 Let's face it if you're over 40 years old like most of my audience We have amassed a lot of life experience and within some of that life Experiencer might be things that we may not want to share with another person And I thought I'd lean into this conversation because one of my contemporaries Matt Boggs Had did a video on this and the five things he shared. I thought was worth exploring at a deeper level Quite frankly, I thought his content was great I just want to acknowledge that and I'll put a link below to access that video. Okay, so with that said what is a secret? Well, secret is something you most likely don't want to share with another person for a variety of different reasons And when it comes to relationship secrets, I think these five things are Something rather important to consider when you are either beginning a new relationship or you're in a budding relationship now part of the reason why we want to explore this conversation is because There's a big difference between Emotionally mature men and what I call emotionally constipated men. That's right emotionally constipated men These are men that most likely Have a challenge being expressive with their emotions They have a challenge with acknowledging their emotions and in many cases These men are also living a life from ego and what that means is they're living a life more self-centric Now self-centric means that they're only care about their own needs and this happens to be the majority of people in the dating Marketplace I would roughly say about 80% of both men and women alike operate from this space of either Using other people. That's the love bombers the players the gold diggers the entitled people and Then there's the dysfunctional people. They want companionship. They want Connection they want sex, but they're not capable of actually leaning into a deeper level of commitment Why is it important to differentiate this because the reality is is there's a good chance that you might be dating one of these people who is incapable of leaning into a deeper relationship and so Sharing these secrets will only aggravate the relationship with those people versus those men who are growers and builders growers and builders are the men who Genuinely want a life partner. They want someone to go on this Their last journey if you will because if you reach midlife You're you're probably in the third or maybe fourth chapter your life And I look at chapters as being five chapters of our life our first 20 years where we are basically coveted and supported by our parents in the next 20 years where we're in many cases launched out onto our own and then the next 20 years from that age 40 to 60 is Really in many in for most people. Maybe they've had family. Maybe they're building their business. Maybe they're You know growing in their professional capacity and then in our fourth and fifth chapters where illness starts to come in and And I don't mean to laugh But our bodies start to deteriorate begin to deteriorate and we start seeing that the Days in front of us are shorter than the days behind us. Okay. Why is this so critically important? important because not wasting your time and not sabotaging a relationship is critically important and in many cases when women do share these things they might be unconsciously sabotaging the relationship instead of looking to grow the relationship So I want to pull out my notes from what and this is directly from again map box I want to credit him for this video. I thought he did an excellent job and I want to acknowledge that But the first deep secret you may not want to share with a man is sexual details about their past partner Okay, men are territorial. Okay We'd like to think where your best lover on the planet We'd like to think that you've never had sex with another human being and so if you and it's a listen We're all grown-ups and we know that you have been intimate with other people Okay, so we're not that clueless at the same time hearing particular details Certainly with an emotionally immature man an emotionally constipated man might not be a good idea Now for some people that might be a turn-on for some people they for some men that might be a turn-on for some men They might have a general genuine genuine curiosity And they might come at it from a place of how can I do better to please you now There are some men that might adopt that but for the most part I would say that sharing particular details Unless it's a and the problem is if he directly asks you for details I may not want to share it either. Look it I'm a big proponent of being vulnerable being authentic and being transparent I'm gonna share that a few more times in this video vulnerable is Is sharing something that might have you know might be a little scary for you? Authentic is being true In other words in that space of if someone asks you a question It's good to be authentic to good be truthful, but only if it's material to the relationship. Should it be? Transparent if it's material to the relationship then transparency is rather important And I don't think sharing about past sexual experiences is Necessary it don't mean well in very few instances could it directly affect the relationship Okay, number two things you hate about yourself Again when we are coming at our if we're looking inward from a negative place and then we share that negativity It reinforces that negativity about ourselves and I can understand why that isn't a healthy thing to do At the same time with when you're with an emotionally mature man And you're being that vulnerable you're being authentic and maybe those things you hate about yourself needs to be unpacked and discussed Then I would say