 Urma, created by Cy Howard, transcribed from Hollywood, and starring Marie Wilson-Azerma and Kathy Lois as Jane. I went to the vegetable department and picked me out a nice, plump, solid head of cabbage. And then I'll take it home and put it on top of a broomstick, dress the whole thing up and then have a nice, intelligent conversation with it. I guarantee you that head of cabbage will make more sense than my roommate Irma Peterson. A million dollars before, but he always got Washington's picture on upside down. This is what he's making. Let me see that bottle. Right there. Drink, baby face. Mother nature's wonder youth restore. Yeah, and you see what it says? One sip and you hop and skip. Well, I got a feeling it should be one swallow when you're here today and gone tomorrow. No, Jane. I made this from the secret formula. Look at the ingredients. Let me see. Let me see. Baby face youth restore contains glopo, the vitamin extract of watermelon rind. And since you never saw a wrinkled watermelon, imagine what it'll do for your skin. Baby face is harmless and may be taken internally or out of doors. The ingredients and is approved by the Board of Health of Tibet. Oh, Jane, that's nothing. Here are some testimonials I'll have printed. Listen to this. Baby face youth restore will take so many years off your life, one mother accidentally gave some to her nine year old son and they disappeared completely. Oh, no. See those, will you? I have been using baby face for 62 years and now wish to sell my razor as I am too young to shave. This one, I was an old soldier who was about to fade away and I drank three bottles of baby face and I'm still here. Signed General Grinnick. You're hooked on this, are you? Of course I am. As an outsider to produce this stuff? Yes, he's already sold 15 bottles. And really, Jane, it's wonderful. I think I'll buy a bottle, too. Irma Peterson, don't you dare use that stuff. This isn't the first thing your boyfriend has tried to sell. You remember his famous magic dandruff remover? Well, it removed dandruff. And all the hair, too. I wasn't mature then, but now he's big business. Do you realize he will make 90 cents on every bottle he sells? How much is he selling it for? 85 cents. 85 cents and he's going to clear 90? Yes, there's all profit and he gets a nickel back on the bottle. We're going to make a fortune and we're going to get married. Secret path, kids. I'm Jamie, my two little hockey players. One headed for the net and the other should have a net over her head. Oh, perspective. So what, after six years, could you do better? Girls, do you have a little bit of confidence? Are you well, professor? No, I lost my head and ate the goulash at the Gypsy Tea Room. What's wrong with the goulash? It's all goo and no lash. We haven't seen it for a couple of days. Neither have I. You know, the last time I saw her was Sunday night at the fireman's ball. She was there a popular. Oh, God, you mean the men flocked around her? Oh, yes, she was wearing a red dress and they thought she was a fire hydrant. But truthfully, I felt sorry for her. Why? Every time the music started, she would drop a handkerchief and hope some gentleman will pick it up and ask her for the dance. Well? When the night was over, she had no dancers and a very sore back. So I volunteered to walk her home. Then she said, there's no sense kidding myself. She was no longer young and no longer attracted. Oh, gee, she's never said that before. I know, and as we stood on that street corner, I tried to make her feel good with flattery. I told her she was still young and still healthy. But then I almost ruined her. How? A cop heard me say, Kathleen, you are beautiful. And wanted to arrest me for being drunk. Yeah, I wish I knew where she was. I'd like to tell her about my house, wonderful uterus store. Oh, no. Don't tell me ahead about it, Professor. You look tired. Well, to tell the truth, I am, Jane. You know, I've been reading a book about psychiatry, and it's called Are You a Schizophrenic? Well, don't look at me. I'm Swedish. Jane, it's amazing the number of people who crack up under the tension of modern-day living. Yeah, the book must be fascinating. It is, and I'll tell you more about it as I read it. Well, goodbye, girls. Hey, and Professor, if you really feel tired and need a youth restore, I'll make you one that does wonders. It'll make a young man of you. Then I don't want it. I couldn't bear to see a young man spend the rest of his life in my room. Can I help you, madam? Is this the honest business bureau? Well, I'd like to register a complaint. What seems to be the trouble? I brought an item in good faith, and it turned out to be a fake. I want whoever makes this stuff put in jail where he belongs. I see. Your name, please. Kathleen O'Reilly. Now, what is the trade name of the product you bought and what proof do you have of it being fraudulent? It's called Baby Taste Magic Youth Restorer. So it's just experimented with a soy bottle, isn't it? A little? 