 Chapter 27, Part 1 of Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit by Charles Dickens. Chapter 27, showing that old friends may not only appear with new faces but in false colors, that people are prone to bite and that biters may sometimes be bitten. Mr. Bailey Jr., for the sporting character while of general utility at Togesses, had now regularly set up in life under that name, without troubling himself to obtain from the legislature a direct license in the form of a private bill, which of all kinds in classes of bills is without exception the most unreasonable in its charges. Mr. Bailey Jr., just tall enough to be seen by an inquiring eye gazing indolently at society from beneath the apron of his master's cab, drove slowly up and down Palmall about the hour of noon in waiting for his governor. The horse of distinguished family who had Capricorn for his nephew and cauliflower for his brother, showed himself worthy of his high relations by champing at the bit until his chest was white with foam and rearing like a horse in heraldry. The plated harness and the patent leather glittered in the sun, pedestrians admired. Mr. Bailey was complacent but unmoved. He seemed to say, a barrel, good people, a mere barrel, nothing to what we could do if we chose. And on he went squaring his short green arms outside the apron as if he were hooked on to it by his armpits. Mr. Bailey had a great opinion of brother to cauliflower and estimated his powers highly. But he never told him so. On the contrary, it was his practice in driving that animal to assail him with disrespectful if not injurious expressions as, ah, would you? Did you think it then? Where are you going to now? Oh, you won't, my lad, and similar fragmentary remarks. These, being usually accompanied by a jerk of the rain or a crack of the whip, led to many trials of strength between them and to many contentions for the upper hand, terminating now and then in china shops and other unusual goals, as Mr. Bailey had already hinted to his friend Paul Sweetlepipe. On the present occasion, Mr. Bailey, being in spirits, was more than commonly hired upon his charge in consequence of which that fiery animal confined himself almost entirely to his hind legs in displaying his paces and constantly got himself into positions with reference to the Cabriolet that very much amazed the passengers in the street. But Mr. Bailey, not at all disturbed, had still a shower of pleasantries to bestow on anyone who crossed his path as calling to a full-grown coal-heaver in a wagon who for a moment blocked the way now young and who trusted Jew with the cart. Enquiring of elderly ladies who wanted to cross and ran back again, why they didn't go to the workhouse and get in order to be buried. Tempting boys with friendly words to get up behind and immediately afterwards cutting them down on and the like flashes of a cheerful humor which he would occasionally relieve by going round St. James's Square at a hand gallop and coming slowly into Palm Hall by another entry as if in the interval his pace had been a perfect crawl. It was not until these amusements had been very often repeated and the apple stall at the corner had sustained so many miraculous escapes as to appear impregnable that Mr. Bailey was summoned to the door of a certain house in Palm Hall and turning short obeyed the call and jumped out. It was not until he had held the bridle for some minutes longer every jerk of Cauliflower's brother's head every twitch of Cauliflower's brother's nostril taking him off his legs in the meanwhile that two persons entered the vehicle one of whom took the reins and drove rapidly off. Nor was it until Mr. Bailey had run after it some hundreds of yards in vain that he managed to lift his short leg into the iron step and finally to get his boots upon the little footboard behind. Then indeed he became a sight to see and standing now on one foot and now upon the other now trying to look round the cab on this side now on that and now endeavoring to peep over the top of it as it went dashing in among the carts and coaches was from head to heel Newmarket. The appearance of Mr. Bailey's governor as he drove along fully justified that enthusiastic youth's description of him to the wandering Paul. He had a world of jet black shining hair upon his head upon his cheeks upon his chin upon his upper lip his clothes symmetrically made were of the newest fashion and the costliest kind. Flowers of gold and blue and green and blushing red were on his waistcoat precious chains and jewels sparkled on his breast his fingers clogged with brilliant rings were as unwieldy as summer flies but newly rescued from a honeypot. The daylight mantled in his gleaming hat and boots as in a polished glass and yet though changed his name and changed his outward surface it was TIG though turned and twisted upside down and inside out as great men have been sometimes known to be though no longer Montague TIG but TIG Montague still it was TIG the same satanic gallant military TIG the brass was burnished lacquered newly stamped yet it was the true TIG metal not withstanding. Beside him sat a smiling gentleman of less pretensions and of business looks whom he addressed as David surely not the David of the how shall it be phrased the triumvirate of golden balls not David tapstra at the Lombard's arms yes the very man the secretary's salary David said Mr. Montague the office being now established is eight hundred pounds per annum with his house rent coals and candles free his five and twenty shares he holds of course is that enough David smiled and nodded and coughed behind a little locked portfolio which he carried with an air that proclaimed him to be the secretary in question if that's enough said Montague I will propose it at the board today in my capacity as chairman the secretary smiled again laughed indeed this time and said rubbing his nose slyly with one end of the portfolio it was a capital thought wasn't it what was a capital thought David Mr. Montague inquired the Anglo Bengali titted the secretary the Anglo Bengali disinterested loan and life assurance company is rather a capital concern I hope David said Montague capital indeed cried the secretary with another laugh in one sense in the only important one observed the chairman which is number one David what asked the secretary bursting into another laugh what will be the paid up capital according to the next prospectus a figure of two and as many aughts after it as the printer can get into the same line replied his friend ha ha at this they both laughed the secretary so vehemently that in kicking up his feet he kicked the apron open and nearly startled cauliflower's brother into an oyster shop not to mention Mr. Bailey's receiving such a sudden swing that he held on for a moment quite a young fame by one strap and no legs what a chap you are exclaimed David admiringly when this little alarm had subsided say genius David genius well upon my soul you are a genius then said David I always knew you had the gift of the gab of course but I never believed you were half the man you are how could I I rise with circumstances David that's a point of genius in itself said TIG if you were to lose a hundred pound wager to me at this minute David and were to pay it which is most confoundedly improbable I should rise in a mental point of view directly it is due to Mr. TIG to say that he had really risen with his opportunities and speculating on a grander scale he had become a grander man altogether ha ha! cried the secretary laying his hand with growing familiarity upon the chairman's arm when I look at you and think of your property in Bengal being ha ha ha the half expressed idea seemed no less ludicrous to Mr. TIG than to his friend for he laughed too heartily being, resumed David being amenable your property in Bengal being amenable to all claims upon the company when I look at you and think of that you might tickle me into fits by waving the feather of a pen at me upon my soul you might it's a devilish fine property said TIG Montague to be amenable to any claims the preserve of tigers alone is worth a mint of money David David could only reply in the intervals of his laughter oh what a chap you are and so continued to laugh and hold his sides and wipe his eyes without offering any other observation a capital idea said TIG returning after a time to his companion's first remark no doubt it was a capital idea it was my idea no no it was my idea said David hang it let a man have some credit didn't I say to you that I'd saved a few pounds you said didn't I say to you in opposed TIG that I had come into a few pounds certainly you did return David warmly but that's not the idea who said that if we put the money together we could furnish an office and make a show and who said retorted Mr. TIG that provided we did it on a sufficiently large scale we could furnish an office and make a show without any money at all be rational and just and calm and tell me whose idea was that why there David was obliged to confess you had the advantage of me I admit but I don't put myself on a level with you I only want a little credit in the business all the credit you deserve to have said TIG the plain work of the company David figures books circulars advertisements pens ink and paper ceiling wax and wafers is admirably done by you you are a first-rate groveler I don't dispute it but the ornamental department David the inventive and poetical department is entirely yours said his friend no question of it but with such a swell turnout as this and all the handsome things you've got about you in the life you lead I mean to say it's a precious comfortable department too does it gain the purpose is it Anglo Bengali asked TIG yes said David could you undertake it yourself demanded TIG no said David haha left TIG then be contented with your station and your profits David my fine fellow and bless the day that made us acquainted across the counter of our common uncle for it was a golden day to you it will have been already gathered from the conversation of these worthies that they were embarked in an enterprise of some magnitude in which they addressed the public in general from the strong position of having everything to gain and nothing at all to lose and which based upon this great principle was striving pretty comfortably the Anglo Bengali disinterested loan and life assurance company started into existence one morning not an infant institution but a grown-up company running alone at a great pace and doing business right and left with a branch in a first floor over a tailors at the west end of the town and main offices in a new street in the city comprising the upper part of a spacious house resplendent in stucco and plate glass with wire blinds in all the windows and Anglo Bengali worked into the pattern of every one of them on the doorpost was painted again in large letters offices of the Anglo Bengali disinterested loan and life assurance company and on the door was a large brass plate with the same inscription always kept very bright as courting inquiry staring the city out of countenance office hours on working days and all day long on Sundays and looking bolder than the bank within the offices were newly plastered newly painted, newly papered, newly countered, newly floor