 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five emotional reasons why a man isn't investing in you. We're gonna get into the nitty gritty on that. Now really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Also, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are just my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so much of my advice is contrary to public opinion. All right, let's jump into those five reasons why a guy isn't emotionally investing in you. All right, listen, I can recognize for many of you women the dating process is incredibly frustrating to you, especially in midlife, but at any stage you are in your journey of seeking maybe a committed partnership with someone. And human behavior can be riddled with so many confusing things, like men who come on strong and then disappear, men who come on strong and then ghost, which is the same thing as disappearing, men who come on strong who are emotionally unavailable, men who don't even come on strong, they come on weak, they come on needy, all these different things can make it very frustrating, very confusing, especially since we've been indoctrinated in this fantasy that relationships are rather easy, that it should just be magical, it just should be perfect. In fact, quite frankly, most people are suckling on the nipple of the fantasy type of relationship because they've witnessed one or two friends who've had a magical experience, and yet most everybody is forgetting all the traumatic experiences, and I'm sad to laugh at that, I'm laughing at the absurdity of it all. The absurdity of it all is the differentiating between the fantasy and the reality of human beings. Let me repeat that, fantasy versus the reality of human beings, and why I'm sharing this before I'm getting into the content is the reality is most human beings are riddled with flaws, most human beings are riddled with traumas, most human beings are riddled with childhood wounds, and most human beings have gone unresolved in dealing with their traumas. And what makes matters worse is a significant percent of the population is pointing the finger at those who have traumas, who have childhood wounds, who haven't done any healing, and point the finger at them at being bad. And when you point the finger at someone being bad for their behavior, all that does is make matters worse. Now, you might not publicly, or you might not directly tell someone they're bad, but certainly there's a vomiting on social media, how men are narcissistic and men are unappreciative and all the different things, the narratives that go on about how men are bad out there. And quite frankly, sadly, men are saying the same things about women. If you actually listen to the dating sites for men, they're mostly criticizing female behavior as being overly entitled, overly projecting their worth, if you will. And so there's this friction between men and women. And this saddens me to no avail, this saddens me. Let me just say it saddens me. The friction between men and women, the friction between the sexes, if you will. And this is why I want to draw attention to the deeper things that are happening in the dating, mating, and relating realm because human beings are riddled with flaws. And if we don't first accept our own flaws and we focus on the flaws of others, how can we ever really become intimate with another human being? And what I mean by intimacy, I mean, into me you see, in other words, actually letting someone in to your heart to be vulnerable, to be authentic, to be transparent. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to actually be vulnerable with another human being. And interesting enough in the early stage of dating is actually when we are probably can be our most vulnerable, when we connect with someone and we feel that spark, we feel that energetic connection, we feel that chemistry. And it's oftentimes the early stages where we come off a little bit vulnerable and then what happens once the relationships become entrenched a little bit, this is where people start to default into who they actually can be or who they are in relationship. So right now I'm gonna give you the five reasons why a man might not be emotionally investing in you to give you some insight. And let me just say that the five that I share, this is absolutely true for women as well as men. I'm gonna repeat that this is true for women as well as men because quite frankly, it's the divide between the sexes that's causing so much of the friction out there because there's a lot of pointing the finger at the opposite sex. And this is particularly for the heterosexual, my heterosexual audience, there's the pointing the finger at the opposite sex and instead of really taking ownership on how you might be contributing to a lot of your frustration. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know by hitting that like button right now. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses and we are going to look at the five reasons he's not emotionally investing in you. And you can see I wrote up top their fantasy versus reality. All right, so let's jump into the five reasons. And number one, he wants to connect with you. He wants to connect with you emotionally and yet he has fears of intimacy. I'm gonna repeat that he wants to connect with you emotionally and he has fears of intimacy. In fact, if you're not familiar with the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, this talks about love attachment style. In particular, I invite you to understand the avoidant personality, the avoidant love attachment style because avoidants desperately want to be intimate and yet whatever wound that happened in their childhood has caused them to create a wall up. So they're desperate for connection and yet they fear intimacy. It's because of childhood wounds and traumas that have gone unresolved. Now, I know this can be really tricky to try to ascertain and the reality is that the vast majority of humans have had, now there's varying degrees of trauma and wounds in their life and the more someone has suffered trauma or wounds in their childhood life and that has gone unresolved that the more it flares up, the older they get. So when you're actually dealing with the 20 and 30-year-old category of people, it hasn't really reached its full, it hasn't percolated to its full chaos or dysfunctionality until people start hitting 40, 50, and 60. This is why this whole narrative about men and midlife crisis always wanting to seek younger women as an example and I was just listening to a supermodel who's single now in her mid fifties complaining about men seeking younger women as if it's just the bright, shiny penny, if you will, when in reality it's when that stuff starts to surface, our life can go into absolute chaos on an emotional level. Let me repeat that can go to absolute chaos on an emotional level. And folks, let me just say this, nothing triggers our childhood wounds and our emotional traumas. Like the dating process, dating triggers the number one emotional health issue most folks are facing, which is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. Dating triggers this. Now it's actually a benefit that it's triggering us because it's an opportunity to actually work on our wounds. And so I invite everyone to check out this book that I continually recommend called The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process. This is a deep dive into healing child and wounds and traumas that affect us, that create our negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our life, in addition, that cause many people to be very closed off. So let me repeat this, the first reason, and by the way, this is in no order, the first reason why men aren't emotionally investing in you is they desperately want to, but they don't know how, they don't know how. And we're gonna talk at the end how to address this going deeper. All right, number two, number two, he has chaos going on in his life. He has chaos going on in his life. And let me give you some examples. He's going through a contentious divorce. He's got issues at his job. Maybe he's got issues with his children. Maybe he has health issues. When somebody has a significant amount of issues going on in their life, it means that the ground underneath them isn't solid for them to actually lean into the emotional responsibility of a relationship. Let me repeat that, the emotional responsibility of a relationship. And quite frankly, as I shared a moment ago, significant percentage of people don't even have the capacity to go deeper. But then now when you have chaos going on in your life, it makes it even more monumentally challenging to lean into the emotional aspects of the relationship. And many of you ladies, quite frankly, judge men around this as if they're bad. And I want to say this from the bottom of my heart, folks, I encourage you all, if you wanna shift your dating in a relationship narrative right today, then I invite you, look it, I recognize you might've been hurt in the past, okay? And I recognize that many of you are putting all men in a box that they're bad. I'm here to say most men are actually good people. Most men are good people, they're just bad daters. That doesn't make them bad human beings. And the minute we judge someone as being bad, and especially if we judge an entire gender as being bad, then you will literally attract more of what you don't want. Let me repeat that, you'll attract more of what you don't want. So I'm just offering the reasons why this happens so you can have a better understanding to have compassion for what. And by the way, I'm hoping men are watching this too because quite frankly, we can reverse everything I'm sharing here and it's exactly the same for women as well. Women go through chaos in their life. There are emotionally women who want connection and fear intimacy as well. In fact, the older we become, the more we fear intimacy, especially if we've had one experience that didn't work out and another experience that didn't work out and another experience that didn't work out. And that wears on us. You know, I don't think humans were designed for this much dating in our lives. Scooby-dooby-doo! So, number two, he has chaos going on in his life. Number three, he feels unsafe with you. In other words, you're actually giving off a vibe of closed off. So if you're giving a vibe of closed off, then a man doesn't, many human beings feel a reluctance to lean into someone who's closed off. And I can tell you a significant percentage of women out there. And what I mean by significant, I mean really, really, really, really, really high are also closed off. Now, it might even be masked in a anxious behavior, but yet most people, men and women alike are fearing going deeper for the fear of getting hurt. And I get it. Listen, we've all been hurt. I'd be shocked if there isn't one human being on the planet that doesn't feel like they've been hurt in a relationship. And I'd be shocked if it wasn't feeling like you've gotten hurt multiple times. Here's the thing. I'm trying to draw attention to this because the fantasy that many approach the relationship process is going to set you up for failure. So I'm just drawing attention to the reality of what's actually happening out there. And I know you've watched a couple of my contemporaries that met and they fell in love and it was all magical. It was all just so