 Welcome to the 21 convention Miami, Florida, 2016 and this speaker is one of the most amazing guys that I love to watch. Super, super good friend of mine man, but let me just tell you as a teacher of social dynamics for many years and watching somebody else who is such an excellent teacher but also change in his own life and grow that to me is what a leader does. I'm about to bring on stage a super cool guy, hang out with him all the time in Austin, Texas. His name is Nick Sparks and let's rock it. Thanks Steve. Hey guys. It's good to be here. I'm really, really, really excited to be here. You know I love this convention. I love getting to hang out with all the speakers, getting to talk, getting to spend some time together. I'm really excited to hang out with all of you. For any new guys, if you see me anytime this weekend please like you want to talk to me. You have a question. Don't hesitate. Say hi. That's what I'm here for all weekend. I'm just really excited and yeah we're doing good things with speakers. So my speech today is called Why Falling in Love Sucks and I was probably more nervous about this speech than probably any other speech I've given on this stage. I've been doing this a while and I'm always nervous when I'm standing up here speaking. I don't know if that's ever going to go away but before the speech leading up to it I was really more nervous about this one in particular. I was talking to Suck about this last night and one of the main reasons why is because all the other speeches I've given I had rehearsed that stuff hundreds of times with guys I'd worked with, with clients, fine-tuning it, saying something different every time, seeing what works better, seeing what doesn't, seeing what's more effective. I was really insanely comfortable with that material. I did my sleep. This stuff I've never actually delivered it all together like this. Maybe random conversation here or there but all together like this at once so I'm not as comfortable with it. And Socrates asked me right after I said that he asked me well why are you doing it? Why are you delivering this speech on this topic today? And I really didn't hesitate when I answered him the answer was because this is something that's very personal for me. I got the idea for this speech just this past January or so and it's really not coincidental that that's the time when I came up with this speech idea because that is all the time that I had my last really not so great breakup. And this one wasn't my first breakup. We'd only been together for six months or so. By this point I've been through this so many times I was pretty much an expert at knowing when things were starting to get a little unhealthy, cutting it off, taking care of myself, rebounding. I could deliver a speech on that maybe I will but I'd gone through that process so many times I was really good at it but this time it really hit me particularly hard because this was already a pattern I had repeated so many times in my life. I'd like to see if anybody in here can relate to the same pattern so I'm going to do something. I'm going to start to describe this pattern as I've experienced it and if you can relate to it I just want you to raise your hand. If I go on and I start talking about something that you can't relate to as much go ahead and take your hand down. I'll try to not drag this on too long so you're not holding your hand up. So first of all first step of the pattern right I'm out there I'm single meet a girl meet a woman we have this connection we have this spark we have this chemistry everything is great right honeymoon phase everything's perfect butterflies sunshine I feel incredible right who's been there all right all right got most of us got most of us keep your hands up keep your hands up because we're going to keep going with this so next step put your hand down if you can no longer relate to this pattern right next step all of a sudden things start getting kind of crappy in the relationship start fighting about nothing really arguing resentment builds it starts to drain you more and take more away from you right we've all been there keep your hands up if if this still relates to you great I'm going to try to make this fast my hand's getting too right then comes the crappy breakup right leaves you pretty low leaves you pretty rough hurts both people messy situation right that's like on a good time you just kind of break up and it sucks bad stuff happens maybe one one of you both of you cheats right a lot of pain a lot of suffering we've all been there right then you're low then you've got a claw and drag yourself build your confidence back up brick by brick you know heal yourself men from those wounds right start all over again say all right I'm ready again I'm ready to find somebody new right I see pretty much everybody that's done that first one is now still has their hands up I don't think anyone who raised their hands initially put their hand down through that entire you can put your hands down now right but why is that why did we all keep our hands up we all fell in love right like I've been taught by movies my entire life that when you fall in love that's the happily ever after we've been all waiting for why is it that we still all had our hands up for the rest of the crap why wasn't that all of our happy ending right then and there so I've been through this pattern more than most people seven or eight times probably in my life give or take and like I said after time after time you think you're going to do something different right I'm not going to date that kind of person again right I'm going to I'm going to pick somebody different next time it's not going to be like the last one it's going to be different and then it happens again okay I learned but now I know now I know differently I'm going to do something different this time and then it happens again so like I said by this last time it really hit me hard you start to question what's wrong with me what am I doing wrong why can't I get this right so like I said this speech is is one that's uh very personal for me and so here I was last January right seeing this pattern in my life wanting to break it trying different things trying to change it and I've got like there's got to be something I'm missing there's got to be something I'm doing wrong what is it it had to be one thing there was only one other thing that I hadn't looked at yet there was one other thing that I hadn't questioned but it couldn't be that thing there's no way because once again I've been told my entire life that this was the greatest thing in the universe right this was the ultimate happy ending this was the ultimate happy ever after it couldn't possibly be this thing right but I was out of options I had nothing else left so I started examining right this thing before we go any further if you are reasonably intelligent if you have like if you have a logical brain whatsoever right now you're probably looking at me or you should be looking at me and asking yourself nick you clearly have not had the most ideal relationship history I think you've made that point abundantly clear why the hell should we listen to you give a talk about relationships that's a good