in that particular case only when you're with an emotional grown-up man and The challenges many of you are out there in the dating realm and you have a broken picker In fact, that's what I my job is to help you improve your picker by the way There's a link right here to schedule a discovery call with me in the description below is a link to Schedule a call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you Because if you have a prop, you know, they all saying The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results Well, I'm here to say that When you're choosing the wrong person over and over again, it might behoove you to get some Genuine feedback from someone to look at your blind spots and one of the benefits I have of being a male coach is I view you from that Female perspective and I'm not going to sell you on this died idea Feminine energy because it's not about feminine energy. That's going to attract a man. It's about being truly your authentic self Because your authentic self is the person that you carry through throughout the relationship instead of like Chris Rock says in the beginning Many people are the ambassador of them best selves While I'm all in favor of being in your empowerment. I'm a huge proponent of being in your empowerment There's a lot more to the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship In fact, this is one of the reasons why I continually recommend book after book after book By the way, again, there's a link below to all the books I recommend if you don't understand the mechanics of of a relationship if you don't understand the mechanics of true emotional intimacy Then it's going to be difficult to forge that deep bond of trust and Ultimately, what is a secret about secret is about maybe there are parts of you that should be shared in the relationship But many of you haven't built that deep bond of trust and trust isn't just about fidelity trust is does this person have my best Interest at heart. Can I count on this person? Does this person care about my feelings as much as they care about their own feelings or at least as much as I care about my feelings and So in some cases again, you know, you may want to share personal intimate things about yourself. We call them secrets At the same time, I would only do that with someone who's capable of receiving these things including things that you might hate about yourself number three Insecurities about the relationship You know, I'm not so certain that this isn't actually something you should discuss and let me tell you why The last couple weeks I've had some clients reach out to me with men who have been What I call Luke warm in the early stage of dating and had one client And I by the way, I've shared this I'm gonna give you the example what I shared with a client But they were having exchange there was a text message mistake exchange. He did the whole how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. That's from a Seinfeld episode and she responded back I had a good day. I had a business meeting And then she went on to say, you know, I can't remember the person's name will call him Tim Tim, I just want you to know I like you But and my and not but you don't want to put a but to negate what you said. So she said and I Like you and I my gut is telling me you feel Luke warm about me is my gut, right? Okay, I've shared this with many clients recently Which I think is an important and by the way I'm only sharing the specifics because many of you are experiencing men who might be acting luke warm and The way he responded back Blew my mind away in a good way. Okay, I just want to say in a good way What she did is she opened the door to a conversation by expressing she was feeling insecure And it turns out he was feeling insecure about her And she was feeling insecure about him So I'm not so certain that insecurity shouldn't be shared at the same time to to to actually create a deeper conversation between two people Look at if you're coming if listen, I want to differentiate between growth Conversations and sabotaging conversations. That's right growth So what she was doing what I call is a growth conversation was an opportunity to have a dialogue to grow the relationship It wasn't coming from a place of of insecurity per se It was coming from a vulnerable authentic and transparent place if you're coming at it from place of pure Insecurity and you're challenging the person to make you feel better Well, then that's gonna backfire on you and I wouldn't suggest that at the same time Being sharing Insecurities about a relationship might might my sweet. There's a picture of my sweetheart nine We're on a cruise ship. I love her in that red dress We've occasionally shared some of the things we are feeling insecure about our relationship as an opportunity to grow our relationship In my spiritual community, we call these withholds actually I'm going to talk about withhold a little bit more With the next one, but it's it's saying there's something I've been holding in and I want to share it with you and the fourth one is judgments about the person judgment thoughts Now I want to talk about judgment thoughts because there's a difference between a judgment and a judgment thought If you're not familiar with the book the untethered soul by Michael singer Here's a here's the cover of the book Definitely check this out. This will help you learn to talk to the voices in your head And we all have thoughts of judgment There's a difference between judging a person meaning you most likely come at it from I mean You could judge a person from a positive perspective, but coming at it from a negative perspective versus the thought of judgment. I