 You look for out for each other, you're compassionate with one another and so on and so forth. So and there's others who have compassion, they treat their wife or they treat their husband well, but they may not have that deep love, right? And they can live for maybe 30, 40, 50 years together, but they, you know, sometimes it's just not, they didn't, it's really a lock with each other. So those two components are so beautiful and so beautifully stated in this eye. So that our beloved Prophet ﷺ he said, al-Nikahu sunnatī fa manna ad-dib'a'in sunnatī fa l-aisaminin, or fa l-aisaminin, or kamalqār ﷺ. That, you know, the marriage is from my way, is from my sunnah. Our example, our model in every aspect of life is Rasulullah ﷺ. He modeled in his life the most beautiful marriage between him and Sayyid al-Khadeegah ﷺ and the Prophet ﷺ he said, whoever turns away from my way they're not from me, they're not following my way, they're not following my path, right? So that's why marriage in Islam is a very, very, very important matter. And our Prophet ﷺ he encouraged that this is an encouragement that stands for all places, all times, all societies. Ya'ma'ashar al-shabāb, man istaqā'a minkum al-ba'a, fa liyyat al-zawwaj. The Prophet ﷺ he said, O young people, whoever is able from amongst you, whoever has emotional maturity, physical maturity, financial maturity, you're ready to get married. Get married. So the Prophet ﷺ encouraged this for people, when you're at that age and you start, you know, your body is telling you that you need to get married and you have whatever it takes to support somebody. It doesn't mean that you have a 50, 60, $70,000 a year job, doesn't mean you have to have a bachelor's degree or master's degree and so those are good things, those are obviously going to make you more stable and so on and so forth. But some people, quite honestly, are ready to get married before that and if they don't, it can be extremely difficult for them to maintain their chastity and maintain their modesty in the meantime, right? So as parents we have to think about those things while we're raising our kids. So those are just some very brief reflections that the Islamic base is for marriage. I'm talking about the benefits and the blessings of marriage, you know, it kind of touched upon a little bit, you know, the companionship, navigating life's challenges together, it's a foundation for raising a family, a source of, can be a great source of happiness, it can be a great source of pain and we know that divorce in Islam is allowed as well. So we know that that balance, I mean, there is that exception and there is that out, and Alhamdulillah, this is a halal way for men and women to be intimate with one another and to enjoy that. And it's important to see it that way and it's interesting what Suhaib was mentioning, love, you know, and Rahmah, Muwadda, love and mercy, that this is one of the reasons and this is kind of a non-scientific reasoning, but when a lot of young couples and even a lot of divorce-fabric, Americans are deep inside and so you hear this a lot of times, you know, I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore, you know, or I fell out of love, but that's where the Rahmah comes into play, you know, you have that time, no matter what, you know, there will be a time when you've had that giddy, that love feeling, but then there's that deeper love that I do things because I love you, you know, it doesn't have to mean, you know, all the time that, you know, okay, we're going to watch a movie for teenagers and we have kids and whatever, but that's when somebody makes a mistake, there's mercy, right? Somebody's not able to fulfill their part of their responsibilities for whatever reason, there's understanding, there's mercy, and that's what really creates a full and blessed marriage and when Al-Aswantala is in the center of the marriage, you know, that is the reason why the marriage was founded upon. Well, like this makes for the most successful marriage, when both individuals go into the marriage saying, we are here to please Al-Aswantala and whatever disputes we have, we take it back to Glorenza. This makes for a successful marriage, and I think we can end on that, alcohol. But, and when there are, when there's issues with Rahmah and Oatham, when there's issues with love and mercy, you know, you're just clashing to somebody and say, things are not working out, and that's when you ask Al-Aswantala for help. And Al-Aswantala will put that back into the marriage, you know, very important to remember that always, that even when things are very bleak and you ask Al-Aswantala, and of course it is his will to continue the marriage or not, but in all of those efforts, when that sincere effort is made, that is a possibility that we're allowed to put that back into the marriage. So it's a concept relationship that goes three ways, Glorenza. It's you, your spouse, and number one, Al-Aswantala, in terms of raising up a family that is open to you. Yeah, I mean, raising a family is so stressed in the focus of how that family should be raised and, you know, is exemplified in this dua, right? Rabbana hablana min azwajina wa dhuryatina qurta'a yunin waj'adna li muttaqina hina, that for our Lord bestow upon us offspring that will be the pleasure of our eyes, right, the comfort of our eyes. Our family members, our spouses and our children, we want them to always be close to us, near to us, and we're asking Allah SWT to instill that within us. And that, you know, some people, some young people, when they get married, they struggle. Before they get married, they're looking. Guys nowadays are extremely picky in terms of who they want to marry as far as looks are concerned. Overly conscious, they want to marry, you know, Miss Universe and he won't even pass for Miss, you know, he won't even be Mr. Street on his block where he lives, right? He doesn't even win the beauty contest like for two or three houses that he lives in, right? And he wants to marry Miss Universe. When you love someone, Allah SWT and when you come to someone for the right reason, Allah SWT puts that person in your eyes makes them look more beautiful than anybody else in this world, right? When you come to somebody for the right reasons, Allah SWT will make that person beautiful in your eyes. So when you look for somebody, you're looking here, you're not looking here and you're not looking at the rest of their body, you're looking at what's inside of them, right? Because that's what Allah SWT looks at. As our beloved Prophet ﷺ he says Allah is not looking at how you look and your shape and your form, he's looking at what's inside, right? That's how Allah SWT deems a person worthy or not, right? Let me know that, that taqwa is that component that is going to put you in good shape with Allah, right? So look to people in the same way, right? When you're trying to get married, you're looking for the same quality. You want to look at that quality which Allah SWT is looking at. So that should always be the focus for us pre-marriage and then of course post-marriage we're helping each other now develop that taqwa, right? Now you're in a family of God consciousness where you're working on that together. Some interesting statistics on marriage and SubhanAllah points to some interesting facts that happily married couples have a far lower rate of physical problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety and depression. SubhanAllah not to underestimate the fact that stress is really a killer and it comes up in different forms whether it be these diseases that are mentioned, people say it also can lead to cancer as well. So SubhanAllah, it's really, really important if there are couples that are struggling in the home and they're fighting, they're arguing really to take a step back and see this is not only good for our health because of these issues, it's also not good for our children as well. Because they're seeing you are the role model for what they are going to be as husband and wife. The rate of satisfaction in marriage, this is really interesting so a national poll, it's a national survey, is higher for husband and wife when both regularly maintain religious attendance and feel that God is in the center of their marriage. This is a poll done by non-Muslims, done over the whole nation. So it's very interesting again, so we said it, we know this Ta'ala SubhanAllah is really the focal point of the marriage and again, this stress, this is stressed here as well in this survey, that when Allah is in the center of the marriage then both husband and wife, they feel more satisfaction. And it's also very interesting in terms of divorce, more than three-fifths of divorce Americans wish that they had worked on their marriage harder to actually save it. And again, SubhanAllah at the end of the day, it's going to see you made a Sahara, you chose, you thought it was great, God-conscious and it doesn't work out and it ends up in divorce. So that's not the point to a fault in a person when that happens. But again, when we talk about some of the shallow reasons why people divorce from another, this really points to that. So again, it's to kind of remind those that are looking to get married, to really take things seriously and to look at equality. And of course there has to be, when Sahara is mentioning, it's really important to look at the heart and not just the outer appearance, we're really talking about setting the bar so high, becoming so thick it has to be this size and this hair color and eye color. Of course there has to be acceptance, you know, so that there is some attraction. But again, not setting it as a model. We have to be super smart. Any other? Okay. I wanted to jump in here. And, you know, for those of you that are married and the child of those of you that are thinking about marriage, it's important to realize that marriage is not a status quo. It's not static. Just like you are not static. So how can you expect, now there's two people involved and of course there's going to be children and then there's the in-laws and then there's all kinds of co-workers and friends and what have you. So all of those things are not static. How would a marriage be? You know, if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you're like, oh, well, my wife is always this way. So I'm always going to continue this way and I'm going to treat her this way and same thing, my husband, we always do this and it's okay, it's not a big deal. And to continue with that type of thought process can really create a losing situation. So anytime you analyze your relationship and you feel like these are not going well or happy, you know, my spouse, blah, blah, blah, look at yourself first. What are you doing to contribute to the relationship? How is your relationship with Allah? That's something you should be asking yourself. Not always to blame it on the spouse. When your relationship with Allah is correct, it's on the right track, you will feel barqa and everything, not only your spouse and relationship that work with the kids, so on and so forth. So that's something really important. Also, you're the way that you feel about yourself. You know, what are you doing? And there's phases of life, right? Maybe it's an early stage, maybe life is not working, maybe husband's not working in the beginning, you know, maybe later when there's kids, there's a period of time when somebody's at home, maybe later in life. All those different times, you may start to internalize your own frustrations with yourself perhaps, or your own life situation and reflect that onto your spouse. But maybe it's just that you're not happy with yourself. So that's something also to consider when you're reflecting upon the status of your relationship. What are your strengths and weaknesses? Are you hot tempered? Are you sometimes aloof? It's easy for you to kind of get lost in your own self. Is there some kind of things that take you away from the family that maybe could be a stressor to the household? So what are your strengths and weaknesses? Again, look at yourself first before you start really thrashing your spouse and putting them down. And again, the beauty of Ahmad Muwadah when there's mercy in the relationship, it can keep that love alive. When there's mercy, you realize that the relationship, it's not all about you. It's two people and realizing that people change. So things went this way for five years. Okay, well, that person doesn't want to do that anymore. Or they don't feel it, certainly. Whatever it is, I don't like this routine. They change, so you can't just feel it. Well, this is not the way I found you when I married you. People change. Usually it's not dramatic, but again, that flexibility. It's a constant reflection process. Marriage is not static. So to expect that to stay the same, it would be foolish. Part of the problem is that women have certain expectations and men have certain expectations. By the way, this is talking about this issue of change. When women marry men, they expect them to change. Men don't change. And when men marry women, they expect them to forever look beautiful. But they change, right? So there are some changes that take place. What are you trying to say? I think that was a bad idea. I just see it. It's a perfect plan to change everything about a man. How do you know that? You just have to say something. Nobody should expect that they can change somebody else. But we can compromise. This is the word. We need to compromise in order to get along with our differences and to reach a middle point. Nobody can change anybody. Everybody in the relationship, he's going to change over the time. I can change her in my way. Nobody can change. But we need to compromise. I recommend it. And you feel satisfied when you feel like, okay, this time he gave in a little bit to me, but next time on this issue, it matters more to him on this issue. I'm going to give it on this. So you give and take. Then that's a happy situation. And it's not tit for tat. I did this, you did that. Everything is flex. Everything is just constantly moving. Although women have an easy memory of real. Score cards always keep you track. But you don't get that when you first get married. How do you think that you're a new couple? That it all, you know, things change. When you first get married, you're just trying to, you know, change the other person. Absolutely. And that's why, I think it's very helpful. I know that Swah Alhamdulillah, when he was doing marriage stuff, that he required, he talked about that, he required a couple before they get married. If they sit with you. Yeah, of course. It's important, you know, when you get married. Islamically, a man and a woman should get to a point where they accept each other for what they are. They should know enough about each other that they feel comfortable with each other before they tie the knot. We live in a different generation than our parents and others. When people would, they would literally see each other one time if that or on their parents' recommendation and they would marry, right? We don't live in that time. We're bombarded with so much media and so many images of what women are and what men are and who they should be and what they should be like. And also in the education system that we grew up in, in the workplace, men and women interact freely and so on and so forth. And at that level, education at least was segregated to a large extent in many places and so on and so forth. So my point being that it's important that people get to know each other before they get married and they're comfortable with one another. Of course, what does that level of how much they should get to know? It's a subjective thing. There's boundaries that one should follow as long as those are considered and those are followed. That's fine. But the point is two people should know each other and understand each other before they get married and they should understand what their weaknesses of the other party is. You're not going to understand completely what their weaknesses are until you're together before marriage. It's a big show. You're putting on your best face. She's putting on her best face and so on. But there should be some level of interaction where you have some understanding of who the other person is and not ending up with somebody completely different once you actually start marriage. What I was pointing to in the now that they require a couple of meetings with the man before couples get married and I think that's helpful and I think a lot of times you've got couples in that direction that need just kind of the general advice before marriage to make sure that they understand each other. So Joao for the kids generation now will be experienced and tell them that we'll have some safe lives inshallah. It was interesting. Somebody asked me where you're going later today so I can talk about marriage and of course we're here to learn from you as well. It was an older woman and she said do people really go to these things? Can somebody really benefit from it? Everybody comes into a relationship. They don't change. She's a little bit sour. I said you know, so kind of people who really fear al-asqa al-ta'ala they will, doesn't have to come to a marriage and talk but they will be concerned. Am I doing the right thing? Am I pleasing al-asqa al-ta'ala? Even if you're making mistakes, even if you've wanted to have people look at you, you would be the type of person to be ready to accept advice. It doesn't mean you can be able to improve everything. Maybe you'll catch one thing tonight. Maybe I'm going to catch one thing tonight. I'm going to go home and try to work on that. And that's the beauty about Islam. When we understand this concept of taking account of yourself, it's not just me and how is my prayer five times a day and my do I complete Hajj or not or do I pace again, but it's also how do I interact with other people? It's not just my relationship with al-asqa al-ta'ala. Alhamdulillah every time I'm in Salah, I'm wonderful but I go and I'm back writing and I'm angry and I'm mean, I'm putting other people down. I'm nice to people outside of the home and then I come and dump on my spouse and on my children. And the dog, we have it. They're in the back room. This concept of keeping yourself accountable is really important and this should push ourselves to constantly better ourselves in all aspects of life, particularly in marriage. This ayah, al-asqa al-ta'ala says, I believe it's the only ayah where al-asqa al-ta'ala says that have taqwa of al-asqa al-ta'ala, be conscious of him be fearful of him, be mindful of him where he says it before the concept and right after the concept which obviously means in between those two times when al-asqa al-ta'ala says have taqwa pay attention to what's in the middle what's in the middle here every soul should pay attention for what it's putting forth for tomorrow. In other words be mindful of your time and how you use it how you spend it or what you do with it the most amount of time that we spend with anybody is with our families is with your family so that private life of yours let it be right be mindful of al-asqa al-ta'ala in that time like she said many people put on a very good face outside the house but inside the house there's somebody else don't be that person be mindful of al-asqa al-ta'ala everywhere you are in between closed doors in private even with yourself when you were sitting in front of the TV and watching the TV by yourself and what you're allowing yourself to see when you're sitting with your wife alone with your kids alone or whatever it is that you should be just as mindful of al-asqa al-ta'ala there than when you are outside in public and obviously in public we all straighten up and we try to put on a nice pose and you're more conscious of what you do but al-asqa al-ta'ala says everywhere all the time we try to touch upon the concept sometimes can be a source of conflict and marriages, you know what are the rights and duties of spouses and I think usually I don't want to be stereotypical but it can tend to be a morbid issue perhaps of men's expectations of what women should be doing and the misunderstanding of household chores household responsibilities we're coming upon a time where many households have two people working all and unfortunately and I think this happens more so people who have a lot of cultural expectations where the man will still this can be an issue where man can still expect that okay well the woman should be at home and take care of the children and all the house duties that cannot be the same when both people are working all of this is comprehensive understanding you know talking about what do you like to do what do I like to do, what do we do best and let's work on that together whether the husband is that woman, the wife is working or the woman is that woman, the husband is working that has to be a concept conversation it's nothing I'm using so elsewhere it's something that's black and white you have to do this otherwise you're not a good husband or you're not a good wife I want to just make sure that there's no misconstruing of that concept the man is responsible for the household fighting to be right, that's understood I didn't want that to be lost yes, that's one good that's one good you know one thing that's there that's for a man who's not sure of his responsibility financial responsibility to the home again there's a layoff or something that's a different story but for someone to say no I'm going to be home you have to go work that's not there, the man is responsible for that so again rights and duties and spouses in terms of household chores that has to be something flex any other thoughts on this of course there are the rights upon one another of course it's to treat each one with respect to keep the guard the secrets of each other not to expose them on the outside you know with this world of Facebook and Twitter people are exposing a lot about their families and SubhanAllah even this is just my advice this is kind of stepping aside a bit but your family is sacred what you and your husband do you and your wife, you and your spouse but what you do, where you go when you put it out there realize that people look at that and they're like wow they're going here they're going there and they're always happy and you know people SubhanAllah they get jealous because maybe I just had a fight with my spouse and somebody posted oh look what my husband gave me double you know two dozen roses and we went to this restaurant you know it makes people feel bad right and at the same time you know it's also creating a false reality that everybody's happy all the time you know somebody might have just fought and they posted that picture not to say that somebody cannot have an awesome relationship all the time but God bless me you know some things are a gem you don't have to always put it out there this is something precious always ask what's found out put marika in it and you don't want to create that content cycle I mean I know people that have left Facebook for years because they taught themselves always ideas of other people vacations, children all kinds of good things happen our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he taught us that to share private matters of the whole particularly intimacy is something that is absolutely forbidden right you're not allowed to talk about affairs of intimacy outside of your home with your with your spouse and an extension of that is your romantic relationship right it's it's not the exact same as intimacy but what she's talking about you know people posting nowadays on social media look what my husband got me you know that type of dialogue that's something for you and your spouse alone that's not to be shared with the whole world to have that value it enjoy it but between you and him why does anybody else in the world need to know about I think that's very very important you don't know what type of effects that can have on your own selves and on others our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he told us is is the kitsman right that seek help in the fulfilling of your duties with secrecy with privacy do your stuff and don't tell the whole world about it right what is the whole world need to know about what you and your husband Where you went on vacation or what you did in this and posting it out literally to the whole world, right? That is not There's no benefit in that there is no benefit in that if somebody can come up to me afterwards and give me a benefit I'm willing to listen, but It does a thousand times more harm than it will do Help so that's very very important this issue by the way of rights and duties of spouses and Islam It's a it's a big topic. It's not a small topic. We just we've glossed it over And oftentimes this is a point of contention When husband and wife struggle Because one party says this is what you're supposed to do another party this says what you're supposed to do those kind of Negotiation so to speak when people get stuck on them You should seek some you know some mediation to help you with that right whether that be Going to someone who's learned a family member a counselor or whoever it may be But that that issue of rights and duties is a big is a big Dividing point where people misunderstand what I'm supposed to do as a woman what I'm supposed to be the husband And so so we didn't want to leave that, you know and without making that point I Have a quick question or Maybe it's an assumption But individuals or let's say sisters or brothers that do post spouse information when they're married couple of the nation Could it be because of a sense of insecurity or wanting to be recognized or a sense of low self-esteem or something of that nature absolutely Yeah, absolutely that could be a process Wife can talk about That's a very good point I mean he's looking into the psychology of why you know somebody would post about their their intimate relationship or or about what my husband got me or this and that the other does that show some insecurity about the other partners Side and yeah, perhaps it does along the out and should you know should those Discussions and should that and I'm really curious, you know, so follow when people make those postings To that gratitude that they're showing publicly. Do they really do they really reflect that back on their spouse? you know do they really thank them and do they really appreciate them and and you know and show them In with love and care and affection To the same extent that they just throw out in the public It's a very good point and I think that speaks to Why do you social media in general, right? I mean, I'm guilty of it sometimes, you know, I post things I want to say like Or you know personal relationship stuff, but you know, why do people use social media in general? So it may not even just be why did she post? Oh, you know, we did this together. We went to this restaurant friend You know, what have you but in general, I mean Supanala it feeds the ego, right? And this is something really to be guarded and I'm telling you for personal experience I'm sure all of you have felt that at sometimes, you know, it Facebook is tricky Twitter all those kind of things You know what why are you posting just ask yourself just like we have to guard our tongue This is another means of communication. Why am I posting this? You know, what is the benefit am I gonna harm anyone ask yourself that and then again all of us can be guilty There's a one point so something to think about. It's not just about personal relationship Well anything that you post, you know person communication super key Subhanala key to successful marriage is having Communication and what does that mean? By the way, it is interesting. I think there's a A Fact of that 90% it's kind of high 90% of Communication is actually non-verbal Not verbal. What does that mean? So somebody, you know, who's you know, very straightforward in their speech and whatever does not very flowery They say, you know, well, I didn't say something but their face is like this or they're like this Well, I was anything, you know, but the all the white language would like to show you I show frustration this interest or what have you so that's really interesting. That's really important to understand how Each spouse communicates, you know, I understand it's somebody more verbal as somebody more non-verbal What are the cues understanding how you speak? Maybe you don't understand that you give certain cues I think that's so true but I think just even with you know any relationship people like to use this a lot to kind of Priests or assume how the other person is feeling and I feel like that kid that can go two ways Like somebody's by language might seem angry upset, but then really the other person is just like oh and totally okay And then that becomes blown up and it takes time. That's a very good point and it takes time But with time, you know, your partner's body language and what it means, right? Everybody has a different way of life So my when I smile I smile like this That's a big smile for me When she smiles you see how she smiles, right? But when you know each other you understand those parameters, so You're right in what you're saying, but it comes to a point when your relationship is solid and you still You will understand each other's cute, but it's a good point. You should always inquire Yeah A lot of this is understanding yourself so when you understand yourself you can understand yourself Oh, wow, it's different. So then there's some understanding there These are kind of not really in particular order But between husband and wife in the beginning you feel like you have all the time in the world as work It's more a busy life. It's busy. You have in-laws your family. You have children. Hello That's like a big time. You know, especially this age all of you guys this age of children You know, you want to start talking like mommy and it's right in between you or daddy Then you know, you don't even get a chance to talk and a lot of times that that's a source of friction Not spending enough time with each other. It's very interesting. It's actually a source of friction So that when you do have a few minutes you start fighting It's like it doesn't make sense that actually fighting because you actually miss each other and you even haven't had a chance that quality time So you start picking up the surface things Knit picking that's why you know America's bigger a lot But in reality, you haven't had that good quality time to spend with one another So make appointments with each other, you know at whatever stage of life make an appointment You may think I'll go home. We're retired. I see you every day make a lunch point that let's go out You know Tuesday, let's go out. Let's do this special thing. So it changes the flow You know when you when there's a younger you have kids, you know, say hey every night or maybe once a week Whatever it is. We're it's just gonna be you and me But no phone no Facebook no email, you know, unless it's an emergency We're not you know, we're putting that aside put the kids to bed and enjoy each other Even sometimes it's 15 minutes 20 minutes. You felt like maybe you got some of the house business done Hey, you can't spell no car. What's going on job? You know, but then you actually get to like talk about fun stuff could be something even in that level So that's very important understanding the emotion behind the words somebody just came home from work Somebody had a bad day at home. Whatever it is and someone is Raging, you know, it takes a lot of maturity and it takes a lot of What you know calm this within the other person to be able to say I know they're not mad at me I'm gonna let this go. I'm not gonna say why are you going and what have you, right? You're understanding that someone else's having a bad day has nothing to do with you and that takes a lot of practice stuff But that's really important and that's that's part of that mercy, right? That's part of that Love that and adding to that your expectation in my case like just to travel at all when he will come home He was exhausted or traveling for working I he wanted me to recognize his effort. I was exhausted from taking care of the kids and all that I was like I should be treated like that queen and he should talk he should be So it's a lot of what you expect from the other person and how to get to that middle It's a lot. Yeah, it really is That's a perfect example It's almost an experience We fall into blind communication Everyone thinks like every other part Things that they need to be heard they need to be like the other one is it's like sometimes you just feel like if you could switch to You know positions like you'll be on the other side and the other person would be on the other side Maybe you'll be understood. That does help. Yes. That does help too. By the way, you know, especially with stay at home situations you know, um I found that with myself that a lot of times something I felt like I wasn't being understood or or or maybe And it's not the fault of the other person. They just haven't experienced that Then when you switch roles it doesn't have to be for a long time. It could be for just a day A couple hours you really do get to appreciate and imagine if you came home from traveling and all of a sudden, you know, you know There's expectations, whatever you're like, okay, you know, I you totally get it when you switch So we've done a number of communication setting up rules. This is very difficult for me not to interrupt the other person You know, especially when you're trying to be heard if you're really trying to resolve a situation You know, so you guys have to kind of set your rules for for and and try to find easy ways to remind each other And this is also going to talk to stick to but blaming the other person saying you always and you never it slips Nobody's perfect, but automatically puts the person on the defensive You say, you know, I'm having a tough time In understanding this or you know, I really felt hurt when this happened yesterday So it is still talking about a situation that your spouse is involved in but you're not out of the same You It's a very it sounds really Technical, but honestly it doesn't put somebody on the defensive right away It really helps to kind of separate the person so they can be a little bit subjective. It's not a small thing. Sorry objective as much as possible And then when the other person's talking we understand that some people and this has to be between men and women Sometimes it's not just a gender thing. Some are more talkative than others. Some really want to be understood maybe Even if you know, one is more talkative. No, I said maybe the one that's less talkative Has an issue and you're just tired or whatever But you want to that you want to make the other person feel like they're being heard So show them that you're listening, right? Don't doodle. This is deadly to conversation. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah Just stop what you know and sometimes you need to remind other person. Please stop I need your attention like listen to what I'm saying So don't interrupt by picking at your fingernails doing the phone Have a real conversation and pick the right time. Don't do it in the middle of dinner when the kids are screaming Somebody has to go to the bathroom. There's an alarm going off, you know, don't pick a long time for an important conversation Um and and again to try to remember not to raise your voice in front of other family members Some people have joint family situations or in front of children. That's not really setting the right message to them So I'm off next Sure Sorry, uh, it seems like there was one that I actually came across which was Um If there's a moment of emotional distress between the husband or spouse The husband or the spouse can say let's take a five minute break And or let's talk about this tomorrow I know that was in there as it's sometimes it's better to just Be patient and it's the next day or a lot more common Yeah, different couples have different ways of communicating. So you have to figure out what works So some people it can drive The opposite party nuts if you tell them, you know, if you walk out the door, right? Um, it's the worst form of disrespect for another couple that may be a good thing and it works for that Right. So you have to find out what works for you and when things get really heated and really bad What do you do? You know, what do you and you can talk about that at calm times, you know what when because it happens it's going to happen It uh, those conversations those arguments those Fights Is that's part of the marriage, right? But also regulating And making sure that there is some semblance of Yeah, so what decency, right? That's the right word to those conversations That's still important. So you couples have to figure out. There's no right formula for any, you know, one black and white formula for everybody So would you say prevention plays a key role? prevention Letting before you get into the marriage or conflict you guys are already discussing Okay, if both of us are very very distressed You know, this is the And you're Because I know in the health field The mental health field they talk about prevention prevention prevention prevention. Don't wait till the onset But work on the prevention and I'm wondering if that's It may I mean it's it's good to have ground rules, you know also when you do when you talk about meetings and having dealing with different sorts of Mediation or you know conflict there has to be ground rules, right? And so we're talking about that too. So sometimes you have to get into it You know, there's not much of an option But you can't we can't cross these boundaries, right? And when you cross these boundaries, you completely disrespect me And that's not acceptable, right? So and what those boundaries are they there's a negotiation And it's good for a husband and wife to know each other at that. No, it's important because marriages will break over those Undiscussed boundaries, right? You disrespect me beyond anything. I'm done. We're done You know, no, if you understand the other person and there it can save a lot of that headache right I think we'll open it up for questions now. It's it's one more Oh, go ahead. Uh, so having to let kids Sort of glossing over it, you know, remember that they're in Amanda from a lot of Make sure that we spend all the time and that's part of the healthy marriage, right? Is your kids as well um Sharing the responsibility of the kids um discussing expectations and again, remember that you're modeling to your children how to be a good husband and wife So, you know, you want to make sure as much as you can that you are modeling that in the way you communicate and Keeping your dirty laundry, you know, private as much as you can and what happened. Um, there's another Uh, we didn't want to talk about intimacy as an extremely important aspect of marriage And I don't think it's discussed enough. Uh, again, we're all going to details, uh, but but it's important to to really Talk about this issue. Let me say let me let me give the Summary of this issue in one you can read the points there. I was in the counseling session the other day. I was counseling someone and this woman We have an intake form the agency I work with We have an intake form that standard that we take people's information, etc, etc And so when it comes to marriage issues, you know, there's different questions. One of them is on intimacy So I said to her, you know, I said, I'm sorry about this question a sensitive question Um, how is the intimate relationship between you and your, um, husband? And her answer was, uh, to me was, you know, thank you so much for asking, uh, shift, um, doctor