 As-salamu alaikum and welcome to our brand new show on Amal Hussein TV, Making a House a Home, with myself, Raghad Baqal and the Ex-Pyc Life Coach and NLP Practitioner, Faheema Muhammad, who today will be discussing how to practically apply the teachings of Ahl-Bait with the now-daily lives when raising young children into adults. As-salamu alaikum, Faheema. Can you start off by telling us what the teachings of the Ahl-Bait are and how they can be applied when raising our children into adults? Of course, the teachings of the Ahl-Bait is very, very simple. We all address that every year in Bahram and the main teachings, and I would say that we have is the love, the love that we have for our households, the love that we have and we bring to each of our family members. And I think that is very vital and very important for us to not just show that when we are, you know, in the processions, in the Majalis, but to actually bring it home. The love. The love. The teaching of love. The actual love of it. And the thing is that brings upon the strength, that brings about so many different issues of compassion and empathy and understanding. So when we are looking at each other as our siblings, partners, spouses, we have that sort of way of thinking because it will address the way in which we respond to each other, how we react to each other, and it all comes from love. Sacrifice as well. Absolutely. Selflessness. Exactly. You know, that's what we hear a lot in the Majalis. Of course. But the thing is we go there, you know, as a ritual a lot of the times. And we go there as, you know, just as mourners and just as remembering, which is all fair and well. But if you really want to take it to the next level and to bring it into our everyday lives, it's not just to go there and then come out of it in a different light, but actually take it home and bring it to your family. I think what a lot of people forget or do is they call themselves mourners. So they'll mourn for Imam Hussein. Yes. That's what he done. He sacrificed. He loved. He was selfless. They don't think that maybe we should learn from that and be that ourselves, do they? Well, the thing is Imam Hussein, you know, was not just a role model for our Islam. You know, Shia, it was for entire world. There's so many followers. And why is that? There's so many reasons for it. And it, you know, that's why we, I think we take the limited version because we feel that, you know, we're just doing it because it's a ritual, like I said before. And I think that we are missing the opportunity right there to actually use him as a role model and to actually, you know, we all say to be successful in life, even in psychology and in business, we have to sort of mirror our role models. And what better way than the teachings of the Ahlul Bayt, you know, with regards to how they were so, you know, selfless, even in the most testing and challenging times. So those are the great, you know, things to take away and apply that in your daily lives. So when we're going through sort of struggles, when we're going through problems, we easily can get carried away with this day and age thinking that it's modern, even though Islam accepts certain rules and regulations. But actually if you look at the teachings and how they lived in those times, if we had more empathy, more sympathy for each other and one another and bring upon compassion instead of just complaining and, you know, never having enough and always wanting more, then, you know, our households and our communities will be a lot more stronger. Yeah. And if we teach our children as well to be so selfless with each other, then that can help them to grow up to be that much of a better person. I hear you saying the word selfless. I'm not, because that wasn't the main thing. And you know, today it's so common to be narcissists. So it's exactly, it's not just about posting online about yourself, but it's actually the whole concept, the mind about me, that even parents themselves are not even taking consideration of their wives and children or their husbands. And they're just thinking that they're going to move forward and succeed in life because they're just going to put themselves first. And you call yourself a Shia, you call yourself a follower. And if this is how your concept is and this is your way of living, then obviously look at your life and see that obviously it's not going anywhere for those reasons. So that's really important and we are struggling in the community today with all the technology, with all the knowledge, with all the advancements, because the essence is not being taught. The psyche is not in our homes. That's why we're not even teaching our children is the proper way. We're just making them go there, dress in black, you know, recite what they need to, you know, perform them the sheets and have the best voices. But at the same time, are we actually living it? Yeah, so I think it's probably time to go back to basics and raise our children by the teachings of the Ahl-e-Baits and. Yeah. And what are the teachings of the Ahl-e-Baits? You know, it's very simple. You know, besides the love, you know, it's about, like you said, the compassion. It's about being selfless. It's about putting the other person first and you, whoever you may be, the husband, the wife, you know, you have to give a hundred percent. Not depending on