 Today I want to share with you a masterpiece I had discovered in a bin This is the book It's called it's titled a certain age It was written by a 16 year old at the time 1617 year old Rebecca Ray and it's an amazing read It's written beyond well It's brutal It's unflinching It's honest And it is the best description I have ever read of The pathogenesis the origin of borderline personality disorder in adolescence The book had been released under another title pure again Rebecca Ray She went on to write other books and to she became an art director of festivals and so on so forth But this is a true masterpiece as you can see I I bought it in a bin. It was discarded among many much less worthy books This book is nothing short of a masterpiece and it provides insight Into the formation of borderline personality disorder all the way up to self mutilation self-harm and through Sexual precocity and Other issues now what I would like to do. I would like to read to you short sentences and excerpts from the book and Comment on them. So it was like it's going to be an annotated version of some of the things that had attracted my attention Highly recommended a certain age or pure by Rebecca Ray. You want to understand how people especially Women become not become borderline become borderlines the emotional dysregulation the emptiness the inability to control one's life the Sexual acting out you want to understand all these things you absolutely must read this book Okay Let me read to you some excerpts. I was about 13 when I started letting the boys fill me up There was a whole bunch of them four or five Some other boy I didn't really like would start putting his hand up my shirt It was never some big major thing They just did it while they were talking. I guess my tits weren't as interesting. They kind of filled the gap They were popular This raises two two issues But before I go there It is very interesting that cluster B personality disorders Either have their pathogenesis their origin in early adolescence or Late in adult life for example narcissistic personality disorder cannot be diagnosed properly before the age of 18 or 21 Some say 25 Borderline personality disorder can and is diagnosed as early as age 12 and Psychopathy has an antecedent in adolescence in even in childhood known as conduct disorder conduct disorder are psychopathic children The reason seems to be that borderline personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder Psychopathy are actually brain abnormalities. There's some problem with the brain The brain is a template of course upon which the environment and nurture operate Given a dysfunctional family given an anomic society etc. Etc. These these brain malfunctions are amplified And they take over the personality But the foundation is cerebral the foundation is neurological It's not the case with narcissistic personality disorder. First of all We go through two healthy phases of narcissism in childhood and in adolescence and second thing the full manifestations of narcissism pathological narcissism Require other people Narcissism is an interpersonal disorder. It's a kind of a social disorder. It's a it's a disturbance in object relations and so narcissism can manifest only when Interpersonal relationships should come to free if fruition and intimacy should be prevalent and dishonorable Anyhow, we see the first hints of borderline personality disorder with this 13-year-old girl in the book a certain age by Rebecca Ray Or pure that's alternative title This girl allows Allows boys her age peers to feel her up to touch her inappropriately multiply and She does it off-handedly. She is not emotionally involved in the acts She doesn't She doesn't offer herself. She's just there. She's an inert object People do to her whenever they want and she's just passive. She just accepts Their advances and their inappropriate touching and so on so forth These are the first signs of borderline personality disorder the emptiness the deadness the feeling that you're dead inside That there's nobody nobody essentially there you remove yourself from the scene The whole thing is meaningless your emotions are numb and Your effect is reduced. We call it reduced effect display The borderline looks very often as if she were a zombie as As if she were not present in the circumstances as if she were far away Dream in a dream state kind of dreamy. No the 13-year-old girl in in in the book did this allowed Her peers to molest her in effect because she wanted to be long She wanted to be accepted That's another hallmark of borderline personality disorder. We should come to later borderline Borderline adolescents are influenced by peers like all other adolescents. I'll read to you a segment from the book She talks about another girl her age Holly Who is very admired? She's kind of idolized and everyone is looking up to her Then she says about Holly She went out to the city clubs with her sister Clubs you had to have ID for Clubs you had to be 21 for but all the clubs let her in for free She didn't even have to let the bouncer Bounces feel her teeth But I wasn't like her. I would never be like her So I had to find another way of getting along. I had to let them feel me up. I Didn't like doing