 This is the Danny K show With Harry James and his music makers Presented by Pat's Blue Ribbon 33 fine brews blended into one great beer For your entertainment, Pat's Blue Ribbon presents Eve Arden, Lionel Standard, Bob Jealouson, Shirley Mitchell The outstanding music of America's top band Harry James and his music makers Yours truly, Ken Niles And Danny Kay Last week our over-enthusiastic but impractical hero Danny Kay acquired a little theater And now with opening night close at hand There is great activity permeating the place Danny, help me, will you? Certainly, Lionel, what's your problem? Well, it's your publicity, man I'm trying to paint the poster for the front of your theater You are? Yeah. How do you make an end? Up, down and up Or down, up and down Why don't you just lay on your side, Bob, and make a Z? Gee, that's a great idea That's a wonderful idea. Thanks, Danny Well, you're welcome, Lionel Say, by the way, don't forget to put the name of the play in quotation marks, will you? Quotation marks. How do you make them? Well, you know how to make a comma, don't you? Oh, sure. That's a period with a tail on it Exactly. So if you want a quotation mark You make two periods with tails and shove them upstairs Greetings, Impressario Hello, Evie For heaven's sakes, Lionel, what kind of a sign is that? Dazzy K's Playhouse Boy, you're not looking at it right You gotta lay on your side It's a little bit mixed up, Evie, but he's very helpful We've got our own little playhouse That's something I've always dreamed about Really, Danny? Yeah, just think I'll be able to play all kinds of parts I'll get a chance to be Waller-Pigeon, Humphrey Bogart, Sidney Greenstreet, all rolled into one Doesn't that sound great? Sounds kind of lumpy to me But anyhow, you're in this thing and I'll help you the best I can My gee, thanks, Evie You've always been mother, father, sister, and brother to me That's me, one man's family By the way, did Harry James decide on his number for the opening? Yeah, yeah, he did I think he's playing 12 o'clock jump You mean 1 o'clock jump? Who changed it to 12 o'clock? War director Burns Now about the play then, it is somebody outside to see you It's about your permit for running this theater Oh, that sounds pretty important I better go right out Oh, hello Is there anything I can do for you? I'm the building inspector Well, yes, I was just going out to sit You're the building inspector? Yes, I've come to inspect your premises Permises? Yes Well, I'm sure you'll find everything is okay I think everything is just fine I'm not making you nervous, am I? Nervous? No, I'm not No, I'm not nervous Then why don't you take your foot out of your pocket? Well, yes, silly of me Shall we start? I wish you would You mean inspecting? Well, I've already made a very careful inspection Well, what's your opinion? Solid, brother, solid Well, you're not exact Did you inspect my beams? Yes, I did, thoroughly I just had them reinforced Tell me more, come over here beside me so we don't have to shout I didn't learn Then I'll come closer to you Now, tell me more about your beams They were kind of... Well, you see, the piece up... We didn't have the cross beam They just didn't... Look, did you inspect the fire sprinkler system? Yes, it works fine Oh, no, it doesn't If it worked fine, it would be on now Let's not talk about the building anymore What should we talk about? Well, let's talk about you Me Yes, and me Maybe slightly myopic But I can say I care for the topic I could talk about love So let's talk about frogs Let's talk about toads Let's try to solve the riddle why Chickens cross roads Let's talk of the past The deer long ago A flat top and prune face I miss them both so Let's talk of Matt as Libyan Or if you feel amphibian A cruise on the Caribbean Peruse the Daily News Or do you read the Herald Tribbian But let's not talk about love Let's talk of Lamar That head is so fair Why does she let Joan Bennett wear All her old hair If you know Garbo Then tell me this news Is it a fact the Navy's launched All her old shoes Let's write a tune that's playable A diddy swing that's wearable A say whatever's sayable About the tower available A cheer for the career A bitty bitty bitty greyable But let's not talk about love Let's talk about sharks Let's talk about flats Let's talk about the smudge parts That women call hats Let's start a new dance Let's try a new step Or investigate The cause of Mrs. Roosevelt's pep Why not discuss my theory The life of Wallace theory Or bring your aunts and nieces on Or write a silly thesis on Astrology, mythology, geology Philology, pathology, pathology Electrophysiology, zoology, phrenology I owe you an apology But let's not talk about Let's talk about cards I have some right here How about a game of Pisha-Pisha, my dear Let's talk about time And how it's elapsed Or to make the sponsor happy We could talk about papst But honey, I suspect you all Be an intellectual So instead of gushin' on Let's hold a big discussion on Timidity, stupidity, solidity Fragidity, avidity, debility Manhattan, emissivity, fatality Morality, legality, finality Utility, reality, assault Hospitality, papacity, papacity I'm losing my velocity But let's not talk about love That's