 OK, welcome back. So we looked at the first attribute, first attitude. We will look quickly, finish the second and the third, and move in quite briefly to the part of the next topic also. So the first one we looked towards was empathy. The second one we are looking at is unconditional positive regard. Now, when we see this attitude, it's important to know that unconditional positive regard is essential to a healthy development in a relationship. You will see that counsellors are more inclined to accept a responsibility for themselves and their behavior when they are in an environment which is not condemning or which is not combative. So unconditional positive regard, what is it? It helps to bring about a non-judgmental atmosphere. And this will in turn promote openness, honesty, and even confession. Because unconditional positive regard is non-judgmental, the counsellor is also more inclined to listen to the counsellor and build that relationship. So this attitude, that is, regarding them unconditionally, positively regarding them, helps the counsellor also to empathize with the counsellor. It will actually help you to empathize with your counsellor. The counsellor then, in turn, will learn to accept their faults or accept their flaws. Now, unconditional positive regard, it is a vital construct even when you look at it in scripture. We are called to love others not based on what they do, but based on God's unconditional love for us. And we read that in John 13, 34, 35. And when we take time to listen to someone else's story and accurately respond with care or with concern, we are being loving. So unconditional positive regard, it's actually a concept in the theory of who I was talking about. My name Carl Rogers for counselling for interpersonal relationship. So a need for positive regard by others is very important for someone to become really aware of themselves. So it is a quality of the counsellor's experience towards the counselling. When we look at this construct, we will look at the different aspects of it. What is unconditional? It is holding no condition of acceptance. You're not saying I will accept you if you are this and this or if you are that and that. Your conditions of acceptance is there is absolutely no condition. You are accepted for whatever, whoever you are. If you look at that's the way the Lord sees us. He loves us. He accepts us unconditionally, not because of what we've done or who we are, but because of His great mercy, of His great goodness over our lives. Positive is it is a sense of the word used here is prizing. Now what is prizing means it means caring. You prize a certain thing so much that you care for it. You warmly accept it when you prize something. When you treat something as important or you prize it, like for example, let's suppose you get a trophy. You keep it in your cupboard. You keep it where everyone can see it. Why? Because it's the most prized thing that's probably you've got. It has so much of value. So prizing is you treat it well, treat it with warm acceptance. And the last one is a regard. A regard here to me is to care or respect as a person who's unique. So you are regarding the aspect of your counseling, not who they are, but also their experience as part of being who they are. So it means caring for them, not in a possessive way or in such a way to just that comes out hypocritically, but it means caring for them as a person where you're giving them the permission to have their own feelings and their own experiences. That's what unconditional positive regard means. Moving on, sorry, I've lost my slides. Moving on, it is an attitude. So unconditional positive regard is an attitude. It's something that you are feeling. And it's a perspective. It's a mindset more than an action towards others. It's saying that you have support. You're accepting a person no matter what they value, what their beliefs are, what their actions are. Unconditional positive regard does not mean you are approving of their behavior. Please understand that. It does not mean you are approving of their behavior. It separates what a person has done in behavior in their past from the inherent value they possess. So you are regarding their value as people, their value as a person. So it's acceptance of a person no matter whatever they are or whatever they say or whatever they do. You are treating them because of this. Because you respect them, so you are showing an attitude of respect. You are accepting them. You are pricing them. You're also in a place where you're affirming their value. You're respecting and accepting them, showing that they have that innate ability or innate value. So when you do that, what this person, Carl Rogers, says is you are producing a climate where there is change and where there is growth. When you accept people for who they are and for what value they are as people, they will begin to bring about change. They will begin to be moved to that place where they want to change. They want to be different. We'll move away. So why is unconditional positive regard important? So generally, counselors in other relationships do the best they can to live up to expectations of others. Or they may be very defensive. Like they may wear a mask. They may come across as somebody very, very different. But with a counselor, they are helped to be themselves and express what they want without being judged. So because of that unconditional positive regard, they feel valued for who they are. Whereas in other relationships, they may be putting up defenses. And so what do they do in other relationships? They suppress their feeling and they behave as if they're happy or as if they're content. But in a counseling relationship