it, but I didn't really hate it either It's one of those things you get used to it was necessary. I knew I'd never really be one of them They could tell me to fuck off whenever they wanted. I never kidded myself. I knew that wasn't going to change But I got to be sought after in a funny dirty kind of way. I Got the wolf whistles the stairs because I wanted them and because I wasn't the kind of girl you had to like I was the kind of girl you fucked borderline Girls with borderline personality disorder because borderline personality is what this order is of course Diagnosome of men as well, but girls with borderline personality disorder adolescence They usually leverage and discover the sexuality much early much earlier than than comparable peers So we call it precocious precocious sexuality and they use their sexuality to belong to be accepted they leverage the sexuality to validate themselves to modulate and regulate their sense of self-esteem and self-worth and This girl is no different. She is not really into it. It's not that she likes sex She's not an informaniac. So to speak is not that she is hyper sexed or It's not even that she is discovering her sexuality. She's not this is not about sex at all This is a trade-off. This is totally transactional Indeed many many women with borderline and histrionic personality disorder actually don't like sex at all They use sex to obtain male attention to get invited again to a club to obtain free drinks to be Included in a group or a gang They use sex to pay for benefits very often minor benefits and services like having a place to crush at night or Getting free drugs Girls with borderline personality disorder Detach themselves decouple themselves from their sexuality through the process of emotional numbing and reduced effect display They kind of disconnect from themselves They objectify their bodies and they give these bodies away as tokens as a coin as coinage as a monetary unit they They monetize their bodies in a way and so they learn to dissociate themselves from their bodies and gradually this Dissociation takes over and borderlines become dissociative in everyday life Not only in stressful situations or what they have to hypersexualize themselves borderline borderlines often experience amnesia Derealization when the situation doesn't feel real and Depersonalization when they feel that they are not present in the situation this girl at age 13 is already experiencing the whole monopoly and gamut of Dissociation she immediately makes clear Not that I did fuck them any of them Things never went that far, but still they knew they could if that was what they asked for And I guess it ended up to the same It felt good in a way though. I wanted to go to school every day. I wanted to hear their cat calls I wanted to feel their hands. I guess I felt for the very first time like I'd been accepted. I Never thought I would be you see I never thought I would be Things started off badly at high school, and I never thought they would get better My way was to let people touch me. It wasn't such a bad way really so Borderline girls with borderline personality disorder often have Problems with social functioning They fail to belong their ex-communicator They're excoriated and chastised and humiliated and mocked and ridiculed by their peers and not only by peers But also by teachers sometimes by their own parents neighbors, etc. they are subject to a constant barrage of humiliating degrading in an ex-communicating communication and so They seek to belong almost at any cost almost at any price and when they do When they do objectify themselves self-objectify and allow others to mistreat their bodies egregiously and with no boundaries this girl clearly says there were no boundaries and they wanted to fuck me they couldn't She has no boundaries By doing this she feels alive It's the it's the harbinger It's the beginning of self-harming and self-mutilation The borderline self-harms and self-mutilation in a variety of ways. She could use razors to cut herself She could use cigarette cigarettes to burn herself with or she could use men to abuse her body and even rape her So the borderline self-harms With men it's a process called self-trushing. She self-trashes with with men and with groups of men Borderlines find themselves in situations where they have to accommodate groups of men They pull a train or they gangbanger and there's nothing she can do about it She play she had placed herself in this situation as we will see a bit later So and she does all this because then she feels alive The inner turmoil the tumult the chaos inside her is subdued by the gravity and the stress of the external circumstances Ironically the risk and the novelty Which imbue these circumstances? They ameliorate and mitigate her anxiety not increase it risk Ameliorates her anxiety doesn't increase it Because it allows her to forget Now the thing she wants to forget the most is herself and the thing she regards as the number one threat is Herself not the world. There's nothing the world can do to her That is worse than being herself then she finds a Guy his name is Robin and they become kind of boyfriend and girlfriend the borderline version the borderline attaches to An intimate partner Masochistically in effect she seeks to be trashed by the partner because she knows no better She knows no other way of being noticed of feeling alive She wants the intimate partner to self harm and to harm her and to mutilate her and to punish her and to trash her And to degrade her and to spoil her especially sexually This is very common among borderline Adolescents and we find for example much higher incidence of explicit video sexting and life coming Among borderline adolescents, especially with much older men Which were an issue. We will come to a bit later. So she finds this guy and And true to form is sadistic. He is disempathic. He's self-centered. It's pretty disgusting And she says about him Robin never touched me. There was a first thing the first thing I noticed about him And it was strange because he could have done he could have touched me He wasn't good-looking, but he had this aggressive kind of confidence that made up for it. Not cystic And he was pretty high up in the group None of that mattered to me, of course I would have let him touch me in any case. I wondered Why he'd be disgusted with me? He could have touched me too when Robin saw her being touched by by other boys They inserted their hands up their pants and and fingered her and so on when he when he when he witnessed this He was disgusted and for the life of her She can't understand why he's disgusted. She says I wondered why he would be disgusted with me He could have touched me too. She interprets his disgust as jealousy. He's jealous of them. He wants to do it too And she said I don't understand. I would have let him do it. Why why is this angry? Why is he so disgusted? She herself She says nothing disgusting repulsive reprehensible morally unacceptable Personally unacceptable. She she she doesn't regard the fact that groups of boys Finger her and so on as as anything is anything problematic or She doesn't see why would anyone else consider it as a problem or is an issue or is wrong Or is disgusting It comes as a shock to her. It comes surprised to her and this is something Very common to to many adolescent borderlines They do the most amazingly egregious immoral reckless crazy things And they can't for the life for the life of them see what's wrong with these things There is a kind of compartmentalization Many of these borderline adolescents are very bright even brilliant And they can pass moral judgment on others. They can counsel others to have firm boundaries They're very they're more mature than the average the average peer they are having having had to cope with borderline And attendant anxiety and depression life long They grow up much faster. They're much more mature And so they're wiser Not only straight wise but truly wise and yet they contemplate this wisdom to themselves They don't understand what's wrong with them. Why do people look at them as scans? And why are people shocked by their by their behaviors? A borderline a borderline girl Who would have sex with four? Much older men One after the other In in an obscure obscure sleazy apartment She wouldn't she wouldn't see anything wrong with it. She would she would be surprised to hear That this behavior is unbecoming or problematic or Represents dysregulation and lack of boundaries or psychologically. I mean she she I wanted to sex It was fun to belong. I wanted to belong to them. I wanted them to like me Um, it was fun to be with them. There were free drinks. I enjoyed the nightclub was you know, she would say something she would justify herself Self-justification in in borderlines is infinite. Actually, you can never convince them that they've done anything wrong what the decisions are and Even though deep inside they do feel ashamed and guilty But they would never admit to it. This is the grandiose part Of borderline the grandiose defense against devastating cognitive dissonance Because if the borderline were to look at her life objectively, she would fall apart The things she had done and is doing Are indefensible and they are extremely self-defeating and self-destructive They're life threatening sometimes the recklessness for example is immense and so Borderlines can't face this So they have these grandiose defenses denial and other psychological defense mechanisms and you can't penetrate these You can't penetrate these sometimes. It's dangerous to penetrate these If you undo the borderline's denial, she has to face the facts and worse of all she has to face herself That's not always recommendable even in therapeutic settings So She can't understand why robin is disgusted with her behavior Um And she says I had no new friends. I didn't want to lose them. I couldn't lose them not after being so happy I didn't want to be myself again When the borderline engages in unboundary and dysregulated behaviors or borderline Decompensates and acts out and so on she misinterprets the reduction in anxiety as happiness And she doesn't want to be herself. That's the core issue in borderline The desperate wish to not be herself the borderline firmly believes that She is unlovable unworthy defective deformed broken damaged repulsive repugnant, etc She believes that if people if anyone would get close enough to her he would run away screaming. It's she it's her fear of abandonment Her separation insecurity Is founded on this on this self-perception as unlovable So she doesn't borderline doesn't want to be herself. She wants to be someone else And she isn't a constant act She's acting. She's an actress She she constantly acts Simulates and emulates that someone else And that someone else is fun and free spirited and carefree and independent and so and And she wants to be that someone else because she believes That who she is is insufficient and even repelling And so she prefers to be that someone else And when someone gets close to her When someone becomes intimate with her She's terrified of imminent abandonment and rejection Getting to know her better Is a guarantee that such rejection is forthcoming. She anticipates anticipates the humiliation of having been rejected And so she she does her best To push the intimate partner away and that's approach avoidance. There is disdance of approaching the intimate partner Being terrified of engulfment and enmeshment and rejection and abandonment and then redrawing Pre-emptive abandonment or just redrawing In order to avoid the pain the inevitable pain and hurt of rejection There's also the issue of engulfment and enmeshment because the borderline is never herself She's never herself She's terrified of disappearing all together She she has alloplastic defenses. So she blames the intimate partner for not being herself She says i'm not myself with you. You don't allow me to be myself. You want to change me You want to transform me? You want to kill me you want me to disappear and reappear as someone else or you just want to kill me Paranoid ideation. So the borderline is always terrified of engulfment and enmeshment Because she perceives the intimate partner for as someone who is pushing her To get rid of herself and adopt another self a new self more suitable for the intimate partner And here I here we come to a very difficult segment in this exceedingly difficult book It's a very difficult book to read. It's totally dystopian There's not a single redeeming character or feature Everything is hyper is super realistic and reality is harsh The book is relentless. It doesn't allow you to rest for one minute. It shocks you every single page It was written by a 16 year old My god, I'm beyond impressed She writes About robin her alleged boyfriend or sensible boyfriend. She writes I hated him touching me Letting him do it made me feel sick I hated the feel of his hands I hated the look in his eyes I hated my body and I think he knew it And it was weird Letting Joel and all those other boys fill me up Letting all those other boys touch me Had not been disgusting I hadn't really cared I only knew that it helps and I liked me and that suddenly I had friends But robin wanted to make me feel good when he did it when he touched me I guess that was the difference and I didn't want to feel good I didn't want to like it The idea of liking sex seemed kind of gross The borderline when she rejects herself And because she is over sexed the borderline identifies Her sexuality as her main currency She offers her sexuality as the first thing She realizes her internal emptiness And she has a very low self-esteem or low self a sense of self-worth So she thinks she the only thing she can offer is sex So she does that's a way of that's a way of Making sure that she has friends or making sure that she has an intimate partner or boyfriend Or husband later on Sex is the coinage of the realm That's how she pays for everything. She's very transactional In effect But her sex Is intimately connected with her body and she hates her body because her body is herself Her self is sexualized But her sex is self-objectifying and relies on this object called the body So the identification is total The self Is the sex and the sex is the body. So the self is the body. So she rejects her body. That's why That's why she shares her body freely with everyone. She gives it away That's why she isn't she she likes being self-trashed degraded sexually humiliated even raped or sexually assaulted because It affirms her sense of rejection of her body It's like other people by objectifying her body by trashing her sexually Agree with her. They are they are agreeing with her. They're telling her you're right You're right to hate your body So this abilirates her anxiety She hates her body Men hate her body men Men abuse her body Men use her body. So they're all on one page They're all on one page. They all agree that her body is a despicable object Despicable object to be despoiled and degraded and And you know dissected if possible so as long as she has sex with with other boys Or sex acts with other boys And they show no emotion for her And they use her body as a mere receptacle as a container as an object And not a very not a very appealing one at that Just happens to be there She's fine. It actually reduces her anxiety. She feels happy. She feels that she belongs Because they are all on the same page. They all agree her body is public property public domain It's a worthless object. It's it's valueless It has no it has no it's not priceless. It has no price. It's zero. It's it's just for the taking And so it affirms Her self-perception