 free will is such an interesting thing. When it comes to dating, it might actually be that we're wired and programmed to date specific types of people. And in this video, you're going to do a little bit of a test that might determine why you pick the people that you pick. What is up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution. And if you're new to my channel, my channel is all about helping you improve your mental and emotional well being. And a lot of that has to do with relationships. I am somebody who has been in a billion terrible relationships. So if you're into that kind of stuff, make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. So we just hit 15,000 subscribers. 15,000 subscribers, that is absolutely mind blowing. Like I don't know, maybe I'll make another video just about like doing work and hustling and doing things that you love and are passionate about. But just so you know, like at the end of the year last year, I wasn't even at a thousand subscribers. And like I just always question, do really do people really care about mental health? But people do all of you do and I love that I love that people want to improve themselves mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever your jam is. So thank you to all of the new subscribers. You are all amazing. I love just spreading a message of hope. I used to be in a very dark place. Now I'm an amazing place. Anyways, I'll quit all that sappy stuff now. So a lot of you, a lot of you came over because you saw one of my videos about Trisha Paytas and Jason Nash and talking about borderline personality disorder. And I mentioned in that video a worksheet that helps determine not it doesn't help determine but it kind of enlightens you and it shows you why you date who you date and kind of why you behave the way that you do in relationships. So one of those sayings that I mentioned in a video the other day is that that old definition of insanity, right? And one of my loyal subscribers who's been here since the beginning psychedelic feline, she pointed out there's not an actual like insanity definition of the DSM. But an age old saying is the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over expecting different results, right? And some of you might realize that but some of you also might not see what you're doing. You might wonder like, I'll use myself as an example. I always find that's the best way to do it. I kept ending relationships in a heartache, right? Over and over and over again. And I'm like, why? Why? And you know, all this self pity would come and oh my god, I'm just never gonna find a good woman, all these other things. But like, there was a reason for it. I kept picking the same type of woman. You know, it was the same candy, just a different rapper, if you get what I mean. So this worksheet is actually it's not mine, right? And I actually got it from my mom. And it's not hers. I actually just called her on the phone. So those of you who don't know, I don't think many of you or any of you have met my mom yet. She's awesome. I need to do some videos with her, but she lives in California. But she is a psychologist. She got her doctorate in psychology while being a full blown alcoholic, but she's coming up on 13 years sober. She is amazing. I love that woman. And our dream someday is to open up a treatment center together like we mesh really well when it comes to all this mental health and addiction recovery stuff. Anyways, my mom does this relationship workshop. And my mom was actually the first person to kind of point out, you know, my, my behavior and the why I dated certain types of women. She was the first one to point that out. And I sat in on one of her relationship workshops. And that's why I saw this worksheet that she had people go through. And it's crazy like I was working in a treatment center. For the last three years, I'm about to start at a new one. We're getting that rolling. That's exciting. I'll tell you guys more about that soon. But anyways, um, yeah, like I would give it to clients like so many people so relationships have so much to do with our mental health. And for addicts and alcoholics, relationships can be their downfall. It can lead to relapses. But a lot of people too, like, you know, people who came from the tritipatus video, I know a lot of people have borderline personality disorder and things like that. And our emotions just go all wacky and zany and stuff. And it can lead to depression and anxiety and fear of abandonment and fear of rejection, just so many things. So this is very important. Now, I will say this, okay, this is like an experiment because usually the way this works, okay, this is two different worksheets. They're short, they're simple, takes you maybe 10 minutes to do. Okay. But the way this works is in a group setting, all right, you give people one worksheet, they fill it out, you kind of guide them through it, you know, you give them five or 10 minutes to fill it out, right. And then without seeing the second worksheet, then you give them the second one. And then you use the first worksheet to fill out the second one. And then you kind of have a discussion about it. So I'm doing this via YouTube. So this is a little bit different. So what I have done down in the description below is a link to both of these sheets that I'm about to go over with you. So what I would recommend is I'm going to talk about the first worksheet, pause the video, print it out, whatever it is, I uploaded it to Google Drive, print it out. Or if you can't print it, like I don't, I don't even have a printer, just open up the document and then write it down in a notebook or on a piece of paper. It's really easy. You'll see in a second. But pause the video and fill that out. And then start the video back up as we go over the second worksheet. If not, you're cheating and