 From Hollywood, the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Things are rather hectic in the Harris household this morning. The monster is sick. Some of you women may think you have trouble taking care of a sick husband, but girls, you ain't seen nothing till you've seen a sick Phil Harris. Oh, the pain, the agony. Is it nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of the South Brajes fortune, or perchance take arms against the sea of trouble than by opposing, end it all? Gadzooks. Nobody has ever suffered like this before. Nobody. Oh, for heaven's sake, I never saw such a fuss over an ingrown hair. It's not an ingrown hair. My whole body's on fire. But just what part of your body hurts, Phil? Is it your head, your shoulders, your chest, your back, your legs? Yes. Just pick a spot and that's it. All I know is I woke up this morning with, ooh, with stabbing pains in my back. Why don't you let me call the doctor? He wouldn't know what's wrong with me. Why not? I got a disease that hasn't been discovered yet. But you're not that sick. Don't tell me. I'll be as sick as I want. Oh, Alice, let's face it. I'm a doomed man. And even if I live, which I'm sure I won't, I'll only be a shell of my former self. And I don't want to be a burden to you, honey. Leave me. Go ahead, baby, leave me. Get out while you're still beautiful and fairly young. Go ahead, leave me. Air out. Don't be silly, Phil. Why should I leave you? Don't ask questions, sis. This is the best offer he's made you in nine years. I'll go upstairs and pack your bags. Thank you, Philip, for letting us off the hook. And we'll be happy. You're back here, Willie. I'm tired of this nonsense, Phil. I'm going to take your temperature right now. Hold still while I put this thermometer in your mouth. Now get that instrument a torture away from me. You ain't putting no thermometer in my mouth. Why not? It ain't sanitary. But, Phil, I sterilized it. I dipped it in alcohol. I don't care what you dipped it in. Alcohol? Well, don't stand there. Nurse, set him up. A little touch of old whip and post can't hurt nothing. Now lie still and I'll take your temperature. Here, just hold it under your tongue and keep still. But I don't want to put... Oh, honey, I don't want to go like this. You know, Willie, he says his back hurts. He was playing with the children yesterday. You know, I wouldn't be a bitch surprised if he threw his sacroiliac out of joint. Through my wilder doing? What kind of father's this? I heard that the ridiculous thing. Well, you keep quiet, Phil. You'll bite the thermometer in two. Willie, if Phil is really in this much pain, he won't be able to get up and do our radio show. That means he won't be on the air tomorrow. Oh, sis, you're just being optimistic. However, perhaps we should get somebody to replace Philip on the program. Replace me? Oh, oh, oh, oh. That's a joyous thing I have a world. You better get some food. Let's see, whom can we get to replace? There's nothing to laugh at, Phil. Alice, tell Donald Duck to shut up. Well, if we want to replace Phil, we'll have to get someone equally as clever. Yes. Let's see, whom can we get? Mortimer's snared as busy with Bergen. Cecil the C-6 C-serpent gets too much money. I wonder what thinks mules are doing this week. But what? What do you mean, thinks mules? Cecil the C-6 C-serpent. Here I am practically breathing my last and you two are standing there making fun of me. Now, we wouldn't make fun of you if we thought you were any really sick. I'll get it. I had to marry a hypochondriac. He makes a big magilla out of everything. He's the only man I know who insists on Easter when he gets his nails cut. Hello, Frankie. Hello, Alice. Where's Curly? He's in the bedroom dying. What again? What's he got this week? I don't know. He just likes to think he's sick. Do me a favor and go in and sympathize with him. That's the only thing, I'll cheer him up. Okay. If he likes to be sick, I'll help him along. Hiya, Curly. Hello, Frankie. Curly, this is wonderful. I've never seen you look worse in your life. I know. I'm a very sick man. Splendid! What's wrong now? Everything, Frankie, everything. This time I hit the jackpot. I'm really sick. Oh, I'm sorry, Curly. I didn't realize. Is there anything I can do to help you, pal? Can I get you a specialist? Do you want a private nurse? Do you need some of my blood? Ah, gee, Frankie. You're a true friend. You'd really give me some of your blood? Sure. And for you, Chum, I'll let you have it for only $10 a fifth. You... You'd charge me for it? Well, I have to. I can't afford to give this stuff away to loss. Besides, I'm the only one that has the same tight blood as you. What type? 90 proof. Of course, there's a lot of cheap stuff floating around, but that's not for a big man like you. Now, can I put you down for half a case? Look, Remly, I don't want to buy any of your blood. All right. I don't need your business. I already sold two quarts this morning. How can you give two