 Those who are on the spectrum are not good at lying, they're very concrete, and so if they say I love you then you can pretty much take it for what it's worth, they love you. And they will make an effort to show that, show you that they love you, but it will- I think as well, just as a little bit of a caveat to that, I think if you ask that question and they say I don't know, don't necessarily take that to mean I don't know if I love you. I think a lot of autistic people, we can sometimes struggle like understanding our own sort of emotions at times just from my experience, you know we've got the whole thing with a like safari mirror and all that. If someone says like I'm not sure, like don't immediately think, okay what's wrong? I thought I was happy in this relationship, are you not happy? It could just mean that they don't particularly understand what love is objectively, and most people don't. They just formulate their own ideas of what love looks like and what love is and what love feels like, you know these are all very subjective things, unless everyone's being given a textbook definition of love in school and made to try and understand it, I think everybody's sort of ideas of what love can look like can be somewhat different. I think for us that can be quite difficult because we like the certainty and the concreteness and we like the definitions to understand what exactly is being said and love is just one of those things that just takes a goddamn massive amount of time to understand all the possible ways that you can characterise exactly what love is, but they may not say that, they may just say I'm not sure, you know they might not say all of that, maybe follow it up with what does love feel like for you, maybe that sounds really corny, but have you recently been introduced to quite an interesting person? Have you been sort of seeing them around at your local social club or at the gym and you've had sort of the odd conversation with them, but they seem a bit different and perhaps of the autistic variety? Well, one might ask, how do I know if an autistic person likes me? How do I know if they like me? They don't show the indirect signs of communication, it just it doesn't seem like we're on the same wavelength for other places, it's a fair question to ask. Well, today we have Jodie Colton, M-E-D, talking about neurodiverse relationships. They've got a whole portfolio of different videos and subjects on the matter, but Jodie's going to tell us how to know if an autistic person loves you, not even likes, it's just straight in there, straight in there with the love. We shall see, see if this aligns with my particular experiences. Perhaps this is a good kind of neuro-typical sort of mainstream outlook on it. Who knows, we shall see. How do you tell someone who has ASD, which is Autism Spectrometer, or how do you tell if they love you? Well, one of the ways that you can tell, and I'm going to go kind of down the list here on the article I wrote, is they will want to be in your presence. They may not want to be there in your presence as much as you'd like, but they will show, they will make time for you. So pay attention to that and pay attention to what they do to be in your presence. They may not want to be right next to you. They may not want to share as much physical contact with you as you'd like, but they will make it a point to be near you and to be in your presence. They may be across the room and they may be wanting to do things that are part of their own special interests, but they will want to be around you. I would second that. That was a good point to go into first. A big, sloppy autism kiss. I just inserted the word autism, a big, sloppy kiss. That's how you know. No, but yeah, being in someone's presence, you know, like even when I didn't really have as many much of the social skills that I have nowadays, if it was someone that I liked, I would definitely spend more time like in their presence in some fashion, like if I met I was able to. I think as well for a lot of autistic people, we can have very sort of somewhat independent routines, which don't always align with like other people's routines or agendas or whatever. And so if we are like making an effort to sort of spend time with someone, I think that that's a good way of telling if someone likes you. I don't know if it's whether it's a good way of telling if they love you. I think love is a very complex emotion, but you could say that they perhaps might have some romantic sort of interest in you or at least find you interesting enough to be friends with. I don't know how you tell a part of the two. Maybe the physical contact. I think I think that would definitely be perhaps another indicator that it's more romantic, lick your lips before you kiss. Oh, my God, can't we just say say it so? Yeah, I think I think that is another aspect of it. But, you know, typically, if you if you ask an autistic person, I think most of us would want to be sort of direct, but I don't necessarily think that you can always get like the right answer because there is those aspects of like social anxiety involved, you know, you might not want to admit to it. So I don't know if that's like the best, like the surefire way because you don't always know about. You come across someone, perhaps is very happy in their sort of honesty and upfrontness about things. Perhaps they don't have as much of that social anxiety than maybe that might be a good way to tell. If I love someone, I either will become completely obsessed with them or I will avoid them at all costs. Yeah, I feel that I feel that you don't want to let them know you too keen, you know, you've got to keep it on the down low. They may also accept physical contact from me more than they they accept from others. So even though physical contact is sometimes really uncomfortable and and sometimes painful for folks on the spectrum, they may tend to accept it more from you than they do others. My daughter, it's hard for her. And I have some other folks in my life who are on the spectrum that are adults and