 CHAPTER 81 PART 6 of THE ADVENTURES OF PARAGREN PICKLE VOLUME 2 by Tobias Smollett. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. THE MEMOIS OF A LADY OF QUALITY PART 6 By this time my lord was arrived in England, and employed in discovering the place of my retreat, so that I lived in continual alarm, and provided myself with a speaking trumpet which stood by my bedside, to be used in calling for assistance in case my pursuer should make an attack upon my lodgings. This situation being extremely uncomfortable, I had no sooner begun my process against him, than I put myself entirely under the protection of Mr. S., who conducted me to the house of a friend of his who lived in the country, where I was secure from the attempts of my husband. The world had now given me up, and I had renounced the world with the most perfect resignation. I weighed in my breast what I should lose in point of character, with what I had suffered in my peace at home, and found that my reputation was not to be preserved except at the expense of my quiet, for his lordship was not disposed to make me easy, had I been ever so discreet. I therefore determined to give up a few ceremonial visits and empty professions, for the more substantial enjoyments of life. We passed our time very agreeably in various amusements with this friend of Mr. S., until the term of my reckoning was almost expired, then returned to London and took lodgings in Southampton Street, where I began to make the preparations for the approaching occasion. Here I proposed to live with the utmost circumspection. I disguised my name, saw nobody but my lawyer and lover, and never approached the window lest I should be discovered by accident. Notwithstanding these precautions, my French maid whom I had sent for some of my clothes, was dogged in her return, and next morning my lord took my lodgings by storm. Had he given the assault in his person only, I make no doubt that he would have suffered a repulse from the opposition of the Ligois, who made all the resistance in her power, but was obliged to give way to superior numbers. I was at that time a bed, and hearing an unusual noise below rang my bell in order to know the cause of such disturbance. I drew my curtain at the same time, and who should I see entering my chamber but his lordship, attended by a constable and the footman who had discovered my retreat. Such an unexpected visit could not fail to affect me with surprise and consternation. However, I summoned all my fortitude to my aid, and perceiving the fellows were about to open my window-shutters, desired their principal to order them downstairs. He readily complied with my request, and sitting down by my bedside told me with an air of triumph that he had found me at last, and I frankly owned that I was heartily sorry for his success. Instead of upgrading me with my escape, he proceeded to entertain me with all the news in town, and gave me a minute detail of everything that happened to him since our parting. Among other articles of intelligence, giving me to understand that he had challenged Mr. S., who refused to fight him, and was in disgrace with the Prince of W., on that account. But here his lordship did not strictly adhere to the naked truth. He had indeed, before our departure from the country, gone to my lover, and insisted upon having satisfaction in Hyde Park two days from the date of his demand and at three o'clock in the afternoon. S., believing him an earnest, accepted the invitation, though he observed that these affairs could not be discussed too soon, and wish the time of the meeting might be an earlier hour. But his lordship did not choose to alter the circumstances of his first proposal, and when he went away, said he should expect him at the appointed place in time if it did not rain. His antagonist gave me an account of the conversation when I assured him the whole business would end in smoke. Accordingly, my lord sent him a letter on Monday, desiring that the Assygnation might be deferred till Thursday, that he might have time to settle his affairs, and pay us a hundred pounds which he had formerly borrowed of him. When Thursday came, he was favored with another epistle, importing that the challenger had changed his mind, and would seek satisfaction at law. Thus ended that heroic exploit which his lordship now boasted of with such arrogant misrepresentation. While he thus regaled me with these interesting particulars, I was contriving a scheme to frustrate the discovery he had made, so that I did not contradict his assertions, but told him that if he would go downstairs I would rise and come to breakfast. He consented to this proposal with great cheerfulness, and I own I was not a little surprised to find him at this first interview in as good a humor as if nothing had happened to interrupt the felicity of our matrimonial union. It cost me some invention to conceal my condition from his notice being now within a week of the expected crisis, but I knew I had to do with a man of no great penetration, and succeeded in my attempt accordingly. We breakfasted with great harmony, and I invited him to dinner after having prevailed upon him to send away his mermidans, whom nevertheless he ordered to return at eleven o'clock that night. We conversed together with great gaiety and mirth. When I rallied him for visiting me in such a dishevel, he stood on tiptoe to view himself in the glass, and, owning I was in the right, said he would go and dress himself before dinner. He accordingly went away, charging my maid to give him entrance at his return, and he was no sooner gone than I wrote to Mr. S. giving him an account of what had happened. Then without having determined on any certain plan, I huddled on my clothes, muffled myself up, and calling a chair went to the next tavern, where I stayed no longer than was sufficient to change my vehicle, and to the astonishment of the drawers, who could not conceive the meaning of my perturbation, proceeded to a shop in the neighborhood where I dismissed my second chair and procured a hackney-coach, in which I repaired to the lodgings of my lawyer whom I could trust. Having made him acquainted with the circumstances of my distress, and consulted him about a proper place of retreat, after some recollection he directed me to a little house in a court, to which, by the assistance of my lover, my woman and clothes were safely conveyed that same evening. My lord, however, came to dinner, according to invitation, and did not seem at all alarmed when my maid told him I was gone, but stepped to my lawyer to know if he thought I should return. Upon his answering in the affirmative, and advising his lordship to go back in the meantime and eat the dinner I had provided, he very deliberately took his advice, made a very hearty meal, drank his bottle of wine, and as I did not return according to his expectation, withdrew in order to consult his associates. This motion of his furnished my woman with an opportunity of making her retreat, and when he returned at night the coast was clear and he found nobody in the house but a porter who had been left to take care of the furniture. He was so enraged at this disappointment that he made a furious noise which raised the whole neighborhood, reinforced his crew with the authority of a justice of the peace, tarried in the street till three o'clock in the morning, discharged a lodging he had hired at a barber's shop opposite to the house from which I had escaped, and retired with the comfortable reflection of having done everything which a man could do to retrieve me. The hurry of spirits and surprise I had undergone in effecting this retreat produced such a disorder in my constitution that I began to fear I should be delivered before I could be provided with the necessaries for the occasion. I signified my apprehension to Mr. S., who with infinite care and concern endeavored to find a more convenient place, and after all his inquiries was obliged to fix upon a paltry apartment in the city, though his tenderness was extremely shocked at the necessity of choosing it. However, there was no remedy nor time to be lost. To this miserable habitation I was carried in a hackney-coach, and though extremely ill bore my fate with spirit and resignation in testimony of my sincere and indelible attachment to my lover, for whose case and pleasure I could have suffered every inconvenience and even sacrificed my life. Immediately after I had taken possession of my wretched apartment, I was constrained by my indisposition to go to bed, and sin for necessary help. And in a few hours a living pledge of my love and indiscretion saw the light, though the terrors and fatigue I had undergone had affected this little innocent so severely that it scarce discovered any visible signs of life. My grief at this misfortune was inexpressible. I forthwith dispatched a message to the dear, the anxious father, who flew to my arms and shared my sorrow with all the gentleness of love and parental fondness. Yet our fears were for that time happily disappointed by the recovery of our infant daughter, who was committed to the charge of a nurse in the neighborhood, so that I could every day be satisfied in my inquiries about her health. Thus I continued a whole fortnight in a state of happiness and tranquility, being blessed with a conversation and tender offices of my admirer, whose love and attention I wholly engrossed. In a word he gave up all his business and amusement, and concentrated all his care and assiduity in ministering to my ease and satisfaction. And sure I had no cause to regret what I had suffered on his account. But this my agreeable situation was one day disturbed by a most alarming accident by which my life was drawn into imminent danger. The room under my bed-chamber took fire. I immediately smelt it, and saw the people about me in the utmost perplexity and consternation, though they would not own the true cause of their confusion, lest my health should suffer in the fright. Nevertheless, I was so calm in my inquiries that they ventured to tell me my suspicion was but too just, upon which I gave such directions as I thought would secure me from catching cold, in case there should be a necessity for removing me. But the fire being happily extinguished, I escaped that ceremony, which might have cost me my life. Indeed it was surprising that the agitation of my spirits did not produce some fatal effect upon my constitution, and I looked upon my deliverance as the protection of a particular providence. Though I escaped the hazard of a sudden removal, I found it was high time to change my lodgings, because the neighbors rushing into the house upon the alarm of fire had discovered my situation, though they were ignorant of my name, and I did not think myself safe in being the subject of their conjectures. Mr. S. therefore procured another compartment with better accommodation, to which I was carried as soon as my health would admit of my removal, and soon after my lord wrote to me, by the hands of my lawyer, earnestly entreating me to drop my prosecution and come home. But I would not comply with his request, and nothing was farther from my intention than the desire of receiving any favors at his hands. Thus repulsed, he set on foot a most accurate search for my person, in the course of which he is said to have detected several ladies and young girls who had reasons for keeping themselves concealed, and had liked to have been very severely handled for his impertinent curiosity. Being unsuccessful in all his attempts, he entered into a treaty with one Sir R. H., a person of very indifferent character, who undertook to furnish him with an infallible expedient to discover the place of my abode, if he would gratify him with a bond for a thousand pounds. Which being executed accordingly, this worthy knight advertised me and