clothed, newly tabled, newly chaired newly fitted up in every way with goods that were substantial and expensive and designed like the company to last business look at the green ledgers like strong cricket balls beaten flat the court guides directories day books, almanacs, letter boxes weighing machines for letters rows of fire buckets for dashing out a conflagration in its first spark and saving the immense wealth in notes and bonds belonging to the company look at the iron safes the clock, the office seal in its capacious self security for anything solidity, look at the massive blocks of marble in the chimney pieces and the gorgeous parapet on the top of the house publicity why Anglo-Bengali disinterested loan and life assurance company is painted on the very cold scuttles it is repeated at every turn until the eyes are dazzled with it and the head is giddy it is engraved upon the top of all the letter paper and it makes a scroll work round the seal and it shines out of the porter's buttons and it is repeated 20 times the letter and public notice were in one David Crimple Esquire secretary and resident director takes the liberty of inviting your attention to the accompanying statement of the advantages offered by the Anglo-Bengali disinterested loan and life assurance company and fully proves to you that any connection on your part with that establishment must result in a perpetual Christmas box and constantly increasing bonus to yourself and that nobody can run any risk by the transaction except the office which in its great liberality is pretty sure to lose and this David Crimple Esquire submits to you and the odds are heavy you believe him is the best guarantee that can reasonably be suggested by the board of management for its permanent sensibility this gentleman's name by the way had been originally Crimp but as the word was susceptible of an awkward construction and might be misrepresented he had altered it to Crimple last with all these proofs and confirmations any man should be suspicious of the Anglo-Bengali disinterested loan and life assurance company should doubt in Tiger, Cab or Person, Tig Montague Esquire of Paul Mall and Bengal or any other name in the imaginative list of directors there was a porter on the premises a wonderful creature and a vast red waistcoat and a short-tailed pepper and salt coat who carried more conviction to the minds of skeptics than the whole establishment without him no confidences existed between him and the directorship nobody knew where he had served last no character or explanation had been given or required no questions had been asked on either side this mysterious being relying solely on his figure had applied for the situation and had been instantly engaged on his own terms they were high but he knew doubtless that no man could carry such an extent of waistcoat as himself and felt the full value of his capacity to such an institution when he sat upon a seat erected for him in a corner of the office with his glazed hat hanging on a peg over his head it was impossible to doubt the respectability of the concern it went on doubling itself with every square inch of his red waistcoat until, like the problem of the nails and the horse's shoes the total became enormous people had been known to apply to effect an insurance on their lives for a thousand pounds and looking at him to beg before the form of proposal was filled up that it might be made two and yet he was not a giant his coat was rather small than otherwise the whole charm was in his waistcoat respectability, competence property in Bengali or anywhere else responsibility to any amount on the part of the company that employed him were all expressed in that one garment rival offices had endeavored to lure him away Lombard Street itself had beckoned to him rich companies had whispered be a beetle but he still continued faithful to the Anglo-Bengali whether he was a deep rogue it was impossible to make out but he appeared to believe in the Anglo-Bengali he was grave with imaginary cares of office and having nothing whatever to do and something less to take care of would look as if the pressure of his numerous duties and a sense of the treasure in the company's strong room made him a solemn and a thoughtful man as the cabriolet drove up to the door this officer appeared bare-headed on the pavement crying aloud room for the chairman, room for the chairman if you please much to the admiration of the bystanders who, it is needless to say had their attention directed to the Anglo-Bengali company thenceforth by that means Mr. Tigg leaped gracefully out followed by the managing director who was by this time very distant and respectful and ascended the stairs still preceded by the porter who cried as he went by your leave there by your leave the chairman of the board gentlemen in like manner but in a still more stentorian voice he ushered the chairman through the public office where some humble clients were transacting business into an awful chamber labeled board room the door of which sanctuary immediately closed and screened the great capitalist from vulgar eyes the board room had a turkey carpet in it a sideboard, a portrait of Tigg-Montague-Esquire as chairman a very imposing chair of office garnished with an ivory hammer and a little hand bell and a long table set out in intervals with sheets of blotting paper, fools cap, clean pens and ink stands the chairman having taken his seat with great solemnity the secretary supported him on his right hand and the porter stood bolt up right behind them forming a warm background of waistcoat this was the board everything else being a light-hearted little fiction Bullamy said Mr. Tigg Sir replied the porter let the medical officer know with my compliments that I wish to see him Bullamy cleared his throat and bustled out into the office crying the chairman of the board wishes to see the medical officer by your leave there by your leave he soon returned with the gentlemen in question and at both openings of the board room door at his coming in and at his going out simple clients were seen to stretch their necks and stand upon their toes thirsting to catch the slightest glimpse of that mysterious chamber Jobling my dear friend said Mr. Tigg how are you? Bullamy wait outside crimple don't leave us Jobling my good fellow I am glad to see you and how are you Mr. Montague-A said the medical officer throwing himself luxuriously into an easy chair they were all easy chairs in the board room and taking a handsome gold snuff box from the pocket of his black satin waistcoat how are you? a little worn with business eh? if so rest a little feverish from wine? if so water nothing at all the matter and quite comfortable then take some lunch a very wholesome thing at this time of day to strengthen the gastric juices with lunch Mr. Montague the medical officer he was the same medical officer who had followed poor old Anthony Chuzzlewick to the grave and who had attended Mrs. Gamp's patient at the bull smiled in saying these words and casually added as he brushed some grains of snuff from his shirt frill I always take it myself about this time of day do you know? Bullamy? said the chairman ringing a little bell sir lunch not on my account I hope said the doctor you are very good thank you I'm quite ashamed ha ha if I had been a sharp practitioner Mr. Montague I shouldn't have mentioned it without a fee for you may depend upon it my dear sir that if you don't make a point of taking lunch you'll very soon come under my hands allow me to illustrate this in Mr. Cripple's leg the resident director gave an involuntary start for the doctor and the heat of his demonstration caught it up and laid it across his own as if he were going to take it off then and there in Mr. Cripple's leg you'll observe pursued the doctor turning back his cuffs and spanning the limb with both hands where Mr. Cripple's knee fits into the socket here there is that is to say between the bone and the socket a certain quantity of animal oil what do you pick my leg out for us in Mr. Cripple looking with something of an anxious expression at his limb it's the same with other legs ain't it? never you mind my good sir returned the doctor shaking his head whether it is the same with other legs or not the same but I do mind said David I take a particular case Mr. Montague returned the doctor as illustrating my remark you observe in this portion of Mr. Cripple's leg sir there is a certain amount of animal oil in every one of Mr. Cripple's joints sir there is more or less of the same deposit very good if Mr. Cripple neglects his meals or fails to take his proper quantity of rest that oil wanes and becomes exhausted what is the consequence? Mr. Cripple's bones sink down into their sockets sir and Mr. Cripple becomes a wheezing puny stunted miserable man the doctor let Mr. Cripple's leg fall suddenly as if he were already in that agreeable condition turned down his wristbands again and looked triumphantly at the chairman we know a few secrets of nature in our profession sir said the doctor of course we do we study for that we pass the hall and the college for that and we take our station and society by that it's extraordinary how little is known on these subjects generally where do you suppose now the doctor closed one eye as he leaned back smilingly in his chair and formed a triangle with his hands of which his two thumbs composed the base where do you suppose Mr. Cripple's stomach is Mr. Cripple more agitated than before clapped his hand immediately below his waistcoat not at all cried the doctor not at all quite a popular mistake my good sir you're all together deceived I feel it there when it's out of order that's all I know said Cripple you think you do replied the doctor but science knows better there was a patient of mine once touching one of the many morning rings upon his fingers and slightly bowing his head a gentleman who did me the honor to make a very handsome mention of me in his will in testimony as he was pleased to say of the unremitting zeal talent and attention of my friend and medical attendant John Jobling Esquire MRCS who was so overcome by the idea of having all his life labored under an erroneous view of the locality of this important organ that when I assured him on my professional reputation he was mistaken he burst into tears put out his hand and said Jobling God bless you immediately afterwards he became speechless and was ultimately buried at Brixton by your leave there cried bullamy without by your leave refreshment for the boardroom ha so the doctor jocularly as he rubbed his hands and drew his chair nearer to the table the true life assurance Mr. Montague the best policy in the world my dear sir we should be provident and eat and drink whenever we can eh Mr. Cripple the resident director equi asked rather sulkily as if the gratification of replenishing his stomach had been impaired by the unsettlement of his preconceived opinions in reference to its situation but the appearance of the porter and under porter with a tray no white cloth which being thrown back displayed a pair of cold roast fowls flanked by some potted meats and a cool salad quickly restored his good humor it was enhanced still further by the arrival of a bottle of excellent Madeira and another of champagne and he soon