 I was trying to film it as a video and I just couldn't so here we are live a new few videos that you guys welcome up my channel. My brain can't comprehend stupidity as a running one. Um, right. Scratch on my face. I think it's a gorilla. Hello, what's up? How are you doing? Um, ignore this. There's nothing I can do to hide that. Um, I can put my hair there. Because there's a lot of them, doesn't it? God, I don't want to offend people. So, just to clear up a few things, people seem to have their own stories and weird things about this. Um, last week when I was in hospital, I took down all the videos but I posted while I was in hospital. There was literally one reason behind that. The hospital basically made me take them down. That was it. Nothing else. Nothing serious. Um, there was one account of like she, she was talking about self harm so she had to take them down. No, well, when was the last time I made a video dedicated to about self harm? Can someone please, can you remind me of that please? Um, yeah, I have scars on my face. I have a lot of. No, I'm not gonna just not show them. Yeah. Hey, Buds. Hello. I just took my Twitter account private because this trolling bullshit has just gone like the next level. These people have started screenshotting my personal Facebook and posting pictures of my sisters over Twitter. My sisters are under the age of 6. So please don't do that. It's kind of creepy and definitely legal. Um, I don't know if I've got a video explaining what happened to my face, uh, in short, I've got a tattoo at an hospital, my location, um, there's a story of this, hey Lydia, are you going to be accepting anyone's Twitter or not, yeah, of course I am, but I am going to be looking, like, I'm just being careful of who's on that, you know, like, I, I have a lot of people blocked, right, I'm not afraid to say that, I'm not afraid to be up front about anything about that, like, yeah, I have a lot of people blocked on Twitter, why? I don't deal with dickheads, it gets to be all true, and like, oh my god, she's so bitch, she said that, if you don't like me, fuck her, I, I can't be more blunt than that camera really, like, if you don't like me, why are you still here, you know, no one's like making it, like, nothing wrong with blocking it, exactly, like, I, I'm not afraid to use that blog button, and people are like, oh, she just blocks everyone, no, I just don't deal with it yet, I'm not bothered, like, I've got some, I've got better things to do than deal with some people on Twitter who literally have more time to talk about my life than I do, like, that's the point with that, I was supposed to phone the home treatment team for that, shit, I've got to do that, oops, I've been having issues when I'm sleeping, I'm not sleeping, David doesn't want to do work anymore, that's fun, oh my god, no, I'm promoting the use of medication, shit, oh no, I think everyone will tell that, I'm just at a point where I just don't care anymore, like, what are you gonna say, like, oh no, she tells people that she's pro medication, sorry, like, I'm not gonna apologize for that, I'm not gonna apologize for anything, no, I've literally done nothing wrong in all this on social media, all I've done is share my life, very publicly, and yeah, I made the mistakes, but tell me one human being who hasn't, well, he is, like, I'd like to meet him, um, honestly, that was okay for a bit, but I'm lazy, and I'm tired, and I can't be bothered to sit up, and he's tired in my room, but, you know, you just can't be bothered to do anything, um, that's why I'm not running, oh, so, Kingston home treatment team, I haven't actually looked in their book yet, I'll show you together, guys, so they have phone numbers, which are my one number, um, that's fun, um, my medication's back to normal as well, I'm not quite here a lot, and when I was in hospital the consults were almost, oh my, I knew it was just, like, sad about it, I think I was in a video where I had to take it down, she got offended by it, she was very anti-benzene as a human, and anyone who knows me knows that I take two of them, this consultant in hospital was salivating something, she pulled me onto a beta blocker, and anyone who's followed me to any length that I want now, I react very badly to beta blockers, I don't know what it is about, my body just can't do on, and this consultant put me on one, and then I got discharged, I wrote my gps, like, I don't know what much hope she was smoking, but you know, like, I'm back on my, back on my, back on my lousy, back on my lousy, um, believe it or not, my anxiety's manageable, she put me onto this, so, this, this ocular, didn't last long, I'm really awful, um, I need to, I think I need to change sleep and double it now, I think my body's actually finally caught up with itself, and it's like, oh, she's been on the plane to take the public for a few years, maybe, maybe it's going to work, I got a letter as well, um, shout out to Kingston here, um, I live in Student Hall, right, and I'm just told I'm student, and we do that, I got a letter with council taxa, so, uh, it's all cleared up now, it's all sorted, but it was like, you have to pay us, I think, what was it, oh, it was something ridiculous, oh yeah, council tax demand notice, property beam, I wish, I live in Student Halls, Lydia, it's Jeremy, hello, little I, what's happening on Twitter, um, my Twitter's gone private, not what's happening, uh, yeah, it was like a chart period, band-aiding, private business November 2019 until the 31st of March 2020, £823 and two pence, um, I'm not sure my mind is £2,000 and quite covered up, but, uh, well, I've been still out today, I got all cleared up, um, anything is about, it's holstered up almost to my tour, I have the screenshots, because I've lost everyone, I don't actually love a checking, I just get sent a fucking screenshot and I push in, so I have 11,100 followers on Twitter, I can't moderate absolutely everything that's going on there, like everything I post, I stand by, it's like, I'm literally posted, I was like, oh no, the deal at the count just went private, how can we see what you post now, then I was like, I've got work to do, I'm just like, you know, I hate that on my face now, but it, no, that, that, I, I started to get my hair done, um, yeah, but it's just covered up with my hair, it's like, I'm a Canadian man, I'm like, I can't think anything serious, like, like, I just can't, like, these people are like, full, I'm like, oh my god, she's, what have I done, I posted vlogs from when I was in hospital and took them down because the hospital told me to, it's like, oh, she's promoting self-harm, like, I've never prayed self-harm, I've told people self-harm is a good thing, I'm very open about that, but I do self-harm when I get stressed out, I'm not gonna sit here and be like, no, no, never done that, because I'm fucking real and I'm honest, like, I can't, I can't hide everything on the right, I'm not gonna lie, I'm just because some people don't like it, I'm very upfront, my channel is literally all about mental health, but that's what this channel is, like, nothing more, nothing less, so yes, I talk about mental health and subjects like such, these are all these little fight arms, it's so pathetic, it is, and people are like, oh my god, she just called me full pathetic, and it is, if people are like, gonna be commenting on every little thing I say and do, that's fucking pathetic, go get a job, you know, if you've got that much pain on your hands and you care that much about what I say, get a job, and you feel like, oh my god, they can't work, I'm sorry, but if someone is sitting on Twitter all day and is capable of putting someone else down all the time just because they've got nothing better to do, they should do their fucking job, it's when these people are the same people who are like, oh my god, it's okay not to work, it's okay, it's okay, blah blah blah, that's people's preference story, we all know I'm very public about stuff, if I am, I'm not, like, I'm not gonna be hiding anything, I'm like, you can literally see how I got caught in a hospital