 Hey, Rosen, I just installed enabled wireless access on one of my younger robots, and you know how it is. It seems like a good idea to connect to random access points because viruses only hit bad robots. Long story short, despite programming it to always monitor downloads and make safe connections, I think my robot may have contracted E-AIDS. Anything you can do to help? Junior Research Assistant Dr. Gravity Here's my advice. Tell your robot to get itself defragmented and to inform all the data ports it may have interfaced with over the last month to get themselves scanned. It's the responsible thing to do. Rosen Do EMPs work on those damn kids skateboarding on my street? If so, can we use one? Research Assistant Reject EMPs only nail electronic stuff. Unless those teens or androids, that wouldn't work. I would recommend using an actual magnet, a large one, and have it target the screws holding the wheels together, or however those death traps work. I'll refer to you to engineering for any help you need getting that set up. Rosen Do EMPs work on jail guards? Research Assistant Reject Rosen, do me a favor and re-enable my status. Pat was a jackass lunatic, but he was thorough. I've been dodging misdirected quote-unquote, demonstration shunt of D-class orders since Pat threw his hissy fit. Also, I may or may not have sent this through someone else's workstation, as mine has attempted to kill me on three different occasions, despite not having any self-propelling mechanism. Dr. Martin Engineer Cap Yeah, about that. You see, Pat was pretty anal about his security protocols. So much so, that he didn't disengage him before he mysteriously disappeared. I've been going through his notes to try and find what he actually did, but most of it's just him ranting about somebody named Dumont the Destroyer, and long-winded eulogies about pudding. The best I can do is transfer you to work that exempts you from the monthly execution, until I get this figured out. How does Procedure 110 Montauk sound? Rosem Rosem Hey, Rosem, my computer was being a little slow a minute ago, so I tried to increase the voltage that the computer received to around 10 kilowatts more. I thought it made sense because more power makes more energy, right? Well, it didn't work. I tried looking online for a fix, and they suggested I delete something called Win32. After doing that, I kept getting errors or something like that. A colleague of mine told me he could format the BIOS for me, and I graciously accepted. Yet that still did not work. I have tried many fixes, and right now my computer is kind of on fire. I'm not worried about that, though. How can I make my computer work again? Maybe it's a way I can make it faster. Dr. Taylor Try to download some more RAM. If that doesn't work, reformat your zip drive. If all else fails, reboot it twice and call me in the morning. Rosem Rosem, for some reason, my inbox keeps getting spams into it. The strangest thing about it is that they all say something along the lines of, to the past me, X, with the X being something mundane and apparently has harsh consequences on the future. I've done all the things that it says will cause the disruption of the timeline, and so far nothing of ill consequences happened. Should I chalk this up as a prank, or should I be worried? Dr. Nekat I wouldn't worry about it. Going over your personnel file, there's no way that you're ever going to do anything of consequence, so your future self, or one of your co-workers, is probably just playing a joke on you. Rosem Hey Rosem, should I take the red pill or the blue pill? Dr. Epsilon If strange men and trenchcoachers are offering you pills, you have bigger issues to worry about than what your friendly neighborhood tech support thinks. Rosem My caps lock key is stuck. What do I do, Dr. Edison? Try holding down the shift key while typing until I can requisition you a new keyboard. Perhaps see if one of your co-workers will loan you one. If you can, try to unstick the button, or just start shouting all the time when you talk to people, so they read your text and your loud voice. Rosem Saluto T. Rosem In no mean patris et eper et spiritus sancti caso, ego sum happens, difficultatum usurum, artificial anima inspectionum, quote, desititor, adcite, uh, twel, utskitis, nostri, doctrininus, enum, cantum, natium, diquadum, requerium, illa actions, ahumana, singorlium, cu, demonstrati er, appropriate, gradu pietis, dum normalis usu perat, compermeer et tempter fitum pertinet singularum per inquisitinum. Those three reductions and numerum elite non-requititor uti processus mekin non-mechanica est elit lectrica ad automate inquisito, or something like that. Those three artificial inquisitum non-epspos propri, consulum ergo assertit apostolus et ego nigo tamum, verbi