 What's happening guys here we are with our TSL men's development presentation and this one is everything that you know about porn and masturbation is wrong now it's kind of a bold statement so perhaps if you are on our wavelength it isn't wrong but this is going to kind of go against the grain of a lot of the different things that you thought but also get into a solution of how we've worked with guys who have had major major problems with porn with masturbation with sex addiction those are all kind of different things that that shouldn't be lumped together at one so we're going to dissect that now and it's going to get good so first thing first here guys is this is not the norm you know there's a lot of TED talks there's a lot of articles on porn on masturbation on sex addiction all these different things we're going to take a very very different look at this okay we're going to take a very different take on it and most likely this is going to be very different from what you've heard but that being said let me tell you a little bit about my background number one i'm not a scientist okay and that being said you know i've never done academic research or work or you know those types of things on this however at the same time let me just tell you most of the people who do those articles who give the talks i'm going actually argue that they're not really qualified to be talking about this themselves now number one you know for the last 10 years i've worked exclusively with men that's all i've done on all sorts of different stuff this is a huge topic and the whole 10 years this has been a major topic porn masturbation sex addiction and i've also worked with people on chemical addiction so that means chemical dependency drug and alcohol substance abuse and all that sort of stuff that also being said i myself and what i would consider a sex addict and we'll get into the differences between just a guy that's a little bit confused about you know some sexual issues and true sex addiction i'm also a drug addict i'm in recovery of all those things i've also found really healthy ways to live in terms of love sex relationships and in terms of you know being free of drug and alcohol dependency at least for now at least for today but that all being said the sad part about a lot of the information that we hear about this is it doesn't take into account some of the problems that people who really have these problems like real sex addiction or real drug addiction and the differences of drug addiction and sex addiction into account when they're breaking down a lot of this material and sadly a lot of this material sounds good it's great but as we're going to point out here it follows the same hysteria like bullet tagline stuff that has always been associated with sex always been associated with masturbation and also uh you know we don't discuss it too much here in the breakdown of this webinar but that's been associated with a lot of the drug hysteria and the different epidemics that come into play with that um so that being said why am i sharing all this right okay so first off it's for a few reasons number one the first thing is is that you know most of the information about porn about sex about addiction is misinterpreted misinterpreted or it's incomplete okay now a lot of it could be right to a certain degree and we're not really arguing that you know you can't really argue with certain sorts of stats but the interpretation of those and the the ways that it runs with it are just there they get all screwed up you know and it's talked about and explained to science you know it's touted in these ways but it it the reason why it can't be science is because it's not true you know it just the the way that it works out the way that these things play out whether it's the solution or the problem are not really articulated well by these people and it's not actually what happens again this is where we have a tremendous amount of experience on this okay the second thing is is if somebody really is a sex addict if somebody really has that like that compulsive obsessive behavior you know towards sex getting sex using sex making it a part of their life you get into some pretty crazy spots that if you take the advice of what you hear on a lot of these TED talks and we'll get into the specifics of those but like the withholding and the boundaries around sex and the you know no masturbation or sexual contact for 90 days you know don't watch porn or whatever if you do those things and you only do it the way that they explain it you will end up worse and that is something that I've seen over and over again it's really screwed up it's it's actually terrible I hate it it's that is really the main reason why I'm doing this because so many of my friends who go on that route whether they work with an inexperienced sexual therapist or they kind of like tutor themselves with watching stuff online they just dig themselves deeper in a hole and you don't have to it's really it's really kind of messed up the third is is this is not a porn and sex addiction problem but it's actually a cultural problem that we have with sex that's super important okay so you know and let's not jump to extremes extremes here this always happens when you bring it up it's like it's like well wait a minute you're saying porn is good and da da da well you know I'm not saying it's bad I'm not saying it's the only problem if you have a problem with sex and porn and and using your time in those ways or sexual dysfunctions and so on as a result of you know your sexual behaviors porn is not the problem it's you and it's how you view sex which does come from our culture and that is really the thing that we need to fix and man if we are focusing and blaming uh like one thing or maybe a few you know hot topic like tagline things we're really missing the point of it all it's really a bummer okay now that being said guys this is going to be long this is a long presentation and we really cover a lot of things in it so i'm gonna apologize in advance if you do just want to kind of cut to the chase on this there's an article that breaks all this down that this presentation is based off of okay you can find that and you can also listen to a shorter version of an audio breakdown of this at thesexuallife.com slash porn so there you can get an article you can get the podcast you can find different ways to interact with what we broadcast here at TSL and at our different groups like Austin men's development and so on and and how to interact with the solution that we're talking about here i'm also going to say that this webinar is purely information i mean obviously i have a business i've run a business but one thing that i really want to say and this is an interesting thing when you look at a lot of the propaganda that comes out about drug addiction is that there's so much that is that is linked to big business to self profit to all these different things that that kind of pollute the message now don't get me wrong i have a business that may you know kind of skew the way things go but all the addiction work that i do is has always been for free it's always been volunteer based and man it's really good stuff so if you want to plug in to some of those free groups if you want to look at some of the more specific courses that we have that are paid you can find that all at thesexuallife.com slash porn and also listen to the podcast podcast and article and so on and plug into some good stuff man there's if you're having a problem with this there's truly a solution there sit down listen to it interact with it be open-minded towards it and commit to it uh if if you like what you hear because it's some good stuff all right so the things that we're going to cover here is we're going to cover masturbation we're going to cover porn we're going to cover sexual dysfunction what starts it and the different variants of it and then also what maintains it this is stuff that isn't talked about okay we're going to talk about who actually uses porn we're actually going to talk about who gets sexual dysfunction as well so how that actually manifests in the different types of people and kind of personality types or situations that people walk into that develop it we're also going to talk about the proposed solution and then we're going to talk about what really works okay so that's why this is going to be so long and it's so jam packed so bottom line here guys I have had a men's development business for 10 years we focused on dating and sex is a huge part of that you're always going to when you're working with guys in one of the common questions or the common questions that come up or common topics that come up just almost incessantly I'd say that kind of is a bad thing but it's not I mean it's good we should be talking about this there's such a demand to really talk about these things uh there are things like sexual performance anxiety premature ejaculation sexual dysfunction in terms of not being able to get it up not being able to maintain an erection had a lot of class longer the no FAP movements which is like the no masturbation movement how to control your masturbation how to control your porn use or overcome these problems these are things that are always being talked about in different groups of men and they're massive and there's so much misinformation on it and really for it to be like credible information it's got to have experience experience with guys getting better at this I see so much exchange and this is with all things and we're actually just talking about this before the call but fitness another big topic for men it's always going to be health and fitness diet nutrition all those different things fighting martial arts that's a big one you know obviously dating and sex purpose and career you know how to develop your lifestyle there's so much information on these but if you do not have a group or a solid track record of people getting results and becoming happy with this it's it's useless it's information that isn't tested it's information that sounds good and it's information that's kind of sold and basically it's propaganda and not really something that's going to help you so let's get into the stuff that will help you so first off there's the nature of sex so the sexual life is a company that I founded way back when and now it's become a group in a community that is a bunch of people and a bunch of guys who are actually live on this webinar with me and man just it's a mind of its own but one of the things that holds us together is we want to get into the nature what is the natural expression of our body our minds and connection and when we get into connection there's our social connection there's our sexual connection so one of the greatest things that we have is a sexual expression it's beautiful it's awesome it's what we are born to do but what's interesting is for millennia so for thousands of years culture has tried to regulate that suppress it and anything that has to do with sex sexual behavior sexual relationships culture tries to control that and reshape it so much to the point where it can totally cut it out where it can enforce it in different ways and one thing one thing that has been true is that sex always wins so even with the consequence of eternal hell that you and your being so if your culture propagates this which there have been many cultures that have and still do that if you have sex in ways that are you know not right according to that culture you will be screwed for eternity not just this life but every life guess what happens people still have sex in those ways so what we have to look at actually is how are people having sex what are the real realities of how people have sex and then what are these cultural you know kind of reactions to people having sex and what are these rebellions but what's the true nature of sex and we