last week, I'm in a hospital, I keep myself to myself, and I don't bother with, like, you know, I don't bother, I like, I keep myself to myself in a hospital, I'm not talking around, leave me, I don't do that, and self myself, you know, I don't do anything religiously, she's like, oh no, she's like narcissistic, and I'm just like, really fucking not, anyone who knows me, I don't know, I just don't give a fuck about myself, I really don't, um, that was too sad, I'm true, my god, my life is a mess, make sure to hit like, button everyone, literally, um, no, apparently I'm narcissistic, and it's funny, so I get called every name under the sun, like, I get called every name under the sun, blah, no, I'm the one who is malicious and horrible, I'm a professor, because they sit on my Twitter or they comment on what I tweet, and that is pretty, pretty pathetic, I'm not saying that, but really it's sad and believe me, if you've got more time to talk about my life than I have, just get a job, like, you could earn money and do something with your life, you don't have to follow me, that's the thing, I'm like, I don't, yeah, like, Lydia, do you want to get to the cinema with me on Friday? If I had money, I would, um, yeah, as soon as I am getting my streaming finance this week, finally, my streaming finance is completely, uh, I don't know, I just, I don't know, I just can't take it seriously, it's on me now, I feel wowed out, like, literally I should have said that, but I appreciate the offer, um, no, I feel horrible doing that, it's not me, um, what's this, why do I have so many, I have so many, like, pieces of paper and that, oh, kaplan, shit, I need that, what we can offer when we visit, I'm so nervous, I was being, what was the, what was the story I am, actually, I can't be on the internet, fucking hell, last week, I haven't helped at all, this consultant was laying down to me, right, because I called her out on a bullshit, I was like, you're just pushing your personal review on to me and I disagree with you, okay, I disagree with her, and she's like, no, no, not my personal review, I'm just, I don't have to describe it, that's different, that's different, yeah, no, my GP varies with me, um, the consultant didn't, on the Lord, but she was biased and against, and said I had to pee, and I was just leaving it around, like, honestly, secretly, any progress with the police looking at the controls, yep, I can't talk much about it, yep, I'm panting, I got my phone taken off me while I was in hospital, some story, she wanted to know how to annoy me, trying to take my phone out of my hands, they took my phone off me, and oh, I just, one of the staff members, after taking them over to YouTube, they didn't, like, the consultant didn't like what I said about her, because I said she was biased, which she is, and was, but moving on from that, this nurse came up to me and snapped from my phone out of my hand, so I kicked the table over, I was sat there, and I was, I was sat there with my feet against the table, I just kicked it, and it just flipped over, and you kind of go, you know, I'm not that strong, really, like, you know, I'm like five foot two, I'm not that big, I think this table's stormed off, and I think my phone back and forth is discharged, but they're even on, so we're still at the consultant, so she was being biased against me, she was like, oh, no, can't describe it, she could, but she just didn't want to, but hey, not my place to say anything, I think, even at my car, but anyway, she came into me, she started laying into me, and my friend Rena was here at the time, and she kept going on, I walked over to a box game, so I picked up three books, and I just threw them across the room, I don't see any harm you have in your vote, but the way, like, the consultant got offended by what I said about her, that's literally the story, I don't, I don't really care though, like, I kept stable, I threw books at a fucking consultant, he just thought, oh my god, the consultant was like, so long trying to trigger me, with this wall fan are you with it, and I just picked up the books, I just threw them across the room, I just didn't care, and like, but like, yeah, apparently I'm unstable, here are the guests, everyone, everyone would have guessed that, because I am, I'm sorry that I'm not being serious at all, I'm just in a weird mood, I was supposed to see what I'm doing about that, I'm trying to like, click something, and I can't. I was close enough, they can't remove stuff unless it's somewhere in the middle of the hour, I just, I just wasn't in the mood for it, and it was triggering me, and like, I don't mean that, I'm like a joke, he's like, I mean, and she was bringing up a leak, she was trying to, she was trying to unpack my news, I threw books at her, I threw books at the consultant, I got discharged about, I was discharged from section two, I threw books at the consultant, best advice I've ever given, isn't it that, but, hey-ho, it's funny because like, oh I've got a comment, health review, like, all my comments on YouTube are like, health review, just because I'm just, I don't want hate from Twitter to come to you, I still can't believe I threw books at this consultant, like, I didn't care, I get angry, I walk over to a bookcase, knowing what I'm gonna do, pushing for the book, and then throwing them, like, I'm not that kind of person, I don't want to show, but, anyway, talk about this, let's talk about my face, if I can't, now I'm being narcissistic, yeah, my face, um, so over, like I said in the hospital, I keep myself to myself, I was going to get my nightmares, and this patient comes up to me, grabs me by the hair, swings me on the floor, knees me in the back, scratches my face, I got like bruises everywhere, from all over, you know, just, ah, not being serious at all, um, so, yeah, I've been off for like two weeks, I didn't feel like that at all, because I haven't been on the ward for six days, like, to be around, and like, I was thinking afterwards, I was in A&E, I've been A&E for three days, just imagine me trying to be patient in A&E, and once or one, and they, they, before they overdosed, I wasn't allowed to take some of my meds, but I was allowed some of them, some being the bands that I had to be, I thought they keep me chill, if you were to guess, the nurse said no, the doctor said yes, the nurses kept refusing, and I'm not going to explain how I did this, because I don't want you to do the same thing, and I swung a fucking blade out, because I wasn't in the right for the mind, and I wasn't very happy, and I needed my meds, and you know what, I'm not gonna, like, what I did was so unbelievably stupid, and that was because the night before I was given a blood dinner, I was given a blood dinner, and then obviously, you know, a swinging blade out, I don't think it's going to detail, but you can imagine, and because I was angry when I did it, it was worse than what I normally do, and yeah, I didn't respond in the best way, but what you know what I'm doing? I'm a real human being, so I was real life experiences, I was in a film or video talking about all of those, I think, but um, too hyperactive, yeah, actually I always used to like, I used to get viewed, if you get for a walk to a shop, I can take my phone with me, that's put money in my bag, how do I do that? I've only got a literally only got chocolate, I've only got a few words, that paper was only a six digit coat, oh god, like the whole alien thing that was, so, are you kidding me? I hate paper, oh, I actually hate paper, I don't, but I like that, so you pulled a blade, no, I pulled a blade on myself, it's not the best thing I've ever done in my life, but it's what it is, that's literally the only reason I'm wearing long sleeves over them, but I'm just trying to get onto paper, I'm unable to complete your crap, okay, yeah, I'm just trying to hurt all these people, I'm just like, I literally don't hurt anyone, like, I still, I still feel bad about the fact that I threw books with a fucking consultant that was being a bitch on her, and I've never, like, I've never hurt my