 I hate my dog. I wrote it in comedy language. I hate my dog. I hate my dog. I hate my dog. Here's a better way and a less funny way to say it. I don't hate my dog. If I was on stage, I would say I hate my dog. It's funny. My pain projects perfectly onto my dog. For a million reasons. Go on. It's just hard to talk about not really, but because we're being recorded. Because people love dogs and people hate if you talk about having a difficult relationship with your dog. They don't like it. I relate to it. It's the beginning of blocks. That's my first block is dogs, which Chris Rock told me not to do. Exactly, because he knows. He was saying it's tacky, but I was, the reason I led with it is because if you say you don't like your dog in California, you're like a gun-carrying member of the NRA, super right-wing. But can I say, like Jed, you're like vaguely white supremacist. If you don't, if you have a less than ideal relationship with any kind of animal in California. I agree. Jed had a bit about not liking his dog and I loved it. So I was like, I know there's some people out there like me that secretly love it. Yeah. That being said, I just, I envy people that can connect with a dog. When I'm holding a sandwich and my dog with his click-clack fucking live, die, repeat, nails, he's following me like one of those fools. I have paper on my floor right now because they're painting. My Keith has been walking on papered floors. I used to live in a townhouse. So it's all flat now. I now live in like a ranch house basically. So Keith walks around my house the way my dad used to walk around after he retired where he's just like, anything happening? Anything going on? And then just walk back to wherever he was. You've actually touched on one of them. He reminds me of the meaninglessness. He does. All you're doing is eating, shitting, licking your fucking, where your dick used to be, your balls, like it sucks. I see my mother. So you're judging him. I thought he was judging you. No. You're judging yourself. I'm judging him that he's just going around trying to eat. But you're judging yourself because ultimately you're judging your own utility. Of course, it's all projection. But I feel all this guilt that my mother is at home also puttering around in the same way. It breaks my heart. Here's a question. Do the, and it's something I've suspected about people who love dogs. You know, when people on dating absolutely be like, if you wanna find me, I'll be over talking to the dog. And it's kind of like, I'm too pure for human beings. I gotta hang out with animals. I'm backer vans of the van. They're the only ones who get me. And I'm so special. What I'm saying is they're projecting some purity onto the dog and you're projecting some judgment. And you're projecting like sloth and a bunch of shit. Neither of us are right. That's exactly right. In fact, I should start here. I shouldn't start when he does follow me and I'm eating a sandwich. It just fills me with dread because, okay, this is real. But like, I feel like my mom loved me and then I later learned that it was it like, was it pure, like, or did she want my sandwich? Okay, that's as much as I'm comfortable going into that. Here's my, wait, your mom? Let me explain a little bit more. I'll even say it out loud if it's just he and me. I'll be like, what idiot walks around their kitchen with a turkey leg and their dog is following them and goes, he just wants to be with me. You know what I mean? That's how I feel. Yeah, it's taking credit for, it's the thing that my, the joke from my specials about was like, I'm taking credit for Stockholm syndrome. Yeah, that's right. I'm taking it like they love, he loves me. And I just can't. But it also reminds me of, again, this is just my pain. If I'm in a good way, I don't feel this way. And I'm very kind to my dog. We have a good relationship. He doesn't know. We're not saying hit them, we're not. No, I don't. But my dog doesn't know we have a complicated relationship. He just thinks I love him. So, well, I guess Ben is, he's a huge fan of my podcast. So not yours, mine. That's right. But I go like, it calls into question the reality of love is I'm like, is all love just following a turkey? A variation on following a turkey. Yeah, and that breaks my heart. And every time I look in the lawn, he just happens to be shitting. So I go like, so again, I have to be careful with this. I go, all he does is eat and shit on the lawn. Like I had a line, I tried it a couple of times, but again, people don't want to hear this. I go, I love my dog. I mean, I love my dog as much as you can love anything that shits on my lawn, which I think is hilarious. People don't like that. Here's the real thing, Neil. And this is why I put it on the list and why I believe it's a block. He barks. He barks at me. He barks at random noises. He barks when everyone, when anyone comes over, he barks if you leave and come back. Is it angry or it's just talking? It's loud as fuck. It's loud. Keith has an incredibly loud bark. This is a loud, and when I see my poor brother, because my brother and I are the only people that I'm like, we get each other in that way. When I see my brother cower, oh, I could cry, that my dog starts barking. And I see my brother's shoulders go up. I'm like, that's me. I'm just better at hiding it. But both me and my brother are like fucking terrified every time. So Val, who's a genius and emotional genius, is like trauma is an irrational re-experiencing of a past negative thing. It's not something you can just go, it's just the dog. It's just the dog. That's what the definition of trauma is. So my poor dog, it has nothing to do with him. By the way, they changed the definition of trauma. What's that? Val's time of PTSD. Okay, that's what I have. Trauma is the definition of trauma changed in the 70s because it used to be a physical thing that happens to you. And then it became sort of a more open interpretation, but I'm still of the whole, and you're talking to somebody who like, I've been told I have complex PTSD and all that shit, but I don't like the overuse of it. I understand. But yeah, but like that's aggravating. I don't like loud noises. I don't like motorcycles. I don't like, and I don't know if it's trauma or there was a thing where maybe it's autism. I don't fucking know. I'm open to anything. But I'm with you, yeah. But I would wager for both of us. If someone could come into my body and hang out for the day. If they were you, they'd be you. If they were me, they'd be me, but I think if they could give me a report as to how their lives are versus what it's like being in my body, they would go, I can't believe what it feels like when the dog barks. I just can't believe it. And the snow that we shovel on these feelings, the food that I put on these feelings, you know, just everyday coping stuff, ear buds, ear plugs. And it's not always the dog. No, it's not. It's a bunch of things. Most of my things, I would say noise is my trauma, but like also just like, yeah. So the dog got classified in my brain. And I mean, I don't have anything to do with this as a negative thing because of the fear. And then things like, this motherfucker doesn't love me. He's just following me for a sandwich. It all gets, I can't see him. I can't see him honestly. I'll tell you when I actually believe Keith. I'm picturing Keith Robinson every time. Got to. Um, the, when he just comes and sits with me, if I'm watching TV or in bed or whatever, cause there's no ulterior motive. It's like, you know this isn't food time. You know what you're describing? I can't. Hey, did you like that? Did you like that? Yeah, did you like it though? You want more? Don't want to work? Would rather watch videos of me grab acid with people. First of all, go up here to subscribe and then go up here to watch more clips. This is like when the weatherman says that there's a high pressure system coming in. Although I'm not really used to the green screen.