my maid in the public papers, offering one hundred pounds as a reward to any person who should disclose the place of our retirement. As soon as the paper fell into my hands I was again involved in perplexity, and being afraid of staying in town, resolved with the concurrence of my lover to accept an invitation I had received from the Duke of Cay, who had by this time arrived in England with that lady whom I have already mentioned as one of our parties at Paris. Having visited my little infant, I next day set out for the Duke's entry seat, which is a most elegant chateau and stands in a charming situation. Mr. S. followed in a few days. We met with a very cordial reception. His grace was civil and good-natured, lived nobly and loved pleasure. Madame de Laetit was formed to please. There was always a great deal of company in the house, so that we passed our time agreeably in playing at billiards and cards, hunting, walking, reading, and conversation. But my terms of happiness were generally of short duration. In the midst of this felicity I was overtaken by a most severe affliction in the death of my dear hapless infant, who had engrossed a greater share of my tenderness than perhaps I even should have paid to the offspring of a legitimate contract, as the circumstance of her birth would have been an unsurmountable misfortune to her through the whole course of her life, and rendered her absolutely dependent on my love and protection. While I still lamented the untimely fate of this fair blossom, Lord came down and demanded me as his wife. But the suit which I then maintained against him deprived him for the present of a husband's right, and therefore the Duke would not deliver me into his hands. In six months he repeated his visit in demand, and an argument was patched up in consequence of which I consented to live in the same house with him, on condition that he should never desire to sleep with me, or take any other measure to disturb my peace. Otherwise I should be at liberty to leave him again, and entitled to the provision of a separate maintenance. To these articles I assented by the advice of my lawyers, with a view of obtaining the payment of my pin-money, which I had never received since our parting, but subsisted on the sale of my jewels which were very considerable, and had been presented to me with full power of alienation. As to my lover, he had no fortune to support me, and for that reason I was scrupulously cautious of augmenting his expense. We had now enjoyed each other's company for three years, during which our mutual passions had suffered no abatement, nor had my happiness been mixed with any considerable alloy, except that late stroke of providence which I have already mentioned, and the reflection of the sorrow that my conduct had entailed upon my dear father, whom I loved beyond expression, and whom nothing could have compelled me to disablage but a more powerful flame that prevailed over every other consideration. As I was now forced to break off this enchanting correspondence, it is not to be doubted that our parting cost us the most acute sensations of grief and disappointment. However, there was no remedy. I tore myself from his arms, took my leave of the family after having acknowledged my obligations to the Duke, and set out for the place of Rendezvous, where I was met by my Lord, attended by a steward whom he had lately engaged, and who was one chief cause of our future separations. My Lord, having quitted his house in town, conducted me to his lodgings in Paul Mall, and insisted upon sleeping with me the first night. But I refused to gratify his desire on the authority of our agreement. This dispute produced a quarrel, in consequence of which I attempted to leave the house. He endeavouring to prevent my retreat, I fairly locked him in, ran downstairs, and, calling a hackney-coach, made the best of my way into the city to my father's lodgings where I lay, the family being in town, though he himself was in the country. I wrote to him immediately, and when he came to London, declared my intention of separating from my Lord, in which seeing me obstinate and determined, he at length acquiesced, and a formal separation accordingly ensued, which at that time I thought binding and immutable. I was now sheltered under the wings of an indulgent father, who had taken me into favour again, on the supposition that my commerce with Mr. S. was absolutely at an end. Nevertheless, though we had separated, in all appearance, forever, we had previously agreed to maintain our correspondent in private interviews, which should escape the notice of the world, with which I was again obliged to keep some measures. CHAPTER 81 PART 7 OF THE ADVENTURES OF PARAGRIN PICKLE VOL. 2 by Tobias Smollett. This Libervox recording is in the public domain. THE MEMOIRS OF A LADY OF QUALITY. PART 7 Our parting at the Duke of Kaye's house in the country was attended with all the genuine marks of sincere and reciprocal affection, and I lived in the sweet hope of seeing him again in all the transport of his former passion, when my lawyer, who received my letters, got me a billet one night, just as I had gone to bed. Seeing the superscription of S's handwriting, I opened it with all the impatience of an absent lover. But how shall I describe the astonishment and consternation with which I was seized when I perused the contents? Instead of the most tender vows and protestations, this fatal epistle began with, Madam, the best thing you can do is to return to your father, or some cold and killing expression to that effect. Heaven and Earth! What did I feel at this dire conjuncture? The light for sick my eyes, a cold sweat bedewed my limbs, and I was overwhelmed with such a torrent of sorrow and surprise that everybody present believed I would have died under the violent agitation. They endeavored to support my spirits with repeated drafts of strong liquor, which had no sensible effect upon my constitution, though for eight whole years I had drunk nothing stronger than water, and I must have infallibly perished in the first ecstasy of my grief had it not made its way in a fit of tears and exclamation, in which I continued all night to the amazement of the family, whom my condition had alarmed and raised from their repose. My father was the only person who guessed the cause of my affliction. He said he was sure I had received some ill usage in a letter or message from that rascal S, so he termed him in the bitterness of passion. At mention of that name, my agony redoubled to such a degree that all who were present wept at the sight of my deplorable condition. My poor father shed a flood of tears, and conjured me to tell him the cause of my disquiet. On which, rather than confess the truth, I amused his concern by pretending that my lover was ill. The whole family, having stayed by me till I was a little more composed, left me to the care of my maid, who put me into bed about six in the morning, but I enjoyed no rest. I revolved every circumstance of my conduct, endeavouring to find out the cause of this fatal change in S's disposition, and as I could recollect nothing which could justly give offence, concluded that some malicious persons had abused his ears with stories to my prejudice. With this conjecture I got up and sent my lawyer to him with a letter, wherein I insisted upon seeing him that I might have an opportunity of justifying myself in person, a task which would be easily performed as I had never offended but in loving too well. I waited with the most anxious impatience for the return of my messenger, who brought me an answer couched in the coldest terms of civility which indifference could dictate, acknowledging, however, that he had nothing to lay to my charge, but that it was for the good of us both that we should part. He ought to have reflected on that before, not after, I had sacrificed my all for his love. I was well-nigh distracted by this confirmation of his inconstancy, and I wondered to this day how I retained the use of my reason under such circumstances of horror and despair. My grief laid aside all decorum and restraint. I told my father that S was dying, and that I would visit him with all expedition. Startled at the proposal, this careful parent demonstrated the fatal consequence of such an unguarded step, reminded me of the difficulty which he had prevailed upon my mother and uncle to forgive my former imprudence, observed that his intention was to carry me into the country next day in order to affect a perfect reconciliation, but now I was on the brink of forfeiting all pretensions to their regard by committing another fatal error which could not possibly be retrieved, and that for his part, whatever pangs it might cost him, he was resolved to banish me from his sight for ever. While he uttered this declaration, the tears trickled down his cheeks, and he seemed overwhelmed with the keenest sorrow and mortification, so it may be easily conceived what were the impressions of my grief reinforced with the affliction of a father whom I dearly loved, and the consciousness of being the cause of all his disquiet. I was struck dumb with remorse and woe, and when I recovered the use of speech, I told him how sensible I was of his great goodness and humanity, and owned how little I deserved his favour and affection, that the sense of my own unworthiness was one cause of my present distraction, for such was the condition of my fate that I must either see us or die. I said, though I could not expect his forgiveness, I was surely worthy of his compassion, that nothing but the most irresistible passion could have misled me at first from my duty, or tempted me to incur the least degree of his displeasure, that the same fatal influence still prevailed, and would, in all probability, continue to the grave, which was the only abode in which I hoped for peace. While I expressed myself in this manner, my dear good father wept with the most tender sympathy, and saying I might do as I pleased for he had done with me, quitted the room, leaving me to the cruel sensations of my own heart, which almost burst with anguish, upbraiding me with a fault which I could not help committing. I immediately hired a chariot in six, and would have set out by myself had not my father's affection, which all my errors could not aface, provided an attendant. He saw me quite delirious and desperate, and therefore engaged a relation of my own to accompany and take care of me in this rash expedition. During this journey which lasted two days, I felt no remission of grief and anxiety, but underwent the most intolerable sorrow and suspense. At last we arrived at a little house called the Hut on Salisbury Plain, where, in the most frantic agitation, I wrote to S, describing the miserable condition to which I was reduced by his unkindness, and desiring to see him with the most earnest solicitation. This billet I committed to the care of my attendant, and laid strong injunctions upon him to tell Mr. S my injuries were so great, and my despair so violent, that if he did not favour me with a visit, I would go to him, though at his sister's house where he then was. He received my message with great coldness, and told my friend that if I would return to London without insisting upon the interview I demanded, he would in a little time follow me to town, and everything should be amicably adjusted. But when the messenger assured him that I was too much transported with grief to hear of such a proposal, he consented to meet me in the middle of Salisbury Plain, that we might avoid all observation. And though I was little able to walk, I set out for the place of asignation my companion following at a small distance. When I saw him leading his horse down the hill, I collected all my fortitude, and advanced to him with all the speed I could exert. But when I made an effort to