attacked the repast with an appetite scarcely inferior to that of the medical officer end of chapter twenty-seven part one chapter twenty-seven part two of life and adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org life and adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit by Charles Dickens chapter twenty-seven part two the lunch was handsomely served with a profusion of rich glass plate and china which seemed to denote that eating and drinking on a showy scale formed no unimportant item in the business of the Anglo-Bengali directorship as it proceeded the medical officer grew more and more joyous and red faced in so much that every mouthful he ate and every drop of wine he swallowed seemed to impart new luster to his eyes and to light up new sparks in his nose and forehead in certain quarters of the city and its neighborhood Mr. Jobling was, as we have already seen in some measure, a very popular character he had a pretentiously sagacious chin and a pompous voice with a rich huskiness in some of its tones that went directly to the heart like a ray of light shining through the ruddy medium of choice old burgundy his neckerchief and shirt frill were ever of the whitest his clothes of the blackest and sleekest his gold watch chain of the heaviest and his seals of the largest his boots which were always of the brightest creaked as he walked perhaps he could shake his head, rub his hands or warm himself before a fire better than any man alive and he had a peculiar way of smacking his lips and saying ah at intervals while patients detailed their symptoms which inspired great confidence it seemed to express you know what you're going to say better than you do but go on, go on as he talked on all occasions whether he had anything to say or not it was unanimously observed of him that he was full of anecdote and his experience and profit from it were considered for the same reason to be something much too extensive for description his female patients could never praise him too highly and the coldest of his male admirers would always say this for him to their friends but whatever Jobling's professional skill might be and it could not be denied that he had a very high reputation he was one of the most comfortable fellows you ever saw in your life Jobling was for many reasons and not last in the list because his connection lay principally among tradesmen and their families exactly the sort of person whom the Anglo-Bengali company wanted for a medical officer but Jobling was far too knowing to connect himself with the company in any closer ties than as a paid and well paid functionary or to allow his connection to be misunderstood abroad if he could help it hence he always stated the case to an inquiring patient after this manner Why my dear sir with regard to the Anglo-Bengali my information you see is limited very limited I am the medical officer in consideration of a certain monthly payment the laborer is worthy of his hire classical scholar Jobling thinks the patient well read man and I receive it regularly therefore I am bound so far as my own knowledge goes to speak well of the establishment nothing can be fairer than Jobling's conduct thinks the patient who has just paid Jobling's bill himself if you put any question to me my dear friend says the doctor touching the responsibility or capital of the company there I am at fault for I have no head figures and not being a shareholder and delicate of showing any curiosity whatever on the subject delicacy your amiable lady will agree with me I am sure should be one of the first characteristics of a medical man nothing can be finer or more gentlemanly than Jobling's feelings thinks the patient very good my dear sir so the matter stands you don't know Mr. Montague I'm sorry for it gentlemen in every respect property I am told in India house and everything belonging to him beautiful costly furniture on the most elegant and lavish scale and pictures which even in an anatomical point of view are perfection in case you should ever think of doing anything with the company I'll pass you you may depend upon it I can conscientiously report to a healthy subject if I understand any man's constitution it is yours and this little this position has done him more good ma'am says the doctor turning to the patient's wife than if he had swallowed the contents of half the nonsensical bottles in my surgery for they are nonsense to tell the honest truth one half of them are nonsense compared with such a constitution as his Jobling is the most friendly creature I ever met within my life thinks the patient and upon my word and honor I'll consider of it commissioned to you doctor and alone this morning a said cripple looking when they had finished lunch over some papers brought in by the porter well done Jobling my dear friend said long life to you no no nonsense upon my word I have no right to draw the commission said the doctor I haven't really it's picking your pocket I don't recommend anybody here I only say what I know my patients ask me what I know and I tell them what I know he said that's the truth and always was from a boy that is said the doctor filling his glass caution in behalf of other people whether I would repose confidence in this company myself if I had not been paying money elsewhere for many years that's quite another question he tried to look as if there were no doubt about it but feeling that he did it but indifferently changed the theme and praised the wine talking of wine said the doctor one of the finest glasses of light old port I ever drank in my life and that was at a funeral you have not seen anything of of that party Mr. Montague have you handing him a card he is not buried I hope said jig as he took it the honor of his company is not requested if he is haha left the doctor no not quite he was honorably connected with that very occasion though oh said jig smoothing his mustache as he cast his eyes upon the name I recollect no he has not been here the words were on his lips when bullamy entered and presented a card to the medical officer talk of the what's his name observed the doctor rising and he's sure to appear a said why no Mr. Montague you know returned the doctor we will not say that in the present case for this gentleman is very far from it the better retorted jig so much the more adaptable to the Anglo Bengali will let me clear the table and take the things out by the other door Mr. Cripple business shall I introduce him asked jobling I shall be eternally delighted answered jig kissing his hand and smiling sweetly the doctor disappeared into the outer office and immediately returned with Jonas Chezelwit Mr. Montague said jobling allow me my friend Mr. Chezelwit my dear friend our chairman now do you know he added checking himself with infinite policy and looking round with a smile that's a very singular instance of the force of example it really is a very remarkable instance of the force of example I say our chairman why do I say our chairman because he is not my chairman you know I have no connection with the company farther than giving them for a certain fee and reward my poor opinion as a medical man precisely as I may give it any day to Jack Noakes or Tom Styles then why do I say our chairman simply because I hear the phrase constantly repeated about me such as the involuntary operation of the mental faculty and the imitative biped man Mr. Cripple I believe you never take snuff in judicious you should pending these remarks on the part of the doctor and in sonorous pinch with which he followed them up Jonas took a seat at the board as ungainly a man as ever he has been within the reader's knowledge it is too common with all of us but it is especially in the nature of a mean mind to be overawed by fine clothes and fine furniture they had a very decided influence on Jonas now you two gentlemen have business to discuss I know said the doctor and your time is precious so is mine several lives are waiting for me in the next room and I have a round of visits to make after after I have taken them having had the happiness to introduce you to each other I may go about my business goodbye but allow me Mr. Mountain before I go to say this of my friend who sits beside you that gentleman has done more sir repping his snuff box solemnly to reconcile me to human nature than any man alive or dead goodbye with these words jobbling bolted abruptly out of the room and proceeded in his own official department to impress the lives in waiting with a sense of his keen conscientiousness in the discharge of his duty and the great difficulty of getting into the Anglo-Bengali by feeling their pulses looking at their tongues listening at their ribs poking them in the chest and so forth though if he didn't well know beforehand that whatever kind of lives they were the Anglo-Bengali would accept them readily he was far from being the jobbling that his friend considered him and was not the original jobbling but a spurious imitation Mr. Cripple also departed on the business of the morning and Jonas Chuzzlewitt and Tigg were left alone I learned from our friend said Tigg drawing his chair towards Jonas with the winning ease of manner that you have been thinking oh he cod the need no right to say so cried Jonas interrupting didn't tell him my thoughts if he took it into his head that I was coming here for such a such a purpose why that's his look out I don't stand committed by that Jonas said this offensively enough for over and above the habitual distrust of his character it was in his nature to seek to revenge himself on the fine clothes and the fine furniture in exact proportion as he had been unable to withstand their influence if I come here to ask a question and get a document or two to consider of I don't mind myself do anything let's understand that you know said Jonas my dear fellow cried Tigg clapping him on the shoulder I applaud your frankness if men like you and I speak openly at first all possible misunderstanding is avoided why should I disguise what you know so well but what the crowd never dream of we companies are all birds of prey mere birds of prey the only question is whether in serving our own turn we can serve yours too whether in double lining our own nest we can put a single lining into yours oh you're in our secret you're behind the scenes we'll make a merit of dealing plainly with you when we know we can't help it it was remarked on the first introduction of Mr. Jonas into these pages that there is a simplicity of cunning no less than a simplicity of innocence and that in all matters involving a faith in navery he was the most credulous of men if Mr. Tigg had preferred any claim to high and honorable dealing Jonas would have suspected him though he had been a very model of probity but when he gave utterance to Jonas his own thoughts of everything and everybody Jonas began to feel that he was a pleasant fellow and wanted to be talked to freely he changed his position in the chair not for a less awkward but for a more boastful attitude he was telling in his miserable conceit rejoined you ain't a bad man of business Mr. Montague you know how to set about it I will say tut tut said Tigg nodding confidentially and showing his white teeth we are not children Mr. Chuzzlewit we are grown men I hope Jonas assented and said