 In this video, I'd like to talk about the final element in the hurryer model of the listening process, which is that last R responding. So as you know, we've been walking through this hurryer model, the first letter of which stands for different element of the listening process. So H-U-R-I-E-R, we have hearing, understanding, remembering, interpreting, evaluating, we've been through all those and now we're ready for responding. So responding fits in as you might expect toward the end, although it's never quite as neat as this. The listening process isn't. Sometimes we respond in the middle, sometimes we respond at the end, it just kind of depends on the situation. But it falls at the end of how we just lay it out here in this map. You can see all these elements work through and you can find videos on each of these topics in our collection here. So today we're going to focus on that last aspect, responding. There are a variety of different responses that you can have for listening. We need to remember that listening is a two-way street as much as it seems like it would be a one-way avenue here. It's really a two-way process. So there are a variety of different things. We're going to focus on these eight common responses, silence questioning, paraphrasing, empathizing, supporting, analyzing, evaluating, and advising. Talk about each of those just a bit and give you some input on when and how you might use those effectively as a listening response. So the first one may seem a little bit odd, but silence, remember the word listen contains the same letters as the word silent, right? Sometimes not saying anything is the best bet. So silence is first of all appropriate in a variety of different situations, meaning sometimes it's appropriate to be silenced because the other person just needs to be heard. Maybe they don't need your input, your vocal input. They just need somebody to be on the other end so they can talk things out out loud and they just need somebody to have a sympathetic ear and to listen well. Other times maybe it's better to be silent because, as your mom said, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all, right? So sometimes you don't have anything nice to say or you don't have any really valuable input to put in and so maybe being quiet is your best option. If you don't know anything or you don't have anything to offer that you think is going to be beneficial or helpful or is going to put you in a bad spot maybe, then maybe silence is your best option. So it can be appropriate in a variety of situations. Most importantly, even though you're silent, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be present and attentive. You should. Be present and attentive, even if you're silent, even if you're not responding actively, you should still be there focused. Be attentive to what that person is saying and be engaged and involved in the conversation, maybe even use some nonverbal cues in there, even if you're not speaking, right? You can still use some nonverbal cues to indicate that you're listening and to convey that behavioral sense of listening through eye contact, through touch, through facial expression, through whatever it is. Those types of things we can indicate that we are listening, that we are focused, that we are engaged in that conversation, even if we're not speaking. We can also use verbal back-channeling, which may seem a little odd in silence, but so it's not technically silence, but it's still it's basically you're not really adding anything of depth or meaning really to the conversation. You're just verbal back-channeling. You're just indicating the other person that you're listening. Things like, mm-hmm, go on. Yes, I see. And what do you think those types of things that just prompt the other person to continue on and indicate to them that you're listening? That's what we call verbal back-channeling. It's not really offering anything of importance or content there, but still we use that when we're being silent to kind of indicate, yes, I'm still here, I'm still listening, whether that's face-to-face or on the phone or whatever, we use verbal back-channeling for those purposes as well. So we can use silence very effectively as a listening response. It can be very appropriate at times. Sometimes the best response is, you know, really no response at all beyond just letting that person know that you're there and you're listening. We can also engage in questioning when we're talking to somebody else. We can ask questions. Now, it's important that we when we're thinking about questioning there are a variety of different types of questions that we can ask, obviously. So we want to ask authentic questions. Authentic questions have they add value to that conversation. They connect. They're representative of what's being discussed and indicating that you're actually listening. So authentic questions can do things like clarify meanings. They can so clarify those meanings and they can learn about the other's thoughts and feelings and wants by asking them for further detail. We can encourage elaboration. Just kind of, you know, again, through verbal back-channeling or different things, what do you think about that? Or how are you feeling about that? Or what do you know about that? Encourage elaboration and just basically encouraging the other person to continue speaking and to expand more upon what they're saying. We can do that and engage in discovery to ask legitimate questions about things that we don't know. You know, so what would that mean for you? Or, you know, how would that work out for you? What would that look like to encourage that kind of discovery both for yourself and within the other person to get them to talk about things? If you're worried about, well, have they thought about this? Well, you can just ask them a question and see if they've thought about it. We can do that to gather more facts and details as well. We can ask questions to gather more facts and details. These are all examples of what we would call authentic or genuine questions, right? That engage in that conversation positively. They connect to the topic. They really add value to that conversation, as opposed to what we would call disingenuous questions. Disingenuous questions are not authentic. They're not genuine. They're not really connected. They can do a variety of things, none of which are, you know, add positively to that conversation. They could lead or trap the speaker. You know, when you're asking, you know, you're asking a question that's directing the speaker toward a specific path or getting, you know, trying to get them to fall into some sort of trap with your question, then that's a disingenuous question. It's not an authentic question. Questions that make statements, right? Questions that make statements, you know, well, you don't believe in blah, blah, blah, blah, all right? Do you? You know, obviously that's not really an open question. That's a question that you're using to make a statement just because it has a question mark at the end does not make it a genuine or authentic question. So sometimes we use questions to really make statements. We want to avoid that in a good listening scenario. Sometimes questions carry hidden agendas, you know? And so they're not clear to the other person. Like when you ask somebody, hey, what do you have going on this Friday night? And they say, oh, nothing. They're thinking maybe you're going to invite them out to do something or whatever. And you say, oh, great, I'm moving. You can come help me carry heavy things then, right? So that question carried a hidden agenda, something that wasn't clear to the other person and really kind of it was trapping as well, let them down this particular path. So we want to not ask questions that carry hidden agendas. Instead we should ask something like, look, I'm moving on Friday. Is there any chance you'd be available to come help? That's a more open, genuine question, authentic question. Are questions that seek correct answers that where we're looking for a particular answer or correct answer questions should be open to the interpretation of the person in terms of like they should be able to answer however they wish, not feel like they have to answer in a particular way to get it right, quote, unquote, right. And don't ask questions based on assumptions. Don't just assume things about the other person and ask a question and based on that assumption, we want to ask questions on things that we know about. So we can ask questions. That can be an excellent listening response and provide a lot of value to both us and to the other person. But we want to make sure that they are genuine questions, that they are authentic questions and not these kind of disingenuous questions. So we can be silent. We can ask questions. We can also paraphrase. Paraphrasing essentially just restates what the other person said using your own words. And that's key that we are using our own words when we paraphrase. We're not repeating exactly word for word what the other person said. That would be parroting, right? Well, that's what parrots do. They just mindlessly repeat sounds that they hear. That's not what we're talking about here. When you paraphrase, you restate what you think they said in your own words. So paraphrasing, first of all, again, it's critical that we change the speaker's wording that we vary it enough that it's clear that we're trying to indicate some interpretation and give them an opportunity to correct us. We may even offer an example of that. So we can say, so here's what I hear you saying is this. So it would look like this example, right? Is that right? Is that am I getting that right? This is all about seeking clarification and making sure we're understanding what the other person is saying. We can also, at times, reflect on the underlying theme. If we feel like they're talking about something specific when we paraphrase and say, well, is this what you're really getting at here? I mean, you're talking about this thing over here, but is this my correct in thinking that you're really talking about or thinking about, worried about this maybe underlying theme? Again, all of this is important that we change the other person's wording around. That opens up the door to give them a chance to say, no, no, this is what I meant by that and to correct us if we're not getting that right. Whereas if we're just repeating exactly word for word, what they say, then they're going to say, yes, that's what I'm saying, but it doesn't necessarily indicate that we have any clear understanding of what they mean by that. So paraphrasing, we need to change the words around, put it in our own words, even maybe offer an example, reflect on that underlying theme and give them the opportunity to say, yes, that's where I'm going with this or no, that's not exactly what it meant. Let me try and explain it a different way. But paraphrasing can be an excellent listening response as well. If there's lack of clarity, if you're receiving instructions on something and you need to be sure that you're getting those directions or instructions right, paraphrasing can be a really good choice in those instances as well. Another listening response that we have is empathizing. We can empathize. Empathizing is just perspective taking responses that demonstrate identification with the speaker. That's a fancy way of saying we're seeing things from their perspective. We're seeing things from their viewpoint. We're seeing it through the lens of their eyes. Now, note that this does not mean that you're taking their side, it just means that you're seeing things from their perspective. So if we're going to empathize, it's important that first of all, we be genuine. If we're going to express, yes, I can see where you're coming from with that. I can understand why that would be the case for you, why you would think that. Then we need to be genuine about that and actually be able to see things from their perspective. So if we're going to empathize, we need to be genuine. It could be brief, it could be extended. You