 What if I told you that Kirby, the cheerful pink blob you've loved your whole life, was a war credible? Kirby, the golden child of Nintendo's many back-and-cleaner themed heroes, has captivated our attention since 1992, but no one's ever been brave enough to examine what kind of terrifying forces lie within that arcane pink orb. Until now, I have taken the questions gamers have been too afraid to ask and broken them down to three distinct proofs. How powerful is Kirby? What are the exact limits of his powers and is he responsible for the downfall of modern society? And after years of research on the forefront of forbidden physics, I have finally cracked the canonical upper bound to Kirby's power of suck. We're all familiar with and enchanted by Kirby's abilities. He can suck up his foes and he can also exhale them as formidable projectiles, only focusing on Kirby's power of suck today as it is the strongest and sexiest of his abilities. The first step in any scientific proof is gathering the right samples. And before you ask, I refuse to waste my time analyzing Kirby's stats in certain glorified fan service games. We're here to do real science. Based on a rigorous criteria of my own design, I isolated the largest object Kirby's seen swallowing in any game and found out that while roiding out in hypernova mode, Kirby inhales an entire train. And from there, is just math. We know Kirby is canonically 20 centimeters, so we can use the pixel heights to calculate the distance from Kirby to train. Next, I broke the clip down frame by frame and found that the time to inhale one train car was 0.07 seconds. I measured the time to swallow the middle train car to avoid the animation flare interfering with my measurements at the start and end of the big suck. And with these constants, we had everything we needed to determine Kirby's force of suck as 9.72 mega newt. And if you haven't studied physics for the sake of over analyzing Nintendo characters like I have, I'll tell you exactly what that means. Consider this chart on the orders of magnitude of force. We're all the way to the right, greater than the thrust generated by the space shuttle main engine at liftoff? That's Kirby's force of suck. And with this breakthrough, we were able to calibrate our new state-of-the-art physics engine, the Kirby's exact force of suck. Now watch as he decimates this train full of innocent working-class Americans. And with this model, we'll be able to predict the real Kirby's behavior in any scenario we throw at it. And with far more precision than any of that smash frame perfect bullshit, we'll revisit this later. I hope you were taking notes. And now that we've calculated Kirby's force of suck, just imagine all of the different ways we can apply this. Picture Kirby directs his force of suck on a wind turbine. That could generate like 3 radians, 1 intercool, Pythagoras, 382 megawatts. That's the kind of energy that could power almost half a million homes, over half a million horses. And it's kind of like 38 grenades going off at once. Just consider Kirby's potential to use his power to filter air pollution, suck up oil spills, even power space travel. And that's before taking into consideration the fact that in canon, Kirby can infinitely sustain his power of suck. That's like 38 grenades going off until the end of time. But is Kirby really the hero? Everyone thinks he is? It's not just about the math. It's about what drives him. It's how he chooses to wield this power. We have to get into his head. Kirby is a textbook hedonist. Everything he does is in the pursuit of pleasure. Once you remove all of the puzzle games, 94% of narrative driven Kirby games start out with him eating, sleeping, or otherwise engaged in leisurely activity when you're receiving his call to action. Kirby's heroics are motivated by self interest, like when he's woken up from a nap or running out of food. Any social good that comes out of that is just purely coincidental. Kirby is an agent of chaos who could be pushed over the edge at any moment. Remember that time when a slice of his cake went missing? So you know, he went on a bloodthirsty revenge quest throughout all of Dreamland to get it back. You know? Kind of like a sociopath? Kirby should probably be in therapy. Kirby spends his days being a lazy fuck until someone pisses him off and then just goes fucking ape shit. How are you okay with this? Kirby commits mortal sin on the regular, but because he's not mortal, we're gonna need a bigger ethical gotcha for this f***er. We've already established all the social good Kirby's powers are capable of, but because he chooses to wield his gift selfishly, Kirby himself becomes responsible for letting the world rot. The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. Oh, you still don't think Kirby's morally corrupt? Okay, okay, I'll prove it to you. Let's revisit the train problem from earlier. Shall we? Now that our modeling engine has been programmed to accurately predict the real Kirby's behavior, we can zoom out and try to tackle a different kind of train problem. See that Kirby does nothing. The trolling problem is about two competing schools of philosophy. Utilitarianism says we should kill as few people as possible, while deontology says that even if you touch that switch, you're a murderer. Neither of these even apply to Kirby because he could use his powers and suck all his people off the tracks and save everyone. He does nothing. He feels nothing. He means nothing to me anymore. We are all prisoners in Kirby's world. And as prisoners, we are entitled a level of due respect and resources. A mouth is an inhumane place to keep your prisoners of war. And as such, Kirby is in direct violation of the accords of the Geneva Convention. Kirby's a war criminal. Kirby's a war criminal. And trial at the hate. Did you know Kirby's a war criminal? Kirby's a war criminal. We are all villains in someone else's story, but Kirby is a villain in all of our stories. With the power of suck, he could produce infinite energy, ending all wars over natural resources. Kirby's very existence is a spit in the face to all whomst of suffer. We need action. And action means tweeting at Nintendo America and demanding that they remove Kirby from the Smash roster as a punishment for his crimes. Together, we can undo the damage that Kirby's inaction has rocked. And I'm f***ing sick of getting wrecked by his downbeat. I'm over it. Just get him out of Smash. That's what this whole thing was about. Just cut. He's done. Kirby can suck my d***.