 Item number SCP-009-J Object Class Fun for Ages 2 and Up Special Containment Procedures This book belongs to Alfie Jacobs, a Foundation First reader's book, copyright 2013, Dr. Wondertainment Press. Description SCP-009-J is missing. Where has it gone? Is it under the table? Was it sat upon? Is it there on the ceiling? Is it under the rug? Was it gobbled right up by a quantum pill bug? Did it run through the tunnel? Did it fall down the stairs? Was it sent back in time to a carnival fair? Did it get on a train to a faraway place? Is it locked in a falsified beacon from space? Did it fall in the ooblet and data expunged? If it clogged up the sink, will it have to be plunged? Just where has SCP-009-J gotten to? Oh wait, that's right. SCP-009-J is you. Look at all these people having fun. Everything is okay. SCP-010-J is an unimportant entity that is not going to turn anyone's iteration of reality into a lifeless blob of primordial sludge. It is not cognitive hazardous, not info hazardous, non-toxic, and does not even technically exist. Contrary to dangerous and libelous rumors, SCP-010-J is not made of black holes, as that would mean we'd already be dead, right? Right? I didn't think so. So you can stop worrying about it being made of black holes. Now, you are 500 times more likely to be shot execution style in a back alley by this newt than be harmed by SCP-010-J. That's science. No containment procedures are necessary, as SCP-010-J is not a threat and nothing to worry about. Look at the fuzzy kitty. He's not worried. Why should you worry? SCP-016-J is a ballistic missile approximately 2.4 meters tall and 0.3 meters in diameter. Rude comments have been spray painted on all parts of SCP-016-J. These comments include cock block this and I hear you like it rough. SCP-016-J is capable of telepathic communication with any living being within 4 meters. After continued insistence from SCP-016-J and agreement from researchers that SCP-016-J's destruction would improve workplace morale, a test of firing SCP-016-J was conducted. During the flight, SCP-016-J greatly reduced in size, measuring 0.5 meters long and 0.15 meters in diameter 2 seconds after launch. Upon impact, SCP-016-J failed to explode. When questioned about the test results, SCP-016-J responded, quote, this never happens to me, end quote. Item number SCP-016-J object class SCP-017-J is a temporal anomaly which is, in essence, a field of time displacement. The field can cause time displacement in measures varying from 15 minutes to 3 hours. The only subject seemingly affected by the field is SCP-017-1-J, the human female named Barbara She is 67 years old, of above average means, and is an annoyingly good health. She has the seemingly preternatural ability to externalize blame, particularly on members of her family. The subject also displays a remarkable inability to read a clock or watch. Her residence falls within the area affected by SCP-017-J. When the subject is intending to leave her residence, the temporal field activates. She then experiences the time displacement, making her between 15 minutes to 3 hours late to every goddamn thing I have ever invited her to. SCP-095-J is a typeface, initially developed by the b***** corporation. SCP-095-J has a memetic effect on most viewers, causing irritation, increased blood pressure, and in severe cases, depression, anxiety, and massive data expunged, leading to b***** civilian deaths. Between b***** and b***** percent of SCP-095-J viewers, however, will become carriers of SCP-095-J, known as SCP-095-J-1. Using the typeface in all digital and printed communications, no matter the intended tone. See Archive 095-J-4 for instances of wills, suicide notes, and two declarations of war set in SCP-095-J. SCP-145-J is a sharp brand, 1000 watt R-21LC commercial microwave whose use can cause one of several anomalous effects on what is placed inside of it. It doesn't heat anything. It burns everything. The edges get roasted, but the center is still frozen. The whole damn thing is ice cold, but the plate it's on is molten lava hot. Smoke. Lots of smoke. The tray doesn't spin. The tray alternates between spinning clockwise and counterclockwise. Oh, correction. It's supposed to do that. Never mind. All requests to disassemble SCP-145-J in the hopes of finding the source of its anomaly are uniformly denied. Because if it doesn't work afterwards, then we don't have anything. And that's worse than trying to work with this crap. To date, SCP-145-J has resulted in 141 cases of first-degree burns, including 63D Class, 56th Junior and Senior Researchers, 21 Mobile Task Force Agents, and 105. I call that one 0-5 now. No 7. No 29 times a day. Oh, and we have to go to the park, too. Can we go to the park? Please, please, please. Can we go to the park? Description. It's a big, shiny, green ball, and I love to play with it. Sometimes he tries to trick me when he hides it behind his back, but I am smarter than him. We go out in the front lawn, and he throws it back and forth, and it's awesome. And what's that motherfucking mailman doing here? Yeah, you better go away, motherfucker. Will you throw it in the pool? Please, please, please. I love when you throw the ball in the pool, and I go get it. Yay! A dendo. I love the pool! Item number, SCP-Safe-J. Object Class, Safe, Euclid, and Keta. SCP-Safe-J is a set of three safes. SCP-Safe-J-A is a safe safe. SCP-Safe-J-B is a Euclid safe, and SCP-Safe-J-C is a Keter safe. The safe safe is safe for testing, and needs no extensive containment. The Euclid safe is safe so long as it's not near the Keter safe, in which case only the safe safe can return the Euclid safe back to safe. The Keter safe is never safe. It's in-progress containment procedures attempt to keep this safe as safe as the safe safe, but the Keter safe will never be as safe as the safe safe or the Euclid safe. Current staff assigned to the SCP-Safe-J safes are Dr. Safe, Dr. Euclid, and Dr. Keter. Dr. Safe is in charge of the safe safe, Dr. Euclid is in charge of the Euclid safe, and Dr. Keter helps with both the safe safe and the Euclid safe. The Keter safe is overseen by all three doctors, and it takes the combined efforts of Dr. Safe, Dr. Euclid, and Dr. Keter to ensure that the Keter safe is as safe as Dr. Safe safe safe, and Dr. Euclid's Euclid safe. SCP-004-J is Stanley Nichols, a certified public accountant, graduate, University of Michigan, 1978. The anomalous properties of the entity manifested after the job was awarded during mandatory psych and low-level amnestic administration. The staff were assigned to the task, flatly refused to administer amnestics to the entity, claiming that SCP-004-J was, quote, a real visionary, end quote, and that, quote, it would be a waste of drugs and a needless capex hit, end quote. Their holistic approach to purchasing and leveraging the growing internationalization of the supply chain has caused a sea change in our view of the synergistic possibilities to creating a budget-conscious deliverable, leading to a paradigm shift to crowd sourced. It appears the entity was in my vicinity briefly. SCP-004-J has a distinct cognitive hazardous field that will interfere with thought processes, overriding thought patterns with new ones that encourage growing a business through a set of jog and commonly used by sea-level executives known as buzzwords, while also impairing the ability to think critically. SCP-007-J is a blueberry muffin which belonged to Foundation Officer Evan prior to the discovery of its anomalous nature and its subsequent designation as an SCP. The anomaly occurred during a phone call Officer Evan received, which required him to leave the room. While stunned observed by Officer Blake, SCP-007-J, which Officer Evan had left unattended on his desk, planning to consume it after his phone call, believing it to be an ordinary muffin, disappeared by unknown means, leaving only a residue of unknown properties on Officer Blake's lips. The residue left on Officer Blake's lips was identified as crumbs from SCP-007-J. It is currently unknown how or why SCP-007-J left its mark upon Officer Blake, but medical analysis has revealed no long-term effects. SCP-4389-J is a powerful anti-memetic anomaly, which is believed to have the physical form of a piece of medieval artillery. Junior researchers and D-Class personnel are unable to observe SCP-4389-J, but accept its existence when made aware of it. However, Site Directors and members of the Overseer Council both cannot perceive SCP-4389-J and refuse to believe that it exists. You have one new message from Site Director Anderson. It has become apparent that you and several of your colleagues believe that there is a certain anti-memetic entity being contained in Site-19. This is not correct. There is nothing in the containment chamber which is seemingly designed to hold SCP-4389-J. I have previously sent this email to several other junior researchers, who all refuse to admit that SCP-4389-J is not real. They ignored the truth, so I am going to make it extremely clear in this message. There is no cannon. Hi there, I'm former Site Director and current volleyball coach O57. Now, you may know me for my but today, I'm here to tell you all about the amazing new world of liquid product SCP-025-J trademark. Using the latest and greatest technology, we've condensed every peanut butter-flavored cosmic horror into convenient bottled size. It's thrilling, educational, and the taste is to die for. Kids love it, and parents are there too. Crack open a can and there's instant K-Class Chaos. Now, it's a tiny containment unit, and look, flying through the air, it's cracked into your best pal skull. Wowee. SCP-025-J trademark, a $69 value, can be yours for only two easy payments of $29.99. Thank you for listening. Site 42 Studios and its staff are funded by viewers like you. Please become a patron or visit our merch store at the link in our bio to support our work. Secure. Contain. Protect.