 Lieber Brothers Company, makers of swan, the soap with the exclusive super-creamed blend presents Our friend, swan, with my friend, Irma starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lois as Jane Friendship, friendship, just a perfect blend, ship When other friendships have been forgot, there's will still be hot The wonderful spring day, Irma and I are at the window looking down below On the sidewalk is an organ grinder with a monkey on a leash Every time the monkey gets a penny, the organ grinder pulls on the leash and takes the penny from the monkey Every time the monkey gets a banana, the organ grinder peels it for him Irma is fascinated by this Jane Yeah, sweetie Isn't it wonderful how the monkey has that organ grinder trained to do everything? I can answer Irma, but after living with her for over a year, the cost of aspirin is keeping me broke Telegram for Miss Stacy Oh, I'll take it Here you are, boy Thanks, Miss Oh, Jane, don't open it Why not? It's addressed to me Oh, but telegrams get me so nervous they always bring bad news Honey, that's preposterous Oh, it's not The last one I got told me my uncle Henry had just gotten married What's bad about that? It was from his wife, he was already married Now, Irma, that's just an isolated example Believe me, anyone who is afraid of opening a telegram is a superstitious mid-Victorian nincompoop living in the middle ages Irma, please open the telegram for me Oh, all right, Jane Oh, Jane, I told you it's bad news Someone in your family has executed Executed? Executed Let me see that Arrived today by train, excited to see you Irma, that's excited Honey, it's from my Aunt Harriet She's coming to New York for a visit Oh, isn't that nice? Yeah Dear old Aunt Harriet Gosh, you know it's been so long she raised me, Irma, when I was a little girl She was so strict I remember when she took me to the movies, if there was any kissing on the screen Aunt Harriet would cover my eyes with her hand Last picture we saw was with Clara Bow Clara Bow? Wasn't she the girl who was supposed to have it? She may have had it, but I never got to see it Jane, is your Aunt Harriet married? No, no, she's a widow Uncle Elvin left her a fortune She's quite lonely, though She's getting on in years, I'm her only living relative Gosh, Jane, you may inherit her money Oh, please, Irma, don't even say that Well, it never even occurred to me Well, I'd like Aunt Harriet to live to be... Oh my goodness, she's already passed that Jane, is your Aunt going to stay with us? Oh, I don't think so, honey I know she'd be happier in some hotel Jane, the reason you want to send her to a hotel isn't because you're ashamed of me, is it? Irma, of course not And what about Al? Go on and say it, you must be ashamed of him But I'm not You must be, everyone else is I'm not ashamed of Al, sweetie It's just that Aunt Harriet happens to be a very straight-laced person Well, she's a shrewd businesswoman I don't think she'd be interested in Al's deals Oh, he wouldn't do anything No, I can just picture the meeting Aunt Harriet would come in And before I could say, this is Al He'd be saying to Aunt Harriet, because I like Jane Going to let you in on a good thing And before I can separate the two of them Al would have sold her a piece of property That could only be seen at low tide when the water is clear It's only me, Professor Kropotkin Girls, I hope I'm not intruding But would you happen to have a spare doorknob? I'm terribly sorry, Professor We just happened to be out of extra doorknobs Why do you want one? Well, I would like to hang it outside of my room So when our landlady Mrs. O'Reilly walks by Maybe she'll see it and get me a door Oh, Professor I was only trying to cheer you up I thought maybe that telegram in your hand is bad news Oh, this? No, no, it's from Aunt Harriet She's coming in for a visit on the 215 train from Chicago Well, entertaining relatives is no good But I know how you can get out of it, Jane You've got to give her the shock treatment Shock treatment? Uh-huh, you take her up to my room and turn on the lights Oh, Professor, Jane's aunt is very rich Oh, a rich aunt? Then Jane, please meet her in my room Maybe when she sees how I live, she'll adopt me No, Professor, Aunt Harriet isn't going to stay here I think she'd be much more comfortable in a hotel I'll get it Hey, look who's here. Hello, Richard Hello, Emma, Jane, Professor Oh, Richard, you're just the man I want to see Where would you take an elderly woman? How old? About 60 Oh, I wouldn't take her any place I don't go out with women over 40 Please, Richard, my Aunt Harriet's coming to visit me And I want to find a nice, quiet hotel for her Do you know of any? What about the plaza? Yeah, the plaza does it Come on, Richard, take my arm We're going to Grand Central Station to meet Aunt Harriet And tell her someday she may be in your family Come on Now, take it easy, Jane, don't break my arm I may be in your family, too Well, in that case, I'll take good care of your arm Someday I may want you to put that last remark in writing See you later, folks See, don't they make a lovely couple? Yes, Emma And the way that Richard chases Jane I have a feeling she's going to get away You know, I can't understand why Jane's aunt shouldn't stay here You need a connive It just doesn't seem right that one of Jane's relatives should stay at a hotel I have a feeling that she's ashamed of me Emma, darling, never think of that I admit there are moments when Jane is annoyed by your little mistakes Like the time you set fire to the bottom of a dress Because she said she wanted a skirt with a flare But I'm sure she loves you Oh, I don't know It's me, chicken Oh, come on in, Al, honey Hi, chicken Hello, professor Hello, Al Well, it's three o'clock feeding time I think I'll go back to my room What do you mean feeding time? Well, Al, a little bird built a nest outside of my window And sometimes he comes back with extra bread Goodbye Gee, chicken, wish Jane was here I got a deal she can't laugh at this time Well, I'll listen to it, Al, what is it? I'm absolutely ingenious I'm going to patent a long shoe with a compartment in the toe filled with samples So when a housewife slams the door on a salesman's foot He can still show her the merchandise What do you think of it, chicken? I like it, Al Well, you don't seem very enthusiastic What's on your mind, chicken? Well, I'm always proud of you and your deals But I don't think Jane is What do you mean, chicken? Well, Jane has a rich aunt visiting her Oh, Al, do that again Do what again? When I said rich, your ear stood up Well, that's just a reflex Like when someone says, here come the cops, my feet start moving You say this aunt of Jane's is rich? Yes, and Jane says she's getting on in years And is very fond of Jane Oh, but, Al, I wouldn't want you to get any dishonest ideas Chicken, that's hidden below the belt You know my scruples I'm only indicating a slight interest Because I feel sorry for these rich dames What do you mean, Al? Well, they all follow a pattern They leave half of their dough to a relative like Jane And the other half is wasted on some foolish thing like A home for one-eyed goats Or wayward pigeons When with a little handling of this situation It could go to you and me and our children Oh, Al, when you say the word children I hear the patter of little feet in my head So, chicken, allow me to present my plan Well, we're not even related to Jane's aunt Oh, chicken, forget that nonsense About blood being thicker than water That's propaganda I guess you're right, Al We can be as thick as anybody Please, chicken My only object is to get in solid with the dear lady Now, where is she stopping? At the plaza Good, now we send her a little gift right off I know, flowers We could send her a brace of petunias A spray of violets on a background of gardenias Or maybe a mess of orchids Can't make up my mind Why not, Al? Got no money Al, I'll be glad to lend you the money Oh, no, chicken, I would never take money from you After we're married and you're still working steady, that's never Then it becomes respectable Oh, Al, I'm so lucky to be going with a man of character like you Well, you either got it or you ate I just happen to be filthy with this stuff Hello, Irma and Al Oh, hello, Mrs. O'Reilly My, you look nice You're wearing your hair differently Oh, thank you, Irma It's the new upsweep Of course the professor don't like it He said before I swept it up, I should have raked it You look younger than ever Something we can do for you, Mrs. O'Reilly Well, if you're busy kind My niece and nephew are taking me to a pig roast Oh, and it's going to be so good to be back among all my friends Now, my niece's little baby's asleep up in my room And little Muriel Martin's going to sit with him Now, when she comes home from school Would you give her this key to my room And these two dollars, I promise to We'll take care of everything, Mrs. O'Reilly Thanks Irma dear, I dressed in a hurry Did I paste my eyelashes