after a short silence first spreading out his legs and sticking one arm of Kimbo to show how perfectly at home he was the truth is and to pose Tigg with another grin it's so like humbug greatly charmed by this Jonas began again the long and the short of it is better muttered Tigg much better that I didn't consider myself very well used by one or two of the old companies in some negotiations I have had with them once had I mean they started objections they had no right to start and put questions they had no right to put married things much too high for my taste as he made these observations he cast down his eyes and looked curiously at the carpet Mr. Tigg looked curiously at him he made so long a pause the Tigg came to the rescue and said in his pleasantest manner take a glass of wine no no return Jonas with a cunning shake of the head none of that thank you no wine over business all very well thank you for me what an old hand you are Mr. Chuzzlewit said Tigg leaning back in his chair and leering at him through his half shut eyes Jonas shook his head again as much as to say you're right there and then resumed jokestly not such an old hand either but that I'd been and got married that's rather green you'll say perhaps it is especially as she's young but one never knows what may happen to these women so I'm thinking it is but fair you know that a man should secure some consolation in case of meeting with such a loss if anything can console him under such heartbreaking circumstances murmured Tigg with his eyes shut up as before exactly return Jonas if anything can now supposing I did it here I should do it cheap I know and easy without bothering her about it which I'd much rather not do for it's just in a woman's way to her head if you talk to her about such things that she's going to die directly so it is cried Tigg kissing his hand in honor of the sex you're quite right sweet silly fluttering little simpletons well said Jonas on that account you know and because offence has been given me in other quarters I wouldn't mind patronizing this company but I want to know what sort of security there is for the companies going on that's the not the truth cried Tigg holding up his jeweled hand don't use that Sunday school expression please the long and the short of it said Jonas the long and the short of it is what's the security the paid up capital my dear sir said Tigg referring to some papers on the table is at this present moment oh I understand all about paid up capitals you know said Jonas you do cried Tigg stopping short I should hope so he turned the papers down again and moving nearer to him said in his ear I know you do I know you do look at me it was not much in Jonas's way to look straight at anybody but thus requested he made shift to take a tolerable survey of the chairman's features the chairman fell back a little to give him the better opportunity you know me he inquired elevating his eyebrows you recollect you've seen me before why I thought I remembered my face when I first came in said Jonas gazing at it but I couldn't call to mind where I had seen it no I don't remember even now was it in the street was it in Pexniff's parlor said Tigg and Pexniff's parlor echoed Jonas fetching a long breath you don't mean when yes cried Tigg when there was a very charming and delightful little family party at which yourself and your respected father assisted well never mind him said Jonas he's dead and there's no help for it dead is he cried Tigg venerable old gentleman is he dead you're very like him Jonas received this compliment with anything but a good grace perhaps because of his own private sentiments in reference to the personal appearance of his deceased parent perhaps because he was not best pleased to find that Montague and Tigg were one that gentleman perceived it putting him familiarly on the sleeve beckoned him to the window from this moment Mr. Montague's jocularity and flow of spirits were remarkable do you find me at all changed since that time he asked speak plainly Jonas looked hard at his waistcoat and jewels and said rather ecad was I at all seedy in those days asked Montague precious seedy said Jonas Mr. Montague pointed down into the street where Bailey and the cab were in attendance neat perhaps dashing do you know who's it is no mine do you like this room it must have cost a lot of money said Jonas you're right mine too why don't you he whispered this and nudged him in the side with his elbow why don't you take premiums instead of paying them that's what a man like you should do join us Jonas stared at him in amazement is that a crowded street asked Montague calling his attention to the multitude without very said Jonas only glancing at it and immediately afterwards looking at him again there are printed calculations said his companion which will tell you pretty nearly how many people will pass up and down that thoroughfare in the course of a day I can tell you how many of them will come in here merely because they find this office here no more about it than they do of the pyramids haha join us you shall come in cheap Jonas looked at him harder and harder I can tell you said taking his ear how many of them will buy annuities effect insurances bring us their money and a hundred shapes and ways force it upon us trust us as if we were the mint yet no no more about us than you do of that crossing sweeper at the corner not so much haha gradually broke into a smile yeah said montague giving him a pleasant thrust in the breast you're too deep for us you dog or I wouldn't have told you dying with me tomorrow in palm all I will said Jonas done cried montague wait a bit take these papers with you and look them over see he said snatching some printed forms from the table be as a little tradesman clerk parson artist author any common thing you like yes said Jonas looking greedily over his shoulder well be wants alone say 50 or a hundred pound perhaps more no matter be proposes self and two securities be is accepted two securities give a bond be assures his own life for double the amount and brings two friends lives also just to patronize the office haha is that a good notion he it's a capital notion cried Jonas but does he really do it do it repeated the chairman be is hard up my good fellow and will do anything don't you see it's my idea it does you honor I'm blessed if it don't said Jonas I think it does reply the chairman and I'm proud to hear you say so be pays the highest lawful interest that ant much interrupted Jonas right quite right retorted and hard it is upon the part of the law that it should be so confoundedly down upon us unfortunate victims when it takes such amazing good interest for itself from all its clients but charity begins at home and justice begins next door well the law being hard upon us we're not exactly soft upon be for besides charging be the regular interest we get bees premium and these friends premiums and we charge be for the bond and whether we accept him or not we charge be for inquiries we keep a man at a pound a week to make him and we charge be a trifle for the secretary and in short my good fellow we stick it into be uphill and down dale and make a devilish comfortable little property out of him haha I drive be and point of fact said tick pointing to the cabriolet and a thoroughbred horse he is haha Jonas enjoyed this joke very much indeed it was quite in his peculiar vein of humor then said TIG Montague we grant annuities in the very lowest and most advantageous terms known in the money market and the old ladies and gentlemen down in the country buy him haha and we pay him too perhaps haha but there's responsibility in that said Jonas looking doubtful I take it all myself said TIG Montague here I am responsible for everything the only responsible person in the establishment haha then there are the life assurances without loans the common policies very profitable very comfortable money down you know repeated every year capital fun but when they begin to fall in observe Jonas it's all very well while the office is young but when the policies begin to die that's what I am thinking of at the first start my dear fellow said Montague to show you correct your judgment is we had a couple of unlucky deaths that brought us down to a grand piano brought you down where I give you my sacred word of honor said TIG Montague that I raised money on every other individual piece of property and was left alone in the world with a grand piano and it was an upright grand too so that I couldn't even sit upon it but my dear fellow we got over it we granted a great many new policies and people allowed to solicitors by the by and got over it in no time whenever they should chance to fall in heavily as you very justly observed they may one of these days then he finished the sentence and so low a whisper that only one disconnected word was audible and that imperfectly but it sounded like bolt while you're as bold as brass said Jonas in the utmost admiration a man can well afford to be as bold as brass my good fellow when he gets gold in exchange cried the chairman with a laugh that shook him from head to foot you'll dine with me tomorrow at what time asked Jonas seven here's my card take the documents I see you'll join us I don't know about that said Jonas there's a good deal to be looked into first you shall look said Montague slapping him on the back into anything and everything you please but you'll join us I am convinced you were made for it below me obedient to the summons and the little bell the waistcoat appeared being charged to show Jonas out it went before and the voice within it cried as usual by your leave there by your leave gentlemen from the board room by your leave Mr. Montague being left alone pounded for some moments and then said raising his voice is nudge it in the office there here he is sir and he promptly entered shutting the boardroom door after him as carefully as if he were about to plot a murder he was the man at a pound a week who made the inquiries it was no virtue or merit in nudge it that he transacted all his Anglo-Bengali business secretly and in the closest confidence for he was born to be a secret he was a short dried up withered old man who seemed to have secreted his very blood for nobody would have given him credit for the possession of six ounces of it in his whole body how he lived was a secret where he lived was a secret and even what he was was a secret in his musty old pocket book he carried counter-dictory cards in some of which he called himself a coal merchant in others a wine merchant in others a commission agent in others a collector a accountant as if he really didn't know the secret himself he was always keeping appointments in the city and the other man never seemed to come he would sit on change for hours looking at everybody who walked in and out and would do the like at Garraways and in other business coffee rooms in some of which he would be occasionally seeing drying a very damp pocket handkerchief before the fire and still looking over his shoulder he was mildewed threadbare shabby always had flu upon his legs and back and kept his linen so secretly buttoning up and wrapping over that he might have had none perhaps he hadn't he carried one stained beaver glove which he dangled before him by the forefinger as