Had one client share with me that she had just met a man who and they really hit it off In fact, they end up being in a relationship with one another at the time he was casually dating another woman and They had gotten intimate together and she challenged him because he expressed strong interest for her But said are you being authentic with this other woman? and she judged him as being somewhat Dissingenuous as she expressed that judgment as a it was an opportunity to create a dialogue those growth conversations Versus those sabotaging conversations now since he was an emotional grown-up since she he wasn't Emotionally constipated he was able to take that in and really reflect on his own behavior And she came at it from a sincere place what I talk about in my book by the way Here's a cut of my book what the heck is self-love any way a journey of personal development self-help is spiritual work chapter 1 is Speak your truth Just do it with kindness in chapter 9 if it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person So by expressing that judgment thought It created an opportunity for deeper dialogue and he looked and he looked within and said, you know, you're right I'm being Dissingenuous with this person and this is a tricky thing Because women oftentimes look at some of I just want to go off on a rabbit hole or a tangent here Ladies some men are crystal clear with you They do not want a relationship with you and they are completely happy having sex with you Okay, and many of you buy into that believing you can change his mind when a man is clear He doesn't want a relationship with you for whatever reason he said But he's happy to engage in sex with you and I know this because I've done this before in my life Okay, and I've had women probably believe that they can change my mind. Well, that's on them Okay, so just remember if you're going if you want a true life partner If you want someone as the movie life is better with company as in the movie up in the air and George Clooney says Then it behooves you to do a better job of picking especially in the areas of emotional maturity And that's one of the things we focus on in my private coaching is how to determine Is he an emotional grown-up versus those men who are emotionally constipated and the fifth one? our shame stories now This one's near and dear to my heart from a personal reason because many of you know, I lost a child There's a picture of Connor right there with his brother on his brother's graduation My son Connor who passed away five years ago. I carry some deep shame around that I carry some shame over my behavior in my marriage. I carry some shame and over my complete Breakdown Emotionally after my divorce where I was a train wreck for a long period of time and By sharing these shame stories with my partner. I take the risk of being perceived as weak That's the problem with when you share a shame story at the same time It's an opportunity to build deeper trust to be build deeper emotional intimacy with someone because here's the thing Now some people have shame stories centered around having an STD Some I know some women have shame stories over having an abortion at some point in their life So there are absolutely store I shared my personal ones about how I felt like I wasn't a good parent when my son passed away and the early stage of our relationship again Sometimes sharing your shame story with a partner who you really can build deep trust and love Actually releases the shame So I'm not so sure, you know, these are ones where you have to be really delicate and again I'm all in favor of being vulnerable being authentic and being transparent Just do it in a kind way make sure you're not doing it from a place of Fear where you need validation from the other person at the same time It's it's about really when you are if you are going to share a shame story It's about timing. Okay, and again timing is really about building trust at the same time You have to be aware is this person going to be able to receive what I share in a way That isn't going to sabotage the relationship. These are tricky things. So I mean, I hope these five shame stories secrets Might give you some insight into what I think is the real crux of this conversation Are you having growth conversations with a man or you having? Sabotaging conversations with a man and sabotaging usually comes from our deep fear of not being good enough Not being lovable not being likable. This is why again, I recommend reading my book What the heck is self-love anyway read all the empowerment books? I I recommend in the link below because it is through our individual empowerment Can we actually be able to to really thrive in a relationship and Build that long-lasting life partner commitment with one another. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new again all the links below If you want to schedule a discovery call with me if you Want to join my group if you can't afford coaching you want to get the books I recommend or follow me on on social media as well All right I think this will be a great place to start our Q&A For those of you who know my format if you have a question write the word question then post the question there after Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat There's a little dollar sign in the chat box all of the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship Fund in the name of my son Connor Asley who I just pointed out earlier My son who passed away in his honor. I donate to causes like the Hoffman process and insight Institute In fact, one of you just did Was so kind to send me a letter because you did the in Hoffman process by the way Here's the book