 J.T. Schelke! Oh! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with This Can't Be Love. The other nights some friends of mine were arguing as to whether first impressions or last impressions are the more important. Well, I say last impressions, at least when it comes to mealtime. For I think it's a dessert you're most likely to remember. And if that dessert is Jell-O, believe me, the memory is a mighty pleasant one. For Jell-O is so temperingly good to look at and so deliciously good to eat. Those six glowing colors are cheerful and gay. And those six delicious flavors are filled with extra-rich fruit goodness. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. Every one tastes as inviting as the real ripe fruit itself. That's why everybody enjoys Jell-O. That's why it's America's favorite Jell-Oton dessert. Remember, look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O and Jell-O spells a treat. This Can't Be Love played by the orchestra. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who, after lying flat on his back for three days with a bad cold, threw off the covers and said, Good heavens, it's Sunday. The show must go on. Them was my words exactly. So now we bring you that heroic personality, that rugged thespian, that grand old trooper, Jack Benny. Thank you. Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny, that red-nosed fluji with a snip-snip. And Don, just as you say, I deserve a lot of credit for coming down here tonight. No matter how an actor feels, his first duty is to his public. Oh, you're right, Jack, and I'm mighty proud of you. Why, Don, I've always been like that. I remember one time when I was playing vaudeville in Peoria, Illinois, and even though I had hay fever and I was following the Golden Rod trio, I went on and did that show just the same. Well, that was a real test, Jack. But no kidding, Don, for the last three days I've been a pretty sick boy, and if I hadn't been for my physician, Dr. Jerome Schmink, I doubt that I'd be here today. Dr. Schmink? Well, Jack, I know him, but he's not a physician. He's a seropidist. A seropidist? Yes. Oh, well, that explains it. Explains what? Well, the minute he came into my room, he said, open your mouth, say ah, and take off your shoes. Now I understand. Well, how was he, Jack? Did he take good care of your cold? Well, Don, my cold isn't completely cured, but my corns feel wonderful. Anyway, I should have known he was a foot doctor. When he went to take my pulse, he had his watch in one hand and my ankle in the other. Well, I guess we all make mistakes. Hello, hero. How's the brave little soldier tonight? Well, I wouldn't joke about it, Phil. My illness was much more serious than you think. It was, huh? Yes. My doctor told me that if my cold was one germ worse, I'd have found out if angels have dirty faces. You mean you'd have found out if the devil was a sissy. Listen, Phil, if you were as sick as I was, you wouldn't be clowning about it tonight, believe me. Well, I know you were sick. I came to visit you, didn't I? Sure you did. You knew I had a cold, so you figured I'd have a bottle of whiskey around. That's why. Yeah, and that was some stuff you had, too. Wow! Yeah, what was the matter with it? I took one drink and my inlays did the lamb with walk. Well, it serves your right. And incidentally, Phil, I want to thank you very much for the lovely gift you sent me. That was sweet. Yeah, wasn't it? What was it, Jack? Well, I happen to tell Phil I was sick as a dog and he sent me a can of kennel ration. Kennel ration? Yeah, I didn't mind that so much, but Rochester made me an amulet out of it. Oh, hello, Kenny. Hello, Jack, is your cold better? Not much, Kenny. But as weak as I was today, I jumped out of bed, grabbed a taxi cab and rushed down here to the studio. And why did I do it? I don't know. Is it because you're a ham? No, and don't be so fresh. And another thing, Kenny, at least you're going to come to see me while I was sick. Yeah, Kenny, you should have gone there just for laughs. What laughs? Now, Phil. When I went up to see Jack, he was wearing a nightgown. A nightgown? Gee! Well, certainly I was wearing a nightgown. It creeps up around my neck where my cold is and keeps me warm. There's nothing wrong with that. You should have seen him, fellas. He looked like old Mother Hubbard. Phil, one more crack out of you and I'll go to the cupboard and tear up your options. I was talking to Kenny so you keep out of it. Oh, boy. I bet you were a riot in your nightgown. Yeah, Kenny, if you'll come out of your hysterics for a minute, I'd like to ask you who won that Thanksgiving turkey you were selling tickets on last week? Oh, that? Yeah. Oh, a fellow by the name of Baker, Kenneth L. Baker. Oh, I see. Just a racket, huh? You sold me a ticket and jipped me out of 50 cents. You know what that means? Yes, Barnum was right. Tomorrow when you get your check, think of Barnum. You know, Kenny, I'm really surprised you have all people. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. How do you feel? Mary, you can't possibly realize what an effort it was for me to come to work today. I was in a very critical condition. Well, it's your own fault, Jack. Here you were sick in bed for three days and you wouldn't even hire a nurse. Now, wait a minute, Mary. I had a nurse and you know it. A fine nurse. All you did was paint a red cross on Rochester's coast. Well, Mary, I would have had a regular nurse, but I just couldn't find the right one. Well, of course you couldn't. What was wrong, Mary? Jack wanted a Cuban girl so he could get free rumba lessons. Oh, Mary, don't try to get laughs out of my illness. Yeah, I hardly slept a wink all week. Well, how could you with all those silver dollars in your mattress? Well, you can all kid about my sickness, but it was lucky for me that Rochester knows something about medicine. He was the only one who thought of putting a mustard plaster on my chest. Is it still there? Yeah. Say, Jack, did he save your chest before he put the plaster on? No, he didn't. Why? Oh, brother, I hope I'm there for the unveiling. Say, that's right. Darn that, Rochester. Now, how am I going to get this mustard plaster off? Oh, I'll help you, Jack. It'll only take a minute. No, no, not now, Jack. Oh, I've done this a lot of times. Now, uh, non-button your shirt. Well, well, okay. This may hurt a little, Jack. Oh, go ahead, Don. I can take it. You're dealing with a he-man. He-man? Hey, Mary, you want to hear something? What? When I went over to see Jack, he was wearing a nightgown. I know. He borrowed it from me. Now, Mary, you promised you wouldn't say a word about it. No kidding, Mary. Was that really your nightgown? Now, listen. Sure. Didn't you see the letters M-L on it? Mary Livingston. Well, I'll be darned. Jack told me that stood for man's lingerie. Oh, keep quiet, you two. I want to get this mustard plaster off. Go ahead, Don. Okay. Now, steady, Jack. Yeah. Steady. Ooh, ooh, jeez. Oh! Ooh. Take it easy, Don. Gee, this is more fun than Ocean Park. Wait a bit, Don. Better not mushy with it. Say, Jack, let me try it. I can do it so you won't even feel it. Oh, no, you don't, Phil. Come on, Jack. Now, it's not going to hurt a bit. Now, come here. Well, all right, Phil. But if I feel one... Ow! Ow! Now, there you are. It didn't hurt a bit. Didn't hurt? Why, you idiot? You might have killed me. You're about to sing, Kenny. Go ahead. Okay. Oh, look at me. There isn't a hair on my chest. The tattooed lady has gone, too. It is! Darn you, Harris. I'll have to be redecorated. Oh! Could be so. Life will never begin. Maria, let's descend. Marie, sung by Kenny Baker. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Oh, my chest still hurts. Darn you, Phil. And now, ladies and gentlemen, before introducing our play, I would like to announce that next Sunday night, we are going to do our broadcast from Radio City, New York. And the whole gang of us are going to be there. Aren't we, fellas? We are. I don't know about you. No, I'll be there. She is going to be nice to see New York again. Jack, if you've got such a bad cold, what are you going to New York for? I understand they're having pretty bad snow storms back there. It makes no difference, Don. I've got to be there next week. Well, what's all the rush about? What's so important? There's a sale at Macy's. That's not the only reason I'm going. I've got an appointment with a big New York producer. You know, fellas, you know, the Shakespearean cycle is on again in New York. And, um... No, really, and this producer, he wants me to appear in Romeo and Juliet. Romeo and Juliet? Yes. You couldn't be a flower pot on the balcony. Well, Phil, whether you like it or not, that's the play I'll probably do on Broadway. And I'm quite positive I'm going to be Romeo. It's my night, Don. You could be Juliet. We'll wait until next week. You'll see. And now, folks... Oh, boy, New York! Say, I haven't been there in two years. Two years, huh? Yeah. See, I bet the Empire State Building is wearing long pants now. Yes, Kenny, and the Chrysler Building just had pups. And now, folks... I don't know anything about pups, but I do know that men, women, and children are crazy about jello. It's tempting, economical, and easy to make, so look for the big red letters on the box. Don, that's positively amazing. When you started out, I didn't even suspect that you were going to talk about jello. You didn't? I did. Well, it just goes to show you. But what? I don't know. And now, folks, we must go on with our play. This being the climax of the football season, tonight, we will bring you our annual drama of the gridiron, entitled, Hold That Line. Or one moment, please. Now, once again... Once again, I will play the part of Flash Benny, the famous football coach. Kenny Baker