he walked or sat but even its fellow was a secret some people said he had been a bankrupt others that he had gone an infant into an ancient chance-resuit which was still depending but it was all a secret he carried bits of ceiling wax in a hieroglyphical old copper seal in his pocket and often secretly indicted letters in corner boxes of the tristing places before mentioned but they never appeared to go to anybody for he would put them into a secret place in his coat and deliver them to himself weeks afterwards very much to his own surprise quite yellow he was that sort of man that if he had died worth a million of money or had died worth tuppence haypenny everybody would have been perfectly satisfied and would have said it was just as they expected and yet he belonged to a class a race peculiar to the city who are secrets as profound to one another as they are to the rest of mankind Mr. Nagit said Montague copying Jonas Chuzzlewitz address upon a piece of paper from the card which was still lying on the table any information about this name I shall be glad to have myself don't you mind what it is any you can scrape together bring me bring it to me Mr. Nagit Nagit put on his spectacles and read the name attentively then looked at the chairman over his glasses and bowed then took them off and put them in their case and then put the case in his pocket when he had done so he looked without his spectacles at the paper as it lay before him and at the same time produced his pocketbook from somewhere about the middle of his spine large as it was it was very full of documents but he found a place for this one and having clasped it carefully passed it by a kind of solemn ledger main into the same region as before he withdrew with another bow and without a word opening the door no wider than was sufficient for his passage out opening it as carefully as before the chairman of the board employed the rest of the morning in affixing his sign manual of gracious acceptance to various new proposals of annuity purchase and assurance the company was looking up for they flowed in gaily end of chapter 27 chapter 28 of life and adventures of martin chuzzlewit this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the screen for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org life and adventures of martin chuzzlewit by Charles Dickens chapter 28 Mr. Montague at home and Mr. Jonas Chuzzlewit at home there were many powerful reasons for Jonas Chuzzlewit being strongly prepossessed in favor of the scheme which its great originator had so boldly laid open to him but three among them stood prominently forward firstly there was money to be made by it secondly the money had the peculiar charm of being sagaciously obtained at other people's cost thirdly it involved much outward show of homage and distinction aboard being an awful institution in its own sphere and a director a mighty man to make a swinging profit have a lot of chaps to order about a regular good society by one in the same means and them so easy to one's hand ain't such a bad look out thought Jonas the latter considerations were only second to his avarice for conscious that there was nothing in his person conduct character or accomplishments to command respect he was greedy of power and was in his heart as much a tyrant as any laurel conqueror on record but he determined to proceed with caution and to be very keen on his observation of the gentility of Mr. Montague's private establishment for it no more occurred to this shallow naïve that Montague wanted him to be so or he wouldn't have invited him while his decision was yet in abeyance then the possibility of that genius being able to overreach him in any way pierced through his self-deceit by the inlet of a needle's point he had said in the outset that Jonas was too sharp for him to believe in Jonas who would have been sharp enough to believe him in nothing else though he had solemnly sworn it believed him in that instantly it was with a faltering hand and yet with an imbecile attempt at a swagger that he knocked at his new friend's door in Palmall when the appointed hour arrived Mr. Bailey quickly answered to the summons he was not proud and was kindly disposed to take notice of Jonas Mr. Montague at home I should hope he was at home and waiting dinner too said Bailey with the ease of an old acquaintance will you take your hat up along with you or leave it here Mr. Jonas preferred leaving it there the hold name I suppose said Bailey with a grin Mr. Jonas stared at him in mute indignation what don't you remember hold mother Todgers's said Mr. Bailey with his favorite action of the knees don't you remember my taking your name up to the young ladies when you came according there a regular scaly old shop weren't it times has changed ain't they I say how you've grown without pausing for any acknowledgement of this compliment he ushered the visitor upstairs and having announced him retired with a private wink the lower story of the house was occupied by a wealthy tradesman but Mr. Montague had all the and splendid lodging it was the room in which he received Jonas was a spacious and elegant apartment furnished with extreme magnificence decorated with pictures copies from the antique in alabaster and marble china vases lofty mirrors crimson hangings of the richest silk gilded carvings luxurious couches glistening cabinets inlaid with precious woods costly toys of every sort with language and abundance the only guests besides Jonas were the doctor the resident director and two other gentlemen whom Montague presented in due form my dear friend I am delighted to see you jobling you know I believe I think so said the doctor pleasantly as he stepped out of the circle to shake hands I trust I have the honor I hope so my dear sir I see you well quite well that's well Mr. Wolf said Montague as soon as the doctor would allow him to introduce the two others Mr. Chuzzlewit Mr. Pip Mr. Chuzzlewit both gentlemen were exceedingly happy to have the honor of making Mr. Chuzzlewit's acquaintance the doctor drew Jonas a little apart and whispered behind his hand men of the world my dear sir men of the world Mr. Wolf literary character you needn't mention it remarkably clever weekly paper clever Mr. Pip theatrical man capital man to know oh capital man well said Wolf folding his arms and resuming a conversation which the arrival of Jonas had interrupted and what did Lord Nobley say to that why returned Pip with an oath he didn't know what to say same sir if he wasn't as mute as a poker but you know what a good fellow Nobley is the best fellow in the world cried Wolf it was only last week that Nobley said to me by Gad Wolf I've got a living to bestow and if you had but been brought up at the university strike me blind if I wouldn't have made a portion of you just like him said Pip with another oath and he'd have done it not a doubt of it said Wolf but you were going to tell us oh yes cried Pip to be sure so I was at first he was dumb sewn up dead sir but after a minute he said to the Duke here's Pip ask Pip Pip's our mutual friend ask Pip he knows Dammy said the Duke I appealed to Pip then come Pip Bandy or not Bandy speak out Bandy your grace by the Lord Harry said I ha ha laughed the Duke to be sure she is Bravo Pip well said Pip I wish I may die if you're not a Trump Pip pop me down among your fashionable visitors whenever I'm in town Pip and so I do to this day the conclusion of this story gave immense satisfaction which was in no degree lessened by the announcement of dinner Jonas repaired to the dining room along with his distinguished toast and took his seat at the board between that individual and his friend the doctor the rest fell into their places like men who were well accustomed to the house and dinner was done full justice to by all parties it was as good a one as money or credit no matter which could produce the dishes wines and fruits were of the choices kind everything was elegantly served the plate was gorgeous Mr. Jonas was in the midst of a calculation of the value of this item alone when his host disturbed him a glass of wine oh said Jonas who had had several glasses already as much of that as you like it's too good to refuse well said Mr. Chuzzlewit cried wolf Tom gag upon my soul said Pip positively you know that's ha ha ha observed the doctor laying down his knife and fork for one instant and then going to work again palmel that's epigrammatic quite you're tolerably comfortable I hope said TIG apart to Jonas oh you needn't trouble your head about me he replied famous I thought it best not to have a party said TIG you feel that why what do you call this retorted Jonas you don't mean to say you do this every day do you my dear fellow said Montague shrugging his shoulders every day of my life when I dine at home this is my common style it was of no use having anything uncommon for you you'd have seen through it you'll have a party said crimple no I won't I said he shall take us in the rough I'm pretty smooth to he cod said Jonas glancing round the table this don't cost a trifle why to be candid with you it does not return to the other but I like this sort of thing it's the way I spend my money Jonas thrust his tongue into his cheek and said was it when you join us you won't get rid of your share of the profits in the same way said TIG quite different retorted Jonas well and you're right said TIG was friendly candor you needn't it's not necessary one of a company must do it to hold the connection together but as I take a pleasure in it that's my department you don't mind dining expensively other man's expense I hope not a bit said Jonas then I hope you'll often dine with me ah said Jonas I don't mind on the contrary and I'll never attempt to talk business to you over wine I take my oath said TIG oh deep deep deep of you this morning I must tell him that they're the very men to enjoy it pit my good fellow I have a splendid little trait to tell you of my friend Chuzzlewit who is the deepest dog I know I give you my sacred word of honor he is the deepest dog I know pip pip swore a frightful oath that he was sure of it already and the anecdote being told was received with loud applause as an incontestable proof of Mr. Jonas's greatness pip in a natural spirit of emulation then related some instances of his own depth and wolf not to be left behind recited the leading points of one or two vastly humorous articles in preparing these lucrobations being of what he called a warm complexion were highly approved and all the company agreed that they were full of point men of the world my dear sir jobbling whispered to Jonas thorough men of the world to a professional person like myself it's quite refreshing to come into this kind of society it's not only agreeable and nothing can be more agreeable but it's philosophically improving it's character my dear sir character it is so pleasant to find real merit appreciated whatever its particular walk in life may be that the general harmony of the company was doubtless much promoted by their knowing that the two men of the world were held in great esteem by the upper classes of society and by the gallant defenders of their country in the army and navy but particularly the former the least of their stories had a kernel in it lords were as plentiful and even