 You ask, we answer. Welcome to Can This Marriage Be Saved, where we go up against common relationship problems and help you determine if this relationship should stay or go. Okay, tonight we're here with Riffben Schlomo-Slakken and we are talking about communication problems. Schlomo, I know that one of the top problems that our readers struggle with are communication problems and communication issues. Why do you think that is the number one issue that couples are reporting in that they're experiencing as their number one problem? I would think there's so many things that are so much worse. Of course, if a couple is struggling or suffering from infidelity, that's number one usually, but there's so many couples that are reporting in that communication problems are their number one frustration in their marriage. Why do you think that's so? All of those issues that couples have need to be discussed. So even if the issue is infidelity, if they can't communicate, they can't work on the issue because there's nothing to talk about. We can't not communicate. So whether it's through words or through body language, the way of interaction is to communicate and speech is what makes us uniquely human. So that's something that we're going to have to be able to deal with in a relationship. And most of us don't really know how to talk about difficult issues. We don't know how to ask for our needs. We don't know how to say it in a way that makes each other feel safe. And we often get triggered and get reactive. So just having a simple conversation about something could lead to a big explosion in a relationship which leads to negative energy and discord. And it's sometimes quite challenging to even get back to the table and get back to the positivity. So communication is really the foundation of any successful relationship. So you're saying maybe it's number one because about every single issue that a couple has to deal with, they have to first deal with communication. So if you're having trouble with money or you're having trouble in the bedroom, you need communication to be able to talk about those things. And if you don't have the ability to communicate about those things, then you can't really do it at all. Is that what you're saying? That's right because if you can't tell your partner what you need from them, if they can't hear what you need from them, then how can you get your needs met and how can they meet your needs. So it's important to learn a way where you can really express what you're feeling because your partner can't read your mind. And to learn a way in which you can listen but you can really hear what your spouse is saying and not just get defensive or interpret or have it go in one ear and out the other. Okay, that makes sense. Now, what are some quick tips for how people can improve their communication? Well, the first thing to do is to be intentional, to think about when they're communicating what their intention is, what the purpose of the communication is. Deep down inside, we all want to connect. I don't think any of us really want to hurt our spouse, but sometimes it sure seems like it to our spouse when we hear our spouse talk to us in a way that's not so nice. So first of all, having the intention that what I'm about to share is for the purpose of connection and for the purpose of the greater good of the relationship. So to have that in mind. And one of the ways to do that is to make sure your spouse is available to hear you. So before you get into that part, when you're saying the intention, so how do you do that, though, if you're really angry with your spouse? You know, you're saying you should have the intention that this conversation is going to be to connect. But what if you're really irritated with your spouse? How can you have in mind that, you know, I'm about to have a conversation with my spouse, but I'm really angry. I would think it would be very hard to keep in mind that you really want to connect. Well, it would be hard. And it could be that if you are angry that it's probably not the best time to speak to your spouse. But even if you can't hold back or you feel like you need to speak to your spouse at this time, you need to think about, well, think selfishly for a minute. What is your intended result? Do you want your spouse to change and to do what you want? And this is, you know, like the worst case scenario, let's say you're not at the level of thinking about connection, but you want your spouse to change and do what you want. So logically, how do you get that? If you put your spouse on the defensive, if you pick on them, if you criticize them, if you yell at them, they're probably not going to do what you want. They're probably not going to change and they're probably just going to get reactive and blame you. So if you want them to change, if you're frustrated about something and you want things to be different, then you want to make sure instead in a way that they'll actually be able to hear and receive it so that they actually will be open to changing. Is that just kind of like some kind of trick, like a, you know, a manipulating type of thing where you get your spouse to do what you want? No, it's not manipulating. I mean, I'm just saying from a selfish perspective, you know, you can have that in mind, but ultimately you want things to be different and you're hurting. So it's to your benefit. It's something that it's to the relationship's benefit. If you're miserable in a relationship and something needs to change and you want something to be different, then you need to be able to articulate it in a way that your spouse will hear it so that change can happen. Otherwise, you know, if you just want escalation and you want things to get worse and you want continued conflict, then go ahead and yell at them and just kind of dump on them. But if you really want positive change and you want