want to get into that okay masturbation is part of the nature of sex no matter how much we try and control it no matter how much culture says it's right or wrong or how we should do it man it's going to fucking happen it is going to happen and think about these things you know it's the same old story about uh you know whatever culture you're in or you know household or maybe you know religion that you're a part of there's a regulation towards masturbation much like you know all things sexual or all things bad if you do it you're gonna go blind you're gonna get hairy palms you're gonna go to hell you know you're you're screwed forever you'll lose your masculinity and let's look at some of these more modern day ones if you masturbate you're gonna release too much energy you're going to lose testosterone you're gonna develop bad habits one of the things that was actually said in like the 70s or 80s is that you'll develop like a psychotic behavior guess what that was also said in the 30s that was also said in the 40s but how is that being said now you know you're going to develop qualities where your synapses aren't firing right or your neuropathways are screwed up or whatever it is but you're going to develop a psychological disorder due to masturbation and here's these CAT scans and MRIs to prove it but again it's not looking at the overall complex thing and one thing that I always talk about on other calls and if you're a part of our member site you can access a lot of this information is that you know like our neuropathways are brain and that's a theory in itself but how our brain works and communicates different forms of communication and interaction and reading people was not meant for this much stimuli in any form all right so things like empathy things like connection things like rapport things like making friends are all a distortion from what we've had and we're really in overload with that and have a lot of social dysfunctions because of it so again we got to we got to look at the nature of it what's the nature of being social and hey you can watch my myth of the alpha male speech at the 21 convention if you want to find out more about that so either way it is we're still running into all these big big like you know warnings about masturbation okay and here we get into another slide about masturbation it's one of the most normal things you can do in fact this is one thing that we talk about heavily at what we do here in our TSL communities and our men's development communities is that in order for you to have a good sex life in order for you to be sexually healthy sexually healthy in your mind in your body in your overall expression your ability to have relationships masturbation is included in that you've got to be able to do it okay and when you masturbate this is what happens you have different thoughts when you're sexually activated whether that's through yourself through masturbation or you're with somebody else you're going to think differently you're going to get a hyper focus on on sex you're going to you know even compulsively seek it to a certain degree you're going to perhaps think dirtier thoughts or bad thoughts things that you would never think about and the interesting thing is when you're an environment that doesn't talk about sex where you know we kind of repress the sexual message then guess what that's a good way to build secrets that's a good way to build isolation that's a good way to create shame and when you have isolation isolation alone man I say isolation and shame here but when you have isolation you create a man you create disconnect you create the inability to have empathy towards something and something so powerful that everybody feels is sex this something is and what we're going to learn here is that this stuff that we all feel you feel it I feel it we might have some different unique things to it but none of us are talking about it so we think it's like this weird thing that we've all done and maybe you could build up a lot of shame but man when you have isolation that is what sets up disorder and dysfunction that is that is isolation and isolatory thoughts are the real you know villain behind like things like addiction and so on and connection dissolves that it's a very cool thing okay so we're in a society and culture that doesn't talk about sex but the thing is is we do talk about sex we talk about it all the time and this is going to come into play a little bit later when we talk about the solution and developing groups where you do talk about this here's how we talk about sex okay we don't talk about it in a way where it's a personal experience and something real to us we talk about sex in terms of information so we talk about oh I read this article about sexual health and this is what you're supposed to do and so and so and I have kind of found some experience with this but we're still detached from it okay we talk about sex as a joke as we do all the time man you get a bunch of and there's nothing wrong with this you know we're going to do this these are all natural expressions and experience but we have to get into the real stuff too but man if I'm ever talking about sex I never stop joking about it it's a funny thing for me man it's one of those things that I've always done but it's not real it's not connection and it's not my real expression we share judgment about sex that's huge man this is right this is wrong when people do this fuck them they're bad that's rape culture that's uh you know and actually let's talk about that we make sex so much about different extremes in order to see it not just on the feminist side but also on the men's movement side where it's like we have to be alpha we have to take what's ours no it's sex is normal sex is like hey what's going on sex has more to more in common with hey what's going on like hey nice to meet you then it would be like I gotta build myself up to do this or I gotta build myself up to hate this or control it so we talk about um taking on the roles that sex gives us um we talk about getting involved to different sexual movements kind of like the feminist stuff or the ultra you know men's movement stuff that doesn't really get into connection and what it is all about so what we really need to do is start being able to have conversations that are open about what sex is so the personal conversation about sex that we're missing so much in our culture man and this is really if we're gonna look at a problem that we can fix and work on and not as a problem as blaming other individuals but the problem that you that me that we could solve right now and kind of talk about it and learn to talk about it more in your life and how you can experience and clean your house and your side of the street rather than looking at everybody else's is let's think about the last time we had a personal conversation about sex the personal conversations that we have about sex happen when we're in a relationship when we start having sex or things get too serious or there's a problem or maybe we we have to go to therapy for something or we have to confide in a friend because something happened we got an std or you know so-and-so cheated on us we don't know what to do and then we're starting to have personal conversations about sex something that is so normal so natural something that is our instinctive expression and one of the you know hindering parts of this is that it actually happens you know in puberty or you know when we're 10 12 9 you know 15 whatever different ages that you know we've already learned our social communication by then and now this new wave happens but by then we're intermixed into a culture that is already kind of saying man this isn't the best thing to talk about and then the thought just the thought of bringing up yourself sexually jesus christ that's terrifying what can happen i mean if we bring ourselves up sexually dude we have all sorts of consequences we could get our reputation ruined we could get taglined as a misogynist we could get uh you know we could get hurt more if we bring up something vulnerable and are judged for we can get made fun of for it you know all sorts of different things can be misinterpreted so we're afraid to talk about it now we have taken this extremely normal thing that is a part of being a human that is one of your greatest qualities and we've made it totally abnormal and dependent upon exaggerations extremes and novelties just to experience it okay man that is one of the big parts of where we're going wrong with a lot of this and that's also where we got to we've got to look for a solution in it okay so now let's talk about porn man the great enemy of men women and sexual health all right so porn has been around a long time let's actually just first establish that stag films print magazines erotic literature and then moving into video porn video porn when we had to plug in the vhs movies and all those sorts of things they're going to the going to the video store and behind those barn doors man that was always where the good stuff was and then then the internet age came along and made porn super accessible and easy to find view and consume okay so porn has always had hysteria around it it's always had hysteria much like masturbation has had a lot of hysteria around it much like sex has had a lot of hysteria around it and these are ways that you know man it freaks us out so bad we don't know how to talk about it so we talk about it in terms of panic it's one of the worst ways to find a solution i get it that panic happens and i fall into panic and i get all pissed off and fucked up about things but man that is not how we find our solutions in our equilibrium so basically look check this out you know like we hear a lot of stuff about porn but here's the kicker guys we've always heard this about porn okay so we hear porn is an act of violence it's an act of abuse it's an act of abuse towards women towards men towards the women and men who consume it the women and men who do it uh it destroys women's sexuality it destroys men sexually it's a sign of a psychological disorder you know people that get involved in it are bad people that watch it people that do it and so on it it makes me a bad person porn is ruining your life we hear this all the time porn is a it causes sexual dysfunction these things are not just recently being said they've always been said about porn they've always been propagated in these different ways actually remember you know the first time like i saw porn so we had porno mags when i was when i was younger and a kid threw the porno mag it was then like you know whatever grade like sixth grade or something or maybe even younger than that but he had one he had stolen it you know from his dad or whoever he got it right and we all knew you know we had it and we freaked out because we were kids because we were looking something bad it was so powerful like we we couldn't like like we're all lying to ourselves going oh man this is like cool but i don't need to look at it or whatever i remember they took it and they they were like angry at it and they threw it all right get the fuck get this thing out of my hand you know it's like this weird thing but we were all into it i just remember the obsession of saying i had to go to the bathroom just so i could go back in the bushes and find that porno mag in class this is just something that of like where that comes into play and this is interesting because uh we're not going to talk about this too much but one of the characteristics of addiction is obsession and compulsion well when we get into a sexual state we actually have a healthy uh feeling of obsession and compulsion that comes into play it's it's what happens man i didn't it's not a choice for us it's something that happens man we gotta we gotta we gotta cave to that that's good you know when we have a feeling of uh of