the blood royal ran in the muddy channel of their personal recollections mr. chousel whit didn't know him I'm afraid said wolf in reference to a certain person age of illustrious descent who had previously figured in a reminiscence no said tig but we must bring him into contact with this sort of fellows he was very fond of literature observed wolf was he said tig oh yes he took my paper regularly for many years do you know he said some good things now and then he asked a certain viscount who's a friend of mine pip knows him what's the editor's name what's the editor's name wolf wolf a sharp biter wolf we must keep the wolf from the door as the proverb says it was very well and being complimentary I printed it but the viscounts the boy cried pip who invented a new oath for the introduction of everything he said the viscounts the boy came into our place one night to take her home rather slewed but not much and said where's pip I want to see pip produce pip what's the raw my lord Shakespeare's an infernal humbug pip what's the good of Shakespeare pip I never read him what the devil is it all about pip there's a lot of feet in Shakespeare's verse but there aren't any legs worth mentioning in Shakespeare's plays are there pip Juliet Desdemona lady Macbeth whatever their names are might as well have no legs at all for anything the audience know about it pip why in that respect they're all misbiphons to the audience pip I'll tell you what it is what the people call dramatic poetry is a collection of sermons do I go to the theater to be lectured no pip if I wanted that I'd go to church what's the legitimate object of the drama pip human nature what are legs human nature then let us have plenty of leg pieces pip and I'll stand by you my buck and I am proud to say added pip that he did stand by me handsomely the conversation now becoming general Mr. Jonas's opinion was requested on this subject and as it was in full accordance with the sentiments of Mr. Pip that gentleman was extremely gratified indeed both himself and wolf had so much in common with Jonas that they became very amicable and between their increasing friendship with the volumes of wine Jonas grew talkative it does not follow in the case of such a person that the more talkative he becomes the more agreeable he is on the contrary his merits showed a most advantage perhaps in silence having no means as he thought of putting himself on an equality with the rest but by the assertion of that depth and sharpness on which he had been complimented Jonas exhibited that faculty to the utmost and was so deep and sharp that he lost himself in his own profundity and cut his fingers with his own edge tools it was especially in his way and character to exhibit his quality at his entertainer's expense and while he drank of his sparkling wines and partook of his monstrous profusion to ridicule the extravagance which had set such costly fare before him even at such a wanton board and in such more than doubtful company this might have proved a disagreeable experiment but the tig and crimple studying to understand their man thoroughly gave him what license he chose knowing that the more he took the better for their purpose and thus while the blundering cheat gulfin he was for all his cunning thought himself rolled up hedgehog fashion with his sharpest points towards them he was in fact betraying all his vulnerable parts to their unwinking watchfulness whether the two gentlemen so much to the doctor's philosophical knowledge by the way the doctor slipped off quietly after swallowing his usual amount of wine had had their cue distinctly from the host or took it from what they saw and heard they acted their parts very well they solicited the honor of Jonas's better queens trusted that they would have the pleasure of introducing him into that elevated society in which he was so well qualified to shine and informed him in a friendly manner that the advantages of their respective establishments were entirely at his control in a word they said be one of us and Jonas said he was infinitely obliged to them and he would be adding within himself that so long as they stood treat there was nothing he would like better after coffee which was served in the drawing room there was a short interval mainly sustained by pip and wolf of conversation strongly seasoned when it flagged Jonas took it up and showed considerable humor in appraising the furniture inquiring whether such an article was paid for what it had originally cost and the like in all of this he was as he considered desperately hard on Montague and very demonstrative of his own brilliant parts some champagne punch gave a new though temporary Philip to the entertainments of the evening for after leading to some noisy proceedings which were not intelligible it ended in the unsteady departure of the two gentlemen of the world and the slumber of Mr. Jonas upon one of the sofas as he could not be made to understand where he was Mr. Bailey received orders to call a hackney coach and take him home which that young gentleman roused himself from an uneasy sleep in the hall to do it being now almost three o'clock in the morning as he hooked do you think whispered Trimple as himself and partner stood in a distant part of the room observing him as he lay I said jig in the same tone with a strong iron perhaps has Nadjit been here tonight yes I went out to him hearing you had company he went away why did he do that he said he would come back early in the morning before you were out of bed tell them to be sure and send him up to my bedside hush here's the boy now Mr. Bailey take this gentleman home and see him safely in hello there why chuzzle wit hello they got him upright with some difficulty and assisted him downstairs where they put his hat upon his head and tumbled him into the coach Mr. Bailey having shut him in mounted the box beside the coachman and smoked his cigar with an air of particular satisfaction the undertaking in which he was engaged having a free and sporting character about it which was quite congenial to his taste arriving in due time at the house in the city Mr. Bailey jumped down and expressed the lively nature of his feelings in a knock the like of which had probably not been heard in that quarter since the great fire of London going out into the road to observe the effect of this feat he saw that a dim light previously visible at an upper window had been already removed and was traveling downstairs to gain a foreknowledge of the bearer of this taper Mr. Bailey skipped back to the door again and put his eye to the keyhole it was the merry one herself but sadly strangely altered so care-worn and dejected so faltering and full of fear so fallen, humbled, broken that to have seen her quiet in her coffin would have been a less surprise she set the light upon a bracket in the hall and laid her hand upon her heart upon her eyes, upon her burning head then she came on towards the door with such a wild and hurried step that Mr. Bailey lost his self-possession and still had his eye where the keyhole had been when she opened it aha! said Mr. Bailey with an effort there you are, are you? what's the matter? ain't you well, though? in the midst of her astonishment as she recognized him in his altered dress so much of her old smile on her face that Bailey was glad but next moment he was sorry again for he saw tears standing in her poor, dim eyes don't be frightened, said Bailey there ain't nothing the matter I brought home Mr. Chuzzlewit he ain't ill, he's only a little swipey, you know Mr. Bailey reeled in his boots to express intoxication have you come for Mrs. Todgers's? asked Mary, trembling Todgers's, bless you, no cried Mr. Bailey, I haven't got nothing to do with Todgers's I cut that connection long ago he's been a dining with my governor at the West End didn't you know he was coming to see us? no, she said faintly oh yes, we're heavy swells too and so I tell you don't you come out of catching cold in your head, I'll wake him Mr. Bailey expressing in his demeanor a perfect confidence that he could carry him in with ease if necessary open to the coach door let down the steps and giving Jonas a shake, cried we've got home my flower, tumble up then he was so far recovered as to be able to respond to this appeal and to come stumbling out of the coach in a heap to the great hazard of Mr. Bailey's person when he got upon the pavement Mr. Bailey first butted at him in front and then dexterously propped him up behind and having steadied him by these means you go up first with the light said Bailey to Mrs. Jonas and will follow, don't tremble so he won't hurt you when I've had a drop too much I'm full of goodnater myself she went on before and her husband and Bailey by dint of tumbling over each other and knocking themselves about got at last into the sitting room above stairs where Jonas staggered into a seat there, said Mr. Bailey Lord bless you, he's righter than a trivet the ill-favored brute with dress awry and sodden face and rumpled hair sat blinking and drooping and rolling his idiotic eyes about until becoming conscious by degrees he recognized his wife and shook his fist at her ah, cried Mr. Bailey squaring his arms with a sudden emotion what, you're vicious are you would you though, you'd better not pray go away, said Mary Bailey my good boy, go home Jonas, she said timidly laying her hand upon his shoulder and bending her head down over him Jonas look at her, cried Jonas pushing her off with his extended arm look here, look at her here's a bargain for a man dear Jonas dear devil, he replied with a fierce gesture you're a pretty clogged to be tied to a man for life you mulling white-faced cat get out of my sight I know you don't mean it Jonas, you wouldn't say it if you were sober with affected gayities she gave Bailey a piece of money and again implored him to be gone her entreaty was so earnest that the boy had not the heart to stay there but he stopped at the bottom of the stairs and listened I wouldn't say it if I was sober retorted Jonas, you know better have I never said it when I was sober often indeed she answered Harky, cried Jonas stamping his foot upon the ground you made me bear your pretty humors once and he caught all make you bear mine now I always promised myself I would I married you that I might I'll know who's master and who's slave heaven knows I am obedient said the sobbing girl much more so than I ever thought to be Jonas laughed in his drunken exaltation what? you're finding it out, are you? patience and you will in time griffons have claws my girl there's not a pretty slight you ever put upon me nor a pretty trick you ever played me nor a pretty insolence you ever showed me that I won't pay back a hundred fold what else did I marry you for you too he said with coarse contempt it might have softened him indeed it might to hear her turn a little fragment of a song he used to say he liked trying with a heart so full to win him back oh oh he said you're deaf are you you don't hear me so much to better for you I hate you I hate myself having been full enough to strap a pack upon my back for the pleasure of treading on it whenever I choose why things have opened to me now so that I might marry almost where I like but I wouldn't I'd keep single I ought to be single among the friends