 The Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. That's around us here today. Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. It's a little past noon, and so far it's been an ordinary day. At the home of Ivy's president, Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall, and his wife, the former Victoria Cromwell of the English Theatre, Dr. Hall is just entering the living room where he meets Penny, their maid servant, and says, Hello, Penny. Will you tell Mrs. Hall, please, that I'm ready to eat now? Mrs. All, ain't it, sir? She got a message to please come quick to a rehearsal of the Junior Follies about two hours ago. Oh, yes, yes, the Junior Follies. She said I was to inform you as soon as you wasn't quite so busy with your book. Thank you, Penny. You've been busy with that book a long time, haven't you, sir? Yes, over three years. Cool. Fancy that. Over three years on one book. If I may say so, sir, I read much faster than you do. Penny, I'm not sure. The secret is, don't stop to form each word with your lips. Yes, Penny, I... You'll find it's also a great help if you run your finger along the page under the lines as you go. I'll practice, Penny, thank you. Quite welcome, sir. Any time at all. I'll answer the door, sir. Yes, Penny, do please. No, sir, she's not. Ask them in, Penny. Come in, sir. A gentleman to see Mrs. All, sir. Oh, good afternoon. I am Dr. Hall. Is there anything I can do? Oh, thanks, Doctor, but I don't think so. Oh, I hope I'm not disturbing you. I should have phoned from the air terminal, but I'm in a terrible rush. My name's Panero. Won't you sit down, Mr. Panero? Oh, thank you. I know Vic has ever mentioned me to you. I'm an old friend, broker into show business. Oh, yes, of course, you're Artie Panero. The same. Well, she's often told me about you and the act you used to do. Panero and crumble, wasn't it? That's right, Panero and crumble, those two funny people. Is that clock right up there? Yes, sir, right up there. How do you get down off an elephant? You don't get down off an elephant, you get down off a duck. Yes, yes. I've often heard of the supposed difference between English and American humor, Mr. Panero. The understatement of one and the exaggeration of the other. But if you were quoting from Panero and crumble, those two funny people. Oh, if you mean that a jammed tart smack in the face is not very funny, but gets laughed at by everybody, doctor, I agree with you. Oh, keep it simple is what I tell everybody on my way to the bank. Yeah. Your Vic's husband, I take it, eh? Happily I am. I was never sure. I've been in Australia a little recently. Are you in the business? The business of what? I mean, are you in show business too? Oh, no, no, no. I'm the president here. Well, I have been out of touch. Whatever became of Truman. Mr. Panero, you don't understand. I am the president of this college, Ivy College. Oh, oh yes, of course. And Mr. Truman, I believe, is quite well and still in the White House. His lease is good through most of 1952. Well, it's not for me to criticize your customs. I was vicky. You know, it's been a dog's age since I last saw her. Prettiest kid I ever knew and the nicest and the most talented. How is she? Well, I think she's better than ever, Mr. Panero. Although I must admit to a slight prejudice in her favor. And that great sense of timing for a comedy line. Her timing is, as always, admirable. And is she still... Oh, I know I'm being inquisitive, but I've got a good reason for asking. Well, has she got... Well, I mean... Does she bulge? Only where bulging is, shall we say, architecturally desirable. But, again, I am prejudiced, Mr. Panero. May I ask the reason for this research? Well, you see, I have something most important to talk over with her. Can you imagine it might be important to me too, Mr. Panero? Oh, of course it would, but I don't know if you'd understand it the way vicky would. Well, why not try me? Well, you see, Doctor, once you've been mixed up in our business, you're never quite satisfied with anything else. You're never quite as happy as when you had grease paint on your face and were complaining about your lines. Do you think that applies to everyone? Oh, yes, I do, everyone. You feel, then, that Victoria might be unhappy here at Ivy? Oh, no, wait a minute, Doctor, I didn't say she was unhappy. It's just that she can't help missing the theatre any more than you could help missing this library full of books. Not at all sure that I agree with you, but I do understand your point. Every profession has a magnetism for its most competent practitioners, which is almost irresistible. But why this sudden concern for Victoria's happiness? Forgive me, Doctor, but I talk better when I walk around. Well, this is why I need her. I need her badly. Well, in the question of need, Mr. Panera, no one needs her as badly as I do with, if you'll pardon me, a certain priority. I know, I know, but this is show business. Now, I produced a musical review down in Australia 1946 that's still running to packed houses. I wonder if the quiet of the campus has been deadly for her. My show is called Sydney's Harbour. It was such a hit down there that I bought a company to England last year and it's still running there. I wonder if all the happiness she's given me has left her with none of her own. Now, my point is, Doctor, next month I'm opening Sydney's Harbour in New York. I've been an idiot, so content with my own luck that I... And