 Camels, the cigarette that's first in the service present the Abbott and Costello program. With the music of Leeds Stevens at his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes and the Camel Quinn Tep, tonight's guest Miss Marlena Dietrich and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Oh, Costello. Oh, Abbott. Will you stop that noise? What are you doing here in the studio dressing your bathing suit? Well, I spent all day trying to get my car out of the swimming pool. What was it doing there? Don't you read the papers, Abbott? The government says you have to pool your car. No, you dummy. They mean share the ride. You have to pick up people. Oh, I did that yesterday. I picked up Helen, Mary, Rosie, and Josie. But your car holds more than that? Yeah. But now they only allow you four gulls a week. Fine that, Costello. Where have you been all week? What have you been doing? Oh, boy, have I been having a phone with Connie Haynes. No kidding. Last Saturday, I took her to a football game. What a game! What excitement! Any passes? No. Her mother was with us. And another thing, Abbott. And another thing, Abbott. There was a man sitting next to us with a six-month-old baby. All afternoon, the kid was crying. He was so hungry. Well, didn't the father bring a bottle? Yeah, but the kid wanted milk. Shut the kid up. I give him a penny. Well, did I keep him quiet? Yeah. But he kept waving the penny in front of my binoculars. He ruined the game. How did it ruin the game? All afternoon, Lincoln was playing in the backfield. Don't forget the football game. Much better this afternoon, huh? Yes, yes, yes. A lot better. We've got other things to worry about. You know, our announcer, Ken Niles, is complaining because he didn't have enough to do last week. Isn't that right, Ken? Yes, it is. After all, I could give the program a lift. I'm a shot in the arm. You said it. You're a dope. Now, don't be silly, Castella. Niles is very popular. Why, sure. Right after the broadcast last week, a lot of women chased me a polywood boulevard and one of them caught me and threw her arms around my neck. I saw that. You did? Yeah. You snatched her pocketbook. Now, cut it out, Castella. Now, I talked to Ken's wife and she says, uh, he should have more lines. She says he's got talent. She says he's terrific. She says he's colossal. She says this. She says that. I don't care what his wife says. Well, I do. My wife is a wonderful person. She's as necessary to me as is an umbrella and a rainstorm. I'll take the umbrella. It's easier to shut up. No. Now, why don't you be reasonable, Castella? Mrs. Niles is a very sweet girl. Yeah, she is. She's a great deal like Sonya, honey. You mean you have to keep her on ice? Please. Are you folks hearing us? Now, wait a minute. Just a minute. Now, that isn't fair, Castella. Now, let's get together here. Give Ken a chance to show what he can do. Okay. Thanks, bud. I'd like to read a little tidbit that I could just happen to bring along. Oh, this is going to murder you. One night as I sat rocking, rocking on my chamber floor, came a knocking, gentle knocking, knocking on my chamber door. Closer raven, nevermore. Closer raven, nevermore. There, how'd you like that? Don't look now, but the raven just laid a name. Hello, everybody, and hello, my fat little sugar man. Oh, this voice of this kid is temperane. Quiet, quiet. Hello, Connie. Mr. Castella, honey, I'd like you and Mr. Abbott to meet someone. This is my Aunt Ruby. Hello. Nice to meet you. Hi, Aunt Ruby. How do you like California? Well, I have enough to do. Wait a minute. After all that. I listened to the program last week, and there should be more music. Connie ought to sing 45 songs. There's nothing but talk on the program, and who wants to hear a lot of talk, talk, talk, talk. Talk, talk, talk, talk. Oh, yeah. Why, even I sang in New York, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago. What about St. Louis? They beat the Yanks. Well, that time. You struck me out, eh? Mm-hmm. And you're just the old bat that can do it. Oh, yeah. Now, just a second, Castella. You can't talk like that to Connie's Aunt Ruby. She's right. Maybe this program needs more singing. Exactly. Everyone loves singing. Something like this. Oh, you know, I just had my tonsils taken out. Have them put back in. Castella, what right have you got to criticize? What do you know about singing? Now, look, Abbott, if I hadn't come from such a large family, I'd have been a great singer. What does the large family have to do with it? I could never get in the bathroom. Oh, no. Come on, Castella, make up your mind. Are you going to give Niles and Connie more to do or not? Why should I? If I give them more to do, the first thing you know, even the sound man will want more to do. And why shouldn't I? What did I have on last week's program? Nothing. Not even a door slam. I understand doors. I know doors inside and out. I talk to doors and they talk to me. What do you hear from the knob? How well may you laugh? Little do you know how important every little sound is to me. Even the sound of a morph chewing on an overcoat. Like this. What's that funny sound? That's the morph spitting out the buttons. I... Don't you think sounds are fascinating? Here is a sample of my day. When work is through, I walk home at night in the rain. I open the door. I go in and shut the door. Then I walk upstairs in the rain. It's raining in the house. Yes, we're waiting for a government ceiling. He must have a better rider than us, huh? I imagine so. I jump into bed and sleep. It's morning. What a night! I've got to catch the train. I kiss my wife before I go to the office. My wife kisses me. I kiss her and she kisses me. Wait a minute. What about the office? With a wife like that, why should he go to the office? Luke Costello. Yes, sir. For me? Yeah. How's your spelling this week? I can spell anything. Okay, spell crumpets. Crumpets. Yeah, crumpets. Crumpets. K. No. Crumpets. C-R-U-M-P-E-S. Oh, wait a minute. You're left out to tea. Today, I got to have crumpets without tea. Why? I lost my sugar ration card. Oh, wait a minute. Ration card. Yeah. Anyway. Ration or ration. Look, around here, you can't forget any teas. Why not? Well, because with us, it's important. In fact, with any cigarette smoker, tea ought to be one of the most important letters in the alphabet. Is that right? Why, sure, tea stands for taste and throat. That's anybody's own personal proving ground cigarettes, the tea zone. Now, of course, most people have tried camels, but have you tried them lately since you've been smoking more? Give camels the tea zone test now. Ask your taste about camels' flavor. You'll find it wears well, doesn't go flat. Ask your throat about camels' mildness. It's the best judge you can find. Thousands of smokers who are making their own tea zone test advise camels suit them. Through a tea. Just remember that you're the one who's doing your smoking. For steady pleasure, try camels. You'll find their slow burning, cooler smoking, richer tasting, milder, better. Because camels are expertly and matchlessly blended of costlier tobaccos. So take a tip from your tea zone. Your throat and your taste will tell you. C-A-N-E-L-S. Camels, get a fact tonight. You'll want to buy a carton tomorrow. On a February morning, the time it came before it was born. Abraham, Abraham. Folks all call him honest, Abraham, president. Quintet, doing Abraham from the holiday in. And now ladies and gentlemen, all quiet. What's the matter? Hey look, look what I got. Look at all the money. Wait a minute, Costella. Where did you get that roll of bills? I went outside for a minute. Just when I reached the corner, a guy ran out of the bank with a bank full of money. And he gave me some. He gave it to you. What did he look like? I couldn't tell. He had such a bad cold, he had a handkerchief tied across his nose. Well, you dumb clerk, that was a mask. The man was a bank robber. Oh, I don't think so, Abbott. He was the president. He offered to sell me the bank for a squawk. Sell you the bank for a squawk? Yeah, he said, one squawk out of you, and I'll give you the business. Dumb bills. Why didn't you go into the bank and investigate? I did go in. I went away to run a business. I walked in and a couple of clerks were playing hide-and-seek. That's ridiculous. Honest. One guy was hiding in the closet. The other guy was under the counter. There was nobody around to play with him. Then there was another guy. What other guy? He was trying to do tricks. Trying to do tricks? Yeah, he was laying on the floor trying to escape from a lot of ropes. And you thought he was playing a game? Trying time to play games. Huh? Yeah. Especially when he had a toothache. He didn't have a toothache. No, then why did he have a plaster across his mouth? The man had a gag in his mouth. If he did, he never got a chance to tell it. Listen, you should have taken the plaster off his mouth. I did. And right away, a guy started worrying about his rationing card. Worrying about his rationing card. Yeah, he started yelling, they took the sugar. They took the sugar. Oh, no, no, no. Castell, the man was yelling because he was stuck up. Stuck up? Sure. A fine time to get a swelled head. No. Somebody might have robbed the place. He did rob the place. Look, was there anybody with him? Just a woman. A woman. Why didn't you mention her before? She didn't appeal to me. Oh. Did you pinch her? No. Then you should have held her. If I'd have held her, I'd have pinched her. You idiot! A little bit. Do you realize that by keeping the money and letting the crooks get away, you've made yourself an accomplice? Ken Niles. Turn on the radio. Maybe we'll get a police report. Hurry up. Okay, bud. Okay. Hey. Can you get an habit? What's that? There's a message. Well, what does it say? Hold up by Black Pete and his gang of desperate bandits. When last seen, the gang was headed for their hideout at Dead Pan Gulch. Also at large, is there a accomplice? Describe this five feet tall... That's me. Mr. Five by Five. Castell, you know the police are after you. Now you've got to capture that gang to clear yourself. Uh, now you can't do it alone. So call a posse. That's the thing. Okay. Hip-pushy-pushy-pushy. No, no, no, no, no. Hip-pushy. No, no, please. Dead Pan Gulch is the... In the heart of the cattle country, it's the home of the Western bandits and cattle rustlers. Then I'm just a guy, Abbott. I became a three-letter man chasing cattle rustlers. Oh, how could you become a three-letter man chasing cattle rustlers? I sat on a branding iron. But does that cause you to catch the rustlers? Catch them? I passed them. But this is going to be a long trip. You'll have to get an outfit. What are you going to wear? Oh, we're a 10-gallon hat, a tan shirt, a leather belt, and a bloodhound. What pants? The bloodhound. No, all right. Never mind the outfit. One other thing you lead is a horse. Have you got a horse? Have I got a horse? Yes. I got a horse. And he's my pal. Well, that's swell. I eat with my horse. That's wonderful. I drink with my horse. I even sleep with my horse. You sleep with your horse? I got it. It's just blanket. Now tell me, can you ride a horse? Sure, I can ride a horse. One time, Abbott, I rode two horses at once, standing up. I had my right foot on one horse, my left foot on the other horse. All of a sudden, we came to a fork in the road. Each horse went in a different direction. That was all I had. Yeah? You thought I'd split? I... Well, never mind. The first thing... The first thing you have to do is find the bandit's trail. When you do, you leap into the saddle and away you go. Your face is stirring. Your grip is sure. Your clutch is firm. How's my transmission? All right. I'll ask him. Please keep quiet. Then you ride. You ride out across the prairie. You ride for hours and hours on end. That sounds logical. Don't interrupt me. You ride and you ride until your trousers are worn thin. Finally, there you are. I knew I'd come through. Yeah. Well, Castello, what are you going to do? Are you going out after the bandits? Are you going to clear your name? I'm going to clear my name, Abbott. Had a boy. I'll do it. I know it was in you. I'm going to get it out of me right now. Come on. I'll get them bandits. But just tell me one thing. If I get killed, what's going to happen to that little fellow that depends on me? The poor little fellow won't get anything to eat anymore. That poor little fellow won't even have a roof over his head. If anything happens, Abbott, it'll kill him. The poor little fellow... Who is the poor little fellow? Me? Connie Haynes with the Campbell Climber to sing a new tune of the Old West, cow-cow boogie. Out on the plain, down near Santa Fe, I met a cowboy, riding the range one day. And as it jogged along, I heard him singing a most peculiar cowboy song. It was a ditty, come a-tay-ay-ay. Come a-tay-yip-tay-ay. Get along. Come a-tay-yip-tay-ay. He's singing his cowboy song. And I clad with a hawk. And Costello as we find them hot on the trail of the bank bandit Black Pete. Leading a posse of men, they tracked the villain to the lawless town of Deadpan Gulch. Here they are, riding up the main street of the town. Like a spurs that jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle. What's wrong? What's wrong? One of my spurs