shadow people, like, even if I get in there, I'm more likely to punch a fucking wall than I am someone else, and even if it's only fucking them, did that to me, I didn't do anything about it, I didn't just let it, I had to quickly go onto it at once, you can't, yay, no, it's not your question, my room's a tip, so who's still here, who's still here, I don't know who I am, I don't, I don't like going home here, so, we're live streaming, because that's not what I was looking for, it's not what I was looking for, and what's going on in the chat, because you're back, I am, I literally just wanted to get money out of that account, because I'm back home, oh my god, and here goes the only shoes that I've got shoe laces in at the moment, that's what fucking, that's what's irritating about mental health units, but take all your fucking shoe laces out and don't put them back in, it's no one complain, because I never get around to doing it, I've got to actually wear it to live as well, if that time is, I could literally go into central London and drop the video, I just can't go off it, and I'm wondering what I'm doing, I literally just want to put my shoe laces on, I mean putting the headphones on, you're still lagging a bit, yeah, it will, I'm using my meter, I literally want my bank card, alright mate, let's take the bank, let's go to the shop, we'll sit and just talk about my life on Twitter, I'm really not that interesting, there's no need to do it, they took everything off me, I didn't see it, I did manage to, yeah, like my huge fucking ventriloquism, I managed to get it off, I, should I go into central London or just go to a shop, but I do, I'll do, like you know what, when I was in hospital last week, they took absolutely everything off me, they took everything off me, which I get, you know, I understand it to a point, but then it reaches a point of stupidity, and like they took everything, they took my bank card off me, it's how ridiculous, I don't know how I could use it against myself or anyone else, because it's broken, yeah, I'm in a hospital, I'm just going to be real because it's life, you know, I mean I can just sneak in everything, so I couldn't, like my cards like work flat, and I tried to snap it and I couldn't, like yeah, my life's just not, I'm really not that interesting in person, but it will be like, oh my god, I know what a bank veto it was, she's trying to get my money, that sounds about right, like don't disappoint me, oh, corner shop, corner shop around here, I don't know, I just have my bank card on the fucking internet, wow, I'm smart, corner shop, oh should we do Tesco, should we do Tesco, why not, broken up anyway, though there is a shop across the road, well there's also people across the road, and I'd have to try and cross the road, I'm not going to hit me at anything, how's Lydia, not being hit by a, you know, it's funny because, I'm just going to pass the treatment, the fun story about the trial is it is, I could literally post a LinkedIn, a tweet, right, and someone somehow would twist that into, Lydia is trying to get money out of the door, so I'm just like, I'm really not, have you got coat on, no, pine across the road, go out the side, I'm just going to go with Tesco and then cry about my feet hurting because I'm not wearing the best shoes, I'm wearing flippin' platform heels, because of the only shoes I've got, I've got shoe leases in another moment, his name is literally through the name, well Tesco, it is, it's just expensive, I, I enjoy Tesco, they don't me wrong, but the prices are not very student friendly, scary, weird thing, feel like going outside, and it's cold, I should have put a coat on, I don't own a coat, but I should have put one, but yeah no, I could post like a link to a tree website, and people would be like, oh my gosh, she's trying to scam the money out of us, or I just, it's fine, I live in London, I've already been outside today, I had to go to, I mean London, not so much, literally, I live like very south London, no, I used to live north London, no, I don't, I live south, south west, like, I was born in the best midlands, like, from London, then it's in Lancashire, all the fun of that, God, do you know what, the only reason I had to go to Lancashire was because I didn't want a cheap fucking night out, that's literally because London nightclubs are expensive, and I wouldn't do that because I don't drink any more, I used to, I literally haven't drank, oh wait, no, there's another kind of story I feel like to tell, so I have a bottle of vodka, right, and you know, it's harmless, a bottle of vodka, I'm not gonna kill me, but, and here's the best part of it, basically that's when I was in hospital, as you all know, because that's what I talked about today, I filled up my water bottle with vodka and knocked it, I'm not a good role model, I don't, I'm just not a role model, I don't try to be, I pretend to be, I just, I can't take things seriously at the moment, my hands are so cold, and I haven't held my phone, I'm so lazy, wait, this is an effect, I just found the filters thing on here, oh, how we have bubbles, this is my maturity, this is my maturity, showing itself, what it is, there's loads of filters, what was I saying about clubbing, this channel's a club, I'm ridiculous, let's go back to normal, let's go back to normal, that was fun, you know what this live stream is, I was gonna make a video, but then I couldn't be bothered, and I'm walking to Tesco, because life makes sense, these cars, I put them in a cage, I don't know if you can tell, but I'm really over it, I don't know if that just shows how much I don't go outside, or just the fact that I haven't been to the gym in a minute, I was gonna open a video today, but it's not even, it's not finished, I was gonna try and finish it, but I don't have the patience to walk in heels, basically anything I do just don't do it, I need to get paracetamol, I can't swallow it, but my face hurt, and I've run fully caught in it, so I was at someone on a date, well I haven't been in a relationship since fucking January, it's like oh my god I'm so sad, oh what's going on, I've literally got to walk here tomorrow, serial killer name, asking about the names, I'm just, you know what, if I had Uber installed on my phone, I would have gotten Uber, I should have gone to Aldi, I live next to Aldi, I should have gone to Aldi, people, right, yes, my logic, I wish my city had Uber, I don't use it normally, I'm normally too afraid to get in, did you go to any of the protests against Brexit, no, I actively avoided Central London while all this shit's going on, literally I found a really long way to get to uni that avoided Central London because I hate it, reasons why I don't live in, I mean, with the whole Brexit thing, I don't do politics, right, I voted in the initial vote, and I voted, I haven't voted, so I was like, actually voted in the Brexit thing, thinking about it, yeah, I don't do politics, nor am I like, like, because I move a lot, like, the last place I was registered to vote would have been in Preston, so it's going like, I don't do dates, I don't think the relationship's really, I feel like, I feel like I need to be like, stable for a bit before I jump into any shit, because I'm still best of low with hands, oh my face, wait, I didn't bring any ID out with me, I hope they don't ID me, I have blue hat, there's a form of, I'm over the age of 16, let me buy medication, you know, like, how would you have to be so dreamy, I don't, I looked into anything like that, I just know that like, I voted in 2018, I turned 22 this year, so, you know, I'm getting old, you know, I think of me, I'm getting old, friends with benefits, you know, like I said, I'm here tomorrow, you know, old and, you know, feel it, like, people forget, like, my sisters are like, I said that, so, my younger sister's 7, and other ones 13, 14, you know, she's like, I can't remember my own sister's age today, I'm having a poor test go, so it's fine, I've been distracted, anyway, I should have said them well, I need tablets in the bag, what's going on, I don't know what's going on in