question right it's really tough for me to uh fault that logic right there not claiming to be a relationship relationship expert however as I mentioned I've been through this process more than most people I've been through the pain I've been through the the hurt I've been through all of that more than most people so I may not know better than anyone what to do but however I know better than most people what not to do I'm basically an expert on what not to do when it comes to relationships so we're also going to be talking about the things to do because I've done a lot of research on that but I'm standing up here today because if you can take something from my experience if you can go through half of the painful experiences that I've been through and hurt half of the amount of people in turn as I have right I feel pretty happy about where this is all going so we're going to go ahead and move on to talk about this whole phenomenon of love I'm saying it sucks right what is this thing that we're talking about that that sucks before we even further I want a minute to define what is this thing right when I say falling in love sucks what do I mean specifically what is this falling in love phenomenon you may recall from your middle school social studies books that the Greeks had three different words for love anybody recall that middle school social yeah right you had friendly love called philia pretty sure it's philia might be mispronouncing that but you had friendly love right also familiar family right you care about this person you would do anything for them you've always got their back you're always going to be there for them right love we know what that is we've experienced that at some point or another with someone at least right then you've got agape right agape pretty sure that's that's how it pronouns it agape this was the most revered form of love the philosophers of the day kind of put this one on a pedestal said it was the most spiritually the highest spirit most virtuous the best essentially and this was that deep connected partnership that two people can share it combines the the friendly love the philia right it also has a romantic component it's built over years and years it's one of the deepest most beautiful at least considered by this Greek philosophers the deepest most beautiful spiritual connections in the entire universe right so when i say falling in love sucks that's not what i'm talking about neither one of those those are awesome those are some of the best things in the entire universe that's not what i'm talking about right greeks had a third word for love and isn't these three words actually three words for three different things and they actually have three words for them we only have one now the third one the one we're talking about today good old arrows arrows that primal physical butterflies spinning millions of songs and sonnets and poems have been written about it right eros not the he's kind of a little more a little more gritty right he's not the clean virtuous like his his siblings over there good old arrows right what is this this phenomenon what happens when we fall in love otherwise known as infatuation sometimes called lust what's actually going on in this process where everything's perfect in the world and you found the most amazing perfect human being you could ever find for yourself in your life right fortunately we have few scientific advances that the greeks didn't we can look at the brain the body what's happening when somebody's falling in love love and the main thing there's a whole lot of heart beating faster sweaty palms and all that but the main things that happen that cause all this is your brain gets hit i mean the adrenaline they're two pretty powerful compounds right dopamine everything's beautiful and i love everything adrenaline i'm fearless i was going to make a drug allegory there but i don't think i need to it's a hell of a drug essentially is what i'm saying right this this chemical burst if you could package this it would be the most popular drug in the world by a million times over right it's a lot of fun it's one of the most pleasurable enjoyable experiences in the world but that's all it is it's simply a chemical reaction in your brain that creates this magnetic crazy attraction connection with somebody else right a lot of evolutionary science scientists like to talk about why we have this this this chemical reaction to certain people certain times undecided nobody knows for sure we can't say for sure but the most popular theory is that well it's formating this is for procreation for making human beings and and continuing our species and then growing our species and it makes sense that the theories gain popularity because usually the time the amount of years that these feelings last kind of correlate to the amount of time that a child needs to be heavily dependent on their parents before the village tribe can kind of take over and start having a more helping hand of development once again i don't know for sure that's kind of the theory of why we have this crazy physiological reaction to people right that's all it is it's a little baby making phenomenon that we put on a pedestal and said this is the greatest thing in the universe this is the greatest happily ever after but it's not right and it's not just that it's not just oh my god i'm so attracted to this person this person's a physiological match for me that i'm having this reaction because we're human beings i talk a lot in my book about that natural attraction that two things can feel for each other and the sensations in the body and the chemistry and the connection right but as human beings if we were just you know monkeys right it would just be primarily oh okay i feel like my genes are a good match for your genes we'd make healthy offspring we're feeling this crazy dopamine adrenaline thing let's go to it right but human beings are more complicated than that because we've got these things we've got our brains also getting involved and also influencing these feelings and influencing the phenomenon and it does so in two major ways our brain really gets involved in this process in two major ways one past triggers past triggers and i know that triggers is kind of almost a little bit of a trigger word around here let me explain what i mean by triggers when i say triggers i don't mean oh my god this thing is triggering an unpleasant feeling it needs to be censored it's not what i'm saying i'm saying oh my gosh this thing is triggering an unpleasant feeling this is an excellent opportunity to learn a little bit more about what's going on learn a little bit more about myself so that's what i'm talking about here the thing is though certain people will trigger some emotions from our past right maybe it was that girl at the first girl you had a crush on like back in elementary school that you completely forgot but she or who she wears her hair the way that that she wore her hair right maybe there's a sense of humor that reminds you of your best friend back in middle school still completely subconscious right maybe there's like a warm nurturing aspect that reminds you of reminds you of the nurturing you got from your mother and