 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. You know, friends, nothing, no nothing beats better taste. And remember... Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means, lime tobacco, richer tasting, lime tobacco. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! Which cigarette is the right one for you? That's easy. The one that tastes better. Because a better tasting cigarette will give you more enjoyment. That's right. Nothing, no nothing beats better taste. And Lucky's taste better. Cleaner and fresher and smoother. Here's why. First of all, Lucky's are made of fine, light, really mild tobacco. Yes, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Then too, Lucky's are made better to taste better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. Made to give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother tasting smoke. So friends, for the one thing you want most in a cigarette, for the better taste that brings greater smoking enjoyment, be happy. Go Lucky. Make your next carton, Lucky Strike. Lucky's taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! Regent Haaland Palm Springs, California. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny. With Mary Libby's... Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you a man who after one week in Palm Springs has become a picture of health. He was on the golf course Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday looking for the ball he lost on Monday. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking. And now, ladies and gentlemen, since this is our second week... Wait a minute, Jack, wait a minute. Jack, did you really lose a golf ball? Certainly, Don. I even asked you to help me look for it all over the desert. And now, ladies and gentlemen, since this is our second week... Oh, Jack, Jack, something tells me you tricked me. I tricked you? Yes. As we were coming past Roger's table, you said, Don, you'll never find the ball that way. Stoop over. I did, you threw a saddle on me and for the rest of the day tried to rent me out for a dollar and a quarter an hour. He found out. I thought I was being subtle too, you know. I can't... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hello, everybody. Mary, why didn't you show up for rehearsal this morning? Well, if you must know, for one thing, I was busy moving out of that hotel where you're living. But, Mary, I've stayed in that hotel for the last two weeks. It may be small and crowded, but it's a lovely place. Some lovely place. This morning, a guest ball me off for using the roller towel. Why? He was sleeping in it. The height of the season, people have to sleep where they can. As a matter of fact, I happened to know that last night, some people had to sleep in the police station. Jack, that was the orchestra, and the height of the season had nothing to do with it. Say, Mary, you're kidding about the orchestra being arrested, aren't you? No, I'm not, Don. Well, for heaven's sakes, what'd they do? I don't know about the others, but the police found Remley lying against the curb, and he hadn't put a penny in the parking meter. Mary, stop making up jokes. Now, you know the boys in the back... Oh, hello, Bob. Hiya, Jack. Hello, Mary. Are you still enjoying yourself here in Palm Springs? Oh, uh, pretty good. What do you mean, pretty good? You're living at one of the swankiest places in town, the El Mirador. Well, that's right, Bob. And you know, during the war, the El Mirador was a hospital, but it isn't anymore. Well, I wish someone would tell the waiters. Why? Well, last night, I ordered borscht. Borscht? Well, didn't it taste good? Who knows? They laid me on the table and shot it in my arm. You're kidding. Kiddin', look at this muscle. It's a potato. Well, how do you like that? Then for dessert, they gave me an anesthetic. Well, Bob, that had nothing to do with the dinner. Everybody who lives at the El Mirador gets an anesthetic. Yeah, but why? That way, they can give you the bill and you won't come too to go through banning. That explains a lot of things. Yeah, it really explains a lot of things. Yeah. Like what? Well, when I drove up to the place a bellboy came out, carried in my wallet and left my bags in the drive-in. Sorry I took your line, then, Bob. Anything happened when you do that. I take his lines, he takes somebody else's. That's because we don't rehearse, you know. Well, anyway, at the El Mirador is really one of the nicest. Come in. Telegram for Mr. Jack Bunny. I'll take it, boy. Here you are. Oh, just a minute, boy. Have you got change for a $5 bill? Change for a five? I think so. Good, good. Here's the $5 bill. Here's your change. One, two, three, four, five. Okay, boy. You can go now. Thank you, Mr. Bunny. Thank you. This is my lucky day. Uh, wait a minute, boy. What do you mean this is your lucky day? Mr. Benny gave you a $5 bill, and you gave him back