 Let's let's talk about my conundrum mark. Can we talk about it? I'm gonna need your help So here's here's the conundrum. So I've I've been taught to give without receiving and it's something that I always do I I've been Just even started my YouTube channel. I just constantly do it. I don't expect anything in return. I Just in the in the context of YouTube. I tried to promote smaller channels. I tried to Let them be guests on my channels. I try to do so many things to help out other people and It's recently come up with the people who I have helped where I've never asked for a single thing in return or Just turning on me and saying that I manipulated them and I'm selfish and egotistical and narcissistic and I'm sitting here like What like it's like it's just baffling to me And I was thinking about writing a blog post about it, but since we're already talking like how how do you? Deal with that because I'm not expecting anything return But like I think the only thing I am expecting is just like a little common decency to be able to step back and say Wait, what am I talking about this guy has never asked anything of me and always done this tried to help me. I Don't know. It's do you channel me mark? I don't know what's going on Oh So I'm gonna channel some of these people that are giving you a hard time. Oh, okay So this could get us both hated So I'm someone who you've done a lot for And it's true. You've never asked for anything. So why am I so upset with you? I'm so upset with you So I'm one of these haters Who you've done a lot for without asking anything the way I function in the world this Is I look for reasons to distrust? Because if I look for reasons to distrust that justifies my anger and then I don't have to say to myself Maybe I'm just a frickin angry guy who hates the world I don't particularly want to own that I don't want to own that I'm a person who Just hates because it goes against me. And so when you are generous, I like it at first It's kind of novel but The point is it's too upsetting for me to think to myself, you know, I might be able to trust this guy Because my whole personality is focused on a bracelet the bottom of Eric Eric's and social psychosocial thing is it's based on basic mistrust and Based on no matter what I say or scream at the world that laughs at me or disregards me And so I've built up a whole story I'm not angry the world has really hurt me laughed at me And so, you know, we make our way into each other's worlds And you're being kind of generous and I'm up against an unconscious roadblock, which is I intellectually know it's not the best thing but to function I need to be distrustful So I need to be project on you all kinds of ulterior motives I need to project on you that you're doing me wrong in some way, even though I have no evidence for it Because if it turns out That you're not Then I'm the crazy one. So either you're a manipulator He's doing something Which so I can say see I told me so the world is just like that Or if it turns out you're not a manipulator I'm crazy. I'm crazy paranoid angry retaliatory All of which cause triggers, you know, probably even deeper depression and addiction And so it's it's it's almost like It's almost too painful to believe you to believe that you care about me and it's not and it's all unconscious Yeah, like I shared with I shared with you an anecdote and this is a slightly different case I'm not sure if I shared with you this in the last thing, but there was a woman that I coach I think the world of her And she's really high functioning and she's a little guarded But you know people open up to me. I mean, you know, I I don't know why but people do and And they just do and I said to her I said, I know what you're most afraid of and it's not being rejected judged to criticize None of what you like All of which you have defense mechanisms against That's not what you're afraid of You're annoyed by them and sometimes they get you nervous She said, what am I afraid of and I looked at her and I said, what you're afraid of is feeling Unconditionally safe Unconditionally loved and there's nothing you can do to earn it Or lose it It's just there and she took a double take And then it's it's almost like her head went back like And and and she just she went And she just collapsed on the couch and she just started sobbing And I said, what's going on? She said you hit a nerve that's so deep. I can't get to it Because Why she was afraid of that is because she's lived her whole life with it never being safe ever So she's swept things under the carpet The worst thing she's swept under the carpet is You know, uh having a close loving relationship is not in the cards for you. So just give it up And uh, you know, which was a great loss for her And so what happened is it ripped the whole carpet up Uh And I think part of it is I have been seeing her for a while and I think her experience of me is that And I think I hope most people's experience including the suicidal people I see They feel unconditionally safe There's no judgment I never get disappointed in people I get disappointed for them I'm just are you disappointed? I'm disappointed for you because that's now gonna trigger a lot of Coming your way And I'm