 Impressive! You know? I mean, I've never had a student score zero in everything before. What do you mean? I chose exactly the perfect spell for every situation. Well, you answered fireball, for every question. What's your point, person, within fireball distance? What I mean is, you can't expect a big, damaging area-of-effect spell to be the answer for everything. Maybe try some different spells. Maybe minor illusion to trick the enemy. You can find a fey or a fiend to serve as your familiar, or even press the digitization. It has a surprising amount of uses, even though it costs nothing. I'm about to press the digitate all over your desk if you keep suggesting lame-o spells. What I'm saying is, you should expand your horizons. A wizard is the apex of the arcane, the ultimate utility caster, and one of these days, you're gonna find yourself in an encounter where fireball isn't gonna... Where'd he go? What the fuck? Welcome to a crap guide at D&D! The classic, the OG, the frail old man with a stick that shoots magic missiles at a few goblins and then has to go door-to-door telling his neighbors he's a registered hex-offender. The wizard is the most powerful class if you ignore any other classes that are stronger, which are all of them, because this thing is more fragile than a single-layered sheet of toilet paper that's been soaking in the soggy crack of a Bridgetroll's ass cheeks. This class is the sorcerers, lame or more studious dorky neighbor who does all the hard work for none of the recognition. You get saving throws on intelligence and wisdom instead of constitution and charisma, so sure, you'll be able to ace that pop quiz and not have to worry about being distracted, but you won't be able to hold your liquor or score any hot dates at Chad Firebolts Party in the Golden Mansion, his chromatic dragon dad bottom. If you're looking for the silver lining, the wizard is definitely the heaviest case of be careful who you call ugly in magic school. The wizard's spell list is thicker than the Storm King's Thunder thighs. You gain spell slots like a shower drain gets hair, and during a short rest you can even choose a small amount of spell slots to recover depending on your level. Best of all, at higher levels you even get the ability to cast your favorite low-level spells as many times as you like, but who are we kidding? You're likely going to be dead before you reach that high, either killed by your own fireballs or killed by all your pissed-off allies who were caught in your own fireballs. But hold your horses there, Mr. I actually believe wizard memes are as funny in the game as they are on social media. All your spells are tied to your spellbook because wizards have short-term memory loss and unless it's a cantrip you can only cast a spell if you have a three-step tutorial with pictures to color. But the work doesn't just stop there. The stronger spells at higher levels are going to need expensive magical components to cast them. If you don't want to embarrass yourself with arcane al dysfunction and suddenly your finger of death feels more like a finger of mild discomfort. People say wizards are the utility casters because of the massive amount of spells at their disposal, many of which are apparently great for a wide range of situations. I'm here to smartly inform you that those people are stupid. Use fireball and only fireball. Nothing but fireball. Just fireball. Just fireball. Just fireball. Because they are the nerds of D&D wizards have an unhealthy amount of knowledge of all of the different schools of magic. So instead of having their archetypes based around a certain theme, they get one for each of the aforementioned schools of magic, which is too damn many to go over and frankly I don't have the time or gummy bears to last a whole lecture. Instead I'm going to quickly summarize each school of magic and also war magic cuz fuck you. And I'm gonna do it all in song! Evocation elements to burn or shock or freeze your friends. Necromancy spares the dying or you could just resurrect them. Absuration keeps you safe and almost makes your armor fair. Divination helps you sense the tech immune and talk to bears. Conjuration, portals and make stuff for free. Transmutation, turn things into other things with enchantment. Buff the buffer in between and delusion. Visual tricks to break the brain with fear and silence blur and go invisible. Pretend you're someone else's that disguisously take on a life. War magic is like tank mage getting lots of defense flexing as you cat. And now you know how to play wizard you're welcome.