things to be different, then you have to say it in a way that they can receive it, even if you're angry with them. Very interesting. I'm thinking of what some of the questions are that readers have sent us, you know, over the time that we've asked for questions to come in. I know that communication issues were definitely number one. I guess, you know, I'd like to know more about why communicating is so hard. You know, if it's seemingly so easy to do, you know, have a bit of decency and respect and speak in a nonviolent way, non-reactive, why is it so hard? Communication is hard because I think most of us lack emotional maturity or that's what we're kind of going towards. We're growing towards. We're aiming towards. We're hoping to achieve that. But in many ways, both partners are really like two children that don't know how to ask for what we want. We don't know how to say things in a mature way. And, you know, we just see constantly interpersonal relationships, even not in marriages. People get offended easily. They don't say what they want. They don't say what they mean. People's feelings are hurt. Relationships are damaged. And if people would be more emotionally mature than an upfront with people and honest and safe with people, then it would be much easier for people to get along and to really know what people are thinking and to avoid any of these miscommunications and assumptions that occur in, and I would say, majority of our relationships. So it is a skill that is to be learned and to become emotionally mature, to understand what we're feeling, to be conscious of what's triggering us, to ask for what we need, to find that beneath the frustration instead of focusing on what the other person is doing wrong, to take ownership instead of blaming, to differentiate. I think that's one of the most difficult things that we see couples have a hard time with. And when we teach couples dialogue process, it's really helping them become dialogical and differentiating and realize that they're not their spouse. They don't need to feel the same way about things. They can have different opinions and it can be okay. And it in no way invalidates the other person's point of view. It's a very hard concept to understand, but if we're looking from a childish perspective and kind of a black or white, it's either my way or the highway, you know, I'm right and you're wrong. But a mature perspective is able to see that we both can have valid opinions and we don't have to be with each other and that's perfectly okay. But that's something that even children, it takes them time to be able to get to that level of maturity to be able to not think black or white in relationships. It takes work to get to that maturity to be able to see that both of you can have a valid point of view. Now, I know in your marriage mastery program, you really delve in depth with how to communicate, how to have an amago relationship dialogue and to really make the time to speak together with your spouse to have a dialogue. And I don't want to get into that right this minute, but I'm thinking of a particular example that maybe if you can help me with for how to kind of communicate on the fly with someone who doesn't really know that I'm about to, you know, enter into a dialogue with them. There's a particular family member of ours that I feel that every time she comes over and sees our little son, she expects him to right away maybe give her a hug or say hello, and sometimes he's in the middle of playing. And she takes great offense to that if he doesn't say hello to her. And I know that, you know, he's a four-year-old and he's playing and I know that there's different developmental stages for little boys and they don't necessarily feel comfortable, you know, dropping what they're doing to say hello to an adult. And it's becoming a little bit of a frustration for me that every time she comes over, I can see her getting irritated with him and kind of forcing him to say hello to her. How can I, you know, have a quick conversation? Does it need to be so serious? Do I need to make a time and ask her to sit down or can I say, you know, something kind of like just, you know, casual like, you know, I see that you want our son to, you know, pay attention to you when you come in. But, you know, if he's in the middle of playing, it's going to be hard for him. What can I do to kind of make that go easier? Well, the first thing I think that would be helpful for you is just before even having a conversation with her is to realize that it might seem like a kind of almost irrational response that she's having. And to understand that there's probably something that could trigger that she's having and have compassion for her that she's coming from a wounded place. For some reason, this fact that our son is not saying something, it's triggering her, really bothering her almost in an irrational way. So there's something deeper there. Just knowing that and knowing that she's not being malicious might help you, you know, deal with it better and overlook it, but unless be less confrontational or reactive about it. But also, once you do speak with her, you know, you don't have to have a formal dialogue, but even just to say, you know, wanted to talk to you about something, you know, when you're available to talk about it as you said, you know, when you expect our son to say hello, you know, it sometimes upsets me because I feel like well, that you're getting upset with him and you have judgments about him and I really don't think he's doing anything malicious not to say hi to you, but, you know, he might be in the middle of something, might be in the middle of playing or explaining that, explaining that, you know, it's an age thing. We had other kids that did the same thing and they've grown out of it and he will too. And in no way is he trying to offend you or be rude or show that he doesn't