know, our empathizing response. It could be just something like, yeah, I get it. I feel you, I see where you're coming from. Or it could be something longer than that. But both are empathizing responses. It just depends on what that situation calls for and what's going to be appropriate in that particular moment. We do want to be careful to avoid we call non-empathetic behaviors, non-empathic behaviors when we're seeking to empathize because they will contradict the empathetic response then. So when we think about non-empathic behaviors, we're talking about things like denying a right to their feelings, telling them, oh, you shouldn't feel that way. I mean, people could feel however they want, whether we think it's appropriate or not, or whether we think it's right or not. They have the right to those feelings. We shouldn't deny them that right. We also shouldn't minimize the significance and say, well, that doesn't seem like that big a deal. I don't know why you're so upset. Again, they have the right to, whether we think it's correct or not, empathizing doesn't have to do with determining whether this person is correct in the way that they're valuing this. It just recognizes that they have a right to make it as significant or as insignificant as they wish. And we're just there to see it from their perspective. We want to avoid blame that when we're empathizing, we don't want to start pointing fingers. That's not what we're there to do when we're empathizing. We don't want to reign on their parade. And if it's something positive in particular, we don't want to say, well, now that's great, but this could go wrong. And that could go wrong. I mean, there may be time for that later. But empathizing is about allowing that person to access those feelings, indicating that you understand them. And again, whether you agree with them or not, indicating that you can relate to that and see where they're coming from. So don't reign on their parade. So we have the opportunity to empathize. And again, this empathizing doesn't necessarily involve getting emotionally connected with this. You don't have to agree with what the person is saying or how they're feeling or whatever, but you can just relate to how they can feel that way. And you can see that. Now, the next type of listening response goes one step further a little bit in supporting a response that demonstrates support for the speaker situation. So here, you are sort of buying in. You are validating what that person is saying and saying, yes, this is correct. You are right to be upset about this. You are right to be upset about this at this level. And for these reasons, and you are demonstrating support, you are actively getting involved in in this person's emotion. And you are tying yourself into that. So different kinds of support can look like things like agreement, where you just say, yes, I agree. That is absolutely correct. You have the right to feel that way. And you are right in feeling that way and believing that or whatever. So we are agreeing with them and validating what they're saying by agreeing with it. We can offer to help. Say, yes, that's awful. Let me do what I can to be of assistance to you in this situation. Again, that provides that validation and that buy-in saying this person is absolutely correct with that. We can offer praise to that person. We can say, well, you're really strong for putting up with this. We're thinking about it in this way. Or really, we can offer that praise to that person. We can offer them reassurance. It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. We can offer them a diversion. This was my key tactic when friends of mine would break up with girlfriends or whatever when we were younger. I would divert them by saying, hey, why don't we go throw some darts and let's grab a beer and throw some darts and we'll just forget about this for a while, right? Sometimes that's an effective type of support just to take our mind off of things for a while. But not always appropriate, but can be a type of supporting response as well. But all of these kind of validate and buy-in to what that person is feeling and saying, yes, not only do I see where you're coming from, but I agree with your perspective and I want to do what I can to be of support in this time, whether it's good or bad. Okay, we're going to shift over a little bit to a different strain of responding here and start with talking about analyzing. So analyzing are responses that offer an interpretation of the speaker's message in order to help them see alternative meanings of a situation, right? So here we're getting into, okay, we have different perspectives on this, so let me help you understand a different one. Let me help you see a different way to see this. So this is, you know, somebody comes and talks to you about a coworker that they're having a difficult time with. Empathizing would say, yeah, I can see why that would be frustrating for you. I totally relate to that and can see where you are coming from there. Supporting would say, yeah, that's awful. You are absolutely right to be disturbed by that and to be upset by that. Let me see what I can do to help you resolve the situation or help you feel better in general about that. But analyzing takes a different tag. It says, okay, yeah, I see that. I see that you're, you know, why you would be upset with your coworker for that type of thing. But if you consider maybe they're reacting that way just because they have some other things going on in their life. Trying to help your friend see some different possibilities is alternative. So that's what we're doing in analyzing is helping them see the alternative meanings, potential alternative meanings in a situation. So a few tips for engaging in an analyzing response. First of all, you wanna offer analysis. You wanna offer these analyzing responses in a tentative way. We don't know 100% unless we do, but very rarely do we know 100% what's happening and what could be going on. So usually we just say, hey, you know, I don't exactly