what the other person does, but just the fact that that's your values and that's your belief. Whatever your surrounding is, whatever your circumstances, whatever your situation is, you have got to represent your values and your beliefs. So we've got to look at ourselves as, as parents, especially, we have to understand what do we represent? And we only know that if we actually learn what are the teachings? What are each and every Imam, you know, bringing to to help us, you know, to actually overcome whatever challenges that we have? How do they look at their challenges and how do they overcome it? And in in our day, it's so easy to sort of get carried away with such simple things and make it so big. So when our children see us raising concerns, which is not important, and then we complain that, you know, they're not being raised and we have troubled some teenagers, it's only because they're reflecting us. Yeah, I think that the ultimate lesson you can learn from the imams as well as the selflessness is sacrifice. And that's what a lot of people dismiss. No one does that today. And it's always even the small things you can sacrifice. Just sacrifice what you want for something else that the whole family want or your brother would want or your sister would want. So it's just a simple, simple thing. People are not willing to sacrifice anymore. No parents are not willing to sacrifice their own children. And then when the adult, when the child turns into an adult and he's not willing to sacrifice some of his time to come and see his family or his parents, the parents are confused as to why this has happened or why their child's turned out that way. I mean, Islam teaches to respect your parents, to be good to your families and this and that. And, you know, we teach our children these things by verbally expressing it to them. But at the same time, we've got to show them that you want them to respect you. You show respect. You want them to love you. You show love. You want them to really have high regard for you and you have to have those sort of values within yourself. So when they look for trustworthiness, they see it in their in their parents. They know that their parents never lie. They know that they parent when they make a promise, they keep it, you know, things like that. So when they have strong values within the foundations of that household, then and which is carried, you know, from the teachings of the Ahlul Bayt, then then only they themselves will mirror that in their own lifetime. And if no one's saying we're going to get perfect children, they're going to make mistakes, but they're going to know that it's actually right or wrong and they're going to come back out of that, you know, knowing that we need to correct ourselves and we're there to support them as parents, to help them, you know, raise that awareness and, you know, keep them interested, knowing that this is the path that they have to follow. But we have to follow that first as parents and even a message to parents, even if the child doesn't turn out the way that you would want them to. The fact that you have done all these you've taken steps and you've done your best and you follow the teachings of the Ahlul Bayt, at least if they do turn out differently, you can't blame yourself to a certain extent. But to be fair, you know, there's so much hope when you actually are full of the Ahlul Bayt that it will not, you know, it will never go that way. Yeah, you will not go wrong, but just have reassurance. You know, you will not go, you know, because when you're a believer, even now in Haram, you know, when people go to Karbala and they actually there because they want to, they know the miracle, they know what it means to ask for something. And it's all fair and well to say that, you know, we're going there to ask for something, but it starts from here. You have to set the standard by being a certain way first. What am I doing that's not getting me what I want? When you're reading your Salah, when you're giving charity, when you're performing certain things that we have to do, are we doing it wholeheartedly or are we just ticking the boxes? You know, are we just seeing our kids and our parents that everyone can see that this is what we're doing and we can speak about it when we're talking generally? When you're in Salah, it should really be like meditation. It should be so revitalizing. But do we actually feel that afterwards? Because we don't give ourselves even a minute before to reflect that this is our intention. So things like that, it only takes sometimes a few seconds to sit in your Salah before you actually perform it, to actually take control of yourself and to focus that this is what I'm doing with the intent of love, not because it's said and put upon me. You know, all we carry when we go away is our good deeds, but our good deeds come from our intentions and our intentions has to be from our heart, which is pure. And even though we're given free will and good, you know, free choices, there's consequences for our choices and we can only make the right choices if we have the right values and beliefs. We don't understand our values and beliefs because we are conforming to society. We're conforming to what the community says instead of the real belief. The Ahlul Bayt was there years ago, but what they stand for and what they represent people even in today's day and age with the modern psychology, I can reflect to it to say that that's actually what was taught then. But we're naming it differently. So you're talking about intentions earlier. Is it a good idea to share our intentions and our thoughts, the good intentions and the good thoughts with our children? You were saying just before the Salah or before a good deed. Is that would that be a good idea? It's it's all about your timing and how how old your kids are. You know, it doesn't have to be every day, but it's good to do that. Absolutely. It's good to show that you can speak out loud. It's not just do that you're reading. It's actually you speaking to Allah. You're speaking, you know, with the real love and feeling because then the children will understand it a lot better and they themselves will feel it. Yeah, because the reason I asked this is because you see a lot of parents who are so pious and so close to Allah. Yet they seem so far away from their children because they probably I'm not sure what what they think, but they probably feel that they just want to get close to Allah. So they have less time to speak to their children. I'm not really sure what goes on. But you do see a lot of families like that. Well, that's lack of understanding, you know, we can be close to Allah. But if you have to be close to Allah, you have to seek knowledge and seeking knowledge is, you know, you want to get close to Allah, then you get close to the Prophet and the family peace be upon him and his family, you get close to knowing what exactly they represented, how they loved their family. Family is such a blessing. People do not understand the meaning of it. You know, people separate all the time. People have conflict. People have, you know, sort of like struggles within marriages. But at the same time, if you knew the blessing of what a family brings, you'll never, ever let that go because that's the strength that the Ahlul Bayt had even in small numbers, which they carried. And that's why we're carrying that forward today because of, you know, the love that they had for each other, the loyalty and the commitment. Just because you've said something years ago doesn't mean it's broken because you feel differently tomorrow or the years later on. That brings us back to sacrifice and selflessness. You know, sometimes what you want is something else, but you've got your family now. That's what your priority. That's what you need to concentrate on. That's what you need to nurture. So that's what that's where the sacrifice and the selflessness comes in. And people complain all the time. They're not getting the right job. They're not getting the amount of finance that they want. They're not having the most happiest fulfilled lives. But even research have shown in studies that, you know, people in LA compared to people in Calcutta, for example, living in the slums can have the same level of happiness. And why is that? Because the people in Calcutta have at least the value of family within them. You know, so it just goes to show that, you know, it's not about having success as in like materialistic things. It's the family. It's the people that you turn to. It's the people that you can trust and give you support and safety. And this is what the Ahl al-Bayt teaches. When you're bringing children into the world, you've got to give them that. It's not just providing materialistic things. It's not even giving them, you know, the secular education. It's giving them the Islamic education. And it's not just sending them to Arabic school. Arabic school is just an icing on the cake. You have to practice that at home every day. Yeah, yeah. A lot of parents do it. I feel those four hours is enough to the Arabic school is going to give them all the Islamic teachings that the child needs. Absolutely not. People don't realize that our religion is an everyday practice and it can be even more so with the right ways, with today's psychology of patience and sacrifice and a better relationships, you know, building that even in challenging times, we don't need to oppose people. We don't have to be horrible to people, even in the most challenging of situations and times, you know, just because, you know, you think that you in a particular situation, you can break relationships, it doesn't work that way. And our children see that in us and we cannot, you know, say that we see up and where the hijab and where black and stand in front and hold the Imam Hussein flag on one occasion. And then, yeah, the second or third day later after the Ashura, you know, and go thinking that this is normal life, it doesn't work that way. Yeah, that's a complete contradiction. Yes, we cannot be hypocritical about the way in which we live as Muslims. And the problems that are arising today is because of the breakdown in the family unit and it's more and more. And the family unit is the most important, you know, station that you can build. It's the most important foundation for not just your home, but for your community, for even outside communities to actually learn from. So you're teaching your neighbors, you're teaching your, you know, your society around you and your environment. You know, things are allowed in Islam like divorce and lots of other things. But is it right for you? And what are the consequences of that? Under what circumstances? Under