sexuality we have to learn to think within it rather than work against it or think there's right or wrong ways of having it sex is an expression before it's a boundary and a boundary is only needed when we need to make rules and we've kind of screwed ourselves up around it okay so internet porn is ruining your life okay that's what we hear now and we hear a lot of different evidence towards this and it and it's really good man and a lot of it is true you know it's it's causing violence towards women it's causing an objectifying view towards women it's harming men's sexual lives it reroutes our brains you know it's something that is destroying families or whatever and people get like really dramatic about this stuff and there are some truths to this in fact we can very easily find evidence of of how this could be true for us or true for somebody that we know all right it's very easy it's like man porn is ruining your life people get consumed with it it makes you think of sex in the wrong ways it makes you think of your penis size in the wrong way it makes you think of pussy and tits it makes you think of women it makes you think of fucking in the wrong ways it reroutes your neural pathways all sort of stuff you can very easily find evidence for that okay in your life and it's actually interesting because the propagation of uh like the drugs and alcohol so like crack destroying cities it destroys people's lives i have personal experience where i mean shit my friends have died from doing crack uh crack is a fucked up drug it's a totally fucked up drug you know what's interesting about a lot of those things and the the propaganda that came out with if you look at the studies of those cities that where crack was hit the worst poverty was the same crime was the same domestic abuse was the same before crack but it made it real easy for us to have a war on drugs now that's a totally separate problem than the personal problem that somebody has with drug addiction and so on man we can see the same thing here with porn okay we have a lot of different evidence that is kind of incomplete that we've shown people that we can relate with and say is true and all of a sudden we have an enemy to blame an enemy to point the finger at and somebody to get some applause and like some sort of ted talk or you know whatever for you know some uh you know some adoration basically for coming up with this great idea but man i can tell you this from working in the solution or working with the guys and knowing it from myself and just knowing addiction in general it it's so wrong and so fucked up and actually harms people it makes them a lot worse so that being said look uh porn and sexual dysfunction okay we hear about this all the time the human body was not made for you know high fast speed internet streaming porn it was not made for that the neuro pathways you know are being rewritten and that makes it impossible for us to be able to have sex with a real human being with us and now there's all this dysfunction this massive amount if we show the graphs of sexual dysfunction okay if we show the graphs of what has happened you know once internet porn came up with younger men it's gone way up it's gone massively massively up okay so obviously you know this is clearly the problem okay but it's only part of the story okay um and we're gonna get into this here well in a little bit but um you know just really quickly that what's left out of that and what is and it's so interesting that this is portrayed as science that no doubt the sexual dysfunction has gone up in men in all sorts of different ways and nobody's ever super super specific about that and nobody's ever super super specific about the different types of people that are getting that dysfunction but no doubt it's gone up since internet porn but if you actually took the measurements of all the people watching porn which is massive amounts and all the people that that has affected it's a very small percentage and man nobody talks about that why because you can't make your fucking point with it it doesn't sound as good you don't have as much of a scapegoat with it so basically let's get into sexual dysfunction and let's talk about it as a normal thing first off let's just point this out every sexually active man has had a form of sexual dysfunction in his life so why are we calling it a dysfunction if it is a common thing if it's a phenomenon that happens and that happens at specific times why are we calling it a dysfunction and that is one of the big big problems with it and in what screws it all up so the common dysfunctions that happen and that we hear about and work with all the time are premature ejaculation sexual performance anxiety the inability to get an erection the inability to maintain an erection and then poor thoughts about sex like judgment violence anger evil thoughts towards women hate all those sorts of things okay with or without porn these dysfunctions will happen in your life they are normal occurrences so why are we calling them dysfunctions these are things that are going to happen that nobody talks about again we don't talk about sex we joke about it we make judgments about it we get all this you know crazy stuff about it but nobody personally talks about their sexual experiences and this is the shit that happens when these normal things happen they can really rattle us and totally fucks us up so porn makes them worse this is true okay if you have these normal dysfunctions or occurrences or phenomenons that happen once you start watching porn and getting used to it and all those sorts of things it can make those things worse but really it's not just there it's not just that that makes it worse okay it's not just the consumption of porn that can for certain individuals but a very specific set of individuals you know these are the people that that and we'll get into it may have had problems with sex may have had trauma maybe they have suffered from some addiction thing and they they in addiction isn't something that you're well people argue about this in our society and culture I agree it's something that you're born with but we weren't made or evolved to be drug addicts or have addictive personalities or it active our culture activates something and what you know our thought processes and that's how it starts um so here's the thing is what made these things worse before we had porn or before we had internet porn or before we had stag films and there were just stories and hieroglyphics about people fuck it or whatever is when there's cultures households or religions with poor views on sex and an attempt to confine sex with heavy consequences guess what all of these same problems get accentuated all these same problems like not being able to get it up which is normal that's going to happen to you if you're sexually active inability to ejaculate that's going to happen if you're sexually active at some point ejaculating too soon that's going to happen to you at some point all these different dysfunctions you're thinking poorly about sex and women and so on these are going to happen but they're going to be more intense if you grew up in a culture household or a religion where sex was not talked about and repressed and all sorts of different things um not that that's bad but that's just where you're at okay there's no judgment here so now let's talk about who watches porn we talked about this uh you know a little bit a couple slides ago but a lot of people watch porn okay massive amounts currently as i'm doing this i think like the porn sites are like 50th on the elexo rating which is like what rates all the websites but they used to be more man they used to be up there with like you know five or four like you know the top sites were all porn websites people watch porn okay but now let's get into this how many people watch a lot of porn all right there are tons of men and women who watch a lot of porn in fact that was one of the biggest revelations that i had when i was working in the dating scene and and really uh well i still work at the dating scene but really active in the dating scene when i wasn't in a relationship and settled down and stuff when i would talk to women there was actually one woman i mean this like hundreds of women that i had different relationships with uh there's only one there's only one that said that she had never watched porn and there were pretty much the rest of them that said they watched a lot of porn you could literally go up and open a girl and say hey i got a question it kind of says something about your personality type and i don't really judge about sex but like what's your favorite kind of porn do you like the really soft stuff or like the really crazy stuff and the crazy thing is is well most people think they like crazy stuff because nobody talks about sex so they all say that is it really crazy usually not but anyway the thing is is everybody watches porn so if everybody was watching porn that would mean that if porn was really ruining our lives we would have an overwhelming amount of men this wouldn't be like 10 percent which is a lot and and and it's not 10 percent who are running into these major sexual dysfunctions and we'll talk about that um it would be it would be a massive amount of men okay you know uh the statistics of somebody who tries like crystal methamphetamines or crack or heroin your and the percentages are different for those drugs but they revolve around 10 percent to 20 percent will develop a chemical dependency problem with those which is actually kind of low like we have this idea that you know 90 percent of people who try heroin will be addicted to it it's actually like 20 percent or somewhere around that number um who actually build up a physical need a mental need emotional need for that high and have it actually ruin their lives and become drug addicts and so on um but the thing is is that with porn we're not finding that those numbers match up and that's the shitty thing man when we see that j-graph of like sexual dysfunction has gone up no doubt it has why because it was already there and now we're making it worse okay and we'll get into that a little bit here in a second but man the numbers of people watching porn are far higher than that and they do not match okay now that's not the only hole in this and there's like some major holes especially when we get into the solution that's where the real real problem begins but man you know look basically if you're oh man porn sex problems your issues internally and those things that relate around sex have so much more to do with you personally and your cultural expression and that's where the solution is going to be found so let's look at this all right who is having these sexual dysfunctions all right so in order to look at this let's take just kind of a brief look at these things and i really wish that this was compartmentalized more in the kind of porn studies that they talk about and i'm sure they do have these but they just don't talk about them because it wouldn't add up into a lot of the different if they haven't it's really really harmful and it really pisses me off because i know so many guys who visited sex therapists and guys that are working on the cutting edge and all this sort of shit and they actually fuck themselves upwards but they never look at this okay and this is basically like let's look at who has sexual dysfunction who has the sexual problems with or without porn okay who has sustained sexual dysfunction okay so we talked about it like everybody's going to have these these periods of time and especially if you're young if you're a young man and you don't have a lot of sexual experience you're going to have a lot of performance issues you're gonna have performance anxiety you're not going to be able to get it up there's plenty of guys for me personally i was always able to get it up but i'd come too quick or i'd freak out or i'd get really angry about different things or i'd have different you know thoughts about sex that you know that that thought i was like oh my god i'm like into this violent like abusive horrible stuff i'm this horrible man but there's guys who build up anxiety around not being able to get it up or have that phenomenon happen that are inexperienced you know that won't be able to maintain an erection won't be able to get off or complete an orgasm and they really think there's something wrong with them okay those guys well we'll talk about this that has more to do with inexperience than actually like a problem that goes along with it now a sustained sexual problem that means it goes on for years that means it continues that means even after you've had some experience to overcome it it's it's still existing and it's really frustrating you don't know what you know where to begin with it and also we have to look at uh who had these problems before porn or internet porn existed when we can look at that we can actually find out okay well wait a minute what is the norm what is the real human expression so who has sexual dysfunction naturally that's when it happens and you know we uh it kind of goes away over time and when i say over time that may be six months that may be two years but this happens all the time okay man it's all the time guys who are 18 they're 24 and they come on our calls and they're like man you know i'm coming too quick i can't get it up i freaked out you know how do we do with this like i looked at all this stuff you know and it says i'm watching too much porn and anytime i google uh you know like sexual anxiety or inability to get it up or these types of things like man like it's saying that this is a problem i have an addiction and there's like all this guilt comes into play it's totally screwed up look this is normal this is what's gonna happen and more of how we're looking at this is that when you're 20 or you're 24 or you're just inexperienced and you haven't had a lot of experience with sex and women that this is a phenomenon and this is part of your sexual journey and it's great man it's cool and there's all sorts of different stuff we could talk about what you can do to help prevent those things we could talk about what you can do when you can't get hard and you're inexperienced and you're with a girl you could very easily say hey look i'm sorry there's other ways to have sex though like sometimes this happens my first time when i'm with somebody sometimes this happens when i don't know somebody or this never happens to me i don't know what's going on but you know let's find other ways to do it there's so many different ways to have sex that don't have to do with just a dick in a pussy or the things that we think sex is sex is so much more we'll talk about that as well and also sexually inexperienced men so let's say you're not a young man and let's say you're you're divorced but you didn't have sex to the last two or three four ten years of your marriage or whatever it is and you're out of it dude when you're back in the sexual game there's a lot of anxiety okay so what really causes this and it's terrible man when you're there and you're with a beautiful chick or you're with a girl that you should be turned on with and you want to have sex and it's just not happening you can be thinking all you want you can be doing all you want your dick is not going to go anywhere when you're you're in that mode and for whatever specific reasons it's happening man but it happens and it happens to everybody who's sexually active and especially a lot and consistently to men who are inexperienced or so young that they don't have that experience that guess what man is nothing you can do guess what happens you feel bad you feel inadequate you're like fuck does my dick work jesus christ okay i'm gonna go jerk off afterwards blah blah blah blah it's totally frustrating and it's very common to feel bad about it but we've got to get out of that judgment we've got to get out of that shame and we've got to start dialoguing and talking about how common this is especially with sexually inexperienced men and if you were ever on our calls you would know how common this is of a question okay so the more you freak out about it the worse you're going to make it all right you have got to realize that this is a normal thing there's plenty of stuff that you can do or say you know a lot of people say well then you can eat a pussy and give her an orgasm sure you can do that but don't do it because you think you need to somehow please her or make up for you not performing believe me she feels just as bad about you not being able to get it up as uh actually i was just talking to a waitress about this yesterday because we actually asked her how is the what's the fastest time you've made a man come and she was like oh man oh Jesus Christ that's really fast and she went on to this thing and she's like i can't say specifically because you know i just i don't know you guys well enough but then we actually asked her we said okay so what's worse not being able to come or coming fast and she's like not being able to come that's horrible and you can't make a guy come or you can't get her few it's it's a god man Jesus Christ so for her it affects her just as much she's not judging you for it in fact more than anything sadly she's judging herself so that's a really shitty thing you're in a bedroom you can't perform or she can't perform or whatever and then both of you guys judge each other rather than work through it and communicate and connect and find different ways to express sexuality sucks so we're going to categorize and title that one is those who have sexual dysfunction that's a natural phenomenon so really it's not a dysfunction it's something that happens okay so who has sustained sexual dysfunction all right so who has sustained sexual dysfunction in the era of porn okay these are men who are inexperienced but then because they're an experienced and they have those natural problems they build up a heightened anxiety about sex this happens no big deal man if that's you look we're not judging you it happens to so many different guys and now there's tons of reasons for that happening now more than ever um with just people talking about the hysteria around sex and how crazy it is because along with porn on the rise that's on the rise too we've always had hysteria around sex but now it's like Jesus Christ it's everywhere say something about sex and like you're vilified for life it's funny because the sexual life the site that I founded which is not porn actually comes up as a porn site when you're looking in libraries and so on when it's actually sharing good information about like sexual health and men and all that sort of stuff okay so uh also people who've experienced trauma when it comes to sex so if you've had trauma in your life which I mean I have I mean Jesus I mean that was one of the places where I started from like no big deal it's all good you know you're you're you're welcome you're able to express you're able to actually have a good sex life that doesn't mean that you're going to have a bad sex life but those are the types of people that in the era of porn tend to have a sustained sexual dysfunction okay so it progresses it gets worse it doesn't it continues um it it just maintains at a level of where it's not fully performing okay men who come from cultural or religious backgrounds and viewpoints that have sex in a poor light it's much more common that if you have uh if you come from that background that you will have more sexual dysfunction especially when you're working outside of your culture so if you're somebody that's coming from a culture let's say outside of the US I mean I live in the US I'm using that as an example but it's more sexually conservative you don't talk about it in fact you look at it poorly your parents do and so on and then you come to the US and you see it as this like over sexed culture which it's really not everybody talks about sex they joke about it they gossip about it but they don't actually like really personally talk about it it seems like this big deal it's very easy to build up more anxiety hence the isolation the anxiety the shame the guilt those are the real things that are going to make your sex life bad and have you all these or allow these dysfunctions to really have ground and room to to grow on okay men who have a poor view of sex themselves or women so it's either or of those you know it could be one of those it could be multiple of it but if you have a poor view of sex if you have a poor view of yourself if you have a poor view of women it's very easy to get lost in that we see this a lot especially in the dating realm it's very it's not super common but hey if this is you no big deal let's work on it man you know let's let's get past it but if you know you hate women or have a lot of reasons for that you know that's fine it doesn't mean that you have to for the rest of your life or it doesn't mean that you have to love them what it means is that you can if you work on yourself in different ways to man to learn how to express and enjoy and have a good sex life all the different benefits that you have if you hate yourself if you hate sex or something it's very easy to build sustained sexual dysfunction now let's go to who has sustained sexual dysfunction before the era of porn guess what guys it's all the same people man so it's all the same people inexperienced people who build up too much anxiety although there's less of those why because there's less of a reason to build up anxiety men who have experienced sexual trauma men who come from religious backgrounds or cultural backgrounds where sex is framed in a poor light and people who have problems with their their personal view of themselves views upon women and views upon sex so that's pretty crazy let's say you're the normal guy okay so the normal guy that's having normal sexual problems that you know they're classified as dysfunction okay you're in your 20s you're in your early 20s or maybe you're the guy that just got divorced or a guy that's going through a long stretch where you're not having sex or you've experienced like some trauma like a shitty relationship and now you've just started to dating and that's actually what happened to me man it's fucking crazy so when I was 18 I was also very early but I didn't have sex from 18 to 21 because some like crazy traumatic shit that happened and man that was just if I if I could have all that time back and talk to myself from 18 to 28 or 20 to now and so now all the way from 18 if I could coach myself it would just be like hey look because my my girlfriend at the time who I lost my virginity to I'd only had sex like you know eight times or five times or something like that she'd gotten kidnapped and gang raped and all this like really horrible stuff and dude after we broke up you know we broke up six months after that after all this counseling it was just great like I was so fried I didn't talk to a girl for three years and then when I did start having sex again I thought it was terrible because I was you know having all these aggressive thoughts and all sort of stuff so check this out you're a normal guy you go through your normal experience hook up with a chick you get performance anxiety you know here's one of the things guys if you have this and you're hooking up with women and you're in your 20s and you can't get hard or you come right away you don't even like have sex with her you just start coming and you take you know your parents don't even come off of butterfly lands on it a wisp of air goes by and you blow your load and the girl's like oh geez and you're all embarrassed and stuff like fuck and then you google performance anxiety you google premature ejaculation