 I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on relationship skills and relationship saboteurs. Over the next, you know, while we're going to be discussing relationship saboteurs and then how to sabotage the saboteurs. We're also going to be look at tips for sweetening your relationship, building empathy, getting a closer relationship, tips for compromise, getting your needs met, giving emotional support and being more thoughtful. So why is this important to us? As clinicians, a lot of times people come in and they're working with us and they're having difficulty in their relationships. And so we want to help them figure out not only what may be sabotaging their relationship, but even if they've got a good relationship, what can they do to nurture it? Because we know that social support is one of the greatest buffers against stress. So it's going to be really important that our clients feel like they've got healthy, sober, consistent social support. So what are your saboteurs? And this is kind of a long list. What we're going to go through is look at some of the commonalities among the saboteurs. Insecurity and needing control, fear of intimacy, needing to win pessimism, needing to be center stage, addictions, martyrdom, defensiveness and breaking trust. So what do all those have in common? People who are in relationships who are insecure. The first thing I start looking at as a clinician is I say what is going on with them that they feel like relationships that they're going to be abandoned, that they feel like they're not worthy of a relationship. So we look to prior abandonment issues, low self-esteem, fear of rejection, need for external validation because they can't validate themselves, which kind of goes along with low self-esteem. And the fear of failure, maybe they've been in relationships before and they still think dichotomously if one relationship failed or even two, then every relationship is going to fail. So one of the things that we'll do in counseling is kind of look at those past relationships to see what are the commonalities between failed relationships, if there are any, and what parts of those relationships were the result or because of the client, and what parts of those were because of the other person and the relationship. It takes two for a relationship. So either party is struggling or having difficulties, then the relationship is probably going to struggle. It doesn't mean it has to end, but it is probably going to be something that has to be dealt with. Needing to control kind of goes back to this insecurity and fear of abandonment. If I control everything, then I can make sure you don't leave. If I control everything, then there's going to be no surprises and I can be okay. If I can control everything, then I know that everything is going to be predictable and I need predictable because I can't handle the unknown. I'm terrified of the unknown because when I've let go of control before, things have just gone to pieces. So we want to look again at what is it about holding on to control and needing to control this other person that is so important for you. And in reality, can we control another person? You can cajole them, you can goad them, you can nag them, you can do a whole lot of things, but unless they want to do whatever it is, you really don't have control. So thinking that you have control is often sort of a fantasy, if you will. Fear of intimacy. People who have been abandoned before, people who've been hurt before don't want to get hurt again. All of us have been in relationships that have ended at one time or another. So if our clients come in and they fear intimacy, they don't have walls built up. They have lead walls built up, that are six feet thick and 250 feet high. There is nobody getting in. This fear of intimacy comes from somewhere. Remember, we do the best we can with the tools we have to protect ourselves and survive. So why is it? What is it about intimacy that is so terrifying? And we want to take a look at that. People may have been vulnerable before, which is part of intimacy, and then been criticized for it. They failed at something. So somebody says, well, you're not good enough. They may have tried to be vulnerable before and the other partner was emotionally unavailable and wasn't able to respond to them in a way that was fulfilling or adequate to them. They may be having issues with projection and transference. Maybe they were in a relationship before where someone that was similar had hurt them or abandoned them so they don't want to get close to anybody anymore. And you know, I get that. So we want to look at in the big scheme of things and this kind of throws us back to our acceptance and commitment therapy. Where you want to go from here in terms of your relationships, whether it's friendships or intimate relationships or relationships with your family and your kids. What does intimacy mean? What does intimacy look like? And what part does intimacy play in what you would like to have your ultimate goals when you're looking at where you want to go from here? Needing to win. That goes back to needing to control. If I have to be right all the time, then my question or if my client does, then my question to my client is what happens if you're wrong? What does that mean? What does it mean if you fail? What does it mean if you have the wrong answer? Does that mean that you suck as a person? Or does that mean you just didn't have the right answer or you failed at a task? So we want to look for global negative attributions. If somebody's afraid that if they fail, they'll be rejected, then we want to look at how dichotomous that is. If I fail at anything, then everyone is going to reject me. Or if I fail at anything, then this person is certainly going to reject me. So we want to make it a little bit more middle of the road and we want to say, okay, what things could you fail at that would make this person say, no, I don't love you anymore, would make this person abandon you. Then I also want to ask them, what things could you fail at that would make you abandon yourself? What things could you fail at which you say, you know, you are a stupid loser to yourself? Because a lot of times we find that our relationship saboteurs are loudest in our own head. It's the stuff we