 Men who are serious about commitment won't do these seven things. And we're gonna start right away with the first one. They won't lead with their exit strategy. That's right. They won't lead with their exit strategy. So I wanna read to you really quickly a comment I got on my YouTube channel. And it's really imperative that you listen to this because it says if I'm connected with, I'm connected with a man it's a long distance relationship. It's a bit complicated for sure. He is a broken man. That he has told me he's a broken man that he's lonely man. He said he's been betrayed before. I told him at least he was self aware, which is good. He seems to really be trying with me just to admit that when he thinks I might be getting suspicious, we'll say. So what I'm here to say is he literally led with I'm a broken man. I've been betrayed. I'm lonely. And she thinks, wow, he's a self aware guy. I'll be his heroine in this relationship. I will hold space for him while he's going through this difficult time. He surely will commit if I show him how much I love him and can support him. And then what I suspect will happen and given that this is long distance he will surely use that as his exit plan to exit out of the relationship. He will come up with all kinds of reasons why he isn't ready to commit because quite frankly, if a man is broken, if he's lonely, if he's been betrayed, it could take multiple, multiple years to heal from such a wound. That's right. It could take multiple, multiple years to heal from such a wound. Now, sadly, many women will hold out for a man like this hoping that he will choose her in the process and what typically happens, and I'm not saying this is an absolute, what typically happens is that the woman has invested her time, her energy, her body, and most importantly, her heart. And when he does actually heal to whatever degree this healing is, guess what he does? He exited out of the relationship with her because he'd much rather be a bright, shiny penny to someone new. Ladies, if you are engaging with a man who openly, he admits he's broken, he has set up the exit strategy as a way to prepare you because he can always say, I was broken, I told you this from the very beginning, you are the fool to think you're going to change me. So I wanna share with you, men who are serious about commitment won't do the following thing. So if any of this rings true for you on any one of these seven, just let me know, I've experienced this one. So list the number and I experienced this one, okay? Write that in the chat box or in the comment section. And if you've experienced all seven, I'm sorry you went through this. And I know that sounded like I was a little bit smiling, but I really genuinely mean, I'm sorry, you went through this. So number one, okay, men who are serious about commitment don't do the following. They don't complain about their ex. Even if it was a bad experience, they downplay their relationship with their ex, okay? They downplay it. They make it seem, not to suggest that they might not share some little bit that might be a truth about why the relationship ended, but they don't incessantly complain about them. They, you don't feel an energetic charge as if that they're angry, bitter, jaded, wounded, disgusted, in pain over the relationship. Men who are serious about relationships have cleared their past energy so they can make room for future person in their life. That's what a man who is serious about commitment. So have you ever experienced a man that complained about his ex right down? Number one, yes, I have. And what ended up happening in that dynamic, I'd like to hear about it as well. In other words, yes, I've been with a man who complained about their ex and this is the reason why we broke up. I'd like to hear about that. Number two, men who are ready for commitment don't need to lead with I'm a broken man. Men who are ready for commitment have already healed their childhood wounds, their adult traumas, or at least they're working on their childhood wounds and adult traumas. If you're not familiar with childhood wounds, I highly recommend checking out the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process. This is a deep dive into healing your childhood wounds and adult traumas so you don't bring this charge to any future relationship. And while this isn't a relationship book, this is a book for your heart. This is a book for your heart. So have you experienced that broken man? Did he lead with I'm broken? That's another thing. Did he use it as his exit strategy? Write down number two, I was with a broken man and this was his exit strategy. This man used it as his way to exit out of the relationship. If you've experienced that, please let everyone know that this has happened number two. You know, sadly though, before I go and get into number three, you know, the reality is, as most human beings are suffering on the inside in some way, shape or form of, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. We all experienced this to some degree. And yes, there are a significant percentage of people who are rather lonely, like I was sharing in that comment. You know, it's a byproduct of the way our environment is today, particularly for those of us who are baby boomers or Gen Xers, younger people have a different set of issues to deal with in the dating, mating relating dynamic. But I will say, being somewhat broken is a very common thing. Now, and I'm gonna raise my hand. I've been deeply wounded, deeply broken and I led with all of that. I'd like to think though, I've grown out of it to some degree and that's what I'm really, I'm inviting you to really notice. Is he in victim consciousness or is he in victor consciousness? Because a man ready to commit, he's in victor consciousness. Okay, number, oh, and one other thing, I should mention this. Men are ready to commit, they value healing, they have the inner, they've done the inner work and they have the tools to navigate their triggers that may cause them to react and their emotions be unregulated. A human being who has worked on their past, they're not also severely, there's not an exaggeration that happens for them when they get triggered. They're able to regulate their emotions more so than the person who's done little or no work. So that was number two, the broken man. Number three, their life isn't a mess. Their life isn't a mess. They have their act together. Have you been with, listen, after my divorce, I was a train wreck. My professional life was in the tank, my emotional state of being was a mess and it was fascinating to me. I would lead with how much of a mess my life was and women, you guys are such beautiful creatures. You think with that chakra up here that projects the future for us. Have you ever been with a man whose life was a mess, his professional life, his past relationships, maybe even with his children, not past relationships, but certainly with an ex or children or his health. If his life's a mess, he's gonna have a real, technical time to commit. Men who are serious about commitment, they have their act together. So if you've been with a man whose number three, his life is a mess, write that down was that the reason why he ended the relationship? I want to know because I suspect that has happened to many of you who are watching this broadcast today. I can already see the chat box already chiming in. Yes, I've had number three. And my invitation for you is by going through these seven things, if you can recognize these early on, you can avoid quite a bit of heartache. We are swimming in a sea of really insecure human beings out there in the dating marketplace. I mean, as much as everybody goes, I want a confident man, I want a confident man. Just remember, even the most alpha of alpha males isn't necessarily the best partner out there. I don't think James Bond, who is the quintessential alpha male is a really best sign for being a partner. John Wick was, but you know what? He wanted to get out of that life, okay? I think a person would have to want to get out of that life and actually dive into a relationship with someone. All right, number four. They value, they actually, okay, so a man who's ready to commit, he values his physical health and his emotional health. But so, I mean, his physical health, his body, which includes eating healthy. Men who don't really value physical health aren't necessarily potential good partners. They don't seem to value life. I want you to think about this. You know, I think it's rather important to invest a minimum of 30 minutes to an hour a day to our physical well-being to, and I'll put a forward slash our emotional well-being as well. I would say an investment of at least two hours a day for your physical well-being and your emotional well-being. Now, a lot of people say I don't have time for that, but I want you to understand that our life is predicated based on how we take care of our physical bodies, especially those of us in midlife. And if they're on medication, do they take it regularly? You know, I'm on medication, it's just a byproduct of my age. And so I take it regularly. I have my little pill box and I make sure I take it regularly and I walk four miles a day or I ride my bike 10 miles every three days. There's having, taking care of your physical health, tell someone you actually want to be in a committed relationship. And those that don't, oftentimes that becomes a problematic thing. So have you experienced number four, a man who doesn't value his physical and emotional health? Have you experienced number four? And was that the reason why? Handed the relationship. And let me include physical health means people that don't drink in excess, people that don't necessarily get high in excess. I'm all for a person having a cocktail and I'm all for smoking a joint every now and again. I live in California, so it's copacetic here. But are they doing things in excess? That's the things you should be paying attention to. I've witnessed many women who have missed this clue that they are with alcoholics or stoners and actually missed this clue and it was glaring in their face within the first few weeks of dating, but they chose to look past it. Have you experienced number four, the man who doesn't value his physical health? Number five, a man who is serious about relationship is not addicted to his phone and he's not addicted to his professional life. Let me repeat that. He's not addicted to his phone and he's not addicted to his professional life. I put these in the cat, I know they're not the same thing, but I put them in the same category. People that are addicted to their Instagram page, people that are addicted to their Facebook page, if they're constantly looking, I don't care if they look at, I have a professional capacity where I use social media and yet I am not overly addicted. I have a marginal addiction, I'll be own it. I've got a little bit one, but it's not an excessive one, okay? And I'm not addicted to my work. People that are addicted to their work, that's an avoidance mechanism, oftentimes to intimacy. People that are addicted to their professional life or their phones are avoiding intimacy with another person. They have very little time, they don't have balance in their life. Have you experienced number five, a man who is addicted to his phone, addicted to his professional life? Have you experienced number five, say yes, I experienced number five, a man who was addicted to those two things? I see this habitually right now. We can call these red flags, certainly, but at the same time, I've witnessed women because you have amazing chemistry with a guy. Oh my God, Jonathan, I had this most amazing chemistry with this guy. Our sex is off the charts. He tells me, good morning. He says, I love you. He says, I'm beautiful. All of his text messages is good morning, gorgeous. Good evening, gorgeous. He says, I'm thinking of you, you're so beautiful. Folks, there isn't a lot of depth in those types of text messages. I was just sharing with a client, and I'd probably share this at least five times a week, this meme that I think has a lot more depth. And I wanna share it with everyone. You've heard me talk about it before I'm gonna talk about it again. This is the kind of conversation that I invite you all to have. I hate small talk. I wanna talk about atoms, death, alien sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, far away galaxies, music that makes you feel different, memories, the lies you've told, your flaws, your favorite sense, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears. I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't wanna know, what's up, what's up? People that seem to be addicted to small talk. They're not, you know, small talk. They're phone, they're work. They don't oftentimes bring to the table a balanced life or depth. So if you've experienced number five, please let me know, write it down. Okay, number six, he's not a Debbie Downer or a complainer. Men who are ready to commit aren't Debbie Downers. They're not complainers. I've noticed that there are human beings, their subtle communication is always negative. You know, it's fascinating. My mother was this way. She always had a reason to complain about something. I think that's why it really rubs me the wrong way but there's some people that just, they just don't see the bright side in life. They always seem to find the negative. You know, what's interesting is my mother used to complain me of that but I really, it was just a projection of her own negativity. I think there's a significant percentage of people and as I've said in this broadcast, multiple times. We, here in the United States, we are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness. Victim consciousness, it is rampant in our social media, in our communications with people. It's nothing but complaining Debbie Downers. Or I guess, would it be Debbie Downer or David Downer? David Downer, excuse me, I used a feminine term for a man, but it's a David Downer. Have you experienced number six, that David Downer, that complainer? He's literally broadcasting that he's not capable of being in a committed relationship. Men don't show up, men who are fully ready to commit do not show up as David Downers. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. And number seven, number seven, Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. He's not closed off about his emotions. Men ready to commit are expressive with their feelings. Now, as I said before, this isn't expressive about their feelings about, oh my God, babe, you look so hot. Oh my God, babe, I'm thinking of you this morning. Oh my God, babe, you look so gorgeous. I can't wait to get into your pants. That's not expressing emotions. That's expressing hornyness. Hornyness is not a reflection of emotions. What's an expression of emotions? You know, when you can sit down with your partner and listen to how they had their day, offer some insights into how to make their day better, express appreciation, express gratitude, demonstrate it through cherishing a person, through your words, using the words, I love you. But most importantly, using the words of appreciation. I really appreciate you're in my life. I really appreciate that you take time to help me in my life. I appreciate that we're a team together. I am grateful, I appreciate it. Gratitude, grateful appreciation. Really accepting you for who you are, that is a demonstration of feelings and not the horny side that's driven by the penis. Oh my God, so many of you, you love the love bombing because it feeds that insecure part of you. But I'm here to say, you're thirsty, I suspect, to feel really safe with a man because he's expressive of his emotions. He's even expressive of his concerns and fears. He's bringing it to your attention because he wants to work through it. That's what a man does when he's ready for a commitment. And when you're with a man who doesn't share his emotions, he's closed off, he doesn't share his genuine feelings for you, that's a sure sign. He's probably going to exit the relationship at some point. Have you ever experienced number seven, a man who was an avoidant personality, a man who was emotionally constipated, a man who was emotionally unavailable, a man who wasn't able to express his emotions to you? If you've experienced this with a man, please write down, yes, I've had number seven in my life, and I won't accept that anymore. What's that from that movie? Anyway, we've just laid out the seven things. A man who's not going to commit, or a man who won't commit shows up because it's really the opposite of how the man who's ready to commit shows up. He's not going to complain about his ex. He's not going to lead with being broken. His life isn't a mess. He isn't, he's going to value health and his physical health and his emotional health. He's not addicted to his phone or his work. He's not a David Downer or complainer, and most importantly, he is not a closed human being. If you've experienced any of those, write that down and let me know. And the details that went with it and why, and did he use that as his exit strategy? Please let me know. All right, if you value, if you have something to say, post a comment below, I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you value what I've shared and you want some support, check out the links to a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out all the books I recommend. Follow me on Instagram, just to name a few. And if you could, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell as well. Thank you so much. All right, it's time for questions. If you have a question, write the word question and then post the question there after, or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little chat, a little dollar sign in the chat box. All of the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt. It's my son who passed away over five years ago in his honor. We donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and Seeds of Love. So if you have a question, either purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat or write the word question and then post the question there after, our goal tonight is to get $50 to donate. Every time I do a live stream, I want to collect $50. So let's hit that goal tonight with a Super Sticker Super Chat. All right, let's see what we have in the way of questions. Oh, we have lots of comments here. By the way, Redhead says, Jonathan, you have taught me so much. My dating has changed due to you. Ah, Redhead, big hugs of appreciation. Thank you so much. Looks like a lot of you experience number one or two or three or four or five or six or seven. Oh my gosh, sending you off a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug really says, or I don't know how to pronounce that, Ray, question. Do you think most men 70% can't communicate well? I've dated couples. I've dated couple serious relationships in the past and they freeze when minor relationship issues come up. Well, first off, I believe it is, I think women are just as poor at expressing their emotions as men. Now maybe, okay, now you're gonna disagree with me. Just because a woman can vomit her emotions to her friends doesn't necessarily mean she has a capacity to be seen, heard and understood by a man. I'm gonna get to your answer in a question, in a second. So I've noticed a significant percentage of women have duct tape over their mouth when it comes to expressing things to their partner for fear of losing the guy. So women are just as guilty of holding in their emotions because due to fear. And when, okay, so now let's differentiate. So let's say a woman's emotional capacity is this level and the man's emotional capacity is this level. Do you know what that space in between is called? Does anyone know what that space in between is called? That's called drama. Yes, people who are expecting this level of emotional IQ and they're with someone this level oftentimes create aggravating circumstances which is called drama. Okay, now coming back to your question. I do believe a significant percentage of human beings whether they have a penis or a vagina seem to have difficulty expressing their emotions. That's right. They have difficulty expressing their actual feelings. Men in particular happen to be rather emotionally constipated. It's not that they're not capable of it but we haven't been given, most men were taught to stuff their emotions, keep it stuffed in. We weren't allowed to be very expressive. So I do believe men and women combined can be very challenged when it comes to expressing their emotions. And I do believe there's a significant percentage of women who either vomit their emotions or create drama, but it doesn't mean it's healthy communication. And do you know how I know this? I will tell you, there is a show on Showtime called Couples Therapy. Has anyone seen the show Couples Therapy? This is where couples go into like real life therapy sessions, it's hidden cameras, but I will tell you, it's pretty legit. Now it's always this way. She's pointing the finger at him and he's pointing the finger at her. It's his fault, it's her fault. It's his fault, it's her fault, okay? By the way, when you point a finger, there's always three fingers pointing back at you. So when you watch the show, you will witness women who are terrible at communicating their feelings on the show. And I mean, habitually. And men actually tend to be more logical communicators and the therapist can track the man's, because the woman's all over the map. She's telling the story. She has to give every detail. It's like this detail and this detail and this detail and this detail. And the story is all over the map. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack where the guy's just usually boom, boom, boom, boom. Now this is just an interpretation I have, not because I'm a man. I've just witnessed this with women and believe me, I'm in a profession where I listen to women all day long talk. They ramble on incessant stories all over the map. Very hard to track women. So coming back to your original question, I do believe men and women are equally poor at communicating. This is why I recommend the book. I recommend two books. Excuse me. This book is called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend everyone checking it out. There's a link below to get a copy of the books I recommend. In addition, I hear you, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. I recommend getting these two books. Read it with your partner. If a man is having regular sex with you, if his penis is going inside your vagina on a regular basis, start doing this work. So you at least have a chance of having a successful relationship instead of this, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. You know, most people have mediocre conversations and as I expressed earlier on, I like atoms and death and I don't like small talk. All right, I hope you get the gist. Thank you, Ray, I hope that helped. All right, Alan, looks like we have a man in the house or maybe it's not a man. Can a man reject a woman and deny his feelings? Even if all the signals and vibes show the opposite, can a man reject a woman and deny his feelings? I don't really understand. This question seems a little convoluted for me. So I don't understand exactly. Maybe you can reword it in a way that makes a little bit more sense to me. So thank you so much. By the way, if you like this content, please hit that like button. Please share this video. And if you wanna join the hot seat, I just posted the link if you wanna get up on stage. All right, Alexandra just gave us a $5 super sticker. That means we're only $45 away from hitting our goal tonight, so thank you so much. NC says, after watching your video, I deleted his number. I do not need a man who does not fully commit but wants a friends with benefits. Yay to NC, nice eagle, way to go. Standing in your power, way to go. Everyone, let's give her some props. I'm honored to be able to support you. So thank you so much. We have a man in the house, Brad's in the house, thank you so much. Jennifer wants to remind us that men are taught to stuff their feelings, be a man and not express emotions. This is a fact. Yes, this is a fact. But then I will tell you, women equally might stuff their emotions, mostly in the area of fear of bringing something up because you're afraid he'll end the relationship. So it's equal, women do it, men do it. They just do it differently. All right, Evelyn wants to jump in and say, should I worry if my boyfriend says I love you when we are alone but not, but not, but around others say I miss you. But I don't like any time that you feel worry, anytime you feel worry in a relationship, that means it's time for communication. So you might want to ask, I notice this, instead of worrying about it, why not find out and ask, this is an example, ladies. Okay, as an example, you've got a concern but you're not bringing it up. Well, now Evelyn, I'm here to say, use your words, use your words, use your words. Okay, ask him and let us know. Shoot him a text, no, do it face to face in this particular case. All right, thank you so much for that. By the way, I want to give props to Tasha for the $10 Super Sticker. We now, if we're only $35 away from our goal tonight, so thank you so much. Lee has jumped in and says, do you feel that shy men who seem to slowly open up are capable of becoming emotionally constipated? Do you feel that shy men who seem slow opening up? You know what fascinates me? How men will be incredibly expressive when they're trying to get into your pants. But then after they've had sex, it seems like all of a sudden expressing emotions disappears. Why is that? Why is that? See what they're not expressing. See, I think a lot of you ladies confuse this conversation. See, most men after they have sex with you, they've gotten the goods from you and they can keep that going for a very long time. I think what's really the challenge is, I think what most of you are frustrated with is there's no direction towards serious commitment. There's no conversations. See, I don't think this is about expressing opening, being emotionally constipated. I think this is a lack of intentionality that you're mostly frustrated with. Tell me if I'm right. Tell me, Jonathan, you're absolutely right. It's not about his emotional IQ. It's about his intentionality, expressing, progressing the relationship. Folks, I believe this. I think most men, if they spend a significant amount of time with you within 90 to 180 days, they know whether or not they want to fully commit to you. Most men know within three to six months if they want to fully commit to you. They don't need much, if you spend a significant amount of time together, okay? If you're spending regular time together, they know who you are. You've gotten past the mask phase because most people in the first 90 days are in a mask. When you get to the 90 and 180 days, he knows who you are for the most part. So he should be progressing the relationship forward. I think that's Lee. I suspect that's your real frustration. I think that's most every woman's frustration is a lack of direction. Most guys are winging it these days because we don't have to commit. We don't. We don't have to commit to you. We can get, folks, if you're not familiar with my chart, I've shown this book so many times, okay? I've shown this chart many a times. Three types of people actively dating. You can see at the top, it says users, 20% in either direction, spenders and grower builders. Now users are those