magical, magical, magical, magical. Those are the exceptions. Those aren't the rules. You can't get advice from somebody that's the exception and not the rule. What we are dealing with, and I'm in the same boat as all of you, what we're dealing with is a lot of chaos out there because the vast majority of the population has weak relationship skills and weak emotional maturity. And if you're not familiar with my recent graph, and by the way, I want you to notice on the bottom, this is not a fact, it's an opinion. I want you to look right here. I believe, and this is just my belief that roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues, clinical issues, whether it's borderline, bipolar, narcissism, sociopath, and even worse, they even have criminal issues going on. That's roughly about 20%. And then roughly 20% of the population is rather healthy. And let me say this, when I say 20%, that is being ridiculously generous, ridiculously generous, and the vast majority of people are dysfunctional. So let's just set the stage, understand that anyone you're going to meet on these little dating apps where 99% of people are meeting today are on these dating apps. Right off the bat, I just assume everybody is fucked up. I just wanna know how bad they're fucked up. And I'm talking to you, and I'm talking about me as well because I've got issues just like all of you. So, and I look for who owns their shit versus those who are blind to it. And I gotta tell you, sometimes just reading the comments on my page, it gives you, it's amazing sometimes to read the amount of people who are completely unconscious to their negative patterns and limiting beliefs of judging others and then acting almost from a place of superiority. I mean, it's quite frankly, borderlining on narcissism. And I'm not suggesting to put the people in a narcissistic box, but the reality is is when you've had so many traumas and wounds in your life, you can actually show up as a narcissist from a defensive behavior and not be a true clinical narcissist. And yet we are suckling on the nipple of, a lot of people are suckling on the nipple of, I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. And if you're not loving me to feel good about myself, then you're bad. Let me repeat that. If you're not loving me so I can feel good about myself, you're bad and we are suckling on that nipple like nobody's fucking business. All right, so number three, you're putting off a vibe that's causing him not to emotionally invest in you. Number four, he has an unresolved past relationship or worse, he pines for a previous relationship in X. Let me repeat that, he pines for that person. This is true of men and women alike. If you have unresolved issues with a past relationship or you're actually still pining for that person, it's gonna be making it very difficult to fully invest in a new relationship. And this is one of the primary reasons that causes men and women not to invest emotionally. They're still harboring some feelings, maybe some, oh, and by the way, ladies, you guys are, I mean, absolute clinical at this issue of you're literally blame every guy for every harm and you're carrying that through. So we men feel it too. It's a block going on. So this isn't just women or men, this is women as well. And number five, you know what? You're just both a mismatch. You're just a mismatch. And yet he's nestled into, and you both have nestled into what's called a situation ship, but you're just a mismatch. And when you're a mismatch, it's very difficult to develop the deeper intimacy to be in a healthy, happy relationship. So how do we dress this in the beginning? First and foremost, folks, it's understanding that chemistry does not equal relationship success. And if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, bump, bump, bump, I want you to look at this. The tip of the iceberg is chemistry. And as you can see above the waterline is attraction. And below the waterline is compatibility, means shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And if you haven't learned how to vet for that, meaning how to ascertain, how to ask the right questions, then I highly recommend checking out a link to a free discovery call with me because my area of expertise is I'm about ready to burp. My area of expertise is to help you learn how to ask better questions in the early stages of dating so you can actually be better prepared to choose someone who is more compatible for you instead of the narrative that chemistry equals relationship success. And let me just say this. If you haven't invested in your own emotional maturity, if you haven't invested in your own self-love, you're gonna repeat patterns over and over and over again. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. This is why I recommend my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? There's a link below to my book. This is a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work so you can actually be better prepared to be in a juicy, delicious, happy relationship. Is this thinking in? Is this resonating? If it is, give me a thumbs up, give me an amen. So I know that you actually are taking in what I'm saying beyond the fantasy and actually understand the reality is that most men are good guys. They're just bad daters. Most women are good people. They're just bad daters. And the reality is as we age, the reality is is only a small percentage are gonna have a healthy, happy relationship. Most of us go on the journey as an opportunity to learn to love ourselves. This is my belief system. I could blow smoke up your ass and sell you on the fantasy and try to sell you on some $5,000 program so you can think that the fantasy works and you'll be right back where you started. I'm here to draw attention to the real issues going on out there, which is there are a lot of people hurting on the inside, a lot of people, men and women alike, and they're doing the best they can and not everybody does things the way you wish they would. And just remember this, life isn't a destination. It's the journey. Learn to appreciate the roller coaster because what you might find is if you actually learn to appreciate the journey, then you won't get so stuck like so many people do, blaming the opposite sex for what happens in your dating, mating, or relating life. Remember, be intentional, understand the process and love on yourself and you might find yourself experiencing a great guy because you're a great person for him as well. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, it's time for Q and A. For those who are familiar with my live streams, if you're watching the video right now, we have a chat box right in the corner. This is your chance to ask a question, write the word question, then post the question there after so it's easier for me to find or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All of the funds from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley, my son who passed away a few years ago. There's a picture of him with his mommy right there. This was actually the last time we were together as, we were together as a family. It was at my son's graduation, my oldest son's graduation. And so coming back to the scholarship fund, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. So if you donate to Connor, I would be hugely appreciative. And it also tells me that you're valuing my content as well. And by the way, if you're listening to the recording, you won't be able to see this, but it's there. All right, so let's jump in and take a look at questions. All right, if you have a question, write the word question and post it there after so it's easy for me to find. Bum, bum, bum. Jervie says, amen. Jazzy says, amen. Sass says, hallelujah. Thank you so much, Sass, I appreciate it. Jane says, there are hundreds of men online and I thought to message one. Yet some are hundreds of miles and they like me. Thank you for sharing that, I appreciate that. I don't know what question there is, but I appreciate that. You have a question, post the word question so I can answer all your questions right now. Let's see what we have here. Let's go swimming, let's go swimming. It looks like we have a bash, oh, here we go. Linda writes, question. How soon should you cut an inconsistent guy loose? How soon? God, that's a tough one because, is it the first, second, or third date? I don't know, it's really tricky, the first, I gotta tell you the first 10 dates, that first stage of getting to know someone is a little bit tricky because the reality is is, when someone is a total stranger, it's very difficult to know if they're sincere or they're just inconsistent or ambivalent to the process. So within the first 10 dates, I think we have to be a little bit more pliable. Certainly, I'd say certainly the first three or four dates are certainly by the time you have sex, okay? After that, consistency is very important if you choose to explore a relationship. And let me just say this folks, I'm a big proponent if when two people say that they like each other and two people want to see each other on a regular basis and two people have energetic connection and two people have sexual chemistry that you should actually be intentional by saying the words, I would like to explore a relationship with you. I would like to explore a relationship with you. Because dating is the fact-finding process to decide if you want to explore a relationship. So I'm more of a proponent of being more deliberate in the process by actually saying the words. It actually quantifies their seriousness in the process. I'm gonna tell you something folks, if I like a woman by the second or third date, by the fourth date, I'm open to say I'd like to explore a relationship with you. It doesn't mean we're in a relationship, I just want to explore that. And by saying those words, it's a more of an intentional way of approaching this. Now, ladies, I know you've been indoctrinated that all you have to do is lean back in your feminine energy and the men will naturally clean you. Everybody watches my channel knows I like to joke on the whole feminine energy leaning back bullshit. And that's what it is to me, bullshit. Because it's not about being in your feminine energy, it's about being in your empowered sovereign energy. I'm gonna repeat that's about being in your empowered sovereign energy. Let's take out the label of feminine or masculine because it sets everybody up for failure. How about we're just empowered human beings, being your empowerment because that is fucking sexy to be in your empowerment. The problem is we're not in our empowerment because the number one emotional health issue for everybody is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. So this is why ladies, you've been indoctrinated throughout history that men are the leaders of the relationship. And I'm here to say you're giving the job to the wrong person. You are in charge of your relationship, Destiny, not the guy. Now, this is why I'm a big proponent of co-creating a relationship, co-creating a relationship. And if you follow my work, I always say this before the penis goes inside the vagina, you better have read the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. And if you choose to explore a relationship together, then you should be talking about the material in this book. And if you didn't do it before the penis goes inside the vagina, you better do it early before you