 The Jack Benny program transcribed presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike, today. To pick a better cigarette, you don't need sleight of hand. Try Lucky's better taste and then they'll be your favorite brand. Honestly, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. I roamed around the whole wide world from New York to Tibet and I can tell you Lucky strikes the finest cigarette. You'll discover Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike, today. Friends, millions of smokers agree Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. And here's why. You see, fine tobacco and only fine tobacco always gives you that happy blending of perfect mildness and rich true tobacco taste. And LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, Lucky Strike's fine tobacco gives you everything you want in a cigarette. Real mildness, rich taste, complete smoking enjoyment. So if you're not happy with your present brand and a recent 38 city survey shows that millions are not switched to Lucky Strike, every puff will prove Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike, go lucky, strike, go. Remember, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Philaris Rochester, Denison, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Benny is in New York City and in exactly 30 minutes he'll be doing his television show. But let me take you back a few days to Beverly Hills, where we find Jack at home getting ready for the trip. Oh, Rochester. Yes, boss. Rochester will be away 12 days, so I hope you've taken care of all the little details. As usual, I had the gas, electricity, and water turned off, and I left a note for the milkman to stop delivery. Good. What about the evening paper? I left instructions on that too. You did? Yeah. Now when they're through with it, the Coleman's can just throw it away. Maybe you ought to stop barring the Coleman's paper. I got a feeling they're trying to discourage the practice. What, what makes you say that? The last two issues came wrapped around their garbage. Tracy was holding last night was real. Oh, kidding. Now take Rochester, take, take my grips out of the car while I call Miss Livingston. Is Miss Livingston going with us? No, no, but she's feeling much better and she'll be on our next show. It's Miss Livingston's sister I'm picking up. Her sister, babe? Yeah, she's going back to Plainfield on the same train we're taking. I'm going to call her. Hello, Mary. Oh, Pauline. Oh, this is Jack Benny. I didn't recognize your voice. Well, it has been a long time. That's right. Not since New Year's Eve. Oh, you've taken me out since then. Oh, yes, that drive-in movie. What a picture. Yeah, that was the first time I ever saw a picture of that drive-in. You were never there before? I didn't say that. Well, the reason I call, I'm coming by to pick up Babe in my car. Put her on the phone, will you? Okay, it's for you, ma'am. Thank you, Pauline. Hello, hello. Look, mister, get off the party line tonight. Come on, get off. Jack, it's me, Babe. Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. Well, Babe, I just, uh, I just called, Babe, I just called to tell you, I'll pick you up in 15 minutes. Couldn't you make it a half hour? I'm all ready, but I have to put on my lipstick. Why should that take a half hour? Well, it's a special lipstick, and it takes longer to put on. Oh. But it's worth it. I've been using it for 12 years, and it doesn't smear. Oh, is it kiss-proof? Who knows? You read that beautifully. Well, try and hurry. Rochester's getting the car out now. Okay, Jack, I'll rush it. Goodbye. Goodbye. Rochester will pick up Miss Livingston's sister in about 15 minutes. Are we going to pick up Mr. Harris, too? No, he's going with his piano player, Charlie Bagby. I hope they're not late. We'll be on that Super Chief going to New York. We've been on so many trains. Which one is the Super Chief? Well, you ought to remember the Super Chief. That's the one you fell off. No, no, no. That was a Chief. You better wait for laughs, kid. Oh, Bagby, the Chief is the one they threw you off. Or was it the El Capitan? No, the El Capitan is the one they wouldn't let me on. Say, Phil, how much money are you taking long for expenses? I don't know. How come you don't know? I don't know how much money I'm going to take. Alice hasn't given it to me yet. Oh, look, Bagby, you know something you ought to get married to. Me? Yeah, you ought to settle down and give up your bad habits like gambling, staying out half the night and drinking. What are you trying to do, ruin my character? Well, it's too late for your character, but there still may be a fighting chance for your liver. I guess so. You know, Phil, it's too bad Remli couldn't make a trip with us. Yeah, I thought he'd be over that virus by now. Well, it's his own fault. He shivered and shook for three days. Why didn't he call a doctor? Oh, he didn't know it was virus. He thought it was the usual thing. Well, let's see. I wonder if I got everything. Are you taking any books along to read on the train? Books? No, I'm off books. Why? Well, I just finished the one I started last January and I was kind of disappointed in it. What's