like one message, so I can't see like the full chat on here, because I'm on my phone, and anyway, I don't know, my phone is very broken, oh, that's nice, like, one yard free goes now, watch some more of a job, that's why I can't get older too, but what am I missing, what am I missing, let me try and try and chat, here's a, like, a story called on YouTube, and I stopped doing that because would it be overdrawn, can overdrawn by some things, people think I'm stalking you, well unless you're named Stephanie, I'm on a road test, by two cars crossing the road, and my brain's like, feast out, do you know what, I just, I get too distracted and too dissociated to like, try anything, and this is why the whole, Lydia read the full chat, I will when I get in, I can't see all of it on here, that's why I don't, I don't use my phone normally to live stream, I use my laptop, but it's kind of handy having it on my phone, so I can just go out, okay, so I was doing a panel on things, some people are like, I'm going to try to rub panel on them, I'm just like, I am way too slow, and definitely not with enough to even attempt to rub a shock, that, and who robs Poundland, it was that ridiculous that I actually couldn't pat it, that I had office with the support office, listen to her, who costs absolute fucking fortune, but only charges me for lawsuits, the whole Lydia's van from Poundland thing, the van got overturned, and I need to mention this back in fucking September, but people are like, oh god, she tried to come on this thing, no, I didn't, I wish, I wish I could think that quickly, I'm too fucking slow for things, I just, I don't have the energy for it, and I just bought Pringles from Tesco, yeah, you, I've never even heard of it, but it gave me time, I think I saw an ad for that actually, I think you've been tipped up a lot recently, and by using that I mean, I mess around when I'm in Payham, funny cos most shops, like the Asphalt ID when you buy Mad Kitchen, like Parisie and Monoibro, I just bought both, and I saw service machine in Asphalt, and she's my contactless, oh that sounds cool, I'll look into it, oh my back, you know, I lift that self, like, I don't know if you know what I'm doing, but Heathrow, I see often people that don't like you, wait what have I done, I've never walked to a shop, depressing, I've had the fifth inch shot, it's got no closure on the wall, certain person, thank you, hey, well I've driven to apparently, I see why people don't like you, fine, definitely a way to get people to meet up with you, really great going, stick of the internet, it's 36, something like that, one of the accounts, person buying one of the accounts that can't, I am with my same doom, wouldn't surprise me, but hey, why are my mods up, oh I don't know what's going on, but hey, lilies are apparently a bad person, and people hate me for a reason apparently, because anyone shouldn't be like, hate London, hate London, like completely select triggers, that's it, I'm just fine, I don't do relationships, I've been right honest about that since my last relationship, which in January, just, yeah, right okay, I didn't even, I dropped people that, I didn't even say anything, and I see why people don't like you, don't think, yeah, I think I know, I recognize the writing style, so bear with me when I get in, but I think I know who's behind that account, because that account has been following this channel for a while, but, and there, do you guys know what I mean, like when you recognize a certain person's written style, because everyone writes differently, but like, you can tell, and when you like, yeah, I just, all I did in that situation was, I don't want to go to the cinema and use someone else's money, I can't afford to do it myself, so I'm not being used, I'm wanting to do it, I don't know you, and I'm not going to the cinema, and apparently that's why people hate me, okay, back is hurting, okay, I don't understand people's justifications for being a dick on lion, I just, I can't comprehend it, my brain doesn't let me, I always think the cinema is the worst first date, literally, so when I was younger, like 13, 14, I wasn't making sound like a dick actually, that's how bad the story is, but anyway, am I wrong for calling out, no, watch out, literally no, it's like 1340, I went to the cinema, my friend at the time was what he friend, as a day, because in fairness, I thought they'd broken off, but it turns out he's just a cheating piece of shit, and by loss of all the friends with the stuff, okay, there's people looking out over there, it's looking at me and it's, it's like a car, not this live stream is proved, it's live stream machine proves, my point, I can literally say anything and someone somewhere will get offended by it, like, get a life, get a job, get a hobby, god, so you can do anything can people get offended by it, I do this going by Pringles, what Pringles must signal on my phone and drain my data, and apparently people hate me for it, going on in the chat, I didn't need it all, I thought we'd all scroll up there and see it now, you're a monster, cool, I fucking love that, that's brilliant, I'm a monster, I mean I can use the pretty cool special effects I think, it's about it though, I'm not sure he's right, monster for buying Pringles, that's my sweet, my good, a monster for buying Pringles and not going on a date with a 36 year old because I don't want to use them, we'll need to get to the cinema, yep, I'm a monster, no I'm a monster, 300 seconds, 3,000 seconds would be better, oh you call me, you're not a monster, no one's a monster, you've got to match all monsters, you have a fingerprint for a second, tell if you're in the chat, oh my laptop, yes, you can view loads, actually, from, cool, it's just funny because I'm like, if people don't like me, right, unspandable, right, people can do what they want, people all have different likes and dislikes, but if you don't like me, then you're serious, no, unsubscribe, I've got them, is it really worth all the time and the energy of trying to offend me and failing, I'm not bad, let's go back on to my workflow, the fact that I actually have to climb on my bed is ridiculous, hey laptop, laptop, laptop, what's I doing, I've been going to the live chat, I forgot that I called the live stream as if, my god there's been loads, can you take me, it wasn't calling you, you're not a monster, just to answer that, you're not a monster, no, close enough, right, I'm gonna have a little read of the chat because I seem to have missed, what can I say, the full chat, top chat, all chat, I can actually do something now, I can hide, use it on this channel, add, moderate, welcome to the mod, yeah, I just basically, I just bought that person from using that account to chat, that's the fun part about being a creator, you can actually block people from commenting, but you know, just a bit of their watch time, and this is monetized too, yeah, he was like, ah, it's monetized, when something of mine is actually monetized, that's a scary thing, oh I've got notifications on Twitter, Twitter account private, so yeah, right, let me, sorry, my attention span, all his messages are deleted, yep, they're blocked, that person is blocked from the channel, they can join the group of blocked users, which, how many people are blocked, I haven't bought that many people on YouTube, because I just removed comments, I don't know, wow, my channel's all green at the moment, that's weird, I was like, oh my god, it's all monetized, who felt blocked on here, I don't think I've blocked, how many people have I blocked from here, I would say we've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 11, 11 moderators, oh my god, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 28, 28, people blocked from commenting on my channel, blocked words, I can block words, I think I blocked her, oh my god, that person here has changed in their username, quite entertaining actually, they're trying to like comment on the channel, it's quite funny, block links, yeah no one can comment links, that's hold all comments for review, yep, yep, that he