with you as a counselor, they should be open enough. They should know that they can show their anger. They can show their sadness. They can show their confusion. They can show their frustration without being disregarded for what they are feeling or what they are expressing. So that's very important for them to come to a place of growth, to come to a place of really experiencing that change. So unconditional positive regard, how does this actually play out? What do we look at? So when your counselor finds you are listening to their feelings, what happens? They become open. They become honest to whatever is happening within them. They are in an environment where they're encouraged to really share their thoughts, their fears, their feelings without fear. And they're also very likely to accept themselves and take on responsibility for growth, for change. They learn to accept themselves and also come to a place of responsibility to change. They take on the decision to change. So that happens only in an unconditional positive regard. Now this is very common. And if you have dealt with children, maybe your own or others, the more that you assign blame to them, like for example, let's say if you have a child and they don't clean up their room, the more that you assign blame to them and say, okay, you never clean your room, you're always condemning them, you're judging them, it's more difficult for them to get to the act. But let's say you're sitting and having a conversation and saying, I do see it's really hard for you to probably keep your room clean. I knew it's a struggle. I see that as a struggle. I see that you're really fighting it out. So what am I doing? I'm empathizing that it is a struggle for them. And then when they begin to realize that, okay, my mother, this person is looking at me with empathy and is regarding me no matter what it is and hasn't put me down. It's like, okay, I'm gonna start, I'm gonna probably start doing something tomorrow. Maybe I can't do the whole thing. Maybe I'll start with this. So it pushes them to a place of growth and to a place of change, okay? All right, we'll move to the third one, to the last one. Okay, I know I had a couple of examples, but I think we'll just move in. The next one is genuineness and congruence. Genuineness and congruence. So if you look at the meaning of the word genuineness, sorry, yeah. So if you look at the meaning of genuineness, it is, this again becomes the third aspect of the attitude. So genuineness is where you are being true to yourself, okay? It is the counselor being himself. And when you be yourself, you're serving as a model for your counseling. You're showing your counseling, what it means to be genuine, to be right, to be real, okay? So you actually win the respect and the confidence of your counseling. The word congruence, the word congruence actually, what it means is that you are the same internally as well as externally. So for example, you know, we're all very, very good at putting masks. We may put a happy face, but then inside we may be going through a lot of pain. So in order to cover up, we have this dual persons. Outside we are one way, inside we are another. But in counseling, one of the biggest attribute of a counselor, the attitude a counselor needs to have is a state of congruence. That is, you are, whatever you are on the inside is what you are on the outside, okay? Because your counseling will begin to see through. For example, in my mind, maybe I'm judging them and saying, okay, my God, what a kind of a person this is, you know, how can they do this? What are they talking about? But outside I'm trying to be all empathetic. It can be seen through, right? So, or for example, if you're not able to understand what your counseling is saying, or not able to feel what they're going through, but because you know that you should be empathetic, you actually say something, it will come across very, very easily. But what does genuineness and congruence mean? If I can tell my counseling, you know, I'm trying really hard to understand what you're trying to say or what you're feeling, but I'm sorry, I'm not able to pick that up correctly. Could you explain this to me a little bit more? Or can you help me work with me to help me understand what you really felt in that situation? So that shows genuineness. That is what shows congruence. It helps the client to understand that whatever I am on the outside, on my outward responses, is matching with what I'm feeling on the inside when I'm talking to my client or to my counseling. So that's very, very important to come across when in counseling. So, genuineness also shows that what you as a counselor are feeling, the feelings that you are experiencing is something that you need to be aware of and you are living these feelings and you're also able to communicate it appropriately. For example, like as I said earlier, when you're talking to your counseling, let's say maybe you had a bad day, okay? In your own home or in your own life, you had a bad day and you're sitting with someone trying to understand their issue and you're lost because you're there. Genuineness is letting saying, you know, I'm very distracted today. I've had a lot going on in my own personal life. I'm really distracted and I'm trying the best to understand. So I may ask you a couple of questions to help me stay in line with you. So that's genuineness. That's helping your counseling know that you're not God, you're not, you know, a perfect but letting them know that these are, you are really attempting to be with them and understand what they're going through. And because of the struggle you may be going through, you're probably not doing a very good