the matter? Was it dull? No, it was exciting enough, but it was unbelievable. Imagine a giant living in a beanstalk. Look, you borrowed from me. When you're going to give it back. You'll get it back. You'll get it back. I want to look at them pictures again. Now, come on, Bagby. Let's get going, huh? Barry, I kept you waiting, Jack. Oh, that's all right, babe. It gave me a chance to talk to Mary. She feels pretty good now, doesn't she? Yeah, she'll probably be back in your show next week. I hope so. She needs the money. Well, there's the car. Oh, babe, let me help you... Let me help you with your trunk, will you? Thanks. Gee, it's heavy. There. Now, take it easy so it won't fall off your shoulder. Now, steer me to the car. Certainly. Now, watch it. Watch it. Don't laugh. The trunk will fall off. A little to the left, a little to the right. Now, just dump it in the back seat, there. There we are. Now, let's get in the car. Start the motor, Rochester. Yes, sir. Maybe there's some dirt on the spark plug. There must be. There's some beautiful... Turn this spring weather. Start the motor again, Rochester. Yes, sir. Do we have to start and pick up anyone else? No, Phil is coming with Bagby and Dennis is driving down with his mother. Drive away to gold. Yes, mother, the Union station. Well, I hope we don't miss the train. What time is it? It's exactly 1.15. Now it's 1.20. That's the meter. I want you to take good care of yourself while you're in New York. Watch out for pickpockets. Oh, don't worry, mother. I pinned my money to my underwear. I think I learned from Mr. Benny. He drew his underwear? Yeah, when he takes off his shirt, he looks like an artichoke. I can imagine. Now, Dennis, what hotel are you going to stay at in New York? Oh, the one Mr. Benny always takes me to, the Acme Plaza. Oh, by heaven's sakes, Dennis. You don't have to live at that dump just because Mr. Benny stays there. Oh, I like the Acme Plaza, mother. It's such fun. They play a wonderful game every morning. Game? All the guests gather in the lobby and draw straws to see who's first in the bathroom. You know, mother, I'm really excited about going to New York. This time I'm going to visit all my friends. You have friends in New York? Who? Well, there's Branigan, Flanigan, Milligan, Gilligan, Duffy, MacCuffee, Malacca, Mahon, Rafferty, Lafferty, Donnelly, Connelly, Dooley... Please, lady, I only turn around because I recognize your son. He's my favorite singer. Dennis, sing for the nice man. Yes, mother. Oh, driver, you come back here and listen. I'll take the wheel. Light change. You can go now. Why don't you buy a new car? I'll tell you why, baby, because they don't make cars today like they used to. What do you mean? Well, friends, take a simple matter like the steering wheel. Today they make them out of plastic. But the steering wheel on this car is made out of seasoned mahogany with solid steel spokes. Really? Yes! Goodness, St. Rochester, just hand to your driving. Yes, sir. St. Jack, I meant to ask you, who are you having on your television show? Gee, you read that beautifully. Do it again, babe. I want you to get used to radio. Go ahead. St. Jack, I meant to ask you, who are you having on your television show? Well, babe, I managed to get three great guest stars. I'm having Claudette Colbert, Robert Montgomery, and Basil Rathbone. Gee, that's wonderful. How did you get them to appear with you on television? I sent them a telegram and signed it Senator Kefauber. And, you know, babe, on Thursday, I'm going to be on the radio show Suspense. Gee, I'm so t... A blowout. Rochester, aren't you going to fix it? If we stop with those silly things, we'd never get anywhere. Rochester, you'd better stop the car. Jack, I'm afraid we'll be late. Look what time it is. 2.45. That's the meter. Yeah. Turn it off, Rochester. It's only us. We've got plenty of time. Now, stop the car and we'll change the tire. Well, we finally got to the station, babe. Let's go in. Gee, I'm ashamed to go on the train the way I look. Fixing that tire ruined my outfit. There's a little grease on your t-shirt there. In case any of the gang shows up. I'm going to get a couple of magazines. Okay, Jack. Let's see. What magazine should I get? Can I help? Why? It's Mr. B... Sir Kitzel, I didn't know you worked here. I don't. This is my brother's magazine stand. I'm just helping him out, the poor fellow gods. Kind of trouble. Tomorrow, his wife's relatives are coming from the east to visit him. And today, he gets sick with the intentional flu. Sir Kitzel, his flu is intestinal. It's intentional. You should see his relatives. Well, Mr. Kitzel, I'd like to get a couple of magazines. Let's see. I'll take Collier's and Look. Collier's and Look. Here you are. That's seven and eleven for Las Vegas and all points. Mr. Kitzel, these... Mr. Kitzel, roll them. Well, Mr. Kitzel, it was nice seeing you and I hope... Oh, pardon me, clerk, but I'm in a bit of a hurry. Could you... Oh, John. Oh, hello, Jack. I didn't see you. And you didn't recognize me either, Mr. Wilson. Oh, I must apologize, Mr. Kitzel, but I was in a hurry and I wanted to... Me? Me? Me? You don't have to tell what you want. Automatically, I'm reaching to get you some lucky strikes. Well... I've heard you say it so many times that locus are so round, so clean, so fully packed. They're so easy and they're free. Oh, no, Mr. Kitzel, they're not free. They're free and easy on the draw. Oh, excuse me. Thank you. But, Mr. Wilson, I read where a recent survey in 38 cities showed that millions of smokers aren't satisfied with that present brand of cigarettes. Imagine all those people going around unhappy when all they got to do is change to lock your stride. This, to me, is sad. God really is. Here's your lucky strike. Oh, thank you. Take them and be happy. Go lucky, be happy. Go lucky, strike, be happy. Go lucky and thank you for the sale. Poo-lee-poop-poop-poop-poop-poop. Kitzel and Don, Don, excuse me, I better get back to Babe. Did you see, did you see any of our gang? No, did you? Only Don and he was in a hurry. How are you, bud? Long time, no see. Come on, Babe. Who was that? Oh, that's that tout he must have been here for the Santa Anita races. Oh, look, here comes Dennis and his mother. Hello, Mrs. Day. Hello. Your responsibility. I know, I know. And when you get to New York, I want you to take better care of Dennis than you did the last time, called Minsky's. Minsky's? Why, Jack, you didn't take Dennis to a burlase show. Babe, Minsky's happens to be the name of a delicatessen. Isn't that right, Dennis? Yes, sir. See? Oh, Mr. Benny. Yes? Remember that third salami from the inn? Wait a minute, Jack. I want to get some chewing gum. Some chewing gum? I'll get it for you, Babe. You wait right here. See, I mustn't forget to get my ticket validated, too. I'll do it right after. I'm going to buy some chewing gum. Chicklets haven't got a chance. And take bubblegum. Just look at the breeding. The breeding? On a slot machine. Dad, I'm going to get spearmen. OK, it's your dough. I'm going to get some gum on the train. Jackson! You got here in time. What's that you're carrying under your arm? I'm going to get them on the train. Hey, Jackson, by the way, you forgot to get back these tickets. I did? Well, here's mine. I'll get myself another one. I'll see you on the train. Attention, please. Will passengers who just arrived be not? Please get in your taxis or gripping all over the station. Now, here's the ticket window. Oh, pardon me. Are you the ticket clerk here? Yeah. Used to be at Pasadena, but they moved me on account of the freeway. Thank you. Attention, please. I don't have any trouble here. I want a ticket to New York. Return trip? No, one way. Good! Please, sir. I'll go ahead of you. I'm in a hurry. Well, yes. Yes, I guess so. You see, I'm just going on my vacation for three weeks, and I don't want to waste a minute of it. Clerk, will you give me a ticket? Yes, sir. Where to? Oh, I don't care. Any place is all right with me. Well, the next train out is going to Nashville, Tennessee. No, no, I'm not there. I don't want to go back to that state again. Why not? What happened there? Well, I'll tell you. I was dancing with my darling to the Tennessee Wall. A old friend I happened to see. And you introduced him to your loved one? Yes. And while they were waltzing, my friend stole my sweetheart from me. Well, why don't you try to forget? Forget? I remember the night in the Tennessee Wall how much I have lost. Look, mister. You keep out of... I lost my little darling the night they were playing the... You're number one on the hit parade. Out of it. I'm sorry. Well, look, how about a ticket to Banff? Oh, yes, that'll be swell. Oh, you'll enjoy it there. It's very close to Lake Louise. Oh, no, no. I can't go there. Why not? Louise was the name of my little darling. Dancing with the Tennessee Walls with an old friend I... Will you? Attention, please. The following is the city of Los Angeles. Let's have a bit of April 1st fun. No kidding. Luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Most cigarettes look quite alike, but that does not fool me. My luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Men's luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Yes, every puff of every lucky always gives you that perfect blending of real mildness and rich true tobacco taste. For fine tobacco and only fine tobacco makes a cigarette completely enjoyable. And you know, L-S-M-F-T, lucky strike means fine tobacco. So to get everything you want in a cigarette, switch to lucky strike. You'll enjoy the perfect mildness and rich taste that lucky strike and only lucky strike can give you. Yes, be happy, go lucky. Make your next carton lucky strike. You'll agree, luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Be happy, go lucky, go luck. Remember, luckies taste better than any other cigarette. Rochester, I've got to get out on stage to do my television show in 30 seconds. Now hurry up and finish making me up. Boss, I'm just putting a little more babeline on you. Why? Those babelines. Good night, folks. Be sure to hear Dennis Day in a day in the life of Dennis Day. The Jack Benny show is heard by our armed forces overseas through the facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. Transcribed, this is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.