I would like Vicky to play the lead. Well, did you hear me, Doctor Hall? I would like Vicky to play the lead. The lead, yes, yes, of course. The lead, naturally. Mr. Panero. Yes? Would you mind giving me a few hours on this? I'd like to think about it quite seriously and then may I phone you. I know that Victoria will be most anxious to see you. Why, certainly only I... I don't have too long. Oh, could I drop around again about, say, six? Six, Mr. Panero, and thank you. Thank me? Whatever for, Doctor Hall? For reminding me of something I had forgotten. Hello, my darling, how did it go? Oh, if there's ever a junior folly's at all, I shall be amazed. You should have been there this morning, set falling down and fuses blowing all over the place. Orchestrations missing actors going up on their lines. The director tearing it and screaming. Everyone hysterical was weak before opening jitters. It was heavenly. Well, it sounds... it sounds quite hellish to me at begging for one. You've never been in show business. It was meat and drink to me. Just what the doctor ordered. Vicki, do you find yourself missing the theatre terribly? I mean, do you ever have any regrets? Regrets? Of course not, Toddy. What kind of talks that? Well, after all you were at the height of your career when I met you. And the life we lead here, well, it's so different from the life you've had. Toddy, this is the height of my career right now. Every moment of it. I think you sacrificed a great deal. Would you think that you sacrificed what might have been a great political career by marrying an actress? Well, you remember what that congressman told you, that you might have been a presidential log? The phrase, my dear, is timber, not log. Although in some cases, log is the more descriptive term. Particularly when you realize that a log is difficult to handle, has a great affinity for a stump, and is most useful when dead. But, oh dear, dear, I'm digressing. No, Vicki, of course I don't regret it. Well, then there you are. We might each have been something else if we never married, but we did, and we're happy, and that's the essential thing. And you don't ever wish you were back? No, Toddy, darling, grease, paint, and fiddles tuning up in the pit, will always make my nostrils quiver in my ears, Twitch. That's why I love coaching these college shows. There's a little harmless smoke that keeps the old firehorses happy. Firehorses, indeed. Please, you are speaking of the woman I love. But seriously, Vicki, and the women's magazine's notwithstanding, marriage is not really a career. In its original meaning, the word career meant a gallop, a gamble, a frisk. Marriage is not a gallop, it's a pleasant anvil. It's also a serious partnership and a serious business, life. It can coexist with a career only with a most scrupulous balance of interests. Hey, what are you trying to tell me? Mr. Paniero is in town. No! Artie? Well, whatever is he doing here? Where is he? At the inn. He'll be back here about six. Oh, how wonderful. I'll call him right this minute. I told him you were most anxious to see him. Why am I? I can't wait. Oh, you told him? Yeah, yes, he was here. Toddie? Yes, my dear? Does he want me to go back to the theatre? Suppose you talk to him? Marriage, my darling, is not a career. William, are you trying to get rid of me? No, now, Vicki, is it? Are you sending me back to the grease-painted footlights? No, now, Vicki, I could... Have you decided that the mattress's place is on the stage and never to darken your doors no more? Oh, I out in the snow with my shawl in my baby. Ah! My darling! I haven't really tried to see both sides of the question. Well, I've made my decision. You have? Yes, I'm going. You are? Certainly. But this deafening public camera in my ears, how can I refuse the call of duty? I'm going. Going? I'm going to phone Artie. He's convinced you that I should go back to the theatre. Now he's going to try and convince me. And let me tell you, Vicki, what's that peculiar look in your eye? Just speculation, my darling. I think I shall meet Mr. Pineru on the front steps with a loaded pistol. I have just invented a new crime, Pineruoside. And in court I can say that everything suddenly went black. And believe me, Vicki, I can think of nothing blacker than the prospect of losing you to a jar of makeup. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. An experience like that usually has a story behind it. So before we return to the Halls of Ivy, let's hear the story of a new house, the couple who moved into it, and a tour of inspection by their next door neighbor that stopped almost before it started. I am the next door neighbor, a fact for which I'm deeply grateful since it led to my first taste of Schlitz beer. But to begin at the beginning, my neighbors had just finished getting their new home in order and wanted me to come over and give the place my approval. I went in through the back door and was led into the stainless steel splendor of a modern kitchen. There, with love in their eyes, my new neighbor showed me the miracle of automatic dishwashing, the efficiency of their new stove and the amazing capacity of their new refrigerator. At that point, the tour of inspection came to an abrupt halt. For the refrigerator was well stopped with Schlitz beer. Somehow I'd never gotten around to trying Schlitz before, though I'd heard a lot of good things about it. My curiosity must have shown because my neighbor took out a couple of