biliocic ve herictis, hook est non-ita, art pusunt ripari per impositium manis at exorcismi opus, vestrom and cristi, pater gomes estri, keplanius et institutinum twelv. If you're looking for an exorcist, you've really come to the wrong place. If you don't mind doing things God might find as pleasurable, like allowing undead ten-zombies to possess your stuff, I'm sure the Church of the Broken God will be all over that like cultist flies on a holy shit, auxilium. Hello, Mr. Rosen, I have many names. My operator has named me Bellow the Unwavering, even when I insisted on being named my natural name. I am sending this message to you for help. Get me away from this maniac, Dr. Taylor. He tries to insert bologna into my steedy drive, even when I plead him not to. This ridiculous name that he has signed me has been burned into my artificial memory. His browser history is enough to drive one into madness. He drops food over the monitoring keyboard. As technical researcher, I hope you will take pity on a sentient computer and reassign me to another, more competent user, Bellow the Unwavering. I have requisitioned Dr. Taylor another computer. His old computer has been put into storage and catalogued as an anomalous object until such a time comes when I have it used for a snobby computer box. See more of these, Taylor, and you're going to be paying for them. Rosen. Dear sir, it seems our correspondence route with our own technical support has fallen victim to a temporal anomaly. We of the American Security Containment Initiative can do very little to remedy this, and would much appreciate assistance from your end. Regards, B. Franklin, ASCII researcher. Nice try, but I happen to know that Benjamin Franklin was mourning the death of his wife Debra in 1774, and would not have had the time to look into computer box techie matters. Checkmate fake news, Rosen. My Debra, dead? This year? Bloody hell, man, when? Be Franklin, ASCII researcher. You're a smart guy, you'll figure it out. Rosen. Rosen, my pornography collection got erased from my gateway. Can you retrieve it? Agent Convitt. Look over here, we got ourselves a wise guy. Well, Mr. Convitt, I regret to inform you that your computer's files were all irretrievable, so I had your computer disposed of. Not to worry, because this time tomorrow a brand new e-machine will arrive at your desk, just for you. You're welcome. As for the redacted on your drive, you're a sick man. Not criminally sick, but sick nonetheless. Rosen. Rosen. Another problem that may or may not be related to senior staff shenanigans. Someone did an in-place reinstall of every one of my computers, including my personal laptop somehow, made Internet Explorer 7 the default and only browser, and revoked my software installation permissions on all of them. As my work requires extra precautions against drive-by downloads and other viruses, I need Firefox reinstalled, or at least unlock my account so I can do it myself, because Adblock Plus is the only workable solution I've found to prevent them from even reaching the system, since the antivirus won't catch it in time to prevent data expunged. How the heck did they get access to my laptop? It's at home for crying out loud. Dr. Okugawa. It seems your problem is that your computer is too desirable, and people keep messing with it as a result. As such, I have replaced your computers with a complete suite of web TV applications. Then I went ahead and replaced the laptop with a Commodore PET. Then I forgot what I came in your office to do, so I ate your lunch and called it a day. I hope it resolves your tampering issues. Rosen. The janitor's Roomba won our damn NCAA bracket. Can you deactivate it so that I can claim my rifle prize? Agent Convid. Dude! The Roomba has had that bracket unlocked for the last four years. Don't see why you're so upset. And even if I wanted to deactivate it, the ethics committee says that would make your office a hazardous working environment. Just let it go. Rosen. That damn D-class dropped me into an email on 713 and sent it to my own laptop. Get me out of here! A pissed-off researcher. I guess I'll just go through every laptop on site looking for you, since it must be urgent if you don't tell me who or where you are. I'll be right on it. Rosen. Hey, Rosie. My computer terminal stole my bovuzela somehow. Tell me if you see it about, won't you? Junior Agent Lucas. Good news! I killed two birds with one stone by fixing both of your problems. Bad news. The stone in that analogy is the big rock I keep in my office. And the birds were your computer and monitor. So yeah. Problem solved. Rosen. So I found my friend's computer, and I decided to hack it. So instead of writing at their gay on their Facebook, I'm going to put porn on their laptops. It'd be