which is always anxiety reducing when people agree with you your anxiety is reduced So she hates her body They objectify her body and trash it and so she's happy But when someone comes along like robin and falls in love with her And he wants to make her feel good Suddenly she realizes That her body has a value That her body can give her pleasure That her body can afford pleasure to her intimate partner And that her body is in is connected Inextricably with love And these are things she cannot countenance and cannot accept Because if she were to love her body She would be forced to love herself She would be forced to confront herself She would have forced to become self cognizant and self aware and that is something she cannot afford because the pain inside her Is too much Is life-threatening If she were to connect with her body That would unleash Torrents and tsunamis Of agony and pain and hurt That she would never survive 11 percent of borderlines commit suicide She can't afford it She needs to remain one step removed from her body She needs to be an observer or a spectator She needs to use her body as an instrument and a tool of gratification for others She needs to trade her body Transactionally She needs to not be there She needs to be dead and to dissociate when men do to her whatever it is they do to her If she were to re-occupy her body Re-inhabit her body If she were to re-enter her body If she were to realize Through another's gaze How valuable she is How lovely, how precious, how dear She would collapse She can't love herself Because to love yourself you need to be in touch with yourself And this is one thing the borderline can never do Can never be in touch with herself It's simply life-threatening So she needs to numb herself She needs to walk away She needs to wander off She needs to not be there Exactly like narcissism Borderline is about absence Not about presence And nothing makes you feel more present Than love, the loving gaze of another Seeing yourself through the loving gaze of another Brings you down to earth Grounds you Forces you to be in touch with yourself And there's nothing the borderline fears more and abhors more Ironically When she comes back to herself or forced to come back to herself When she's forced to contemplate herself through another's gaze She feels at risk of vanishing or disappearing or dying Because deep inside there is nothing Just the dead spiraling neutron star An emptiness, a black hole of infinite proportions Having consumed what used to be a beautiful girl And then she meets someone And that's in the book Again the book is a certain age or pure by Rebecca Ray So the girl, the protagonist who remains nameless throughout the book by the way She's 13 Going on 14 years old and she meets someone who is twice her age That is also very common among borderline, borderline adolescent girls Age inappropriate, age inappropriate relationships Age inappropriate sex They have sex digitally or in real life With men much older than them People call it by mistake dad issues These are not dad issues This is their way of extreme objectification and annihilation of themselves Removing themselves from the scene, so to speak Anyhow, she says I let I let him kiss me when he dropped me off That much older man I let him kiss me when he dropped me off I guess he had paid for dinner We see the transactional mindset here He had paid for dinner The only thing she can give back is not her presence Not her conversation Not her youth Not her livelihood Not her beauty Nothing The only thing she can give back is her sex I let him kiss me when he dropped me off I guess he had paid for dinner Transactional sex Courtesy sex I wondered what Oliver That's the older guy The guy who is twice her age I wonder what Oliver had thought of me He didn't even know my surname Mysterious and secretive, I thought That's the way she conceives of herself As mysterious and secretive Ironically The borderline is mysterious and secretive But to herself She absolutely has no access to herself She is an enigma to herself So this kid who is 14 years old She says He probably thought that I was mysterious and secretive Independent Wild I knew pretty early on that I'd let Oliver fuck me It seemed like a natural progression It wasn't like a decision or anything I just didn't have a lot of choice He was grown up after all I would have let him do it straight away I thought it happened the first time that I went to his flat I couldn't think of much else Two people could do inside a flat I was nervous the first time I walked in there Sort of like there wasn't turning back And this single paragraph Contains numerous pointers and indicators of adolescent borderline personalities First of all the transactionalism He paid for dinner I have to give him six Second thing The dreamy fantastic self-perception grandiose and mysterious secretive independent wild Third thing The inexorability of it all The external locus of control There's nothing she can do about it It seemed She says it seems like a natural progression He was a grown up I couldn't think of much else people could do That wasn't turning back It's out of her control It's out of her hands She's just a passive inert object People, men operate