 created by Cy Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane. I found out I'm carrying insurance against loss of property, loss of life and loss of health. But I'm still not insured for loss of mind. That's what I need living with my friend Irma. You wonder why I'm concerned? Well, I'll tell you. The other day I was reading an article and I said, Hey, listen to this, sweetie. Archaeologists are searching for the missing arms of Venus de Milo. And Irma said, Well, it's about time maybe if they fix it up they'll have a better chance of selling it. You tell me all about it. All right, goodbye. Oh, Jane, that was Ellen. And you know what he said? What? It won't be long before I have a mint coat. What did he do? Get a job as night watchman in a fur warehouse? Oh, no, Jane. He's managing a prize fighter and he's going to make a lot of money. Oh, sure. He was going to make a lot of money when he organized that hockey team. And what happened? Well, that wasn't his fault. He had to buy them uniforms. Yeah. So he hopped their ice skates. Well, he got them back. And they all got pneumonia playing in their underwear. You know, Irma, you might as well face it. Al is never going to make a living with all of this scheming. Oh, you can talk all you want to, but my Al loves me. And someday he's going to wind up sitting on top. On top of the electric chair. The first place. What does Al know about prize fighting? Well, he had a chance to pick up a lot of pointers. He told me that from the day he was born, his mother and father started fighting. What a shame after the damage was done. Nothing's problem. Just you don't go building yourself up. The only reason he's become a prize fight manager is because he hopes someday somebody will throw in the towel and he can run down to the Turkish bath and sell it. Hey, Mrs. O'Reilly. Girls, I must tell you the news. I'm on the entertainment committee for a charity affair. We are trying to raise money for the widows and orphans of the fire department. Didn't you put on a show for them last year? Yes, but this year I'm having trouble finding talent. If I could only figure out something real special as the main attraction. Last year I had a sword swallower. You tried to get him again this year? Oh, I couldn't. The poor man had a horrible accident on his last performance. Well, what happened? Well, he just swallowed a large sword when somebody threw him a bouquet of golden rod. He started to sneeze and before you could say the sound height, the whole act was gone to pieces. It's only me, Professor Kropatsky. Hello, Janey, Emma, and Mrs. O'Reilly, my three little pieces of furniture. You, Janey, with the charm of an old-fashioned spinner. Well, thank you, Professor. And, Emma, you, you have the cheerfulness of a spinning wheel. Oh, thank you. And you, Mrs. O'Reilly? Yes, Professor. Old wash tub. I understand you. Last night you were such a gentleman when you took me to the movies. Uh-huh. Well, that was different at the movies. I took you to the movies because the black crook was playing and I wanted to have a large sack along in case he dropped some of the loo. That's enough of your remarks. Here I'm working with fingers to the bone trying to help the widows and orphans of firemen. And you had to come around here insulting me. No, I'm sorry, Mrs. O'Reilly. So you're getting the firemen's show together again, huh? Is there anything I can do for your charity? Well, I don't know. Well, I can play the violin and that's a guarantee that the widows and the orphans will have something to eat because when I get through, the stage is always covered with vegetables. Oh, Professor, stop kidding. You play beautifully. You certainly do. And since I'm chairman of the entertainment committee, you can consider yourself hired. Well, tell you what, you can follow me after I sing. I'm one condition. You've got to lock all the doors before you sing, so I'll have an audience. Oh, stop making with them cracks. I have, you know, I'm in beautiful voice. What are you going to sing, Mrs. O'Reilly? Well, I thought I'd open with the Indian love call and close with a swanee river. Yeah, that's good. After they hear you sing the Indian love call, it'll be very nice to have a river handy so they can drown themselves. I've got bigger problems than this to talk about. If I don't find a big attraction to bring in the crowds, we won't make any money. No, wait, wait, I got it. You have? Sure. Have signs made announcing a death-defying act where a high diver blindfolded will climb a ladder and then do a backflip into a barrel of water 200 feet below. Oh, that sounds sensational. Who's going to do it? You. Would I break me, Nick? Well, that's all right. That's only for one performer. I'm only kidding, Mrs. O'Reilly. You can count on me to play the fiddle and I'll also be glad to tell fortune. Well, that's fine, but I still need something for the main attraction. How about an animal act? Yeah, yeah. You might get Al to put his head in the lion's mouth. Oh, James. So we could sprinkle Al's head with pepper. Won't that make the lion's knee? Yeah, but it's only for one performer. Oh, Mrs. O'Reilly. Maybe my girlfriend Amber Lipscott could do something under your charity show. Amber? Yeah, she's a lady wrestler, you know. Oh, that would be fine. I'll call her up right now. See, I sure hope she's home. I'll let a charity show tomorrow night. Will you wrestle last night? Did you win? Oh, you got a split decision. Well, why don't you have it sewed up and come anyway? Make it. She has to be in court tomorrow. She broke the referee's arm. Well. Oh, folks. Hiya, chicken bunny and