incredibly clever and hilarious and original, Agent Convitt. See, I know you're lying to me, Convitt, because we're not so different, you and I. Friendless. Alone. About the only difference in my obsession with puttering about with old computers, and yours are pornographic pursuits. The difference between us being, my skills aren't going to get me fired when tech support reports me for workplace sexual harassment. Rosen. I know what you're thinking. Why does Taylor insist on writing to me? Does he need a gateway today again? Rosen. I know what you're thinking. Why does Taylor insist on writing to me? Does he need a gateway today again? Well, no, but I still need help. See, I'm not the superstitious kind of guy. So to keep the meddlers out, I tried to make a machine that would drop a step ladder on anyone who walked into my office. Unfortunately, I forgot about this, and did not turn it off before entering. Long story short, I have a sping-head ache, though that may be just the stitches above my skull breaking. There's a video starring Sasha Gray on my computer, which is now covered in what I can only hope is rather viscous milk. And my pants are nowhere to be found. Talk about bad luck. So Rosen, what do? Dr. Taylor. Know to all personnel whom it may concern. Mr. Taylor is officially banned from requisitioning any new equipment from the IT department. After three separate towers, four monitors, and God knows how many repairs, I am throwing in the towel. Taylor, you will have to make do with what you have. Rosen. Um, hey, say hypothetically someone were to code a desktop of 447 Goop? Where would it take the most trouble to get off? Human researcher Fairbearing. Why would you want to get that stuff removed? As long as your desk isn't made of dead bodies, it's going to give you fantastic performance increases. I actually scratched that. Your computer is ruined, and I requisition to do a replacement. Come by my office any time to pick it up and drop the old one off. Rosen. The dreadlords of the unspoken citadel require additional acoustic glyphs to properly contain excess ether, produced by the epic necromantic rituals used to keep the screaming man bound within gas bars' revenants. The glyphs must be sent via carrier pigeon in the dead of night, no sooner than all hollows' eave, for fear of awakening those who sleep beyond dreams. Zipfax Lightfade. Foundation Grand Dreadlord. Dr. Edgero? Did you get into the 420J again? Rosen. Ever heard of reeking? It's a sound that guinea pigs make. Unfortunately, it's not a sound that the voice commands accept on my computer. Or any computer, for that matter. Do you know how hard it is to type on a full-sized keyboard when you're 22cm in length? I have ordered you a novelty-sized keyboard that should bit your… needs. It's basically a big slab of plastic. It's supposed to be peanut butter-proof so you could run around and push buttons and let loose the… things guinea pigs make to your heart's content. You're welcome, Rosen. There is bodily fluids on my things, help, Agent Convid. They are STUPIDS on my page, HELP, Rosen. I'm not sure if you're the one I should be talking to about this, but there appears to be a large, angry squid inside my monitor. The problem is, it just gets, let's say, uncooperative when I try to get it out. Should I try something else, or just ignore it and hope it goes away? Dr. Marvel. That is a screensaver, Dr. Marvel. There are no sea creatures living in your computer. Remember when we had a little talk over the crazy ball that was bouncing around in there? Or when the computer had frozen your family and was holding them hostage on an exact copy of your timeshare in Bangor? This is like that. Rosen. Okay, how about? Could you either give me a keyboard small enough for a guinea pig to use easily, or have the computer systems recognize weakening and voice commands? The huge keyboard just made things worse. I'm still not sure what WEEKING is, but we got some pretty universal noise to tech software. I sent a copier away, along with a standard headset mic set up. Hope that works out for ya. Rosen. Hello, IT. We are down at Site Blank, Memetix Lab 12C, and we were wondering if there is a way to revert a desktop background image without looking at the screen. It seems someone opened a rather nasty visual memetic and managed to set it to the background. This would normally not be a problem, but several files are needed on the hard drive. We've already lost several researchers, and the first tech that tried. For now the screen is unplugged, but we have no way of resetting the desktop. Help? Junior Assistant Researcher Blank. Current Acting Head Researcher of Memetix Lab 12C. Step 1. Remove hard drive. Step 2. Please monitor on a flat dry surface, away from pets or small children. Step 