is a sophomore who ran through a stoppeth deal.