what circumstances? Now people are not willing to even, like you said, sacrifice or even, you know, put other people first because they just want things for themselves because all they see is themselves and then they want success. And years go by and they're still in the same situation. They're happy. Am I where I want to be? Is this what I want myself? Well, it's not going to happen if your children are not happy. Me, me, me. Whereas if the person stops and asks himself, will they be happy? Will they be, will they be nurtured? What's the best for them? Exactly. Nobody asks that question. The imams, you know, used to live in times where they used to see their cities destroyed and, you know, their families being tortured and the way in which they would respond and the way in which they would react would be so calm, would be, you know, not having not any emotion, but holding back their emotion. Nowadays, we have youngsters who love Imam Hussein so much. And it's amazing to see that, you know, that strength and the power and that feeling that they have. But then they go on the street and they'll see someone that doesn't respect the imams or doesn't respect the month of Muharram and they want to fight with them. And that's not the way to behave. That's not the teachings. You know, that is obviously a very extreme example that I've used, but I have heard it a lot. That happens a lot. And it happens a lot. After the late Majalis. Yeah, your attitude should not just be when you're in the Majalis. Your attitude should be carried forward when you're even faced with an ignorant person who has no understanding. You give them benefit of the doubt and you actually still nurture them to show them that, you know, this is not what, you know, we represent, even if they actually saying that what you're doing is is laughable. You cannot get angry with them because it's their lack of knowledge, their lack of understanding. And it takes it takes a lot of a person to sort of create and build that habit to sort of control the emotion and that anger because you love Imam Hussein. But then see what the imams did in those testing times, which was worse than what we're facing. And that's the teaching of the Ahlul Bayt. And we can't even go home and be nice to our husbands or nice to our wives or nice to our children after the Majalis or help our families when they're struggling. And we follow the Shi'a and we call ourselves the Shi'a. That's not how the households should be in today. And it should be a lot easier, even better than before, to be able to do that. We're much more capable. Yeah. And there's not a lot more accessible knowledge as well now. Absolutely. But like I said, the knowledge is there. It's not about the knowledge, knowledge we can Google. We can Google the whole library if we wanted, you know, but it's about knowing how to take that knowledge and use it. Understanding it properly, taking the right meaning from it, and not just picking and choosing what you want for the moment as well. Being fair about it, that there might be things that you have to call out on yourselves. That, you know, I'm nice to my peers at work or my colleagues, but when I come home, I'm really rough with the way in which I speak, you know, each other with spouses and your children see that and they hear that and they think it's okay and that's the way to be. And remember, that's how you, you know, you raise children to adults because they mirror what you, you know, show them. Yeah, the main part of raising children is how you act. Teenagers are not a problem. They're not a problem at all, you know, they are the most. In fact, I think it's easy to raise teenagers because they have that understanding and that deep meaning that you can actually interact with them. It's just parents don't have the skill. They don't have the mindset. They don't have the psychology. And the psychology is not just about coaching, it's not about NLP, it's Islamic teaching. And I bring it into NLP and coaching without the Islamic factor in it because it's already been there. You know, having that positive mindset, having patience, having gratitude, these are all taught in, you know, everyday psychology. But we've known this for years, but we still don't use it. Yeah. I mean, you're thinking about teenagers and how a lot of parents don't know how to communicate with teenagers and it's very simple in Islam. This is the three stages. Absolutely. And it tells us how to communicate with each stage. The three stages are extremely, extremely simple. And it's been said that, you know, from naught to seven years old, the child is carefree. And, you know, you should really like, you know, guide them and support them in an area of, you know, bringing awareness by maybe having Quran in the background, by maybe having them recite a line or two. But only after the age of seven, then they should be the one where they're gonna be actually taking orders from parents. They're gonna be taking orders from their teachers from the age of after seven. Yes. And then from age, say, 15, 16 over is when they're gonna be taking on more responsibility. Obviously, there's a lot more to it within the each stages. But even I find in the Arabic schools, they're not even conforming to this because the pressure is put on children under the age of seven to learn things which is beyond their