3. Obtain hammer. Step 4. Apply percussive maintenance to monitor with maximum velocity. Rosen. The public printer near the cafeteria convinced me to build up limbs and a mobile power supply. After which it took my stun gun and left me on the ground drooling. When I came too it was gone, so basically I'm asking if you have seen that trader's little recall. Assistant Emon. Tagged and bagged my friend. Next time, try not to be so susceptible to a printer promising marble cake in exchange for freakin' sweet oggs. Rosen. Hey, did one of you guys see that new guy in IT come by just a few days ago? This chainsaw started to get kinda heavy. Agent Connabit. Groovy. Rosen. Rosen. The microwave in the eating quarters came to life again. On plugging it didn't work this time, it's trying to kill me. Apparently because I put that fork inside of it that one time. I'm currently hiding on top of the refrigerator, but I don't think I'll be safer long. Ow! Dr. Nickhat. Have you tried to, you know, walk away from it? Microwaves aren't exactly known for their mobility. Rosen. Never ran them to all staff. As of June 25th, 2012, Senior Technical Researcher David Rosen has been temporarily relieved from his duties due to ongoing behavior and disciplinary infractions that have recently come to light. Asshole thinks he can get away with putting THOSE files on the net. As such, Dr. Adam Taylor and A Corpse will be handling the department until he returns. They will also take care of his backlog. I demand popcorn and burjans! The microwave. Greetings, O great and powerful master of electromagnetic waves. Beings of appliances and bane of meatloaf. Attached to this document are 517 individual popcorn kernels, as required by Foundation Protocol regarding the maintenance and sustenance of malicious sentient kitchenware. See attached documents 127-F-1287 and SGD-133774-ND. The burjans that you have requested will be delivered to your facility upon completion and deliveries of forms 1362-182-A-N, 2HF-3-1723-N, 163722-IHFT-1928-A-F, and 282331-1223-122144323. All deliveries of said forms must be made within 7 business days via Foundation First Class Partial Post to Foundation Appliance Maintenance, located within Sub-Level G of Site Blank. All forms must be completed by hand in triplicate using a black ink roller ball type, .5mm pin. We appreciate your cooperation as matter and hope that you are successful in your endeavors. A Corpse. I'm getting a, an Ethernet cord has become disconnected error here. Everything is connected on my end, so I'm guessing this might be a problem in your server room or however these things work. Any idea? I have some file work that needs to be sent to another site, so the sooner the better. Field agent beam. Yeah, about that. I recommend you send it through the Partial Post. Maybe put it on one of those diskey thingies, if it's too much data for a floppy. Things might take a bit to sort out on the server end. Rosen got a bit drunk and messed about a bit with the wiring before he left. A Corpse. Who is your favorite black person? Agent Convid. I- What? This is not technical! A Corpse. Researcher Eisenberg here. Some fuck messed with my computer as a part of some fucking prank. Must have been during lunchtime. I'm not particularly eager to use Ubuntu 10.04, especially since the fucking automatic sampler only has drivers for Solaris-8. Well had, since all the files in my home folder are currently named links.links, some fucking number. Needed to fix somehow before the next set of samples need to be run through at 4, thanks in advance. Agent Links. Hey Eisenstein, so I heard you needed a new computator. Thing is, I don't really know what a Ubuntu is, nor I'm even sure what language that word originates from. Is it Swahili? I bet it's Swahili. It's almost always Swahili. Anyway, since we don't have any of those, I went into the storeroom and got you something to stand in so you can get that cat-based one sorted. It's a Victor-something-twenty? I don't really know. The label's sort of weird like, Anywho, Enjoy, A Corpse. Damn it, this is not fair. I've been trying to get myself reinstated as something above janitor level ever since that whole business with Pat, and now I find out other people are getting the assignments. What does a man have to do when it's being confirmed that he would wrongly demonstration shunned just to get bumped back up? On another note, since I've had to chew between leaving the Foundation and dealing with my current duties, I've decided to tough it out. Can someone replace the electronic lock on supply closet 3B? It shouldn't even have a speaker on it, but every time I unlock it, the thing yells at me in German, former technical engineer cap. I find that, on the rare occasion that a man such as yourself, being