speak, my tongue denied its office, and so lively was the expression of unutterable sorrow in my countenance, that his heart, hard as it was, melted at the sight of my sufferings, which he well knew proceeded from the sincerity of my love. At length I recovered the use of speech enough to tell him that I was come to take my leave, and when I would have proceeded my voice failed me again. But after a considerable pause I found means with great difficulty to let him know how sensible I was of my own incapacity to retrieve his lost affections, but that I was willing if possible to retain his esteem, of which could I be assured I would endeavour to compose myself, that I was determined to leave the kingdom because I could not bear the sight of those places where we had been so happy in our mutual love, and that till my departure I hoped he would visit me sometimes that I might, by degrees, wean myself from his company, for I should not be able to survive the shock of being deprived of him all at once. This address may seem very humble to an unconcerned observer, but love will tame the proudest disposition, as plainly appeared in my case, for I had naturally as much spirit or more than the generality of people have. Mr. S. was so much confounded at the manner of my behaviour that he scarce knew what answer to make. Far as he afterwards owned, he expected to hear himself up braided, but he was not proof against my tenderness. After some hesitation, he said he never meant to forsake me entirely, that his affection was still unimpaired, and that he would follow me directly to London. I imposed upon myself and believed what he said, because I could not bear to think of parting with him forever, and returned to town in a more tranquil state of mind than that in which I had left my father, though my heart was far from being at ease, my fears being ingenious enough to foresee that I should never be able to overcome his indifference. I took lodgings at Mount Street, and my maid having disposed of herself in marriage, hired another, who supplied her place very much to my satisfaction. She was a good girl, had a particular attachment to me, and for many years during which she lived in my service was indefatigably assiduous in contributing to my ease, or rather in alleviating my affliction. For though S came up to town according to promise, and renewed a sword of correspondence with me for the space of five months, his complacence would extend no farther, and he gave me to understand that he had determined to go abroad with Mr. V, whom he accordingly accompanied in his invoicing to D. I understood the real cause of this expedition, which not with standing hits oaths and protestations of unabated love and regard. I construed into a palpable mark of dislike and disrespect. Nor could the repeated assurances I received from him in letters mitigate the anguish and mortification that preyed upon my heart. I therefore gave up all hopes of recovering the happiness I had lost. I told him on the eve of his departure, that he might exercise his gallantry a great while before he would meet with my fellow in point of sincerity and love, for I would rather have been a servant in his house with the privilege of seeing him, than the Queen of England, debauched of that pleasure. When he took his leave and went downstairs, I shrunk at every step he made, as if a new wound had been inflicted upon me, and when I heard the door shut behind him, my heart died within me. I had the satisfaction to hear afterwards he lamented the loss of me prodigiously, and that he had never been so happy since. I sat down to write a letter, in which I forgave his indifference, because I knew the affections are altogether involuntary, and wished him all the happiness he deserved. I then walked up and down the room in the most restless anxiety, was put to bed by my maid, rose at six, mounted my horse, and rode forty miles in order to fatigue myself that I might next night enjoy some repose. This exercise I daily underwent for months together, and when it did not answer my purpose, I used to walk round Hyde Park in the evening, where the place was quite solitary and unvisited by any other human creature. In the course of this melancholy perambulation, I was one day accosted by a very great man, who, after the first salutation, asked whether or not my intercourse with Mr. S. was at an end, and if I had any allowance from my husband. To the first of these questions I replied in the affirmative, and to the last answered, that my lord did not allow me a great deal. Indeed, I might have truly said nothing at all, but I was too proud to own my indigence. He then expressed his wonder how one like me, who had been used to splendor and affluence from my cradle, could make shift to live in my present narrow circumstances. And when I told him that I could make a very good shift so I had peace, he seemed to lament my situation, and very kindly invited me to sup with his wife at his house. I accepted the invitation without any apprehension of the consequence, and when I went to the place, was introduced into an apartment magnificently lighted up, I suppose for my reception. After I had stayed alone for some time in this mysterious situation, without seeing a living soul, my inviter appeared, and said he hoped I would not take it amiss that he and I were to sup by ourselves, as he had something to say which could not be so properly communicated before company or servants. I then for the first time perceived his drift to my no small surprise and indignation, and with evident marks of displeasure told him I was sure he had nothing to propose that would be agreeable to my inclination, and that I would immediately leave the house, upon which he gave me to understand that I could not possibly retire because he had sent away my chair and all his servants were disposed to obey his orders. When sensed at this declaration, which I considered as an insult, I answered with an air of resolution, it was very well. I despised his contrivance and was afraid of nothing. Seeing me thus alarmed, he assured me I had no reason to be afraid that he had loved me long and could find no other opportunity of declaring his passion. He said the cue had told him that Lord, hmm, had renewed his addresses to me, and as he understood from my own mouth, my correspondence with S. was absolutely broke off. He thought himself as well entitled as another to my regard. In conclusion he told me that I might command his purse and that he had power enough to bring me into the world again with a clot. To these advances I replied that he was very much mistaken in his opinion of my character if he imagined I was to be won by any temptations of fortune, and very frankly declared that I would rather give myself to a footman than sell myself to a prince. Supper being served we sat down together, but I would neither eat nor drink anything except a little bread and water. For I was an odd whimsical girl, and it came into my head that he might perhaps have mixed something into the vitals or wine which would alter my way of thinking. In short, finding himself baffled in all his endeavours, he permitted me about twelve o'clock to depart in peace, and gave up his suit as a desperate cause. This uncomfortable life did I lead for a whole twelve month, without feeling the least abatement of my melancholy. Finding myself worn to a skeleton, I resumed my former resolution of trying to profit by change of place, and actually went abroad, with no other attendant than my woman, and the utmost indifference for life. My intention was to have gone to the south of France, where I thought I could have subsisted on the little I had left, which amounted to five hundred pounds, until the issue of my lawsuit by which I hoped to obtain some provision from my lord. And without all doubt, my expectation would have been answered, had I put this my plan in execution. Without being at Paris, from whence I proposed to set forward in a few days, I sent to MK, who had been formerly intimate with my father, and showed me many civilities during my first residence in France. This gentleman favoured me with a visit, and when I made him acquainted with my scheme, dissuaded me from it as an uncomfortable determination. He advised me to stay at Paris, where, with good economy, I could live as cheap as in any other place, and enjoy the conversation and countenance of my friends, among which number he declared himself one of the most faithful. He assured me that I should be always welcome to his table, and want for nothing. He promised to recommend me as a lodger to a friend of his, with whom I would live in a frugal and decent manner. And observed that, as the woman was well known and esteemed by all the English company in Paris, it would be the most reputable step I could take considering my youth in situation, to lodge with a creditable person who could answer for my conduct. Thus persuaded, I very simply followed his advice. I say simply, because not withstanding his representations, I soon found my money melt away without any prospect of a fresh supply. In lieu of this, however, I passed my time very agreeably in several English and some French families, where in a little time I became quite intimate, saw a great deal of company, and was treated with the utmost politeness and regard. Yet in the midst of these pleasures, many a melancholy sigh would rise at the remembrance of my beloved S, whom for several years I could not recollect without emotion. The time, company, amusements, and change of place, in a great measure dissipated these ideas, and enabled me to bear my fate with patience and resignation. 8 On my last arrival at Paris I was surrounded by a crowd of professed admirers who sighed and flattered in the usual forms. But besides that my heart was not in a condition to contract new engagements, I was prepossessed against them all, by supposing that they presumed upon the knowledge of my indiscretion with S, and therefore rejected their addresses with detestation and disdain. For, as I have already observed, I was not to be won but by the appearance of esteem, and the most respectful carriage, and though by a false step I had in my own opinion forfeited my title to the one, I was resolved to discourage the advances of any man who seemed deficient in the other. In this manner my lovers were one by one repulsed, almost as soon as they presented themselves, and I preserved the independence of my heart until I became acquainted with a certain peer, whom I often saw at the house of Mrs. P., an English lady then resident at Paris. This young nobleman professed himself deeply enamored of me in a style so different than that of my other admirers, that I heard his protestations without disgust, and though my inclinations were still free, could not find in my heart to discountenance his addresses, which were preferred with the most engaging modesty, disinterestedness, and respect. By these never-failing arts he gradually conquered my indifference, and gained the preference of my esteem from Lord C., and the Prince of C., who were at that time his rivals. But what contributed more than any consideration to his success, was his declaring openly that he would marry me without hesitation as soon as I could obtain a divorce from my present husband, which in all probability might have been easily procured, for, before I left England, Lord, hmm, had offered me five thousand pounds if I would consent to such a mutual release, that he might be at liberty to espouse one Miss W., of Kent, to whom he then made love upon honourable terms. But I was fool enough to refuse his proposal by the advice of S., and whether or not his lordship, finding it impracticable to wed his new mistress, began to make love upon another footing, I know not. But certain it is, the mother forbade him the house, a