sorry But it's inevitable We'll just have to walk through it. Yeah, it's Does any of that make any sense? No, it makes it makes too much sense. And as you're talking about this and like For me personally just my personal experience with this Because I think I told you before I was working at a very large Treatment center here in las vegas one of the largest Inpatient drug and alcohol treatment centers in the in the entire country of the unit Like it had the inpatient was like 150 something beds I think there was only one other treatment center that had more beds than that So I've just dealt with a massive amount of people every single day And there were times when people came up to me like drug addicts You know, we get a little angry when you take our drugs and alcohol away. I've had people come up to me Threaten me call me names all sorts of stuff just everything, you know I'll never forget. There was one kid. I did nothing But sit with him and talk with him and everything like that and one day he snapped He found out he had to get discharged earlier than he expected. He was scared to leave whatever He cussed out everybody and then I'm standing at the front. There's money in my own business And he comes trudging down past the front desk and he walks right up to my face and he says And you too chris and he storms out the front door leaves. He goes a wall, right It didn't bug me. It did not bug me one bit. I was like this guy is hurting right now I was like this guy is hurting right now. He is scared You know, he's hurting that wasn't at me. That was you know, that's not me. It's him And he actually ended up coming back. He came He found me. He apologized to me. He gave me a hug and he told me that's part of why I know this He's like chris. I was scared. I was so scared and that story had a happy ending Last I heard he was like two years sober. So spot on But anyways what I'm getting at is I I I worked at such a large treatment center and I had this happen All the time right all the time But I'm trying to understand why it's harder for me to handle it now Right, but you know, like I was saying I think part of it is I was dealing with 150 160 people Now I'm dealing with tens of thousands of people. So maybe it's just I'm not used to I don't know the the number the volume of it and it's I wonder if this is it Because I'm getting to know you and I hope those will be a series A lot of times people who have too much anger They want to vent it They won't vent it. It's someone they feel who can't take it. They won't vent it. It's someone who And so because of the nature of your voice and your brush and whatever I got a lot of anger I need to vent it, you know, I don't know, you know, I'm gonna aim it at chris because I think he can take the hit He talks like a truck driver Handle it. I mean I can hit him with my best shot. I'm not gonna destroy the guy Whereas if I walk by the person so it's over sensitive, you know, I want to vent But I don't want to kill this frail, you know, uh, this frail hand holder Who just wants to love me back, you know, that makes me want to gag because I have too much anger But there's something about chris the way he's in your face, you know, and I think he can take it But I it made me the challenge for you with the down deep your your your alter ego Is you know, you can you can play the rough rough exterior But there is that part of you that down deep feels hurt by it feels actually hurt and wounded And then you the hurt wounded goes into your anger issue hurt wounded will this You do a cluster in your head And it becomes another show. So I mean, it's all to the good chris Yeah No, that's that's something I haven't thought about in ages in ages It's it's one of those things where I don't know if it's right or wrong, but you know growing up That was kind of my thing too. I had there was myself and then there was my sister My sister got a lot more attention and coddling because my parents looked at me like chris can take it chris takes care of himself chris is gonna get through this right But her they were always kid gloves and she's my older sister and everything like that And you saying that like I was just talking to my girlfriend yesterday I was talking with a family member and like that's out of my family's like Sicilian and we just kind of go back and forth And uh, I was explaining to my girlfriend I was like, I think we talk to each other like that because we know each other can take it You know what I mean? Like and you saying that and I'm and I'm just kind of thinking I'm thinking too because something that I've been really in my head about lately is the the The double standards, right the hypocrisy the double standards in the community people doing the same thing as me or worse And nothing happens, right And then when you put it in words like that I look at it. I'm like, oh well that person They might have a complete break if people came at them And whereas like you're saying I'm this big loud kind of in-your-face kind of guy It's maybe it makes more sense to take that out on me Well, you know, it's interesting You give people to say in people's minds. They're thinking I got a lot of anger I'm I'm cruising for a bruising, you know, I I you