of the janitorial persuasion, seeks to make great gains within this by all means in different and bureaucratic organization of ours, the best thing to do is to raise yourself up by the bootstraps, put on a brave face, get down to the nitty gritty, and sabotage the competition. Put smart bombs in their Captain Crunch, add Vaseline to their gun cleaner, heck, just go along a pop of needle chalk full of a little bit of liquid cyanide between their oh so comfy covers, you do whatever it takes son, whatever it takes. In regards to your secondary, but of equal import, a questionation, I recommend that you get Mr. Klopsin down an engineering to have a look at the fellow. If anyone knows sentient cabinetry of German make, it'll be Klopsin. I heard that he once talked a deranged ceiling fan off a ledge, yep, that Klopsin is one heck of a talker, shame the most everything he says is gibberish, best regards, a corpse. Note, I don't know what the damn date is. Can someone let me out of here? It's dark, cold, and very boring. Also my chains are really starting to chafe. Rosen. Rosen? For the last time, take off those chains. We've told you time and time again that we're not bringing you anyone who's down for some kinky business at all. If he didn't bring the damn key in with you, then you deserve the chafe until you can be cleared. Also, how did you manage to get network access in an isolation chamber? Let me know. Dr. Taylor. What's the best way of getting a computer keyboard out of a tank of, you know, Dr. Edison? Getting it out by yourself? Because there's no way that I'm doing it. Oh, what a shame. We ran out of gloves just a couple seconds ago, while you were reading this reply rather than getting the gloves that I never told you about. People just don't know how to do things themselves, honestly. Dr. Taylor. So, I was playing around with some beakers the lab boys gave me, and I accidentally turned my parrot into a laptop. Should I shoot it or keep it? It keeps saying it will have the fall of humanity soon. Agent Thessen. Well, I wouldn't recommend hooking the little monster up to any ICBMs if that's what you mean. All in all, though, most sentient, malicious computational devices tend to be relatively harmless, just so long as the computer isn't too powerful and doesn't have a robo-gun hooked up to it. Tell you what, if it works, keep it, and if it demands crackers, give it crackers. Just don't you be hooking out abomination up to the network. You would not believe the kind of sick bullshit a parrot looks at in its free time. Hey, corpse. Having issues with SCP-Net? Whenever I try to submit a report, the program freezes them BSODs. Clef. Well, I don't really know what the problem could be. The program itself is usually pretty solid. It is, however, possible that you've got some sort of buyer- External user disconnect. Error. 8-H. G-D. S-Y-6. 7-6. 8-7. S-D-G. Feed me crackers. 8-Corp. Scraaaack. Hey, do you know why my code sequences keep getting rewritten? I've got them backed up on my server, but I think one of the other researchers, or a skip, are recompiling and screwing with my recursive algorithms. Now half the hotlinks on the server are down, and there's… a bunch of blinky lights next to a couple of the containment displays. Also, the algorithms have filled up 67 petabytes with junk data that I can't erase. No hurry, though. Technician Bryant. 67 petabytes? Shouldn't be too hard to erase. Just open up a task manager and… wait. A petabyte is apparently pretty damn huge according to this guide. Huh. One petabyte is a million gigabytes. Anyway, I have dealt with this before. Let's use my five-step program to fixing a computer. Results may vary. 1. Practice your backswing a little. 2. Go to the tallest point in the facility near an unbroken window. 3. Put your defective piece of hardware on your tee. 4. Draw a smiley face on the window. Spray paint or Sharpie. Either will do. 5. Smash the window space in with the hardware. Then ask Rosen to give you a new one. 6. I know that I'm bad with any sort of coding, but I don't even know how this could possibly happen. I was tweaking the code of one of my programs to find out why it was running all weird. And now there's an image of my monitor of what looks like we need a poo stuck in a hole with the words, Help, I'm stuck written above it in a book typeface. I didn't want to requisition another computer since it would be a hassle and this one is probably still perfectly functional. But I still need to finish my work, and I can't see a damn thing with a huge animated bear ass in the way. Could you get rid of it, please? Junior Researcher Chibi. Chances are, you activated the Feed Bear Honey subroutine somewhere along the way. Now he's too fat to get out of the hole. You'll have to