give your heart to the wrong person. Understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. This is going to set you up for a relationship success, success, success, success, success, success, success. I want you to have relationship success by understanding the mechanics of a healthy, happy relationship. So coming back to your original question, I went up on one of my tangents. What do you do? When's the time to cut someone off in the inconsistency? I think the best way is to say, to ask yourself, does this person make me feel good, or do I not feel good? And if their actions don't make you feel good, I don't like the word make. If you're not feeling good by their actions, that's usually a good indication that this isn't the right person. Recognizing that people make mistakes. And by the way, when a person makes a mistake, if they genuinely and sincerely apologize, that's absolutely okay. If they try to remedy it, that's okay, because the reality is, and I'm speaking right now from personal experience, I've done so many stupid things. I've put my foot in my mouth, I've been myopic, I've done it all. And I'd like to think I've reached a point in my life where I take ownership when I screw up. So just remember, if someone is inconsistent and takes ownership of it and tries to remedy it, that's okay too. Is this sinking in? I hope so. All right, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Wow, we've got a lot more going here. And that was Linda's question. Thank you so much, I appreciate that. Deborah says, you're pretty good and help a lot of people with your straightforwardness. Thank you so much. Moya says a bunch of hugs, I appreciate that. All right, Daryl sends me a virtual hug. Thank you so much. All right, question. Why are so many men so passive? Great question, Cindy. Let me ask you a question. Why are so many women passive? I invite you to answer that question about women and I bet you're gonna find out that it's the same for men because the reality is the minute you've lumped people and the reason why people are passive, let me repeat this, the number one emotional health issue facing everybody is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. Listen, I know you've been indoctrinated that men are confident beings and they're just going to claim you. I'd love to joke about that because the reality is is you're being fed so much fucking bullshit about the few percentage of emotionally healthy men and putting all the dysfunctional men in the same box without recognizing your ladies. Most women are dysfunctional as well. Women are ridiculously passive. Oh my God, it's so frustrating as a male out there to experience the same thing. Now listen, I cut everybody slack because I recognize going back to the emotional skills, 80% of people are fucked up. If we can just listen, we can just look at people and say, you know what, I'm dealing with a child. I mean, seriously, I'm dealing with a child. Now, is this a child beyond their years or is this a real infant? Now, I invite you to check out the book how to be an adult in relationship because quite frankly, ladies, you are just as much a child out there as men. Let me repeat that, you're just as much a child out there as men. So I invite you to check out how to be an adult in relationship and start looking for people who actually can communicate. Really the bottom line is this, passivity is usually a result of someone being confused. They just don't know what to do. And I think one of the challenges for most human beings, men and women alike is that they have weak communication skills. They have weak skills in being able to listen and weak skills into actually articulating their feelings. I know this because let me tell you something ladies, you all walk around and by the way, I'm not, I'm only to the extent that I'm criticizing women. I'm only criticizing the narrative that you all think you're perfect, just like every guy thinks they're perfect. Everybody is fucked up, okay? Let's just understand that and ladies, you have a propensity to not speak your truth in relationship. Chapter one in my book, if speak your truth, do it with kindness. And if you do it from a heart-centered place, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. And yet so many of you women don't communicate your truth and worse, you vomit your truth out to men. And we just don't know what to do with all the vomit because we're trying to look for the pony in the shit. And let me just say this, in all fairness, men are terrible at communicating their feelings. Men tend to try to communicate their feelings from a logical perspective and women tend to do it in an over-dramatic perspective. Now this isn't the absolute, this is just the average if you will. So coming back to the question about passivity, listen, if you can answer why women are passive, then you'll get the answer to why men are passive. And I hope I helped you out with that question. So Cindy, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, we'll keep going. Sass jumps in and says question, going in just being real and positive and authentic is the best way. Folks, I'm gonna share something personal. In a very, recently I met someone who I was really smitten by and I felt like we had this great energetic connection. And we had two dates. And at some point I said something really stupid, very insensitive. And it was a challenge for me because I should know better. I mean, I do this for a living. And what occurs to me is I'm a human being like nobody else. I make mistakes. And yet I was vulnerable, authentic and transparent. Wasn't trying to manipulate her. I was definitely in my own selfishness. So I'm gonna own that. But I was vulnerable, authentic