that feels good that feels comforting right maybe they're more aloof and more kind of emotionally uh more emotionally held back and withdrawn like the stereotypical father was and it reminds us of that like form of connection we had with a father right guys girls were all triggered by these different things and that factors in that factors into that emotional chemical response that we have to these people right the other big factor that our brain brings into play superficial stimulation right we all know it you'd be standing next to this woman and she could just be an awful person and every single signal in your body is screaming get away from this person i don't like her right she's not nice she's not a nice person i don't feel comfortable around her but she's really hot though so right superficial stimulation right for guys it's usually well man it's hot for women hot definitely works too but it also tends to trend towards you know taking care of comfort financial stuff these things are our issues we're going to talk about really quick but when these two the more these two things come into play the more these human parts of of our brain come into play and influence us right the more the negatives start to pop up in these in this falling in love once again i'm not i know the name of my speech is is falling in love sucks but it's it's it's fun it's a really enjoyable experience and it can be a very positive growth-oriented enjoyable experience but the more our brains get in the way and the more we we start doing these other things the more the sabotaging negative unhealthy toxic patterns start emerging and it can be one of the most destructive hurtful painful experiences in your life so why does falling in love suck well because the way we look at and the way we treat it so let's look a little bit more deeply on some of the problems that arise when these feelings are taking over when we're emotionally compromised when we're not thinking clearly and where we found our one true love right so once again the more you're being triggered by this person from stuff from the past the more you're superficially stimulated by them the more these things are going to come out so number one you ignore red flags it's that's the big one right there right if this was a person that you didn't have that chemical response to and they said something like they're saying like if it's a guy saying something super douchey or a woman saying something kind of mean you would say ah person like I don't like them they're not they're not the kind of person I want to associate with very much but you're getting hit by those chemicals oh they're nice I know them they're not that bad I know what they really mean they're just joking they're cool there yeah don't don't pay any attention to that you're telling your friends oh he doesn't mean it she doesn't mean it she's cool right we ignore these red flags that we would otherwise be all over but when those chemicals are rushing through our brain we are not thinking clearly all right this is why I think uh superficial stimulation yes triggers a superficial stimulation is big when it comes to ignoring red flags this is why I've drastically changed my priorities when it comes to dating right as much as I say as much as so many guys say yeah we want a good person we want a great person right a lot of us still have that but I want a hot person first right a lot of women say I want a great guy I want a nice guy I want an awesome guy yeah buddy better have that paper going on right where are priorities really lying and dating and this is I've changed for me drastically because I found when like attractiveness was really my top priority I would be much more likely to ignore that other stuff maybe not a great person whatever right but when I prioritize that other stuff when I prioritize those kind of deeper things right I'm not going to write off attractiveness and I'm like oh my god she's so awesome come on I'm gonna force myself to be attracted to her like you can't look past that you can't trick yourself into being attracted to her the way that you can trick yourself into thinking that she's a great match for you does that make sense ignoring red flags all right um the other thing people do is they're not really dating each other when these chemicals are hitting their body they're really dating fantasy versions of each other what do I mean by this right first of all when you are love struck right you're putting you want to put your best foot forward out there you want to you want this you're you're more likely to embellish who you are to only put out the most positive sides I'm not saying that that's a bad thing but when we're hiding parts of who we are that can start to snowball into real problems really fast and we'll get to that more in a second but the other person right uh they're they're doing that too they're putting out this idealized versions of themselves and at the same time this comes in especially when we're triggered we're not seeing again the person who they are we're seeing our fantasy version we have this fantasy version of how she looks or how they act or who this person is and often at times when we're falling when we're getting hit by this we're not seeing the other person we don't want to see the reality of the person we want to see our fantasy there's a specific title for this it's called the um the white knight phenomenon it was developed named because it was initially identified in women where women when they're really young and maybe they're going through some bad stuff they'll develop this fantasy in their head of this knight who's going to come and save them watching movies this reinforce this thing and then when they get older right they don't realize this is all subconscious but whenever they meet a man and they start to have this chemical reaction that all of a sudden that fantasy comes back and they imprint that fantasy onto that man so they're not dating actually him she's not seeing him she's seeing that fantasy right guys do this too it's not just the female phenomenon that is for sure we date the fantasy and we project the fantasy as well right now I believe this is the main reason that fights over nothing happen right because you're clinging onto this fantasy this fantasy is a source of your happiness and good feelings but we're human beings the other person is going to break from that fantasy eventually and when they break from that fantasy suddenly it starts ruptured like I don't know this person who is this person wait it's not what I thought I believe that it's when these people break from this fantasy we have in our heads that's when these fights that's when this resentment builds up in a relationship that's when these arguments over nothing really tend to happen got to be aware of those creating fantasized versions of the other person putting those fantasized versions out of yourself um that's very closely tied to the next one that happens bad communication not fully sharing not fully being honest not saying something because you're afraid of how the other person is going to react to it right you wanted an example of good communication really really really simple example of good communication