physical contact can be hard, but they will they understand that physical contact is important for me. So they will accept it for me, even though they will not accept it from others. It may be brief, but my daughter has actually told me, Mom, I know hugs are important for you, so she'll come to me. And we even call her Aspie Huggins kind of sideways, but she will accept it for me because she knows it's important for me. Yeah, I think with a lot of these, like it's probably best posed in the way of comparison, like, you know, because you could you could have the fairly sort of sociable extroverted extroverted autistic person, like you can you can say as much as that that is like, I would sort of define them as a little bit like unicorn because I don't come across them a lot. Like just just autistic, like not nothing else sort of added in the pot. You know, perhaps them sort of being around your presence and talking to you and perhaps making a light amount of like physical contacts, perhaps that's not as like different for them. But if they're like always not really talking kind of off to the side, doing their own thing, but with you, they are spending a lot of time around you and perhaps engaging with you is a lot more than other people. Yeah, I guess so. There could be it could be a good sign that they that they'd like you. And if is it the physical contact stuff that that is also sort of an aspect because I definitely have the experience where if I am close with somebody like even even just normal sort of physical contact, like brushing shoulders or, you know, giving like a hug or something like that, it's definitely a lot more I wouldn't say tolerable because I do enjoy it. I'm a lot more open to it, I would say. I think with strangers, people I don't particularly know, it's not the most comfortable thing for me. I don't think it's always the most comfortable for anyone in general. But I think the most beautiful thing is when you tell someone you love that you're on the spectrum and the responses that they love you even more. This has happened to me that sounds lovely. I haven't had that experience before. I have someone in the on the spectrum in your life. Make sure you communicate to them that that physical contact is important to you. Yeah, so that they know, make sure they know and then see, see if they actually accept it from you. Yeah, and I think for a lot of autistic people, the physical contact might be a bit of an issue. I have heard from talking to people in my own life and also from, you know, allistic individuals coming in to ask questions on like my dating videos. They will say like sometimes the opposite as well. Like sometimes there's too much like physical contact or, you know, when you when you get into more saucy elements of relationships, I think that can also be, you know, it is very dependent person to person. Most of the time I'm pretty cool with hugging most people. Handshakes are a little bit different. But it's mostly because there's this kind of this weird thing that men do where when you'd have a handshake with somebody, you have to you have to give the right amount of firmness to that handshake and the person with the most firmness is like the the mature kind of like I am the the boss kind of, you know, that kind of stuff. I just try to avoid handshakes because I just can't be bothered. And if someone really wants to give me a handshake, it doesn't make it nice and like floppy, you know, just so that they disincentivise from doing it again. I don't get like a question as to when people need physical contact. It's definitely something in my own life that I've had conversations with like prior partners about before, just like, you know, I need my space. And what are we saying like earlier about like social batteries? Like, obviously, very, very variable person to person. That's an important thing to look for. Also, if you ask someone if they love you and they say they do, take it for what it's worth. Don't continue to ask. Don't continue to badger them. Well, are you sure you do? Or, you know, well, well, you know, well, how do you love me? You know, if they say, yes, I do love you, then take it for what it's worth. Those on the spectrum are not typically that good at lying. They may try, but they're not typically that good at lying. Yeah, my experience then in general, I don't think we're very good at lying. But I don't know. I've come across some pretty highly masking individuals that could definitely get away with it if they wanted to. I will accept or give a hug to my little girl and wife, no matter what, other people, not so much dependent, you know, there is that aspect of like sensory defensiveness that we have briefly, sensory defensiveness. If you have control over said input, then you is good. If you don't have control over said input, you is bad kind of thing. Like, I like I like to describe it as like, OK, think of a scenario, probably not the most relatable scenario. Someone getting in an ice bath because they enjoy ice baths. Like, they might enjoy them, but they prepare themselves and they're like, I'm going to take on this, this icy experience as it be. And then you have a different situation where you just shove someone into icy water when they didn't know the the the reactions that someone might have are going to be very, very different because. You know, we're very I think as humans in general, we are sort of particularly sensory defensive. But I think, you know, even when it comes to things like hugs or touching, you know, you get a lot of sometimes with my experience with like the elderly folk, they tend to be a very sort of handsy on the shoulder and the arms sometimes, which is not the best. It's it's it can it can be a big thing. And it's the same with music. It's like, you know, even though I'm hypersensitive to my hearing, I'm very, very happy blasting like heavy metal into my ears, probably too much to my detriment. And he's put like a one of those those noise gate things that you have on some like headphones for like your health, hearing health. Yeah, I