bottles of Schlitz and poured a glass for me. I drank and I realized right then and there what I'd been missing. Neighbor I said, although I've been no farther than your kitchen, I can tell you this. If the rest of your house is in as good taste as the beer you serve, then believe me, you've made a sound investment. No wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. When we rejoin the halls of Ivy, we find Dr. Hall talking to his wife, who's just had a fine offer to return to the theater. Vicki. Yes, dear? You know, quite sincerely, I don't understand in a way if you decide to take a sabbatical of your own. If you do think you'd like to get back in harness, as it were, I know how one can become infatuated with one's own profession, even mine prosaic as it may seem in comparison to footlights and first nights. There are times when I positively thrill to the smell of all books. I remember we were joking about it once, about inventing a perfume for the wives of faculty members. We were going to call it essence of worm-eaten volumes. You might even call it ode de Voltaire. Oh, my God. But as for your absence for a few weeks, disrupting my life, well, I shall miss you, of course, but I can manage. Oh, you can, you can. Well, I mean, after all, I'm not a stereotyped, absent-minded professor. No, I know. You're probably the most present-minded professor there is. Well, thank you, my dear. So... Todd, now, look, I had a wonderful life in a theater, but I have a wonderful life with you here, and I never want anything to change that. Nothing ever will, Victoria, as far as I'm concerned. I can only repeat a phrase Mark Twain placed in the mouth of Adam, about Eve. Wherever she is, there is Eden. Excuse me, sir, a young lady's calling. Miss Keating. Keating? Oh, it's some Sally Keating. Sure, Impenny. Yes, Mum. Sally Keating, that's a familiar name. She's the lead in the junior follies. I don't know exactly what to... Oh, come on, come on in, Sally. William, you've met Sally Keating, I'm sure. Well, yes, indeed. Please sit down, Miss Keating. I understand you're the leading lady in the junior follies. Good heavens, what did I say? Sally. Now, Sally, what is it? Sally, now tell me. He threw me out of the show. No. Uh, Squiffy? Miss Keating, it's Dick Lester, class of 51. He's the director. Give her your hand, Mr. William. Now stop it, Dad. Tell me what happened. Squiffy was choking Larry. What's that? You mean throttling him? Does Squiffy ever match to them? Oh, not a what. It's Bobo Cleary. She's the head electrician. Oh. Now, now, Sally, stop it now. Now, stop it at once. I'm sure you're not really out of the show. Is this what you meant week before opening jitters? That's it. Oh, dear. Is it always like this? Of course not. This is serene compared to the general run of things. Now, Sally, stop that and listen to me. They're behaving like a child. It's a very good and funny show and the songs of some of the pairs I've ever heard. And you'll be fine opening night. You know it as well as I do. Now, I want you to run along home and douse your face with cold water. And then I'll meet you in the auditorium in an hour. Well, all right, Mrs. Hall. I'm scared to death about opening night. Well, good for you. You should be. I always was, too. It proves we have emotions. What good is an actress without emotions? Goodbye, Miss Keating. Poor happy child. All upset and enjoying every heart-throbbing dramatic moment of it. Enjoying it? You really mean that? She's enjoying every tear that runs down that pretty face. Yes, I suppose that's right. I've often thought that young people were purposely designed to be intensely emotional, out of all proportion, to the moment at hand. Then, in later life, when they meet real problems, their feelings have been tempered to withstand the sharp edge of disaster. You must have found that out from observation, Toddy, not experience. I can't imagine you being very upset emotionally. Oh, my, my equilibrium was fairly good, Vicki, until I met you. You mean I tipped you over? Well, it's a matter of strict historical fact, my darling. The full impact of my being tipped over struck me about the third night we had dinner together in that dim little restaurant in Soho. Oh, yeah, I remember. It was a little French place. Oh, I mean, you know, Greek or all of them combined, I think. Yes, I had a conviction as I sat there and saw the candlelight experimenting with your eyelashes, that this was a moment to remember. Dear and dear, for visiting American, you do find the most delightful places to take me? Well, thank you, Victoria, but most of them are rather ordinary places which become delightful by reason of your arrival. Oh, with this little restaurant, I never saw it before or even heard of it. Oh, my ingenuity has an economic basis. This place looked quiet, clean and inexpensive. You know, I've been prowling around this district quite a bit. Yes, Soho, it is interesting, isn't it? Intensely, the very name. Soho, a fox hunting term, you know. Is it really? Yes, this was originally a fox hunting country. And Soho was the huntsman's cry to call off the hounds. And later on, when the Edict of Nantes was revoked, this was the refuge of thousands of French Huguenots and others escaping from the French Revolution. Thus, through the centuries, Soho has become London's foreign colony. Thank you. That's all right, darling. The bus leaves the Marble Arch at two o'clock. I should be very happy to be honest. But