wonderful, Mr. K. But I'd still like to talk about love Well, I... Well, I... Well, Ken! Well, Miss, this is Ken Niles See you later, boys How are you, Mr. Niles? Or do you mind if I call you Ken? Mind? Well, you can call me anything Or any time, for that matter Oh! How sweet! Awfully warm in here, isn't it? Yes, very warm! Oh, let's not talk about the weather, Ken Well, what would you like to talk about? What would you like to talk about? Papst Papst? Yes, Papst's Blue Ribbon Beer Would you rather talk about Papst than love? Oh, I can talk about both I love Papst Aw! How nice for Papst Certainly! Papst has that golden, rich color That one in a million tastes That comes from the Papst's Blue Ribbon process Of blending Full flavor blending Of never less than 33 fine brews Oh, you know, Ken, I love the sound of your voice It's so smooth and mellow Oh, that's Papst, alright Smooth and mellow Why it has the most delicious, tingling, appetizing flavor That ever flowed from a bottle So order it with confidence And serve it with pride For no matter where you go There is no finer beer No finer blend Than Papst's Blue Ribbon Yeah, well, I think we better Start getting things organized around here Ken? Ken, will you raise the curtain? Yes, Mr. K Lionel, put those chairs in the center of the stage Yes, Mr. K Hey, Bob, hit me with a white spotlight Yes, Mr. K Is there a doctor in the house? No, but here's a Band-Aid Well, Danny, what opus are we doing tonight? Well, for our first play We're going to present a very mysterious Blood-curdling murder melodrama What part do I play in this murderous mystery? A female corpse? No, on the contrary, you've got a very big part You're a mysterious European gal Named Ivesca Hunkadori Ivesca Hunkadori? Okay, but don't tell my mother She thinks I'm playing violin for Phil Spitalne By the way, what are you going to be? Well, I shall portray the exacting rule Of the famous super-sluice of Scotland Yard Inspector H.I.J.K Now remember, kids Let's all play our parts Just as though we had an audience Oh, you're beginning to dab it, too Oh, come now, Evie Now look, kids, you'd better go in and get your costumes on We'll start as soon as you're ready Hey, man Well, hello, Jealouson How's the laundry business? Oh, I'm not running the laundry anymore, Mr. K My machine broke down Oh, you're washing machine? No, the button crusher Oh, you do that with a machine? Well, what are you doing now? Oh, I'm in a very exciting business I just thrill a minute There is? Yes, and sometimes it's a little dangerous, too Well, what do you do? I'm an exterminator Well, that is exciting You betcha You betcha Mr. K, are you troubled with termites? Well, no, not personally I'm not I've often wondered Say, how do you go about getting rid of termites? I have a method on my own I take a chair and a whip and a pistol and go right down into the cellar with them You do? Yes, sir Right where those termites are chewing away on the timbers And then when you're face to face with them, you kill them, huh? Oh, no, I don't hurt the little dears I just pull their teeth and set them free Isn't that cute? Oh, sure A toaster's termite couldn't gum his way through a ladyfinger I'd like to talk to you some more, Jealouson But we've got a play to do Oh, good Can I watch it? Watch it? Yeah, you can watch it if you want it, Jealouson Say, Danny, I'm having a little trouble with my band setup What's the matter, Harry? Isn't there enough room in the orchestra pit? Orchestra pit? It looks like a telephone booth lying on its side That's the way I make an end Well, gee, Harry, the pit is deep enough, isn't it? I'll say it's deep I had to send my French one player home He got the bends Well, why don't you try the pit on for size, Harry And see how it works Uh, run through the 920 special, huh? Now, kids, let's get on with the play, huh? What do you want me to do, Danny? Well, I can't suppose you read the program notes Okay The Danny K. Little Theatre Guild presents an epic episode In the life of that intrepid super sleuth of Scotland Yard Inspector H.I.J.K. Entitled, The Case of the Murdered Meatball With Eve Arden as Yves Cahucadori Lionel Stander as the Sergeant Harry James as James And Danny K. as the Inspector A mood music, maestro, please Scotland Yard, where we find the renowned Inspector K. Hard at work in his crime laboratory Sergeant Sander, hand me that test tube He is Inspector K. Now, watch closely First, I put in some magnesium monophosphate Then I add some butane hydrochloride And I pour in a dash of oxohydric acid There Now, I stir the mixture Be an easier way to eat 48 hours, that's practically a whole day All right, this inactivity is frightfully appalling I shall take that line again This inactivity is frightfully appalling That's better Turn on the police wire, Sergeant Very sensitive, chap, what? Did he say a murder? Yes, I said a murder Murder, he says It's a whole attack You're supposed to be the Inspector I'm sorry, I beg your pardon, Sergeant I was carried away It's American butter jigging, what? Come, Sergeant Let's... Hires There, any second, Inspector We're doing 50 miles an hour Tough, therefore, Sergeant Manhole Remember your last murder case, Inspector The one on the