 All you men and women in the armed forces of the United Nations, a rebroadcast of The Jack Benny Show, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Jack Benny's special guest singer and Don Wilson. You are one of the world's greatest mediums of entertainment. All week long you are entertained by your radio. Tuesday it's Bob Hope, well made for none other than Jack Benny talking, and fellas it certainly is great being here at Swamp, I mean Camp-a-day. Mr. Benny, can I go now? Certainly you can go. We don't force anybody to listen to this program. You want to hear it? We're happy. If you don't want to hear it, it's up to you. Don, untie him. Tell me he was a talking horse, so I thought it would be a novelty on the program. Anyway, Don, now that he's gone, these boys have waited long enough to be entertained, so let's start out with that joke I wrote. Or you mean the one about the soldier on leave? Yeah, this will kill him. I mean, it's made to order for these guys, you know? All right, they'll love it. Okay, here goes. Say, Don, what's the difference between a soldier on leave and a flea on a cat's stomach? I don't know, Jack, what is the difference between a soldier on leave and a flea on a cat's stomach? One's on furlough, and the other's on low fur, for any shopper you'd cut yourself, to tell that clever stuff so early in the program. But we might as well start off with a bang. It helps the... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, you fellas. I saw a fellow come out of here, and he looked like he lost an argument with a Sherman tank. Oh, that was some wise guy, a Mr. Fitch or somebody, interrupted the start of the program. So, Don beat him up. Don beat him up? Yeah. I thought I'd never get to tell that gag about the furlough and the low fur. Jack, did you tell that joke here? Yes, why? Don beat up the wrong guy. What are you talking about? When I pull that gag, these boys scream at it. I know, Jack, but when they pull a hair out at the same time, that's not good. Maybe you're right. Anyway, if you want to know something, I was tricked into telling that furlough joke. I didn't even write it. Then where'd you get it? I have a lend-lease agreement with Fred Allen. Imagine him sending me a lousy gag like that after the gym I sent him. Gym? Yeah, listen to this, Don. Here's the one I sent Allen. Allen says to Jimmy Wallington... Say Jimmy. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Why does a corporal have such a tough time in the Army? Jimmy says, I don't know, Fred. Then Allen says... A corporal has such a tough time in the Army. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Because he already has two stripes against them. That's rousing Allen. Let me get this straight. You told Allen's joke here on the West Coast, and Allen is going to tell your joke on the East Coast? Yeah, what about it? I'd hate to be in Kansas City, trapped in the middle. You don't appreciate good comedy, then there's no use of... Come in. Hello, Mr. Benny. Here I am again. Look, we untied you, so you... Say, what are you doing in that uniform? I just enlisted in the Army. You did? Or are we going back in one of those things? Yeah, why? Well, that's the way they brought me here. I was sitting in the back seat, and every time we hit a bump, oh, brother. What do you mean? What do you mean, oh, brother? Don, for years, the slogan was, the Army travels on its stomach. And then somebody invented the Jeep. Back in the Jeep, I better have Rochester bring my overcoat. I'll call my hotel. He must be in my room packing, I think. Now, will you please get me my room? We were in Jeep. Now, will you please get it for me? It's for... Not enough. Look, look, miss. Oh, well, I'll call later. C-18 men wearing overalls. I don't care about the band. I'm talking about me. You didn't give me no introduction. Introduction? Yeah, me. Phil Harris, the kid with a million-dollar personality. Huh? I didn't introduce you, Phil. No wonder I got an inferiority complex. All alone. It isn't his fault that he's better-looking than you are. Who said he was better-looking than I am? I did. You did, Phil. Do you mean to say that you go around telling people you're better-looking than me? No, I don't make no personal issue out of it. I just say I'm better-looking than anybody. Always talks about himself. Just once in a while, Phil. Once in a while. It's nice to talk about the other time. Get the idea? Yeah, I think I do, Jackson. And I think you're right. Come on, let's try it. Now, I meet you on the street and you greet me. Okay. Good morning, Phil. Good morning, Jackson. Did you have a good breakfast this morning? Yes, Phil. I had a wonderful breakfast this morning. Well, I'm still better-looking than you are. Well, there's no use explaining anything to you. Say, Jack. What? Forget about Phil. If we're going back in that Jeep, you better try and get Rochester again. Oh, yes. I wanted to bring my overcoat. Mary, you get the number. I don't want to get in another fight with that telephone operator. Okay. It drives me nuts anyway. Silly things. I'll tell Baton. Will you get me room 425, please? Yes, ma'am. And you can tell me if she's ringing your room. Okay. I'll take it. Hello. Yes, Mr. Benny. Oh. They're taking us back in the Jeep and I don't want to catch cold. So will you bring my- But, boss, I saw you put it on when you left this morning. My coat? It'll be cold. Then you better take your hand, too. It's not in the middle. Now, bring my coat. Bring my coat over here right away. But, boss, I got a date besides your promise. Day off, Sunday off. Look at these soldiers here. They work every day in the week. Yeah, but look at the dough they're getting. Much more than you are. On military basis, it's all right with me. It's part military- Mr., you're just making that up. Not the military part- What are you laughing at? If you didn't have to come- If he wasn't a private, I'd demote him. And now, in keeping with the spirit of the day, the boys have selected one soldier to represent them on our program. And he's going to sing a song for us. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, private first-class Luther Ballyeth of the 276th Infantry. What's the number going to be, Luther? I'm going to sing it's a lovely way to spend an evening. Not in Corvallis. It'll go right ahead. It'll go right ahead. Very good, Luther. It was a great pleasure having you with us. Thank you, Mr. Benny. And I want to tell you something, Luther, you're in a great outfit and a great branch of the service. The good ol' in the branch of the service I'd like to be in. And they let you go marching yesterday. Tell Luther. Oh, Mary. He's not interested. Well, then I'll tell him. Mary, will you please? Listen, Luther, Jack wanted to show how rugged he was. So he asked the sergeant if he could mark for the soldiers. Mary, now, will you please? We all went along because we wanted to see how Jack could take it. We were out with for about a half an hour. Except that my shoes are beginning to bother me. I wonder where I left them. When did you take them off? Shoes off. They just dropped behind. Here they come now. Try to march with these young men. Wait a minute. Are you insinuating that I'm old soldiers in the American Army? You go out on 20 mile heights every week and not one of them looks like Lana Turner. The Corps will ballast here. Nation Corps. You know, I guess it's Army talk for shortcut. Asked especially for you soldiers, sailors, marines and Coast Guardsmen of the United Nations. Now we turn the remainder of the program over to the Benny Bandmaster, Phil Harris. Music fell.