 Hello my beautiful internet friends. Welcome back. Please say hi to Sadie and Sophie's butt that you can see back there They'll be joining us, but they'll be napping and probably snoring and destroying the audio quality on this video But that's okay because they're so damn cute. It is now t-minus six days until my second amputation Well, it is not how I would have planned things. I do have a cool story to tell at parties So worth it. It's not it's not worth it I got a letter yesterday, which was like the insurance approval and it said on it Like approval for amputation through fibia and tibula. Nope tibia and fibula You would think that I would know which bones are in my leg by this point and looking at that piece of paper It just got a lot more real that this is actually happening and what a bizarre turn of events All of this has been but that is not the point of this video The point of this video is making peace with panic, which is not a sentence I would normally say but in the past few days I've kind of been losing it and normally I would see that as a bad thing Normally, I would see that as a like you've got to get it together sort of thing I've been in counseling now for two years and we've talked about a lot of things But if I were to condense everything that my counselor has told me down to a single sentence It would be Joe just let yourself feel things. I don't do a very effective job I don't do a great job of letting my mind and body feel what it needs to feel I do have a very effective system for shoving emotions down putting them in tiny little boxes Labeling those boxes and putting them on shelves to be visited if I feel like it And if I do let myself feel things I control the amount that I allow that to happen I've let myself feel things more over the years as I've gotten more emotionally healthy But my counselor actually once called me emotionally anorexic, which is not an actual diagnosis She was just making the point that I starve my emotions I control them. I work so hard to control every aspect of what I feel That I never just feel things. I never just let it go, right? And I know an okay amount about mental health. I know a decent amount. I speak about it a lot But for all of that knowledge emotions terrify me still And I was thinking about the week leading up to my last amputation versus this one And this week I've just been losing it. This week I've just been like freaking out I'm really angry over nothing just wracked with anxiety and had a panic attack yesterday Which was, you know, not my favorite thing ever and generally I would look at that and think I'm not doing a great job handling things like that's the narrative I would have in my head But after I had a panic attack yesterday, which is not a pleasant thing Which is a scary and uncomfortable thing kind of came to a realization Which is exactly what my counselor has been telling me for two years I'm sure she would like it if I would have just listened like a year and a half ago I didn't try to stop myself when I was panicking yesterday It just mounted and mounted until I felt like I was losing my mind And usually what I would do in that situation is I would try to control it I'd try to like stop it down. I would be like, Joe, you're fine. You're okay Like here's what you should do to control it And here's what you need to do to like manage this and like stop it And just this narrative of control and instead of that I just gave in to it And I have no idea if what I'm preaching right now is a great way to talk about panic attacks or not But I just want to share my experience in case it might help anybody else I let that panic overtake me Felt my chest caving in on itself and the inability to breathe or think or move It led into me collapsing against a wall and just wailing Which sure was very concerning to my neighbors Sorry about that And afterwards I felt okay Like I felt alright I didn't busy myself with trying to control what I was thinking or feeling I just let it be And the more that I've done that the more moments like that that I've had The better I felt If you met me in real life I don't think anyone maybe maybe maybe not If you know me let me know if I'm wrong here But I don't think anyone would call me a control freak But deep down I am for myself for like everything inside of me I try to keep everything well organized and put together And I don't want to ever let anything get out of control When it comes to our emotions they're like the first thing that we experience As babies cry when something's wrong We laugh when something's great You know we're mad when we don't get what we want We don't actually get the ability to communicate for years We don't get the ability to think rationally for years after that Emotions serve a purpose Emotions are here for a reason And I think the more I try to stomp them down the worse things get I've seen that evidence in my own life And so just letting go yesterday I was amazed at how much better I felt afterwards I saw it as a normal reaction to an abnormal event To an abnormal time in my life And I didn't try to judge myself for it And I was thinking as I said about this week Leading up to the surgery versus the last one And I mean this is obviously very different Because I know what to expect To some extent going into this Like I know what I'm facing Before amputation when I still had a leg Going into the idea of not having a leg I was really numb I was really panicked in some moments But like I didn't actually let myself feel it I like stomped it back