wait a while for him to slim down. By no means are you to feed him any more honey, no matter how much he pleads. There's no telling what he can do if he reaches critical honey mass. But I can very certainly guess they'll make a Godzilla-style documentary based off of it. I imagine the Oprah Winfrey will guest star in it. Dr. Taylor. Aaaaaaah. Congratulations, brave and noble hacker. Through your intelligent and clever use of intellect and raw, unadulterated cunning, you has successfully left me completely dumbfounded and at an utter loss for words. Seriously, though, I don't think you understand. This is officially the most intelligent thing I have ever seen. Men could live for centuries. For millennia, gathering the knowledge and wisdom of their lands and many others, and still not reach the level of ability that is presented here. The magnificence of the thing. The sheer wonder that such a majestic creation can bestow upon us lowly and unworthy worlds is far beyond the grasp of a mere man such as myself. I would thank you, but I believe to even involve myself with thee within society would be to ask too much. For I feel that one of such ability as yours is not fit for communication with mere men. Please find, sir. Do not attempt to contact me again. I feel that the magnificence of your presence would be too much for myself to bear. A corpse. Hypothetically, in the instance that one of the janitors were to wander into a lab and be digitized by a combination of experiments which were in the room completely coincidentally, and then in another completely unrelated accident, I uploaded to an unknown network through a number of proxies. Which disc of SCP-335 would said janitor most likely be stored upon, and what would be the best method of retrieval? This is a purely hypothetical situation, of course, and I am, of course, completely not at fault for this having occurred around noon in this completely imaginary situation. Assistant Emon. Had this hypothetically happened at exactly 12.14 pm, and had you supposedly been around and unwilling to aid your fellow co-worker, then I would suggest looking for the one with that might have his name on it. Of course, if you had coincidentally been recorded by yours truly, and if you perhaps enjoyed living, then I would very highly recommend that you go to room 386 with around $2,000 and $50 bills. Come alone. Hypothetically. Dr. Taylor. Totally NOT Dr. Taylor. My computer is literally shitting itself. What do? Dr. GW. It appears that your computer is caught a virus of some variety, possibly of extradimensional origin, that has resulted in a severe case of the runs. Personally, I recommend you buy yourself a new computer. But according to Foundation Protocol Document TD-132725-AYWT, it is required that in the event of an extra-normal technical element or flaw, the effective machine be submitted to the research department for study. Personally, I recommend the Office of Dr. Hendrickson, largely on account of him having consumed a sandwich from the break room that was quite clearly labeled as belonging to someone else. Make sure to sanitize your desk as well. A. Corpse. Hey, Taylor and Corpse. First off, congrats. Hope Rosen didn't leave any landmines. What did happen to him anyway? But I digress. My problem is this. I walked away from my computer to get a drink. I come back, and some bastard has shoved a banana into the tower. Before I wreck a new one, is there any fix? Also, since the sniggering tool office is down kinda hints as to who did it, best way to beat the crap out of somebody without it being known? Dr. Axe. External Override. Meso-J9099-87461530-SecuredNet-B1 Loading. Access Granted. Well, you know what they say. You can't keep a good researcher down, especially when you don't change the passwords. I mean, seriously, Word, Pass, 1, 2, 3, and non-secured passwords for the break cell bay. But I digress. I would recommend running fruitofladoom.exe on any affected drives. That should eject any buildup of fruit matter from the system. As for your wise guy co-worker, have you tried introducing him to my favorite fruit? A tomato? Rosen. Rosen, you've returned. Welcome back. Your idea worked. Thanks. Feel bad for the janitor assigned to clean up, though. Dr. Axe. Glad to hear it. If you've got anything that might help prove my innocence, that'd be just a real good way to make it up to me. Rosen. I'm petitioned to organize an onsite bring-your-kids-to-work day. Does the security software attached to the server allow for the installation of additional programs across the board? Okay, I have no idea about the security thing, but you want to take your kids to work? A place where the smallest twitch or the smallest muscle can result in multiple fatalities, adult and children? Not to mention