your best friend right a lot of people call their significant other the better their best friend if there's things that you would say to your best real best friend your best guy friend your best girlfriend right that you wouldn't say to your significant other that's not your best friend I'm sorry right real communication not holding back because you're afraid of the it's going to mess up the image they have of you right real communication um another big big danger that comes in these relationships with this phenomenon rushed commitment rushed commitment it's we've only been dating for a month but man I'm in love I'm feeling I don't want to hate anybody else this is this is the most amazing I've felt since I can remember yeah sure let's let's do it exclusive all heck really know that person once again you know a fantasized version of that person more than you know that actual person and you rush into this commitment you commit yourself yeah I know you don't want to see anybody else right now you usually don't but you are saying that regardless of what the future holds and regardless of who else comes along regardless of what other connections you might experience in the future you're a hundred percent person that you want to ignore all of that and stay with this person just because you're having this chemical brushing your brain right now rushed commitment right so I'm sure that I've seen a lot of nods out there right um this stuff is common the stuff is very close at least or more common than healthy like functional relationships usually got to go through these before you have a good one at least a few of these right um so I mean when you look at our relationship stats right when you look at failed relationships divorces just just lack of successful relationship haven't they happen they're wonderful when they happen I'm not making it sound like it's this unicorn or yeti because there's a lot of amazing examples of it but we all know that this stuff is a lot more common so before we move on I just want to say if you can relate um to at least two of these things if you've caught yourself doing it if this is showed up for you I highly recommend the book um of addiction by Pia Melody excellent excellent book goes far more into detail talks about um talks about anxious relationship types talks about um what is it dismissive or pushing away uh this uh dating types talks about more fascinating fascinating stuff all to that book I can't recommend it enough um but when you see this when you when you we're all familiar with these patterns when we've all experienced that when anybody eats is like yeah this is what it is right it's not surprising that we have like not there's a reason why millennials are getting married at a slower rate than than any generation ever before we're terrified of it right and I think there is uh there is reason to be because I said it does cause a lot of pain but so we're not only here to talk about these red flags to avoid I want to talk about what you can do instead want to give you a game plan so that you do not make these mistakes you do not run into these traps right um so now we're going to talk about um we're going to move along all right we're going to talk about how to avoid these these relationship pitfalls number one number one with a bullet and if you've ever seen me speak before this is usually my number one with a bullet awareness simply having awareness not saying oh I'm feeling this rush of chemicals I'm in love everything's perfect I found my soulmate not doing that first of all keeping it in perspective right this is fun I'm going to enjoy this this is awesome this is just a drug this is just a chemical reaction a fun one a super fun one but I'm not going to make it into anything more than it is I'm going to enjoy it for what it is and not going to assume that this person is now my the person I meant to be with because of it right I'm going to look at oh there's that pitfall I can see how I'm doing that right I can see how maybe I'm triggered by this person maybe I'm liking this superficial thing about them and it's causing this greater uptick in these behaviors coming from me awareness seeing it catching it right next thing the next big thing slowing down slowing things down not saying it's easy that's for sure when you have those that rush of chemicals man you just want to speed everything up you want to spend every waking second together have as much sex as you possibly can all the time all right but the faster you go less like you are to catch yourself tumbling down this rabbit hole I mean sex too all right I'm going to say slow down sex I know we're human beings it's really hard to slow down sex however it's a very intimate experience two human bodies getting as closely spiritually connected as can possibly happen it's an emotional experience right if you're feeling that connection already you sleep together all of that stuff is going to skyrocket and your 10 your your chances of falling into some of these traps are going to skyrocket once again I'm not saying you're going to be perfect I'm saying awareness see what see notice the effects be aware of the effects that your actions have and be real with what it is and don't make it into something it's not slowing down this is this is actually something that I'm very proud of myself for doing recently just this past summer I met a met a woman we had about as strong as as one of those connections as I can remember having in a while I mean this was intense this was super like I mean we even like on our second time hanging out we were looking at each other and we were just saying like we are so screwed right now because we know exactly where this goes we know exactly what this is right so what did I do though because since january now I've been wanting to do things different since january I've been examining this stuff different right so I said okay I'm feeling all this I'm very excited about this person we're going to take a week just before I see this person again I'm just going to take a week I want to see him tomorrow I want to see him right now this second I'm going to take a week right and that week came I'm a little more calmed down I had a chance to process my emotions before started spending more time together still fire is all heck but I was able to catch red flags a little more she was kind of an alcoholic right um so the decision I made in that moment was that I basically friendzoned her at that time I saw yeah we've got this super hot thing but I know that if we jump down this path it's going to turn into a huge blazing tire fire I can guarantee there's nothing good that can possibly come from this in the long run so I friendzoned her and who knows you know maybe we could develop uh something else like further but I knew that like that intense like that was just the fastest highway to hell you could imagine there was no turning back that's just like tear off the the brakes because this thing's just going downhill and it's not stopping I jumped out at the last minute before it's going down first time in my life I was able to stop an unhealthy situation a painful destructive unhealthy situation before it happened pretty proud of myself