job of it to actually say that, okay? So it's the ability to be real and not to be in a place where you are putting on, okay? So there should be in genuineness, whatever you're saying or doing should match your experience. It should match what you're aware of and it should match your communication, okay? So look at the example of this tool. Let's say an infant and an angry man. An infant, a real small baby will truly, they're never incongruent or they're never false. If they're crying, they show it out, right? If they are sad, they show it out. If they're happy, they show it out. Whereas let's look at an angry man, someone who's really angry on the outside but has put on a mask, you may not really, it's not genuine because he may show himself across his being calm but through his communication he's saying some real cutting words. He's saying something really mean or something really nasty but on the outside has a very calm demeanor, right? That doesn't, it's not an accurate match of what they're experiencing and what they're communicating, right? So that's, genuineness is that matching of your experience of how you see it and how you are also communicating that part of it, okay? So genuineness, what does it do? It promotes trust. It increases acceptance of you as a counselor because you're open about your own weakness or your own situation and it wins the confidence as a counselor to your counseling. So that's what genuine does, okay? All right, okay. So from what we have spoken about, we said three main attitudes. We said empathy, unconditional positive regard and genuineness. Now remember, all of these can't be learned. You can't learn it in a class. You can, it is like we said, it's a mindset change. It's a perspective change. It's something that you do with your own internal talk and how you express and respond to others will help you see if you are actually growing in them, okay? All right, any questions on this one before we move to the next part of it? Any questions? We have another half an hour, 25 minutes. So any questions? If not, we'll move into the next one. Come on students, not acceptable. I just, why am I not sensing that people have doubts? Come on. Yes, no one has any doubt? Okay, then we should probably have a live counseling session to see if y'all have understood everything, we can practice this a little bit more, maybe next class, okay? All right, I think we'll do that because we don't seem to be quite confident. Okay, all right, so let me just, okay. We're going to be moving into the next chapter, which is, sorry. Yeah, which is chapter four, and chapter four is what we're looking at is the counseling process, but before we get into the counseling process, we'll take the next half an hour to just look about the frame of reference, what is the frame of reference, okay? So we did say that the, what is the role of a counselor, the role of a counselor as we spoke of it was that a counselor is a facilitator, someone who is able to understand the situation and the feelings that is associated with it, someone who initiates and reinforces action and someone who equips another to help themselves, okay? So this is what you as a counselor do. I'm going to go to the, remember the first class, we spoke about a lady by name Susan, and I'd asked you all to write down what your first responses was, okay? And if you all have your responses at hand, I don't want you to read that out. I want you to rework your response from what we spoke about in this last class about genuineness, empathy, unconditional positive regard, okay? In the light of that, I want you to write down the first thing you will say that is empathetic to her that shows unconditional positive regard, okay? So can you please take one minute to put down your answers? You can either put it on the chat or you can unmute and speak, okay? Okay, I'm waiting for responses. Okay, thank you, Nina. So she's written what you're going through must be difficult, okay? Lovely, great. Sriradha, you can talk to your husband directly about your side, tell him all your concerns, because if you don't tell what you're facing, he won't be able to understand. Okay, Sriradha, empathy. I want you to use empathy. This is a solution, right? You're telling her what she needs to do. We are looking at how we can empathize. So can you rewrite your response? Empathy, how do you empathize? How can you unconditioning? So over here, when you say you can talk to your husband directly about your side, you have, what you've done is you've given her a way to solve her problem. Right now, she needs you to understand what she's feeling, okay? So can you rewrite that again, please? Okay, others? Anand, Anthony, Chirah, Jack in, Nina, Santosh, Prabhu, Prince, Ravali, Shivkumar. Okay, Anand's written, so sorry to hear that, Susan. It must be hard for you Sorry, I lost that. It must be hard for you, but don't take quick decisions. Okay, all right. It feels unfair not having your own space and freedom. Excellent, very good. Yeah, good, okay. The rest, Jack in, this is really a difficult situation that you're facing. Okay, good attempt. Anthony, I understand what you're going through right now, but you need to be more transparent. Okay, so Anthony here also, the second part of it, but you need to be more transparent. There again, we have gotten to a place of advice, okay? So the first part is just coming to a place of understanding. So again, when you keep, there's nothing too wrong in saying, I understand, but nevertheless, it's not as effective. When you just say, I understand, what do you understand? You need to look at what is the emotion that this person is going through. Can you tell me what is the emotion she's