down And just was like I'm just gonna feel things later I just need to focus on getting through this Which hey that's survival Humans are amazing at surviving And there's nothing wrong with that But maybe not the healthiest way to go about things Long term And this time I'm feeling a lot of things And I'm letting myself feel a lot more of them And I feel a lot better about it The more I express emotion The more I'm able to actually feel hope afterwards Instead of just feeling darker and darker and darker Which is the opposite of what I would think would happen You think if you let yourself get really angry Or if you let yourself feel all of the overwhelm Or all of the anxiety or all of the terror That you'd feel worse after But that has not been my experience My experience is that if we allow ourselves to feel emotions As humans are designed to feel That things function a little bit better And in six days I'm gonna go to a hospital They're gonna cut up more of my leg And recovery's gonna be rough But I'm gonna get through it And I'm hopefully gonna get through it Allowing myself to feel more And not judging myself for it So if you're like me And you're a control freak with your emotions I just wanted to share that In my experience so far It's okay to let go It's okay to feel things And weirdly it feels better when I do And maybe it would for you too And on a side note I'm really excited to take you guys along with me on this journey Last time I was making videos But like it was for myself I didn't really have an audience yet at all I didn't have a community And now I have all of you guys And that's amazing Now speaking of communities In this next section I'm gonna be talking about my artwork And how to receive some I'm gonna be talking about Patreon So if you do not want to hear About Patreon Just end the video here But if you do want to hear about How to get some of my artwork I'd love it if you would listen Isn't that just a cool noise? In my last video I talked to you guys about The different things I am Aside from just being an amputee And one of the things I showed you Was some of my artwork And a lot of people commented That you guys really liked it And wanted to know where you could find it Or if I ever sold Prince of it Or anything like that And first off, thank you That's really awesome to hear And brings a smile to my face So I really appreciate that And secondly I wanted to answer that question Because I did not put that video up Strategically timed Or anything like that Like honestly But I actually went over to the print shop today And picked up five different prints Of five different pieces of artwork That I have That I'm going to send out to new patrons And old patrons alike So stay tuned If you have been a member of my Patreon For a while And if you are not a patron And have no intention of becoming one You can also get one So stay tuned to figure out how Recently I reorganized things Over on my Patreon page And if you don't know what Patreon is It's kind of like an online tip jar It's a way to support your favorite creators I actually do it for about five Actually, how many people do I do it for? Ten It's a way to get behind the scenes access to things Get additional features that aren't going to be on YouTube That have never been on YouTube And support your favorite creator So if that's something you're interested in I'll post a link down below I recently reorganized the tiers in my Patreon page And I'm really excited for what they are now Because right now You can either get a personalized video message From yours truly to you Or you can get a hand signed one of these So these are five pieces of my artwork That I've had printed That I will send out to you With a signature and a little note And no matter what level you join at You get early access to videos And you get your name and the credits And my eternal gratitude So if you're interested in that That's how you can actually get one of these If you have been a patron for a while I really really appreciate you And all you need to do Is send me a message on Patreon With your mailing address And I will send one out to you I can't take specific requests Because I don't have a lot of time to sort through that To be honest with you before surgery But I really want to thank you guys for supporting me And if you can't or don't want to support me on Patreon I totally understand I also want to make sure that you can get one of these I will be giving away a number of these And sending them out to you beautiful subscribers All you need to do to enter Is follow the link down below And enter your email address And if you win I will email you and ask for your mailing address My Patreon community Is something that's really special to me And I always want to find ways to improve it So please give me suggestions of what you'd like to see Or what other people do that you really like And I would love to implement Thank you guys so much for listening Thank you for saying nice things about my artwork I really appreciate that I don't usually try to promote my Patreon that much But because I made changes there And because I know that some of you guys Actually wondered where to find my artwork That is, that is where you can So yes I hope that wasn't too Ad Like You're wonderful Thank you for sending your time here with me today I hope that you are doing really well And taking care of yourselves And I love you guys and I'm thinking of you I'll see you in the next video And I'm excited to go on this adventure With all of you Bye guys