on straight? No, one is higher than the other Oh, glory be, Irma's got my heels fixed You also get the baby, goodbye You're putting the two dollars in your pocket Chicken, you are now looking at the latest thing in babysitters Who, Al? You and me What about little Muriel should be here any minute to sit with a baby? Chicken, this is a competitive world First come, first served You and I watch the kid And with the two bucks, we send flowers to Aunt Harriet But, Al, I don't know anything about babies I know they have to be bathed and oiled and powdered But I wouldn't know where to oil him You learn But, Al, do you think it's right for us to be babysitters? Chicken, don't you see what a wonderful opportunity this is? This will be a test case of our marriage Want to see how it'll feel to have a baby Well, this is just like playing house Now, you bring the baby up And I'll get something for him to eat What do you got? Well, let me look in the cupboard Now, let's see, graham crackers, ketchup, strong heart Strong heart? That's dog food Yes, I bought six cans of it But chicken, you don't have a dog I know, but it was such a bargain Skip the food Open a bottle of milk while I go and send some flowers to dear Aunt Harriet And I'll be right back with the baby Oh, and, Al What, chicken? If anyone sees you walking upstairs with a baby, it might be embarrassing So if they ask you if you're the father, just tell them you don't know Say, lady, do this Feel a cake of swan See how swan differs from other soaps It feels smoother As Susie Swan says, it's a smoothie It's a smoothie It's a cake of swan You can feel the super cream blend You can feel the difference in it You can tell it in a minute It's a smoothie That swan Yes, the way swan feels Is a direct result of swan super cream blend So next time when you unwrap a cake of swan Make this little test Run your fingertips over the surface of the cake Feel the smoothness See how swan super cream blend makes swan differ from other soaps Then when you use swan for dishes Feel swan suds They feel richer, creamier And swans look at your hands You'll see they're left with a smooth, soft, young look Swan super cream suds are thick, fast suds too And they rinse away so completely your dishes Don't need wiping It's true Swan soap means faster dishwashing And protection for your hands Thanks to swan's exclusive super cream blend Richard and I are at Grand Central Station Waiting for Anne Harriet We've been watching the poor information girl Answering questions And I just had one of the most terrifying thoughts In the world Imagine Irma Peterson As the information girl in Grand Central Station The Santa Fe would be leaving on Pier 28 for Paris People planning to go to Florida would be in Alaska Just in time for the seal hunting The honeymoon express would be going to Reno You know, just in thinking about it I'm so happy that we're going to whisk Anne Harriet To the Plaza Hotel Before she gets a chance to meet Irma And her intellectual companion Al The unemployed nature bum Chicken, when we're through with Anne Harriet She'll be putty in our hand Oh, look Al The little baby's going to sleep Ah, he's a cute little shaver Bless his little heart Look how he snuggles next to you Al You know, you'd make the greatest father in the world Who else would ever think of giving the baby A kitchen knife to play with? There's nothing chicken Happened to know when a kid cuts his teeth He has to have something to cut with What about you chicken? What a mother you'd make Who would have thought of putting chocolate on his feet? Well Al, that's a woman's instinct At least now when the baby puts his foot in his mouth He'll put on weight Oh, let's face it Al We're just a natural for children Yeah, we're a natural And Sunday chicken Oh Al But chicken, we gotta remember one thing We don't want Jane to find out about where babysitters Or she might learn we use the money to send flowers to her Anne Harriet Alright Al, and while the baby's sleeping I think I'll make his formula Keep everything sterilized Wear rubber gloves Rubber gloves? Al, you're just like every man He's a child, I could wear kid gloves How stupid of me But fortunately you know what you're doing Careful little mother You'll knock that basin over Now you're woken I better pick him up Shh baby Oh Al, it isn't cute It feels so wonderful to hold him in my arms He's so soft and helpless I haven't had a thrill like this Since the New Year's party When I had to carry you out for air Chicken