got stuck. Costello, what do you think you're doing? Why are you riding underneath your horse? Well, my horse isn't feeling well, Abbott. And the doctor told me to watch his stomach. Here we are, men. We'll probably find Black Pete in the Red Dog Cafe across the street. Stop your horse. Okay. Whoa! What a boy. And listen, Costello, when we go through this door, have your gun ready. If anybody moves, shoot. If anybody shoots, I'll move. Hey, Abbott, listen to that. What a pair of pipes. Wish I was a plumber. Costello, don't you recognize her? She's a toast to the dead-pained goats. Really? They're playing the detrick. That face has made a fortune. Yeah, it runs into a nice figure. Hello, boys. Hello, boys. How big are men where you come from? Welcome to the Red Dog Cafe. Did you like my song? What do you think of my range? Your range is lovely. In fact, I like your whole kitchen. Oh, you flatter me. You'll probably be tired after your long trip. How about a drink? Okay. I'll have a Crosby cocktail. What's that? One drink and then bing. With your personality, I would suggest straight corn. What a fresh kid. Just a minute, Marlene. You see, neither one of us is a drinking man. Do you have anything a little milder? Try a drink of this very mild wine. That sounds better. I'll try it. What's the matter? I don't understand. That wine is made here by the Hopi Indians. Hopi Indians? The word of the Indians is still hopping in it. Can't still do that silly. Come on. Let's go over and watch the boys play roulette. Yes. Or perhaps you both would rather play a game with me. Poker, Farrell, blackjack. I'd rather play post office. But that's a kid's game. Not the way I play it. No, little fat man. I could go for someone like you. You could? Yes. Do you know someone? Sure. What a fresh kid, I bet. Now look, keep quiet, Castella. Don't talk like that to Marlene. She may know where Black Pete is. Try to win her confidence. Turn on the charm, you know. I'll turn on the charm. Okay, watch me. Marlene. My love. I adore you. You do, right? Yeah. Marlene, will you let me be your slave? Will you let me do something for you that I have never done for any other woman? What that? Will you let me press your slacks? Castella, will you stop that? You just don't know how to handle these Western girls. Oh, yes, I do, Abbott. Marlene, one time I was in love with a bully at Cowgirl. She was too bullied to run at the kettle. What do you mean? Well, she had a terrible time getting her calves together. What are you talking about, Castella? You've never even been in love with a girl. Yes, I was. I can see her now. She always wore cotton stockings. Cotton stockings? What happened to her? Nothing. But of all the girls, I got tattooed on my chest. On your chest? Marlene, I love you the best. The best? Better than the rest. The rest? In the West. The West? On my chest. On your chest? On my joint. Well, there's no question about it, Castella. Marlene Dietrich just can't be bothered with a man like you. Marlene, is that true? Oh, Lou, if you only had the eyes of Clark Gable. Yes. The nose of Tyrone Power. Yes, yes. The chin of Gary Cooper. Yes. The face. The face of who? That's all, if you only had a face. You know, if the kids get nursed. Well, look here, Castella. We're wasting time. Did you forget why we came to Dead Pan Girls? We've got to find Black Pete's hideout. Black Pete. He's the most dangerous character in this park. Oh, he don't bother me. But he's very tough. He eats little men like you every morning when he gets up. That's me. The breakfast of champions. But Lou, why don't you give up this mad search? It can only lead to your death. I think you've got something there, kid. Hey, Abbott. I am scared. Aren't you scared? No, I am not scared. Then why are you biting my nails? But no matter what happens, I'm going after Black Pete, Marlene. And if I die, I want you to take this shirt of mine as a keepsake. But suppose you don't die. Then wash it and have it back by Monday. And no starch in the collar, either. Listen, Castella, cut out the foolishness. Now we line up everybody in the room until we find our man. That's right, Abbott. Everybody line up and empty out your pockets. Why are you making them empty their pockets? I lost my yoyo. Now wait a minute, boys. It's not necessary to look any further. I am Black Pete. You are? What a fresh kid! What a stale plot. I think you've got something there. Marlene, I still don't believe