quarts of your blood in one day? I water it. How low can you sink? Cuttin' the stuff. Frankie, all you ever think of is what's in it for you? I was on a kid in Curly. You know I'm not that way. I just came over to see if I can help you. Really? Is there anything I can do for you? There's nothing anybody can do for me anymore. I'm beyond help. But, Frankie, there is something that... Well, that you could do for Alice after I'm gone. You see, she'll need a man to look after her. Keep talking, you're starting to interest me. Well, Frankie, I want you to marry her. Me? Marry Alice? Yeah, she's a wonderful girl. She's got money, she's young, she's beautiful, and, well, all I want you to do is to love and cherish her. What do you say? How much does the job pay? You expect to get money for marrying a girl like Alice? What was good enough for you is good enough for me. Money had absolutely nothing to do with it. I was very lucky to get a girl... So, darling, honey, are you feeling any better? Alice, please, I won't have my future wife worrying about another man. What are you talking about? I'm not your wife. Yeah, I know, but you can acquire me for a small dowry. Shall we say 200,000 in cash? Frankie. Of course, with the new credit regulations, you'll have to pay me half down. Please stop. Look, Phil, I've been thinking, if you feel as bad as you say you feel, we'll have to get someone to replace you on the show tomorrow. And I got just the guy. Who? Me. I'm glad to take over. Hold it. I feel better. Get my pants. Get my hat. I'm on my way. Here I go. Oh, my back. There goes that stabbing pain again. Can't get up, eh, Curly? I'll get up. I'll go down to that show if I have to crawl down. You're not taking my place. But this is my big chance to show what I can do. My chance to show my talent. To prove that I'm something besides a lousy left-handed guitar player. Yeah, I'll give you a chance to prove you're a lousy left-handed comedian. Too sure. Look, Curly, why don't we leave this up to a doctor? If he says you're well enough to work tomorrow, okay. But if he says you're not, I'll take your place. That's fair enough. All right, all right, but I'm feeling much better. I'm sure the doctor will say I can make it. All right, we'll see. Come on, Frankie. All right. I'll go call my doctor and ask him if he'll... Your doctor, huh? Look, Alice, your doctor ain't gonna do me no good. I mean, ain't gonna do Curly no good. What he needs is a specialist, like my doctor. Well, I don't know. You wait here. I'll go get him. He's right around the corner. In the meantime, you stay here and keep Curly in bed. Sing to him and keep him sick. What kind of a crack is that? Sing to him and keep him sick. No, I mean, it makes him happy. It makes him happy to think he's sick, so sing to him and keep him happy. I still don't think I like it, but I'll sing now and figure it out later. I'm catching my collar. You're the lace in my shoe. You will always be my necessity. I'd be lost without you. Most men tell love tales. And each phrase does tales. You've heard each known way. This way is my own way. You're the sailor of my love boat. You're the captain and crew. You will always be my necessity. I'd be lost without you. We're not the poets. How well we know it. We've never been great ravers. But when we speak of you, we rave a bit. It's true. Our heads are turning and just learning your estimation of us. What sugar does for tea? You do to me. Cause you give life savor. Bring out each flavor. So this is clear, dear. You're my Worcestershire. You're the sailor of my love boat. You're the captain and crew. You will always be my necessity. I'd be lost without you. Now, look, doctor, before we go in and see Curly, all I want you to do is tell him to stay in bed. You understand, doctor? Yeah, I understand. But stop calling me doctor. I ain't no doctor. I repair pool tables. Well, for my purposes, that's close enough. Your toolkit looks like a doctor's black bag. And to Curly, anybody that carries a black bag is a doctor. Oh, here's the house. Let's go in. Why ought to do this? Doctor, remember, as a physician, you owe it to humanity to heal the sick and alleviate their suffering. Besides, if you don't, I'll tell your parole office where you are. Stupid pigeon. Suppose this guy Harris wants me to examine him. Nah, he won't. Just lay it on thick. Tell him he's sick and he has to stay in bed for six months. Now, be quiet. Here's Curly's room. Hi, Curly. I want you to meet Dr. Corbett. How do you do, doctor? After studying this case carefully, I come to conclusion you're going to have to stay in bed six months. That'll be ten dollars, please. So long, everybody. Wait a minute. Come back here. You can't tell anything by just looking at me. I demand an examination. Examination. Okay. Mr. Runley, I want you to help me. What do you want me to do, doctor? Well, in my tool case, you rack up the patient. What does he mean, rack me up? Well, that's a medical term. It's from the