I know instead of that here I am tied like a log to you why do you show your pale face when I come home am I never to forget you how late it is she said cheerfully opening the shutter after an interval of silence broad day Jonas broad day or black night what do I care was the kind rejoined her the night passed quickly too I don't mind sitting up at all sit up for me again if you dare growl Jonas I was reading she proceeded all night long I began when you went out until you came home again the strangest story Jonas and true the book says I'll tell it you tomorrow true was it said Jonas doggedly so the book says was there anything in it about a man being determined to conquer his wife break her spirit bend her temper crush all her humors like so many nut shells killer for ought I know said Jonas no not a word she answered quickly returned that'll be a true story though before long for all the book says nothing about it it's a lying book I see a fit book for a lying reader but you're deaf I forgot that there was another interval of silence and the boy was stealing away when he heard her footsteps on the floor and stopped she went up to him as it seemed and spoke lovingly saying that she would defer to him in everything and would consult his wishes and obey them and they might be very happy if he would be gentle with her he answered with an implication and not with a blow yes stern truth against the base sold villain with a blow no angry cries no loud reproaches even her weeping in her sobs was stifled by her clinging round him she only said repeating it in agony of heart how could he could he could he and lost utterance in tears the moment God beloved in old Jerusalem the best among us need deal lightly with thy faults if only for the punishment thy nature will endure in bearing heavy evidence against us on the day of judgment end of chapter 28 chapter 29 of life and adventures of Martin Cheslowit this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org life and adventures of Martin Cheslowit by Charles Dickens chapter 29 in which some people are precocious others professional and others mysterious all in their several ways it may have been the restless remembrance of what he had seen and heard overnight or it may have been no deeper mental operation than the discovery that he had nothing to do which caused Mr. Bailey on the following afternoon to feel particularly disposed for agreeable society and prompted him to pay a visit to his friend Paul Sweetlepipe on the little bell giving clamorous notice of a visitor's approach for Mr. Bailey came in at the door with a lunge to get as much sound out of the bell as possible Paul Sweetlepipe desisted from the contemplation of a favorite owl and gave his young friend hearty welcome while you look smarter by day said Paul than you do by candlelight I never see such a tight young dasher reither so Polly how's our fair friend Sarah oh she's pretty well said Paul she's at home there's the remains of a fine woman about Sarah Paul observed Mr. Bailey with gentile indifference oh thought Paul he's old he must be very old too much crumb you know said Mr. Bailey too fat Paul but there's many worse at her time of life the very owls opening his eyes thought Paul I don't wonder at it in a bird of his opinions he happened to have been sharpening his razors which were lying open in a row while a huge strap dangled from the wall glancing at these preparations Mr. Bailey stroke his chin and a thought appeared to occur to him Paul he said I ain't as neat as I could wish about the gills being here I may as well have a better chance of getting it trimmed close the barber stood aghast but Mr. Bailey divested himself of his neck cloth and sat down in the easy shaving chair with all the dignity and confidence in life there was no resisting his manner the evidence of sight and touch became as nothing his chin was as smooth as a new laid egg or a scraped Dutch cheese but Paul's sweetle pipe wouldn't have ventured to deny on affidavit that he had the beard of a Jewish rabbi go with the grain Paul all round please said Mr. Bailey screwing up his face for the reception of the lather you may do what you like with the bits of whisker I don't care for him the meek little barber stood gazing at him with the brush and soap dish in his hand stirring them round and round in a ludicrous uncertainty as if he were disabled by some fascination from beginning at last he made a dash at Mr. Bailey's cheek then he stopped again as if the ghost of a beard had suddenly receded from his touch but receiving mild encouragement from Mr. Bailey in the form of an adoration to go in and win he lathered him bountifully Mr. Bailey smiled through the suds in his satisfaction gently over the stones Paul go with tiptoe over the pimples Paul's sweetle pipe obeyed and scraped the lather off again with particular care Mr. Bailey squinted at every successive dab as it was deposited on a cloth on his left shoulder and seamed with a microscopic eye to detect some bristles in it for he murmured more than once rather redder than I could wish Paul the operation being concluded Paul fell back and stared at him again while Mr. Bailey wiping his face on the jack towel remarked that after eight hours nothing freshened up a man so much as an easy shave he was in the act of tying his cravat at the glass and Paul had wiped his razor ready for the next customer when Mrs. Gamp coming downstairs looked in at the shop door to give the barber neighborly good day feeling for her unfortunate situation and having conceived a regard for himself which was not in the nature of things that he could return Mr. Bailey hastened to soothe her with words of kindness hello he said Sarah I needn't ask you how you've been this long time for you're all a blown in a growing ain't she Polly why draft the bragging boldness of that boy cried Mrs. Gamp though not displeased what an imperant young sparrow it is I wouldn't be that creeders mother not for fifty pound Mr. Bailey regarded this as a delicate confession of her attachment and a hint that no pecuniary gain could recompense her for its being rendered hopeless he felt flattered disinterested affection always flattering ah dear when Mrs. Gamp sinking into the shaving chair that their blessed bull Mr. sweetle pipe has done his very best to conquer me of all the trying in villages in this valley of the shatter that won't be some black and blue it was the practice of Mrs. Gamp and her friends in the profession to say this of all the easy customers as having at once the effect of discouraging competitors for office and accounting for the opportunity of high living on the part of the nurses talk of constitution Mrs. Gamp observed persons constitution need be made of bricks to stand it Mrs. Harris justly says to me but the other day oh Sarah Gamp she says how is it done Mrs. Harris ma'am I says to her we gives no trust ourselves and puts a deal of trust elsewhere these is our religious feelings and we find some answer Sarah says Mrs. Harris such which like ways is the hand of all things the barber gave a soft murmur as much as to say that Mrs. Harris's remark though perhaps not quite so intelligible as could be desired from such an authority did equal honor to her head and to her heart and here continued Mrs. Gamp and here am I going 20 mile in distant on his winter some a chance has ever anyone has monthly never run I do believe says Mrs. Harris with the woman's and a mother's art of beating in her human breasts she says to me you're not a going Sarah Lord forgive you why am I not a going Mrs. Harris I replies Mrs. Gill I says was never wrong with six and is it likely ma'am I asked you as a mother that she will begin to be on regular now often and often if I hear him say I says to Mrs. Harris meaning Mr. Gill that he would back his wife again Moore's almanac to name nine-pence Fardon is it likely ma'am I says as she will fail this once says Mrs. Harris no ma'am not in the course of nature but she says the tears are filling in her eyes you know is much better than me with your experience how little puts us out a punches show she says a chimbley sweep a new fondling dog or a drunken man a coming round the corner sharp may do it so it may Mr. Gamps said Mrs. Gamp there's no denigine of it and though my books is clear for a full week I take the anxious art along with me I do assure you sir you're so full of zeal you see said Paul you were at yourself so we're at myself cried Mrs. Gamp raising her hands and turning up her eyes you speak truth in that sir if you never speaks no more to exist and when two Sundays jines together I feels the sufferings of other people more though no one may not suppose it the families I've had said Mrs. Gamp if all was note and credit done where credit to do would take a week to christen at St. Paul just fountain where's the patient going asked sweetle pipe into Harfordshire which is his native heir but native heirs nor native graces neither Mrs. Gamp observed won't bring him round so bad as that inquired the wistful barber indeed Mrs. Gamp shook her head mysteriously and pursed up her lips there's fevers of the mind she said as well as body you may take your slime drafts till you flies into the air with effervescence but you won't cure that I said the barber opening his eyes and putting on his raven aspect lower no you may make yourself as light as any gas balloon said Mrs. Gamp but talk when you're wrong in your head and when you're in your sleep and you'll be heavy in your mind of what kind of things now inquired Paul greedily biting his nails in his great interest ghosts Mrs. Gamp who perhaps had been already tempted further than she had intended to go by the barber's stimulating curiosity gave a sniff of uncommon significance and said it didn't signify I'm a going down with my patient in the coach this afternoon she proceeded I'm a going to stop with him they are so till he gets a country nuss draft him country nusses much the orchid hussies knows about their business and then I'm a coming back and that's my trouble Mr. Swedish pipes but I hope that everything could only go on right and comfortable as long as I'm away for wise in which as Mrs. Harris says Mrs. Gill is welcome to choose your own time all times of the day and night being equally the same to me during the progress of the foregoing remarks which Mrs. Gamp had addressed exclusively to the barber Mr. Bailey had been tying his cravat getting on his coat and making hideous faces at himself in the glass being now personally addressed by Mrs. Gamp he turned round and mingled in the conversation you ain't been in the city I suppose sir since we was all three there together said Mrs. Gamp at Mr. Chuzzlewitz yes I have Sarah I was there last night last night cried the barber yes Paul either so you can call it this morning if you like to be particular he dined with us who does that young limb mean by huss said Mrs. Gamp with most impatient emphasis me and my governor Sarah he dined at our house we was very merry Sarah so much so that I was obliged to see him home and a hackney coach at three o'clock in the morning it was on the tip of the boys tongue to relate what had followed but remembering how easily it might be carried to his master's ears and the repeated cautions he had had for Mr. Crimple not