going through? What do you sense is the emotion? What's the emotion? Upper-most emotion. Can you hear, ma'am? Yes, I can hear. The place of someone is not trusting her, whom they should trust, and also of always being around, like some person of always checking on her, it's like, you know, not believing me. Good, okay, so great. So you, I think even Anthony's written, lack of trust. Yes, so she feels a lack of trust, is that lack of approval, very good. Someone said frustration, okay. And Edwin, you've said someone who, she's not feeling freedom. So she feels probably suffocated, or she feels unsafe. She feels, you know, rarely fed up. She feels at the end of her rope. Do you see that these are the feelings of someone's written hurting? But after hearing it, I feel it's hurting. Okay, right. So do you see that we should not move past that. So look for the feeling, look for the feeling. So even when you say, I understand, it's something that we casually say without really thinking about, when Susan is saying this, what is she feeling? What is going on inside of her that's making her come to you, right? So more than saying, I can understand, or I understand what you're going through, bring about the feeling, right? Or like, I think Radha wrote, if you're not able to pick up what the feeling is saying, you know, I'm trying my best to understand what you're feeling, it appears to me that it hurts. Could you share or help me understand what you're feeling a bit more? So then she'll say, you know, it's so suffocating or it's so claustrophobic, it's a very dark space, she will build on that. And that's what actually helps her to come to terms with what she's going through, okay? So remember that when someone is talking to you to move into their frame of reference, which is what we're gonna look at, it's important to understand what they're feeling. Now, going through the responses, you know, it's important to rate what your responses are. So some of your initial responses or the responses that came up, especially where there is advice, or where there isn't too much of a depth of what they're feeling, it can be an ineffective response. So let's look at some ineffective responses, okay? Some ineffective responses is, what has made you feel this way? Or why do you quarrel like that? You must be patient with him and love him. That is an extremely ineffective response, okay? Because you've made a judgment that she's not patient and that she doesn't love him, okay? Or tell me were you really in love when you got married? Here you're questioning her judgment, whether she really liked this person when she got married. Okay? That's not a place for me and for you and me to do that. Or maybe you should try other ways like making his favorite dish to please him. You've gone way beyond helping because you're trying to minimize her feelings by making a biryani for him, okay? It doesn't work. Next, you're saying that your marriage is not going well. Your relationship with your husband has deteriorated. He does not seem to appreciate anything you do. You're doing the best you know, but without success and satisfying him. So this is a little bit more longer, but again, it does not come. If you look, if you see that response, there's no feeling in it, right? It's paraphrasing what she's going through. The sixth one, you feel hurt because your husband is disappointed in you. Now that becomes a more response that's empathetic. It says because she's feeling hurt and she's disappointed, I mean, she feels that her husband is disappointed in her, right? And so that becomes maybe an effective response to really understand and figure out a lot more, okay? Now, if you need to bring change, you must as a counselor, it is up to you to bring about that help in bringing about that change through your relationship with your counseling. And one of what we spoke about last is your attitudes, which is unconditional positive regard, your genuineness as well as your empathy. When you display that you're helping your counseling come to a process of learning of change, okay? That learning process is what we call as EUA. Now this we will go into much detail much later, okay? But I'm just introducing this to you. What does EUA mean? E is exploration. When your attitude towards your counseling is of these three that we spoke about, you're helping your counseling come to a place of self exploration. You're helping them come to a place of self understanding their problem. And third is moving them into action, okay? So EUA is exploration, self exploration. You is understanding that is they begin to understand where they are at in their problem. And from there you're helping them move into a place of action, okay? So how do you bring about change? Your attitudes, which we spoke about empathy, positive regard and genuineness, it facilitates the learning process in the counseling. So what is self exploration? What is going wrong? You're helping them see what is going wrong. Not just in their situation, but what they are doing to contribute to a problem, right? Now remember, whenever someone comes to you for counseling, you're not attempting to change the husband or the wife or the people outside. You're helping them to look into how they may be contributing to the problem that they have, okay? So that's what you're doing. You're looking at what's going wrong and when you look at what's going wrong, they come to a place of drawing insights into their problem by looking within themselves. What about me is creating the situation as it is or what about me needs to be changed so that my situation can get better. Your counseling only has the control over their lives, not over the lives of somebody