will be right-end, Phil Harris left-end, and Don Wilson will be the backfield. Now, hold on a minute, Jack. Hold on, Jack. When the whistle blows, the backfield has to spread out. Well, you've been doing all right up to now. Now, let me see... Say, Jack, am I going to be in the football play? Yes, Mary. You're going to be a beautiful co-ed, watching the game way up in the grandstand. Oh, no. I want to be down on the field where the dialogue is. Well, I don't know, Mary. We let you in the game last year, and every time the players went in a huddle, they came out with lipstick on. Now, you can't play. Oh, yeah? Well, you got a fat chance of winning the game without Butch Livingson. Oh, all right, Butch. But if you're going to play, take off that silly hat. Lest the cheering section give you the Bronx salute. You ought to see this one, folks. It looks like a plate of borscht. It's even got two potatoes in it. And now, folks, while we all get into our uniforms, Phil Harris and his uneducated collegians will play... Wait a minute. I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Belly. This is your nurse talking. Oh, hello, Rochester. What do you want? Well, I was a little worried, so I thought I'd call him and see how you're feeling. Well, that's very thoughtful, Rochester. I'm feeling fine. You are? My, my. What's the matter? What are you mimying about? Oh, nothing. See you later, boy. Now, wait a minute. Why were you surprised when I told you I was feeling fine? Well... Well what? You know that cough medicine I've been giving you all week? Yes, what about it? You ain't never gonna have dandruff in your stomach. Good heavens, Rochester, as you give me that hair tonic, I told you a thousand times to read the label. I told you a thousand times I can't read. Well, you should get glasses. I ain't gonna help any. Well, never mind that. I'll see you tonight. So long. So long, boss. Hey, wait a minute. You know that mustard plaster you put on me this morning? Yes. Well, I had an awful time getting it off. Why didn't you shave my chest first? Shave you? Look, boss, I don't mind being a butler, a chauffeur, and a nurse, but when I get a raise in my hand, it's for defensive purposes only. All right, I'll take this up with you tonight. Goodbye. Oh, wait a minute, boss. Am I going to New York with you? Yes, Rochester, you're going. Hold everything, Harlem. Here comes your son-kiss-to-horns-blossom. All right. Go get excited. Goodbye. How do you like that, fellas? Isn't that awful? I've been drinking hair tonic all week. Well, that won't hurt you. Look at my guitar player. He's the picture of hell. Yes, but if you ever take that stool out from under him, watch out. Go ahead and play, Phil. We've got a long sketch to do. That was Girlfriend of the Whirling Dervish, played by a boyfriend of anyone who's got a girlfriend. And now for our football play, hold that line. The scene is Flatfoot College, located in the thriving little town of Toboggan slide, Indiana. The first half has just ended in the annual game with Meatball Tech. The coach is giving his team a pep talk in the locker room. Curtain, the music. Now listen, men, in this last half we've got to get in there and fight. Don't be discouraged. Why, that other team are a bunch of spineless jellyfish. Why, they're yellow. Yeah, but we're black and blue. Oh, let's not get technicolor. Now listen, men, we've never won a game from Meatball Tech, but today it's a cinch. What do you mean a cinch? The score is 65 to nothing in their favor. Well, we're still young, aren't we? Now we can win this game if you guys will put a little pep into it, especially you, Harris. In the second quarter you had a marvelous chance for a touchdown, and you stopped right in the middle of the play to comb your hair. What was the idea? Well, I want to look good in the news reel. Oh, you do, eh? And incidentally, I hate show-offs. The next time you get the ball, run with it. Don't truck on down. Well, I got rhythm. Never mind. And you, Wilson. Oh, I'm sorry about that one fumble, Coach. One fumble? I thought you were playing drop the handkerchief. And you, Butch. What is it, Coach? You're a great help, too. In the last play you were penalized 15 yards for holding. Well, he was handsome. Handsome, eh? I wouldn't care if he was Clark Gable. We're playing football. Gee, West, Coach, I'm doing the best I can. I'll say you are. We haven't played a team this fall that you haven't given your phone number to. Well, it's a long winter. Fine bunch of athletes. Hey, Coach. What do you want, Baker? You remember when I was running past the 40-yard line and I dropped the ball? Yes. Then I picked it up and dropped it again? Yes. And then I picked it up? Yes. And then I dropped it again? Well, what about it? Wasn't that aggravating? It certainly was. And incidentally, Baker, what's the idea of playing football in a sailor's hood? I thought it might rain. Oh. Well, I'm not taking any chances in the second half. I'm going in the game myself. Hooray! Okay, man. Now, let's get out in the field and give him a real game. Wait a minute. Come in. Telegram for Jack Benny. Take it, Butch. Okay. Maybe it's an offer to play Notre Dame. Oh, Jack, this wire's from New York. It's from the Acme Hotel on 14th Street. 