for that but um don't I don't know I'll applause that one um other things you can do to avoid these situations talking to friends right they've got this third party looking you can talk to them about and you can say hey am I being crazy right here or is something else going on even more important listen to your friends when your friend says I don't like that person listen to them my dear guy you don't want to how dare they speak negatively about the love of your life right do your best listen to your friends um practicing good communication when you're getting into those situations and you want to put your best self forward and there's things that you're maybe wanting to hide right honesty practicing honesty yeah it's hard yeah it sucks but man the benefits are big um now that's not saying oversharing either that's that's that's another issue that people can run into they just spill everything oh my god I love this person I want them to know everything ever about me that's not healthy either um healthy relationships healthy friendships there's a gradual getting to know getting to trust opening up feeling safe building things slowly over time right that philia hey thanks for watching I hope you're enjoying the video if you like what you hear and you'd like to work directly with me I'd love to work with you and help out if you want to do so simply check out the link below this video follow the instructions from there thanks again for watching and enjoy the rest of the speech all right you don't don't dump everything so healthy communication once again you ever want to know what that looks like think about your best friend how do you talk to them all right people always I gotta go back to it because these these breakups happen and they always say the same thing you always say the same thing well we'll still be friends well we'll still be friends which is ridiculous because you were never friends to begin with like that person was not your pay you spent 24 seven yeah you're enjoying all the good chemicals that you're feeling from this person but you don't talk to this person the way you talk to your actual friends right you never had that actual connection but it's important it's so so important to have that philia right if you don't have that foundation of philia underneath that your relationship will not last it will never last I guarantee it you want to know here's a here's a statistic you can look this up any way you want to right what relationships have the highest chance of staying together by a long shot it's not even close it's something like 90 percent to everything else an insanely high percentage of chance of success right any guesses what kind of relationships have the highest percentage chance of success I'll just tell you it's relationships that start out as friendships far and away and guys like oh man I got friend zone you never get out of the friend zone far and away the most successful relationships start as friendship when you start I would I would argue that it's much easier to take a friend relationship where you know the person inside and out you've loved spending time with it and develop that arrows with that person to move to a negape then it is to start with an arrows go through all that shit go through the fantasy go through the having trouble communicating going through all that then developing a philia from that then moving that towards a gap I say it's a lot easier start in the middle once again easier said than done because we're still human beings we still have like these crazy feelings we still have these drugs in our brain right but just to close out this point this point on friendship right this point on developing love I'm in the east the far east as they say there is an expression that goes something along the lines of in the west people marry who they fall in love with in the east people choose to love who they marry right now say what you will about arranged marriages right I'm not saying that there's not problems with them not what I'm saying whatsoever right however a good friend of mine from college got married he's from India got married a couple years ago and you know when we were in college I would tease some oh yeah range marriage haha because I was young and dumb um but I went to this man's wedding and I got to know the process by which he found his wife actually pretty awesome right he had his family he had their respective families just kind of talking knowing each other his family would pick a bunch of different possibilities for him right and then he'd go on dates with all these different possibilities until he found someone that he felt some attraction to and he felt some chemistry with right but the thing about this is these people have already been pre-screened right he's not like oh I think this person's great even though you're emotionally compromised and you're not thinking clearly like he's had much more unemotionally compromised people that care about him who know him getting taken care of like those deeper important things up front so when he like says oh I'm attracted to this person he doesn't have to worry about the rest of it it's already taken care of not a bad deal not a bad deal whatsoever I and then there's such a good match I mean like he's more quiet and reserved and shy she's more outgoing and and then like fearless and then aggressive like there's such a great match like like yenta really did her job well on that one and so but once again it's this idea of we're going to like this is a person that man we fit together so well this is a person that like I could see myself spending the rest of my life with right and I'm we're going to develop we're going to work on the sexual stuff pretty sure that's what the kama sutra and stuff is for please like don't be mad if I completely butchered my understanding of that um and then from there it's much easier to move into that agape that deep amazing partnership right and that's not to say that you can't enjoy the aerosas along the way but take them for what they are right remember the kind of loves that are truly important the kind of love that truly lasts and what we'd really be working for we'll be really working towards and how you might better achieve that so in closing again right I could say the ideally you start out as friends and then you work on everything else but we're human beings I'm going to date people that I just have this uh this this this chemical rush with we all are going to right it's it's almost like it's almost like the the universe is playing like a grand experiment like can we give these creatures this um this this crazy rush this most insane drug in the world but then also see if they can develop this deeper spiritual love along the way I mean it's it's a pretty entertaining reality show if you're watching like how the hell are we supposed to do this honestly honestly right don't ask me we're trying our best though all right so you're not going to be perfect right but have that awareness learn because there are serious consequences right to getting this wrong we've all been through those painful destructive breakups some are a lot worse than others you've signed legal papers with that person it's even