people seeking short-term game, love bombers, players, gold diggers, entitled people, selfish people. They don't usually last very long in the dating process. The grower and builders, they seek long-term commitment. They're emotionally grown up with good relationship skills. They have their act together. You're not questioning those guys. It's what I call the spenders. The reason why I call them spenders is they're spending time with you. They're getting occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex, no direction, uncertainty, fearful. Usually their life is in dysfunction, but they like spending time with you because you're filling a need. They're filling a need in the moment. I see so many of you just allowing that. Stop it, stop it, stop it. All right, hope that helped. By the way, I wanna give props to TXMom for the $19.99 Super Sticker, way to go. Let's give, let's show this off right here. Oh, we got another, oh, let's see. Right down here, folks, there are so many questions. I wanna give props to her. We are only $10, wait, 15 and 20, 35. We're $15 away from our goal, okay? $15 away, no, we're only $10 away from our goal. Excuse me, I'm currently healing from a breakup and learning a lot from you. Thank you so much for your, Texas Mom, big hugs and thank you, really appreciate it. All right, wow, we got a lot of questions here. Let's go back up to here. Sorry if I missed a couple of yours. By the way, who wants to be brave enough to join the hot seat tonight? And I can be a little tough. Judy wants to let us know I met a man online and both of us wanna pursue a long distance relationship. Any advice? Prayer, lots of prayer. Okay, folks, really quickly. Long distance dating usually ends up in the long distance breakup. People that don't have a game plan of how to take the distance into a shorter environment, shorter environment rarely succeed. Number two, they have to have lifestyles that are blendable with one another. Number three, the person who most likely moved should have a full life where she's moving to. If she doesn't have a full life where she's moving to, it puts all the pressure on the other person to support the emotional wellbeing and everything for that person's life. That can be another problematic thing. Also, it takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust, but it takes more like 200 to 300 hours of face-to-face time. And that doesn't include telephone time and that doesn't include the time you're in the bubble. Okay, when you get together, you have this great, oh my God, we had this amazing weekend. We went to a concert. Oh my God, it was so wonderful. We had a great time. We smoked cigars together. We danced. We laughed. We played. That's bubble. That time doesn't count in building trust. See, trust happens through the teamwork areas of your life and this isn't over the telephone. Telephone relationships don't yield success. Rarely do they yield success. So I just want to give you that insight. And I have a video that's called Long Distance Relationships. You can check that out. By the way, I wanna thank Kathy King for the $10 Super Sticker. And I wanna thank Cecilia. And her question is, what are some different reasons for emotional intimacy being important? Cecilia, thank you for the $20 Super Sticker. We hit our goal. We're now at $70. Let's reach 100 tonight to donate to a couple causes. So Cecilia, I highly recommend checking out the book Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. But Jonathan, all you do is recommend books. I have to read these books to learn something. Listen, you can't learn emotional intimacy in an hour long video. It requires doing the exercises, exercises, exercises, exercises. It takes time to build that muscle to learn how to, by the way, many of you, by the way, remember I said earlier, women have a capacity to vomit their emotions? I think really understanding your feelings or emotions, I don't think women are as good at it as they think they are. I think you have a capacity to, like I use the term vomit. I know that sounds kind of crass, but I'm here to say you guys are no picnic either. Trust me, as a man, I've been with you guys, ladies. You are no picnic. You're not all that perfect at expressing yourself. This is why I recommend reading all the various books so you can become better at this. And that's my invitation for you. All right, thank you, Cecilia. Let's reach that $100 goal. We have another $30 to go. All right, let's keep going. All right, Nadine has a question. Do you agree when women communicate have a high IQ but the man doesn't? He views it as nagging and then complains that she whines too much and then shuts them down? No, I don't believe that's the case. I do believe when a human being can properly, properly express their emotions in a very sincere, heartfelt way, only a person that criticizes that is a person emotionally shut down. And if a person's emotionally shut down, they probably will not make a good long-term partner. See, every woman says to me, Jonathan, I wanna have good communication. I wanna have good communication. I want communication. You have to learn how to communicate. Both women has to learn how to express in a way that's seen, heard and understood. And a man has to be in the capacity to listen, validate the other person's feelings, acknowledge the other person's feelings and share their own feelings in a way that's seen, heard and understood. Let me repeat that. Listen to the person's feeling, listen to the other person, acknowledge what the person says, validate that that is true for them, validate that it is true for them and then communicate their own emotions in a way that's seen, heard and understood. That's what I'd like to invite everyone to begin learning to do. So when a man does that, probably he's not capable of having a grown-up relationship. He has weak emotional maturity and weak relationship skills, most likely in that case. Hey, we've got some really good news to announce. I'm really excited to share something. We just hit over, I just want to say Cecilia just gave us a $50 super sticker. We are well over $120 tonight. Let's shoot for 150. Thanks, Jonathan. My ex-boyfriend says I break them with words. You made my day. Wow, you just made my day. We got a lot of money to donate. I've got some exciting news to offer either the Hoffman processor Insight Institute. Way to go, Cecile. That's very generous of you. Hey everyone, can we give her a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of appreciation? Kathy wants to remind, acknowledge, validate is so important. You have to acknowledge the other person's point of view is being true for them. You got to acknowledge that it's true for them. All right, NYC wants to give hugs, way to go. Lots of hugs are being shared. All right, let's keep going. Mika wants to say question. Jonathan, what is your insight of a spender-grower-builder