tell ourselves that tells us that we're not good enough. We are not smart enough. Nobody's ever going to love us. Everything is just pity or a facade. So I want to hear what those voices are telling people and that internal negative critic we talked about a couple of sessions ago is something that most of us have. Some of us have done a good job at kind of keeping it under control. Some of us still listen to it occasionally and have to tell it to be quiet. But we all have a negative internal voice that's part and parcel of being human. There's something that causes us to do that. Needing to be center stage. I skipped pessimism. Well, if you always expect the worst, you're never going to be disappointed. So if you have low self-esteem and you don't think anybody's going to ever love you, then guess what? If you're pessimistic, you're never going to be disappointed. If you have abandonment issues and you assume that everybody always leaves, then guess what? Self-fulfilling prophecy. Unfortunately, with pessimism, you can create these self-fulfilling prophecies. If you say, well, nobody ever stays around, you can actually start doing things to push people away. If they start to get too close, the protective part of you is going to go, oh, this can't happen. I need to get some distance, which can cause the person to take a whole lot of distance and terminate the relationship. Needing to be center stage. Needing that external validation. Constantly needing other people to tell you you're okay. Constantly needing to be the center of attention. What happens if you're not the center of attention? In the past, when you haven't been the center of attention, what happened? You know, maybe they were in a relationship with someone who cheated on them. So they feel very insecure about themselves. So if they're not center stage, if they're not the center of this person's world, then they think that the person is starting to stray. So we want to take a look at that. And we want to encourage the person to embrace not being center stage, to embrace being in the gallery so you can cheer on your significant other. You know, maybe you're in a relationship with somebody and they get a promotion. Well, they're center stage now. What does that mean? Is that threatening? Because they've got a promotion. Now they have, you know, more power, more money, more whatever. So does that mean they're going to abandon you? We're coming back to those abandonment issues and self-esteem and the person not feeling good enough because their significant other has a success. So we want to say, how can we embrace that and be happy for that person and support them? And we're going to talk about that later in the presentation. Addictions, whether any of these can go for your client or your client's partner. You know, if this issue is present in the relationship, then it's going to present probably as some angst within the relationship and will come out in counseling. If a partner has an addiction, then you want to look at what is it that they're trying to numb? Addictions are one way that people deal with pain, physical pain, emotional pain, fear of getting hurt. Now, not everybody who fears getting hurt is going to develop an addiction. You know, I'm not saying that. But I'm saying if somebody does have an addiction, then they are a lot less emotionally available most of the time. And it's going to cause a lot of disruption in the relationship because in the world of the person with the addiction, the addiction is center stage. The addiction is their best friend. They will do whatever it is to get the heroin, to get the alcohol, and everything else takes a back seat at a certain point. So if you have a partner of an addict, that partner is going to start to feel being pushed off, being lied to, being manipulated because their partner's addiction has basically become another relationship. Martyrdom. When somebody's in a relationship and they go, oh, you're just in this relationship because you pity me. Oh, woe is me. I will never be able to do this, that or the other thing. So you might as well just leave because it's not going to get any better. We want to look at what is this person getting out of being a martyr? What is this person getting out of putting themselves in a position? And a lot of codependents do this, which is kind of why I have it after addictions. They can put themselves in a relationship and they can say, well, I'm in this relationship and I can't leave because so and so needs me. It doesn't matter how bad it gets. I have to stay because so and so needs me. So we want to look at in what way this relationship is helping them get to where they want to be. In what way what they're doing for this other person is helping them, helping their relationship and or helping the other person. And obviously we're looking at someone who needs to control. Defensiveness. If somebody is called out on something, they're defensive all the time. What does that tell you? If I have a client who is always defensive, I'm going to say, What are they trying to keep me from seeing? Not necessarily hide. You know, sometimes it's not that they're lying. They're just afraid if you get to know the real them, they're going to be rejected. So if your client is defensive and your client doesn't want to answer certain questions, then you want to say what would happen if I knew the real you, or has anybody ever known the real you. If your client's significant other is defensive, then we want to look at, is this a new behavior? Or is this something that's kind of always been going on? And what is it about this person's defensiveness that is causing problems in your relationship at this point in time? Because obviously if the partner is defensive, we can't armchair quarterback and try to address those issues, but we need to help our client figure out how to deal with their significant other's defensiveness. And breaking trust. In relationships, no matter who breaks the trust once the trust is broken, the trust breaker is going to know that they can probably get away with it again. And the one who's had their trust broken is going to wonder if their trust will be broken again. Can it be repaired? Yes, it can. But it takes time. It's not like all of a sudden you wake up the next morning, you're