harder especially for guys we know divorce courts are not kind to us bring in children whole another world these are serious serious decisions that you're making and I want to make sure I emphasize that you're making them seriously all right with the intent that they deserve but at the same time I don't want you to be afraid of getting out there right I don't want you to be afraid because actually the most remarkable thing about me really looking at this falling in love thing looking at this arrows is that it it made me more fearless I guess you could say when it came to dating right because before I was like so worried that I was going to make that same mistake again I don't even want to get into another relationship because I know it's not going to end up right that doubt that despair but now all of a sudden I've got to say since I've been taking this new approach and looking at this in a new way my dating life has been much more enjoyable than probably at any point in my life a lot less hectic a lot more relaxed but a lot more enjoyable as well so once again I hope that I could spare you some of the experiences that I've been through I hope that that this talk today has given you at least one thing that in the next situation you face the next romantic situation you face you're going to be able to make a little bit smarter of a decision if I could leave you with that I'll be happy thank you guys questions don't be shy you got me all weekend too but one thing I've noticed in relationships is that the beginning of a relationship we don't have an idea of what the cost of the relationship has got to be to us personally do you think that really affects uh how likely we are to be tricked by the by the brains chemicals the cost of the relationship right as you get to know someone you bring them into your life there's a cost that that incurs they have you know things that are going to directly affect the way you live your life so there's a cost and that's sure over the long term but we don't know that on the front and so we get into a relationship I mean have you in your relationships have you seen that effect how easy it is to be some susceptible sure sure yet another thing that we we ignore when those chemicals are rushing our brain we don't think about we don't care right but then we have those experiences we learn we internalize that new information that we've gained and it can make us a little more wary in dating in the future moving forward and dating somebody new because we now know we have this greater knowledge we have this wisdom of oh there's these extra costs involved right and I think I want to go back to which is why putting this stuff in perspective slowing things down realizing what it is with this person not getting into a commitment taking your time getting to know them so you're not over committing somebody you barely know right making sure you're really doing that that's going to help you greatly avoid some of those other costs because if you see those things starting to creep in you can walk away or you can say I'd like to change how this relationship is working because it's not really working for me right now because the costs are out are outweighing the benefits right I could easily see how that'll be the case so so yes that'll still happen once again we're always going to be emotionally compromised in those situations by having that awareness by taking some of these steps you can greatly reduce just your cost in the overall situation make smarter decisions for yourself makes sense hey Nick I have a question in regards to guys who are really analytical and have really self-critical minds either because of their education or just the way their their minds wired kind of always being in your head as far as before getting into a relationship or even in the dating scene or even when you're in also yeah relationship oh yeah your best advice for guys like that great question and very personal for me because I throughout my entire life have suffered from a fair deal of anxiety um it's you know anxiety is definitely something um that I've dealt with and so this especially feeling it when it comes to intimacy especially being in those brain starts racing you start overthinking you start freaking out about nothing right great question so I found for me there's two cures for anxiety two cures for anxiety exercise and meditation exercise especially exercise like amazing for anxiety right and the thing is the crappy thing is when we get when we start getting those relationships and when the the butterflies are spinning we tend to put exercise on the back burner we tend to start slacking we want to spend every second with this person oh we're not spending as much time at the gym anymore we're sleeping in and grabbing brunch right it's because it's awesome but you're not doing those things that you need even more now you need that even more now you're bringing in more stress you're bringing in more potential for anxiety you need to double down on your exercise and meditation right like I know if I'm facing some stressful stuff like that's always my biggest problem with with exercise I'll get really into it I'll do it I'll feel amazing and it's like I don't have an anxiety anymore I don't even need motivation that was driving me when I'm feeling anxious man I can kill some weights right I can sprint like a madman right but if I'm feeling good I have no motivation for that whatsoever so then I need to find a new challenge I need to find something that will raise my anxiety so they got an excuse to go back to the gym now I've got more anxiety to burn anxiety and of course meditation I was doing it right out in the hallway before this speech because I was nervous as always before one of these speeches just feeling the feelings in your body as much as possible usually when we have thoughts spinning through our brains that are out of control it's because there's feelings in our body that we'd never we'd rather not face we'd rather not embrace so we jump into our head as an avoidance mechanism exercise meditation answer your question hi nick hey longtime fan first time question um so you go through that breakup it's the worst thing in the world you basically don't throw yourself off a cliff which is a huge thing how do you help yourself and how do you help your students get back on the horse without doing that whole geez the world is oh I'm not worth it oh my gosh like I said I could deliver a speech just on this topic um I'll give you the short I'll give you the condensed answer right now number one it's okay to go through that crappy period it's okay to go through that like just the world is sucks and I want to die in my whole thing you can do that it's okay there's nothing wrong with it it's part of the process more often than not just know that you're not moving forward you're just kind of dwelling in the same shit and things aren't going to get any better until you leave that place one um next and I do this too I grab a copy of my book I am not just saying that to promote you obviously I'll have a copy right now but I go back to the same like fortunately I'm nick sparks fortunately I have like a body literature that I can turn to and