you google inability to maintain an erection or whatever it is that you google can't get hard can't get it up guess what happens you get spammed with a bunch of shit selling you like viagra pills or whatever but then also you see all these like really well put together talks articles on you know how porn is fucking you up how porn is ruining your life the worst man I'm just gonna tell you right now when dating coaches like myself have things like this look some that's always been the case you know I've spoken for a long time about sex and sexual health I would get off the stage you know I remember in 2009 that's really when it started and dating coaches would come up to me and just say like hey Steve you talk about sex a lot and um do you ever have the thing where you can't get it up with the girl and I'm like dude man you don't you don't need to be like all private like yeah but I can't have my clients know and they'd be these coaches and they'd be talking about the stuff man don't listen to dating coaches about sex advice except there's a few of them you know listen to savages stuff it's really good you know a lot of xan stuff is really good hypnotic but a lot of these guys it's like they're going through and it's really kind of a screwed up thing anyway I hate to derail it but back to this normal guy thing is that you know a normal guy in his 20s having sex here's one of the things like look dude if you're in a relationship with a girl and you're continuously having sex with her like for a couple months you're not going to have these problems if the problems continue there you may need to look deeper like again if you can get an erection to porn or at other times with women or when the situation is in a certain environment or setting or there's not these types of pressure or so on one thing that you know I know from just having a lot of sex and like look man I am a sex addict I have had sex in crazy scenarios and when we would have scenarios where there would be some like you know group sex thing this is one of the things that would happen like the guys wouldn't be able to get hard it was like the craziest thing I mean they would they would have never had an erectile problem on the regular in their life but as soon as there's like four chicks and and I'll tell you this I put this video up um or like many other videos I'll put this video up and I'll get in the comment section if you put me in front of four women and like a set of cameras I'll be able to get hard man you sure about that because from what I know unless you're prepared you won't but uh in hey man you know that's not everybody but that's really really common so there's a lot of reasons why we don't get hard but if you're getting hard on uh in different scenarios or if you're able to sustain and not ejaculate in certain situations or settings then you can do that with a girl that you have sex regularly with if not then you may have a physiological problem if not and or if you can't get it on the regular with her but you can in porn then it's probably an emotional problem or something you need to sort out within yourself and your beliefs and so on you'll have to work at it we'll talk about that in a second so you're going to google a bunch of stuff okay you have a bad experience or a couple bad experiences or you have bad experiences every time the first time you have sex with somebody it makes you feel terrible you google a bunch of stuff and it tells you you have an addiction you are fucked up there's something wrong with you like you know this has to do with all sorts of different stuff and how you grew up and porn and blah blah blah and then you start putting the dots in your head or connecting the dots in your head and you don't really know where you're going so i think oh my god it was because of my religious background i have so much guilt and i'm fundamentally flawed and i'm totally screwed up and blah blah blah blah and you you mind fuck yourself on it you totally screw yourself and the sad part about that is there's no real solution and now you took a normal natural problem before the internet existed and all the spamming of information existed and rather than following the natural route of what most normal guys do is this happens like for maybe a few months a few years even like two years of sexual activity or like me i have sexual activity had some problems my girlfriend got raped more problems then i can't fucking figure shit out from whatever we go we have a lot of sex in that time of six months which it's all over the place and confusing then i go for three years of no sex where i'm thinking about it my hormones are going insane i want to have sex i want to talk to girls i want to do the right thing i learned how to write love letters all stupid shit and like nothing works and then i start having sex you know when i'm 21 22 i don't even know what the fuck's going on then i need two more years to sort it out there jesus christ man but so for me it was a lot longer right but uh the thing is is that it'll pass okay normal guy it'll pass experience will sort itself out but now you have you're being told there's a problem you build upon this anxiety our culture doesn't talk about sex it's a big secret it's more of an isolatory thing you're not going to talk to your friends about it you're only going to talk about people in confidence and it's a bigger bigger bigger bigger deal rather than this normal and naturally like you know sex has more in common with saying hello and what's up and how's life going then all this other stuff that we make it so it is now the problem is now compounded it is just totally fucked up and crazy okay so you know you try the recommended you know path for recovery and what does a sex addict do or what does a guy who's addicted to porn or have bad thoughts about women do and man it's it's really an impossible thing that you're being asked to do when your hormones are pumping it sucks man but nothing can repress us like a secret in shame and that's what we communicate with sex in okay so let's then say you have a sustained sexual dysfunction you're one of the dudes that you know it's just not getting better it's not solving itself out it's not you're not the natural guy who just kind of has a problem with sexual performance you're a guy that's that continues to have you've done everything man you sort out all this sort of stuff you get really into the porn addiction stuff you believe it I mean man look there's so much to that that is so theorized and then there is so little to it that has ever had anybody recover from it man like if you really ever work with somebody who has had sexual addiction how many people beat it and live and I don't even want to say beat it because I don't really think about addiction in those ways I feel in my personal theory and you're welcome to your own and if you get into it explore it it's great but I'm very proud of being an addict and I never think I beat it I think it's a part of me it's a part of me that exists and when you can get past all the bullshit all the shame it turns into this like really really cool stuff but you just gotta know it man and we'll get into this as we talk about the different issues that you may develop and living that way but the thing is is that man if you looked like like don't look at the research they're presenting you look at the research of the solution the solution of men and women who have gone that route of the traditional kind of like suggested therapeutic route of sexual addiction that a lot of those videos and stuff and articles propose how many of them got healthy now we'll get into this a little bit later maybe those people didn't really have a big problem to which then you know it's just experience would help them out whether they took action on it or not but man how many people who really had a fucking problem got better now you never see those cases you never see them we have those cases a lot with what we've done okay and it's it's very consistent okay so anyway you go through this deal you stop masturbating for 90 days you rewire your brain you stop thinking about objectification you stop thinking about like you know oh my god like uh geez you know i can't have these bad habits i have so much like you know anger towards sex or whatever it is yeah it's a different mindset if it's a different brain you gotta get used to it and you're like you you you go through the this is the best part you go through the 30 days the 90 days of no ejaculation you hook up with a girl you have a hard dick it's fucking working again you fucking you know come a boatload because you've been holding back for so long and even though you came too fast you can go again because you're so into her why because your body is overwhelmed and you're really having sex with a reaction and not anything you're not getting past all the different emotional mental belief and even you know physical and maybe cognitive things that or uh you know maybe it is neuro pathway things that need to be really fixed and you think you've beat the problem you have sex for a few weeks a few months and then the problem comes back or you break up and it can't happen again and you go in and this is the thing you're like what the fuck i beat it i stopped watching porn i did everything they said why isn't this working shit god damn jesus christ so if you and then all those guys who have that real problem and especially if they truly are a sex addict it gets worse the problem compounds they go deeper into the darkness so to speak deeper into the secret deeper into the shame deeper into the like i am isolated i can't be fixed why because you've got a fucking incomplete answer to a very simple solution that these assholes who cover like the the porn and sex addiction whatever stuff are propagating and it fucking sucks man it's horrible you know because you think you're doing good but three months six months later you're worse man maybe less than that so the proposed solution is this okay the proposed solution and there are some variables but it's generally go without watching porn don't watch it anymore it'll trigger you know old behavior and it will make things worse okay not a bad suggestion you know never watch porn again okay that's that's the problem okay do not masturbate for 30 or 90 days so don't ejaculate don't masturbate um and you want to rewrite the neural pathways in your head through some sort of behavioral therapy or therapy or talk therapy and you know all those things are like some great suggestions but once again they're incomplete okay so we're not masturbating we're not watching porn we're not ejaculating and sometimes uh this is very common too it's recommended especially if it's assumed that you're a sex addict uh that you don't have sex for 30 to 90 days okay so don't have sex don't have sex with yourself or any sexual activity with another person for 30 or 90 days why because you got to rewrite your brain man the neural pathways all the stuff again stuff that that that really like is not not researched enough you know i mean just the variables are not taken into consideration okay and then sometimes this is another thing that i've heard it's actually really common and it's sad especially because a lot of my like hardcore sex addict friends they go to like the hardcore sex addict therapist so they get the hardcore like the the regimen and uh more than a few have been recommended to like okay but you got to rewrite the way your brain thinks and your neural pathways and so on and there's all this research on it so you can go on dates with women but no physical contact for five dates up to 20 dates that's insane okay so here's what happens okay so first off hardly anybody can stick with this let alone the no masturbation thing so if you're a normal guy that's just going through that normal phase in your life where you are