mushy. Thanks, Al. Hello, everybody. Loose the next world's champ. I love you too. When can I stop with tickles my nose? Mushy, you do what I tell you to do. You sign a contract making me your manager. Yeah, I know Al, but when I sign that contract, you held your hand over the words. Oh, I was only trying to protect you. Didn't want you to ruin your eyes. Besides, it's just a regular managerial contract. Then how come I gotta do your laundry? I had claws in to keep you in training. Oh, gee. I didn't know Mushy was a prize fighter. Did you ever fight before? No. You know how to defend yourself? No. Do you know how to punch? No. Then why do you want to be a fighter? I want to be in television. Oh, to Mushy. He doesn't know anything about fighting. Yeah, I'm a little worried about that too. Now, Mushy, don't go getting scared. Didn't I see I teach you everything I know? Believe me, you can't get hurt. I can't? Positively not. Then how come the Blue Cross Hospital plans turns on my application? Just keep practicing everything I taught you. You got to be champ. I have his first fight, Al. Well, you see, now that's my problem. Murdering Mushy ain't got no reputation, so it's hard to get about for him. Well, Al, I've got a wonderful idea. I'm putting on a charity show, and Mushy could be the main attraction. Hey, that could be a thought. I would give the promoters a chance to see my boy in action. Who would he fight? We could get Mike Flanagan, the heavyweight champion of the fire department. Hey, I don't want to get into doing with the champion. What do you mean, champion? This guy's an amateur. Well, what good does that do me? Simple, Mushy. When you're in the ring with this guy and you get in trouble, you yell fire. And while he's looking around for a pole to slide down, slug him. But what if it's a cruel slum and he comes back and kills me? Mushy, this is for a great cause. For widows and children. Anyone who would rather live is a coward. Oh, I'm sorry, Al. I feel like a schmold. Okay, Mrs. O'Reilly, it can arrange the fight. Oh, I'll get busy right away. Everybody, where's Mushy? Oh, it's Libby, my favorite brand of tomato. And I don't mean juice. Libby, you're going to be real. Proud of you, boyfriend. Well, as long as he can learn to duck. And if anything happened to his gorgeous face. Oh, gee, I ain't that pretty, Libby. That's the way your nose turns. What been doing, Libby? Mushy's in training. He's got a car all this year running around. You mean I can't even have a date with him? No, sir. Remember, Mushy, Dames has ruined many a man. Yeah, but it's such fun going to the drugs. I forbid you see another laugh to the fight. Now, remember what I told you? What's that? Well, upstairs the prize fighters, I go automobile, and you got to keep it in condition. Oh, I guess that's why he sleeps in my room, and I got to sleep in the garage. Well, Mushy, we're off to the gym. And chicken, our future looks rosy. Does it, Al? Yep. So don't be surprised if I come home some night and give you a real championship belt. Look at me. I'd never talk to you again as long as I live. Social fund is going to do okay, because Mrs. O'Reilly has really outdone herself organizing things. You see, Irma has been put in charge of selling kisses. She's worked out a price list. She really has. She's got a price list, $5 for married men, $3 for single men, and a dollar for fellas with mustaches because Irma likes to be tickled, isn't she? These forms you're typing. Oh, I'm going to stack these up in the kissing booth. What for? In case anybody wants to open up the charge account. I was afraid of that. On second thought, honey, I think we should give Amber Lipscott the kissing booth. You know, she's had more experience. All right, Jane, but what can I do? Well, you run the orange juice dispenser. Oh, no, Jane, I don't like those machines. The last time I tried to work when I filled my sleeve three times and nothing went in the cup. Yeah. Oh, I guess you'd better run the hot dogs, Dan. No, I tried that last year at the show and I had so much trouble. Sweetie, I told you, you don't split the hot dog and try to shove the roll in. You split the roll and shove the hot dog. Oh, it's so complicated. Oh, honestly, why don't you just forget the whole thing, huh? No, Jane, this show is for widows and orphans, and I want to do my part. I know. We'll thank you, something. Wonder if Al got mushy in shape for the fight tonight. It's only me again. Goyles, you've got to come up on the roof. The roof, what for? The Al couldn't afford to take his fighter, murdering mushy to the gymnasium, so they are working out on our roof. What a sight. He's using the clothesline to jump rope with. And guess what? What? They fill the pair of Mrs. O'Reilly's bloomers with sand and they are using it for a punching bag. Oh, no, they still have a better shape than if Mrs. O'Reilly was in there. Oh, I want to watch them train. Let's go up there. Yeah, OK. I understand this Mike Flanagan is a real slugger. Oh, I hope mushy doesn't get hurt. He's such a sweet guy. Oh, hi, folks. You're just in time to see my boy murder his mushy in action. OK, much time to skip rope again. Let's go. OK, Al. Where is the rope cut in two pieces? Well, he kept tripping over it, so we cut it in half. You know, he ain't too graceful. Yeah, but Al, look at the way he's dressed. His belt buckle comes right under his nose. Gradually, no matter where my boy gets punched, got to be a foul. OK, mushy, show the folks you're right cross. OK. There. That's well. Now show them you're left off a cut. Well, I don't like that punch, Al. I knocked myself out three times already. I