care about you. And that's helpful because I think that's what's actually allowed me to go this far with her is because I do know that there's a story there and I do have compassion for her story. So I think that's what's held me back for so long but it's starting to get to me a little bit more. I know I've heard you talk before, not in session, but just in your material about getting curious and maybe I can also add in my conversation with her and say, I'm a little curious about, you know, what it is that bothers you so much or why you feel so offended by it. I mean, I hope I can have the patience to kind of hear that because I am a little bit upset by this situation but the idea of curiosity makes me curious. So I'd love to hear more about that. Yeah, a lot of times we have all these ideas about what's going through the other person's head and we want to kind of put those aside and they get curious and allow them to share and allow them to open up and you know, to kind of put yourself aside, empty yourself out and really, you know, know that there's something there that makes sense and know that there's a deeper story and just really want to listen and sincerely want to hear where they're coming from and what upsets them so and that attitude of curiosity will make the other person feel safe enough to open up and feel that you really care about what they have to say. And what can I do if while I'm genuinely trying to get curious she's starting to explain herself and I find myself getting a little bit, you know, of a rise going on or I'm getting a little bit upset. Instead, I know what I would want to do which would be to respond but I know that you don't have people do that in a mago. Right. I mean, you could mirror back and peep back what she said but if you're not doing it in a formal context then you could just kind of internally mirror yourself meaning imagine yourself mirroring back as opposed to just saying anything out loud to her but also just having in mind that she has a story and that you're just going to keep listening until it makes sense to you. And what do you mean by internally mirroring? I haven't heard that before. Instead of repeating back what I heard you say is this you can kind of almost inside of yourself instead of that internal reactivity where you kind of want to just respond and say something just imagine yourself talking within your head almost you know, what I heard you say was X, Y and Z meaning knowing that what she's saying is her perspective and it's not something that you need to take personally and you're really still it's just kind of an internal reminder that you're still in her world. I like that. So you really can just kind of say inside of yourself and that works. It can be helpful to self-regulate so that you don't get reactive. That's very interesting and for whoever's listening if you're more curious about the Amago Dialogue we recommend that you read our blog or get your hands on Marriage Mastery which is our audio visual program which goes very much into detail about how to communicate properly and effectively and we model in our DVD program how we actually have a formal Amago Dialogue and how you can have them at home for optimal communication. Let's see what other readers have written about communication being a problem for them. I mean there's always you know verbal abuse is an issue name calling you know kind of the more aggressive ways of communicating those are you know a problem for many people I don't know what you would say about that because that's kind of a whole nother topic but what would you say if somebody feels like their communication is abusive? Are you talking about the person who's talking in the quote-unquote abusive way or the person who's on the receiving end? I mean I guess I was thinking of the person on the receiving end but really anything that would help I guess you know either spouse can become verbally abusive at any point in time and there's probably different forms of verbal abuse like criticism and you know passive aggressiveness and there's just so much in communication that can go wrong it seems. Well again if there's something that's bothering you and you want to criticize your spouse think about what you want as opposed to what is not being done correctly. So meaning if there's something that obviously if you're feeling critical there's something and you're upset about your spouse something they did so instead of focusing on what they did wrong think about what you need from them. So what I need from you instead of you don't clean the house you just leave it a mess and I can't stand coming home from work and seeing this it really mean a lot to me if the house were clean it would help me have peace of mind and share why it's important to you and you see how that's so much different if you're coming from a place of negativity and criticism so your spouse's response is just going to be to go the other way they're not going to hear it it's almost they're going to put up a wall it's like whatever you're saying it's not even penetrating if you're saying it in a non-threatening way then your spouse is more likely to be receptive of course anything that's yelling screaming outbursts of anger they're very unhelpful in our relationship and we talk about these in the program and detox your marriage about the importance of removing such language from your relationship but for those of you who feel that you have those feelings brewing inside again understanding what's going on why am I feeling angry and what am I not getting and basically just like a child acts out when they're not getting their needs met so if we don't know how to use our words we're going to act out in ways that are not beneficial for the relationship so think about learning how to express what you need and what you feel in a more mature way by getting in touch with what's bothering