like, you know what? Okay, I trust you again. Just like when you get into a relationship, trust doesn't happen overnight or hopefully it doesn't. We've got better boundaries than that. You gradually trust people with stuff. And there's this mutual reciprocity of sharing and being vulnerable and extending that trust. So a lot of these saboteurs really go back to low self-esteem and needing validation from someone else, not feeling like you're okay. Prior abandonment issues, especially those that occurred when the person was young, are often remembered and stored in the memory in all or nothing terms. And they're also often stored in egocentric terms. So if somebody abandoned your client when they were six, six-year-olds are very egocentric. So part of them may still feel like it was their fault for something, whatever the reason was that that parent went away or that person went away. And they blame themselves. So they feel broken. They feel like they are not worthy of having another relationship or they feel like whatever it was that caused mom to leave when I was six will cause every other person to leave. So why get close? So abandonment issues. What can we do? We can help people identify why do you fear abandonment from this partner? What would happen if this person left? What is it that makes you fear or think? What evidence do you have that this person may be ready or be thinking about leaving the relationship? Use the challenge in questions worksheet to explore thoughts and feelings. If you Google it, it's part of cognitive processing therapy. The challenge in questions worksheet is a cognitive behavioral approach to examining beliefs. So if the person says, I'm afraid this person is going to walk out on me. I'm afraid they're going to abandon me. Some of the first questions we're going to ask is, okay, what is the evidence you have for it? What is the evidence you have against it? How valid is that evidence? Is it, and you know, what sources are they reliable sources? Is this evidence based on feelings or facts? You know, maybe they're doing something a little bit differently. There could be six reasons why they're doing whatever it is differently. It doesn't necessarily mean they're getting ready to abandon you. So let's hypothesize what other alternatives there are. Then we want to help the person figure out, once they figure out what's actually going on, what's the next step? One of the questions I use with clients is identify what would need to be different for you not to fear abandonment. In this relationship, you know, have you always felt like there was a chance he or she would leave, and if so, why? And that usually points out history of poor relationships and or low self-esteem, usually both. But then we also want to say in this particular relationship, if this just started, what triggered your fears to start really coming to fruition about abandonment and what would need to change. So then we might need to have a couple of sessions. If low self-esteem is causing problems in the relationship, have clients do something as simple as complete the following sentence. And I don't do it as much in face-to-face counseling because I find a lot of clients have a hard time moving on with this. If they have low self-esteem, they're not going to sit there with a litany of, I'm a great person because it makes them very uncomfortable. So I give it to them as a worksheet, and I have them bring the worksheet back so they don't have to speak it to me necessarily. But then I can look at the worksheet and we can talk about some of the issues on there and or the strengths that they've identified. Have them identify all of their strengths and weaknesses. You know, self-esteem is how you feel about yourself versus how you think you should be. So there's your real self, how you are right now, how you think you should be. Let's identify what's worth working on of the weaknesses of the things that don't measure up to how you should be. Which ones are going to help you be more like the person you want to be? And let's make a plan to work on them. Once we help people start to see that self-esteem is undermining a lot of what's going on. Self-esteem contributes to depression, it contributes to anxiety, it contributes to relationship problems. Once we can help them see that if they start working on this and figuring out why they're okay, they're going to start feeling better. And some clients still kind of roll their eyes at me and they're like, yeah, yeah, you know, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me. And I'm like, yes, but you got to believe it. So I turn it around and I go, what would you want your child to say? Would you want your child to be constantly critical of him or herself? So imagine, you know, you are your own parent. What would you want child you to say about yourself? Fear of failure and conditions of worth. Many people avoid relationships because they fear failure. What does it mean if a relationship fails? A lot of us have been in relationships, romantic and otherwise, that haven't worked out or that have kind of fizzled out over time. What does that mean? A lot of times people interpret that as a fault of theirs. So we want to take a look at that. What contributed to this relationship's failure? What parts did you contribute? What parts did your partner contribute? And what parts did life contribute? You know, I have a lot of friends from college that I talked to, you know, on Facebook. Maybe a couple times a year. We used to chat all the time. We were in the same cohort in college. But life has happened. They're all the way across the country. They have jobs, kids. I have a job, kids. And there's just not as much time to work on those relationships as there was in the past. So we want to look at what does failure mean? Does it mean that person's not calling you every single day? Or does it mean you don't talk at all anymore? And what can you learn from this if you want a relationship to continue? And if a relationship fails, what do you want your child, if your child had this relationship, what do you want your child to take from that? Do they want to take from that? Do you want them to take from that? I'm a failure and people are always going to leave me. Or do you want them to identify, you know, what