five ones. What are you so happy about? When you do business with him and break even, it ain't bad. Who's the telegram from? Just a minute, I'll see. Hmm, it's from Dennis Day. Says, sorry I can't be on the program today, so I'm sending a substitute singer to take my place. The reason I'm missing the program is because I'm eloping with Marilyn Monroe. However, I'm silly enough to be back with you next week. That crazy kid making up jokes for a telegram. It's six cents a word. It's ridiculous. Say, Jack, why did he say he's sending over a substitute? I can sing. Why, certainly, Bob, that's exactly what you're going to do. Any substitute that Dennis would send over would probably be some silly jerk who doesn't even know how to... Now, who can that be? Come in. Well, Bing. Just call me substitute. Bing, I'm surprised. Actually amazed that you're the one that's taking Dennis's place today. Why, Jack, what's so amazing about that? Well, let's face it, how can a kid like Dennis afford to pay a big star like you for a guest appearance? Wait, wait a minute, Jack. Dennis isn't paying me anything. The kid and I worked out an exchange deal. An exchange? I do a guest shot for him today, and he caddies for me tomorrow. Well, Bing, I don't like to cast aspersions on your business ability, but I think Dennis got the best of you on the deal. No, he didn't. Jack, you see, tomorrow I'm playing a match with Ben Hogan at $100 a hole. Wait a minute, you can't beat Ben Hogan. He's the best golfer in the country. That's what I want with Dennis. He'll drive Hogan nuts. Oh, oh, oh! There's some writing. I got three holes in there. It's a little redundant. You know, uh, you know my whole gang, don't you? Oh, yes. Hi, fellas, and... Hello, Mary. Hello, Bing. Well, I guess I know everybody except, uh, who's the fella standing over there? I'm your brother. I didn't recognize you. How are you, Robert? I'm fine, Bing, because I haven't seen you for months. In fact, not since I started working on Jack's program. See, no wonder I didn't recognize you, kid. You got a lot thinner. Wait a minute, Bing. If Bob lost any weight, it's not Jack's fault. Certainly not. Bob's working for peanuts and peanuts are fattening. Thank you, Mary. You know, Bing, it's quite a coincidence having you on the program. Only three weeks ago we had your sidekick, Bob Hope, as a guest star. Oh, really? How was old Sickle Snoot? Sickle Snoot? Why do you call Hope that? Well, his nose looks like a bagel with one bite out of it, I think. You think that's me? It does. You know it does at that. Say, Bing, you and Bob Hope have made an awful lot of pictures together, haven't you? Yes, and don't hit that word awful so hard, but it just kind of glossed that out. Anyway, Beagle Beak is a little mad about it now because you know, in every picture we make, I get the girl. Oh, is that what makes him mad? For heaven's sakes, Bing, with everything else you have, why are you so interested in money? Believe me, you can't take it with you. They finally convince you, huh? What are you doing down here in Palm Springs? I've been doing some broadcasts, Mary, and I've been writing my autobiography. No kidding. Yeah, finally finished all the writing. I've titled it, Call Me Lucky. Say, Bing, the story of your life must be very interesting. Tell me about it. Well, I was born in Tacoma, Washington, and, oh, I tell you about it. Jack, you can read it in the Saturday evening post. Oh, yes, the Saturday evening post. Sure. That's only 15 cents. Comes in eight installments. Oh, well, tell me about it. Well, Jack, this thing starts in the February 14th edition of the Saturday evening post, and you can read it there. I know, but I want to hear the whole story at once. I don't want to wait eight weeks. Well, all right. You see, my life story starts off with my birth in the year 1914. 1914. See, this is 1953. 14 from 1953. Hmm. That would make you 39. Bing, you can't be 39. What's the matter? You got a patent to do something? No, it's just that, uh, that, uh... That finder's keeper. It is not. Look, Bing, do you have a copy of your autobiography with you? Yeah, got it all right here, just as it appears in the post. Well, look, I'll tell you what. Suppose I read the story while you sing your song. Well, what makes you think he'll sing a song? What makes you think I won't? Your heart and let the love shine through Open up your heart and make my dreams come true Why do you just hide behind it, loosen up the chains that bind it Open up your heart and let me in Baby, I've been mighty lonesome Baby, I've been mighty blue And the reason for it all is plain to see Every first day I met you, you've been walking in all my dreams It's time you gave a little thought to me The sunshine and the pelican loves the sea And the meadowlike loves to sing his happy song Not one of them gets his lonesome As a love-sick bird like me And it's all because