development stage. And even in the English society, in most of European countries which are successful is only because the children have started school later. And I know that nowadays parents are working and they want, you know, child mind and, you know, they want sort of like the children away from the house on a Saturday so they can go shopping or have tea and it's another school day for them. But actually you're missing out on all opportunity and I'm not saying don't send them to Arabic school but make sure that the Arabic school is teaching them through play, for example. They understand the children's development. They understand the mindset. Why put pressure on a four, five, six year old to learn sura when they shouldn't really be doing it at that age? And some of them can and some of them can't but remember what is gonna do to them when they themselves are in that young stage, you know, compared to the others, being forced and being stood out and put in a line where they're all reciting half of them can and half of them can't. What does it do for them? Conquering, petition, yeah. And then they burnt out by the time they actually need to actually learn it. So we need to, as adults, as parents, even if you're not a parent, take responsibility as an adult for your community to advise, you know, schools, Arabic schools, the teachers, the curriculum that, you know, this is the shia, this is the teaching, go easy. You know, go easy because you want them to flourish in the long term, not just for that moment. Yeah. Well, we're coming to the end of the first part of the show. Hopefully you can tell us more about the three stages because it sounds very interesting in the next show. And hopefully after the show we'll be taking some of your questions. Thank you very much. Salaamu alaikum and welcome to the second part of our show, Making a House a Home. Okay, Fahima, so we have some questions coming in from the viewers. Okay. Shall I start off with the first one? Of course, yes. So this is from Sister Rukaya. She wants to know how do we raise our children using the past imams experience? Well, the past imams experience was all about, like we discussed earlier, was sacrifice, but also it's mainly about taking a different perspective on the situation that we face. You know, a lot of the times when we face with challenges, we sort of say, why is it us? Why is it happening to us? And, you know, because we really have a perception of life that everything should go smoothly, change doesn't happen. We're not faced with testings and, you know, obstacles in life. And I think from an early age, as parents, we want to protect our children. We want to make it like life is full of roses and, you know, and cotton wool, but it's not like that. And the earlier that you can sort of slowly implement that, you know, you're not going to get everything that you want and it's okay. And if you're not going to get what you want and you're going to be faced with challenges, it's not because there's something wrong with you or there's something bad onto you or you're being punished for it. It's just that life is a test. That's a constant saying that life is a test. So those teachings from the Ahlul Bayt that life is a test is that we have to accept that, you know, this life is going to be tough and we're going to just be tougher. Even when you were faced in school, we are among so many different characters and people that may or may not like us or teachers that may or may not give us what we want and, you know, faced with all these different challenges. So then the teachings really are about, you know, implementing to your children and expressing to them that this world is just the start, you know, of the real world, the Akhira. So you can tell them that, you know, this is a trial, it's a test, but it doesn't mean that you're not going to be, you know, having a wonderful life, but we're going to come across many obstacles in every stage, in every age so that we need to be ready for it. And what do we do in that sense? Well, the Imams, they had patience. They accepted and they also gave benefit of the doubt to even their enemies. You know, we don't just fight back or we don't just react. We respond and we understand the other side. So those things are really important to teach our children from a young age so they become tougher, not just physically, but, you know, the mental side of toughness is the most vital for raising any child. So you used very important keywords here, just accepting, understanding, benefit of the doubts. These are all things that we should teach our children and bring it from the Imams and teach it to our children. Absolutely. And again, it said, well, when one of the Imams was always imprisoned, a lot of them were at the time and we would look at it as, oh, you know, we're not living life, we're not being able to do what we want, but they used that as an opportunity to actually, you know, practice the religion more. They were actually happy. They were actually saying that one Imam, the seventh Imam, Barqa al-Alayhi salam, used to be like, at least now I've got solitude to just praise Allah. Now, do you think in this day and age, if we were put in that situation, we would actually think in that way? Any sort of obstacle that comes our way, it's a big problem, it's drama, it's why me, we want life to be perfect