circumstance which he took so heinously ill, that he appealed to the world in a public advertisement, beginning with, whereas for some time I have passionately loved Miss W., and upon my not complying with the mother's proposals they have turned me out of doors, this is to justify, etc. This declaration, signed with his name, was actually printed in a number of detached advertisements which he ordered to be distributed to the public, and afterwards, being convinced by some of his friends that he had done a very silly thing, he recalled them at half a guinea-piece. A copy of one of them was sent to me at Paris, and I believe my father now has one of the originals in his possession. After this wise vindication of his conduct, he made an attempt to carry off the lady from church by force of arms, but she was rescued by the neighbors headed by her brother, who, being an attorney, had liked to have made his lordship smart severely for this exploit. Meanwhile, my new admirer had made some progress in my heart, and my finances being exhausted, I was reduced to the alternative of returning to Lord H. again, or accepting Earl B.'s love. When my affairs were brought to an issue, I made no hesitation in my choice, putting myself under the protection of a man of honour whom I esteemed, rather than suffer every sort of mortification, from a person who was the object of my abhorrence and contempt. From a mistaken pride, I chose to live in Lord B.'s house, rather than be maintained at his expense in another place. We spent several months agreeably in balls and other diversions, visited Lord B., who lived at a distance of a few leagues from Paris, and stayed some days at his house where the entertainment was, in all respects, delightful, elegant, and refined. Their habitation was the rendezvous of the best company in France, and Lady B., maintained the same superiority in her own sex, for which her Lord is so justly distinguished among the men. About Christmas we set out for England, accompanied by a little North Britain who lived with Lord B. as his companion, and did not at all approve of our correspondence. Whether out of real friendship for his patron, or apprehension that in time I might supersede his own influence with my Lord, I shall not pretend to determine. Be that as it will, the frost was so severe that we were detained ten days at Calais before we could get out of the harbour, and during that time I reflected seriously on what my new lover proposed. As he was very young and unacquainted with the world, I thought my story might have escaped him, and therefore determined to give him a faithful detail of the whole that he might not have anything to reproach me with in the sequel. Besides I did not think it honest to engage him to do more for me than he might afterwards perhaps think I was worth. Accordingly I communicated to him every particular of my life, and the narration, far from altering his sentiments, rather confirmed his good opinion by exhibiting an undoubted proof of my frankness and sincerity. In short he behaved with such generosity as made an absolute conquest of my heart. But my love was of a different kind from that which had formerly reigned within my breast, being founded upon the warmest gratitude and esteem exclusive of any other consideration, though his person was very agreeable, and his address engaging. When we arrived in England I went directly to his country's seat about twelve miles from London, where he soon joined me and we lived some time in perfect retirement. His relations being greatly alarmed with the apprehension that Lord Hum would bring an action against him, though he himself desired nothing more, and lived so easy under that expectation that they soon laid aside their fears on his account. We were visited by Mr. H. B., a relation of my Lord, and one Mr. R., of the Guards, who, with a little Scotchman and my lover, made an agreeable set, among whom I enjoyed hunting in all manner of country diversions. As to Mr. H. B., if ever there was a perfection in one man it centered in him, or at least he, of all the other men I ever knew, approached the nearest to that idea which I had conceived of a perfect character. He was both good and great, possessed an uncommon genius, and the best of hearts. Mr. R. was a very sociable man, had a good person, and cultivated understanding, and my Lord was excessively good humored, so that with such companions no place could be duller and sippid. For my own part I conducted the family, and as I endeavored to please and make everybody happy I had the good fortune to succeed. Mr. B. told me that before he saw me he heard I was a fool, but finding, as he was pleased to say, that I had been egregiously misrepresented, he courted my friendship, and a correspondence commenced between us. Indeed it was impossible for any person to know him without entertaining the utmost esteem and veneration for his virtue. After I had lived some time in this agreeable retreat my husband began to make a bustle. He sent a message demanding me from Lord B. Then came in person, with his nightcap in his pocket, intending to have stayed all night had he been asked, and attended by a relation, whom he assured that I was very fond of him and detained by force from his arms. Finding himself disappointed in his expectations he commenced a lawsuit against Lord B. Though not for a divorce as we desired, I know with a view to reclaim me as his lawful wife. His lawyers, however, attempted to prove criminal conversation in hopes of extorting money from my lover. But their endeavours were altogether fruitless, for no servant of Lord B.'s or mine could with justice say we were ever seen to trespass against modesty and decorum so that the plaintiff was non-suited. While this cause was pending all my lover's friends expressed fear and concern for the issue, while he himself behaved with the utmost resolution, and gave me such convincing proofs of a strong and steady affection, as augmented my gratitude and riveted the ties of my love which was unblemished, faithful, and sincere. Soon after this event I was seized with a violent fit of illness in which I was visited by my father and attended by two physicians, one of whom disparate of my life and took his leave accordingly. But Dr. S., who was the other, persisted in his attendance and in all human appearance saved my life, a circumstance by which he acquired a great share of reputation. Yet notwithstanding all his assistance I was confined to my bed for ten weeks, during which Lord B.'s grief was immoderate, his care and generosity unlimited. While I lay in this extremity Mr. S., penetrated by my melancholy condition which revived his tenderness, begged leave to be admitted to my presence, and Lord B. would have complied with his request had I not been judged too weak to bear the shock of such an interview. My constitution, however, agreeably disappointed my fears, and the fever had no sooner left me than I was removed to a hunting-seat belonging to my lover, from whence after I had recovered my strength we went to B. Castle, where we kept open house. And while we remained at this place, Lord B. received a letter from Lord H. dated in November, challenging him to single combat in May upon the frontiers of France and Flanders. This defiance was sent in consequence of what had passed between them long before my indisposition at a meeting in a certain tavern where they quarreled, and in the fray my lover threw his antagonist under the table. I counseled him to take no notice of this roto-mantade, which I knew was void of all intention of performance, and he was wise enough to follow my advice, resolved, however, should the message be repeated, to take the challenger at his word. Having resided some time at this place, we returned to the other country house which he had left, where Lord B. addicted himself so much to hunting and other male diversions that I began to think he neglected me, and apprised him of my suspicion, assuring him at the same time that I would leave him as soon as my opinion should be confirmed. This declaration had no effect upon his behaviour, which became so remarkably cold that even Mr. R., who lived with us, imagined that his affection was palpably diminished. When I went to town I was usually attended by his cousin, or this gentleman, or both, but seldom favoured with his company. Nay, when I repaired to Bath for the re-establishment of my health he permitted me to go alone, so that I was quite persuaded of his indifference. Even yet I was mistaken in my opinion. But I had been spoiled by the behaviour of my first husband and Mr. S., who never quitted me for the sake of any amusement, and often resisted the calls of the most urgent business rather than part from me, though but for a few hours. I thought every man who loved me truly would act in the same manner, and whether I am right or wrong in my conjectures I leave wiser casuals to judge. Even it is such sacrifice and devotion is the most pleasing proof of an admirer's passion. And Voyumon plus Levant, Enemies d'Onerion, is one of my favourite maxims. A man may give money because he is profuse. He may be violently fond because he is of a sanguine constitution. But if he gives me his time he gives me an unquestionable proof of my being in full possession of his heart. My appearance at Bath without the company of Lord B. occasioned a general surprise, and encouraged the men to pester me with addresses, every new admirer endeavouring to advance his suit by demonstrating the unkind and disrespectful behaviour of his lordship. Indeed, this was the most effectual string they could touch. My pride and resentment were alarmed. I was weak enough to listen to one man who had like to have insinuated himself into my inclinations. He was tall and large boned, with white hair, inclining to what is called sandy, and had the reputation of being handsome, though I think he scarce deserved that epithet. He possessed a large fortune, loved mischief, and stuck it nothing for the accomplishment of his designs, one of his chief pleasures being that of setting any two lovers at variance. He employed his address upon me with great assiduity, and knew so well how to manage my resentment that I was pleased with his manner, heard his vows without disgust, and, in a word, promised to deliberate with myself upon his proposals and give him an account of my determination in writing. Thus resolved I went to Lord B. in Wiltshire, wither I was followed by this pretender to my heart, who visited us on the footing of an acquaintance. But when I reflected on what I had done, I condemned my own conduct as indiscreet, though nothing decisive had passed between us, and began to hate him in proportion to the self-conviction I felt, perceiving that I had involved myself in a difficulty from which I should not be easily disengaged. For the present, however, I found means to postpone my declaration. He admitted my excuse, and I returned to London with Lord B., who was again summoned to the field by his former challenger. H.D.N., Governor, Counselor, and Steward to this little hero, came to Lord B. with a verbal message, importing that his lordship had changed his mind about going to Flanders, but expected to meet him on such a day and hour in the burying-ground near Red Lion Square. Lord B. accepted the challenge, and gave me an account of what had passed. But he had been anticipated by the messenger who had already tried to alarm my fears from the consideration of the consequence that I might take some measures to prevent their meeting. I perceived his drift, and told him plainly that Lord H. had no intention to risk his person, though he endeavoured with all his might to persuade me that his principle was desperate and determined. I knew my little husband too well to think he would bring matters to any dangerous issue, and was apprehensive of nothing but foul play from the villainy of H.D.N., with which I was equally well acquainted. Indeed, I signified my doubts on that score to Mr. B., who would have attended his kinsmen to the field, had he not thought he might be liable to censure if anything should happen to Lord B., because he himself was heir-at-law. For that reason he judiciously declined being personally concerned, and we pitched upon the Earl of A. his lordship's uncle, who willingly undertook the office. Chapter 81 Part 9 of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle, Volume 2 by Tobias Smollett. This liver-box recording is in the public domain. The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality, Part 9 At the appointed time they went to the house of Rendezvous, where they had not waited long when the challenger appeared, in a new pink satin waistcoat which he had put on for the occasion, with his sword under his arm and his steward by him, leaving in a hackney-coach at some distance a surgeon whom he had provided for the care of his person. Thus equipped he advanced to his antagonist and desired him to choose his ground, upon which Lord B. told him that if he must fall it was not material which grave he should tumble over. Our little hero, finding him so jacos and determined, turned to Lord A. and desired to speak with him that he might disburden his conscience before they should begin the work of death. They accordingly went aside, and he gave him to understand that his motive for fighting was Lord B.'s detaining his wife from him by compulsion. The Earl of A. assured him, he was egregiously mistaken in his conjecture, that his nephew used no force or undue influence to keep me in his house, but it could not be expected that he would turn me out of doors. This explanation was altogether satisfactory to Lord H. who said he was far from being so unreasonable as to expect Lord B. would commit such a breach of hospitality, and all he desired was that his wife should be left to her own inclinations. Upon these articles peace was concluded, and they parted without bloodshed. At least these are the particulars of the story as they were related by Lord A, with whom I laughed heartily at the adventure, for I never doubted that the challenger would find some expedient to prevent the duel, though I wondered how he mustered up resolution enough to carry it so far. That he might not, however, give us any more trouble, we resolved to go and enjoy ourselves in France, whether I went by myself in hopes of being soon joined by my lover, who was obliged to stay some time longer in England to settle his affairs. He was so much affected at our parting, though but for a few weeks, that he was almost distracted. And this affliction renewed my tenderness for him, because it was an undoubted proof of his love. I wrote to him every post from France, and as I had no secrets desired him to take care of all the letters that should come to his house directed to me after my departure from England. This was an unfortunate office for him, in the execution of which he chanced to open a letter from Sir T. A, with whom, as I have already observed, I had some correspondence at Bath. I had, according to my promise, given this gentleman a decisive answer, importing that I was determined to remain in my present situation. But as Lord B. was ignorant of my sentiments in that particular, and perceived from the letter that something extraordinary had passed between us, and that I was earnestly solicited to leave him, he was seized with the utmost consternation and concern, and having previously obtained the King's leave to go abroad, set out that very night for France, leaving his affairs in the greatest confusion. Sir T. A, hearing I was gone, without understanding the cause of my departure, took the same route, and both arrived at Dover next day. They heard of each other's motions. Each bribed the master of a packet boat to transport him with expedition, but that, depending upon the wind, both reached Kelly at the same time, though in different vessels. Sir T. sent his valet d'Achambre a post, with a letter in treating me to accompany him to Italy, where he would make me mistress of his whole fortune, and to set out directly for that country, that he might not lose me by the arrival of Lord B., promising to join me on the road, if I would consent to make him happy. I sent his messenger back with an answer, wherein I expressed surprise at his proposals, after having signified my resolution to him before I left England. He was scarce dismissed when I received another letter from Lord B., beseeching me to meet him at Clermont, upon the road from Calais, and conjuring me to avoid the sight of his rival, should he get the start of him in travelling. This however was not likely to be the case, as Lord B. rode post, and the other was, by his corpulence, obliged to travel in a chaise. Yet that I might not increase his anxiety, I left Paris immediately on the receipt of his message, and met him at the appointed place, where he received me with all the agitation of joy and fear, and asked if I had ever encouraged Sir T.A. in his addresses. I very candidly told him the whole transaction, at which he was incensed, but his indignation was soon appeased when I professed my penitence, and assured him that I had totally rejected his rival. Not that I approved of my behaviour to Sir T., who I own was ill-used in this affair, but surely it was more excusable to halt here, than proceed farther in my indiscretion. My lover being satisfied with my declaration, we went together to Paris, being attended by the Scotchman whom I have already mentioned, though I believe he was not over and above well pleased to see matters thus amicably compromised. The furious night followed us to the capital, insisted on seeing me in person, told this North Briton that I was actually engaged to him, wrote every hour, and railed at my perfidious conduct. I took no notice of these delirious transports, which were also disregarded by Lord B., till, one night, he was exasperated by the insinuations of Mr. C., who, I believe, inflamed his jealousy, by hinting a suspicion that I was really in love with his rival. The pass betwixt them I know not, but he sent for me from the opera by a physician of Paris, who was a sort of go-between among us all, and who told me that, if I did not come home in the instant, a duel would be fought on my account. I was very much shocked at this information, but, by being used to alarms from the behaviour of Lord H., I had acquired a pretty good share of resolution, and with great composure entered the room where Lord B. was, with his companion, whom I immediately ordered to withdraw. I then gave his lordship to understand that I was informed of what had passed, and thought myself so much injured by the person who had just quitted the apartment that I would no longer live under the same roof with him. Lord B. raved like a bedlamite, taxing me with one of candour and affection, but I easily justified my own integrity, and gave him such assurances of my love that his jealousy subsided, and his spirits were recomposed. Nevertheless, I insisted upon his dismissing Mr. C., on pain of my leaving the house, as I could not help thinking he had used his endeavours to prejudice me in the opinion of my lord. If his conduct was the result of friendship for his patron, he certainly acted the part of an honest and trusty adherent. But I could not easily forgive him, because a few weeks before he had, by my interest, obtained a considerable addition to his allowance, and even after the steps he had taken to disablage me, I was not so much his enemy, but that I prevailed upon Lord B. to double his salary, that his leaving the family might be no detriment to his fortune. His lordship having complied with my demand, this gentleman, after having stayed three days in the house to prepare for his departure, during which I would not suffer him to be admitted into my presence, made his retreat with a fine young girl who was my companion, and I have never seen him since that time. Sir T. still continued furious, and would not take a denial except from my own mouth, upon which, with the approbation of Lord B., I indulged him with an interview. He entered the apartment with a stern countenance, and told me I had used him ill. I pleaded guilty to the charge, and begged his pardon accordingly. I attempted to reason the case with him, but he would hear no arguments except his own, and even tried to intimidate me with threats, which provoked me to such a degree that I defied his vengeance. I told him that I feared nothing but the report of my own conscience, that though I had acted a simple part, he durst not say there was anything criminal in my conduct, and that, from his present frantic and unjust behavior, I thought myself happy in having escaped him. He swore I was the most inflexible of all creatures, asked if nothing would move me, and when I answered nothing, took his leave and never after persecuted me with his addresses, though I have heard he was vain and false enough to boast of favors, which upon my honor he never received, as he himself at one time, owned to Dr. Cantwell at Paris. While he underwent all this frenzy and distraction upon my account, he was loved with the same violence of passion by a certain Scotch lady of quality, who, when he followed me to France, made him thither with the same eagerness and expedition. Far from being jealous of me as a rival, she used to come to my house, implore my good offices with the object of her love, and laying herself on the floor at full length before the fire, weep and cry like a person bereft of her senses. She bitterly complained that he had never obliged her but once, and begged with the most earnest supplications that I would give her an opportunity of seeing him at my house. But I thought proper to avoid her company as soon as I perceived her intention. We continued at Paris for some time, during which I contracted an acquaintance with the sister of Madame de La Tee. She was the supposed mistress of the Prince of Sea, endowed with a great share of understanding, and loved pleasure to excess, though she maintained her reputation on a respectable footing by living with her husband and mother. This lady, perceiving that I had inspired her lover with a passion, which gave me uneasiness on her account, actually practiced all her eloquence and art in persuading me to listen to his love, for it was a maxim with her to please him at any rate. I was shocked at her indelicate complacence, and rejected the proposal as repugnant to my present engagement, which I held a sacred as an enuptual tie, and much more binding than a forced or unnatural marriage. Upon our return to England we lived in great harmony and peace, and nothing was wanting to my happiness but the one thing to me the most needful. I mean the enchanting tenderness and delightful enthusiasm of love. Lord B.'s heart, I believe, felt the soft impressions, and for my own part I loved him with the most faithful affection. It is not enough to say I wished him well. I had the most delicate, the most genuine esteem for his virtue. I had an intimate regard and anxiety for his interest, and felt for him as if he had been my own son. But still there was a vacancy in my heart. There was not that fervor, that transport, that ecstasy of passion which I had formerly known. My bosom was not filled with the little deity. I could not help recalling to my remembrance the fond, the ravishing moments I had passed with S. Had I understood the conditions of life, those pleasures were happily exchanged for my present situation, because if I was now deprived of those rapturous enjoyments I was also exempted from the cares and anxiety that attended them. But I was generally extravagant in