 or another, we have heard of violence occurring in homes, wives, children being beaten. However, domestic violence is more than that. It includes emotional, financial, and psychological abuse, not just against women, but rather men, children, and elderly. Respective viewers, brothers and sisters in Islam, Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh. Welcome back to another episode of Real Talk with the Muslim Counselor. I'm your host, Rana Hamid, and today we'll be discussing the topic of domestic violence with Sister Barak Haseen. Assalamu alaikum, Sister. Waalaikum assalam. We want to, again, start off this episode with saying, what is domestic violence and why is it considered a mental health issue? Domestic violence is when there is abuse happening within the home, not necessarily against women, but it could be against children as well as men. There's always a misconception that it's always violence against women. It is most commonly against women because this is what the statistics show in terms of when people come out and ask for help or report it, but it's also within the society that the weaker gender is the woman and the stronger gender is the man, right? And so in the household, you don't really hear much about men being abused, but that does happen. How this affects our mental health is huge, to say the least. When we talk about abuse, there's a cycle of abuse as well, which we'll get into later. But when we're talking about domestic violence in the case of, let's say, a man, a husband against his wife or vice versa, but in most cases, it is the man against the woman. It's about control. It's about dominance. It's about isolating the woman from her family or the spouse from the family, friends from work potentially. This then leads to the isolation, then leads to loneliness, then leads to the other issues that we discuss, such as depression, thoughts of suicide, anxiety, worry, fear. So the spouse that is being abused will exhibit these symptoms within themselves and within the community. They become withdrawn. They don't become as engaged, whether it's their work or the community or within their family. And people will start noticing these things. The dominant or the abuser, the abusing spouse will make sure that they're cut off from everybody else because of control. They will control how they dress. They will control how they eat and what they eat. They will control what they say and what not to say. And that's why when we say violence, domestic violence, it's not just physical beating, but it's actual dominance and control with the mental abuse, psychological abuse, control over finances, sexual abuse as well. So it's not just the physical. And so people don't understand, you know, how can a, let's say, a strong woman, and you hear this a lot and I hear this in cases of people who, you know, strong, vibrant women, you eventually hear that they've left their partners or they've ran away or gotten divorced. It's like you, you have, you know, you have been involved in such a case. You have been controlled and abused by men, but you're such a strong woman. How did you let that happen? What did you do to let him do that to you? Yeah. These are the questions that we hear and the ridiculous questions, if you think about it, because they come from a place of ignorance. So we'll get into more of it later. But this is how it does affect the mental stability of somebody, because eventually the person who is being abused, whether it's a man or a woman, will become withdrawn, will become isolated, will exhibit symptoms of depression, will have thoughts of and feelings of what's the point of life. They will feel helpless and hopeless and eventually, you know, want to have thoughts of taking their lives. So this is how it can affect the spouses. Children who witness violence and witness this abuse either pick up, start behaving like the abuser and the cycle of abuse then continues as they grow older, because this is, you know, a child, let's say a male who sees their father mistreat their mother will think, this is how you're supposed to treat women or vice versa. When children, women, young women see their mother disrespect and abuse the father, then this young woman will see and think, this is how you're supposed to treat men. But I mean, we have children who, you know, come out and say, you know, well, my parents, you know, my dad beats my mom all the time, and I know this is wrong and I want to run away from this. I don't want to deal with this, but them growing up, they end up doing the same exact thing. Even though they knew that from the beginning, this was wrong. This is what modeling does when you are in a household and a family and a child sees this behavior modeled in front of them. You will have children who will understand this is wrong and they will break that cycle, because this is all they have been exposed to. This is what they think is the right way of behaving. So they will continue. And this is why we have the hadith of the prophet when he talks about the third of the hadith of the third in terms of developments from zero to seven, you know, treat them as they are your masters. And then from seven until the next stage, you know, you are their master in the sense that you train them. They are your slaves, so to speak. And then the third part of the theory is that they are your friends later on. So during these different stages, and then you have also modern Western psychological development theories, which are very similar. They fall in line with our Islamic beliefs as well in terms of different stages of development and how each stage of development, there's an influencing factor. And the prophet teaches us during this stage, this is what you teach your child. Modern psychological theories prove what we've known 1400 years ago with what the prophet Imam Jafar Sadaq also has related this hadith. Because during this timeframe, let's say during these specific timeframes, the child is developing and taking everything from the universe like a sponge around them. So they are influenced by the parents and the Islamic concept of development is heavily reliant upon the parents. Whereas more the Western psychological theories are reliant