mean, the sensory defensive is not not to be underestimated for sure. The icy experience, new favorite metaphor, 100%. I would be irate. Yeah, indeed. Heavy metal is a good outlet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm the same way with punk and fresh. Very nice. It's weird little tapping sounds that drive me mad. However, heavy metal blasting is good. Yeah. It's like, oh, my God, there is someone chattering in the background at a very low volume and someone else sort of fixing the side of the house too much puts in earbuds, heavy metal blasting. Like you see, though, you get the intro song to slipknot. There may be some manipulative, manipulative lying and kids and even adults. There are there can be some manipulative liars out there. If there's some, particularly if there's some other psychopathology there. But for the most part, those who are on the spectrum are not good at lying. They're very concrete. And so if they say I love you, then you can pretty much take it for what it's worth. They love you and they will make an effort to show that show you that they love you. But I think as well, just just as a little bit of a caveat to that. I think if you ask that question and they say, I don't know, don't necessarily take that to mean I don't know if I love you. I think a lot of autistic people we can sometimes struggle like understanding our own sort of emotions at times, just from my experience. You know, got the whole thing with a like safari mirror and all that. If someone says, like, I'm not sure, like don't immediately think. OK, what's wrong? I thought I thought I was happy in this relationship. Are you not happy? Like it could just mean that they don't particularly understand what love is objectively. And most people don't. They just formulate their own ideas of what love looks like and what love is and what love feels like. You know, these are all very subjective things. Unless unless everyone is being given a textbook definition of love in school and made to try and understand it, I think everybody's sort of ideas of what love can look like can be somewhat different. I think for us, that can be quite difficult, because we like the certainty and the concreteness and we like the definitions to understand what exactly is being said. And love is just one of those things that just takes a goddamn massive amount of time to understand all the possible ways that you can characterize exactly what love is. But they may not say that. They may just say I'm not sure. You know, they might not say all of that. Maybe follow it up with what does love feel like for you? Maybe that sounds really corny, but what does love mean to you? Actually, yeah, you tell me about it. Let me know what does love mean to you. I want to hear what how you guys have understood this very complex emotion. I mean, to me, it's it's very much the case of like, OK, oxytocin. That is the bonding love hormone. I'm like, that's the oxytocin going. I'm missing someone that I'm talking to. Oh, let's see, oxytocin. Oh, you have a breakup. I'm having oxytocin withdrawal. So it's approaching it from the hyperscientific way. There's a lot of like philosophical discussions around it, which I think are pretty cool. Love is everything right. Very philosophical angle there, Mohammed. Nida says, I don't know. Tracy says, love is hormones. You kind of going by my side. Unconditional positive regard by choice. High regard, respect and trust. Interesting, interesting. I think definitely from like the philosophical angle, it's kind of weird because the whole idea of love is that it's supposed to be unconditional. So I've always centered around the the muse of your love. It's sort of like a it's just somewhat. I'm not going to say degrading because that doesn't sound like a very good word, but it is somewhat like putting your set your needs and yourself at a lower place than your partner, which I don't think that always translates to like the whole idea of the concept of love always translates to relationships because as much as we we try to possibly ignore it or sidestep it, you know, to some to some degree, a long term kind of monogamous relationship is somewhat like a deal. Like it's someone like, OK, you give me this, you give me that. And then I give you this and I give you that that you like. And you sort of have conversations about it throughout the stages of the relationship to sort of rebugging what exactly you want from the other person and what you don't want. And, you know, it's somewhat like that. I definitely think one example that I can think of, you know, unconditional sort of love would definitely be my parents. I'm very grateful to have I have experienced that. Feels like when you can see a whole person, even as you discover new layers and you continue to enjoy them genuinely. Very nice. Very nice. I don't have enough characters to talk on the subject in a comment. Yeah, it's a pretty it's a pretty it's a pretty large prescription, I would say it can be viewed as a business deal with emotions. Yeah, I guess so. It's a very weird thing to like say. I know it's kind of a little bit out of pocket. But yeah, I'm too old for this game, lol. It will likely be in their own way. So one of the things that you want to do is learn to speak their language. You know, what is their love language? I actually love Gary Chapman's series of books called the love languages. He first came out with five love languages for adults. And I think that this applies to those on the spectrum as well. You might want to check it out. Gary Chapman is his name. So what are the ways that your person who is on the spectrum, how do they show love? You want to pay attention to what do they do? Do they? Is it through words? Is it through actions? Is it through gifts? Is it through deeds, acts of service? They do things for you. You you won't want to pay as much attention to how you feel, how you receive love as to how they give love. So you want to pay attention to what did they do when they are loving? What you want to play detective and figure out what does it they