my notions of happiness, and therefore construed my present tranquility into an insipid langer and stagnation of life. While I remained in this inactivity of sentiment, Lord, having received a very considerable addition to his fortune, sent a message to me, promising, that if I would leave Lord B., he would make me a present of a house and furniture where I should live at my ease without being exposed to his visits, except where I should be disposed to receive them. This proposal he made in consequence of what I had always declared, namely, that if he had not reduced me to the necessity of putting myself under the protection of some person or other by depriving me of any other means of subsistence, I should never have given the world the least cause to scandalize my reputation, and that I would withdraw myself from my present independence as soon as he should enable me to live by myself. I was therefore resolved to be as good as my word, and accepted his offer, on condition that I should be wholly at my own disposal, and that he should never enter my door but as a visitant or common friend. These articles being ratified by his word and honor, the value of which I did not then know, a house was furnished according to my directions, and I signified my intention to Lord B., who consented to my removal, with this proviso, that I should continue to see him. I wrote also to his relation Mr. B., who, in his answer, observed that it was too late to advise when I was actually determined. All my friends and acquaintance approved of the scheme, though it was one of the most unjustifiable steps I had ever taken, being a real act of ingratitude to my benefactor, which I soon did and always shall regret and condemn. So little is the world qualified to judge of private affairs. When the time of our parting drew near, Lord B. became gloomy and discontented, and even entreated me to postpone my resolution. But I told him that now everything was prepared for my reception I could not retract without incurring the imputation of folly and extravagance. On the very day of my departure Mr. B. endeavored with all the arguments he could suggest to dissuade me from my purpose, and I made use of the same answer which had satisfied his friend. Finding me determined on removing, he burst out into a flood of tears exclaiming, By God, if Lord B. can bear it, I can't! I was thunderstruck at this expression, for though I had been told that Mr. B. was in love with me, I gave no credit to the report because he had never declared his passion. And this was the first hint of it that ever escaped him in my hearing. I was therefore so much amazed at the circumstances of this abrupt explanation that I could make no answer. But having taken my leave went away, ruminating on the unexpected declaration. Lord B., as I was informed, spoke not a word that whole night, and took my leaving him so much to heart, that two years elapsed before he got the better of his grief. This intelligence I afterwards received from his own mouth, and asked his forgiveness for my unkind retreat, though I shall never be able to obtain my own. As for Mr. B., he was overwhelmed with sorrow, and made such efforts to suppress his concern, as had well nigh cost him his life. Dr. S. was called to him in the middle of the night, and found him almost suffocated. He soon guessed the cause when he understood that I had left the house, so that I myself was the only person concerned who was utterly ignorant of his affection, for I solemnly declare he never gave me the least reason to suspect it while I lived with his relation, because he had too much honor to entertain the thought of supplanting his friend, and too good an opinion of me to believe he should have succeeded in the attempt. Though my love for Lord B. was not so tender and interesting as the passion I had felt for S., my fidelity was inviolable, and I never harbored the most distant thought of any other person till after I had resolved to leave him. When I own, I afforded some small encouragement to the addresses of a new admirer by telling him that I should, in a little time, be my own mistress, though I was not now at my own disposal. End of Chapter 81 Part 9 Chapter 81 Part 10 Of the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle Volume 2 This Libberbox recording is in the public domain. Memoirs of a Lady of Quality Part 10 I enjoyed my new house as a little paradise. It was accommodated with all sorts of conveniences. Everything was new and therefore pleasing, and the whole absolutely at my command. I had the company of a relation, a very good woman, with whom I lived in the most amicable manner. Was visited by the best people in town. I mean those of the male sex, the ladies having long ago forsaken me. I frequented all reputable places of public entertainment, and had a concert at home once a week, so that my days rolled on in happiness and quiet, till all my sweets were embittered by the vexious behavior of my husband, who began to importune me again to live with him. And by the increasing anxiety of Lord B., who, though I still admitted his visits, plainly perceived that I wanted to relinquish his correspondence, this discovery raised such tempests of jealousy and despair within his breast that he kept me in continual alarm. He sent messages to me every hour, signed his letters with his own blood, raved like a man in ecstasy of madness, railed at my ingratitude, and praised my conduct by turns. He offered to sacrifice everything for my love, to leave the kingdom forthwith, and to live with me forever in any part of the world where I should choose to reside. These were generous and tempting proposals, but I was beset with counselors who were not totally disinterested, and who dissuaded me from embracing the proffers of my lover on pretense that Lord, hmm, would be highly injured by my compliance. I listened to their advice and hardened my heart against Lord B.'s sorrow and solicitations. My behavior on this occasion is altogether unaccountable. This was the only time that ever I was a slave to admonition. The condition of Lord B. would have melted any heart but mine, and yet mine was one of the most sensible. He employed his cousin as an advocate with me, till that gentleman actually refused the office, telling him candidly that his own inclinations were too much engaged to permit him to perform the task with fidelity and truth. He accordingly resolved to avoid my presence until my lord and I should come to some final determination, which was greatly retarded by the perseverance of his lordship who would not resign his hopes, even when I pretended that another man had engaged my heart, but said that in time my affection might return. Our correspondence, however, gradually wore off, upon which Mr. B. renewed his visits, and many agreeable and happy hours we passed together. Not that he or any other person whom I now saw succeeded to the privilege of a fortunate lover. I knew he loved me to madness, but I would not gratify his passion any other way than by the most profound esteem and veneration for his virtues, which were altogether amiable and sublime. And I would here draw his character minutely, but it would take up too much time to set forth his merit. The only man living of my acquaintance who resembles him is Lord F., of whom I shall speak in the sequel. About this time I underwent a very interesting change in the situation of my heart. I had sent a message to my old lover S, desiring he would allow my picture, which was in his possession, to be copied, and he now transmitted it to me by my lawyer, whom he directed to ask if I intended to be at the next masquerade. This curiosity had a strange effect upon my spirits. My heart fluttered at the question, and my imagination glowed with a thousand fawn presages. I answered in the affirmative, and we met by accident at the ball. I could not behold him without emotion. When he accosted me, his well-known voice made my heart vibrate like a musical chord when its unison is struck. All the ideas of our past love, which the lapse of time and absence had enfeebled in lulled to sleep, now awoke, and were reinspired by his appearance, so that his artful excuses were easily admitted. I forgave him all that I had suffered on his account, because he was the natural lord of my affection, and our former correspondence was renewed. I thought myself in a new world of bliss in consequence of this reconciliation, the rapture of which continued unimpaired for the space of four months, during which time he was fonder of me if possible than before. He repeated his promise of marriage if we should ever have it in our power. He assured me he had never been happy since he left me, that he believed no woman loved like me. And, indeed, to have a notion of my passion for that man, you must first have loved as I did. But through a strange caprice I broke off the correspondence out of apprehension that he would forsake me again. From his past conduct I dreaded what might happen, and the remembrance of what I had undergone by his inconstancy filled my imagination with such horror that I could not endure the shocking prospect and prematurely plunge myself into the danger rather than endure the terrors of expectation. I remembered that his former attachment began in the season of my prosperity when my fortune was in the zenith and my youth in its prime, and that he had forsaken me in the day of trouble when my life became embarrassed and my circumstances were on the decline. I foresaw nothing but continual persecution from my husband, and feared that once the keener transports of our reconciliation should be over, his affection would sink under the severity of its trial. In consequence of this desertion I received a letter from him, acknowledging that he was rightly served, but that my retreat gave him inexpressible concern. Meanwhile, Lord Hum, continued to act in the character of a fiend, tormenting me with his nauseous importunities. He prevailed upon the Duke of El to employ his influence in persuading me to live with him, assuring his grace, that I had actually promised to give him that proof of my obedience, and that I would come home the sooner for being pressed to compliance by a person of his rank and character. Induced by these representations, the Duke honored me with a visit, and in the course of his exhortations I understood how he had been thus misinformed, upon which I sent for Lord Hum, and in his presence convicted him of the falsehood by communicating to his grace the articles of our last agreement, which he did not think proper to deny. And the Duke, being undeceived, declared that he would not have given me the trouble of vindicating myself had he not been misled by the insincerity of my Lord. Baffled in this attempt, he engaged Mr. H. V., and afterwards my own father, in the same task, and though I still adhered to my first resolution, persisted with such obstinacy in his endeavours to make me unhappy, that I determined to leave the kingdom. Accordingly, after I had spent the evening with him at Randley, I went away about two o'clock in the morning, leaving my companion with directions to restore to my Lord his house, furniture, plate, and everything he had given me since our last accommodation. So far was I upon this occasion, or at any other time of my life, from embezzling any part of his fortune. My friend followed my instructions most punctually, and his Lordship knows and will acknowledge the truth of this assertion. Thus have I explained the true cause of my first expedition to Flanders, whether the world was good-natured enough to say I followed Mr. B. and the whole army, which happened to be sent abroad that summer. Before my departure, I likewise transmitted to Lord B. the dressing-plate, china, and a very considerable settlement of which he had been generous enough to