14th Street? What does it say? It says it can offer you excellent accommodations during your stay in New York. Rate $6 a week. Bath on every floor. Just follow the arrow. Wow. It can give you a lovely room overlooking a Tomcat. Tomcat. Above rate includes a continental breakfast consisting of a New England boiled dinner. Oh, I see. Signed anxious. That sounds attractive. $6 a week. Oh, but it's really too far from everything. Hey, Coach, what about the football game? That's right. Now remember, man. Let's get out in that field and fight. Who will win this game? Or my name ain't Flash Benny. Here we are, folks. The score is 65-0 and the second half is about to begin. Meatball is already on the field and here comes Flash Benny and his flat foot team. Flat foot is going to kick off the meatball and the crowd is on pins and needles. Don't they have seats here? Shut up. And there's the whistle. They're lining up. Flash Benny is about to kick off. On your toes, man. He's running toward the ball. And there's the kick. Darn it, I forgot to blow it up. Give me another ball, fellas. Here's the watermelon, Coach. I don't want that. We haven't used a watermelon since we played Alabama. Hey, Wilson, give me that ball you've got. Oh, no, it's mine and I want a kicker. All right, you big baby. I hope you stub your toe. Baker, you hold the ball for the kick. Okay. There they go, folks. A new ball is being held in place by Baker. Big boy Wilson is about to kick off and here comes the kick. What a kick. Gee, that ball looks awfully big. That's it. Come down here. Wilson missed the ball and kicked Baker. Meatball receives Baker on their own 40-yard line. That's your fault, Wilson. What's this? It's a fumble and flat foot recovers the ball. Take it away, Phil. All right, fellas, we got the ball. Now, here's our chance to pay off the mortgage and get our dean back from the finance company. Let him stay there. That's a fine spirit. Now, listen, Wilson, when the ball is snapped to me, I'll throw it to Harris. He'll pass it to you and instead of going through center, you run around your own end. What are you laughing at? You better take your lunch. It'll be a long trip. Never mind that. We'll try this play for a touchdown. Now get in there, Harris, and give those signals. I'm sorry, Coach. I forgot them. Forgot the signals? So did I. Hmm, fine thing. What do we do now? Let's change partners and dance. No, that won't do. I know. I'll call the signals myself. Come on, men. This is our one big chance. They come out of the huddle. They're lining up now. Last Benny is a quarter. All right, men. Signals. One for the money. Two for the show. I'll take the ball and away we go. I got it. Benny has the ball. He passes it to Wilson. Wilson fumbles it. And Benny recovers. And there goes Benny down the field. What a burst of speed. Look at him. Wow. Oh, my chest. Wow. Can that boy run? Look at him go. 20 yards. 30 yards. 40 yards. Play, Phil. If you want your husband to take you to the movies after dinner tomorrow night, here's a dessert that is guaranteed to put him in a swell, good humor. It's the new Jell-O butterscotch pudding, and it's a dish your whole family will go for. For Jell-O butterscotch pudding has that real old-fashioned butterscotch flavor. It's rich and creamy with a tempting taffy color and a flavor that's mellow and smooth. It's a treat from your first spoonful to your last. And it's only one of three new treats, three new Jell-O puddings. There's Jell-O vanilla pudding made from real vanilla. Delicate, creamy, and delicious. And Jell-O chocolate pudding, rich in chocolatey. All three bring you real homemade goodness, while they're made with the same fine, wholesome ingredients you'd use yourself right in your own kitchen. And all three are amazingly quick and easy to prepare with just a few minutes cooking. Simple directions are in every package. Buy three packages at a time. Ask your grocer tomorrow for Jell-O butterscotch, vanilla, and chocolate pudding. This is the last number of the ninth program in the new Jell-O series, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night at the same time, broadcasting from Radio City, New York. Hey, Jack, you better buy some galoshes. You better buy some galoshes. You know it's snowing in New York. Oh, I won't need them. I'll have Rochester carry me piggyback. Good night. This can't be love. It's from the boys from Syracuse. Kenny Baker appears on the Jell-O program through courtesy of Mervyn the Royal Production. This is the National Broadcasting Company.