15 bottles. I wanted to give it a fair trial, and for two days I've locked myself in my room. I've drunk it, I've rubbed it into my pores, I've even inhaled it. You can see for yourself. Well, I don't know how you looked before you tried it, but by the looks of you now, I would say you have a good chance of sending this person up for life. Well, that's what I want. Have you any idea who makes this stuff? No, but we'll find out, and you'll be our key witness after we make the arrest. You're done. Now, if you'll just sign this complaint. Oh, I'll be very glad to. Kathleen O'Reilly, single. That information isn't necessary. Well, it's not hurting anybody. A girl never knows who's going to read these things. Are you helping with me? Honey, it's ridiculous picking out furniture for a home just because, Al. Oh, not please, Jane. I know this time it's the real thing. I'll make a big fortune and marry me. Speaking of wonder, boy, here he comes down the street. Where? Oh, isn't it thrilling, Jane? Look at him. He walks like he's going someplace. Yes. Yes, and that fellow right behind him walks like he's going to take him there. Oh, gosh, Jane, I'm so proud of him. He's become so successful. Look at him talking to that man. Now, he's putting his hand up. Probably shaking hands on a big deal. I don't think so. The other fellow's putting handcuffs on him. Who's taking him away? Chicken, I can't understand this. There must be some mistake, Chicken. Don't worry, I'll be back. Well, where? There won't be long anywhere from six months to five years depending on his good behavior. See you again. We missed you. Well, I've been staying pretty close to my room this last week. I've had a terrible experience. Where is Elmo? I understand she and Al are getting married. Well, she thought they were, but I don't know. Ah, there she is. And how sad to keep right to me. Oh, Mrs. O'Reilly, did you hear? Some horrible person made trouble for Al. Oh, that's a shame. Anyone who could do a thing like that must be of the lowest type, like the skunk who swindled me. Oh, someone swindled you? Yes, but never mind. What happened with Al? Oh, golly was doing so well in business selling his baby-faced magic youth restore. And then someone went ahead and had him put in jail. If I ever meet that person, the person who will ruin my head, troubles. Well, I sure do. Yes, Mrs. O'Reilly, who swindles you? Me? Oh, and I think someone wants to talk to me on the phone. I didn't hear the bell ring. They want me to keep it as secret. Sorry. Hello? Honest business mural? This is Kathleen O'Reilly. I filed a complaint about baby-faced youth restore and now I'd like to withdraw it. What do you mean I can't withdraw it? I must. I mean, the stuff really works, really. It made me young again. What? They send a man over to check for time. Four? All right, I'll be here and don't be late because I want to go to the playground and skip rope. The only day I just hope this works. Hello? Can you use customers? This is Mrs. O'Reilly. Do you have any kitty costumes? You do? What size do I wear? Well, I can't give the information over the phone. This is a party line. I'll be right down. Well, I said, Mrs. Peterson, I'll have nothing to do with it. So, Mr. Claude, I've worked for you for six years. Don't you think I deserve something? Yes, but the law won't allow me to do it. Three years ago, your boyfriend manufactured Professor Owl's strength capsules and you sold me a bottle. Well, didn't they give you strength? Oh, I never used them. I tried them out on our great days. We had to keep them in the house because the rabbit next door would beat him up every morning. You mentioned your boyfriend to me. Now, what I'm asking you to do is very simple. You see, some woman tried Owl's baby face youth restore and replied him to the Honest Business Bureau. Yes. Well, if you can find out who the woman is, I'd be good to drop the charge. Oh, all right. If only to shut you up. Fortunately, I doubt if there's anything I can do, but, um, well... Hello. Honest Business Bureau, this is Milton J. Clyde, an attorney. Can you give me the name of the party who filed a complaint against baby face youth restore or it's against your policy? Well, uh, can you give me a general description? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see. She sounds like nothing would help her. Well, thank you. Goodbye. I tried nothing doing. Well, thanks ever so much for trying anyhow and as they say in the Navy, I'd like to give you an effort. Now, shall we get down to work? You're, uh... You're not too upset. Well, I don't know. Try me. All right. Take this letter to, uh, the Blue Star Store Company. My client has, uh, Justice Mr. Butler, the same man who has been with us since 1940. Suddenly, your little oven in the room exploded, and flipped off its lid, which cut across the rug, injuring my client. There are more details to follow since early Mr. J. Clyde. Well, I guess I'm all right. I got it all. Good for you. Now, read it back, please. Uh, to the Blue Star Store Company. My client was in the room getting a little lovin' from the Butler. That's fine. They started to cut a rug, he flipped his lid, and he hasn't been safe. More details will follow. Why, you idiot, get out of here! Idiot! Mr. Clyde, don't you know it's not nice to call a lady named? Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Peterson. Yeah? Go home, you idiot! And, Jamie, the amazing thing is this book on schizophrenia says that some of these people who crack up become other personalities to escape reality. Some of them think they are famous people, others think they are little children. Oh, that's very interesting. That's almost four o'clock. I think I'll go down have some tea with Mrs. O'Reilly. I talked to her an hour ago, and she seemed so tense. Jamie, do you mind if I go down with you? I don't know. Now go off. Come on, let's go. Well, what could happen to Mrs. O'Reilly? Mrs. O'Reilly, she's as steady as an old war horse. Only she looks like she lost the war. Believe me, after what I've been through today with Alan Irma, I don't... Oh, here's Mrs. O'Reilly. Do I knock? Mrs. O'Reilly, did you hear that? Yes. I've never heard her go around imitating a child. The way she sang was most unusual. I think the word is sickening. Maybe I ought to knock again. Go ahead. I'm going to look through that keyhole. Jamie. What do you see? Two old wrinkled bald heads. He's got company. No, no, no. My mistake. Those are needs. Yeah, yeah. She's wearing a little girl's dress. What? Yeah, yeah. And a curly wig. Oh, my goodness. What does she look like? Well, I can only describe her this way, Jamie. Centuries ago, among certain tribes, they used to... they used to do away with little girls. And this may revive the custom. Let me look, huh? Let me look. Oh. Well, it all fits, doesn't it? Just like the book says, tension, worry, escape from reality. Come to think of it, we haven't seen her for two days, and when we did, she seemed too nervous. Oh, Professor, you think it's too late? I don't know. Come away from the door. You know, a friend of mine teaches psychology. Let me see what time it is. No, I can have him here by four o'clock. All right. Yeah, I was looking all over for you. Guess what? Please, Emma, not now, not now. But I just came from the honest business bureau, and at four o'clock, they're going to interview the woman who made the complaint against Al. Hey, Madame, please, be quiet. The tragedy has struck our lives. Well, what happened? Mrs. O'Reilly has lost her marbles. Mrs. O'Reilly, who's always been like a mother to me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no crying. It's all fearless control, I tell you. But I remember her as she was. So let's go back 50 years. You know, it seems so terrible to read about these things, suddenly, suddenly it happened, like a bolt from the blue. O'Reilly, she was always so nice and kind. I think she'd do anything just so I'd be happy. Don't cry, honey. Don't cry. She was like a mother to me, too. Well, my dreams are greater than the two of you, because to me, she was like a grandmother. What are we going to do? Four o'clock. Four o'clock will tell the story. And in the meantime, let's try to be cheerful. Come on, everybody, everybody, relax. Dear man, before we go in, I can't tell you how grateful we all are that you could come by. I only hope I can be of some help in diagnosing her condition. I'm ten minutes early because my psychology lecture was shorter than usual. Shall we go in? Yes, yes. But don't reveal who I am. You see, it'll help my study if she wasn't aware that I was a world-famous psychologist. She's too bad you had such a small car. If you had a Cadillac, we could tell her you're the plumber. I'll knock. Hello, hello, little Kathleen. This gentleman was in the building. Yes, yes, I know. I was expecting him. Expecting him? Typical manifestation. Dream world syndrome. Oh, how do you feel, Mrs. O'Reilly? Oh, fine, fine. Do you like my titty-desson machine, Bummit? Oh, it's lovely, dear. Would you want me to like to play hopscotch with you? Please, please, girl, just control yourself. Mrs. O'Reilly. Want to play post office? No, no, no, thanks. What I would like to know is, well, tell me all about yourself. Well, three days ago, I was a very old and tired woman. That's right. I saw her. Believe me, nobody was ever so old and so tired. But I've been getting younger and younger every hour since I started drinking babyface to my diffuse restorers. Babyface? Yes. Then I want this gentleman to go back to the honest business, you know, and tell him how wonderful babyface he really is. Honest business, girl. What's this all about? Aren't you the man from the honest business, girl? No. Lordy B, you must think I'm not... Yeah, but he's only got a quarter interest. We all think you're nice. So, Raleigh, we've been worried sick. You mean to say that you're the one who put in a complaint? Yes, but when I found out that the stuff was made by Alan, how much I was hurt in Irma, I got desperate. Oh, Mrs. Raleigh, you mean you were doing all this for me? Yes. Oh, I love you. And I knew the moment I walked in here there wasn't anything wrong with your mind. You look just as normal as I do. Oh, I think that... Oh, my goodness, give Mrs. Raleigh a leave. Why? I mean, I must convince him I looked younger than I was when I bought the youth drink store. Then I'll really be free. Uh-huh. Now I guess. Well, Mrs. Raleigh, you'll never fool anybody in that costume. Not as long as they can see your knees and face. I tell you, you hide in the bedroom and let Irma say that she is Mrs. Raleigh. Do you think it'll work? Don't worry, I can convince anybody. Oh, that's right. Can't watch. All right, Irma, I'll go in the bedroom and I won't come out unless you call me. Glory be to sin, I'll get in the bedroom. I'm from the Honest Business Bureau. Oh, yes, I mean... You're expecting me? Yes, babyface says, wondering. You mean you're Mrs. Raleigh? Amazing, isn't it? How did it happen so suddenly? Hmm. Now that you see how it works, I guess you'll have to let out a go. I guess so. Oh, I'm so happy. You know it's wonderful when things turn out right. Yes, I guess so. I, um, I think I'll leave now. Oh, what's your hurry? Would you like to pee? No, I wouldn't mind. It looks worse every time I see it. That guy will get 50 years.