 We humans have made the finding a partner ritual so complicated that even experts are still finding new tips, tricks, and hints. This dance can often feel unnatural to us, making initial forays or revisits after long breaks unnerving. We even have a name for the dance Dating. It's a jungle out there and we'd like to give you some tips to help you navigate the new terrain or help you reacquaint yourself Expansion pack included Number one know yourself Before you even contemplate who the other person is you definitely need to know you This will save you an incredible amount of frustration and time if you already know the fundamental basics of what you need in terms of values, treatment, beliefs, ideas, and support Think of it as the absolute essentials the deal breakers if you will for example You can probably live with a person who likes a different brand of chocolate than you But you might never be able to stay with someone who refuses to comfort you when you're crying Spending some time exploring which behaviors you value can help you develop reasonable and tangible expectations When you understand this you can confidently allow yourself to cross off the list those who don't meet your needs Number two go at your own pace. Hey, who's in the whole dating thing again? That's right. It's you you're a part of this and so you have every right to decide how you are going to go about it Sure, other people may try to nudge you in particular directions But you are the only one who 100% knows what's going on inside and can tailor your speed to it In fact being rushed could be considered a red flag if someone keeps pushing rushing and insisting Despite you indicating otherwise. This is a sign that the other person can't take no for an answer Which in turn implies just how little your needs matter to them Number three think of each step as practice Do you expect to hit a hole in one the first time you play golf? Well dating is kind of similar. It takes practice these days online meeting through texts apps and even online forums is far more common No one you know has vetted these people and if you are used to meeting people in the traditional way This can be daunting certain behaviors show up more often than others For example, if you're a heteronormative a woman will have to deal with many messages from men with a blunt aggressively sexual approach While the men deal with ghosting from the ladies Interestingly enough if you're pursuing a same-sex relationship There is a tendency for less pressure on who sends a message first and a lot fewer in your face inappropriate replies number four Communicate and be honest as nerve-wracking as it might be Dating is supposed to be a good thing a fun thing And there are a few things less fun than severe discomfort from awkward silences or cringy outbursts Quite often many of these Painful dates stem from one or both parties not being honest or communicative about their intentions actual wants needs and boundaries Certainly first impressions are important We're not telling you to go on a first date and you're binge watching pjs after not having brushed your hair Think of it more like if you're not actually a hot shot gajillionaire don't act like you can make it rain The truth will out eventually and that leads to seriously awkward sometimes super embarrassing confrontations Oh and wasted time So much wasted time You do want to tell just enough so both of you understand each other Spilling everything with all details in history and a torrential flood especially early on is overwhelming While it may not be advisable to gush marriage on a first date It's a good idea to be forthcoming about why you are dating Whether it's a hookup a long-term thing or even just I haven't met anyone new in a while In the same vein don't go on and on about past partners But being honest about the big stuff like being widowed or divorced etc Will help steer interactions in the right direction giving some general but honest info will help avoid red flag status too It's about balance if you're returning to the dating scene after being away for a super long time and give no reason That seems suspicious On the flip side if you spill every single moment of your past like you're trying to find absolution through therapy This is also not good Okay, number five watch out for red flags And speaking of those red flags look out for the four major ones criticism defensiveness stonewalling and contempt But what exactly am I looking for you ask? Don't worry. We got you covered Criticism isn't a one-off you're late. It's an all-or-nothing thing with the criticism flag So more like you're always late or you never notice me So the movies were right on this one only a sith deals in absolutes Defensiveness is like a pre-attack everything you say becomes the opening salvo for a debate Fight or guilt trip an offhand comment of it's raining pretty hard Why'd you park so far away gets a response of I don't want my car to get scratched. Do you know how much that costs? It's just rain. What's your problem? Or asking for fun Do you think a hot dog is a sandwich and you get a full blown insulting tirade about giving a name reasoning to manipulate a result I mean come on sometimes a question's just a question Stonewalling on the other hand takes an inactive approach. I'm just like it sounds You say a thing or trying to talk after a conflict and the other person doesn't respond or they go offline You explain your stance and they either act like they don't care or they simply act like you didn't say anything at all contempt The most sinister of the four horsemen of the apaca. I mean of dating Contempt goes hand-in-hand with being condescending They'll behave in a mean-spirited manner humiliating you or otherwise making sure you know they're superior in some way So demeaning jokes at your expense on a first date Run away. In fact, if any of these red flags make themselves clearly Absolutely known the best course of action is to turn and leave and not after giving it a go for a year leave quickly You'll have noticed that they all entail the flag bearer not caring about their partner or at worst using their partner as a tool Like a sport though dating also has a yellow flag where there's unease, but you're not really sure if it's really a thing One in doubt ask an expert You could also sit back and ask yourself how you'd feel if this treatment was being received by someone close to you When put in that light we tend to lose the rosy glasses of initial dating forgiveness Number six tell someone you know where you are and be aware of your surroundings I know you've been watching those docu series or at least have seen the newsfeeds You know the ones where the aftermath involves a friend or family member of the victim saying we had no idea where they were if only Always let someone you trust know where you are and with who you never know when something may happen It might be something petty like this is super awkward. Can you conveniently show up or call so I can leave this date? Or on the other hand it could possibly save your life As much as we're all digitally connected always remember that someone you met online or while waiting for coffee is not someone you know Dating is complex We want to arm you with your best chance So stay tuned for part two and take that stride and pride. We're here for you