and we live every day with those complaints. Negativity are then, positivity. And Allah's there to test us in order to bring out the best in us in order for us to grow. So when we look at trials in that light, then you know what, even when they say, you know, with hardship there's ease, it's not after hardship there's ease, it's within that hardship there is ease. So you're still going through the problems, but somehow when you believe in Allah and you practice and you have that patience and you have that trust to what called, you have that complete trust that it's life happens for us, not to us, then you know, within that situation, it becomes calming, it becomes something that you can actually overcome without even, that's the miracle, that's the essence of a believer and that should be taught to your children because you need to sit and explain and you need to give them examples of even things that have happened in your lifetime, you know, with situations in your family and that can actually help them understand depending on the stages that they're at. So what kind of acceptance, yeah. Okay, I have another question from Sister Fatima, and she said, what is the importance of the lessons of the Ehli Bay to our own family homes? To our own family homes, it's about really showing lots of kindness and empathy. We always picking on each other, especially when we live together for a long time, it's hard. You know, when two different people have lived together for five, 10 years, you know, it can be boredom, it could be monotonous, it could be even some sort of resentment because you know, one can see the other not putting their weight or you know, not being to the level of the standard if one is doing well and the other one is. So, you know, I think it's about always having acceptance, always having the kind of kindness towards one another because when you're in a family constantly seeing each other on a daily basis, that is testing times, that is struggle, and to constantly bring in, you know, that compassion and love and empathy, you're just gonna get in each other's nerves. You can't constantly be loving, you can't. So you need to know how to separate that. You need time apart, you need holidays, you need, you know, different types of learning, you need to sort of experience different types of learning and to be grateful for what you have because we're constantly comparing our household to other people's households and we only see the surface. You know, even what we post and we see online, that is just a moment and that's exactly. Everyone posts the perfect moment. But it's not like that even in reality and you think that, oh, that mom is, you know, working and her kids, but when I speak to them personally one-on-one, they're struggling with their children or that father, he's doing so well, Masha'Allah, you know, and he's giving his wife everything and why is my husband not doing that? You know, these things cannot be taken for granted because most importantly, we have our health and we've always remembered that. And secondly, we need to remember that we've been given so many opportunities that we don't take and we're teaching our children the most valuable lessons in life and it's moral conduct and that's been totally mis, you know, sort of like disregarded, misused, teaching discipline, teaching respect, teaching how to behave in different situations. These are the things and the lessons that we need to bring to our homes and telling them stories of the prophets, of the imams, telling them stories, not just of the general things of the tragedy, there's so much more to it and not just in the month of Muharram. You've got to continue this throughout the year. You have to learn these things throughout and bring it to your house on a daily basis. There are certain attributes to each imam. Exactly. And we don't know most of them. Most of them are not. Or our children don't know most of them, yeah. So those things are the things that I would say to bring into your house, you know, talk constantly and maybe in the month of Muharram it's probably not even the ideal time because it's very much ritual, it's very much listening to lectures, but then take away from it during the rest of the months and prepare before that as well and say this is what we're coming towards. Just like in Ramadan, you know, people just say it's so difficult to fast because we only start on the first day of Ramadan, whereas you've got, you know, Rajab Shahaban, you know, to plan, to prepare, to even prepare your body with fasting. And when you do it in advance, it becomes so easy in Ramadan. It's the same with Muharram. It's the same with anything in life that you do, you have to prepare yourself. So don't look at it, just like when you go on holiday, you're gonna prepare, you're gonna buy stuff in advance, you're gonna do all of these things. So when it comes to our religion, when it comes to our teaching, when it comes to our learning, when it comes to our raising our children, it's constant preparation, constant organization, constant learning, constant seeking knowledge. When there's an awareness, when there's an interest, you're gonna want to actually take the next steps. Even if you know how to find it, the answers will come to you and it will, especially when it's something good, don't tell me that, you know, your door is not