upon peers and teachers around us in the education system. So it's the difference between the two. My point being here is to answer your question is during these different stages of development, the mind of the child or the developing mind will take in what's happening around them. So if this child or this developing mind is seeing the father or the mother disrespect and abuse and abuse the child, this child will take this in as part of their schema as part of their background of how you behave and treat other people, whether they believe it's right or wrong. Some will break that cycle as they grow older and say, no, this is wrong. I will not repeat this in my relationship with women and men around me. I will not. And I hear this from my clients as well. I see this is wrong. My mother mistreated my dad. I'm not gonna disrespect men like that or vice versa. So it's amazing how the child's brain develops, but then you have the modeling factor of the parents in front of this child or the family or the society or the peers that will influence and impact this child and their development and how they will repeat behavior as they grow older, whether it's abusive behavior or not. So how can we deal with this issue? In what sense? In the sense that this child is, he knew that this is wrong and he ends up doing it and it leads him into other problems. How can he save himself from going through domestic violence or committing domestic violence? There is no specific way of stopping it unless, let's say, within this scenario of the family home where there is this violence that is taking place, it comes down to, let's say this man will leave this situation or this woman will leave this situation. And we know in our community, there's no rahmah when it comes to the topic of divorce. This is something that we definitely need to talk about in further episodes. But for the topic for today, we're just gonna look at it very briefly. So to break the cycle of abuse, I do believe that, and we have to sin our faith as well, it shouldn't, first of all, it doesn't exist. We have the misconceptions of that within our own community that Islam is against women, Islam hurts women, et cetera, et cetera. Again, that's a whole other topic. However, with these misconceptions that we have, we have to understand how this is gonna affect the child in the next generation of Muslims, the next generation of productive people in our society. So people who lead these violent situations have the opportunity to reprogram their children, so to speak, before it's too late for them to repeat this type of behavior and teaching, because it is a responsibility of the parents to model correct behavior and teach the child proper Islamic values and to be contributing, meaningful contributing members of our society. And so when you have this violence, it's gonna have a huge impact. Children who witness violence against either parents, it's gonna affect them emotionally, whether it's attachment issues with the parents, trust issues, people in the world, peers. And also when they get into relationships, they get older. So it really does start in the home, the parents and the ignorance of the parents as well. What they're doing is wrong. What they're doing is not good for each other and against their children. And then again, you do have the issue of men misunderstanding their rights in Islam towards their wives and children, of course. Because we always have the men is superior over the women. But then this, I am the Quran is misinterpreted. This is not me saying it. This is what our Anama, this is what the Prophet, this is what the Imams say. It's not Qawamuna. Ananisa. Ananisa and change of control over it. The concept of this is straight from them, again, not us. This is a responsibility that man has towards his wife and children. But it's misinterpreted as the man having control and dominance. And this is something that is very, the root of the problem I would imagine when we talk about family issues in our society and when it comes to domestic violence, where the men believe that they do have the right to have control, but what does control mean? Also hurt their wives and children. Sahih, it's all a matter of understanding the concept. Understanding, but not only that, you call yourself a follower of Adid Bait and whatnot, yet you're not exhibiting the Imams themselves how they treated their wives and their children. So there is a huge, you know, disconnect here between following and actually applying what we have been taught in terms of child development, in terms of family values and what is a healthy family. Thank you so much. Respective viewers, please stay tuned after the spring. Welcome back, respected viewers, as we finish our topic. Now, domestic violence is a big issue. But why is this such an issue in our community? Why is it really being spoken about? It's the concept of shame when you think about it. Nobody goes into marriage thinking that they're gonna divorce or be with an abuser. It doesn't matter what type of personality somebody is, how religious or spiritual or what their educational background is. An abuser is an abuser is an abuser no matter what. You can have somebody who's a mu'amman and he'll beat his children and wife, which I have seen in many cases and you'll have the least educated person or the least religious person who treats a spouse like a king or queen. So you have these factors, but there is that factor of shame because we put on a front to the world of the perfect home, the perfect house, the perfect job, the perfect spouse, the perfect children, the perfect job, et cetera, et cetera, because we want to show it to the world that we're happy, but really inside people are dying. You're portraying a different, bringing out the other side of the face. Yeah, that is not genuine. And I find that this is really disturbing picture that we see on social media of the bride and the groom standing where he's holding her arm and it's behind her back. And they're both smiling, but you see a straight look on her face and then you see the back of the picture and her arm is all bruised. It's a pretty powerful image of what domestic violence could look like. And it could be vice versa when we talk