and transparent. I believe doing that as early as you possibly can. And I'm gonna tell you something. I did apologize and try to create remedy. I don't know where I stand at this very moment, but I did try. And it just might not work out and that's okay too. Because as I said before, if you're sincere and from the heart, coming by the way, there's a link to my book below. If you're sincere, well, I wasn't really sincere though, I was really in my fucking ego. And sure I could screw up a good thing. Here's the deal folks. If we sabotage something, chances are there is an underlying benefit to sabotaging something. I'm not saying it's what we want to do because I'm experiencing a little bit of melancholy. I'm experiencing a little bit of blueness right now. I'm experiencing a bit of sadness right now. I also recognize that this person came into my life to break me open in a couple of areas. And I am so grateful because the fact that it was so intense, so early, and it caused that vulnerability, it also allowed me because I look at my behavior instead of pointing the finger like so many other people do. They point, they point, they point, they point, they point, they point. I'm looking at the three fingers pointing it back at me and saying what was the gift here in my, for lack of a better word, insensitivity. It allowed me to look at a part of my personality that really needs a lot of healing. And I didn't realize this, and this is my mother's shit. There's a picture of my mom and dad. This is still, I got a lot of mom's shit that I'm still trying to heal in my life. And I'm sharing this with you all. I do recognize that I'm unique because I'm introspective and that human beings do stupid things. And yet, at the end of the day, I still operate from the premise be vulnerable, be authentic, be transparent. Because when you are really jiving with the right person, it's gonna work out. So anyway, I'm shared a bit of vulnerability there with you all. I shared a bit of my indiscretion, if you will, because I'm ridiculously embarrassed right now. Partially because folks, you know, when you meet someone you're attracted to and you're vibing really well, we have this fantasy that this is the one, right? We go into this, this is the one. And yet it takes a hundred hours of face to face time to truly get to the first layer of trust. It takes about a hundred hours of face to face time. It means going out to dinners. It means hanging out, it's watching Netflix and chill, spending time with family and friends, going to museums, doing social activities, hobbies. It takes time to develop that first layer of trust. And many of you haven't built the real layers of trust with guys because you're not spending enough time together on a regular basis. And this includes all of you folks that are in the fantasy realm of long distance. Listen, it is hard enough to get a relationship on the ground when you leave 15 miles away, let alone 1500 miles away. And let me just tell you this, intimacy is not built over the telephone. All you build over the telephone is a little bit of familiarity. True intimacy is built, true intimacy is built in through the doing because those are the things we remember. And I've shared this before and I'll share it again. Folks, I probably have accumulated a hundred thousand hours of telephone calls. I can honestly only remember one phone, really maybe a couple phone calls in my life. The one that stands out the most is the day I got the phone call from my ex-wife telling me my son passed away, literally at the moment it was happening. That phone call will never escape me. I've had hundreds of thousands of hours of coaching. I've had hundreds of hours of telephone calls with women over the years. I don't remember one of those phone calls or barely one of those phone calls. I remember just a few coaching calls. Although I wanna take that back. I remember the time my ex-girlfriend and I got in a big texting fight, but that wasn't a phone call, it was a texting fight. What I'm here to say is, we don't bond through the telephone. We bond through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest and fucking each other's brains out. That's how we bond. It is through the doing shit together. So folks, if you're spending more time on the telephone than doing things, then your relationship is most likely a very weak relationship. And don't expect too much from a weak relationship. Is this sinking in? Please tell me this is sinking in because I feel like I have to screen constantly because so many of you are suckling on this nipple of believing that telephone calls is genuine bonding with each other. Now, is there the exception to the rules? Yes, there's the exception to the rule, but I'm telling you this rule is about 99 out of 100 times. So trust me on this. Is this sinking in? Please let me know. Hit that like button if this is sinking in. All right, thank you for letting me ramble their ass. I really appreciate it. All right, let's keep swimming. Erica says, I love what you say, Jonathan, about wanting to co-create a life with someone. I want to have a true partnership with someone. Amen, Erica. Beats, Beata says, question. Me and my boyfriend broke up nine months ago. He's five years younger than me. We were together for almost six years. He still comes over to see me and says he loves me, but we're not compatible. Help. I think you already answered your question. You're not compatible. So now is it your help as you want him to stop coming over? Then block him in your life if that's what you want. By the way, Beata, just speak up. Just tell him how you feel, folks. If something doesn't feel right, speak up. A boundary simply means what's okay and what's not okay. This is a perfect example of not doing something. You don't need my advice. You just, and I'm not, listen, I apologize if this is coming across as accusatory. Just tell him how you feel and allow him to share how he feels. Folks, we have to open up in a vulnerable, authentic, transparent way because you're screwed if you don't. You're screwed if you don't. And I highly recommend reading two books. A, read the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, and also read the book. I love this book, or actually read this book. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements. Read that book, these two books, then share how you feel with the guy, Beata. All right, that's just my quick thoughts on that. Thank you so much for the question. All right, woo-hoo, we got lots. Oh, I got, we got scrolling a lot. CPN says, where can I find a guy like you? I'm one of a, I'm unique. I mean, there's nobody like me. Folks, I live and breathe this shit. There's very few men do this the way I do it. I am one of a kind, I'm new, unique, I get it. And I know a lot of you put me up on a pedestal. Let me just say this, I am riddled with flaws. I am not a perfect human being by any stretch of the means. I've got my ego to contend with. I've got my dark side to contend with. And thankfully, I also have a myself love that I really didn't get broke and open until I lost a child. Let me repeat that, my heart didn't get really broken open until I lost a child and then wrote a book about it. What the heck is self love anyway? Why I'm sharing this with you all is there are so many good men out there. The problem with the dating process, it's the book, the rules that has fucked it up for you all. This game playing narrative, as well as the egotistical way people date that's causing a lot of frustration. And sadly, especially in mid-life, here's one of the problems. I'm gonna be blunt here. Most people over 45 years old do a terrible job taking care of their physical health. Let me repeat that. Do a terrible job of taking care of their physical health. Men and women. So you've got a big pot of people out there that have really let themselves go and are very unattractive to the opposite sex. So what's happening, there's a lot of people that want connection with the opposite sex and yet they're not attracted to each other because people take a terrible job. They barely exercise and they eat crappy food that causes their body to look terrible. I have a client of mine who's a skincare, what's the word? She creates skincare products, beautiful skin. A big chunk of that, the reason that have good, not a reason, but a byproduct of good skin or bad skin is a byproduct of eating unhealthy foods. So I'm here to say one of the, I'd say 50% of the problem is that people aren't connecting because they're not attracted to one another because humans do a terrible job of physically taking care of themselves. This is the reality of it. This is sadly why a lot of women seek younger men and why men seek younger women. It's because younger people temporarily look better because they haven't riddled themselves with all the crap and they haven't, let me tell you something, exercise is critically important if you want to have the longevity to a life. And I'm not talking about going to the gym and working out for two hours a day. I'm talking about walking a little bit and a big percentage of people in their 50s, 60s, 40s, 50s and 60s don't take good care of themselves. And that's probably half of the reason why people aren't connecting because they're not attracted to one another. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just observing what I see. I'm gonna repeat that. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just observing what I see. Do you agree or disagree? Please let me know. All right. Oh, and then CME says the damn dating apps fucked it up as well. Well, you know what? Quite frankly, thank God for dating apps. Thank God for social media. Thank God for the internet because let me tell you something. I live in a complex with 600 units and I don't know, I know two people in my entire complex that are single and we're just not a fit for each other. There's a vast majority of people minutes away from you who you don't physically know. The problem isn't the dating apps, the problem is is we don't interact with single, eligible people on a daily basis. So what we're left with is the dating apps and yes, the dating apps are fucked up, but let me tell you something. I'm gonna tell you roughly 80% of all new relationships in the next five years is gonna happen because of these devices. So we can either accept it and do a great job of putting together our best profile out there and I gotta tell you something. Men and women put together shitty profiles of themselves. I mean, fucking, fucking shitty. And you wonder why it's, then again, they're putting shitty profiles that take terrible care of themselves. That's why 99% of people aren't successful with online dating because of the, well, that's 99 isn't an accurate. A huge percentage because of those two reasons, crappy profiles and they take crappy care of themselves. That's just my perception, take it for what it's worth. Wow, I am on a rant. Mary Ann says, dancing is the key to longevity. Amen, I agree with that. God, I haven't gone dancing in such a long time. Declan's world's his question. I had a first date with a man that was overly confident in cocky, which was a turnoff. At the end of the date, I went to shake his hand and he got offended. Was I wrong to not hug him? By the way, for the record Declan, I can be ridiculously confident in cocky as well. So I can relate to this guy. Anyone who got offended, oh, that