phase? I feel in between in some phases of my life due to my lifestyle obligations. You know, a lot of people are right on the cusp of spender. The challenge is you either, okay. So I shared something publicly. You know, recently I had Rabbi Manis Friedman on our channel, on the channel when we talked about the importance of marriage. And it occurred to me that, you know, shortly after my divorce, the last thing I wanted to do was get remarried. Just didn't want to do it. That lasted for a decade or so. Then I got to a point, I go, you know, I look good. I'm getting in my fifties now. It's time to maybe change your mind. I've been divorced for a decade and a half. And I thought, you know what? I'd like to get remarried. But then I had an interesting awareness. And that was, I want to be a husband. I want to be a husband. What does that mean? I want to be a partner to someone. When you operate from how you want to operate. Like I know clearly I want to be a husband. I want to be a partner to someone. I demonstrate that in my actions, my words, my, you know, the way I show up. I'd like to think I do that anyway. And so you need to be with someone who also wants to be, whether if you're a woman, you want to be a wife, a partner to someone. And you want to be with a man who wants to be a partner to someone. If you're still in the spender phase, you're not, I really, the grower builder says, I want to be a partner to someone. And they only choose people that want to be a partner with them. That takes about, sometimes it takes a year to figure this out. You know, it's not going to happen on the first, second, third, or fourth, or fifth, or sixth, or seventh, or eighth, or ninth, 10th, eighth. But at some point you have to reach that within the, you know, as I said before, you have to reach that point where you want to be in partnership with someone. And so that's what I want. So if you're in that phase of spender, it's going to be challenging at that point. Does that help Mika? I hope it does. All right. Hey, who wants to be bold enough to be on the hot seat tonight? Do wandering eyes cheat? No, they don't. Look, I'm a guy. I look at, in my relationship, we openly laughed at sometimes whether we were watching TV or something like that, where we saw someone attractive, even been out in public and expressed how that person looks attractive. I think it's natural. I think it's more, I think it's healthy to share it with your partner that you've done it rather than being in secret. But here's the thing I invite you. Why do, what does a wandering eye mean? Well, if a couple isn't happy in their physical intimacy, if they're not happy with emotional intimacy, that wandering eye most likely could turn into something serious. Is it indicative? Absolutely not. But I will tell you that if there's weakness in the relationship, it probably could be indicative of something that could be a problem later on down the road. But it doesn't necessarily have to be, people that have good emotional intimacy, they have good sexual chemistry with one another. Unless they are, well, okay. There are some sex addicts that they literally need to get sex all the time from anyone that they can get a hold of. Or there are some people so insecure that the moment they're not having sex with their partner, they gotta have it somewhere else. They're on Instagram, they're sliding into the DMs to see who they can hook up with. So anyway, those things do happen. Ena wants to say, Jonathan, that color looks great on you. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. Jennifer wants to remind everyone, I love the Rabbi Freeman video. It was profound. Thank you so much. I had a lot of fun doing that one. Julianne says, oops. How important is chemistry really? Can chemistry and sexual attraction be created out of nothing? That's a great question. So let's pull up the relationship iceberg, everyone. All right. The top of the watermark or top of the waterline, the tip of the iceberg is chemistry. That's the first thing we see is chemistry. We know this right away. The difficult part is really a relationship success is based on compatibility. Shared values, blendable lifestyles and most importantly, emotional maturity. So if you're operating, if you have shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity, the chemistry actually can potentially grow over time. I've witnessed women who have told me, and I quote, I wasn't attracted to my guy on the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eighth. But something changed. See, when you build real emotional intimacy, when you really share the same values, when your lifestyles are blendable with one another, we oftentimes stop focusing on the surface aspects and start looking at a person's heart. So let me tell you a quick story. I was at something called the Hoffman process. Everyone, this was the book I recommend, but I actually went to the retreat, okay? Eight days. Now, when I got there, there was 20 men and 19 women. And you're not allowed to share people what you do for a living. So we interact with people, but a lot of it's your own work, okay? Now, really quickly, I wanna share with you, you do get to share what you do for a living at the second last day. And I got up on stage. I said, I'm a dating and relationship coach for women, yadda, yadda, yadda. And later that evening at the Jacuzzi, and it was this 30 person Jacuzzi, I'm sitting there and all the women were surrounded me. And they were like, Jonathan, I wanna ask you questions. I wanna ask you questions when the guys were flipping me off. Okay, at the end, one of the women came to me and she said, Jonathan, I wanna tell you a story. When I got here, I looked around the room and I noticed two men I was attracted to. Remember, there were 20 men and 19 women. And she goes, you and a guy who looked like the Marlboro man. I swear to God, this guy just rugged, kind of a Sam Elliott kind of look, okay? And she said to me, after this experience, I would date the 18 other men. I thought, wow. And she goes, you know what? When you get to see a person's heart, the looks don't matter as much. So coming back to the question, I think sometimes men are driven by their penises, but I think women can be driven by their vaginas too. And I think what's most important, are you driven by the heart? Are you driven by the heart? That's just my invitation. At the end of the day, men who are emotional grownups, they might be driven by their penis, but I tell you, they choose a woman based on the heart. And that's a fact. All right, Alexandra's in the house. Hello, can you hear me? I don't know if you can hear me. Sorry. I can hear you. Okay, I had a comment on the chemistry. Sure. It's a no, it's a no, no. You can't make chemistry out of nothing. So, well, I think that what I was addressing is that you can follow, by the way, falling in love with someone doesn't have to be based on chemistry. That's what I was addressing. I think chemistry is actually something, I think a lot of people have walls up in the early stage of dating, they blocking chemistry. I think when the heart, when the walls come down, that opens the field for chemistry. So I don't think it's about making it out of nothing. I think it's about opening your heart. I will tell you that I've witnessed so many women who are walking wounded birds that have such closed hearts that I think that's part of the reason why they're not experiencing chemistry with men. Now, by the way, I'm not here to suggest men aren't closed in their hearts too. Believe me, this is an epidemic for both men and women alike, but I do believe when your heart is open, chemistry can follow. Recently, I- Do you agree or disagree with me? I agree with you, but my recent experience, I have been following you for a while. Let me just say something. You can't say I agree with you and then use the word but. That's true, I agree with you. I agree with you and there was one simple circumstance that's unique that didn't happen, but that doesn't negate what I just said. The but negates everything. Okay, so I do agree with you and I followed your advice and I met an amazing man and we did things exactly as the program says we should do things and did it for everything you've taught me, all the books I've read about not having sex, taking time to get to know each other. We were very much aligned. Both of us were looking for a partner mate. We very compatible on blendable lifestyles. Pretty much everything was perfect. How many dates did you have? We dated for six months. I mean, we actually worked together too and that's worked out well, but unfortunately there's, I mean, we're attracted to each other. We get along, we're compatible, but when we tried to become intimate, there was zero chemistry between us. So we broke it off. So let's be clear. Let's differentiate. The sex wasn't good. Is that what you're saying? We never even got that far. It's just kissing and holding hands was okay. Did you ever see the movie of revenge of the nerds? Yes, I did. I was hoping for that. The movie when the nerd had sex with the cheerler and she goes, oh my fucking God, he's great in bed. If you guys never got that far, how do you know it wasn't gonna be good? Because we tried. Okay. So yeah, unfortunately, and it just, it was, well, and it's just for me. It wasn't just for him. There was just no chemistry. There was no sexual, no desire. It was like very comfortable and compatible and wonderful and we'd have a great time together. But once the heat got turned up, we both went flat. There was just- So let me ask you a question. Was it pleasurable? At first, yes, but then it became painful, almost like awkward. Okay. So yeah, I know. So I'm just glad. And the reason that's why I wanted to, yeah. That's why I wanted to speak out. We're differentiating about sexual compatibility. The one chemistry can be rather complicated. How people view it. Sometimes people view it based on physical attraction. In this particular case, you're using it about sexual chemistry. I do believe that people, by the way, most married couples have vanilla sex at some point, you know, like it just becomes vanilla, but it's important to have physical intimacy on a regular basis. It's a shame that is this relationship over? Yes, it is. And we are friends. And what I learned through this process was that even though you may run across somebody who as through what we've learned on how to vetting and how to get to know somebody and be open and genuine and authentic and transparent and even read eight date gel. I mean, this boy absorbed everything, loves it, is probably following you right now. But there is that chance that it might not work still with all the dots on the eyes. Right now. So here's the thing. And you know what, I want to address this because you bring up something. And I learned this through my son recently as well. He was in a relationship with a woman for almost six months and he said to me, and he liked this person, they got along great. There was so many things in common, but he said, I'm just not feeling I'm in love with her. I think we confuse sometimes the word chemistry. I think falling in love is somewhat, what's the word I'm looking for? Not arbitrary, but it's elusive. I think two people can be well suited for one other, but they don't fall in love with each other. One person falls in love and the other person doesn't. I do believe that happened. Whether it's a reflection of chemistry, whether it's a reflection of blocks going on, maybe it's a misalignment, whatever it is, I do believe that there is an elusive part to all of this that we can't identify. And I believe that that's what was missing, yeah. Yeah, and I would say that I believe that usually happens when there's some fear or some block going on inside a person. I think that oftentimes there's a childhood wound, a trauma, an adult trauma that doesn't allow them to truly open their heart fully or maybe they can't fully open their heart. So I don't know, I mean, again, we can say chemistry, we can say love, it can be a number of different things, but I do believe two people can spend close to a year together and still not get there. That's possible. They can get close. And you can be kind. I will tell you, because you do always say that if things don't work out, you can lead with love and you can be compassionate and caring and honest and still maintain really good friends and just sometimes it just doesn't happen and it's okay. That's good. But I mean, can you turn chemistry on nothing? I'm just here to say, I've witnessed so many women right from the get-go say I wasn't attracted to a man and something changed. That's what I'm talking about. And that's what I was addressing with that question. Well, I hope that happens, yeah. All right, can I give you a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrog of appreciation. Happy awesome, thank you. Thank you so much. All right, bye now. All right, NYC wants to say that Alexandra you are so beautiful, thank you so much. I agree, what a sweet lady. Not like that woman that was giving me a lot of grief the other day. She wouldn't, that's interesting. Someone said she was gaslighting me and I thought about that. I was being sincere and spoke the truth. Anyone watched the video from a couple days ago and she kept saying I was wrong. Like she's telling me I'm a liar. Like you don't have any proof of it. All you have is a projection, but you don't have proof of it. And that was a really interesting experience. So folks, I didn't, by the way, I do not handle confrontation well. Typically I sometimes lose it. I was kind of getting really hot under the collar in this particular case. Does anyone remember it? That was a really interesting experience. I tried to handle it as diplomatically as I could, but I will tell you I really wanted to tell her to F off and she doesn't need to follow me anymore. So anyway, to find out if there's, if you have a question, does anyone want to join the hot seat before we wrap up tonight? We got time for one more person if you're respectful. Kathy wants to say soul sexy. What I'm hearing in the hot seat is a choice. It's not a choice, less a constant effort. It may not be a match. You know what? We can't predict love. Can't predict that, that intangible, wherever that is, that intangible, sometimes two people can care for one another deeply and still not get there. It happens. Sometimes the early stage of chemistry, the early stage of limerence, the early stage of lust does confuse us and we can become attached to a person. But at the end of the day, it takes, I interviewed Ariel Ford who wrote the book. Actually, here's a copy of her book, her new book called The Love Thief, The Love Thief. I love this book. Oh my God, folks, go check out the links below to my book recommended, click on the links there. Check out The Love Thief. I've rarely read a book in two sittings. I read this right away, but she said, love is a behavior. It's a choice, you know? And I struggle with that because I think giving love is a choice, but I think really caring deeply for another, so much so that you want them in your life for the rest of your life. Sometimes that's an intangible. And a lot of times there's something else blocking that person to getting there. Okay. Hey, Elizabeth is in the house and she wants to say, I went on initial appointment with a therapist. It should be evident on the first encounter if someone is a good fit. I was feeling completely comfortable. You know what? I am not the predictor of who's a good or bad therapist. I cannot give you, I think if you resonate with someone, keep working with them. If you don't resonate with them, don't work with them. That's just my belief system. So if you felt comfortable, that's a great sign. Julianne wants to say, love is a daily choice. I agree. Levity says, or Liberty. I just started following you and I appreciate all your wonderful advice. Thank you so much. Does anyone have a question before we get to the ending of tonight? Oh, Hazelize wants to say, you handled her well. Hmm. Believe me, I didn't feel like I handled her well. That was not comfortable for me. Love is a behavior, the actions not the talk shows all. I believe it's a combination of action words. I do believe that. Let's keep going. Julianne wants to know what days do I go live? I typically go Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, typically. Oh, wait, wait a minute. Kathy wants to say, we cannot predict love. So true. We cannot predict love, but it's not sufficient. Love is necessarily, but not sufficient. I'm not sure what that means, but I do agree. I think I agree. Okay, Cecilia, you have been a generous person. Do you know folks, Cecilia has donated over $90 tonight to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. We are gonna end on her note. Thank you for the love. We really appreciate it, big hugs. Sometimes it's limerence, other times it's infatuation. Ultimately, the theme of the individual's mind and prescriptions is described, but hard to describe. One challenge may be empathy. You know what, folks? I really do believe. You know, two people, I think it's rare. I think two people can be joined together. They can experience a good life together. I think two people could be miserable together. I think two people can be extraordinary together. But I do believe love requires having an open heart, healing your childhood wounds, your traumas, your adult traumas, and having an open heart. I think when two open hearts come together and they truly see one another, see. Does anyone remember the movie Avatar? I see you. What is intimacy? Intimacy, into me you see. Into me you see. I think when two people have open hearts, they've done the work. They can meet one another and they can see one another. That is possibly a glorious relationship. So I invite that in for you and for me, everyone. God, universe, spirit. I invite in that juicy, delicious relationship where there's amazing physical attraction and chemistry with one another. Let's start with that. And our communication is off the chart and our communication is respectful one another. It's flirty with one another. It's balanced. We listen and acknowledge each other. And when we have bumps in the road, we actually hold hands through the process. It is not about being right, it's about being happy. That's the way our communication is. Our compatibility is because we can blend lives with one another. And it's easy and we're both agreeable personalities. Yes. And we share the same values. We above all put integrity as one of our top values. Do our best to honestly communicate our feelings. We set that as up as a top value. We value partnership with one another. That is a top value in our life. And lastly, we build the deep roots of trust that can sustain the relationship when we have bumps in the road and through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy. I invite that in for everyone else and myself as I'm saying this out loud, God universe spirit, I invite that in. How do you like that one? How do you like those apples? Do you agree with my prayer? Let me know. Say, Jonathan, I love your prayer. Folks, you can go back and listen to it and copy it if you wish. Yay, Cecilia says, NYC said, love it. We can claim it, amen. Ah, folks, okay. I think this will be a great place to wrap up for tonight. Did you find value? If you did, please post a comment below, share your thoughts. If you wanna connect with me, check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Follow me on Instagram. Check out all the books I recommend and all that good stuff. And if you found value in this, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of all videos. And also check out my clips channel. I always post it on the community page. Check out my short clips that I'm posting now on my clips channel. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm gonna reach, ooh, look at those pit stains. I'm gonna reach in the camera and give you hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow. Give inner them a hug of love. Because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Hey, roller girls in the house and Julene and Liberty and Day and Alexandra and Lynn and Elena and Lena and Rachel and Julien. I think I said that Sherry, Jennifer, Kathy, King, Evelyn, Brian, Mar-Facebook members, Maria, let's see, McCoy, Rachel, everyone that's in the house, big hugs, and Cecilia, big props to you. Thank you for the love. We appreciated those $90 of love that you sent and everyone else that donated big hugs to you. Thank you so much. Julien gave me a pit stain. Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug. All right, thanks everyone. Be well.