they can learn from it? Because like I said, not every relationship is going to work. I don't think there's any of us that really wants our kid to go, you know what? This relationship failed. It's all my fault. I stink as a human being and I might as well not have any friends. That's what we tell ourselves, but it's not what we want our children to say. So why do we tell ourselves that same horrible, awful, critical message? Emotionally unavailable partners. If you're working with a client who has an emotionally unavailable partner, work with them to try to help them communicate their need for an emotional connection. Now, emotions are kind of tricky because not everybody's comfortable with all of our feeling words. So sometimes we need to talk about what does it mean to have a connection and take that word emotional out of there. What would it look like? What would be different in your day to day interactions? Maybe it's as simple as the significant other coming home from work. You know, maybe they need some downtime, but then after dinner being able to sit down for 30 minutes without the kids, without the TV and just chat about your day and talk about what's going on. What would it look like? What would be different if your partner was emotionally available? And help the partner learn what it means to be emotionally available to you. And if you remember the book, The Five Love Languages, and we're going to talk about that more as we go, not everybody communicates their emotions, their feelings in the same way. Just like not everybody needs them communicated in the same way. Perfect example. I'm not a present kind of person. You know, people buy me gifts. I'm grateful, but I don't need gifts to feel appreciated, to feel loved. I need validation. I need words of validation. And that's more meaningful to me than getting a present. My best friend just thrives on presents. Whenever she gets one, her eyes light up. It's like so-and-so thought of me and thought enough to send me a present. And that makes her day. So we all have different ways that we interpret somebody's communicating an emotional connection with us. So we need people to understand what do they need, but we also need them to understand what their partner needs. Otherwise, it's like two people talking Spanish and French, and there's no communication. Projection and transference. If somebody has a history of getting into relationships with people that are fill-in-the-blank, you know, if there are common themes, we want to identify maybe who do these people remind you of and how are you trying to rewrite that story? It could be back to relationships and family of origin. It could be back to, you know, their first love that ended and they really never got over it. So they're trying. They're finding people that remind them of that person and trying over and over and over again to make it work this time. But they're finding that, you know, for whatever reasons that first relationship failed, all these other relationships are failing too. So again, we want to look at is it because of the person or is it because of the people that they're getting in these relationships with that may be broken, that may be unavailable, that may be, you know, whatever it is. Become fully aware of who this person is and force yourself to stop comparing them with other people. So you want people to become aware of who their current partner is. Who is this person? What do they like? You know, we know what your first love liked, you know, but this is not that person. This is person in 2017. So what is it that makes this person unique? What is it that makes this person special? Let's create a full character based on this person without the input from all these past failed relationships because what John did back in 2004, Sam, Mr. 2017 isn't necessarily going to do. So you don't want to project all your expectations from prior relationships onto current people. Global negative attributions. What do we do about that? Same thing we do, whether it's personal or work, but in relationships, if somebody says people always leave. Okay. Let's look at the evidence for that. What is the evidence you have for it and against it? And is it based on feelings or facts? Now, sometimes it's based on facts because you know what? The person got in their mind, people always leave. And what did I say? They push them away. As soon as somebody starts to get close, they put up that lead wall and they say, no, you're not going to hurt me. So we want to take a look at what would happen if you let that person in? What would happen if they came in and they left? So it's something we can explore in counseling as to how does a healthy relationship form and end? Because sometimes you've got to say goodbye. Other examples would be people never or I always. We want to make the attribution more specific. So it's not all people always leave. Maybe it's the women that I get into relationships with always seem to leave. Okay. That's a little more specific. So let's talk about what those women are like. And then see if we can find exceptions to that rule. And then avoid extreme words like all always or never. When you're dealing with human beings, there's very rarely any situation. You can say all always or never. I mean, theoretically I will always be five four, but I may shrink. You know, I don't know. But in terms of behaviors, we are not 100% predictable. So encourage people to look for the exceptions. They may not happen very often, but there are probably some exceptions out there. They may have to look to, you know, maybe their childhood friendships before things got complicated. But then we can start building on that and say, okay, this best friend you had when you were six, you know, you kind of grew apart family moved and yada, yada. But they didn't abandon you so much as you grew apart. So what do we do? Once you've identified all the saboteurs, people have started working on their self-esteem. They're communicating effectively. And they're really trying to work on the relationship, even if it's a little bit dysfunctional. What do we do? So love is a combination of emotions and action, including talking, compassion and trust. So some things that you can do, and not all these are going to sound like great ideas for everybody. So