gonna be answered because you wanna raise beautiful children and you wanna give them the knowledge, it will come to you. Okay, I have a question from a brother and he wants to know, how do we raise our children to respect us as parents? Yeah, I mean, we have to remember our children are human too and they need to be treated how we need to be treated. So whatever you want in life, you know, you gotta show what you want in respect. It's the law of attraction. You put out there and you get it back. So in Islam, we only talk about law of attraction in the last 10, 20 years, but it's been in Islam for a long time. You know, it says you gotta show yourself, your children respect. They have their rights as well. You know, you are not just there to just, you know, have babies after babies and then that's it. There's responsibility for what that comes with it and it's not just about giving them a good name, giving them, you know, security and safety and, you know, the right psychology. It's about, you know, the conduct that you are with them in which you actually, you know, raise yourself and don't get angry with them, you know, show them and discipline them in the most positive way. So there's positive discipline and when you discipline them with love and kindness saying that if you do something wrong, you will be in trouble, but I'm the one person that's gonna help you and I'm the one person that you can turn to support you so that they know that they will come to you knowing that they've done something and they're gonna get told off, but at the same time, you're the one to pick them up, exactly. And the respect will be there when you're honest with them, when you're open with them and you keep your promise. Children, take it to heart, every single thing that you say, you know, they rely on and they look upon their parents with so much, you know, neediness, with so much, you know, that they require, especially when they're young and when you want your older kids to respect parents and to come to you, they're not gonna come to you if you didn't show them and invest in them at the beginning. It's even in business, you have to invest. So your legacy are your children. It's not the business that you're gonna build, it's not the big house that you're going to buy, it is the time and the effort and the love and the conduct and the virtues that you're going to show them. And when you show them from a young age, they will show you when they're older and that's how it's carried forward to adulthood and you don't have to tell them that, oh, you gotta respect your parents, they automatically will come to you because the love is, you know, it's been given to them, so they're gonna give it back to you. You know, it's like you respected them as children, you respected the fact that when you promise something, you ensure that you kept it. So it's always, again, the small things, isn't it? Of course it is. And it's not just the one thing, you know, the most simplest lie and the most simplest promise makes a big difference and they remember that. They remember that, they remember it for years to come as well. So it's not about being there all the time because I know people always say, we're not there all the time, we're working moms, but then there are dads that also have to be there. They also have a plot to play and they do play a part a lot of the times and they're not there all the time but they can make an even bigger impact because it's what they're putting into it and how they're putting into it. So the conversations that they have, the games that they play, you know, the interaction that they have, you know, all these things make a big difference and that creates love and it creates that connection and it creates that, the respect that you can have for each other because of the way in which you talk to one another and if there's something that goes wrong, you know, you've got to know the skills of how to set that straight. You've got to be strict. You can't just love, you know, because you're working and you've got to spoil them. You can't just love because you've got to be strict because this is what the religion said. The religion does not say these things. There is a balance and you've got to figure out what that balance is so that it's, according to the child's development stage, it's according to what the Islam says and the psychology that you need to be in. Okay, thank you. I have one more question and it's from an anonymous person and it says, how do I deal with my children who are coming of age when interacting with their cousins of the opposite agenda who are also coming of age? That's a very interesting question and we always have the religious factor that comes into it and they are very strict rules about that and when you say coming of age, let's just make it clear it's about children that are like age nine, 10, who are either wearing hijab or about to wear hijab and obviously for boys it's a lot more older but at the same time, they need to be aware of the differences that girls will interact differently with boys and as parents, as grandparents, whoever, relatives in the house, I think a lot of the times we know the rules that they shouldn't really be kept alone and when they play, it should be where it's not so much physical involvement but generally at that age, children are not aware of the things