you and explaining to your spouse what you need from them as opposed to what's wrong I think some people's fear though is that if they don't yell and scream they're not going to get what they want that's what they learn growing up because we learn growing up we have certain adaptations that protect us growing up so some of us didn't get our needs met unless we made a big fuss so we're afraid that in our relationship that's the only way that we can get a spouse to meet our needs but that protected us growing up but that's going to do the opposite of what we want in a mature relationship why is that? it's because usually our spouse is going to have the opposite reaction if we're the more aggressive one who needs to make a big fuss when they don't get their needs met they're more likely to be the one to retreat the minimizer so the more that we get aggressive the more they're going to retreat so we're basically exacerbating the situation so we're exacerbating the situation by speaking up in a way that is aggressive so we need to get ourselves safe and to realize that this is not our childhood and that this is our spouse and we can be open to a new possibility that we can really get our needs met if we could ask in a different way do you think it really works? I've seen it work time and time again so I know that it works I mean I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine on the phone and she says she comes home her husband's taking care of the kids and she comes home and there's dishes in the sink and the house is a mess and she says I just tell him I nag him you couldn't do the dishes you can't even hear that you want the dishes done because he thinks you're nagging him so he just kind of shuts down do you think that's kind of what happens? Of course when people are nagged they put up their defenses and they don't want to do it and they're not able to see it for what it is they're not able to see wow it was really hard for you you come home from a long day of work and you're tired and hungry and the last thing you want to do is you can't see it from a rational perspective they go straight to that reactive part of their brain so the nagging is almost like a switch to say turn off my ears I'm not going to hear what you have to say and I'm just going to put up my defenses and I'm going to put up a wall and I'm not going to give in and I'm not going to do anything for you because you're just pushing me and pushing me so nagging really is unhelpful in a relationship so again we want to come from a perspective of the kids and I realize that you probably were busy and it would really mean a lot to me if you could do the dishes or let's talk about how we can figure out a way where we can make that happen because it would really be important to me and the more that you can share about why it's important and the more you spouse can hear of course I'd love to be able to do that for you so maybe they're not able to for whatever reason but in general they're going to be much more willing to do what you need if you can ask them in a way where they're not feeling threatened I imagine this can be used with parenting as well sure of course if you nag kids nobody wants to be nagged or yelled at or criticized or screamed at right it leads them to shut down well either they're going to shut down and just check out or they're going to just become aggressive and fight back so you're putting them on the defensive and their sole goal at that moment will be to protect themselves and survive however they go about doing that that's about what you have to say they are just in survival mode and very threatened and whatever you ask them to do is not going to be received because you're threatening them and making them unsafe so the goal really is in all communication to create enough safety so that both of you can really show up because if you're not safe you can't show up if you can't show up you're definitely not going to hear or listen or understand what your spouse is saying so let's summarize so for somebody on the receiving end of very poor communication and for somebody that is a poor communicator what do you suggest? on the receiving end do your best to control your reactivity learn some of the tools of mirroring so you can internally repeat back as opposed to respond let your spouse kind of share what they need to do or need to share without responding and getting upset on the sharing end think about your goal the goal is to get your needs met at the very least to connect with your spouse say it in a way that will help you get your needs met say it in a kind way stop criticizing, stop blaming stop saying what you do meaning the other person does and focus on what you need, what I need and when you did this I felt no one can argue with feelings so taking responsibility for what you're feeling and how you're reacting nobody can argue with that and cutting out the criticism of course and saying it in a kind way and not nagging and not blaming but really just taking ownership and asking for what you want beautiful, well that sounds very helpful and I look forward to applying it with everybody that comes my way and especially with you as much as possible and thank you everybody for listening and we look forward to staying in connection with you and everything that we write and everything that we record for you so we'd love to hear your feedback on how this audio has helped you and we ask that you email any questions that you have to us you can just click reply to the email address that you received this audio from and we'll talk to you soon, take care bye bye we hope you've enjoyed listening to today's topic we'll be back again to focus on another topic that is sure to help you with your marriage for any questions or concerns please email us at info at themarriagerestorationproject.com with best wishes for your relationship success