the Hoffman process. I Highly recommend Checking it out and I donate to insight seminars just to name a few Alright, let's see what kind of questions we have today Again write the word question so it's easy for me to find Shelley writes How do you feel about instant attraction versus gradual attraction for women? I have heard men have to be attracted right away, but with women It's different attraction can grow as we get to know someone You know, I think this is a great conversation to unpack so You know, it's interesting I'm gonna use the analogy of swipe dating for a moment These are you know our dating apps like bumble and hinge and tinder Roughly about Men swipe right which means they're interested about 60% of the time and women swipe right about 5% of the time Now there is this belief that women are pickier than men But men Interestingly enough they're swiping right because their standard for sex is much lower than their standard for a relationship I guarantee of those 60 women if they went out with Their standard of who they'd actually want to explore a relationship might be less than the 5% that women do Okay, so why am I bringing this up? men Sexually can be attracted to a range of women But who are men actually attracted to to want to partner with? Well, it boils down to this the person that they feel the best being around and Ultimately, it's the same for you. I think ladies I've been here. I've interviewed thousands of women who are in happy relationships and Roughly a third of them said to me and I quote I wasn't attracted to my guy on the first second or third date But something changed well It's because they were experiencing an emotional connection and women can actually grow an emotional connection with a man Who makes when and because of that you can feel more attracted to the person You know and and I think the true is men as well We become we when we feel good with someone they don't have to be You know a superstar model 10 for us to want to explore a relationship with them I just remember men's standards are much lower to whom they have sex with But their standards are much higher of who they want to form a relationship with and your standards should just be the same You have to be careful of those standards not being the superficial standards For example, I know I'm doing women who are five foot two say I've refused to date a man under six foot two And I get it. She's five foot two. He's a foot taller. I get it because you want to feel protected, right? Yeah, well, you know Bruce Lee who was a badass martial artist Was five foot six. I'm pretty sure she could he could have protected her By the way, the average Navy seal is five foot nine and a half. These are the baddest hombres on the planet They're not the tallest people on the planet who can protect you. So that's a that's a egoic way of looking at things Men who are financially successful are perceived to be the most high-quality men Men who are financially successful can also be the biggest jackasses in the world They can be emotionally constipated and they can also have terrible relationship skills So we oftentimes see superficial things as the real quality instead of actually Determining does this person's actions match their words? Do they have victor consciousness? Do they know how to listen and fight fair? Do they have a level of empathy and there are they a transparent person? That's a greater sign of quality in my opinion that character that kindness that generosity Versus what how they look and what they do for a living. All right, I went off on a tangent Shelly. So thank you so much All right, let's keep swimming here. Do we have any questions? You have a question write the word question then post the question thereafter Rachel says most men's want instant gratification No one wants to take time to get to know each other. Well, that is fairly true And a lot of men do want instant gratification. I want instant gratification at the same time I know it's important to be authentic and transparent with a person So not all men feel that way, but yes, we instant gratification is our little kid coming out Every little kid wants Christmas days before Christmas happens girls and boys like men and women alike It's just human nature. Thank you for bringing that up Sharon says question when a man tells you he doesn't like titles because it messes things up Is that because he just doesn't want he he just wants the assets without commitment. I Think I don't like titles is the biggest crock of shit on the planet. I really do that is an avoidance mechanism to establish Some trust with another person I think that's an avoidance mechanism to commit to another person when a person says they don't like titles Guess what? I don't like giving my vagina out to a man who doesn't call me his girlfriend and post a picture of Us on his social media That's it. That's that's something I don't like So I don't give out my vagina until you've actually demonstrated that you want to pursue something more Substantial so I get it. You don't like titles. It's okay You don't you don't have to post a title and I don't have to have sex with you until you do. All right. I'm being a little Little bit rhetorical here, but not the same time. I'm being absolutely honest here So thank you so much for that question Tanya writes question What is the best way to handle revealing a shame story when it would be the best time to discuss? You know, this is a really good question. So let's take an STD for example I don't think a first date is a good time to discuss it But I don't think it's a good time to bring it up ten seconds before you have sex or after you have sex with someone So when is