just throw some things out, rewrite your vows or promises that you made, have a recommitment ceremony, or another one that is a little bit darker. Imagine what life would be like if your partner were gone. You know, maybe your partner goes on a business trip for a week. Don't talk to that. Well, let them know ahead of time. Don't just not talk to somebody, but imagine what it would be like without that person to, let them know how your day was, to call and ask them for advice, to do whatever every time that you want to reach and pick up the phone. Imagine they're not there and see how it feels. And then after two or three days, you'll kind of have an idea about how precious that person is in your life. Try to communicate to your partner in his or her love language. If it's receiving gifts and give gifts, they don't have to be huge gifts. You don't have to spend a whole bunch of money. You can make something. Even a note in somebody's lunchbox or, you know, on the pillow or in their briefcase can be huge. Quality time, spending time where you don't have the cell phone, where you don't have the TV on, where it's just the two of you. Words of affirmation can be as simple as telling somebody how much they're appreciated or what a great job they did on something. Acts of service and devotion can be things like helping out around the house and saying, you know what, you had a hard day. Why don't you sit down? I'll make dinner and get the kids ready for bed. You know, that goes a really long way with people whose love language are acts of service and devotions. Like, wow, that person's willing to take this on because they had a hard day too, but they're willing to do this so I can have some time, some downtime. And physical touch, you know, the touch on the shoulder, the hugs, the kisses, all that kind of stuff. Some people respond really well to that. Some people need to be touchy. Some people need that physical contact. Most people have more than one love language. One is dominant and there's another one that's kind of subdominant. Know which ones you are. You know, think back to the last time that somebody did any of these things or that somebody did something that made you go, oh, okay, what was that? Was it a gift? Was it quality time? Was it words of affirmation, acts of service or physical touch? What is it that makes you tick? And then for that person, think about times where they've, their eyes have lit up or they've talked about something that really was touching to them. Which love language was that in? And you'll get a better idea about, and you can also obviously buy and read the book, but they'll get a better idea about how to communicate with you and get a better idea about how to communicate with them. Make an effort. Write down a list of things your partner could do that would make you feel loved or happy and exchange them. You know, this takes the guesswork out of it. What could this person do that would kind of make your day? And they don't have to go down the list all the time, but they can keep it and then when they feel like making an effort, they can do so. Remember or get Google to remind you, remember holidays or birthdays? I don't even remember to take out the trash on time. Without Google, I'd be lost. But make an effort to remember birthdays, anniversaries, or even just happy occasions and celebrate. Like maybe last year when your significant other got a promotion or, you know, six months ago when the two of you bought this new car, maybe you want to celebrate or just celebrate for no reason. It's Friday. We're together. Sweet. Let's go to dinner. If you have a disagreement, take a step back and try to see it from your partner's point of view. Now I warn my clients that when they try to do this, not to do it in the heat of the moment while your adrenaline's going and you've got that fight or flight reaction going on, it's hard to take the other person's perspective. So if you can take a step back literally, give yourself five or 10 minutes to kind of calm down, let the adrenaline rush go away, and then imagine it from your partner's point of view. And what happened? And why do you think your partner reacted the way they did? And then you can come back together and talk about it. Don't let fear of being vulnerable or abandonment undermine you. So share your hopes, dreams, and fears. Not all of them all at once. But if you have a hope or you have a dream, or you're like, you know, I really want to do this, share it with your partner so they can be supportive. They can't be supportive if they don't know, because they can't read your mind. If becoming vulnerable makes you also become critical and defensive, identify and work through those reasons. So if you say, you know, I would really love to own my own business one day. And no matter what your partner says, you're just like, well, you're just being critical. And you get really defensive and any constructive feedback or any questions or concerns the person has, you may want to take a step back and look at, why are you feeling defensive? What is it, you know, is it the person's presentation? Are they presenting in a way that's critical or demeaning? Sometimes that's the case, but most of the time it's our own stuff, that critical voice in the back of our own head going, you can't do this. Why are you even trying? So we want to check it. Is it all this stuff, is all this negativity coming from our partner, or is it coming from the voices in the back of our own head? Think back to hopes and dreams you shared when you were dating and make it happen. Maybe when the two of you were dating, you decided, you know how awesome it would be to go on a cruise to Alaska. And you know, life happened and two years later, five years later, 10 years later, you haven't gone on a vacation. Well, make it happen. And periodically just remind your partner of the qualities you love about them. It doesn't have to be long and mushy. You can be, it can be something like, it's so awesome that you fill in the blank and it can be a passing comment. It doesn't have to be this huge emotional situation, which can make some people uncomfortable. Building empathy. Empathy versus sympathy. Empathy. And you know, this is an example that a professor gave us in intro to counseling, and I hold it to