about men and women and the dynamics there. Now what I find interesting though is in the last few years on the mamba and the lecture circles and within our communities because we've been pushing the agenda of mental health out there, especially from an Islamic Muslim perspective, I've seen a lot of chefs, a lot of lecturers actually tackling these issues now and I give them props to that, including the topic of domestic violence. They are realizing what a problem it is, especially when it comes to the topic of divorce, the issue of divorce within our community. We know this is the least favorite of Allah's halal, but we also know that it needs to be approached when you're dealing with a situation where there is no solution for the spouses here. And that has to happen. We also know the problems that are involved and this is a whole other show, but I just want to touch upon it. There's shame around that. But what I'm referring to is the power dynamics and the control when it comes to giving the woman the divorce. Men will use that as part of the abuse, as control over the woman. They will not give her the divorce. They will go and marry and have another life while this woman is muallaka. She's still tied to this man and she will not be able to move on in her life. This is the case. We've seen this. So many different chefs. So many different imams, so many different even in the non-Muslim communities will consult with me on these cases because we see that it is a problem in the community where the man will not give the divorce and the woman is left for years, left in this situation. How does this affect her mental health? Hugely. And I've actually brought this up to the Marjahiyah. How are they dealing with this? Because there's a lot of corruption that is going on as well where you see that these men will pay off these chefs not to give the divorce to the woman. How does this affect the mental health of these women? You tell me, how does it affect them? It will isolate these women. It will affect these women in the sense that they do not have faith anymore in these authority figures. Because they turn to them for help. And when they've been told, have more patience. Be like Lady Zaynab, alaihi salam. I don't think Lady Zaynab would approve when it comes to dealing with this kind of patience. This is not the type of patience. This is violence against women. This is abuse. And this is unacceptable in our faith. And we always tend to put the religious part on the lady but then when it comes to the man they don't tell him, well you have to be, you have to do the religious part as well. Well they don't follow. That's the thing. They will follow the cultural norms so that they won't follow the religious obligations. And I find it ironic, especially when we have Majalis and let's say we attend the Fatamiyat where we are there to give condolences to the Prophet for the demise of his daughter where she was murdered and she experienced violence against women herself. And we don't think about that. Think about it though. Sayyidah, Fatima alaihi salam experienced violence against women from the same men who proclaimed to be followers of the Prophet. These men that attend these Majalis are the same ones that beat their chest. It's saddened for Sayyidah, Fatima alaihi salam but the same ones that beat their chest beat their women and children at home. So the irony there is quite big and it is something that we don't talk about publicly that needs to be, and like I said, recently we've seen more and more discussion on the topic, Alhamdulillah. But we need to address it and even at the Marja'iya level and the community level, the people in authority, because they are abusing, they're using psychological abuse against the weaker or the vulnerable in the community and not letting them live their lives because there's no such thing in our faith that has, in our religion that has that type of control over the other person. It's a culture that dominates that. However, if we take a look at it, you know, at that microscopic level in terms of what is happening case by case, what does this do to the image of Islam in the West? What does it do to the image of the woman in Islam in the West? It's pretty demeaning. And what does it do for these women who lose faith in the people of authority and the people that they turn to for help? I've heard of cases of women leaving the faith where they take off their hijab and they commit zina and they do all sorts of things away from the faith because faith has, not the faith rather, the people who hold the position of authority to help them have failed them. So it is unfortunately happening and I'm speaking from personal experience with people that I have helped and been dealing with all sorts of cases all over the world locally and whatnot. And Alhamdulillah, there are good men out there and good women who are trying their best to work with this issue, get the proper help. And what we need to do in our communities when women or men come to the authorities to get help is not to shame them and tell them you need to be more patient. You need to struggle more. No, when there is one finger lifted against the other person or some psychological abuse going on, there is such a thing as being patients and working with people to helping them get to a level where they can live happily with each other. But when it comes to violence, one finger laid on the other person is enough and it's not acceptable. So we need to have an environment where we can allow these people to come get help, support rather than shame and push them back to that violence, give them the opportunity to begin life again and have faith in the authorities and the people in our communities and our faith to help them move away from this because this is not acceptable. Of course. And it will affect the next generation of people. Of course. I wish we had more time to talk about this topic. It's such a great topic and I hope the audience and the viewers, they start to open their mind about this topic and the subject because it is big. It's big and it's happening but we don't talk about it. So thank you so much, Sister Barak. Respected viewers, brothers and sisters, stay tuned for more episodes.