my chick had it done me wrong Why don't you open up your heart And let the love shine through Open up your heart and make my dreams come true Throw away the key that fits the telemind The one that gets it, open up your heart and let me in Open up your heart and let me in That was wonderful, and I just read your autobiography and it's really interesting Say, Jack, I've got an idea What, Mary? Well, since we've got Bing with us, why don't we dramatize his life story? Say, that is a good idea. Look, Bing, suppose I do your life story on my show Then you can do the story of my life on your show Your life on a half-hour program? Don't worry, we'll work it out. Eight installments And now, ladies and gentlemen, a special preview of the life of Bing Crosby As it appears in the Saturday evening post Hello? I have a long distance call from Mr. Jack Benny This is Jack Benny speaking. I'll take the call It's collect Collect? Look, Operator, I'm not taking any collect call Just a moment I'm sorry, Mr. Paley, but Mr. Benny said he isn't Jack Benny Mr. Paley? Oh my goodness, Operator, certainly I'll take the call Very well, Mr. Benny, go ahead Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny, this is Rochester Why? Rochester, you tricked me I had to, boss, I'm in the garage in San Bernardino and I haven't got any money The garage? Something wrong with my car again? Rochester, answer me, is there something wrong with my car? Just a minute, boss, this is such a long story, I wrote it down Never mind that, just tell me what happened Well, I was on my way down to Palm Springs to pick you up Uh-huh And as I was coming through Cucamonga, I was driving along the railroad tracks When suddenly I noticed the super chief was trying to pass me Trying to pass you? I accepted the challenge, but for the next 22 miles we were side by side Rochester, how could you keep up with the super chief? The male hook had me by the back of the neck A short way of keeping, one way of keeping up with it Yeah, we were tunnel A tunnel, oh my goodness, was the car wrecked? Boss, if you see four flying saucers with hookcaps, they're yours That's terrible, Rochester, are you hurt? No, I was protected by the ironing Rochester, you had the ironing board in the car, why? If you found out I was just sitting there driving, you'd be awful mad I would not, anyway, before you leave the garage, find out how much it'll cost to fix my car Oh, I already do, fellas, look at it and they each gave me an estimate The first said $17.50 and the second fellow wanted $800 Well, that's quite a difference $800 out of the question for fixing up my car What'll the fellow do for $17.50? There it is Rochester, you didn't really have a wreck, did you? Well, of course Then why did you make up such a story? Well, I knew I'd be late getting down to Palm Springs So when I started to make up an excuse and it got away from me Well, that's ridiculous No, it isn't, I sold you a sad evening post in Hayden Starman All right, goodbye Goodbye, oh, say, boss Now what? The director of your television show called and he's already hired 700 dancing girls for your TV show next Sunday Rochester, I'm not having 700 dancing girls on my television show next Sunday Boss, you know that and I know that, but let's lure the listeners Oh, yes, thank you, Rochester, goodbye And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present our dramatization of the Saturday evening post autobiography of Bing Crosby Call Me Lucky, Curtain Music 2014, it says here The newborn baby was called Harry Lillis Crosby Harry Lillis was a precocious baby and learned to speak quite young At the age of three months, he said Da Months, he said Da, da, da And at six months Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da Child of school age and he was a good pupil And a clever one, too While other kids brought the teacher apples, he brought her minute-maid orange shoes When he received the nickname he made famous,港 because his family lived next to a cherry orchard And he was very fond of Bing Chariots Fortunately, he didn't live next to an orange grove, or today he might be known as Naval Crossbowl. Another blessed event took place in the Crosby home. The newcomer joined brothers Bing, Larry, Ted, and Everett, and he was named Robert. Bing took care of little Robert and tried to teach him to talk. Come on, Bobby. Say mama. Dog. Come on, Bob. Say mama. Dog. No, mama. Say mama. Mama. Shepherd of this. Brother Crosby thought Bing was old enough to have responsibilities, so she decided to give him an allowance of a dollar a week. When it came time for him to receive his first dollar, Bing said, Mother, may I have my allowance? Well, certainly, son. Here it is. Oh, but, Mother, I'm supposed to get a dollar allowance. How come you only gave me 90 cents? Brother Everett gets 10%. Today on his weighted class, he ran into his best friend, Robert Leslie Hope. Hope