the right time? I believe the right time is when two people agree They want to explore a relationship together So dating is a vetting process to decide if you want to be in relationship with someone And so during the dating process you're spending time getting to know one another by the way I like what Jay Shetty says it takes about 40 hours at face-to-face time doing things together Just to get just to start to begin to get to know someone I say it takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust and there are multiple layers of trust And Jay goes on to say it takes about 200 hours to build a friendship with someone So when is the time to say it? I would say not on a first date Um, because what if you never see this person again? Not on a second date You know unless I mean well, I mean unless they weren't a stranger beforehand So you you've spent time connecting with them and I don't mean cyber connection It's still if it's someone that you knew in your life, you know prior to uh going out on a date But build that build that trust between the two of you So again, you can feel safe to share something that could affect the relationship like an std Maybe uh an abort, you know, I'm trying to think the things that most dramatically would affect maybe a physical Condition that again if it's material to the relationship in other words, it could affect the relationship It's critically important that you're transparent about it if it could affect the relationship Excuse my slurping All right. Thanks for that question um Happy and says question I asked him to reach out at least once a day and buy text twice and he doesn't He's a good guy otherwise. How do I get him to see that communication is important to him great question happy end? So, um Here's my thing is Why is it that he has to reach out by text? Why don't you reach out by text? By the way, now why am I suggesting this? If he doesn't have a propensity to respond to your communication Then he's not really a good guy So putting it all ladies many of you are told to put it all on the man I'm saying you got to take some responsibility as well If this is something you'd like then you can send him By the way in the beginning of our relationship my my sweet art used to send me a good morning handsome text with a little kiss emoji She initiated the text messages. I would reply when I woke up because we had a two-hour time difference And I would reply now if I didn't reply to your messages Um, and it's how they reply that manner matters as well Folks you many of you are becoming so effing dependent on these devices Instead of actually having conversations when she sent me a good morning text We usually uh got on the telephone and talked for a bit If you have some distance between the two of you Texting is just a cute way to make connection But at the same time if you're not having deeper conversations instead of how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day Having those conversations are rather surface. I prefer what I like in uh, this mean Now by the way, I want to share this meme with you all Uh, it's called I hate small talk See if you can see it. I hate small talk. I want to talk about adam's death aliens Sex magic intellect the meaning of life far away galaxies music that makes you feel different memories the lies you've told Your flaws your favorite sense your childhood. What keeps you up at night your insecurity and fears I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't want to know what's up shaggy Folks if you this really plays into our conversation today about secret If you want to build deeper intimacy with someone then it requires being vulnerable authentic and transparent instead of dependent We are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I could feel good about myself I need you to love me so I could feel good about myself Of course, I suffer from that too. So I'm in the same boat with you. I get it Real connection comes through deeper intimate conversations. Is this sinking in I hope so all right Thank you for that question. I really appreciate it Um again, if you have a question write the word question Okay, if a guy says he doesn't like titles because it's messed things up get curious. Ask him What he means by that messes things up. What does that mean? Would you prefer instead? Okay, Denise brings up a good point to hear that previous question. Yeah, you could listen I'm I just don't like when guys do that. I just think it's bullshit But at the same time you can be curious and dig a little bit deeper. That's a great suggestion by Denise I'm a little bit ashamed. I didn't think of it myself in the moment I will tell you sometimes when you're doing these live streams You've got so much going on the lighting the microphone the this the that the camera I'm always, you know trying to manage 10 things and I'm not as fully present as I'd like to be especially when you're doing Downloads of streams of consciousness, but the same and I'm sharing a vulnerability with everyone because reading Denise's message. I Was like in my in my head in that moment. I said, oh damn it you idiot. You're so stupid. Why didn't you suggest that? We all have insecurities and fears By releasing it by sharing it sometimes we actually release our insecurity and fears now I believe my audience is an emotional grown-up audience I know some of you emotionally constipated people will criticize me and judge me But I know that you're projecting, but sometimes it hurts still I get a lot of judgment It's funny I'm trying to illustrate the importance of of it's okay To be I don't want to say flawed to be human So coming back to Denise's point Very well stated