running into sexual problems you freak out about this okay you try and not masturbate and if you can sustain and not masturbate for the like whatever 90 day no fat regimen or whatever not watch porn or whatever it is and you get really into it but you want to do it then here's what happens you either do it and get more of a neurosis built up an anxiety about how dangerous sex could be when you're going through a natural phenomenon which can allow you to go into some deeper areas or you break because you can't do it and you didn't watch porn for you know 45 days or whatever or you didn't masturbate for x amount of days but you see how it helped you and it really helped you get past that point now you're having like a normally sexual life and you know you're still not you're still not fucking like a porn star but you're not having the same problems that you did those few times or when you do it's really rare and you get over them okay that's that's kind of what happens right that's normally what happens guess what else that happens when you don't do any of this shit okay so the normal guy the average you know when we look at that jave graph of all the sexual dysfunction that goes up of young men searching for you know the answer of premature ejaculation or young men questioned about it fuck man guess what like if you did nothing and you're a normal sexually active and healthy guy that doesn't have any experience kind of like what i was who even went through some severe trauma around it guess what if you keep on having sex you normalize and regulate it and the more you think there's a problem the less it makes you able to make sex normal but when you can make sex normal it figures itself out here's the deal if you're somebody who has a reoccurring sexual problem where does this help where this can help is only in the well not only but you make this big push to not watch porn because that's the problem and that fucks you up because when we get in a sexual state we get obsessive we get compulsive we get hyper focused on it but we're supposed to you're always going to and that's a good thing and you have to learn how to regulate and control that and come to know it rather than fear it and think it's an evil thing which is kind of propagated by this you don't masturbate for 30 or 90 days you don't ejaculate but the real stuff is going to happen in your therapy so behavioral and talk therapy but the problem with that is there's so much judgment wrapped up around it don't think about bad things don't uh you know fucking you know objectify women or looking at these ways that's the violent side and this is a real thing so i you know man god like one thing i'll say like when my girlfriend was kidnapped and this was uh you know 20 years ago jeez this is 20 years ago but when the police were doing their detective work they did it so like i would be accused for it because they wanted to get as much as what cops do i didn't realize that's what cops did until like years and years later when i saw documentaries on investigators and what they did but man i heard all the details about it i actually heard all the details about it not just from them but from the girl that i was dating um it was horrible it was fucking horrible and they didn't catch the guys until the guy was just tried for it you know 20 years later they didn't catch the guys for 16 years after that with new dna evidence or whatever but the thing is about it so there was all this unresolved stuff around it it's really really horrible right so the thing is is that man when i started having sex again when i was like 24 when i started having it a lot i liked it like when a girl asked me to choke her holy shit man i'd never fucking seen that yeah i'd seen it in porn but i'd never had it like said to me she was like slap my ass slap my put your fingers in my mouth what the fuck and i liked it oh my god i'm that violent guy that's just like the dudes that raped maybe it's because they raped it maybe it's better and you mind fuck yourself and you just totally screw yourself up and so what happens when i walk into the bedroom and i go man there's this dark brooding secret behind me with a new girl where i start to have a relationship with her i just hook up with her and then i have to hide something sexually wait there's this like violent thing and it contaminated me because you know my girlfriend was raped and i i guess i secretly liked it or whatever and you just mind figure something so stupid man so when behavioral therapy comes from a point of judgment it can't really go anywhere it really really especially with sex and how limiting we talk about sex in our culture it fucks everything up so if you have a reoccurring problem you know a lot of the times you have to find a good therapist that knows the right direction to get you to open up and to have no judgment man this is like one of the best things if you can exist in a world of that it's that's great but usually that doesn't happen so it doesn't work part of it works but then when you're left to your own responsibility time and really listen to this this is the most fucked up thing that you're gonna go through if you have this is a sustained problem of sexual dysfunction you do some therapy it gets better man new therapist is great or this new regimen of you know getting sexually healthy is the way to go man it's fucking awesome that's good okay cool they can start letting me on my own start doing my own thing then all of a sudden it gets worse why not because there's something wrong with you but because there was something wrong with the plan and the model that it needed all this like control and confinement and accountability to sustain it your sex life needs to regulate and be normal and natural you need to get to that and then let's say if you're a sex addict here's the best part so there's really three categories there's a normal guy there's the guy that has repetitious and a continued sexual dysfunction and then there's a sex addict who actually like has sex to the point where he'll like ruin his life I mean like just go crazy with it like it's it's just nuts you know the disease of addiction means you're obsessive and compulsive when your mind isn't in the sexual state when you're always that way chasing you know something outside of yourself to make yourself feel better and the crazy thing about sexual addiction is that you like you have to have sex to be a complete human being drug addiction you don't have to have drugs to be a complete human being you can cut that shit out you can abstain from it actually I talk about this in the article but the great thing and bad thing about addiction is the consequences are so obvious like people are dying all the time it's really actually quite sad but I know people that I work with that I've gotten to know very well that pass away and with sexual addiction you get a lot of embarrassment you get a lot of shame you get stds you get bad relationships and all sorts of really bad shaming consequences but it's not so obviously like fucked up as what you where you see with people who have drug problems and I'd even say with solely alcohol problems it's just not as extreme when you get to people who are you know like IV users and stuff like that so here's what happens with the sex addict man this is this is impossible for him this is the best part the sex addict advice is start here you're gonna stop you're gonna not do these things because you have to in order for me to work with you switch you here from the sex therapist you have to break it you what are you telling this person this person cannot do this it is impossible he's got to be a part of a group he's got to be a part of a support system like you are telling somebody who has lived in every part of his or her body his sense of self his sense of pain his sense of pleasure their sense of you know awareness and linking in the world is usually revolved around this expression of the addiction and you're telling them to stop it immediately there are so many variables that life puts in front of you that will confuse the living shit out of this person and they will break 30 to 90 days of forcing this without a support group or without confinement like you locking them up man that's not gonna happen okay that's that's you're gonna break from it and let's say you you can power through it for the very very slim amount that force themselves to adhere by this that that is hard man that is hard shit that first year that first 90 days I mean that's a big difference three months the first three months the first 12 months hard hard time especially when you're dealing with somebody who has a true addiction you're gonna tell them just to stop and no no they will break they'll break they'll move into a more progressive state and a higher level of dysfunction this is what I see what happened happened with guys who are true sex addicts I knew this guy and it sucks man he uh he couldn't complete his orgasm he oftentimes couldn't get an erection those types of things and he would have sex all the time and try and fuck up and get all pissed off about it and even with girlfriends so this was a real big problem and he had a big problem with it with sexual dysfunction and sexual addiction of seeking sex in all these different ways dude this guy went to a sex therapist and he was like man it was porn that was the problem that was it you know this was a big you know deal for me and um you know I stopped it and all of a sudden I could get erections again he started dating his ex-girlfriend oh man this was the worst but he said dating his ex-girlfriend again he was the guy that said you can't touch a girl for the first 20 dates he started dating his ex-girlfriend again and not touching her and then as soon as he did he could start having sex again and he could have sex again successfully as soon as they broke up man that guy went deeper into a sexual addiction that I've seen in a long time was totally fucked up man he ruined his fucking life man it's a little bit better now but it's fucking crazy it's fucking crazy it's insane man it's insane it was just shitty and again not focusing on the solution so here's the problem with the solution of course we've been talking about it a lot but really cut and dry when you abstain from sex or physical stimuli sexual stimuli guess what your body starts having erections and ejaculating on its own your functioning starts to come back but at the same time that's from a repression and that's from a confinement sex is an expression is not something that is made to be put in a box okay if somebody is a sex addict this will make them worse if you're a normal guy this sort of regimen can build up a lot of anxiety because you don't need it you would have gotten the same results if you just went on your path for a couple years and figured it out or you gotten to a group where guys talked about this and you know you'd be able to get into better functioning of what actually happens in the experience of masculinity and sex and how you grew up with it and if you're a guy that has a reoccurring problem you uh man again it's gonna leave out the components of the therapy most likely that are necessary that will help you um look i'm gonna tell you right now that it may be good for you to put the brakes on some things but man to force and regulate to the degree that it said it's there's there's just not a lot of people who found health sexual health out of that there's people that may have put a halt on a behavior and then learn to hate themselves for it and build up all this tension to to maintain that it's no good all right as long as there's blame involved there's no solution okay so as long as you are pointing the finger anything other than yourself there's no solution so even in this i'm saying man culture's fucked up so what i'm just i'm just saying that so that you can