all this is true. It is true. I took the money from the bank, but I did not steal it. It was my own money. It was my pin money. A hundred thousand dollars pin money? I have very expensive pins. If you don't believe me, I'd show you. I have all the money right here in my stocking. Look, Abbott, what a cute bank! What a place to make it the proper! Oh, Marlene, if I give you all my money from the bank, will you put it in your other stocking? Certainly. Castella, don't be an idiot. Your money is safer in the bank. Why do you want to put it in her stocking? Because that's where it's going to draw the most interest. Before we hear from Abbott and Castella again, do you want to find out how hitting ground feels to a paratrooper? Well, just hop off the top of a truck going 15 miles an hour. But don't try that until you're as husky as an all-American halfback and as nimble as a circus tumbler. Even then, you'd have to learn plenty to qualify for the chute troops. Fighters as tough as any in the world. And whether your job is to dangle in mid-air from silk cords, or whether you're making the chutes, you want to get the most out of your off-duty moments. Take Helen Lynch, for instance. She works at the Pioneer Parachute Company, making some of the chutes used by our paratroopers. Like so many of us, Miss Lynch is smoking more these days, and she sticks to camels. She said, quote, package after package, camels never tire my taste or wear out their welcome. They have such a rich, full flavor, and they're so easy on my throat. Unquote. Camel is first in the service. Actual sales records in post-exchanges and canteen show that with men in the Army, the Navy, the Marine Corps, and the Coast Guard, camel is the favorite. Why is that? But just ask your own throat and taste. Camels have a full, rich flavor, the kind that wears well, doesn't go flat. Camels are milder, too, and cooler smoking because they're slow-burning. The big reason behind this camel goodness is costlier tobaccos, blended in the years-old camel tradition of quality tobacco blending. If you're smoking more these days, try camels. Your throat and your taste will tell you. Camels. Get a fact tonight. Send a carton to that fellow in the service. And now we'll worry about next week's program. You'll hear more music from Leith Stevens in the orchestra, more songs like Connie Haynes and the Camel Quintet, and a gripping dramatic story of life in the squared circle with our guest star, John Garfield. Now, here is a short preview of next week's program. Thousands of people are assembled in Madison Square Garden. All eyes are focused on the two fighters in the center of the ring. Killer Garfield and Cupid Costello. There is a terrific exchange of blows. The crowd is on its feet. Costello is on his face. Costello, get up. Get up. Get up with your knees and quit playing with those marbles. What marbles? I'm picking up my keys. Be sure to tune in next Thursday night at the same time for another big comedy show starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello with John Garfield as our guest. Brought to you with the compliments of camel cigarettes. Camel presents three great radio shows each week. Abbott and Costello on Thursday nights. On Friday night, it's the camel caravan with Lanny Ross, Herb Schroiner, Xavier Cougat and Our Town. And Monday nights, Blondie. Balena Dietrich, who appeared with us tonight has just completed a new universal picture, Pittsburgh, with John Wayne and Randolph Scott. And here's the latest news about the camel caravans, those swell traveling shows that entertain our boys in the army camps. Fifteen army and navy training stations will be visited this week, including Camp Gordon, Georgia, Camp Pendleton, California and Camp Croft, South Carolina. This is Ken Niles speaking for the makers of camel cigarettes and wishing you all a very pleasant good night. Ever see a pipe wearing a muzzle? No, sir, and you never will, because that won't keep it from biting. Thing to do is get Prince Albert, the brand that's no bite treated for real smoke and comfort. Another thing, P.A.'s crimp cut, and that means it packs firm and easy and gives you a cool one-match burning. You'll find around 50 mild, rich tasting pipe holes in every handy pocket package of Prince Albert. Try P.A. for pipe appeal. You'll agree it's the National Joy Smoke. This program has come to you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company.