the possibility of one of them wandering their way into a terrible, terrible place that could mentally scar them for however many lives it could go through with the knowledge of the evil we contain? Where to assign? Dr. Taylor. Say, I'm sending a couple of the robotic speedboats with gravity arms into the Danube Delta to catch something that seems to cause death to everyone within 40 meters of it. My post-doc is an serious gamer. Can we hook up the robots to a PS3 controller, make chasing it while firing tranquilizer darts easier? Dr. Gallo. I tried to do that, but it seems like nothing worked, so I picked up some random junk from Rosen's personal stuff and hit it with a hammer until the wires went in. That didn't work either, but I did find an RC remote controller. Do what you can with it. Hopefully Rosen won't miss those things I hit with a hammer. That being all of them. Dr. Taylor. World's worst assistant. I hate you so much right now, Taylor. Rosen. Notice, as it has been proven that researcher Rosen was not in fact responsible for the presence of gross data on his drives, he has been reinstated with the apologies of administration for the trouble. Anybody with information on the perpetrator should report it to their supervisor immediately. Director Tilda D. Moose. Dammit. Since when do security bots know how to use Wii remotes? And since when do said remotes move junior researchers? I've been ducking under the nuts all day, Dr. Axe. It appears that some of Dr. Taylor's creations have spread outside of the tech support offices. Not to worry, because my crack team of whack-nissions are busy deploying highly sophisticated and not at all mallet-related decommissions on all rogue equipment. Rosen. Dear Rosen, my iPhone was infected with some kind of bug, and now it won't stop buzzing around my office. Please tell me what to do. Researcher Quandary. Our phone appears to have been set to the vibrate function. The buzzing sound was somebody attempting to contact you. I have since changed your ringtone and all the alert tones to some soothing Mongolian throat singing. You can thank me later. Rosen. Hey Rosen, I'm having a bit of a problem with the computer in my office. Over the past few days, I've been hearing a tinking sound coming from somewhere. I got back from lunch today, and I could've sworn the pointer was tapping against the screen. It looks like there's a tiny crack in the corner where I was doing this. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here. Agent Ferris. Your computer has a virus made by zombies that turns people who stare at it too long into zombies, so you have to destroy the computer in any zombies it's made before it's too late. I would suggest using duct tape on a kayak thing and some cane saws like in Dead Ryzen 2, and using it to kill the zombies because that would be awesome. Assistant Technical Researcher James, age 8. Who let kids in here? I've replaced your monitor, Rosen. Mr. Rosen, I was recently diagnosed with Explosive Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Long story involving a body mod SCP, and would appreciate it if I could get an ergonomic keyboard and mouse. Over the last two times my hands were blown off by micro explosions on my wrist, the medical department says they won't reattach them again. Professor Bjornsson. Certainly. I've spoken to the boys downstairs, and we've come up with the perfect solution. This keyboard is so tough that even if your wrists were blown to smithereens only inches away from the QWERTY, it wouldn't even have a scratch. Also, we've used the same technology we used to clean up after those messy SCPs to make it chunk-proof, so when your hands go blind due to premature detonation, you can be satisfied with the knowledge that your keyboard will still be fully functional. Rosen. Dear Rosen, it hurts when I pee. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here, Agent Convitt. That's what you get for dry-humping herpes butt, Rosen. My computer keeps flashing white every two minus, and opening random tabs. I don't know what's going on, but it seems to be causing weird edits to any report I'm typing up at the time. The text changes color, font, and size, and what's worse, my British tisms keeps being changed to Americanisms, Researcher Lloyd. The software era you are experiencing is called autocorrect. Common symptoms of this era include colored fonts, sudden insertion of line breaks into paragraphs, and replacement of the fake extra letters and removal of fake words, words like lorry or color. Rosen. Rosen, can you please explain to me why all my image files were swapped with pictures of SCP-050, Dr. Agent Quandary? If you're so smart with your double-major, double-agent combo, then you should be able to figure it out on your own. Rosen.