doesn't picture, oh no, my ear hurts, please use the YouTube app on your mobile device to manage this stream, doesn't think I have, that was the next person ever then, pretty much, yeah, I think it's right, his thing, right, on the whole I don't like meeting people if I don't know them, like on Wednesday I'm meeting up with Becca, which looking forward to it, love Becca, I literally don't know why we're doing it out there, like she helped me so much when I was in hospital, like I literally don't know why I do it out there, but I don't, I'm very cautious about who I meet, especially after everything that's going on on Twitter and everywhere else, I'm really cautious about who I meet up with because I do fully understand the risks of meeting people I don't know, and on that my phone's nearly dead, I said it, I got it, yay, my electric, yeah it's funny, people like, I've got loads of follow requests on Twitter, oh my god, and I'm not approving anyone, but I will tomorrow, it's not going to be today, it's quite funny, anyway, I think I know who that person was, but give me a moment, I'm pretty sure I know who they are, hi, how's it going, I know it's such a weird mood at the moment, yep, I was correct, I know who it is, fuck, wait, it's not, I said it, I thought I recognized the written style, it's fine, I can just link it with all that, I know, I heard it funny how I can literally like, you can match up like written styles with anybody, I'm on the internet a lot, like, look at that, why has that account got follow requests, what, why has that account got follow requests, that's weird, oh I've got a new follow request guys, should I see who it is, look who they are, joined October 2019, yeah, really gonna, really gonna let you onto this, everyone's like, yeah, account made October 2019, yeah, I'm not allowing you onto my profile, anyway, oh yeah, I was making my Facebook private, because that terrified me, so I wonder if you like troll accounts, or anonymous accounts that aren't anonymous, he posted a picture that's on my Facebook of me and my younger sister, which on no level is okay, if I can just say that, but that aside, they then posted it on Twitter, which is looking weird, like, who does that, like, at all, I don't know, I think so, wait, what, uh, why she's now not going on live stream with you, yeah, it's just, it's like, who goes onto a YouTube chat and asks someone, when you just like DM the person instead, just saying, like, if you wanted to go on a date with someone, wouldn't you just DM the person, I don't know, I don't do dating, so, there's no opinion, anyway, can you talk about self sabotage, there's no topic on tonight, honestly, there's no topic on the stream, self sabotage, got a thing, because I don't want to go in like, I can't talk, how long have you been live streaming for now, 76 minutes, that was 77 minutes now, I was just trying to out, out and like, yeah, no, like, I just, my dad is like, what was I doing, what was I doing, I'm up into my brain, it doesn't work very well, the internet is a strange place, is it healthy to miss someone you're not like, I don't know, in honesty, I, I haven't had a relationship since January, relationship advice isn't, not, I don't have the idea, I don't have the idea, I was close, I watched now, so who here, I'm curious, who here watches dissociated, because I'm like, obsessed at the moment, like, I'm watching and I'm like, literally, I'm on like the newest video at the moment, like, I can't even, because I, before Chloe integrated, I actually used to talk to them on Facebook, because we met through Facebook group, like, back when that channel first started, and like, it's insane to see it like, looking at 250,000 subscribers now, it's like, insane idea, I'm not that big, I remember when that channel first started, like, because I'm admin on the group, like, the Facebook group, that like meant to help YouTubers and that I'm admin in that group, and it was like, 90, and wow, that's about a lot, I didn't, actually I'm really, I don't know much about the dissociated disorder, I did a collaboration with Fragmented Psyche, but like, last year, we did like a video, and it was interesting, I've learned, I love learning stuff, and yeah, what was I, I was doing something, and like, my brain was just, it was always funny, like, seeing, like, it's just insane how big some channels get, thought about making my own YouTube channel, but I'm too scared, if you want to do it, like, do it, what I did by is, is going on security settings, like, when you first start out, and just wacking them up max, like, approval only, just because, one, it protects you from it all, until you can moderate, like, what's going on, and like, I do it now, like, all the comments on my channel go through approval, meaning I have to approve them, or my friend does, but yeah, there's a Facebook group that I've said I'm moderating it, but I was doing something, I don't know what it was. Oh, sorry, my fish may, my friend, I had my brain, my head, actually. Livestreams are different, okay, Livestreams work differently to just generalised comments, so Livestream chat is, it's why I have moderators, it's very hard to send out, but like, comments on just normal videos, you can set to approval only, and like, no one's comment goes on without you seeing it. Wow, which for all, actually just follow requested me, but um, Livestream chats are different to just comments, so like, comments on video are very easy to moderate, whereas Livestream chats, it spills. Well, anyone could see, like, this document, I have my laptop, yikes. I've got a document that's got like, all the troll accounts listed, with all the different social media links, just so I can cross-reference, and because they just look like easier, my face is hurting, what was that, Twitter? So I've made my Twitter account private, and a troll just follow requested me, okay, I'm not gonna get through it, but let's try, but I know it'd be nice to report that it was me, not at all. No, not, I don't mean on that account, I have two Twitter accounts, one that's private private, and one that's public but private for now. No, I'm talking about, their account was made this month. I'm in pain, and then I run it. You see, I did, I went to the walking centre today with Becca. Sorry, my face is like, safe place, I mean, my head, could I have migrated wrong or something? Sorry, ignore me, I got, my head is hurting a lot. How do you mentally approach this, I think it's, I can't, I get it now, I haven't been able to fuck with myself yet. You know, I went through a long time without having, like, seriously had a loss, but at the start of this month it really hit me. I don't know why, like, I've actually been doing it ever caring, and it just kind of whacked me out of nowhere. Then again, I've been getting trolled for the fucking five months now. Does anyone else fast forward? I'm like, I don't think you can. Sorry, my head's like, where's my time, like, holding a minute, or anyone, like, you have my phone, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, I need to get out of my handbag, I'll probably see you in all of the minutes. I'm like, jumping around my fucking room, well, what am I in? Issues in my brain, so I go out and I'm like, which is worse than it was before, and painful. Time is it? Oh shit, I've got some medicine. I know we take a medication at like six, and then it's nearly eight. It's like, well, I'm like, I can't use it. I can't use it. Where's my migraine at that time? These don't do anything, but anything, I mean, they don't really help that much, but anything is better than nothing. Anyone else ever taken a thing about, because it makes me so sick, but it helps a bit with the migraine? Oh, I've been streaming for 90 minutes, considering I was only originally going to like, film a video, and when I ended up streaming for like, over an hour. It's a weird stream of my filming, I'll say that. It's really weird. I know my live stream from my laptop, or my iMac, which at the moment, I can't use my computer at the moment, because the mouse battery is route. Can you explain splitting to me? I know I'm splitting, what do you mean by splitting? So, I have BPD, so borderline personality disorder. Basically, it's just black and white thinking. Like, it's full on, like, you know, I like it or I don't. Like, it's basically like Marmite. Weird way of explaining it, but you ever like or you don't, and splitting with BPD is very black and white thinking. Like, even though, like, my current mental health team think at the moment, they're like, well, it's really weird, because I used to have a consultant I paid to say, so I had a private consultant. And the issue is that they was trained in the US, and the US diagnosis guidelines and the UK guidelines are very different. So in the UK, BPD covers the symptoms of complex PTSD, but complex PTSD in the UK isn't a diagnosable thing. It just wasn't a BPD. But the consultant I used to see, because the Americans diagnosed me with complex PTSD, so now when I'm trying to get support for it, it's like, what's going on? Like, because I don't know, it's not explained, but I used to have private everything, because I gave up with the NHS. I thought, like, there's something that you can't get diagnosed in this country. BPD should be renewed. Yeah. It's weird, because, like I said, the guidelines are different, like, between the UK and the US. So the USA obviously goes on the DSM file. The UK has a different diagnosis guideline. And CPTSD does not exist in the UK, apparently, even though I got diagnosed. That's why I find it so hard to get support, because I've had private and NHS treatment, and, like, the lists are different. It's not, it's just, like, the UK system is behind, with the, it's the US, but I don't know. Personally, for me, I think I have more sightings of PTSD than BPD. Mainly because, for me, a lot of things centre around flashbacks. And flashbacks are not part of borderline personality disorder. Some of that work, I know. You know what? For a film student, I don't know way too much about mental health. The issue is, like, some consultants are very open to it, and they're like, oh yeah, okay, you've got, like, those of this, we'll go for this treatment option, but others are like, well, it's not a valid thing in the UK. Like, for me, a lot of, like, when I'm struggling, it's because of flashbacks. That's what pushes me into impatient every, every time. It's what pushes me, like, that extra bit, like, yes, I have depression, and yes, it sucks, but my depression is on the whole, managed on my medication. Yeah, I signed a pro-medication over here. Sorry. Fine medication helped a lot with my mental health. I wish there was medication I could take to stop flashbacks because, believe me, I would take it. But it doesn't interest. The closest I've got to that is the benzodiazepines plus antipsychotics. It works, if. I've got bad days, it doesn't, so it's a complicated thing. It really is, like, I think, like, the world just needs, like, one diagnostic manual. It's just one of our world. One whole thing. And I said this to my friend before, when it comes to my health, yeah, like, in the UK, obviously, they're like, underfunded, but why do they have, like, six, seven different teens per area? Like, why don't they have one teen and have areas in that one teen specialising different things? Like, wouldn't that be a better use of the funding than, you know, different teens? Go there, go there, go there. So, when it comes to eating disorders, I'm under the eating disorder team. Everyone knows this. Right, I'm under them. Then I'm also under home treatment too, yeah. I'm under, I really love your hair colour, I don't, I mean, I've dyed my hair for a long time now. I was trying to get it out the other day. I've had dyed hair since I was 30, yeah? I was like, maybe 10 years ago. So, yeah. Like, when it comes, I just, mental health teams confuse me. I was like, why don't you just have one teen? Wouldn't that be easier than having, like, to go everywhere? Because why do you have to go see the eating disorder team? They're at one direction and I'm under the treatment team in the other direction and I'm just like, how can I be in two places at once, you know? I'm like, why don't you do it another time? I'm, that's for the home treatment team tomorrow. Are you just, there isn't, I've, I've, I've spent a few days here. I've, I've always, I've always had this. We shouldn't treat the symptoms, not the diagnosis. So, with BPD, they're like, oh, no medication, no this, no this, no this, no this, just like, but that doesn't help. You know, we're doing flippin' DBT for the God knows how many times it's not gonna help me when I'm having flashbacks. I'm sorry, it's not. Like, I rely a lot on my medication. I'd be, I'm pretty fucked without it. I, I would. Like, I just, I function very differently. When I've had medication, when I've had my medication, I can function. When I haven't, I'm a fuckin' nightmare. Believe me. I, I, I've been on medication for a while now. Like, I started taking antidepressants when I was 16 in May, 16. Before that, I was taking news stabilizers and all sorts. I hate antidepressants on one note, because I do already. Wow. I just, I don't get why people are like, oh, you can't do this, could you get this diagnosis? Like, why does it matter what the diagnosis is when these are the symptoms? Symptoms over diagnosis. That's why I, when I talk about my mental health, I'm just like, well, this is what's going on. I don't say, oh yeah, I have DCDI because the alcohol, the years, I just say what's going on. And they're like, oh, but you have this diagnosis. What's the idea? It's dissociative identity disorder. And I don't have it, but I, I follow a lot of the people. I, I just, I don't treat that. And another lie, I don't know that much about the idea. I just don't, like, I point blank with news to watch split. I, I won't watch it because I know it's a bad representation of it. That's what a film person perspective, like, people are filmed before it came out. But, like, I, I know very little about it. Like, modern learning. I think that's what's important. I think it's all about learning. Like, you can't know everything, but like, it's like, I love learning about things. Yeah, please don't watch it. I'm no intention on that. Believe me. I don't like the director of it. And I know it's a bad representation. Just because, like, obviously I watched dissociative. And, you know, I'm a film student. Films are one thing I know about. I can't believe it. I've been studying film for seven years now. I used to, college, I did film. And now at uni I do film. It's like, oh, okay. I'm gonna go to them because, why don't I change? Yeah, I, I, I sound bad, but I don't watch that many films. Just because I can't, I can't watch them as a film. I watch them from a film perspective. So it's like, oh, I know how this shot's done. I know how this is done. I know it's all filmed. And it's like, I might just watch them and watch some of them. So you won't like it to find me watching them TV series. Like, last night I couldn't sleep because of the pain I was in. I watched the entire, an entire series and then I couldn't sleep. I fell asleep at six o'clock this morning and I got work off in the day. I'm amazed that I'm still like, going because there's nothing that's wrong. I found that, like, most of my day, like, in bed because I don't have the energy to do everything because my brain's like, gone insomnia. Yeah, I don't think I do, yeah. See, my medication's like, when you look at a list of it, you'd be like, oh my gosh, you should be asleep all the time. It just doesn't sound like sleep. Like, I take, I take them as a spoon or as a spoon, as a ZOCKY CLOA and quick type and you'd invent them effectively and you think that combination would just knock me out. Like, it just doesn't look. I think the ZOCKY CLOA and my body has finally, I've had it for two years, gotten used to. Um, quick typing and I can't increase any more because I will actually hit the floor because it lowers your blood pressure and it's like my medication like theoretically like when you look at it it should fucking look me out I should be like on the floor like I used to be for the time but instead I'm like uh can't sleep and like I know it confuses my GP like my GP is always like how how because they're all every medication I'm on is today thing so I feel like I've got my tangent there I don't know I almost have my car seat and I was having my pain meds okay meds but I'm just my body is like I'm giving the homies today please tell me about the capsules and not the tablets I can't take paracetamol I cannot take the tablets I have to have the capsules on and bought the fucking pills for paracetamol I just oh no my my brain's what's the longest you slept trying to purr the longest I've slept I went off for like four days like like wow I was like yeah three four days I wish I could sleep like that now I'm supposed to like be like knockout man but like I take the riser pan right I've got this is the first one I saw I take it four times a day right it should send me to sleep it should calm me down to chill me out and it does to a point but it wears off very quickly now is what I've learned so that one then there's the cleaners of harm which I take at night maybe I would hurt it I just just don't know how my body manages to keep going like all my meds are like uh sleepy time well my body is just like nope when I was in hospital they found this as well it's like how how they still like functioning at that level and at least I got the right ibuprofen tablets yeah to not throw up on camera while having paracetamol but yeah um I don't know you I don't know it's like my medication should send me to sleep like especially the puttayatean but like when I first started that you still like knock me out but now it's like I take it I'm like my brain's just like trolls be like oh my god she's taking drugs yeah I'm on the same plan as a pando yeah um I'm a trickly and I'm allergic to you see I'm not mm-hmm but I guess I'm doesn't predict me very well like when I first start taking it like first few days it was okay I just didn't give anything no matter how high the dope got it just didn't work so I got switched on to lorazepan which but I wished like I don't know I've been debating whether or not to go back on to a lansapian as well because I used to work hello there hello all right I used to take a lansapian as well as everything else and I used to make me hungry but they used to sleep and now I have sleeping tablets like and they don't send me to sleep so how I how my brain stays awake I don't know I didn't really tell I'm getting quite tired now like my brain's like I'm always like this I come out possible and then I'm just like what was it you did nothing all the time but then you come out and you just like oh my god I can do absolutely everything you should sleep I wonder if I could believe me I need to tell them that natural ads not just like paint colors oh I'm gonna talk to the home treatment team tomorrow about my sleeping tablet because the zopi climate was working and now it's not so I think it is time that I switch that one which is not ideal because it's up to me to work for like a so long time and it was working and when I was in the hospital it just kind of stopped I don't even know how to explain it it's so weird because it's worked for so long that when it just did it I was like why am I awake because you send me to sleep and now it doesn't and so I'm just like the last few days I've been like what do I do like because I have a penicillin penicillin penicillin something can mess with like my medication box that's funny because I'm using it as just like an example and it's like it's a full bomb I would even open the app because I still got the one sauce that will make me give them like I don't know why you're doing so mean that you don't go like this like I remember the first time I had a lot of that and I was mango I tried to walk around and function on it and oh let's start taking that oh I don't know these but no I don't need sort of hate things confusing do you have brains I think a bit yeah yeah I like yeah yeah I did say I need to go get my medication can I how do you keep up with sending medications and these are like I've been on them for a while and I keep them on my bed like it sounds weird but I keep my box on the bed because I keep them in the box um on my bed and it's got all the instructions on there so like Zopiqlo and take one at night like it's got everything put on like and because I've been on them for so long I'm just used to it how I can't take so I take them in the backseat and I take 150 in the morning and 75 at night I'm used to take tablets because I struggle to swallow like full on capsules but for some reason my last one to the bomb so they gave me the capsules and I was like of can't take them thanks to me I've got like a stockpile at the factory and I don't even know by how I've got that much but I do also I I'd like like to get an medication tomorrow take it Zopiqlo I've nothing else to hang on I've only got a full tablet left of it I do hate fucking white boxes like why can't they just give me an incredible I why can't they just give me another one I have 0.5 tablets but I can take it up to four times four times a day one to two tablets I tend to take one because it's the one medication I never get to remain off of but I don't know why like too much flippin lies apart like I've got a full 28 boxes just give me them in the proper boxes like I hate the white boxes I love to actually read the that's when you read the box and they're like oh okay I'll take I'll take the Zopiqlo I still find it funny when I tweeted I know the deer's account just one private how do we switch your posts now three night I hate scratching my face you think I could cover up with makeup but I can't because I have to keep putting this because I'm really weird this is what the walking centers are doing I have to keep putting Vaseline on it and like I can't fucking cover it up so I'm walking down with that on my face and I'm just like I don't like it when I know attention is getting drawn to like me like I have blue hair and usually that like distracts people from me but when I know people are looking at like my face I'm just put my own hand going down on that I've tried I actually cut out the rifle part earlier this year um I was in August I completely cut down on it and I wasn't with rural but my anxiety just went it got so bad that I literally I just couldn't do anything I couldn't even post a fucking tweet and as much as I hate taking medication like believe me if I could just like have an injection once a month with it all then I would because I hate tablets I hate taking tablets but I kind of just have to like it like I might be pro-med but when you have a date like a stupid amount of tablets in one guy well it's not easy um you know I get I'm not over in council tax now I keep seeing this I got it sorted right I got my account this student I didn't pay council tax because of where I live it comes under ban to be um like ban to be I'm actually just reading this and I'm just like like I'm not liable to pay council tax because student I live in student law they sent the fucking notice to student residents so like ban be pay us to pay 820 I wish I was fucking hidden please you don't want it off no it's the scratch still fresh yeah I keep knocking it right yeah if I could I would cover it up but yeah hello well yeah council tax demand got resolved but it's like bandy pay us 823 pounds I'm just like let it heal first yeah like it shouldn't scar it's not deep so it shouldn't scar but you know my look mean my look I'm not I'm not putting any bets down on it right I saw the medication and actually I put it on my laptop and I thought I've been streaming for me for over two hours now I've rendered somebody one eventful stream her irritate me why not I have a lot of emotions when I have a long much than it must be in the car I usually have like a flu that's going to be like I don't usually have scratches on my face like fully comprehend what happened because the way it went is actually grabbed like this woman with the back of my head and swung me around I said I'm not very big so it's quite easy to do don't apologize to the foundation of it then that's creepy and treat less triggering like and then I don't know about it I would I have that's why he's doing I was going to read the chat so I was doing my face with you and you start here and again it's fun med you know what is a fun fact I might be pro medication but I hate taking tablets I can't see his comments anymore maybe you can't I can't put on the one he blocked them I can see absolutely every every meds taste oh I think the worst one has to be zuffy flowing it's I the mess the metal he says I just can't like I can't be client case with lucky glow why take that to color I can't taste that I mean it's better than what I used to be I used to take my meds with fucking vodka but hey what changes honestly never did I never take meds with vodka and real life advice can't take my door I I don't drink water I'm really bad I should drink water more but I don't like the taste of is that weird I don't like to taste the water and I'm a strange little thing although this angle is so attractive this oh that's why it's in here I should get more I should I just I don't want to taste the water I don't want to get him less from the council the Managing Council that's either right see I don't want to have this right I don't like water but I like ice like I have it over here I don't eat ice I don't know why I do it I just do and like I don't know maybe it's because I'm always in pain not a lot of what I was doing the hospital told me up to my face but I'm cold I feel like I just like completely like sidetracked in my brain everything I don't even remember what I've been doing before I think yeah I don't get rid of the hair at all because like having my hair up I just put it up sometimes because I don't lemon water lemon and lime flavored water yes please like probably for the guitar I can't play it but I love lemon water it's the one thing I drink I um yes I should not be allowed to have no mail just ban myself having on nails how many nails is this oh wait I've got a T-shirt that's out of there I'm gonna get to it don't think I can play anything that would you I'm missing a stringed string here guitar strings how how do you I'm saying guitar string I can't play I can't play don't know I've literally lost make-up my life I've literally lost a guitar string it's not normal she hasn't been anywhere but on my bed how have I lost a fucking I must make up my life I'm weird lost a guitar string not click that probably I lost a guitar string my life is a literal like it's just a series of events I mean that's everyone's that's deep okay visit the Netherlands hell to the ever could I I quit I quit the day I quit the day people are thinking about no searching for it because no my look I'll fucking lost the fun cover or something that's what we're from I don't know I think I've been to France so yeah I went to France on a school trip once a little long time ago wait that was literally like let's go London one day you don't want to go on a political day believe me like London's like it's weird like it's very different visiting to live in there you live there you're just like well normal I think that you should visit you like oh there's an underground train that goes everywhere and I'm just like yeah welcome to my morning my stream's really jumpy at the moment I think it's called my phone's like oh wait wait wait wait what's the tweet my throat's like does anyone else want to get that word like the back of their throat's really itchy but they can't scratch it I think I don't want to go to them because I'm tired and I want to get rid of my bra to be honest they're painful but I can't take it off without like who hurt you but deep would do me and who hurt me do you mean my face am I confused with it kind of I'm just thank you I'm not a user well use a guitar string and not know about it because surely you would hear the thing oh yes underground oh um when I was in hospital um I wouldn't run up to me and attack me when I was going to my meds so pretty much it right the thing is that like she didn't even go to my face she like grabbed my hair and somewhere I got you can see in the back like when she grabbed because it's already short because like she the one for my my hair is not in the best condition given but she pulled like my hair really fell on this map but I don't even know how she did that because never have I been able to scratch my face and my nails yeah my life is very very much an exciting story but kind of actually ever been attacked by someone in the hospital I've probably so yeah I think I'm going to end the stream see all the clips now because I'm I'm tired and I've been talking for two hours so yeah my throat is really itchy that's weird really itchy and it's going to do that instead of typing yeah um here's one there the software that I use normally stream on so you can't see people guessed um yeah I'm gonna go I don't get no thought you've been why you're with me and do you have notifications on so I'll plug that but um yeah oh my god like and I'm a mess at the moment yeah I don't I don't know like my locker live it's very in the moment I don't remember I used to do weekly live streams but that kind of stopped yeah I don't know them I don't know I really don't know oh I know I've been talking for a very long time um I'm very tired tonight though and yeah okay I think I need to just move it I think we can't open a Skype me one day yes definitely I need to make a Skype account but yeah let me down you see all I watch is like mental health videos I got a phone call I can answer what's your religion I don't I don't need religion I don't I don't follow religion that's all no like everyone can do what they want but it's not my thing also yeah I just I believe myself that's really hard enough like I'm I'm terrible I need I'm terrible I need to but I just I can't do religion I just can't I think it it's I find it stressful and my brain being my brain it overthinks everything can go really deep into things and I just end up spiraling again so I got it again and it's not fun yeah I don't I don't do religion because to be very honest my family don't do religion at all and I don't come from like a place that's really religious so I just I just can't get my head around it I I just you know I don't know I'm trying to do religion but I am gonna go because you know I did just ignore a phone call from my mother so yeah I'm gonna I can't do religion it's just a bad mix with me yeah my issue is is I won't I won't look into it and I will just spiral and spiral and spiral oh no Lydia's so he's nagging and falling random balls of light around her bedroom right I it's not worth the damage it causes to my health over losing with a tar strength how I've lost a guitar string I can't even justify it maybe maybe it's been yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna go anyway because I need to you know pull my mother back and probably she doesn't kill me for ignoring example such a me problem I'm like oh god I could just tear my phone off then I pretend that I was asleep I mean that's the biggest sign that my mom does not follow my youtube channel it's nice talking to you that doesn't have to use ideas that don't need to I I've enjoyed this I just wanted like a pig I'm gonna end the stream because 142 minutes yeah try to read about like I'm not sacrificing my health for religion I just not I fully respect people who believe in religion and follow religions not my thing not my thing anyway I'm gonna go because it's like yeah it's been fun I've enjoyed the stream but one person who is now blocked from my channel so yeah uh I'm gonna stop talking to you know I'm going to sleep I like that I mean hi the night I'm gonna hi the night now um be hoppy I know yeah I respect people who can follow it I'm not one of that people I just I can't I never have and I never will like I've tried and it's backfired yeah I know I'm gonna go and yeah it's been some talking this is me a nearly nine o'clock in the evening right I'm going bye everybody I say that