do? Not just you, but to others. And if they're doing that thing for you or to you, then they do love you. And then there's a good, a good sort of call to the the whole love languages kind of thing. I mean, some people write it off as like pop science, human emotions, human relationships are very, very complex. I understand. I do think it can be somewhat helpful for at least like, you know, you're having a conversation with your partner and one of you is not particularly feeling like the other person's expressed a certain amount of love. And I think it can sometimes be good to talk about love languages because not all people respond to the same sort of aspects of love that you that you're expressing. Yeah. I mean, that's I can't really say no to that kind of makes sense. Another way that you can kind of know that that you're loved by someone on the spectrum is do they include you in their special interests? And do they do they want to include you a lot? Because if you're really a special person to them and they want to invite you into their world a lot, you know, someone in the spectrum, sometimes they're willing to talk to just about anybody about their special interests. But if they really want to include you and make you a part of their their special interests and now with kids, you know, kids still talk to a wall about their special interests. But if we're talking about an adult who has special interests, whether it's I don't know, whatever, whatever it is, reenactment groups or I don't know, there's so many different kinds of special interests that they really want to include you and and get you involved. And that's that's part of spending time with you, too. Well, yeah, I mean, obviously, like inviting someone to be a part of your world is going to be, you know, you are establishing somewhat like an air of closeness by doing that special interests. Yeah, I mean, I'd love to hear from you guys, whether you've been in a relationship where someone's been like really somewhat wanting to be a part of your special interests. I've yet to sort of experience it to that degree. I think when I was younger, I think one of my sort of first long term girlfriends, we we both had sort of a shared interest in Taekwondo, which was it's pretty cool. But no, not necessarily. And it is the thing is, it is quite a large part of our lives because, you know, quite often it kind of is kind of one of the pillars that sort of makes up our day part of our routine to a certain degree. But no, I haven't really experienced that that much. I mean, people have made efforts to, you know, ask about stuff like that. But they're not really interested, you know, it's you can tell. I try I try as much as I can to to do that. But I think people like what they like and not always willing to kind of understand or step into your world in in all respects. It's not necessarily needed, but it's definitely nice. Most people get bored of special of my special interests or I could info dump on them. Yeah. Yeah. Latina says this might be a sense of topic, but what about people in the spectrum who endured narcissistic infusion and misfamilies? Yeah, I mean, there's there's some some wild statistics about like autism and sort of interpersonal relationships. So I can imagine there is going to be a lot of stuff around that. Personally, I've experienced. Experienced that I'm not necessarily going to detail in what way and who and what, you know, what circumstances it was. But yeah, it can definitely be very, very difficult. And I think that there's certain aspects to, you know, autism that we can we can sometimes have like insecurities about, you know, whether it be like understanding social situations, you know, you get that whole myth and that stigma that can get in your head sometimes and make you feel like you don't have empathy. And so when when someone sort of highlights your insecurities in such a way and sort of uses it to manipulate you, I think, you know, I can definitely not be a very fun situation. My brain blanks out too often, too. I hate it because I tend to express myself a lot better in writing. I used to have this a very similar experience before I started like podcasting and doing my lives and stuff. I was always much more comfortable with like written form of communication. Mostly because it just there is no like processing requirements on it. It can't be varied, obviously, for like texting someone, but you have your time to think and iron out what you're saying and write it out and think of that as expressing what you're trying to say. Then you can know that you're loved now. Sometimes that's not the way you receive love, and that can be hard. So it's important to have those conversations with if you're an adult and you love an adult who's on the spectrum. It's important to have conversations with them about how you receive love. Oftentimes, those on the spectrum, they need scripting. They need a script and it can be hard. It may seem like that doesn't say natural. I want them to just know how to love me. Well, that's not how it works always with people who. No, this is not how it works with anybody. It's not. People doubt immediately now, unless you have come from like almost like a duplicate family and you've had duplicates of experiences with other people like the way that you express love and care and such towards your partner is going to is going to differ from person to person. And you do have to kind of communicate about that. I don't think that's necessarily like something related to autism. One thing I'd be I'd be I'd like to hear like, is there anybody who has because I've asked many people about their like love languages and stuff. And I've never heard someone say that my love language is getting gifts, you know, because that is that is one, isn't it? If I'm not wrong, like the love language, like receiving gifts and such. I've never heard anyone actually say it. I know some people who do like to receive their love in that in that way, but they won't necessarily say it. I understand why because it can it can look somewhat. OK, I