know, I I'm not you know I could I suppose I could go full-on steam and just Jam my head into the wall, but I'm looking for a fight. You know, you'll see this a lot of bars I'm looking for a fight. I don't care who I want to get into a fight And and you look at chris and you say He looks like he could take it people are afraid of hurting your feelings And one of my challenges is people are afraid of hurting my feelings Oh, we don't want to hurt you dr. Goes. Oh, you're so loved Oh kind and I know they're holding back And so sort of in my evolution You know, there is a part of me that comes from a softer kind or non-brash way But I'm looking to adjust that and maybe even Play my alter ego my maybe maybe the non awful part of my maybe the asshole part of me It's very freeing when I play the asshole part of me But I think it also frees other people to be angry at me. A lot of people have trouble being angry. Oh, he's so nice I went away to be a oh, and he's he's there for me. How can I you know? And the point is if there are choices. Oh, I don't I don't want to upset dr. Goes then he's so nice and the only other choices from beat the out of themselves or kill themselves I mean, I you know, I I'd rather you get it out on me Uh Yeah, so like I actually have merch that says tough love. I was kind of known as the tough love guy So do you think I've given people permission to just Fire off at me. That's something else that just came to mind Well, you know, I think it's uh, I think we've handled it is is is I want to vent If I if I vent at my kids In this day and age, they're going to report it to their teacher and we're going to you know Child protective services are going to be calling me, you know, if I say it to my spouse Who just drives me crazy? Oh, I'm abusive. And so if I say it at work I'm going to get fired and I need the job So I'm cruel. Oh, I know the great place road rage Road rage road rage is the place to where I can let it out to some to some Anonymous person everything I'm feeling pissed off about Or I can let it out at chris Because he can take it back to something about chris. He has this eating grin. He seems to like it Chris is sort of saying hit me with your best shot You gotta change it. You get this big smile that invites someone to smack you with their words Of course people are gonna send you hate stuff because they get such relief Yeah, so so to kind of wrap this thing up Like when I talk to you It makes sense and it clicks What would what advice would you give to me when people Are doing this because I know I look like this tough Manly man with my grin and I joke around and make fun, but I'm sensitive on the inside mark So what suggestion do you have for me? to just to deal with it because Chances are I'm not changing too much, right? Like I'm still going to be being loud, you know and stuff like that and How could I deal with it better? By the way, I just want to say this before you give me this amazing advice I've been using your 72 hour rule from talking crazy. I've been using that so much My girlfriend could attest to that Like I get a crazy idea and I want to snap at somebody or make a response video or say something really angry And I'm like give it 72 hours I even put a reminder in my phone calendar For three days for three days, but how do you recommend I deal with it being the person that Invites letting people know what you say now. You can even say I'm following doctor's orders Here is a directive to all the people who hate me and I look at them like this Do I got your attention? I imagine I do Here's my challenge to you if you hate me because I know I've done really very little to you except annoy you I'll make a deal with you If you have the choice of hating me now don't come and set my house on fire But if you have the choice of hating me Or hating someone close to you Or hating someone at work and getting yourself fired or even hating yourself And ending up dead I'd rather you hate me Have at me Maybe I'll maybe I'll make a A quick little snippet of that and just have the internet just save it keep it on them You know, but that you know, it's it's interesting too because I developed, you know, these these venting strategies for people trying to get sober And something I learned about myself through my own anger management is that the brain like you were talking about it wants to vent It wants to get this anger out But oftentimes it's misdirected, right? Like for example, maybe you get pissed off at work and you take it out on your kid or your spouse or whatever, right? So you're not angry at that person. You're angry at something else So what I would tell my clients is is like if you need to vent vent at me Call me text me Let it out because you'll feel better and you won't take it out on the person That that you'll hurt in your life and I'm I'm gonna do my best to try to adopt that mindset almost like I'm instructing these people like Like exactly what you just said like take it out on me. Don't take it out on yourself. Don't take it out on So here's your tip and vent. This is the advanced step to the 72 hour hold So for people listening what the 72 hour hold is and on the shrink We used to put people in 72 hour holds if we thought