gotta quiet that kitty He's making me nervous Well he wants something to play with I'll give him your watch Oh no chicken, not my watch But he won't hurt it He dropped it I'm sorry Al, is it ruined? Well chicken, it was a Ben rush Right now Ben looks fine But I'm afraid Russ will never walk again Hand me the kid Irma I'll sing him a little lullaby Take him Al Yeah Rock a bye baby On the tree top When you grow up Please don't be a cop How do you like that chicken? He fell asleep Oh that darn phone You get it chicken Alright And if it's Jane No cracks about us minding the kid Well I know Al Central station Oh that's nice Bon voyage Jane Oh yes well Give her my regards What's sound Jane? Like someone was crying Oh that's Al He's crying Yes his feet hurt him This sounded like a child Well Al has small feet Fifth street station If she calls the house You send her to the Plaza Hotel Huh? We'll wait for her Alright Jane goodbye Any news chicken? Oh and Harriet didn't show up yet Well she better Ain't gonna set up all night With this kid Just so he could send her flowers Oh It's only me again Professor Krapat kid I just want it Lullaby It belongs to Mrs. O'Reilly's Knees We're sitting on it We're babysitters Oh it's such a sweet little thing It's a shame Something so wonderful Has to grow up into a person I wish we could keep this person quiet You got to have a feeling for babies Al You know my brother Peter Has got a wonderful system With his little son When the boy starts crying Peter reads to him From a book and child psychology But what if he doesn't stop crying Then Peter hits him with the book This is known as applied psychology It's applied where it'll do the most good But with such a small baby You got to sing to her Oh we already tried that But the baby refuses to go to sleep No I'll handle it Come here little baby Baby face You got to cure this little baby Baby face I hope you'll never live to see my place You'll be a mental case Oh my darling little baby face Oh I scare them I'll tell you what baby You stay here And don't go away And I'll run down to the corner And buy you some candy Jelly beans A bit of honey Maybe even a teething ring Oh they don't work He's been chewing on one for 30 minutes He hasn't got any more teeth You got to have patience You know there's an old saying Rome wasn't built in the day What's that got to do with babies? Nothing this is a saying For veterans housing projects I'll be back This is the hardest two bucks I ever earned Wish that Mrs. O'Reilly would get back Maybe the baby wants to hear a story Great idea chicken But I don't know any of them stories do you? Well I know the one about the three bears But I always get stuck at the part Where the little bear chops down the beanstalk And the Humpty Dumpty falls in the porridge I could have sworn it had a different ending But in a spot like this There's only one man to call Who else? Who else but Hello Joe Al Got a problem Got a baby here What? See if she's got a friend No Joe I said baby not babe Look Joe you're a family man What do you do with your youngster when he cries? But Joe don't you run out of youngsters that way? Got a feeling Joe You're not a man to discuss children with However we'll call you when another problem arises Goodbye noble friend No help Al Maybe the baby wants to play Great idea get the cards Irma Oh no Al Oh look the baby likes you He's going to sleep Oh great couldn't have stood it another minute Oh that phone take the kid arm I'll get it Alright Hello Oh it's you Al Oh yeah Jane where are you? What? What noise? Well I'm sure I heard a baby crying Baby no no no that was Irma What is this a little while ago you were crying and now Irma's crying Well you heard that song I cried for you What about it? We like to cry for each other I don't know what's going on but I'm coming back to the apartment Al you and Irma better not be up to anything Because Aunt Harriet may stop there first And if you embarrass me I'll never forgive you Oh have no fears Jane everything here is normal What you two consider normal terrifies me No goodbye Chicken got no time to lose grab the kid we're taking her back to Mrs O'Reilly's room Why Al? Jane is on her way and besides her Aunt Oh that must be the professor come in Hello does Jane Stacy live here? Yes she does I'm her Aunt Harriet Oh well how do you do I'm Irma Peters and Jane's roommate and this is Al The man whom I finance with It is indeed a rare pleasure to meet one so fair and gracious And shall we say rich as you