be aware of it and start to see how it affects you and your life personally but man if you sit there and blame culture if you sit there on the sideline saying it's because of this because of that or the other thing you will never get to the solution okay the problem with hysteria blame and scapegoating is it gives us a false sense of relief and it makes us think that we have the problem solved when nothing is solved okay there's no doubt that there's plenty of bad qualities about porn we didn't get into the whole thing of like it's violence against women it's violence against men it's like puts a ill perception on whatever all this sort of stuff but guess what all of those things would be lessened if we took the fucking blame out of it okay you know i mean and let's look at this man we put the value of a lot of things like image or success or capital or all these different things on you know stuff in the world well guess what when something's a secret and you live in a capitalistic system and there's nothing wrong with living in a capitalist system i very much like it um but when you build a secret within that when you build something that you're afraid to talk about within that guess what man you build capitalism around it and that's what porn is i mean jesus christ man it's an expression of who we are like it's just so obvious that it happened but it's like we talk about it as if we can control it or blame it we've you know shit man we've been doing it ever since ever since sex became gossip ever since sex became a topic outside of the bedroom man everybody's turned it into this weird opinion of how we can somehow control it in any case let's get to what works okay remember when i said in the past 10 years we've worked with you know a bunch of different men successfully solving their different sexual dysfunctions and managing sexual addiction and those two things are very different like so here's the thing so it's very common okay for when a guy it's kind of like one out of 10 if a guy seeks out some of the services that we have on social dynamics and sex one out of 10 of those guys is going to come into you know the the question and seeking out for different advice with the topics of sexual dysfunction okay it's very common man it's probably more than one out of 10 people have it it definitely is who've experienced it it's everybody has experienced it if we go into just like not being able to get it up a few times but one out of 10 actually comes with that being their impetus okay that is their motive okay and they've usually worked with some other coaches they've researched a lot of different stuff that goes into the anti-porn or the rerouting of intimacy and getting away from these misogynistic views or they take on this other thing like i need to be more misogynistic in order to have this rather than seeing sex is normal okay look it's a whole bunch wrong with that why because anytime you see sex is nothing that is normal and it has to be an exaggeration an abnormality or uh you know just uh that that it's not something that we do then it takes it out of its nature so there's nothing ever wrong with the specific methodology from where they're trying to learn from whether it's hypnosis talk therapy uh you know whatever right you know a different form of coaching what's wrong with it is the fundamental philosophy that is backing it okay now also if you're working at this any suggestions that I propose on it it's not a quick fix okay if you come into this and you're saying that I want something quick and something that I won't have to work on and really look at myself and get honest with myself about the man good luck to you you know for the next x amount of years until the pain gets great enough and that is the problem when it comes to drug addiction the pain gets fucking bad again you either die or you fix it when it comes to sex addiction somehow the pain just isn't enough personal and here's the thing is because your shame exists in relationships and sex but it probably doesn't exist in your work it doesn't exist in the different distractions that you can have in your life and that's the sad thing about things like drug addiction gambling addiction food addiction because there's different things in your life that you can highlight to make yourself feel good when you have a drug problem that's like fucking everything man you fuck yourself up so look if you want to work at something that is this deep and it is normal I want to say it's normal and natural and it will be easy once we get on the road but if you're unwilling to get dedicate 6 to 12 months to approach a new way of having a healthy sex life then man forget about it it's not going to work for you go on continue being confused or find something else that works for you and I hope it does but I've just never seen it work out and another thing that you need to think about sexual health and social health is you're going to have it for the rest of your life you need to have it with that mentality that's something you work out every day you know in terms of sexual health like for me it probably hit to a really high degree where I was like oh my god this is like my bottom sexually was when I was like 31 32 it was just I can't do this anymore I was already on a long road with my you know chemical dependency addiction and like felt really good and confident about that but the sexual addiction was like Jesus Christ this is crazy I'm 38 now it's a big part of my life it's a big part of my life to make sure my connections and communications are good with who I am and I could still screw up okay and especially if you are somebody who's hit that level of sexual addiction you're going to have some baggage that is now reshaped into your expression that is now a good thing it's not necessarily a bad thing okay so the fundamental philosophy of where we come from that is a lot different than what other people do is that sex is normal you need to have sex and you need to be sexual this is going to be huge in what makes you healthy fundamentally whether you're a sex addict whether you have a long term sexual dysfunction or you're just a little bit confused about what's been happening in the bedroom and things have been a little bit off what is going to solve this this issue and it's going to give you your sexual health is a consistent and consecutive experience or consistent and executive consistent and consecutive experiences of positive sexual experiences that's what's going to help you okay now how you get there is going to be a little bit different if you're a sex addict if you're somebody who has repeat dysfunction or you're somebody that is kind of on the normal side just you know not really finding not really finding that true empowerment of yourself sexually okay so depending upon where you're at is how you're going to find out the different path that you're on okay one thing to also point out here is chemical dependency addiction is much different than sex addiction i hear people make the correlation all the time here's the thing that's the same the addiction part the obsession the compulsive the compulsion that need to find more the endless search for something outside of yourself that's the same that's not going to change but the interesting thing about chemical dependency addiction is that number one the consequences are extremely fucking harsh okay if you get into that mode i'm not talking about casual drug use i'm not talking about like the fear of drugs like all that hysterical propaganda is bullshit it actually creates more addiction than it solves but the other thing too is is that you can live without drugs if you can get to a point where drugs are not in your system and you don't have the physical need and you just have the emotional and mental need that pops up every once and again that's easier to deal with then figuring out okay well how do i reintroduce sex in my life how do i start having sex healthy in my life how do i start building that okay so sex sexual addiction on that side of the recovery spectrum can be a little bit more complex you know so different things to consider especially when you're finding solutions a lot of people talk about addiction and it's like well with alcohol addiction or chemical dependency you abstain and there's a there's this bad thing there's this thing to blame drugs man i'll tell you this in my life right now i love drugs i just don't use them they're amazing but when i do it fucks me up you know but they're they're beautiful things they're just like these great things that allow you to experience all this stuff and some can be really really horrible at times but i like again if you're blaming you're not going to find that solution so one of the things that we do that's it's very very big and that we really live for this is super important for just how how we communicate on our level of tsl and different men's development communities so we build community we explore and then in terms of this we be sexual okay so we be we exist at it okay we exist is who we are so whether that's a social component we have community we self explore and then we be social if that's working on our mind and our bodies we have a community we self explore we look at who we are and how we are and interact with the world but then we implement and use our mind and body in the right way well in this case we be sexual and this is really important and our groups are very loose one of the keys to our group is there's no judgment okay there's no judgment about sexual behavior or practice the only rules that i'd say there are is that we don't you know breach confidentiality we don't share information what's happening or when we do talk and when we do interact about this and the other thing is is we don't facilitate encouraging harm or illegal acts so here's the thing especially when we get into stuff especially with sex is there's a lot of people who do illegal stuff i mean in some states sodomy is illegal um but other things like people might be into some crazy stuff that are like whoa man look that's not for us to judge or even encourage especially if it is something that is illegal but we can listen to it and we can let that person express and um man i'll tell you this i'll get to what everybody's thinking but basically you can do whatever you want you can talk about whatever you want you can fantasize whatever you want and express that and man let me tell you when you take judgment out of the community of a group some amazing stuff happens as long as everybody there is willing to be honest and share and communicate and connect man i'll tell you this you know if you're listening to this and you've never been a part of our courses sadly you probably haven't been a part of a group in a community that practices expression in that way it's just one of the coolest things so don't jump to extremes here this always happens as soon as i bring this up questions like this come up where it's like so wait a minute you have groups where you allow like pedophiles to come up and talk about their experiences and you encourage them or rapists or people who want to talk about violence against women i'll tell you this number one in the 10 years of having men's groups that's never happened but if it did happen and they wanted to talk about that urge if they did have a truth they were a true pedophile it's not somebody that was conditioned that way and they they weren't acting on it and weren't talking about how to act on it more but how to process past that feeling totally man or how to deal with it and manage it and have this sexual urge that is highly illegal and causes great harm to other people and they they don't want to implement that on the world or this is one thing that everybody has men men and women both have rape fantasies it's super common it's so common that it's the vast majority of men