say even though I'm like messed up in the head even though I'm not putting my best foot forward even though I'm emotionally just all over the place I have a guide in front of me that I can follow step by step um and I I apply it I go and I read my book and I apply like the exact same things the things that I know are my own weaknesses because I've already diagnosed and I know where I fall short when I'm getting emotionally wonky I know to focus on those get myself out there connecting with people right more exercise more connections you know the same old healthy stuff that we've heard a million times over more meditation more exercise start new hobbies learn new skills meet more people make new friends same old advice you've heard a million times but yeah doing it and and like I said I'm fortunate because I've been through this so many times I've helped a lot of guys go through it so I've got a little bit more um firepower than most guys do I've done it so many times now I know before I'd be like am I ever going to feel good again now I was like yeah I'll be fine it helps a lot is that answer more or less it's a nick um earlier in your speech use the word pattern um we're talking about relationships here so uh what's like the general pattern of relationships that you've seen in your life and in other people's lives what's like the cycle you were here for the hand thing right that was that was the deep pattern that was that was the pattern yeah falling love falling love roses things start to get crappy animosity builds crappy breakup rock bottom claw your way back up I'm going to do things different this time she's not like the last one repeat pattern uh thanks Nick that was an amazing speech um the one thing that I I've seen happen I've fallen into this a lot and um especially when you get to a point where you know you're meeting a lot of women you really like you're traveling you meet that girl you have that crazy arrows as you call it but you don't know where you're going you don't know where she's going and there's that fear where if you don't kind of move along quickly it'll just be you missed out on that with it oh you missed out on that you know opportunity to have something and so there's that need to kind of rush into it you can't really do the like let's slow it down and be friends then you know the second you leave there's going to be 900 other guys with amazing resumes knocking on the door um I'm curious if you have any sort of advice as to you know what do you do that's what's great about those experiences like those are the best aeros is in the world like the easy one a perfect example of how you can thoroughly enjoy an aeros experience an experience of the dopamine adrenaline falling in love it's when you're traveling it's or when she's traveling right it's it's when you both I've more experiences of man I felt that connection I felt that falling in love like when I'm traveling or when she was traveling right I've I've had guys that will it's been a it becomes a problem because they will only like people they will only develop those kinds of feelings for people in those situations right and why because it's easier you don't have to where's this going to go you don't have all the fear of worrying about all those costs all those pitfalls all that hurt you don't have to worry about any of that you can simply just enjoy it for the pure simple drug that it is and then you part never do anything again so yeah that's awesome I in those situations you don't have to worry about slowing down in those situations most of the traps that our brain really screws us with that messes up this this experience for us aren't really present so those are one of the few times when you can actually enjoy it kind of in its natural form without our brain screwing us over too much so yeah thanks for bringing that up good memories okay I have a question Nick okay um great speech by the way I just wanted to know if um you had a method for navigating situations um somewhat like mine in my case I'm 28 I kind of know where I'm going in my life and what my goals are and I have a plan set up to get there my girlfriend she's 23 doesn't quite know I'm I can't quite see what her potential is because she doesn't even really know what she wants to do with herself um I know she's a good person but how do I quickly determine someone's potential before I let it get to the point where hey I've been with you too I don't want to get to the point where I've been with her two years and I'm just afraid to hurt her you know so I've got this five question quiz that'll tell you immediately what her future but now um that's that's that's a great question it's a great question you have no idea that's why it's important not to rush into these decisions glad you brought this up because I had a story I forgot to tell I had a friend in New York um getting engaged about to get married him and his girlfriend were dating for eight years eight years a lot of people would say well that's way too long a lot of people would ask him why did you wait so long the answer was always the same because I only wanted to do it once great answer can't argue with that one right you have no idea who this person is going to be that's why you don't rush into commitment that's why the best relationships develop over a long period of time that's why the most successful relationship by a long shot start as friendships so you know your best friends who you've had forever who you're going to be friends forever are you worried about where he's going to go with his life or what his potential is going to be because you know this dude inside and out because you've known him for so long and you know that yeah he might do stupid shit sometimes but it's not so bad it's his faults aren't so bad that I'm not going to love the guy right so that's how it is with uh I'm going to say within a gap a style partner yeah of course they're not perfect but I know this person inside and out right I know what their faults are I know what their strengths are and it's something that is a good fit for me so you're not going to know spend another decade with her you might have a pretty good idea at that point no problem so nick uh this speech is a little bit different from some of your last 21 convention speeches it doesn't end with like a man so it's a little bit less about thought about how to have a relationship like a man but it's time to get off that train time to get off that train so my question is in the past five years or so how have you seen the place of yourself change in relationships good question oh got a lot more gray hairs now I feel like I've earned up so that's a good question so I'm nice myself so that makes me think of is has been around rumored around the internet I had taken quite a while off coaching I think about three years off I'd still did it a little bit here and there but I took about three years off coaching and the reason why the main reason why is it no longer had the same kind of passion for it for me in it right I'd gotten into this industry I've said this before mainly because of my own insecurities because my own questions because my own desperate need for validation right and so this whole