you don't gain anything from this. So you're wasting your time. But yeah, like, I really don't care if you cheat on this. It's not like the SATs or something. But this will help enlighten you. And I'll tell you an interesting story after we're done. All right. So this first one, this first one is basically, so it's split up in columns. Actually, I'm probably showing it on the screen right now. All right. So you'll see it's divided up in Mother, Father, Other. So it says in the column below, write positive traits or characteristics of your primary caretaker. Use words such as loving, caring, always there, nurturing, sense of humor, intelligent, hardworking, playful, etc. All right. So your primary caregiver. So if you had both mother and father in your life, you know, fill it out for both of them. Other. So if you were raised by your grandparents or adoptive parents or uncle and whoever raised you, okay. Oh, and by the way, like you can like pause it after each section if you want, if you need me to kind of explain it a little bit. So here's some examples that I would put. All right. So my, my mother, all right. So growing up, my mother was an alcoholic until I was 20. There weren't, if I'm being honest, like when I first got this worksheet, there weren't too many good characteristics I could look at, right? So I might have said loving, you know, I might have said caring, but it was like very minimal, you know, when, when I saw it, you know, but my dad, I would have put, you know, things, same things, like always there, hardworking, playful, I would have put those in there. So my dad pretty much raised me when I was growing up. All right. Next section. In the column below, write negative traits or characteristics of your primary caretakers. Use words such as never there, critical, anxious, angry, controlling, cold, distant, preoccupied, depressed, hard to please, et cetera. So for like my mom, it would have been a lot of those things. It would have been, you know, never there. Mood swings, angry, depressed, suicidal, just outrageous emotions. My dad, who raised me, it would have been some things like, you know, even though I put hardworking as a positive one, hardworking would have been a negative one too. My dad worked a ton. My dad, you know, we didn't really show emotions that much and things like that. So those are the things that I would put under the negative traits for my mom and my dad. So the next one. In the box below, write things that you needed the most and didn't get from your caretaker, takers. Use words such as more time, acceptance of who I was, encouragement, affection, understanding, respect. So things that I would put and you can kind of lump these together. You don't need to write, you know, specifically for mom or dad. You can if you want to, but like my mom, like the things I needed, like what did I need for my mom? I needed her to be sober. I needed more time of hers, more love, more affection. I needed her to care. I needed her to just be normal. I remember just wishing that my mom was normal. For my dad, I would probably say like, I wish we had more money. I wish I had a normal family and all sorts of stuff. So D, list three childhood frustrations, what you felt and what you did in response. All right. So for example, so there's in three columns, right? So what's the frustration, what you felt and what you did, right? So when I would go visit my mom in California and she'd be drunk. Okay. So I would just put like, mom was drunk. What I felt, I felt like she didn't care. Okay. And what did I do? I got angry. Like I got angry and sometimes I would yell at her or scream at her or whatever. Sometimes I would act out something else, a childhood frustration. One of my biggest child frustrations coming from my mom or dad, I hated this as a kid when they said, because I'm the adult, right? Like I hated this kind of just, you know, this, this power play, right? And when things got like that, what I felt like I was an angry kid. So I felt anger. But like, what did I do? I shut down. Like I'm the type of person where it's just like, whatever, and I'm done. Okay. So fill that out. That's the last one. All right. I'm expecting that you're following along here and you've been pausing and writing and everything like that. So now you can go down below, get document number two, and either print it out or write this section down in your notebook or scrap piece of paper. Okay. So let's get rolling. All right. So this says my unconscious relationship agenda. So imagine this is your unconscious speaking when you were in the mate selection process. So the way I preface this, the way I preface this to my clients when I do this with them, for a lot of them, I'm like, it's like a freaking magic trick. Like it is just crazy. Like, you know, when you watch those like, those mentalists or illusion people, and like, they just, you know, know, like, that's kind of like what this is for most people. I'll touch on that after we get through this. Okay. So imagine this is your, your unconscious speaking when you're trying to pick somebody. Okay. When you're in the single dating pool, this is why you pick who you pick. All right. So one, I am trying to find and or get a spouse or life partner who will be insert positive traits from section A. So like that, that loving or caring or hard working. All right. So these are some of the positive qualities that you're looking for in that person. Number two, but I won't really fall in love unless he or she also has at least some of these traits. All right. Insert from column B. So these are the negative things. So you might start to see that you are picking people, whether it's a man or a woman, the people you are picking have some negative traits of your parents. Now section two, when I find someone with a blend of both positive and negative traits, I