 Hello my beautiful internet friends and welcome back. Today we're going to talk about a subject that does not necessarily paint me in the best light. I've hesitated to film this mostly because I've been like shoving down emotions. You know that thing I always tell us not to do, still working on it myself. But I thought it was kind of important to talk about especially because it's really been affecting my life and my mental health lately. So let's talk about jealousy. How that little green monster has been whispering to me lately. Before we dive in, it would mean a lot to me if you hit subscribe to this channel and like on this video. It helps my video get out to more people and it helps me get closer to 100,000 subscribers. A totally arbitrary number. That seems to mean a lot to me and I think it would be really cool to get to. So if you want to help me out with that, that would mean the world to me. But let's talk about jealousy. The first thing that you should know is that I am not a jealous person. Like at all. I never have been. It's never really been an issue. Even in like long-term relationships or my marriage with Brian, jealousy is not a problem for me in friendships. Jealousy is not an issue. I generally trust the people that I choose to spend my time with. I expect them to trust me and if any issues come up we talk through them. But the little green eyed monster has been paying me a visit the last seven months since my surgery but specifically in like the last couple months. And I hate admitting that because jealousy is not the quality I like. It's a quality that's like affected me a lot from other people. Like people being like jealous over me for different stuff in an unhealthy context. Yeah jealousy is just not something I like and now I'm realizing that it's coming out of me and I don't love that. But let me explain. So when I had my amputation seven months ago, I was given a certain timeline for things, right? So I put my story out on social media and then I was told like after my amputation within six to eight weeks should get fitted for a prosthetic. That happened but then issue after issue after issue arose. Then I had the surgery back in March to fix things then other issues arose and I'm still not able to use it even a little bit. Going back in hopefully this week or next to talk with more doctors get second opinions. But anyways back when I first had my amputation the weeks following that people came to me asking me for questions like for guidance for advice and I was like a source of support for people who had gone through it a couple weeks after I did. You know or like a month after I did or two months after I did as I was like taking the next steps on the journey and so I was able to talk people through it as I was taking that next step and as time has gone on those people have surpassed me. And let me just pause real quick and saying if you're one of those people chances are you probably know who you are zero animosity towards you at all like my happiness for your accomplishments is genuine is real but I'm also struggling hardcore with jealousy. Like for instance I have friends who have had legs amputated after me who are now running races with running legs which is like all I want to do and I have friends who are just even freaking going for a walk like just going for a walk in the evening or going to the gym and hopping on an elliptical or a treadmill to walk just walking at all you know and I'm sitting here using the eye walk which is a great tool but is nowhere literally nowhere near the kind of mobility that you get with a prosthetic a lot of people have asked me about that and I'll do a video on the future but there is no comparison there just is no comparison it's like being on crutches versus having two good legs and walking on them the eye walk is amazing I'd recommend it to anyone but I need a leg I need a leg to walk and I have no idea when that's in sight and I'm seeing these people that were behind me that used to ask me for advice I mean just so far ahead of me and the issues that they're facing are issues that I would love to have like issues that I would just love to be struggling with like not sure if they can you know make the next race or having some issues and then switching to a different fit and suddenly everything's like perfect magical works great and I see the posts on social media right and this is where I get really uncomfortable with myself because I see people's posts on social media and I have always been a really big advocate for it does not matter what anyone else is going through what you're facing is what you're facing so like the whole someone else has a worse argument is total crap because you need to face what you're going through and so I see people struggling with what they're going through with a leg and saying like this is really challenging as they're learning to run or learning to jog or like you know getting back into rowing or whatever it is and being like you know this is really different and difficult and challenging and I'm here like simmering at home being a total jerk in my head for brief moments being like I wish I had those problems like I wish I had those issues and just sinking and jealousy in moments and I hate that like I hate that and I legitimately from the bottom of my heart am so happy for them that is not fake I really want to stress that I really really want to stress that especially if anyone is watching this and knows who they are my joy for them is sincere but then there's this huge chunk of me that is also just like you know I just feel so stuck and left behind but for the first time in my life really like I'm dealing with having jealousy in my life and I've seen it like stop people before like like freeze people and turn them bitter and turn them into people who can't be happy for other people and I don't want that to happen and I'm gonna do my very best never to let that happen because I think we can be jealous and also thrilled like we can hold two emotions at the same time like I can be insanely jealous that someone is taking their first unassisted steps or was able to go a whole day wearing their prosthetic and also insanely happy for them and that's okay like we don't have to let one completely overtake us and I'm honestly not sure what to do with the jealousy I don't like it it's like my least favorite emotion to be honest with you I would like to banish it from my repertoire of human emotions but guess what we don't get to do that we do have to experience the things that are coming up for us so I'll do my best to face it and I'm curious if you guys deal with jealousy I know some people struggle with it more than other people I totally get that it's never been something that I've really had to face because I've always been just sort of more like go with the flow easy going but as I'm seeing so many people surpass me and lap me and like go so much further man I am turning green and I hate it yeah it's not it's not my favorite so let me know what you do to deal with jealousy in the comment section I would really love to hear from you I'd love to hear any tips and tricks that you guys have I know that my time will come I absolutely know that my time will come and I think something that's worth mentioning too is that I know that people probably feel that way about me too like people have probably seen videos that I made and been like oh I wish I could be at that place not knowing the whole story not knowing that like things are really fricking hard behind the scenes in that moment or whatever because what we put on social media is just a fraction of the truth and I know that's true for my friends too I know that sometimes they'll like post a post about something cool that they did with their leg and I'm like oh man I'm so jealous that's so cool and then I'll personally message me and they'll be like no man it was actually really really rough and really hard and really painful and here's what's really going on and so we only ever see fractions of what's really going on especially when it comes to social media so I think keeping honest open communication going with people especially if we're dealing with jealousy probably a pretty important thing to do so let me know your thoughts and if this is something that you've dealt with before or something you're actively dealing with and you know thank you for loving me anyways even though I'm dealing with that green eyed monster jealousy a huge thank you goes out to my patron community all of you guys are amazing we've just reached 50 patrons which is incredible thank you so much for building such a big team behind me all of you guys who are a part of that today's patron of the day is Katya Hancock thank you for commenting on my post over on patron and being a member of my patron community that means so much to me if you liked this video if you've ever dealt with jealousy or had any ideas on how to deal with it or just feel like it I would super love if you would hit subscribe to this channel and like on this video it helps to get out to more people which would be awesome I love you guys I'm thinking about you I can't wait to read your comments and respond down in the comment section down below and I'll see you in the next video bye guys