know what's going on, but have you considered this or is it possible that this is what's happening? Offer it in a tentative way and don't come barreling in like, no, you got it wrong and here's what's really happening, right? Analyzing is about offering alternatives, right? Alternative solutions or alternative possibilities there. So we need to do that in an in a tentative way. We also need to be kind of reasonably correct or be silent. If you don't think you have a good handle on the situation, don't have anything. Don't just start throwing stuff out and see what sticks to the wall, right? We wanna be sure that if we're gonna offer an analysis of a possible different perspective, then we might be right on that. Then there's a reasonable chance that we're gonna be correct. If we're not sure about that, then we ought to be silent and err on the side of caution there and err on the side of silence. You wanna make sure your analysis is wanted. That's the other thing too. Maybe your friend just wants to vent. Maybe they don't want analysis. Maybe they don't want perspective. They don't want alternative solutions. So we need to be sure that our analysis is wanted in those circumstances, that they are open to that. The next step beyond analysis would then be evaluating. So beyond analyzing, we would see evaluating. And this is responses that evaluate a speaker's thoughts in a favorable or unfavorable way. In other words, we're saying, yeah, you're right about that or no, you're wrong about that. So we're offering then judgment in a sense, right? We're evaluating the validity of that response. So instead of just empathizing and saying, yes, I can see that whether we agree with them or not, evaluating says, no, you are right or you are wrong in this situation. So some tips for evaluating responses. First of all, again, make sure your evaluation is wanted. If the person is not interested in that, they're not open to that, then it could do more harm than good. So be sure that your evaluation is wanted in that situation. Next, your evaluation should be sincere. Not only honest and straightforward, but it should be sincere in the sense that you're trying to do what's best for that person. You're doing this because you care for them and you're sincere in your desire to help them. It should also be constructive. It should in some way offer some positive outcome for the person. Even if you're telling them they're wrong, there should be some light at the end of the tunnel to say, no, I disagree with you. I think you handle that poorly, but here's how we can correct this maybe. But we ought to be constructive. I can see how you responded that way in the moment, but maybe it wasn't the wisest choice to call that person that name. So we can be constructive still. We can offer a positive spin on things or help that person build back somehow. So we can analyze, we can evaluate, and then the third step along that process, potentially, would be advising. These are responses that offer the speaker a resolution to their problem or situation. So in other words, we're informing this person how to fix things, how to go about correcting that situation, fixing the problem, whatever it is. So a few things to keep in mind about when to advise, in particular, that's one of the key questions is when to advise. We can advise when the person asked for it. When they ask for our advice, when they say, what would you do in this situation or can you help me figure out a solution here? That opens the door potentially, right? When the speaker's willing to listen, there are times, and you should be able to recognize these, that somebody comes in, they're talking about this problem that they have, this issue that they have, and you can just tell they're not in the mindset to listen. They're just venting, they're not really open to criticism or constructive resolution or anything, right? So you've got to make sure that person is in a place and in a mindset that they are willing to listen. You can also advise and should only advise when you're confident in the advice being given, when you're confident. So again, either be reasonably correct or be silent. When you're confident that what you're saying could potentially work has a good chance of working, it could be helpful to that person, then maybe proceed. But if you're not, then it's best not to just start throwing stuff out there, right? Don't take a chance in that. And then finally, when you won't face blowback if it doesn't work out. So if you give this advice and it doesn't work, that the person's not gonna come back and be really, really upset with you and put you in a worse situation than you started off with. So you wanna be cautious about that as well. So as you can see again, this communication, the listening is a two-way process. All communication is a two-way process. Listening is no exception to that, right? So once we get to the end of this, then we really go back to the beginning of the whole process. Once we get through the responding, then we start going back to, again, making sure we're hearing and understanding and remembering and interpreting and evaluating and then responding again. And we go through this whole cycle over and over again. But responding is an important part of connecting in the two-way variety instead of just making listening a one-way street. If you have questions about responding or any other aspect of the hurryer model, please feel free to email me. I'd love to hear from you there and chat with you more about the listening process at that time. In the meantime, I hope that you will give great focus and attention to the way that you respond and understand that that is still all part of the listening process and an important part of the listening process is how we respond. So be sure that you are giving your responses careful consideration, both in the type and the content in the way that we respond and bring the hurryer model and that listening process through to full completion and really just recycling it then starting at the beginning.