will get really interested in him or her and may fall in love and form an intimate commitment relationship. So this next part three, in my relationship, I will struggle to get my partner to have only the positive traits so that I can finally get an adult version of blank. All right. So those needs that you needed, right? What did you need from your mom? Or what did you need from your dad? So this is, this is interesting. I'll let you fill out the last one until I, and then I'll come back to this. So number four, in my relationship, I will sometimes tend to stop myself from getting these needs met by doing an adult version of these behaviors. All right. So basically, like what you're, what you're doing is the action that you were taking in that last column, like what's the adult version of that. So for me, like the anger or, you know, the arguing or acting out, like what would I do? So let me just go back to my drinking days and stuff like that. Like me acting out as an adult is me getting really drunk. Okay. That's me acting out. The other one, me shutting down, like giving my, my girlfriend the silent treatment. All right. So that's what that means. Okay. All right. So, so yeah, basically, like, I don't know, like I really want you guys to leave comments down below. I really, really want you to, um, because basically what we're seeing is, is that we're finding, we're finding potential mates who are this combination of our caretakers. And the reason that is, and I can do entire videos on this, the reason is, is because that's where we feel comfortable. So for me, I was only comfortable dating chaotic women. I was only comfortable. I would not date women who were normal or calm or had their stuff together. I didn't feel comfortable. And what I was trying to do was I was trying to get them to meet the needs that my mom didn't give me as a child. Do you see what I mean? But like the other part is what we start seeing and especially number four is that we're, we're doing a lot of childish behaviors as adult. So like when we look at this, it's like no wonder why our relationships go south, right? We're not looking for the perfect mate. We're looking for someone who has the same flaws as our caretaker, as somebody as when we were a child. This is why children of alcoholics or addicts, for example, are like extremely, extremely likely to marry an alcoholic or an addict. This is why children who are abused, whether it's verbally or physically or sexually, they might date somebody who fits that. And this is on your unconscious. And it's absolutely insane sometimes. But I'll never forget one time I did this with a group at my treatment center. And afterwards this young woman came up to me right after and she's like, Chris, Chris. And she's like shaking. And she's like, she's like, can I come outside and smoke with you? I'm like, okay, sure. And we go outside and she breaks down in tears. She breaks down in tears. And she's like, Oh my God. Oh my God. Now I see why I keep dating these men. Oh my God. And she's like freaking out. And I'm like, listen, calm down. Like the first step towards solving any problem is recognizing that there is a problem, right? So if you can relate, like if this like shed some light on some stuff for you, like that's awesome. Now you know what to look for. Now you can say, Oh, I'm attracted to this for a reason. And that's unhealthy. You can change that. You can break that cycle. I am a living example of that. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. And she is not really like my mom, like at all. And this is like the first woman who is like, pretty much nothing like my mom. I was actually talking with her in the car about this worksheet and stuff. And it's interesting because people change over time. Like my girlfriend was saying, you know, she she used to have some of those traits that I mentioned, but she's outgrown them, right? And I'm a much different person too. So I will just in the video with this what I've noticed what I've noticed with this, I've seen some people who like this like did nothing for them. It didn't shed any light. Like they're like, no, I don't look for people like that. What I have found just and this is just personal theory. I found people who who keep getting into toxic relationships. So mainly young single people. I've seen that a lot. But like, I don't know, like married couples. I've seen like I've seen I've seen quite a few. But like, I don't know. It's hard to explain. But for some people, this is like not accurate. But this is very accurate for some of us who for lack of better words are kind of mentally or emotionally unstable. But doing this is going to help you find a better relationship. Or like I mentioned in my Trisha Paytas video, like this is why some of us just need to stay single for a long time and be like, okay, I am attracted to the wrong type of person. That's why this video is going in my playlist called the broken picker. Some of us just have a broken picker and it can get fixed. All right. So anyways, this is a long video. I hope you enjoyed it. Leave comments down below. Let me know like what your revelations were. If you could relate to this, like if this matched up and everything, let me know down in the conversation in the comments. Let's have a discussion. All right. Anyways, that's all I got for you. If you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up. And if you're new, I'm always making videos to help you out with your mental and emotional wellbeing. Make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell. And a huge thank you to everybody supporting the channel over on Patreon. You are all amazing. And if you would like to support the channel for as little as a dollar a month, click or tap on that Patreon icon right there. All right. Thanks so much for watching. I'll see you next time.