else. So what are you doing is to help them to come to awareness about what needs to be changed in them, okay? So that's understanding. And once they have understood, you move them into the next phase of action where they're going to work on different ways to change their situation, okay? Now this we will come into much later and in depth as we learn the skills. But in order to do this, how will you bring your counselor to this process of exploration, understanding and awareness? It is by entering into the frame of reference of your counseling, okay? Now what is a frame of reference? The frame of reference is, so think of it like this, you know? You have your house here and your neighbor's house is on the other side. If you want to see the road from their house, you can't sit in your house and see the road. What do you have to do? You have to go into their house and see the road the way that they can see it. Because the way that you can see your road is very different from the way that they can see your road. Now this I've given you a very practical understanding and that's exactly what frame of reference is. The way in which your counseling sees their problem is the way that you also need to begin to see, right? So the way in which the counseling sees themselves in relation to whatever is going on around them, you can see that only if you enter into their frame of reference. So in short, it is walking in their shoes, seeing through their eyes, getting in their skin, feeling from their heart. That doesn't mean you take their shoes and walk or you get their skin. I mean, it's not a literal sense that we're talking about. We're saying how you get into their world and see life from the way that they see it or see their problem from the way they see it or see themselves from the way that they're able to see it. So think of this example that anytime you want to see, let's say a shop that is in between your house and your neighbor's house, if you want to see it the way your neighbor sees it, you cannot see it from your house. You have to go into your neighbor's house and look at it from them. That's exactly what we're also doing when a person comes to you, okay? Now, what is the frame of reference? Now, there are two kinds of frame of references, all right? One is an external view and one is what we, what's an internal view, the external view of the frame of reference and the internal view of the frame, internal frame of reference. The external view is, and these are put into lines. It's your view of you and my view of me. So an external frame of reference is the way that you are seeing me and the way that I am seeing you, all right? And this becomes external because what happens is you're looking at it from your glasses or your perspective, right? I'm looking at you from the way that I see the world, for example, about Susan. I'm looking at Susan's problem from the way that I think her problem is. I'm not seeing her problem from the way she is seeing her problem, right? Or maybe I'll give you another quick example is, I say, I'm saying it's trying to get a good example. Yeah, so I'm saying, it's very hard for me to study math. I'm telling you, it's very hard for me to study math. And you're saying, if you want to study math, you should practice a lot, go for tuitions and one more thing, whatever, you give another advice. The way that you have seen my math problem is the way that you have seen my math problem is the way that you have seen the math problem if it was your problem, right? So that's an external view, external frame of reference. That is, I am seeing your problem from the way that I know of it. Or my view of you is the way that I see you from the way that I understand things. But an internal frame of reference is the way that I see myself and the way that you see yourself. So the way that I see a math as a difficulty is very personal to me and the way that you see math as a difficulty is very personal to you, right? So these are two different frame of references, an external as well as an internal frame of reference. Is this clear? If not, I need to explain this once again. So is it clear to you all or would you like me to explain it again? Is the class all there? Is everybody in the class or everyone's going to sleep? Okay, Ravali says clear. Anybody else? I hope it's clear. Okay, all right. So if that's clear, let's move on. Okay, so when... Did I take off the... Oh, sorry, I've taken off the presentation. Sorry, let me just put that again. Okay, so we were talking about these two frame of references, the external as well as the internal frame of reference. Now, in counseling, your frame of reference should be this. I understand or I am beginning to learn about your view of you. So what you're doing is you are moving away from the external frame of reference and moving into knowing what, how do they see their world? So that's what I said. I'm moving away from my house and going into her house and looking at the problem from her house. An external view would be, I'm looking at the problem from my house, right? An internal view is I'm looking at the problem of my own problem from my own house. But when you're looking at counseling, you're saying, I am coming into your house or your skin or your understanding and trying to see the problem from the way that you see it. I'm not seeing it from the way that I see it. I want to look at it from the way that you see it. Now, when you begin to see it this way, that's when you will avoid giving advices because when you're giving advices, you're giving advice based on what you would do, based on what may seem right to you. And that's what counseling is all about. Remember, we said counseling