this day because it means a lot. Imagine yourself at a well and there's somebody stuck down the well and it's cold and it's dark and you know, the temperatures are dropping and this person is just scared, witless. Sympathy is looking over the well and going, yeah, must suck to be down there. You know, help would be here pretty soon. I feel bad for you. I really do. Empathy is strapping on that repelling gear and getting down into the well with them. Now you can still get back out because you got the repelling gear, but you're getting down there with them and you're actually experiencing how cold and scary it is. So put yourself in their shoes with their experiences. Remember, it's not just putting yourself in their shoes for this moment because in their shoes means all the baggage that comes with it. Identify three alternate reasons your partner may be feeling or acting the way he or she is. So if they're just, you know, a grumpy Gus, think what are some reasons this may be going on? It could be me or it could be work or it could be they didn't sleep well or they're a whole bunch of reasons. So before taking it personally, figure out, you know, what are some options and then talk to your partner about it and ask yourself, you know, if there's something going on, if there's some discord, if your partner is having a rough time, ask yourself if your child was going through this situation, how would you feel and what would you do? You know, would you tell them to just suck it up and get over it? Or would you go, why don't you come here and sit down and let's talk about what's going on and figure out how we can work together. Remember that what you would want and need is not necessarily what your partner wants and needs. We're going to talk about this in a few weeks when we talk about extroverts and introverts and spontaneous versus structured people. Perfect example, my husband is an introvert, but he's spontaneous and I am very much an extrovert and very structured. So things that I want, when I think of a party, I think of 30 people. When he thinks of a party, he thinks of two couples going out to dinner. When he thinks of doing something is like, hey, this afternoon sounds like a great afternoon too. And I'm like, oh, uh-uh. I have the next 72 hours planned out. You need to get on the schedule. So try to look at things and be sensitive to what your partner needs. Be empathetic to what causes him or her stress. Allow yourself to listen as if your only job is to understand. So you're listening without preconceptions. Oh, I know where this is going. You're listening knowing that you know nothing. You have no idea what's going on in that person's head. You can guess, you can try to mind read, but how many times has that really worked for you? So just listen with a blank slate and try to take it in with open eyes and open ears. Try not to create consistency between your feeling and perceptions and your partner's feeling and perceptions. What do I mean by that? That means if you go, if somebody says, why don't you come sit down? We need to talk. My first reaction is, oh, crap. Something's wrong because those words never precede anything that's good. So that's me projecting my stuff and going, all right, this is going to be an anxiety-provoking situation. So whenever that person starts to say, I'm going to be looking for the bottom to fall out. So we want to take our feelings out of it as much as we can and just listen and hear the words and hear the meaning and then try to understand what's going on. Think of a difficult time that you experienced and answer all the questions. This is an activity you can do with your clients or encourage them to do. What was your perception of the occurrence? What was troubling to you? What were the emotions you were feeling at that time? What are the emotions being expressed in this moment now that you're thinking back about it? And what do you need from you now that you're feeling all these feelings again? What do you need in order to feel supported and loved and comforted and all that stuff? We need to be able to self-soothe. We need to be able to be self-aware before we can help anybody else out. Whether we're clinicians or we're in a relationship, if we are a basket case, we are not able to fully be aware and listen to what other people have going on. Start by taking time by yourself to practice using these skills on yourself because your ability to understand your own emotions will directly affect your ability to empathize with anybody else, not just your partner. So once you get to understanding, this is what sad feels like. I feel like I'm getting angry or this is what content feels like. Then you can more easily empathize because you can see those feelings, you can see those nonverbals in your partners. When a partner is relaying a difficult experience, listen to understand. Same questions. What was his or her perception? What was troubling to him or her? What were the emotions that he or she felt at the time? And what emotions is he or she expressing now? And what does he or she need from you? Not what you want to do, but what does he or she need from you in this moment? This can be practiced in group. One of the things I like to do is use media clips of people arguing. You can turn on the, my grandma used to call them the stories. You can turn on soap operas and you can get lots of good video clips for people to interpret kind of what's going on and empathy, what people were feeling. Tips for a closer relationship. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole and not require another person to complete you. I use the analogy of cookies because I love cookies. A sugar cookie is good by itself. It needs nothing else. It's a great treat. Chocolate chips are awesome by themselves. They need nothing else to be a great treat. This is what we want in our relationships. We want somebody to be the sugar cookie and somebody to be the chocolate chips. When you put them together, they make a whole different thing that is really super awesome. But either one by themselves is also really super awesome. See and accept your partner for who he or she really is. Foy bowls and all. None of us is perfect. So if you think your partner is perfect, take off those rose color glasses and go, you know what? That person's imperfect. And you know what? I'm imperfect too. So we can be imperfect together. Be willing to learn from each other. You know, most of us get in relationships with people who compliment us. So not with words, but they have strengths that we don't have. So learn from each other. Be willing to compromise. You're not always going to get your way. Remember back to the saboteurs always having to be right? Not so much in a relationship. So be willing to compromise. When Chuck and I first met, no joke, it was a 72-hour rule. You know, I couldn't, I was kind of rigid. Now, you know, as long as I've got information a day ahead of time that, hey, I'd like to go do something tomorrow, I can work with that. It doesn't completely flip me out. So that's compromise. That's progress on my part. Get comfortable being alone. If you're needing to be in the presence of other people in order to feel okay, then you're looking for external validation. If you're comfortable being alone, then you're able to provide your own validation and say, you know what? I'm pretty darn good. And I don't need someone else to tell me I'm okay. Develop awareness of why you fight with other people. Is it because you feel that they insulted you? And if so, why does their opinion matter so much? Is it because you fear abandonment? So you're trying to push them away. You're trying to make sure that you have the last word, something to work on. Is it because you get into relationships with people who are unhealthy? That could be true too. So, you know, not all relationships are meant to last. I hate to say it, but it's true. Own who you are. Voibles and all. Embrace ordinariness. Not every day is going to be the rush of your first date. Sometimes it's just going to be, hey, it's been an awful exhausting day. Let's sit on the couch and Netflix binge together. Cool. So embrace ordinariness, the fact that you don't have to have constant stimulation and distraction. Let go of expectations and embrace what is. Don't expect someone to do something wrong, but likewise don't expect them to always be at your back and call. Always be putting forth the effort. Embrace what is, because we have good days and bad days. And converse, plan conversation starters. We do this at our house. I try to plan a conversation starter for dinner. Otherwise my teenagers will sit there with their head in their plate, eating, and then want to get up and leave. So we have conversation starters. So I can get to know them a little bit as they're growing and changing their opinions and their ideas. And we stay a little bit closer. Compromise, always try to create a win-win. It may not be a super win and a super and a super win, but both of you get a little bit of what you wanted. Maybe you want to go on a vacation and your partner wants to go to the beach and you want to go to a cabin in the woods. Well, maybe you can find a cabin in the woods that's on a lake that has a beach. So both of you compromise. Or we're going to do this one this time and then in six months when we do our next vacation, we'll do that one. Compromise based on priorities. What's more important right now? Sometimes it's more important to let your partner win. Sometimes whatever you're compromising on is based on mutual priorities of what's best for the kids or what's best for, you know, when you choose a house, you may have two houses that you really love, but there's one that's in a better school system. Compromise based on needs. Compromise between extroverts and introverts. You know, like I said, party to me, 30 people. Party to him, two couples. So, you know, when we want to have a get together, we keep it to like 10. So that's not overwhelming for him. It's enough people and enough interaction that, you know, I have a great old time. Don't get too focused on the details or the big picture. You know, try to find some middle ground. Look at both rational reasons and emotional reasons for things. And, you know, there's a whole lot of stuff written on temperament and temperament in relationships. People who are rationally focused do things because it's the right thing to do. It's the rules. People who are emotionally focused individuals do things because it makes them feel good and, you know, it's helpful and it makes others feel good. We get into this conversation all the time because I do a lot of animal rescue. And, you know, I want to rescue every puppy. But rationally, I know that not only would it, you know, drive Chuck absolutely bonkers, but intellectually, I know I can only handle so many animals at one point. And then compromise between structured and spontaneous. So if your partner happens to be structured and you're spontaneous, start talking about, okay, maybe we can plan that one weekend a month or one day a week and identify the day, I get to choose what we do. So that person knows that they don't have control that day. Getting your needs met, saying things like, I want to be happy isn't helpful because I don't know what that looks like. What's going to make you happy? Tell me that. So I define your needs in terms that are observable. So you can say, I will be happy when X, Y and Z happen. Don't expect mind reading. You know, if it's your birthday and you want a surprise party or you want these six things to happen. Don't expect your significant other is just going to read your mind and go, oh, yeah, well, I need to do all these things because that's what she wants. Let the person know. Assertively state and own your feelings, wants and needs. This doesn't mean being ugly about it. It says, I feel whatever way because this is going on. And this is what I would like to see happen. That's owning it. That's not saying you did this, that saying this is what I'm feeling and this is what I'm needing. And this is a possible solution. Communicate in the person's preferred learning style. I'm a visual learner. I would rather read anything than listen to a podcast or something. When you're upset, sometimes you have a hard time processing information that's not in your preferred learning style. So if your partner learns best with written word, then write him a letter. You can sit down and read each other's letters together and then discuss it. You don't have to send it in the mail and go, well, we'll talk about this in