Latin rickety-rackety-rook. Now, go ahead, doctor, continue with the examination. Yeah, doctor, remember, I want a thorough one. All right. Frankie, open my bag and hand me my level. Remley, a level. What's that? Oh, I told the doctor you're flat on your back and he wants to make sure. Yeah. Now, hold still, Horace. Hey, this is worse than I thought. What's the matter with him, doctor? This guy sags toward the left-hand side pocket. Hey, you guys, will you wait a minute? What kind of an examination is this? Doctor, look at my tongue. Okay. I don't know what that's going to prove, but I'll look at it. All right. Yeah, doc. Ah! I seem better looking tongues in a window of a cheap delicatessen. Hey, what kind of a doctor have you brought me here, Remley? What's the matter with this? Now, he's a little nervous, Curly. You see, you're the first patient he's ever lost. What do you mean lost? Give me a fighting chance. Doctor examined me like you're supposed to. Now, take my temperature. All that I can do. Hold still, I'll put the somometer in your mouth. That's long enough. What do you know, 112? 12-0, I knew I was a goner. Doctor, tell me something. How much longer have I got? Now, calm down, Horace. With care, lots of rest, plenty of sunshine, and a good diet, I guarantee you'll be around for at least another 10 minutes. 10 minutes, Doctor, you must be mistaken. I don't feel that bad. Nah, he's exaggerating, Curly. Doc's a great kidder. Doc, tell him he'll be all right if he just stays in bed. Okay. Horace, if you just stay in bed for about six months, I guarantee you'll live to the ripe old age of 40. Now, you feel better? Yeah, except for one thing. I'm 43 now. How do you figure that out? Simple, you've been dead for three years. You thought he had me, Remlin. Now, wait a minute. I gotta be well by tomorrow so I can do my radio program. Can't you... Well, can't you give me some medicine, some pills or something? Pill. Yeah, I guess I got some in my kit. Yeah, there you are. Big round pill, swallow it. Hold it a minute. What kind of a pill is this? What's wrong with it? Well, it's black with a number eight on it. I guess the eight ball would be bad luck. Here, try one of these blue bullion cubes. That's cute, Chuck. Remlin, will you get Willy Hoppy out of here? All right, all right, I'll leave. So long, Harris. And don't worry, we all gotta go sometime. Frankie, what kind of a doctor is that given billiard balls for pills? So he's a little eccentric, but you gotta admit he diagnosed your case correctly. Oh, yeah, yeah. I got a very unusual disease, a sagging side pocket. With a hole in it. I understand it's fatal if you don't stay in bed for six months. I'm not staying at... Ooh. Those stabbing pains again. Look, I guess I'm gonna have to get somebody to take my place on the show tomorrow. But who? Curly, aren't you forgetting me? Yes. Now, let's see, there's Bob Hope or Red Skelton or Jackson or Dennis Day. How about Thibba McGee and Remli? No. I don't know. Heavenly days, he doesn't like it. All right, Frankie, look, go call Hope, Skelton or one of those guys and see if they'll do the show for me tomorrow. All right, if you'd rather settle for a stooge instead of a big name like me. All right, go ahead. Gee, I wish I could do the show tomorrow. I got such a wonderful song already. POSSIBILITIES POSSIBILITIES We're living a world that's full of possibilities Ain't no miracle too impossible For anyone who sees the possibilities If you recall your history, then you will find That all its famous men turned out to be The kind of men who never stopped to look behind They looked ahead to see what they could see And they saw possibilities Possibilities They never overlooked a chance for possibilities Proved naturally Opportunity is for the one who sees the possibilities Each time you try to solve a new phenomenon The skeptics say it's just a dream I know But after you're a hero and the job is done Then you can tell them all I told you so Yes, there are possibilities Possibilities If you will only make the most of your facilities Folks will idolize Even eulogize the little guy who sees the possibilities When Christopher Columbus proved the world was round He met Queen Isabelle on his return She said, now tell me, Chris, about this place you found He said, well, Belle, as far as I'm concerned You've got possibilities Possibilities I tell you, Queen, I've never seen such possibilities And I really feel we should make a deal Before somebody sees its possibilities When little Abe was growing up in Illinois To be a big success was his intent He studied so much harder than the other boys Till one day he became their president He saw the possibilities Possibilities He never overlooked a chance for possibilities Proven naturally Opportunity is for the one who sees the possibilities I guess by now there ain't no doubt About the point I'm bringing out So if you'll open up your eyes You are bound to recognize the possibilities Possibilities