make me a present. This was an instance of my integrity, which I thought due to a man who had laid me under great obligations, and though I lived to be refused a small sum by both him and S., I do not repent of my disinterested behaviour. All the revenge I harbour against the last of these lovers is the desire of having it in my power to do him good. I now found myself adrift in the world again, and very richly deserved the hardships of my condition for indiscretion in leaving Lord B., and entrusting the word of Lord H. without some further security. But I have dearly paid for my imprudence, the more I saw into the character of this man, whom destiny hath appointed my scourge, the more I was determined to avoid his fellowship and communication, for he and I are in point of disposition as opposite as any two principles in nature. In the first place, he is one of the most unsocial beings that ever existed. When I was pleased and happy, he was always out of temper, but if he could find means to overcast and cloud my mirth, though never so innocent, he then discovered signs of uncommon satisfaction and content, because by this disagreeable temper he banished all company from his house. He is extremely weak of understanding, though he possesses a good share of low cunning, which he has so egregiously imposed upon some people that they have actually believed him a good-natured, easy creature, and blamed me because I did not manage him to better purpose. But upon further acquaintance they have always found him obstinate as a mule and capricious as a monkey. Not that he is utterly void of all commendable qualities, he is punctual in paying his debts, liberal when in good humor, and would be well bred were he not subject to fits of absence, during which he is altogether unconversable. But he is proud, naturally suspicious, jealous equally with and without cause, never made a friend, and is an utter stranger to the joys of intimacy. In short, he hangs like a damp upon society, and may be properly called killjoy, an epithet which he has justly acquired. He honored me with constant professions of love, but his conduct is so opposite to my sentiments of that passion, as to have been the prime source of all my misfortunes and affliction. And I have often wished myself the object of his hate, in hopes of profiting by a change in his behavior. Indeed he has not been able to make me more unhappy than I believe he is in his own mind. For he is literally a self-tormenter, who never enjoyed one gleam of satisfaction except at the expense of another's quiet. And yet, with this, I had almost called it diabolical quality, he expects that I should cherish him with all the tenderness of affection. After he has been at pains to incur my aversion, he punishes my disgust by contriving schemes to mortify and perplex me, which have often succeeded so effectually as to endanger my life and constitution. For I have been fretted and frighted into sundry fits of illness, and then I own, I have experienced his care and concern. Over and above the oddities I have mentioned, he is so unsteady in his economy that he is always new-modeling his affairs, and exhausting his fortune by laying out ten pounds in order to save a shilling. He inquires into the character of a servant after he has lived two years in his family, and is so ridiculously stocked with vanity and self-conceit that notwithstanding my assurance before, the whole series of my conduct since our marriage which ought to have convinced him of my dislike, he is still persuaded that at bottom I must admire and be enamored of his agreeable person in accomplishments, and that I would not fail to manifest my love where I not spirited against him by his own relations. Perhaps it might be their interest to forment the misunderstanding betwixt us, but really they gave themselves no trouble about our affairs, and so far as I know them, are a very good sort of people. On the whole, I think I may with justice pronounce my precious Yoke fellow a trifling, teasing, insufferable, inconstant creature. With the little money which remained of what I had received from his lordship for housekeeping, I transported myself to Flanders, and arrived in Ghent a few days after our troops were quartered in that city, which was so much crowded with these new visitants that I should have found it impracticable to procure a lodging had I not been accommodated by Lord B., the Duke of A.'s youngest brother, who very polite me gave me up his own. Here I saw my friend Mr. B., who was overjoyed at my arrival, though jealous of every man in his acquaintance, for he loved me with all the ardour of passion, and I regarded him with all the perfection of friendship, which had he lived in time might have produced love, though that was a fruit which it never brought forth. Notwithstanding his earnest solicitations to the contrary, I stayed but a week in Ghent, from whence I proceeded to Brussels, and fixed my abode in the hotel de Flanders, among an agreeable set of gentlemen and ladies, with whom I spent my time very cheerfully. There was a sort of court in this city, frequented by all the officers who could obtain permission to go thither, and the place in general was gay and agreeable. I was introduced to the best families, and very happy in my acquaintance, for the ladies were polite, good-tempered, and obliging, and treated me with the utmost hospitality and respect. Among others I contracted a friendship with Madame Lake Contessa de Sea, and her two daughters, who were very amiable young ladies, and became intimate with Princess Sea and Countess W., Lady of the Bedchamber to the Queen of Hungary, and a great favourite of the Governor, Monsieur de H., in whose house she lived with his wife, who was also a lady of a very engaging disposition. Soon after I had fixed my habitation in Brussels, the company at our hotel was increased by three officers, who professed themselves my admirers, and came from Ghent with a view of soliciting my love. This triumvirate, consisted of the Scotch Earl of N., Lord R. M., and another young officer. The first was a man of a very gentile figure and amorous complexion, danced well, and had a great deal of good humour with a mixture of vanity and self-conceit. The second had a good face, though a clumsy person, and a very sweet disposition very much adapted for the sentimental passion of love. And the third, Mr. W., by name, was tall, thin, and well-bred, with a great stock of good nature and vivacity. These adventurers began their addresses in general acts of gallantry. That comprehended several of my female friends, with whom we used to engage in parties of pleasure, both in the city and the environs, which are extremely agreeable. When they thought they had taken the preliminary steps of securing themselves in my good opinion and esteem, they agreed to go on without further delay, and that Lord, hmm, should make the first attack upon my heart. He accordingly laid siege to me with such warmth and assiduity that I believed he deceived himself, and began to think he was actually in love. Though at bottom he felt no impulse that deserved the sacred name. Though I discouraged him in the beginning, he persecuted me with his addresses. He always sat by me at dinner, and imparted a thousand trifles and continual whispers, which attracted the notice of the company so much, that I began to fear his behaviour would give rise to some report to my prejudice, and therefore avoided him with the utmost caution. Notwithstanding all my care, however, he found means one night, while my maid who lay in my room went downstairs, to get into my chamber after I was a bed, upon which I started up and told him that if he should approach me I would alarm the house, for I never wanted courage and resolution. Perceiving my displeasure, he kneeled by the bedside, begged I would have pity on his sufferings, and swore I should have carte blanche to the utmost extent of his fortune. To these proposals I made no other reply, but that of protesting I would never speak to him again, if he did not quit my apartment that moment, upon which he thought proper to withdraw, and I never afterwards gave him an opportunity of speaking to me on the same subject, so that in a few weeks he separated himself from our society. Though the ladies of Brussels considered him as my lover, because of all the other officers, he was their greatest favourite. End of Chapter 81 Part 10. His lordship being thus repulsed, Mr. W. took the field, and assailed my heart in a very different manner. He said he knew not how to make love, but was a man of honour, and would keep the secret and so forth. To this cavalier address I answered, that I was not angry as I otherwise should have been at his blunt declaration, because I found, by his own confession, he did not know what was due to the sex, and my unhappy situation in some shape excused him for a liberty which he would not have dreamed of taking, had not my misfortunes encouraged his presumption. But I would deal with him in his own way, and far from assuming the prude, frankly assured him that he was not at all to my taste, hoping he would consider my dislike as a sufficient reason to reject his love. Lord R. began to feel the symptoms of a genuine passion, which he carefully cherished in silence, being naturally diffident and bashful. But by the very means he used to conceal it from my observation, I plainly discerned the situation of his heart, and was not at all displeased at the progress I had made in his inclinations. Meanwhile he cultivated my acquaintance with great assiduity and respect, attended me in all my excursions, and particularly in an expedition to Antwerp with two other gentlemen, where, in downright gayity decor, we sat for our pictures which were drawn in one piece, one of the party being represented in the dress of a hosar, and another in that of a running footman. This incident I mention, because the performance, which is now in my possession, gave birth to a thousand groundless reports circulated in England at our expense. It was immediately after this, John, that Lord R. began to disclose his passion. Though he, at the same time, started such objections as seemed to extinguish his hopes, lamenting that, even if he should have the happiness to engage my affections, his fortune was too inconsiderable to support us against the efforts of Lord, hmm, should he attempt to interrupt our felicity, and that he himself was obliged to follow the motions of the army. In short, he seemed to consider my felicity more than his own, and behaved with such delicacy as gradually made an impression on my heart, so that when we parted, we agreed to renew our correspondence in England. In the midst of these agreeable amusements, which I enjoyed in almost all the different towns of Flanders, I happened to be again one day, sitting among a good deal of company in one of their hotels, when a post-chase stopped at the gate, upon which we went to the windows to satisfy our curiosity, when who should step out of the convenience but my little insignificant Lord? I no sooner announced him to the company than all the gentlemen asked whether they should stay and protect me or withdraw, and when I assured them that their protection was not necessary, one in all of them retired, though Lord R. M. went no farther than the parlor below, being determined to screen me against all violence and compulsion. I sent a message to my Lord, desiring him to walk up into my apartment, but although his sole errand was to see and carry me off, he would not venture to accept my invitation till he had demanded me inform from the Governor of the Place. That gentleman, being altogether a stranger to his person and character, referred him to the commanding officer of the English troops, who was a man of honour, and upon his lordship's application, pretended