to chatter he checked himself adding only she was sitting up expecting him and all things considered said Mrs. Gamp sharply she might have knowed better than to go attire in herself out by doing anything of the sort did they seem pretty pleasant together sir oh yes answered Bailey pleasant enough I'm glad that said Mrs. Gamp with a second sniff of significance they haven't been married so long observed Paul rubbing his hands that they need be anything but pleasant yet awhile no said Mrs. Gamp with a third significant signal especially pursued the barber when the gentleman bears such a character as you gave him I speak as I find Mr. sweetle pipe said Mrs. Gamp forbid it should be other ways but we never know what's hidden in it and if we had glass windows there we need keep the shatters up some on us I do assure you but you don't mean to say Paul sweetle pipe began no said Mrs. Gamp cutting him very short I don't don't think I do the tortures of the imposition shouldn't make me own I did all I says is added the good woman rising and folding her shawl about her that the bulls are waiting and the precious moments is a flying fast little barber having in his eager curiosity a great desire to see Mrs. Gamp's patient proposed to Mr. Bailey that they should accompany her to the bull and witness the departure of the coach that young gentleman assenting they all went out together arriving at the tavern Mrs. Gamp who was full dressed for the journey in her latest suit of mourning left her friends to entertain themselves in the yard while she ascended to the sick room where her fellow laborer Mrs. Gamp appeared as painfully as if their weight alone were burdensome to move and how are we by this time Mrs. Gamp observed we looks charming we looks a deal charminger then we are then return Mr. Gamp Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey Mr. Bailey crown a day. If you want to be titivated, you must pay a cordon." "'Oh, dear me,' cried the patient. "'Oh, dear, dear,' Dara said, Mrs. Prigg. That's the way he's been a conductor of himself, Sarah, ever since I got him out of bed, if you'll believe it. Instead of being grateful, Mrs. Gamp observed, for all our little ways. Oh, five for shame, sir, five for shame. Here, Mrs. Prigg seized the patient by the chin and began to rasp his unhappy head with a hairbrush. I suppose you don't like that neither,' she observed, stopping to look at him. It was just possible that he didn't, for the brush was a specimen of the hardest kind of instrument producible by modern art, and his very eyelids were red with the friction. Mrs. Prigg was gratified to observe the correctness of her supposition, and said triumphantly, she'd known as much. When his hair was smoothed down comfortably into his eyes, Mrs. Prigg and Mrs. Gamp put on his necker-chiff, lifting his shirt collar with great nicety, so that the starched points should also invade those organs, and afflict them with an artificial ophthalmia. His waistcoat and coat were next arranged, and as every button was wrenched into a wrong buttonhole, and the order of his boots was reversed, he presented on the whole rather a melancholy appearance. I don't think it's right, said the poor weak, invalid. I feel as if I was in somebody else's clothes. I'm all on one side, and you've made one of my legs shorter than the other. There's a bottle in my pocket, too. What do you make me sit upon a bottle for? Do take the man, cried Mrs. Gamp, drawing it forth. If he ain't been and got my night bottle here, I made a little cupboard of his coat when it hung behind the door, and quite forgot it, Betsy. You'll find an engine or two, and a little tea and sugar in his tether pocket, my dear, if you'll just be good enough to take him out. Betsy produced the property in question, together with some other articles of General Chandlery, and Mrs. Gamp transferred them to her own pocket, which was a species of nankine peignet. Refreshment then arrived in the form of chops and strong ale for the ladies, and a basin of beef tea for the patient, which refection was barely at an end when John Westlock appeared. Up and dressed, cried John, sitting down beside him. That's brave. How do you feel? Much better, but very weak. No wonder. You have had a hard bout of it. But country air and change of scene, said John, will make another man of you. Why, Mrs. Gamp, he added, laughing as he kindly arranged the sick man's garments. You have odd notions of a gentleman's dress. Mr. Luce Amanda, easy gent to get into his clothes, sir, Mrs. Gamp replied with dignity, as me and Betsy Prigg can certify for the Lord Mayor and uncommon counselors if needful. John at that moment was standing close in front of the sick man, in the act of releasing him from the torture of the collars before mentioned, when he said in a whisper, Mr. Westlock, I don't wish to be overheard. I have something very particular and strange to say to you, something that has been a dreadful weight on my mind through this long illness. Quick in all his motions, John was turning round to desire the women to leave the room when the sick man held him by the sleeve. Not now. I've not the strength. I've not the courage. May I tell it when I have? May I write it if I find that easier and better? May you, cried John, why, Luce, and what is this? Don't ask me what it is. It's unnatural and cruel, frightful to think of, frightful to tell, frightful to know, frightful to have helped him. Let me kiss your hand for all your goodness to me. Be kinder still and don't ask me what it is. At first John gazed at him in great surprise, but remembering how very much reduced he was and how recently his brain had been on fire with fever, believed that he was laboring under some imaginary horror or despondent fancy. For farther information on this point he took an opportunity of drawing Mrs. Gamp aside while Betsy Prigg was wrapping him in cloaks and shawls and asked her whether he was quite collected in his mind. Oh, bless you know, said Mrs. Gamp. He hates his noses to this hour. They always does it, sir. It's a certain sign. If you could have heard the poor dear soul of finding fault with me and Betsy Prigg not half an hour ago, you would have wondered how it is we don't get fretted to the tomb. This almost confirmed John and his suspicion. So not taking what had passed into any serious account, he resumed his former cheerful manner and assisted by Mrs. Gamp and Betsy Prigg conducted loosome downstairs to the coach, just then upon the point of starting. Paul's sweetlepipe was at the door with his arms tight folded and his eyes wide open and looked on with absorbing interest while the sick man was slowly moved into the vehicle. His bony hands and haggard face impressed Paul wonderfully, and he informed Mr. Bailey in confidence that he wouldn't have missed seeing him for a pound. Mr. Bailey, who was of a different constitution, remarked that he would have stayed away for five shillings. It was a troublesome matter to adjust Mrs. Gamp's luggage to her satisfaction. For every package belonging to that lady had the inconvenient property of requiring to be put in a boot by itself and to have no other luggage near it on pain of actions at law for heavy damages against the proprietors of the coach. The umbrella with the circular patch was particularly hard to be got rid of, and several times thrust out its battered brass nozzle from improper crevices and chinks to the great terror of the other passengers. Indeed, in her intense anxiety to find a haven of refuge for this chattel, Mrs. Gamp so often moved it in the course of five minutes that it seemed not one umbrella but fifty. At length it was lost or said to be, and for the next five minutes she was face to face with the coachman, go wherever he might, protesting that it should be made good, though she took the question to the House of Commons. At last her bundle and her patents and her basket and everything else being disposed of, she took a friendly leave of Paul and Mr. Bailey, dropped a curtsy to John Westlock, and parted as from a cherished member of the sisterhood with Betsy Prigg. Wishing you lots of sickness, my darling creed, Mrs. Gamp observed in good places, it won't be long, I hope, before we work together off and on again, Betsy, and may our next meet and be at a large families where they all take it regular, one from another, turn and turn about, and has it business like. I don't care how soon it is, said Mrs. Prigg, nor how many weeks it lasts. Mrs. Gamp, with a reply and a congenial spirit, was backing to the coach when she came in contact with a lady and gentleman who were passing along the footway. Take care, take care here, cried the gentleman. Hello, my dear, why it's Mrs. Gamp. Why, Mr. Mould, exclaimed the nurse, and Mrs. Mould, who would have thought as we should ever have a meet and hear, I'm sure. Going out of town, Mrs. Gamp, cried Mould, that's unusual, isn't it? It is unusual, sir, said Mrs. Gamp, but only for a day or two at most. The gent, she whispered, as I spoke about. What, in the coach, cried Mould, the one you thought of recommending? Very odd. My dear, this will interest you. The gentleman that Mrs. Gamp thought likely to suit us is in the coach, my love. Mrs. Mould was greatly interested. Here, my dear, you can stand upon the doorstep, said Mould, and take a look at him. Ha, there he is. Where's my glass? Oh, all right, I've got it. Do you see him, my dear? Quite plain, said Mrs. Mould. Upon my life, you know, this is a very singular circumstance, said Mould, quite delighted. This is the sort of thing, my dear, I wouldn't have missed on any account. It tickles one. It's interesting. It's almost a little play, you know. Ah, there he is, to be sure. Looks poorly, Mrs. M. Dony. Mrs. Mould assented. He's coming our way, perhaps after all, said Mould. Who knows. I feel as if I ought to show him some little attention, really. He don't seem a stranger to me. I'm very much inclined to move my hat, my dear. He's looking hard this way, said Mrs. Mould. Then I will, cried Mould. How do you do, sir? I wish you good day. Ha! He bows, too, very gentlemanly. Mrs. Gamp has the cards in her pocket, I have no doubt. This is very singular, my dear, and very pleasant. I am not superstitious, but it really seems as if one was destined to pay him those little melancholy civilities which belong to our peculiar line of business. There can be no kind of objection to your kissing your hand to him, my dear. Mrs. Mould did so. Ha! said Mould. He's evidently gratified. Poor fellow. I am quite glad you did it, my love. Bye-bye, Mrs. Gamp, waving his hand. There he goes. There he goes. So he did, for the coach rolled off as the words were spoken. Mr. and Mrs. Mould, in high-good humor, went their merry way. Mr. Bailey retired with Paul's sweetlepipe as soon as possible. But some little time elapsed before he could remove his friend from the ground, owing to the impression wrought upon the barber's nerves by Mrs. Prigg, whom he pronounced in admiration of her beard to be a woman of transcendent charms. When the light cloud of bustle hanging round the coach was thus dispersed, Nadget was seen in the darkest box of the Bull Coffee Room, looking wistfully up at the clock, as if the man who never appeared were a little behind his time. End of Chapter 29