how on earth did you know all this? I've been here all my life and I never knew this thing. Oh, it's nothing. Strangers always know more about a country than the natives. When we get to America, what did I say? You said, when we get to America, we, you said, I heard you distinctly. I'm sorry, I had no right to presume that... I mean, forgive me. No. You must. My thoughts, my hopes ran away with my tongue. Sitting here, watching your face. And I don't think I should ever want to eat another meal, except by candlelight. Victoria. Yes, dear? I think I must be a little mad to think as I've been thinking. Here am I, an American professor on his sabbatical with neither fortune nor fame in his bucket. Having the unutterable presumption to hope that a reigning star of the London Theatre would... Would what? Would... Would you care for more coffee? No, thank you, William. Oh, nothing more to... Well, Vicky. Vicky, darling, you haven't eaten a thing. Look at your plates. Look at your own. What, what? Didn't you like the dinner? Did I choose a bad restaurant? William, dear, how could either of us possibly eat? You've been holding my hand ever since we sat down. I have? Oh, good heavens. Oh, Victoria, I, I, I am sorry. No, no, I'm not. I'm going to do it again on every possible occasion. Do what, sir? Hold your hand like this. Well, thank you, sir. Very carnious, sir. But don't you think that... William, it's Penny. You're holding Penny's hand. Of course I am. William and Penny, the two happiest people in the world. Oh, what have I... Penny, let go of my hand. Yes, sir. Gladly, sir. You're pinching my ring into my fingers, sir. I beg your pardon. I thought I was... What was it you wanted, Penny? Mr. Pinero is here. Pinero? Oh, yes. Show him in, Penny. Yes, sir. That way, sir. Off again on one of your little excursions, Tony. Yes, I guess I was. Was I with you this time? You're always with me, my darling. My excursions, as you call them, always go for two tickets, and I always... Mr. Pinero, sir. Yes. Would you sit down, Mr. Pinero? Mr. Pinero is from almost two funny people. I'm so glad to see you. I could cry. Try this chair over here, Mr. Pinero. Thank you, Doctor. Well, you're looking great, Vicki. Why, you haven't changed her hair. So help me. Oh, what you do to them in Sydney's harbor is nobody's business. I've told her part of your plan. You're absolutely made for the part, Vicki. Why, you'll be the toast of the town. Yes, Artie, my husband told me what you said about putting your show on in New York. I wasn't able to paint quite such a colorful picture as he did. That's very simple. I need you, Pitt. Fought it all over a million times, and you're the one, the absolute one. It seems, Vicki, that you are the one wherever you go. Now, name your own terms. Why, this will be the biggest thing they've ever hit Broadway. Oh, what about it, Vicki? I'm afraid, Artie. It's too late. It sounds absolutely lovely, but I'm just too happy here. Doctor Hall, I appeal to you. You have the understanding of a professional. Oh, you know how I feel about this, Victoria. I'll miss you terribly. But if you feel the slightest desire to go back... William. What, my dear? Nothing on this earth could persuade me to leave you. You see, Artie... No, no. Don't go on, Vicki. I know the answer. The way you two look at each other tells me more than words. Well, it was worth trying. Oh, yes, Mr. Panero, well worth it. Broadway's last is Ivy's good fortune and mine. I'm sorry, Artie. You were sweet to remember me. Oh, forget it, Vicki. Just thought it would be nice to get together again. Panero and Cromwell, those two funny people. Tell me, do you know how to make a Venetian blind? Stick your finger in his eye. Goodbye, Artie. A pause and exit, Artie Panero. God bless, Vicki, and good luck to you, Doctor. Thank you. Thank you, Artie. And my sincere sympathy. You see, I too know what it means to have a top actress under exclusive contract and a solid hit with the prospect of a long, long run. Goodbye, Mr. Panero. Goodbye. Goodbye. Welcome home, Vicki. I've never been away, my darling. Ah, but it must have been tempting. Toddy. Hmm? Have you ever looked down Faculty Row at six o'clock in the evening? Often. Have you ever stood in the trees, changed colour while you were watching them? Many times. Have you ever listened to the singing at night on fraternity lane? Oh, I've even added my own baritone from outside the windows. And have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? No, no, no, Victoria. I like it here, Toddy. I love it. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And now, here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Ladies and gentlemen, when disaster strikes, the Red Cross is there with emergency assistance. Even more important, the Red Cross stays on the scene to help rebuild and to provide medical care. Last year, the Red Cross gave assistance to over 200,000 persons in 330 disaster operations. Your help is needed. The forearms of the Red Cross embrace the entire world. Forearm is forewarned. Give more than before. Good night. Good night, everybody. That's around us here today. We'll be seeing you next week at this time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Joseph Kearns, Janet Waldo, and Gloria Gordon. Tonight's script was written by Walter Brown Newman and Don Quinn. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolfe and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking.