 J-E-L-L-O! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with John Bester in his orchestra. The orchestra opens the program with Take It Easy. Present to you that wizard of mirth and wit. That gentleman of gentlemen. A man who is a credit to his community, loved and honored by all. Mr. Jack Benny. I get it. I get it. Wilson's not fooling me, folks. Christmas is nine days off. He knows what he's doing. Yes, sir. It's the time of year when every rat turns into a lamb until after the holiday. Oh, yeah. Well, it doesn't change me. No, you're still a rat. Well, Jack, to you, Tide Spirit keeps me from punching you in the nose. Yes, Don. We must be happy, although I didn't like that last crack. You're right, Jack. We should forgive our enemies and let joy be unrefined. Right now, Don, there's no one in the world that I hate. I don't know. I feel so good. I'm afraid I'm overdoing it. How do you feel, Don? My rheumatism is bothering me terribly. Well, just ignore it until after the holidays. I've got falling arches, but I'm not going to pick them up until after Christmas. Well, say, Jack, come here. I'm making out my Christmas list. Now, what do you think I ought to get for Frank Parker? Parker? Let's see. See, there's a hard guy to pick anything for. How about a shirt? No, he's got one. Hey, I'll tell you what. How about a suit of pajamas? No, not Parker. He wears a night job. Oh, he does. Well, then get him a yard of blue ribbons. What are you going to get, Parker, Jack? I've got a necktie for him, Don. This is a nice-looking tie. Sure, the one you gave me last Christmas, remember? Oh, yes. Well, here I am, fit as a fiddle, but thin as a fluke. Hey, Parker. Parker, how did you get here so early? Jake sent me. Oh. Hey, Jack, I'm making out a Christmas list. Now, what do you think I ought to get, Don, working for Christmas? I don't know, Frank. You know, he and I have been pretty good pals. Well, I don't know. How much do you want to spend? Oh, about a half a dollar. Oh. Well, just send your pal a telegram. Hey, what size shirt does Bester wear? Bester? I don't know. I think he wears a 12 and a half. Did you buy it yet? Yes, but I got size 17. Well, you've got to allow for shrinking, you know. Well, gee, do you think it's going to shrink that much? Say, the shirt you buy will probably evaporate. Oh, you're here, too. Mary, what's killing you? Oh, well, you will never see. Listen, Jack, why does Santa Claus wear a black suit? But he doesn't, Mary. He wears a red suit. I mean, after he gets down the chimney. Oh, I see. Now, what's the answer? That's it. The chimney, you dope. Mary, where do you get those jokes every week? Jake sends them. Oh. Listen, don't bother me for a while, Jack. I've got to make out my Christmas list. Oh, yeah? Who's on your list, Mary? All the boys in this program. Listen, Jack, I want to get a shirt for Wilson. What size shirt do you wear? Well, I wear a 15. What's that got to do with Wilson? Well, you're always wearing a shirt. Oh, that's right. Get him a 15, then. What are you going to get your father, Mary? Oh, I got him a cigar lighter, but I've got a changer. Well, Mary, that's a beautiful cigar lighter. Why do you have to change it? I just remember he smoked cigarettes. Oh, yes. It would be hard to light a cigarette from a cigar lighter. Yes. By the way, Mary, what happened to that gold ring I gave you last Christmas? I never see you wear it. Well, I was afraid to tell you, Jack, I lost it. Oh, that's fine, and you said you'd take such good care of it. I did. Well, then how did you lose it? The finance company took it. Oh, it's the last time I'll buy anything from that company. You're telling them, too. Oh, Wilson, what do you think I ought to get my mother? She's 64 years old and doesn't like spinach. Here it comes, folks. Get her some jello at all. And she'll find it twice as rich as last Christmas. See, that sits right into my budget. Well, now that we got our advertising in, Don Bester will play a medley from the Music Box Review. Are you ready, Don? Yes, Jack. But come here a minute, will you? What is it? I was Christmas shopping all day, and I don't know what to get for Frank Parker. Can you suggest something? Well, how about a cigarette case or a razor? That's it. I'll get him a nice, safety razor. No, Don, get him one of those straight barbers' razors. But he's liable to cut himself. That's the idea. See, play, Don. Not as long as they keep wearing those spats. You know what I mean. A man who wears spats is an aura hero. Then again, he may have holes in his socks. Yes. Well, anyway, Don, I wouldn't hurt your boy's feelings for the world. You know, I used to be a musician myself. Well, I had my own orchestra at the Barrison Theater in Waukegan, Illinois. You did, eh? Yes, sir. How big was your orchestra? Oh, I had a great bunch, Don. Let's see, there was me. Of course, I was the leader and first fiddle. I see. And we had a fella named Hypheth played second fiddle. I think his name was Yasha. Then I had a Polish fella at the piano. He had a funny name like Paderusti, something like that. The Rudy Valley was my saxophone player. Abe Lyman played drums. And then we had a blues singer, Lily Pond. Well, that was somewhat happened to all those people. Oh, they're doing little on the country. They can't seem to get anything steady. Do you still like to play the violin, Jack? Don, once a violin player, always a violin player. You know, every time I hear your boys tune up their fiddles, I feel like an old firehawk when he hears the bell clang. You look like one, too. Mary, who ever heard of a horse playing a fiddle? What kind of stuff do you play, Jack? Oh, anything. Rubenstein, Stormy, Weather, Mendelssohn's Hold That Tiger. Dave, do you know what I'd like to do tonight, Don? You see, my dad came on to visit me from Washington, and he's up here in the studio watching the program. And I think it'd be time tonight if I played a violin solo right now. He'd get a big kick out of it. Sure, Jack, go right ahead. Have one of your boys loan me his fiddle, will you, Don? Certainly. Well, no, Mr. Benny, your fiddle. Yes, Mr. Vassar. Oh, spiked. All right, there you are. Thank you. Thank you. See you, Adam. Ah, nice tone, too. This is a pretty good fiddle, isn't it? Yes, sir. It has a heavy grip. Oh, I suppose Christer played on its uncle. Well, Don, what'll I play? Oh, anything at all, Jack. All right, tell you what I'll do, Don. I'll play if I had a million dollars from the picture I was in. Now, listen to this, Dad. How about a little introduction, Don? OK, come on. Nice and slow and soft. Surprise. There ought to be a tax on that. Pedigreed. Broken Down Genius comes to you through the courtesy of Jello with a few extra rich, fresh fruit flavor that tastes twice as good as ever before. Fine time for advertising. See, I've already put that over with a bag. Oh, Dad. Oh, Dad, how did you like it? I like it after the first eight bars. He must have been tired, huh? And now, ladies and gentlemen, Frank Parker, our social soloist, will sing Someday I'll Find You from Private Life. Say, Frank, how did you like my violin solo? I can get more music out of a new pair of shoes. Try and get credit from these guys. Tonight, folks, we are singers of Russian art plays. OK, you shoved. And tonight, we are giving you an original drama entitled Russia Through a Keyhole, or The Private Life of the Vulgar Vulture, or if you think of a better title, use it. This little offering will go on immediate the next number, which is a needle in a haystack from the motion picture, the gay divorcee. Jack, your father just came back with some foam on his mustache. Married. Played on foam on his mustache. That was a needle in a haystack played by Don Bessler and his dignitarians. And now for our drama, Russia Through a Keyhole, by Ivan Winchel. I will play the part of Boris Benevich, and Mary Levison will play the part of Olga, my sweetheart. The first scene takes place in the home of Boris Benevich on Tobacco Road in Kishinev, which is not unlike Greenovich-Vilovich. All right, boys, curtain, music done. Ha-cha-cha-nya. Ha-cha-cha-nya. I will foam you. Ha-cha-cha-nya. Ha-cha-cha-nya. Mr. Benevich. Mr. Benevich. What is it, Karloff? There's a telegram of it, for you of it. Is it collect-a-vitch? No, pay-ski. Give it to me. It's for my sweetheart, Olga Petros. Dear Boris, you must come to Odessa at once. Stop-a-vitch. The Cossacks have raided our house and taken away my sister Natasha. Merry Christmas. Come at once. Olga. So those Cossacks have taken away Natasha. Ha, this is terrible. Terrible. Not to play, folks, this situation. This is awful. Oi, Karloff, bring me a glass of vodka. What kind of vodka? Ice vodka. I must go away, Karloff. I must go away, pack my bag. What shall I put in it? Two shirts and a herring. And hurry. I must catch the first boat up the Hudson. Or the Volga. Karloff, send for the Volga boatman. I sent him for him already. How did you know I wanted him? I remembered it from rehearsal. Oh, thank you. See you there. The scene now changes to the Volga River. Quick, boys, make the change. Ah, folks, you should see this river. It's in a pail right here in the studio. Ah, here comes the boatman now. Hey, Volga, I must get to a desert once. Snap it up a bit. Okay, jump in there. Goodbye, Karloff. Goodbye, ski. Let's go, Volga. There's no time to lose. You said it. Hurry. Oh, Jack, I just happen to think what the bypass is for Christmas. Mary, get out of here, will you? Make it quick, Volga. Ah, here comes the boatman. Ah, here comes the boatman. Ah, here comes the boatman. Tell me, tell me, Volga, how long will it take to get to Odessa? Odessa a few minutes. Go back to your song. Ah, here comes the boatman. Ah, here comes the boatman. Hey, I'm sick of that song already. Can't you sing something else like Cocktails for Two? Cocktails for Two. Ah, here comes the boatman. That's better. But please make it quick, Volga. I must go to my sweetheart, Olga. Olga? You mean Olga Petrov? Yes. Do you know Olga? I see. I see. How well do you know Olga? Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay. The scene now changes to the home of Olga Petrov on Zelensi Boulevard in Odessa. Half of eight o'clock. Oy, what a night. Such a miserable night in full Natasha in the hands of the Kazakhs. Oy, what a night. Who's there? It's me, Boris. Boris who? Boris Claster! Can I come in? I wouldn't leave a dog out on a night like this. Yes, yes! Come in! Hello, Olga, my darling. I got your message and came as quick as I could. Oh, Boris, I'm so glad you're here. You look tired and cold. Take off your boots and put your feet by the fire. I'm hungry, too, Olga. Do you got anything to eat? No, but keep your feet by the fire and we'll have hot dogs. Mmm! Can you pick me up a caviar sandwich? Where do you see caviar? You've got some in your hand. Oh, excuse me. Say, maybe you'd like a nice piece of herring? Herring? Yes, white meat. Hey, Boris, how about a dish of jello? Do they have jello at Russia? If they don't, it's their own fault. Thanks, Mary. Wilson, get off the stage. All right, Boris, sit down and be comfortable. I will make some tea for you. I hate to see C.C. That evening, silence C, go down C. Mmm, is that lousy. But tell me, Olga, what happened to Natasha? Be careful, Boris, not so long. There are cortex everywhere. They came here early this morning and took Natasha away. You know which one it was? Yes, Nikolai Parker. That's low life. Yes, he came here and wanted even more. So I gave him Natasha. Wasn't I smart? You gave Natasha, Olga, I'm ashamed of you. How can you act like that? You can act as good as you can. I don't mean that. Boris, someone is coming by slave. I wonder who can be? Look to the window quick. Boris, it's a caza. They're coming back. That's all I want to know. Don't worry, Olga. Open the door and let them in. What will you do? I will hide in the closet and protect you. Hey, no wind here. I'm just going in the closet. Come in. Who? Scarface Parker, chief of the Cossack. A tenor Cossack. And who is your friend? Jelloface Wilson. Well, at least that'll please the sponsor. What do you want now, you brute? You came here this morning and took away my sister Natasha. Isn't that enough, ski? Not for the two of us. I want a friend for Jelloface. Come on, babeski, you're coming with us. No, no, no. Boris, Boris. Stop, ski. What is a hair on Olga's head? Thies like a dog. Who touches a what? A hair. I don't get it. A hair, a hair. What's on your head? It's on my chin now. We're in Russia. Come on, Olga, you are going with Haas. He is not going with you. Oh, yes, she is. Come on, Olga. Over my dead body. They can't take a joke. Olga, Olga, they got me. No, it was me, Boris. Give me the credit. So it was you, my own sweetheart, who shot me. Goodbye, Kurt. Come on, boys. Badashka, Prashka, Daniel Manjana. No, they all deserted me. Left me here alone to die. Natasha gone. Olga gone. Here I am all alone. Who's there? Olga, Olga, what are you doing here? Jake sent me. Oh, Olga. I'm making out my Christmas list. Must I show you there? It's too late now. Take me back to Tishnet. And if I die before I get there, I want you to deliver a message to one of the cousins. Which one? The one with the spat. What is the message? Get a pencil and paper, Kurt. What is the message? Get a pencil and paper, quick. I'm going fast. What is the message? Please, please, tell me. What is the message? Play Don. That was the last number of the tenth program in the new Jell-O series. You see, I didn't die after all, folks. Are you glad? Oh, I almost forgot. Tonight I want to welcome Minneapolis and St. Paul to our list of stations Jell-O-Mini, Jell-O-Paul, Wilson. Say, Mary. Why? Where did those Cossacks take you to? To the Ottoman. It's a good thing I had my own nickels. Good night, folks.