is not about giving advice. Counseling is about understanding, helping to understand the problem from the way that they see it and helping them find work and solution, facilitating that change for them. So, when you are responding from an internal frame of reference, what happens? When you respond from an internal frame of reference, it becomes like a chain, a three-link chain. That is, the counselor says a statement, the counselor says a statement, the counselor says a response and it helps the counselor to reiterate that statement. So, let me give you an example. So, let's say the counselor is saying, there is no one I can relate to at home. It's like being in a foreign place. So, this is what the counselor is saying. So, your response from an internal frame of reference would be, I hear that you're feeling very lonely or you're lost because you have really no one to relate to at home. Now, I didn't say, maybe you should go and make some friends. Maybe you should go to the embassy and find ABCD person to talk to. That becomes an external frame of reference. Maybe I will do that if I were in a foreign country. But what am I only doing? I'm getting into her frame of reference and saying, I hear that it may be really lonely and lost for you because there is no one you can relate to. And then when I say that, that's when the counselor may say, that's so right. I feel so alone. I feel so isolated even in my home. I actually feel like an island. So, they are exploring a lot more of what is going on. So, as against, suppose when, suppose I were to say, the counselor was a counselor, if I were to give a wrong statement or if I were to respond from an external frame of reference, I would say, hey, it's after all your home. Nobody should be a stranger to you. So, what will happen? The counselor will be moved away from that conversation and say, okay, but I also don't feel good at work. So, you see that you have derailed the conversation in such a way that your counselor has lost the ability to really feel and express what they are going through. So, when you respond from an internal frame of reference, you're allowing them to choose to actually talk about a certain thing. But if you respond from an external frame of reference, it will influence your counseling to block those thoughts and those feelings and experience that they could have really, really benefited from. So, this is what we call as the frame of reference. Moving on. So, what is it that involves the frame of reference? Now, if you're looking at this diagram, the big C is for the counselor and the small C is for the counselor. This is just to differentiate. Now, we all have, me as a counselor, I have my own culture, my environment, my experience, my education, my expectations, everything. I have come from that and I carry that with me wherever I go. So also, your counseling does the same thing. They come from a certain culture, they come from an environment and education and experience expectations. They have their own experience and world that they come from. So, when two people are interacting, we're interacting with all of this in our background. Okay? The frame of reference would mean moving from one into the other. Okay? So, what I'd probably like to do is I think I have a couple more of slides to think and I don't want to rush through this. So, I'd like to maybe, you know, bring about this the next class. We'll take the first 20 minutes to finish this before we go there. So, all that I'd like you all to just probably think about is how can I enter into the frame of reference of someone else? And one way of doing that, as I said, is to empathy, to begin to understand what is happening in the life of the other and that you do by tuning into the people's feelings. Okay? So, I'm going to stop right here. We will take on the next couple of slides in our next class because it may take another 20 minutes to complete that. Okay? But before we close, any questions, if there are, maybe when you're thinking about it through your chapter, you have some questions. Please put it for all the online students. Please put it on the stream. Write down your questions there and we can have a conversation there itself. Or for the other students, for the e-learning students, you have a space of discussion. You know, you can bring it up there. So, please go back, read this. Please don't keep it in for the next week and, you know, shut your book and say, okay, till next week I don't have to think about anything. Go back, read the chapter and think about questions. If you don't have questions, you know, I'm going to be quite upset because you should be having questions as you're understanding this. Okay? All right. Shall we just close with a word of prayer? Let me just close. Heavenly Father, I thank you, Lord, for this time, for what we have learned. Lord, may we see and treat other people like the way you've treated us. Lord, with acceptance, with positive regard, with unconditional love and also being able to be genuine. God, you desire that we come across to other people as a real people, Father, not putting on falsehood but, Lord, to be genuine and real in our interactions with others. Lord, even as we learn this, I pray that this will become a lifestyle where we will learn to empathize and move into the frame of references of others. Teach us to do that because that's exactly what you do. When we are broken, you show us, Lord, how you know us. You understand our brokenness. Thank you, God, for each of us. I pray, Lord, that you will work this learning in our daily lives. Once again, we praise you. We worship you. In Jesus name, amen. All right. Thank you, everybody. God bless. See you all next week.