Okay, what does it mess up? It messes up most likely your need to keep distance from the Future relationship and it puts you on the spot to actually have to own up do you want commitment or not? Okay, and by the way if he has a pattern of this that's a great sign as well that this guy is probably a few by the way we should be asking about past relationships because Past relationships gives us insight into how they operate in future relationships as well. So Denise. Thanks for bringing that up I really appreciate it Ah Let's keep swimming Maui. Wow. I'm gonna everybody read this. I got to do something with the lighting Okay, I'm gonna keep talking I Just don't like how the lighting was making my face shine still shining so it's not helping any okay question I've noticed when conversations start to get emotional men tend to joke their way out of it How can a woman create a safe space enough to uncover her man's emotional side? Great question. I Know I use humor sometimes to deflect my insecurities my fears my My shame and such so it's very common for men and women alike to To Redirect the conversation sometimes using humor. I think that's going to happen habitually in relationships. I do believe that I Want to recommend two books. Oh Where's my other book? I pulled that out. Okay, these two books Nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg Okay, and I hear you by Michael. I hear you by Michael Sorenson these are great books to learn the skills to Create what's called? Validating conversations versus invalidating conversations. The reason why the book is called nonviolent communication Is humans have a propensity to? Emote from a negative perspective from an insecure place instead of from a validating Secure place so you might want to learn the language To help you come from a place of how to build deeper trust now I love the work of Barbara de Angelis She has a book called how to make love all the time Okay, what I like about this book and by the way remember when I said earlier The mechanics to a healthy happy relationship the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship is is Communicating in a way where you build trust with one another most of you guys are in surface relationships You're just going about your day instead of building real intimacy with another person Most of you don't understand emotional intimacy and I would read Robert Masters book emotional intimacy So when this what do we but Jonathan all you're doing is recommending books And you know that you're not giving us the advice because there's a wealth of information in these books you know It look at you could read 12 great books inside of one year that will change your life Okay, but we humans here especially in the United States have this instant Ratification as that previous person shared we have this need for wanting things just to snap our fingers and it'll actually Magically work out instead of investing in yourself You know from the time I met Marie to my previous relationship was a five years of growth I and I only share this I did the Hoffman process. I did insight Institute I lost my son I wrote a book all these things was to grow for myself to be prepared and believe me I'm no picnic in this relationship. I'm not perfect. Believe me folks. I'm not here to suggest. I'm the role model But I just want to role model the the wake-up call to shift That's what I'm here to encourage everyone to do to inspire to make the individual changes So you can actually be prepared to be in a healthier happy relationship. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know say amen Jonathan. Thank you Hope I answered your question Let's keep swimming here Becker right no wait M.A. writes question He texts and responds also sends his pics, but he's very reluctant to do phone calls What do I make him do you dial him on the phone? Look at just stop text. You know listen if you can't have a telephone conversation with me Hey, you don't get my vagina the next time you see me. Okay. I'm sorry. We got I'm sorry to be so I'm not really sorry But I apologize if this feels offensive, but ladies Listen, I don't feel comfortable in texting and you don't feel comfortable in telephone calls. That means we're misaligned Okay, and if we're misaligned, why are we doing this because texting is the weakest form of communication It's the laziest form of communication Texting was really designed to say I'm running five minutes later. What's your address or texting, you know Google Maps or something That's what texting should be used for most these days People are lazy and they use texting as their way of communicating with one another That's not going to build a healthy happy relationship Being on the phone having you know my girlfriend I did FaceTime as we were building deep trust with one another you can't it's going to be difficult to build trust The attacks messaging if he doesn't want a phone call then just disengage from the relationship I'm sorry. Just say this is a deal breaker for me. You listen folks It's time to become a badass. Do you know what if you haven't read the book why listen? I'm not in favor of everything in this book, but why men love bitches bitch stands for babe in total control of herself Yes, a woman who loves herself Will say look if you can't do this, then I won't give you any of my time. You got to be a badass listen Most of you just sit back in your feminine energy and let the man leave listen. You're giving the job to the wrong person If you let men lead they will do it many men will do it in a very lazy way But then do you really want those men anyway? That's another question. I invite you to explore. So Becca. Thank you so much for