just want money and just get by me as a gifts and stuff like that. But I don't think it is even about that because if someone has love language style of getting gifts, you know, maybe it's as little as like getting them like a chocolate bar from the shop or like seeing a nice stick. You know, you walking outside, you hiking without them, see a nice stick. You bring that stick back for them like a good dog. That is a joke. That is a joke. I have four percent for gift receiving. Yeah, I'm not very. It's definitely not the most important for me. Mine is some words of affirmation, not gifts as such, but it's nice when my son brings me sweets or something. Yeah. So it's not necessarily like, OK, buy me a Gucci bag. You know, buy me something expensive. I don't think that's a love language. I think the actual act of like seeing something that someone might like and getting them, I think, you know, if that's the way that they receive love and it kind of works for them, I don't see anything wrong with that. I love words to gifts are so much pressure, the right way to receive the right way to give. No, thanks. I empathize with that as well. Don't ever want a Gucci bag. What is that? What are those limited edition bags that people talk about? I can't even remember the name. Oh, no, there's there's there's there's like a cup. There's like a tub and blood going around. Maybe if you go seeing it, there's like a a viral sort of limited edition cup that people can get and it's going for like two hundred dollars in various different colors, something like that. You know, I want that. That's my love language. My cat brings me gifts even though they're not very nice. I think she loves me. Oh, my God, well, who are on the spectrum? They need they they oftentimes they want to they want to know how. Tell me how I love you. Tell me how you need to be loved. And although it may feel forced and it may feel scripted, you will start receiving the love that you want if you'll tell them how and you kind of got it. You have to go over your ego and get over your pride and get over that idea that, well, they just need to know me. They need to learn me. They need to figure it out for themselves. It's not that simple for those on the spectrum because they don't pick up on those subtle cues, those subtle social things that the rest of us, our brains learn how to notice. We have to tell them. That doesn't mean that they love you any less. That just means their brains don't pick up on those little kids. So it's OK to tell them how to love you. What you need from them is it getting flowers? Is it words? Do you want them to say? Do you want them to write you a poem? Do you want them to make you a playlist on the Amazon of beautiful love songs? Do you want them to take you to dinner and pick the pick the restaurant for you? Well, however it is that you feel like you feel loved, write down those things for them and give them a list. And then you will find yourself being loved more often. And you can even get specific about it. Like, you know, in my head, if someone was to say, OK, I want you to buy me flowers. I'm like, OK, I mean, I can do that. How often? Like every day, every week, every month, every. And they're like, oh, I don't want to. I don't want to make it too false. It's like I need to remember. Like I need some kind of like structure and routine in how I do this and it can sometimes feel quite cold. Like, and I think this this advice would probably work well for like most people as well. But yeah, it is quite hard, like saying what you want, because quite often they are very personal, sort of emotional related things, which you might not be too comfortable about talking about. But it's definitely a good thing to do, you know, just to bring people up on like what you do and don't like. I think, you know, that's just just good, good sort of communication. Can't wear super expensive brands. I'll be so paranoid of ruin it that it's stay on the wreck. This the second a single spec gets on it. I will go insane. Yes, I feel exactly the same. You know, you see someone in with an expensive car. I just be constantly thinking about someone accidentally or purposefully scratching said car and it would ruin me. My kitty brought me a huge pack rat one night and I thought it was my slipper. The gift that keeps on giving cats. You know, good. Anyway, I hope this was helpful. And anyway, give me a call or shoot me an email if you feel like I can help you in any other way. Sometimes I have groups for adults. Who we sit and we talk about those of us who talk about things that go on in our lives. If we love we have spouses or partners or family members who are on the spectrum. And so if you think you might want to be a part of one of those or I can just help you for individual counseling. Shoot me an email. Give me a call. I'd love to chat. Thank you very much, Judy. That has been Jody Carlton, M.E.D. neurodiverse relationships. If you want to go check them out on YouTube, I'm sure they've got a whole bunch of different videos. I think this video was made six years ago, so it's pretty dated. As you can probably tell by the terminology, but I mean, I can't really say much, much against that. But I think like a lot of those things, I think you could say they're pretty similar to like how most people would sort of show love, I think. I think the explanation about like telling them what you want and when I think like being specific like that and being direct can be much more of a help for us rather than having to rely on like indirect feedback when we do certain things from. So I think that is definitely a good point. Never dismiss the old tried and true method of asking. You know, it might sound a bit. Somewhat, I don't know. Submissive defeatist to say, oh, do you love me? But if you want to know, that is the best place to go. Straight up. Ask him. So I hope you have very much enjoyed this video. Make sure to go and check out their channel. Give them a like and subscribe. And I will see you in another clip of a YouTube live stream clip thing. Very soon.