told you to keep your head back. But I got to see where my fist is going. Tell me, Jane, how is the ticket selling? Mushy, they're all sold out, and you're the main attract. Oh, that's wonderful. Tell me, does this money go to the U.F. Yeah, to the orphans. Oh, that's nice. I love orphans. You know, I would be an orphan if it wasn't for my mother and father. This guy's punchy already. Thanks, Jane. Al, can I have a couple of hours rest? I'm tired. All right, mushy, go home and rest. But remember, no dames. Stay away from Libby. Can't I even get a good luck kiss, woman? Ah, ah. Kiss and weakens a man. All right, I never do that. Scientific thanks. Well, be good to fight tonight. Instead of shaking hands, maybe I should kiss him. I almost forgot. Goodbye, Al. And this is a wonderful thing you're doing. Chicken, I'd do anything for you, anything. You see, Jane, he loves me. How about a kiss, chicken? No, Al. No more kissing. Well, why not? Well, you said kissing weakens a man. So what? Well, your lips are in your head, and I wouldn't want to make you weaker there. Finish what I'm doing? No. I want you to take a letter to the... What's burning? Your coat. My coat. None of this happened. Well, you told me to get your fountain pen, it was so dark in your pocket, I couldn't see, so I let him act. I wish I could do the same with you. Now, get your dictation book. Okay. Dear Mrs. Hartman, in regards to the litigation involving your divorce, your husband has agreed to drop all claims and debts against your joint property. You got that? I think so. Read it back to me just to make sure. Um, dear Mrs. Hartman, your husband agrees you can get lit on your vacation. I haven't finished in any joint as long as you drop debt on the property. What is this? What is the matter with that brain of yours? It's mushy. It's mushy? I never knew concrete could be mushy. It's mushy as Al's boyfriend and he's going to fight for charity tonight. Well, what's that got to do with it? Well, if he wins, my Al will become a real fight manager, maybe he'll have enough money to get married. Oh, I'm so excited. I haven't been able to concentrate all day. Yes, I know you haven't been able to concentrate. My humidor is all filled with pencils. Pencils? Yes. Now, where did you put my cigars? Oh, I must have sharpened them. That doesn't, I'll get out of here. Come on, Professor, follow me. I'm right with you. What a crowd. Yes. How do you like the badge I'm wearing? It says, Mr. Ceremonies. How do you like that all the time I thought it said missing from the cemetery? Be quiet. Come on into this office with me. Oh, hi, folks. Hello, Al. We're all sold out. Isn't that thrilling? Come in. Hey, you're all dressed up. What's the idea of wearing your brown suit? I'm running the candy booth and I thought it would go well with the chocolate bars. I've sold four boxes already. Good. I hope you got the prices right. Of course I did. Five cents if it's plain and ten cents if you're nuts. Plain and ten cents with nuts. Al, is Mushy ready? Can't find the guy. What? Told him to be here a half an hour ago. Oh, Al, why didn't you keep an eye on him? Now, wait a minute, Jane. Don't pick on me. I got as much at stake as the rest of you. Spend all my time training and teaching him everything I know. Besides, I've got all my dough on Plannigan. Oh. No idea where he might be. Well, he usually goes to the aquarium to pick up a few extra bucks. The aquarium? Yeah, see, they have a seven-legged octopus and he bets strangers how many legs an octopus has. Well, why don't you call the place? Well, he don't go there no more. He went broke last week. They switched octopuses without telling them. Well, the fight's supposed to start in ten minutes. Maybe that's him now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come in. Oh, everybody. Oh, Mushy, what happened to your arm? What's it doing in a sling? Well, I might as well confess, I broke training. Me and Libby went to Coney Island this afternoon and when we went through the tunnel of love, I put my hand out for a left pain. Tunnel of love? What were you doing in a tunnel of love? Well, you told me the kissin' weakens a man. So I figured if I was in the dark place, I couldn't see what was happenin' to me. But as your manager, I told you to stay away from the dames. I can't help it, Al. I like jail. There's somethin' about him that makes him so different and felon. Now what are we gonna do? The place is sold out and they're waitin' to see the fight. Yeah, Al, what are we gonna do? Wait a minute. Don't look at me. Why not? You said you knew all about fighting, all the tricks. Why don't you take his place? Who, me? Yes, it's for widows and orphans, Al. You can't get hate. That's what you told me. Oh, shut up! Sorry, Jane, can't do it. Al, you said you'd do anything for me, anything. Okay, chicken, I said it and I mean it. Then you're gonna get in there and fight? Indirectly. Now, Professor, when he thinks with his right, you cross with your left. Me? I will not get a fellow gypsy. Planigan, a gypsy? How do you know he didn't change his name? Look, Al, there's only one man here that's gonna climb into that ring with Planigan. Mrs. O'Reilly, hand me your hatpin. No, no, no, Jane! No, no, no, no, no! Planigan, the champion of the fire department and pin cushion Al, the champion of the fool room. Here we go. Planigan comes out of his corner. Al comes out of his corner. Now Planigan pulls back his right. Now he lets it go. He didn't love me. Look how content he looks lying there in my lap. Presentation of the United States Armed Forces Radio Service The Voice of Information and Education.