Liverpool nightboat Quite, quite, yes You mean the case of the dutty daughter Who despised her father Yeah, she followed him on the boat And when he wasn't looking Pip, pip, she shot pop on the poop What? Press the doorbell Ah! Pardon me, madam Inspector, there's a shadow licking at the upstairs window Who is that up there? Who is that down there? Who is that up there? Who is that down there? Who is that up there who keeps saying Who is that down there when I say Who is that up there? Lady, let us in with the police You are what? We have barbies Well, we'll let you in Good evening, I am James, the butler Who, the butler? Yes, I'm replacing the chambermaid For active duty It's you, Inspector I am Ivesca Honcadori The widow of the murdered man Do you not think I am beautiful? Madam, remember I'm first a detective And second, a man And shift into second Madam, madam, we're On the floor Inspector, do you have any idea Who murdered my little meatball? Your meatball Late husband I call him meatball Because he had always tomato sauce on his vest I have to examine the body first But right now I shall have to remove my monocle It's not fit, what? As I thought What? He's dead Amazing, Inspector, amazing What's that? That is coming from next door Meeting of the Frank Sinatra fan club And what was that? They got him I'm from the basement From the what? The basement The basement Downstairs Come on, Saint-Jean Wait, Inspector, before you go down the stairs There's something I must tell you Just, uh, what? What? What? What? What did you want to tell me, madam? Beastly dog down here What? I said it's beastly dog down here Oh Answer my own question, what? I said answer my own question I say how long can this keep going on here? Over there behind the furnace Come out of there whoever you are I've got you covered, you hear? Absolutely covered What are you doing down here? Who are you? Speak up! I'm a building inspector I'm getting back to the corpse, it's safer Inspector, are you coming up? Uh, madam, I'll be up there Before you can say Jack Robinson Hello, madam Sorry, I kept you waiting Now back to the murder, tell me, madam Did your late husband have any enemies? No, he was a good man Everybody loved him He was kind, kind, I tell you Then somebody killed him Why did it have to be my poor innocent meatball? One of the scouts listening in I also do like comedies Your name, Hankadori That's, uh, Hungarian, is it not? We? Then you're hot It says yes here Leaving the pot Pardon Then your husband must have been the great Hungarian chemist Halvar, Hankadori The same Who was Halvar, Hankadori? Why, sergeant, I'm surprised He was the inventor of goulous goulash Goulous goulash Absolutely He took a great quantity of goulash Put it in the pot Boiled away all the goul Until there was nothing left but lash He then put it on the market under the trade name Of mother Hankadori's Hungarian homogenized lash Unfortunately, nobody bought it The public didn't like just plain lash Yes, then for months he was out of work So having nothing to do, he discovered That he was double-jointed And finally got a job with the circus as contortionist Wasn't he known as Halvar, the alphabet soup man? That he was, that he was Madam, your husband wasn't murdered He committed suicide Well, it's very simple I saw his act He would climb into an extremely large bowl of consomme To each performance He would contort his body into a different letter Monday, A, Tuesday, B, Wednesday, C, and so on Last Thursday he contorted his body into the letter Q And on Friday, R But he couldn't bear to do his act today So he committed suicide Why? He refused to make an S of himself The baffling case of the murdered meatball Did you like it, Ken? Well, Eve, as a spectator, I like to play very much But as a criminologist, I didn't agree With some of Inspector Kay's theory You didn't, huh? Since when have you been interested in criminology? Oh, I've always been interested in it In fact, right now I'm working on a case A case of Pap's blue ribbon, no doubt No, Eve, this happens to be a case that concerns music It's the case of the one-string harp A one-string harp? Well, again, you can't get music out of a harp With only one string I know you can't, Harry It would be just like trying to make a truly great beer From a single brewing That's why the Pap's blue ribbon process Of full-flavor blending Combines never less than 33 fine brews That's the only way in the world To obtain that wonderful Pap's flavor That distinctive tang and sparkle That day-in-day-out goodness That folks everywhere find in this delicious beer It's mellow, rich flavor, it's tingling taste Yes, you can order it with confidence And serve it with pride For no matter where you go There is no finer beer No finer blend than Pap's blue ribbon Well, kiddies, it's almost time To turn down the lights now And lock up the playhouse for this session anyway Oh, come in Oh, it's you again Anything wrong? Oh, no But aren't you going to say something to me Before you go? Oh, sure, sure Get the little beat, fa-sa-na-nt Get the little beat, fa-sa-na-nt Get the little beat Directed by Dick Mack And brought to you by the Pap's Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and Peoria, Illinois