journey for me in this industry has been about figuring that out for myself whenever I coach a guy and I'd see he was doing this thing I could reflect it oh I see when I do that thing but I couldn't see it in myself right then about three years ago it's and for a little while before that it just got to the kind of point where it no longer I no longer had that desire I had those questions answered I had that part of myself those insecurities kind of taken care of I got older and it no longer presented the same draw the same appeal for me that it once did so I was kind of you know moving away from that I was kind of tired I was overworked I was I was burnout from that and so I kind of started thinking well you know what am I going to do now where do I go now but my brain already knew like my brain already chose this profession long before like I knew I was going to be doing it my brain had this passion had these questions had this curiosity had these insecurities right I knew what I was going to do my brain was already hard at work on this speech that I was giving right now I knew that I had gotten this dating thing mostly under control but there's still this huge glaring hole in my life that I need to look at and I need to figure out and so that's for the kind of the past three years my attentions really turn more towards that and really geared towards more than I'm right now in the best place I've I've ever been with it as well and now I'm refreshed and I can't wait to get back into coaching and dating because I've kind of made peace with all that as well so yes I don't know if that answers your question I was probably just rambling I'm going to go with rambling but I hope that was helpful somehow what would you say is the biggest thing that you learned on this journey of self-exploration last three years and taking some time off biggest thing I learned yeah I'm gonna have to pass on that one I'm sorry I'm gonna get back to me let's let's keep talking we're gonna have some cigars yeah I'll join in on that first time for everything so Nick if you can comment on this we talked on the phone months ago when I went through a pretty serious breakup and one of the things you said you said to me that really stood out and I think you mentioned it briefly in this talk but for a second or if you can elaborate on it was that oftentimes the more attractive physically woman is that can sometimes be a signal for her compensating for a lack of inner beauty or inner virtue or something like that so can you speak to that a little bit what that means sure sure sure sure um I did not include this in my speech because you get in trouble when you make blanket statements um Anthony hasn't learned that one yet but you do get in trouble when you make blanket statements um but I would say if I had to guess I don't like this is not scientific evidence to back up or anything but if I had to propose a theory I would say that the individuals both men and women and I can relate to this myself who spend the most time and energy on their overall attractiveness both physical and personality the people that prioritize that and put the most amount of work into that probably have some issues with validation for themselves and needing constant validation from other people I could just be projecting my own past experiences here but um I think there might be some some truth to it if you're developing that part of yourself far and away over other parts of yourself there might be some truth so something to watch out for because I I definitely used to chase around the people that put the most amount of time into their attractiveness both physical and personality wise if a girl was charming but I've learned to start maybe valuing different things and not valuing that as much for sure thanks for asking um I got a question you said um you learned to be more aware learn to slow down and to be honest I mean doesn't that kind of limit the amount of people that you can actually share that with I mean most people aren't really being honest with themselves you know like if for example I'm a very honest and straightforward person but I've been told that's very not abrasive but very direct so at times I feel like it's kind of hard to be direct is it something like it's you have to build like a bond first and well I mean two different ways I'm going to answer that question one are you being direct or you just word vomiting because you're anxious and nervous and that's a defense mechanism you have to kind of keep yourself safe and keep other people at bay it could be either one of those I'm not saying it's one or the other I don't know you well enough yet but it could be either one of those something to think about right the other the other thing that that could possibly be though um is is that directness right we're a social species human beings are a social species so it's it is important that we learn how to interact in harmony and in cohesion with other members of the group and so I think that there's being honest and being direct is a great thing but also learning how to tailor that message for greater harmony within the group is another important skill to develop as well now George is firing him at me today all right all right this one I'll go with the softball on this one what other relationship that you have not been in do you remind do you admire someone else's relationship oh gosh I there's tons of tons of examples I've got I'm sitting right next to you I did you set that out just because he was sitting right there um Steven Maria have a as an absolutely amazing relationship you talk about best friends you want to talk about honesty you want to talk about real connection like talk about compliments for each other um they're great um they're great who else who else um you know Connie and Cam out now um there's there's so many friends that I have and that's really what if I didn't have all these friends that had just these amazing amazing healthy relationships I would have no hope for it whatsoever but I've seen enough really great examples that you know gives you something to look forward to and I wanted to conclude my speech off as this but I really didn't like I firmly believe that those amazing partnerships those deep spiritual partnerships are one of the most powerful if not the most powerful catalysts or forces for positive change in our universe you want to talk about you can go protest to try to get them to take down some plant or you could form a healthy relationship which is going to affect everyone around you and affect children who are then going to go up and have a huge effect on the world it's mind blowing the the fact that these relationships can have and and so yeah I've been really fortunate to see a lot of them all right one more question let's wrap it up let's give it up for Nick Sparks thanks for watching I hope you enjoyed the speech if you liked what you saw please do your part to support the 21 convention like them on facebook donations are always accepted tell your friends get the word out there because there's really amazing things going on also you can always check me out at sparks of attraction dot com again thank you look forward to seeing you again soon