When living in a world is full of possibilities Ain't no miracle too impossible For anyone who sees the possibility Well, Curly, I got wonderful news I call Benny, Hope, Skelton, and Dennis Day And ask them if they'd fill in for you And they all said the same thing What? They won't touch your show with a fork Well, why not? They said they wouldn't be found dead on a sustaining show Looks bad for a star Looks bad for a star to appear on a show that hasn't got a sponsor I have got a sponsor He just won't let me mention his name, that's all Phil, we haven't called everybody yet I'll phone Groucho and Marks and see if he'll do it Yeah, I'm telling him it's very, very important, honey Don't worry, dear, just leave everything to me Gee, I hope Groucho isn't too busy to call Hi, Miss Fair, bring the groceries Oh, hello, Julia Hi, Miss Fair, you look destroyed What's up? I'm looking for somebody to replace Mr. Harris A very smart move It's about time you got rid of that old man Julia, please That's what comes from these May and December weddings If you don't understand, Mr. Harris is sick And I'm trying to replace him You don't need no excuse Sick and healthy, get rid of the old handbag I have no intention of getting rid of Mr. Harris He's sick and I'm trying to get someone to take his place on the show tomorrow Oh, well, if he's sick, I better go in and see him I wish you would Excuse me, I've got a phone call to make Okay, I'll just go in and cheer him up Hello, Julia I'm a very sick man Oh, that's a shame You have much pain? Yes Julia, you ought to be ashamed of yourself Laughing on a sad occasion like this I'm sorry, Mr. Remley, I shouldn't laugh at him Mr. Harris was a pretty nice guy when he was with us I'm sorry, Mr. Remley, I shouldn't laugh at him Mr. Harris was a pretty nice guy when he was with us He certainly was Do you want to look at him once more, son? No, I'd rather remember him the way he was What do you mean, was? I'm still around instead of Kippetson Why don't you guys try to do something to help me get better? He's right, kid Yeah Mr. Harris, if you can think of any way that I can do something to help you get back on your feet I want you to feel free to keep it to yourself And Curly, I want you to know that that kid speaks for me too Fine couple of pals, I'm not worried about myself I'm worried about the show I won't be able to be on the air tomorrow You won't be on the air? Oh, I better run along and prepare my uncle for the shock He'll be so disappointed Oh, does he like me that much? He thinks you're the funniest comedian on the air He listens to you every Sunday and he laughs so hard to keep banging his head up against the wall Well, doesn't that hurt his head? No, his cell is padded Everybody around's a funny man You think that somebody's trying to do something for him I offered to do something for you Let me take your place on the show tomorrow I promise not to be too funny I'll keep it right down to your level Nice and dull Remly, I'd let you do it But frankly, I don't think radio is ready for you yet Sorry, I can't use you right now Just leave your name with the receptionist, sir And don't call me, I'll call you Let's face it, Remly You're not big enough to be... What'd he say? He won't do it, he won't do it, he won't do it What a pity, what a pity, what a pity Now I'll have to take over, Curly All right, I guess I'm stuck Well, Remly, you can take over tomorrow Curly, I appreciate this and I won't forget you If you ever get back on your feet, come around and see me And I'll find a place for you on the show Oh, you will, huh? Yeah, I'll let you read the commercials We're not allowed to do So long, and don't forget to listen to The new Frank Remly show Be happy, go Remly, the cutest lad in radio Plum-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup-plup Guy, if I could only get back on my feet, I... Ooh-ooh... My back No, no, no, no, take it easy, honey And relax I'll sit here and knit and you finish reading your book Here Here it is Oh Alice, I'm tired of reading Uncle Wigley Well Well, did you see my knitting anywhere? No Let me see now sleep and they'll sit up a minute oh oh oh you big clown you're always kidding around I found my knitting where right here the needles are sticking in your back your needles call my I wonder if I could talk Rudy Valley into taking her back ladies and gentlemen here is mr. Robert a riddle of the National Safety Council with a message for Phil and Alice Phil and Alice I take pleasure in making this public service award to you for the National Safety Council for the second consecutive year and the only time in council history that anybody has received the award more than once for taking time off from your very busy schedule to contribute your talent to this most worthwhile cause the National Safety Council presents you this award for exceptional service for the cause of safety in 1949 50 thank you mr. Riddle listen now to the tales of the Texas Rangers with Joel McCrae