suggested they play hooky, which they did. They went down to the corner fruit store and swiped apples, and they went around tipping over ash cans and breaking windows. This was the start of their first picture, the road to reform school. Bob shared the same room at Gonzaga University. They shared everything. They even took their Saturday night baths together, and they enjoyed it because it gave them a chance to harmonize. Are the dustiest, the winds are the gustiest, the gates are the rustiest, the pies the crustiest, the songs the lustiest, the folks the trustiest, way back home. The trees are the sappiest, the days are the nappiest, the dogs are the happiest, the kids the scrappiest, the jokes the snappiest, the folks the happiest, way back home. I don't know why I left the homestead. We crossbiz had such fun. Yeah, but Bing, we drove the neighbors crazy, they had to move. Yes, one by one. Bob was the littlest, Sister Kay the prettiest, Larry was the dumpiest, Mary Rose the plumpiest, Bing's clothes the dingiest, Everett the stingiest, way back home. Let's light a lucky strike, that's sure a smoke I like. My folks are tearing them, and they're comparing them. Yes, it's a favorite smoke, of all the smartest folk, way back home. A lucky is round and firm, that's more than just a turn, it's made of fine tobacco, there's 20 in the pack, no pups is ever rough, it's luckies we all puff, way back home. Lucky strikes are better tasting, and there are no loose ends. That's why boy greased the sponsor, this is my butter and eggs, my grain of pressure smooth as smoke, you'll be proud to give your friend. We folks are the happiest, my brothers are the snappiest, Everett the daffiest, Bob is the pappiest. We're happier than two, and I'll come back with you, way. The mission was to become a singer, with an audition in Los Angeles. Your name is Harry Lewis Crosby. Yes sir, but most people call me Bing. Tell me, have you made any phonograph records? Yes sir, I've made lots of records, I've made them for a company owned by Rudy Valley, but I think he's jealous of me. How can you say Rudy was jealous, he let you make the records, didn't he? Like you, I'm going to give you a chance. Here, learn this song, and tomorrow night, you'll sing on a coast-to-coast radio network. And the following night, for the first time in history, the rich baritone voice of Bing Crosby was heard as he sang. Crunchy munchies hit the spot from the cannon, they are shot, they will become your favorite dish, they are better than cavill, are they? Way to success, and with fame and wealth, his interests became diversified. One day he witnessed the following scene. I'll buy that race horse. That's a very good horse you're buying, Mr. Crosby. Why, but tell me, what does he go the mile in? Well, I don't know, he never quite made it. Look, Mr. Crosby, your horse can win its first race if you tell the jockey that's riding it to holla giddy app and throw this little electrical switch on the saddle. Oh, is there a battery under there? No, it turns on his hearing aid. Hello, horses, he had gone into pictures. His movie career was always successful, but it became more so because of three brilliant decisions. He made going my way, he made bells of St. Mary's, and he turned down the horn blows at midnight. He stood zenith on a night in March in 1945 when he won the Academy Award. His acceptance speech was quite modest, as he said. I want to thank everyone who helped me win this Oscar. Even though I have supposedly reached the top as a singer, I want you to know that it's not been easy. I've had to overcome many hardships, poverty, disease, hunger, Cuomo and Sinatra. Television, movies, radio, frozen food, inventions, cattle, and oil wells. Yes, the world was his. And I wish he'd give it back already. This is Bing's true story. We'll be back in a moment, but first, nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And remember... 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Yes, be happy. Go LUCKY. BE HAPPY GO LUCKY GET BETTER TASTE TODAY I want to thank you very much for taking Dennis Day's place on the program. I was glad to do it, Jack. Tell me, Bing, is Dennis really going to caddy for you when you play golf with Ben Hogan tomorrow? That's right. And you and Ben are playing for $100 a hole? Mm-hmm. Well, do you mind if I join you? You know, I'd like to pick up a little extra money. What makes you think you'd win? I can't lose. I'm going to caddy for Hogan. Oh. It's written by Sam Parran, Milt Joseph Burke, George Balzer, John Packaberry, and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Mars. Be sure to hear The American Way with Horace Hyte for LUCKY STRIKE every Thursday over this same station. Consult your newspaper for the time. Jack Benny Program is brought to you by LUCKY STRIKE, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. This is the CBS Radio Network.