they were going to hurt someone of themselves in 72 hours, they would sort of calm down and With I mean meds help but a lot of times you keep someone from hurting themselves or someone else, you know The tropical storm is going to leave So chris has been doing that and apparently he finds it sort of helpful. Here's the advanced training This is going to take a while. So the first thing is you say to yourself. Don't make it worse for 72 hours But here's the advanced thing you say to yourself chris Take the hit and try to feel the hurt Take the hit and try to feel the hurt Because see a lot of your anger is a way of avoiding hurt fear vulnerability Probably because there's a part of you that says if I went on channel really deep Well mark and one of the reasons I don't want to feel hurt Fear and vulnerability is between between you and me and the internet. It's a part of me that thinks I'm crazy Down deep that I'm not glued together I'm doing pretty well Much better than I used to but there's a part of me that doesn't want to play russian roulette Because I don't know what it is but down deep I can talk tough But I think there's something seriously wrong with me And I don't want to screw around with it and I don't want to deep dig deep into the hurt and the fear the paranoia Because I'm doing pretty well. Am I a healed human being? Hell no Am I coping better than I ever have? Yes Coping better than you ever have ain't a bad ain't a bad second Would I like to heal? Would I like to feel solid? Would I like to feel calmer? Sure, but you know Like you said, it's a work in progress and you're right when I feel a wounded animal is the most dangerous animal but Why because that wounded animal thinks the next wound is going to kill it and and that way down as soon as that wound happens That animal goes hurt fear panic. They don't feel any hurt fear panic They attack and that's too much who I am So I'll I'll listen to what you were saying because I've got the 72 hour thing You know, don't make it worse, but let me see, you know, that might be a tougher one to swallow Take the hit and feel the hurt. I understand that intellectually I feel you're right I don't particularly want to do it mark, but I have a feeling it would be good for me Maybe I could be a role model. I mean I got a lot of people that believe in me Whether I'm credentialed or not So I just might try that Yeah, I definitely need to do it. I've been I just like meditation is usually my go-to and it's just been Extremely hard hard recently like when you say like feel it Like feeling it is me embracing what it feels like in me, right? Not attaching to those thoughts Okay, we're gonna do rent a mentor. I'm Lay it on me Okay, you know and I've said the mentors and mentors were put on this earth to do a better job than our parents did You know and our parents were okay, but mentors They're put on this earth to do a better job than our parents did and and so here's what you do and I do it every time I'm on a An interview and I feel oh I went on too long Oh You know my stories were too long. Oh, I talked too slow And what happened is like I get into a pissing match with one of my dead mentors And I'll say oh I can't believe how I was with chris, you know, I mean You know, he may not have credentials But I do and I think I dropped the f-bomb at least a half a dozen times I mean what the f-bomb was I thinking and what happens is I let my dead mentors talk me down They say mark What did chris think did he think you bombed? No, I actually think he thought it was pretty good And so What are you so upset about? Well, I'm not polished. I'm not academic I see and and they would say but mark people relate to you if you were those other things they wouldn't relate to Yeah, yeah, but you know when I you know, probably why you don't hang out with others like hiatris and whatever when I'm with them It's you know, I feel like I'm a fraud. I'm the only one in this room who has never gone to an opera You don't seem like the opera type though mark But the point is so I invite you to use me With this new assignment Because I'm saying take the hit and feel the hurt. I want you to say mark one ringing dingy I'm calling you open my mind. You know, what's this about chris? This is really mark Take a hit and fiender I've never swallowed such bullshit 20 years You know, it's a good thing you were tired from the profession You know, that's not in the dsn 93 manual for procedures and whatever I looked at Take their hit and feel hurt Is wrong with you mark. And so have at me in your head deal I like that. I like that idea. I can see you're licking your lips. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm gonna try it And then when we do our next Our next interview slash session I'll let you know how that's going But I personally gained a lot from this and I can't thank you enough So, yeah, every everything is going to be linked down again below. All right, everybody And make sure that you go check out the stay alive video Um, it's amazing. It's broken up into pieces now I actually watched the whole thing all the way through to get the you know, get it all in Um, but yeah, that'll be linked down below and We'll see you soon mark Take care my friend