that one Johica says recommend hold me tight by John Gottman is a great book about connecting with your partner Actually, the book hold me tight was written by Sue Johnson not got not John Gottman hold me tight is a understanding attachment style why we attach to people Who are not necessarily our partner who are not capable of a deeper relationship with someone? So I recommend reading this book. It says developing the developer of emotional Focused couples therapy the most successful approach to building lasting relationships a much needed message to all couples therapists I recommend it and that was and did John Gottman. I did believe endorse this book Yes, John Gottman did endorse this book at last a roadmap through emotional focused couples therapy with its creator Sue Johnson science humor clinical wisdom are finally accessible to all of us. So Great book. Thanks. Again, Johica. It was Sue Johnson who wrote the book hold me tight Courtney Cobb writes question I have a piano performance later. Can you hype me up? Okay, I'm not gonna go. I mean if I find a good question that creates a rant I will so thank you Sharon says Jonathan you give the best coaching advice, you know, I Appreciate that and I think part of it is folks. I've studied human behavior I've I've done over 3,000 hours of personal development workshops trainings therapy that sort of thing So with over 20,000 hours of coaching, I think the reason why my clients experience Success is because I'm not approaching it from the fantasy way. Many of my contemporaries are selling you want I Mentioned in the beginning this broadcast map box who I have a great deal of respect with Respect for and I definitely would endorse his work But there are many dating coaches out there, especially the feminine energy coaches that are selling you. I'm sorry I'm not in agreement with just understanding some One facet of empowerment you have to recognize that most men are dysfunctional your job is to do a better It's not about being in your feminine energy It's about at least in my opinion about doing a better job picking because you have a greater chance of picking a An emotionally constipated man than an emotional grown-up man That's why I'm here to talk more about human behavior real human behavior centered around emotional You know, we have a mental and emotional health crisis here in the United States and maybe around the world We also have a crisis of Loneliness here around the world. This is why my differentiating between a Singular point of view versus a compassionate point of view men are just as messed up as women are Okay, we are human beings are rather dysfunctional. Oh Here's my hype up horny cop So I know I criticize but I'm criticizing because I want you to look at it from the vantage point as Most men are good guys. They're not intentionally trying to hurt you and And holding out for Prince Charming ain't ain't the job isn't going to work either You've got to build and grow with someone and it starts by by leading by example That's what I want you to do, you know feminine energy doesn't lead by example It's an expectation based way of looking at it versus leading by vulnerability authenticity and transparency and seeing if he meets you On the playing field if you meet each other at the 50 yard line great instead of him going over to the You know the 90 yard line and bringing you to the 50 yard line. Is that sinking in please? Let me know All right Shelly writes question How many dates out before you have a date come into your home? Sometimes this can have a guy come on too strong if he comes in after a date set boundaries Before inviting him in again this I think this is really about how much trust do you feel with this person? Do you can you trust this person from a physical safety perspective because when we're meeting total strangers? Look at listen. We're meet in many cases meeting total strangers If you're not familiar with the work of Malcolm Gladwell, he wrote the book Blank and he did Tuesdays with Maury Talking to strangers now. This isn't a dating or relationship book So do me a favor just go to YouTube and watch a short video on this book talking to strangers But we we have to recognize that we sometimes give trust to a total stranger Who hasn't earned our trust? So the real question is do you feel safe with this person? Not just from a physical perspective more importantly from an emotional perspective and that's what I that's the answer To question when you feel emotionally as well as physically safe All right Sharon says amen Julie says thank you I appreciate that All right, there's another question Sometimes I tell men I don't need them for money or to pay my bills. I need them I need for wait. I I need them for me. I need support this makes some men mad How do I feel how do I tell them this without being a problem? Well, I don't know why you're just blanketly bringing that up I guess the question is what why are you just blanketing bring that up? Okay You can say look I'm grateful to be in a position in my life where I can financially take care of myself Which means I can show up as a partner in this relationship Maybe equally financially in this relationship as a partner. I'm not knowing where you're financially at Um, I mean you here's the thing I think what's most important is men and midlife are looking for women who can take care of themselves Unless the man is rich then he doesn't care but by the way 80 percent of the u.s population makes less than 100 thousand dollars a year And it takes almost 200 thousand dollars a year to survive in the united states. I'm being tongue-in-cheek here So I don't think you need to bring this up, but if you might