Aunt Harriet Oh thank you I told Jane to meet me but I changed my plans Oh what an adorable baby Is it yours? Well no that is Well then it must be Why of course I can see the family resemblance Oh it's got the Stacy eyes it's Jane Jane? Oh I'm so happy She wrote me she was going with a fellow and I was hoping she'd settle down and marry Who is the man what's his name? His name is Richard but I Well here I am with the jelly beans for my little baby Oh the father Come here and kiss your Aunt Harriet The father Yes And let me be the first to say he looks just like you And let me be the first to say you're completely out of your mind Wait a minute Aunt Harriet he's not the father you see Hi everybody I'm here we were waiting for you at the station Oh the last minute I took the plane Oh no wonder Well Aunt Harriet I want you to meet Richard Rhinelander Richard this is my Aunt Harriet I'm glad to know you Oh let me look at you my boy So Jane you finally landed him What? How long have you two been married? Married? We're not married Oh please dear I've already seen the child Oh no No Irma's as old as I am Sounds that way I mean this baby here Baby Irma Peterson Al what is this? I want to know what's going on here They say it's not theirs You say it's not yours Don't look at me I just bought jelly beans Oh wait a minute I insist on knowing whose baby this is It's my mother and she says you've got to give me the baby It belongs to me and I'm supposed to take care of it Oh certainly hey I'm Uriel Never wanted to deprive a mother of her child Do you mean to say that? I do believe it or not Aunt Harriet That little girl is just another hillbilly bride Say ladies here's a tip that will save you money Listen Take advantage of that exciting lever by two sale That's right you can save 50% on a beautiful modern aluminum saucepan Just the kind of a two quart saucepan with cover That's so useful in your kitchen It's made of fine 18 gauge aluminum And what's more it has a no twist handle And both the handle and the cover knob Are made of no burned bakelite And here's more good news This gleaming saucepan of regal aluminum wear Is worth $2 But you can get it for only $1 If you take advantage of the lever by two sale Here's all you do to get it Send in the wrappers from two cakes of swan soap That's right Two swan wrappers is all it takes You can get handy order blanks at your store Orders will be sent post-paid within three weeks The offer expires August 1st, 1948 It's subject to state and local regulations Send your money and wrappers from two cakes of swan And your name and address To Lever Homemakers Club Box One, New York City I finally got the truth out of Irma and Al And we all had a good laugh even at Harriet But Irma having held a baby in her arms Cannot wait until she has some of her own In fact she's just finished Knitting five little booties for the baby's feet Why anyone would knit five and stop I do not know So I said Irma why did you knit just five And Irma said Well maybe I'll have twins But honey that would just be four feet Why knit five booties Well one of the twins might be a triplet You know if you can figure that one out I wish you'd come and live with my friend Irma My friend Irma presented by swan Another fine product of Lever Brothers Company Was produced and directed by Sy Howard Tonight's script was written by Sy Howard and Park Levy Folks, next Monday evening listen again to Our friend swan With my friend Irma Starring Marie Wilson is Irma and Kathy Lewis is Jane The part of Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Conreed Folks, on poppy day there's only one way to be well dressed Wear a red poppy made by a disabled war veteran Yes wear a poppy Remember you'll be helping a disabled veteran and his family when you buy one So be well dressed Wear a poppy Frank Bingman speaking Sprite Cakes are light and high Sprite There's a reason why Sprite Cakes improve with Sprite Rely on Sprite Yes there's a reason why Sprite makes grand cakes Sprite has an amazing cake improver secret Try the Sprite one bowl away and be sure of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time No other type of shortening as Sprite's cake improver For new cake making success try Sprite The pure all vegetable shortening Rely on Sprite S-B-R-Y Rely on Sprite S-B-R-Y Tune in next week one hour earlier and listen to the Lux Radio Theatre immediately followed by my friend Irma This is CBS where 99 million people gather every week The Columbia Broadcasting System