and women we're not going to let people talk about that you know we're not going to let people talk about different things that happen within them another one that comes up in men's groups that are separate from this is people may talk about suicide oh my god that person's mentally ill this person if somebody talks about suicide or wanting to kill somebody or wanting to hurt somebody we have to report them look if they're if they're really going to do it of course we don't want them to do it but we want to offer a place where somebody can express to do that and here's the thing that we found with it many people think about suicide it's not everybody but many people do the majority over 50 do at some point and if they can talk about it it's like oh i'm going through this mode where i'm depressed it stops becoming a big deal and people stop reacting upon it and stop isolating upon it same thing goes with wanting to cause harm inflict violence and fight people we don't encourage them to but it's like man you can talk about it we feel rage all the time or different things like that you got to have an open form to be able to talk about those things and then talk to guys who've had experience okay and this is the important part what makes a good group are these qualities number one is we can't have judgment if we have judgment around there like there's a right or a wrong no there's your personal path to excellence there's your personal path that you decide that you define what that is of what is right and wrong and then you fit it into society and those rules but guess what here's the thing especially when you bring up tough topics like oh my god i'm uh you know it could be i'm relapsing or i went on this tear of porn or started watching stuff and i'll tell you this in my my personal experience with sexual addiction i watched porn the whole time and man i know what it's like to go on some vendors but again that's not everybody's experience like you could cut that out but i watched the whole time in fact i found a great relief from guys who were like who came to a piece about their sexuality who came from the porn industry you know i found great relief talking about the talking to those guys some still work in the porn industry and uh the thing is is that uh there was that experience there were guys who had more experience than me okay in certain situations it wasn't experience about being better than me but they had walked down the road further they had gotten to a point where they had screwed up and what happened when they screwed up and had a deal with that i needed those guys who had walked before me i also needed the guys who were walking at the same pace with is me you know and so that's gonna always happen you're gonna always have the these three different types of people around you guys who are more experienced guys are the same levels you guys who have less experience and then i needed the guys who were new who didn't know what to do who were in the point of like confusion about it and and fresh with it because i had forgotten what that was like and also you got to kind of like you got to give it away to keep it you know that's that's a super super key part it's what activates our empathy is what activates our exchange it's just such a cool thing and so when we truly have a community of non-judgment man good things happen change happens guilt shame you know things like you know man judgment when that goes away guess what happens expression comes up when expression comes up we can have true empathy you know true relating when expression comes up we can have true seduction true communication in our pure selves rather than it's like oh my god i want to fuck this girl's brains up but that's a bad thought i shouldn't be having that thought okay man it's like we can get in touch with the many different variables and levels of how we think and feel and and move within that because look sexuality and communication is very complex okay one of the things that is fundamental about us as well is exploration all right you have to look at you're going to have to and this is the hardest thing is if people walk away from our programs it's usually here because it's like all right we can have this community of non-judgment there's no authority there's no like real enforcement and so they're like wait a minute but i want i want somebody to tell me what to do i want to have to i want to be told i'm fucked up if they can get past that and then they get to the exploration part it's like okay now look at yourself no man you're gonna look at yourself we'll help you through it but examine yourself do an inventory look at the wise look at the the sexuality look at what's behind that look at the emotion look at the physicality look at the shame look at the things you hate look at where that comes from and really really answer and dive in deep to those things you don't have to take our route but that form of exploration is necessary why because when you show up intimately and connect with somebody in any situation when your clothes are off and you're aroused when you're in business when you're making a friendship with somebody man you have to know yourself if you're afraid of yourself and you're hiding yourself that you're living within a reaction and essentially you are living a lie in that communication that bond and you can't your empathy is broken your seduction is broken your connection is broken okay so you are facilitating and maintaining disconnect while trying to have the benefits of connection a good place to start if you're interested in this you can find out more about the identity workbook at tsl it's since 2009 that's basically where we start with most people although there are other forms of exploration that is something that you just really have to experience us to be a part of to know that sort of exploration but it's there man it's a huge part and the next part is that being sexual well how do we exist as this how do we exist as our nature you know how can we get back to that born to be philosophy that we have here in our different men's groups that we work off of well look sex is an expression with many things many times we look at sex within the boundaries of extremes good and bad or secrets or shames or wants or desires or all these little things but not just as what is so how do we do that like and really look at but look at yourself with this like start to answer those questions and that exploration it's like how do you be sexual without having sex how do you be sexual with your presence how do you be sexual with you as a man what does that mean how do you be sexual during sex how do you be sexual after sex what happens with with relationships what happens with you know the full expression of who I am so a lot of times you know you could talk about but this is really dependent upon experience I always love this because guys if they're if you're not sexually active this is all theoretical and conceptual and it makes literally no sense to you but it's like all right as a man what does that mean what does it mean for you to be the sex of a man a male person born as a man and not as a woman you know truly the sex of you what does that mean what characteristics come along with that how do you be sexual with that now a sexually active guy could talk a lot about that and if we're a big group we talk a lot about it but if there's people who aren't sexually active it's kind of a weird question and you don't really get it you know but man if you have been sexually active with enough dialogue man you can really find a lot of power in the exploration of that and then the implementation of that and then the being of that being of that man at all times also expressing your intent sex and seduction is dependent upon intent and intent actually exchanging if you look at the actual social dynamic you'd be social all you want you can joke about sex whatever it's not sexual until intent is exchanged I want you you want me how do you project that intent how do you do it so it communicates how do you do it so you don't offend people how do you do it so it is it is welcomed and seen as a good thing that is an interesting thing and that's what you need to look at explore and then practice how do you be that because if you're not being that you're not being sexual you're living within shame or repression or some sort of cultural confusion how do you exchange sexual sexually well how do you do that physically emotionally mentally there's so many different things in this how do you act sexually what in the act of sex do you like because there's so many different variants in that and your brain changes you know it's interesting the exchange of sexuality the arousal process is far different than the actual state of sex the arousal process has this push pull back and forth thing of you know this hot and cold and liking things and and easing of tension and building up tension when you're having sex it's smooth sailing and it's slow this nice paced feeling and sometimes it can be erratic and aggressive what is the result of your sex relationships who you are how you change you know there's an old concept that comes from TSL where we would say there's identity then there's application then there's technique and when you do all those it moves back into identity in this experience but identity who I am the application where the women are how do I talk to them how do I express you know what different venues yada yada yada and then that should define the different techniques that you use your technique is subservient to the woman herself the environment your identity and then when you you experience that when you experience that and you get a result it changes you and it changes your identity and it moves in that that range in any case being sexual is an action and you need to do it it's not a concept I'm not just talking about these is these like crazy cool things that you can think about and talk about in your men's group I'm saying no we talk about them and then how can we do them how was I this today and that's very important okay you want to get sexually healthy whether you have a sexual dysfunction or not it's going to come from being sexual in all of your ways it's one of the greatest lives to live and it's it's a beautiful thing one thing that I'll say is look guys if you encounter dysfunction happens to all of us it's the most normal thing in the world okay don't buy into this hysteria the best thing that you can do is if you encounter dysfunction is relax within it continue to have sex for me if I encounter it I feel bad I feel inadequate I feel let down but we have to move past that in that wisdom of going wait a minute is that some social shit is that some real stuff that I'm feeling but how can I continue to explore what seduction is what sex is in at that moment dysfunction as we talked about is going to be a normal process of your sex life it's a phenomenon that will happen it's a good thing it means you're active it means that things are happening and the best thing that we can do is relax about it we will get hurt in our sex life we will go through breakups we will go through bad sex but that's not an excuse for hating blaming people or thinking that we need to find something outside of ourselves to fix us really when it comes down to it is the best things that we can do is explore learn to find our new expression put that out there in the world and really get some real feedback for it and one thing that is super super helpful with that is a community much like we have here you know and that's what we do community of openness non-judgment and the unifying desire and result of your personal excellence all right hope you liked all that stuff leave any comments email me steve at the sexual life if you have any questions and uh man good stuff thanks for watching thanks for listening