that we are aware of and if we're gonna make it too obvious and if we're also gonna make them too separate, we can actually create something which isn't there and trigger the awareness and I think it's not healthy as well because they are still family and it's innocence that you're taken away from them so be careful how you do things because if you put too much restrictions on them as well, like, oh, they cannot sit together, okay, no one's gonna sit that close but there's nothing wrong in sitting together and we're sitting as a family. Next to the car or on the sofa watching something. Exactly, there's nothing absolutely wrong and you're sitting in as a family, you're together having dinner or you're watching television or you're looking at a game or whatever that may be, there's absolutely no harm but when you put that restriction and when you go out into the real world, we're living in the Western world and that happens, then they're gonna think they're doing something wrong and they're not. And also it's a bit of a confusion when it comes to coming of age because the girls are nine years old whereas the boys are around 15 or something like that. So when the girl is nine, the girl cousin who's nine and the boy cousin who's also nine, it can get a bit confusing because the boy still has no idea. They have no idea and they need to be children, they need to play, there's nothing wrong in the times of our moms, in the times in the Hanoi Bates, they didn't put and make children to feel uncomfortable. They didn't make them feel that they were doing something wrong. And the way you do it and the way you say it is not to make them feel like, oh, there's something there that's, because that's their innocent mind, we have that mind that we... And then if you do it from a young age and they feel like they're doing something wrong when they go and sit in the train or the tube station or in school with their classmates, that they're gonna feel like a little bit odd and then they'll do something which they think, maybe at the age of 40, that is not appropriate because they've been so restricted from such a young age. So you need to be careful. And you can also be confused if you can't sit for children because especially with cousins, because one minute they're allowed to play together and then the next minute is like, no, you can't play with her anymore, you can't sit too close to her anymore. I think it's confusing. So the rules are there. Yes, I understand that there shouldn't be any physical contact and they shouldn't be left alone, but it's the way in which you say it. You say it as if you're protecting them. This is your oldest sister now. She needs protecting. And we all as humans need our private space. And I teach that not just to like, you can't just teach that to females, you've got to do that for boys as well. It doesn't matter. We all have our private space. They don't get second to school cow anyway. So there is this personal space that needs to be respected no matter what. And maybe that's the age that you can introduce that to and say it in those terms that this is my personal space and this is what needs to be left in that space. And even in play and even in any interaction and if it, you know, there needs to be that distance. So you don't have to say in a way that, oh, they're doing something wrong and I'll pull them aside and, you know, oh, you can't sit together or you can't play together. And, you know, and sit in between them and things like that, you know, it's... Explain to them to their young minds. Exactly, it's the young mind. You need to understand that's why it comes about. Empathy is not about, you know, showing sympathy. Sympathy is different. Empathy is about putting yourself in their shoes, understanding what they're going through. And there are stages to do it and there are ways to do it. And you can actually make them wrong by even saying it in a bad way. You can bring out something that they never thought of before. Yeah, I mean, if he suddenly starts, oh, boy, it's hard to sit next to your cousin because now she's wearing hijab or now she's lying. He's just gonna completely not understand what's going on. He might even cry. Yeah, yeah. You know, only if they're in school, how are they gonna understand that? And yeah, he'll go and play. It's about showing, you know, respect. It's not just about parents and children. It's about other children with other children. Teach them respect between each other. Maybe that's a better way of showing it. You know, there's personal space, giving people, you know, that sort of sense that they can play, but from a distance, which is actually better for them. So it's the way in which you explain it. So the Islamic factor does come in. There is definitely restrictions. There is definitely a difference when you reach that age. The way in which you do it is so important. And don't forget, you have an adult mind. So, you know, don't put that adult mind of your thoughts into that child too soon. Yeah. Because it can have an adverse effect. Of course. Okay, Fahima, thank you very much for being here today. We've learned a lot and insha'Allah, you'll be back with us soon. And thank you to our viewers. Mayasalama. If you've been affected by the following topics raised in this episode, please contact your local GP or Fahima Muhammad on coachfm1athotmail.com.