you shook his hand instead of hugged him. I think it's not being offended. He was probably embarrassed. Most likely he was embarrassed because shaking hands feels like a rejection. So, you know, and if he was offended, so what? Should you have hugged him? You know what? I wish more people were just honest with each other. I just wish people were more authentic, vulnerable and transparent right from the get go. And I don't mean to, you know, listen, vulnerability, authenticity and transparency doesn't define weakness whatsoever. But I certainly don't believe you should vomit all your feelings as well. I'm just saying, be authentic to what you want and express those things. You know, it's taken me a long time to become an expressive human being and the more practice you do and the more practice you do and the more practice you do, the better you can get at it. So I suggest practice your vulnerability, authenticity and transparency and the right guy or woman will appreciate it. And that's just my belief. So thank you so much, Declan. All right. Let's see. Let's see. Bum, bum, bum. Sadie says, question. Jonathan, could you please explain the difference between dating someone, exploring a relationship and being in a relationship? Ooh. All right. Dating is the period of the vetting period to decide if you wanna be in a relationship with someone. So two people meet for the first time you meet is a meeting. The actual second time you see each other, that's a date. Now, depending on what happens on their date, if there's a great connection, whether it's the second, third or fourth date, you might wanna say the words which would be open to exploring a relationship. Now, what that means is, at least in my world, is I'm not gonna allow myself to get distracted by the dating apps. I'm gonna maybe shut down my dating apps so I don't get the distraction of dating apps. And I'd like to invest solely with you. And you express that to a person and they express how they feel about that. Now you're exploring a relationship. And when you say you're exploring a relationship, you might take a little time to decide if it makes sense to then call each other, boyfriend and girlfriend. Good take. And by the time you have sex together and you decide you're gonna have sex a second time, that to me is the time to have at least established whether or not you're in a monogamous and exclusive relationship with someone. Let me repeat that, monogamous and exclusive. And then you're in a relationship. And then ultimately, the relationship is a vetting process to decide if you wanna be a partner with someone. So, as you're going through the process, the more intentional you are right from the get-go, communicating on a regular basis. And folks, I know it's frustrating because men don't do this. This is why you are in charge of your destiny. You are in charge of your destiny. Stop leaving it up to the man. Communicate, because the right guy, he's gonna be a thumbs up. And the wrong guy, he's gonna be a thumbs down. The right guy's a thumbs up. The wrong guy's a thumbs down. And you can actually find it very quickly by expressing your standards and your boundaries and your standards. Like my standard is this. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend two or three or four days and nights together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that eventually leads to either living together or maybe getting married. That's my standard. My boundary is whether or not you fit into my standard. So I invite you to decide what your standard is because that's gonna help you a lot in determining if this person is right for you. All right, folks, this is where we're gonna wrap up today. I'm gonna repeat those five reasons he's not emotionally investing in you if you missed it in the beginning. Number one, he wants to connect. He has a fear of intimacy due to childhood wounds and traumas. Number two, he has chaos going on his life, divorce, job, health, children, that sort of thing. Number three, he feels unsafe with you because you have a block going on and he doesn't want to invest in you. Number four, he has unresolved past relationships or worse, he pines for a past relationship. And number five, the two of you are just a mismatch but he's nested into a situation ship. So he's too lazy to get out of it but he's not gonna invest in it emotionally because the two of you are a mismatch. So those are the five most common reasons why he's not investing in you emotionally. Did you get value today? Please let me know. Purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat before we wrap up to say thank you to me that I would really appreciate. It goes to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. Also, if you find value in my content please refer my channel to your friends. Please check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out my book. All the books I recommend are listed below and Jonathan recommends books. I hope you find value in following my channel. I'm gonna do my best to continue with this awareness that the fantasy that many of you have been indoctrinated isn't the reality. And let's start being real instead of focusing on what isn't gonna happen. Let's focus on what's possible in the healthiest possible way. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Hit that amen button as well. All right, can I get, we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off, giving myself a big gigantic shot and bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a Pat or a teddy bear and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye everyone. Bye, Jennifer. Bye, kitty cat. Bye, Leif. Bye, Erica. Bye, Jennifer. Todd. Everyone, bye now. Take care.