to doubt his identity, observing that he had always heard Lord H. represented as a jolly corpulent man. He gave him to understand, however, that even granting him to be the person, I was by no means subject to military law unless he could prove that I had ever listed in his Majesty's service. Thus disappointed in his endeavours, he returned to the inn, and with much persuasion, trusted himself in my dining-room, after having stationed his attendance at the door in case of accidents. When I asked what had procured me the honour of this visit, he told me his business and intention were to carry me home. This declaration produced a conference in which I argued the case with him, and matters were accommodated for the present by my promising to be in England sometime in September, on condition that he would permit me to live by myself as before, and immediately order the arrears of my pen money to be paid. He assented to everything I proposed, returned in peace to his own country, and the deficiencies of my allowance were made good. While I returned to Brussels, for I stayed until my departure for England, which I regulated in such a manner as was consistent with my engagement. I took lodgings in Paul Mall, and sending for my Lord convinced him of my punctuality, and put him in mind of his promise, when to my utter astonishment and confusion, he owned that his promise was no more than a decoy to bring me over, and that I must lay my account with living in his house like a dutiful and obedient wife. I heard him with the indignation such treatment deserved, upbraiding him with his profiteous dealing, which I told him would have determined me against cohabitation with him had I not been already resolved, and being destitute of all resource, repaired to Bath, where I afterwards met with Mr. D. and Mr. R., two gentlemen who had been my fellow passengers in the yacht from Flanders, and treated me with great friendship and politeness without either talking or thinking of love. With these gentlemen, who were as idle as myself, I went to the Jubilee at Preston, which was no other than a great number of people assembled in a small town, extremely ill-accommodated, to partake of diversions that were bad imitations of plays, concerts, and masquerades. If the world should place to the account of my indiscretion, my traveling in this manner with gentlemen to whom I had no particular attachment, let it also be considered, as an alleviation, that I always lived in terror of my Lord, and consequently was often obliged to shift my quarters, so that my finances being extremely slender, I stood the more in need of assistance and protection. I was, besides, young, inconsiderate, and so simple as to suppose the figure of an ugly man would always secure me from censure on his account. Neither did I ever dream of any man's addresses, until he made an actual declaration of his love. Upon my return to Bath I was again harassed by Lord Hum, who came thither accompanied by my father, whom I was very glad to see, though he importuned me to comply with my husband's desire, and for the future keep measures with the world. This remonstrance about living with my Lord, which he constantly repeated, was the only instance of his unkindness which I ever felt. But all his admonitions were not of force sufficient to shake my resolution in that particular. Though the debate continued so late that I told his lordship, it was high time to retire, for I could not accommodate him with a bed. He then gave me to understand that he would stay where he was, upon which my father took his leave on pretence of looking out for a lodging for himself. The little gentleman, being now left with me, began to discover some signs of apprehension in his looks, but mustering up all his resolution, he went to the door, called up three of his servants, whom he placed as sentinels upon the stairs, and flounced into my elbow chair, where he resigned himself to rest. Intending to go to bed, I thought it was but just and decent that I should screen myself from the intrusion of his footmen, and with that view bolted the door. Lord, hmm, hearing himself locked in, started up in the utmost terror and consternation, kicked the door with his heel and screamed aloud, as if he had been in the hands of an assassin. My father, who had not yet quitted the house, hearing these outcries ran upstairs again, and coming through my bed-chamber into the dining-room where we were, found me almost suffocated with laughter, and his heroic son-in-law, staring like one who had lost his wits with his hair standing on end. When my father asked the meaning of his exclamations, he told him with all the symptoms of dismay that I had locked him in, and he did not understand such usage. But I explained the whole mystery by saying I had bolted the door because I did not like the company of his servants, and could not imagine the cause of his panic unless he thought I designed to ravish him. An insult, then, which nothing was farther from my intention. My father himself could scarce refrain from laughing at his ridiculous fear. But seeing him in great confusion took pity on his condition and carried him off to his own lodgings after I had given my word that I would not attempt to escape but give him audience next morning. I accordingly kept my promise, and found means to persuade them to leave me at my own discretion. Next day I was rallied upon the stratagem I had contrived to frighten Lord Hum, and a thousand idle stories were told about this adventure, which happened literally as I have related it. From Boff I betook myself to a small house near Lincoln, which I had hired of the D of A, because a country life suited best with my income, which was no more than four hundred pounds a year, and that not well paid. I continued some months in this retirement, and saw no company except Lord R.M., who lived in the neighborhood and visited me twice. Till, finding myself indisposed, I was obliged to remove to London and took lodgings in Medic Street, where my garrison was taken by storm by my Lord Hum and his steward, reinforced by Mr. L.V., who, as my Lord told me, had a subsidy of five and twenty pounds before he would take the field, and a couple of hearty footmen. This formidable band rushed into my apartment, laid violent hands upon me, dragged me downstairs without gloves or a cloak, and thrusting me into a coach that stood at the door conveyed me to my Lord's lodgings in Gloucester Street. Upon this occasion his Lordship courageously drew his sword upon my woman, who attempted to defend me from his insults, and in all probability would have intimidated him from proceeding, for he looked pale and aghast, his knees knocked together, and he breathed thick and hard with his nostrils dilated, as if he had seen a ghost. But he was encouraged by his mercenary associate, who, for the five and twenty pounds, stood by him in the day of trouble, and spirited him on to this gallant enterprise. In consequence of this exploit I was cooped up in a paltry apartment in Gloucester Street, where I was close beset by his Lordship and his worthy steward, Mr. H., with a set of servants that were the creatures of this fellow, of whom my Lord himself stood in awe, so that I could not help thinking myself in Newgate among thieves and ruffians. To such a degree did my terror avail, that I actually believed I was in danger of being poisoned, and would not receive any sustenance, except from the hands of the one harmless looking fellow, a foreigner, who was my Lord's valet de chambre. I would not pretend to say my fears were just, but such was my opinion of H., that I never doubted he would put me out of the way if he thought my life interfered with his interest. On the second day of my imprisonment I was visited by the Duke of L., a friend of my Lord, who found me sitting upon a trunk in a poor little dining-room filled with lumber, and lighted with two bits of tallow-candle which had been left overnight. He perceived in my face a mixture of rage, indignation, terror, and despair. He compassionate my sufferings, though he could not alleviate my distress any other way than by interceding with my tyrant to mitigate my oppression. Nevertheless I remained eleven days in this uncomfortable situation. I was watched like a criminal all day, and one of the servants walked from one room to another all night in the nature of a patrol, while my Lord, who lay in the chamber above me, got out of bed and tripped to the window at the sound of every coach that chanced to pass through the street. H., who was consummate in the arts of a sycophant, began to court my favour by condoling my affliction and assuring me that the only method by which I could regain my liberty was a cheerful compliance with the humour of my Lord. I was fully convinced of the truth of this observation, and though my temper is altogether averse to dissimulation, attempted to affect an air of serenity and resignation. But this disguise, I found, would not answer my purpose, and therefore I had recourse to the assistance of my maid, who was permitted to attend me in my confinement. With her I frequently consulted about the means of accomplishing my escape. In consequence of our deliberations, she directed a coach and six to be ready at a certain part of the town, and to wait for me three days in the same place in case I could not come before the expiration of that term. This previous measure being taken according to my instructions, the next necessary step was to allude the vigilance of my guard, and in this manner did I effectuate my purpose. Being by this time indulged in the liberty of going out in the coach for the benefit of the air, attended by two footmen who had orders to watch all my motions, I made use of this privilege one forenoon when Lord, hm, expected some company to dinner, and bade the coachman to drive to the lodgings of a man who wrote with his mouth, intending to give my spies the slip on pretense of seeing this curiosity. But they were to alert in their duty to be thus outwitted, and followed me upstairs into the very apartment. Disappointed in this hope, I resolved another scheme which was attended with success. I bought some olives and an oil-shop, and telling the servants I would proceed to St. James' Gate and take a turn in the park, broke one of the bottles by the way, complained of the misfortune when I was set down, and desired my coach might be cleaned before my return. While my attendants were employed in this office, I tripped across the parade to the horse-guards, and chanced to meet with an acquaintance in the park, who said he saw by my countenance that I was upon some expedition. I owned his suspicion was just, but as I had not time to relate particulars, I quickened my pace and took possession of a hackney-coach, in which I proceeded to the vehicle I had appointed to be in waiting. While I thus compassed my escape, there was nothing but perplexity and confusion at home. Dinner was delayed till six o'clock. My lord ran half the town over in quest of his equipage, which at last returned with an account of my elopement. My maid was brought to the question, and grievously threatened, but like all the women I ever had, remained unshaken in her fidelity. In the meantime I travelled night and day towards my retreat in Lincolnshire, of which his lordship had not as yet got the least intelligence, and as my coachman was but an inexperienced driver, I was obliged to make use of my own skill in that exercise, and direct his endeavours the whole way, without venturing to go to bed, or take the least repose, until I reached my own habitation. There I lived in peace and tranquility for the space of six weeks, when I was alarmed by one of my lord's mermidons who came into the neighbourhood, blustering and swearing, that he would carry me off, either dead or alive.