want to say I can take care of myself Um, but what's the context? Why are you bringing this up unless he's asking? But I wouldn't come at it from a place of of arrogance I can take care of myself or or what's you know, uh or Coming from an egoic place to be Confrontational with another person. I think a lot of times, you know I'm not saying all feminists here But there are feminists that do things to confront men because there's there's already an issue between men and women Over the over the eons of the inequality that's happened So sometimes by establishing this you're trying to create a sense of equality But it's a confrontational way of doing it instead of a conversational way of doing it and quintessential dreams That's just my rough thoughts on that one. So thank you so much Um Let's see corny cob says what do what don't you like about men love bitches? I think there's some aspects of it that acts still very Entitled in some aspects of the book, but I like the empowerment section of this book There are some there and maybe I should do a video solely on this Um, I I I've read it. It's been a while since I've read it. So I don't remember exactly what turned me off Um, because some of it does have entitled energy, but if most importantly, it's about stepping into your power Not giving your power away to a man which women oftentimes do in relationships So that's the part of the book. I do like so. Thank you so much for that Uh Okay, carolin says I am feminine kind a great listener great men open up about their fears and dreams to me They're attracted to me. Don't want to date anyone or me personal issues and want to be my friend. Why? Okay, what you're describing carolin isn't feminine Okay, it's it's because a man if a man Masculine can be kind and a great listener feminine can be crying This is why I get turned off by using the term feminine It's just you are kind and a great listener. See rather than See the label of that Creates separation. So then we're separating woman to man male to female masculine to feminine Okay, it's just simple if you're kind and a great listener That just means you're good person So coming back to you don't really have men open up to you. They open up to you because You exude an energy of safety by the way women open up to me all the time I can't begin to tell you how many times I met women who Right from a first date opened up so many fears and insecurities because I'm a kind and a great listener I don't consider that feminine. I have a penis. I don't you know, so it's not masculine or feminine It's just you're kind and generous and good listener All right, this would be our last question for the day question since emotional attraction grows How should a woman determine how many dates to agree to if she's not feeling it? Nice guy, but physical attraction is not there Okay after the meet and greet If you don't feel it If you're not feeling at least some level of emotional connection intellectual connection creative connection protective connection Something I talk about my private coaching Unless the guy's got a beer gut the size of texas and these missing front teeth you give them three chances Okay, if that if an emotional connection doesn't develop within three dates Then it's probably not going to develop Although that can always change when you build real trust with a person I know one man who spent six months trying to convince a woman to Uh be in relationship with them and finally either wore him down or she got to see his Character now I would have never told the man to do that because I don't think we men should try to force ourselves on another person And what I mean, I don't mean force, but I mean be desperate to convince someone to like us I don't like that energy either So, um, I'd say unless he's got a beer gut the size of texas and he's missing front teeth Um, give him a couple chances and see what happens And it's going to be hard today. We are so desperate for instant connection So i'm not surprised why it used to be in the past when you when you spent like a lot of people that used to Work together where they might not have physically be attracted to one another I was watching a show called the resident resident where one woman wasn't into the man One of the doctors but after spending a lot of time together because they were in proximity with one in our other So much he did fall in love with him So it's usually the issue is you're not spending enough proximity time to really build the deep roots of trust to actually Fall into a deeper connection with someone. So that's my two cents on that Becca. Great question All right, you know what I'm going to wrap up today. I want to spend some quality time with my sweetheart I hope you have a fantastic saturday After or morning and afternoon for those who are watching uh past noon Um Listen, if you found value in this, please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel check out the links below to a discovery call with me join my group If you can't afford coaching, uh, follow me on instagram check out all the books I recommend it's in the show notes. You have to the description or schedule a call right here All right, folks, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off Give myself a big gigantic shot the barrack of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love as well I'm asking you to turn to someone a pat and teddy bear or pillow give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank shannon and jessica and julie and becca and tele and denise and jojica and corny cob and priya and quintessential and love space and Jennifer and emmy and robin everyone. Thank you so much. Have a fab day. Bye now