a week. Preferably don't. But sometimes writing it down keeps you on point and allows the person to read it without getting all that nonverbal influx that they may misinterpret. Remember getting your needs met is about balance. There are certain basic needs we have to get met. But a lot of the other stuff that we call needs are actually wants. And we've got to balance what getting our needs, our wants and needs met with our partner, getting his or her wants and needs met. And remember that sometimes you just got to meet your own needs. You know, sometimes you can't rely on other people to do everything for you. You're going to have to say, you know what? This is something that's really important to me. So gosh darn it, I'm going to do it. Giving emotional support. Not everyone is comfortable with feeling words. So reflect their vocabulary. If they don't talk about feeling devastated, maybe they say, I feel like I got kicked in the gut. Reflect those words. I mean, that's counseling 101, but we need to communicate that to our clients to help them learn that not everybody shares the same vocabulary. Don't assume, you know, why somebody feels a certain way and you know, why they feel hurt, why they feel angry. Ask them what's going on. It seems like you're really angry today. I'm wondering what's going on. Or if they're in a relationship, you know, the person might say, I know these five things have happened and kind of list them off. Is there anything you want to talk about? Because you seem to be really struggling. And remember that emotional support can be shown through actions, not just words. So giving gifts like emotional support cards. And it can be get better condolences or it can be way to go. My daughter has every card that she's ever gotten hung up in her room. Quality time, taking a break or celebrating. It doesn't have to be money. It can be, you know, just taking a break and going on a walk at the park. Words of affirmation, you know, we covered that. Acts of service to help lighten the load. Or even physical touch like a hug or a back rub can be congratulatory or it can be comforting or it can be both. Being more thoughtful. Pay attention and ask what your partner likes and dislikes. Do things you don't want to do. You know, sometimes I don't want to do it, but I'll do it anyway. Think about when your kids were little and well, this is me when my kids were little. I never got into playing Barbies or with the little matchbox cars and they would want to play. And I would do imaginary play and I would do it the best I could, but I really didn't like doing it. But I did it because it was important to them. Keep a running list of gift ideas for the other person, you know, in an Amazon account on your iPhone, whatever. Write sweet notes or text messages or just thank you to the person. Like, hey, thanks for taking out the trash today. They take out the trash every week, but every once in a while it's good to acknowledge it and go, you know, I noticed and I appreciate it. Remember important dates. Truly listen to what the person has to say. Be there during tough times, even if you're busy. So, you know, maybe you have a code word. There's the, I need to talk and then there's, dude, stop what you're doing because I need to talk right now. You know, code read, whatever it is. You may be able to hear it in their voice, but it's important to put your stuff down and say, all right, you know, I'm clearing my schedule. I can hear this as a crisis and start some personal rituals for the two of you or for your family. Daily rituals, like we have our conversation starters at dinner weekly rituals. We have movie night each week and then maybe annual rituals, something you do once a year as a couple or as a family. So relationships are complicated. I think you've gotten that over the course of the hour, I really tried to point out some tips and tools that we could give our clients that they can look through and go, yeah, I can do that one. Yeah, I can do that one. When relationships start to falter. I really believe it's not one person's fault. They may have some behaviors that are contributing to it, but a lot of that probably comes from their stuff that they don't even know they have. So as clinicians, we can help them identify some of that stuff like the abandonment issues and the low self-esteem and start working on it. Because what was functional for them as a six-year-old or as a 10-year-old and it protected them, maybe sabotaging them now. So if we help them see how much stronger a person they are now than they were when they were a kid and how much they can handle, they can start making steps toward liking themselves and feeling confident. Basic areas to focus on in relationship building include compassion and emotional support, effort and thoughtfulness, compromise, embracing what's good instead of always focusing on what's wrong. And awareness of relationships, saboteurs can prevent a great relationship from falling apart. Because people can look at it and go, you know what, I see this starting to happen. I can take steps to try to fix it so this relationship doesn't fall apart. I know a lot of people who go, you know when it comes to relationships, I am A number one at sabotaging them. Well, great, you know that. So if you want to work on it, you're halfway there. We can help clients start looking at what a relationship looks like, what they want their relationships to look like and start taking steps to get there. Emotional fitness for intimacy and emotional fitness for couples are two really good books that you can take a look at. They've got a lot more suggestions and relationship saboteurs goes over the relationship saboteurs that we talked about and provides Dr. Gunther's own suggestions for how to deal with them. Are there any questions? I know it ran a little bit long today so I'm going to hang out in the chat room for a few minutes. While y'all take your quiz, if you have any questions, you can also always email questions to support at allcews.com. If you enjoy this podcast, please like and subscribe either in your podcast player or on YouTube. You can attend and participate in our live webinars with Dr. Snipes by subscribing to allcews.com slash counselor toolbox. 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