on her Men use her as an object She is not there She is not an agent She has no agency She makes no decisions That's very typical of borderline This external locus of control The reason is that the borderline's intimate partner regulates what we call her eco boundary functions In other words, the borderline outsources her internal processes to the intimate partner And he becomes an extension of her mind He kind of takes over her mind So of course she has this feeling that she's a puppet Marionette Ventriloquist puppet And because she can give nothing else but sex Everything is imbued with sexuality and interpreted via the prism of sex Once he has touched my teeth, I thought I'd be pretty much on safe ground You cannot dump someone straight after doing that So she regards sex not only as a token A monetary coinage, a monetary unit But she regards it as a guarantee of longevity of relationships It's something, it's a talisman It's a protection against abandonment If she lets him touch her breasts She would be on safe ground Because he would not dump her straight after doing this Sex guarantees presence The presence of the intimate partner She's terrified of abandonment and rejection But if she gives him sex magically And it's a form of magical thinking Magically he would get addicted Or perhaps he would feel uncomfortable Shame and guilt, guilt-tripping, shaming And he would not abandon her The only way to secure his presence in her life Is to keep giving him sex I was 14 now, she says I was an adult, not a schoolgirl, no way Liberated, independent A kind of woman who has somewhere to go Someone to see And I wondered why I'd want to smile Why I'd want to when I wasn't even happy So we see a clash between grandiosity I'm liberated, I'm empowered, I'm going somewhere etc Between her grandiosity and her profound Sadness and unhappiness Like most borderlines, she uses vulgar speech Borderlines use very vulgar speech Reminiscent of the lingo or jargon Or slang of sex workers Borderlines sound a lot like sex workers On the one hand And on the other hand She uses euphemisms She wouldn't say for example I'm sad, I'm heartbroken She would say I'm unhappy She never uses colorful words Extreme words Precise words She uses mild euphemisms She kind of smooths everything Languages is both neutral And pretty meaningless Has no nuances, doesn't convey much It's kind of a The language becomes a control mechanism If I don't say it's not going to attack me If I don't use the right word I'm not going to get in touch with my dysregulated emotions They're not going to overwhelm me If I don't say that I'm unhappy If I don't say that I'm sad Maybe I will not be sad And maybe this sadness will not consume me So she uses these euphemisms and vulgarity Combined for a girl age 13 or 14 She uses fucking fucking every second sentence And then she has this conversation I didn't think you'd let me go Nothing happened It came out too loud And I had to look away then I wanted to go I knew you wouldn't let me So she's arguing with her father Father says How did you do that? It's so stupid It's so reckless It's so dangerous How did you go out alone With a man twice your age Into his apartment To his apartment I mean It could have ended badly Didn't I teach you better And she says I didn't tell you Because I didn't think you'd let me go Plus nothing happened She protested But it came out too loud And I had to look away then And she says to her father I wanted to go I knew you wouldn't let me I said slowly That's all I wanted to be reasonable I wanted I don't know He was looking Her father was looking for an answer I guess Some reason that would make it All perfectly natural Perfectly understandable So The borderline is manipulative She would hide things She would lie And she would rationalize Thoughts and behaviors Which can never ever be justified But her defense is so strong That she would believe her own Rationalizations and confabulations It's not like she Very often it's not like she were lying She is not lying like the psychopath does It's not premeditated But it's an instantaneous defense She just hides things Passive aggressively It's a little like the covert narcissist She hides things She glosses over things She ignores things She doesn't tell She lies by omission Rather than by commission So she wouldn't actively spin a tale But she would omit crucial Super critical details She recasts and reframes events So they don't sound and look Anything like what really had happened All in all she gives the impression of Prevaricating and lying constantly And the father says Maybe I did something wrong I mean maybe it's my own fault Who else's fault could it be? I didn't answer him she says He was right It had to be someone somebody's fault Not his fault though Not his when he was almost crying When he had done so much for me Never ever his It had to be my own So borderlines after they act out After they behave recklessly After they do crazy or socially unacceptable thing Like participate in a gang bang Or something like that They feel very uncomfortable Ashamed, egotistonic and guilty If they cheat on an intimate partner They feel very guilty and so Then they switch from alloplastic defense To otoplastic defense That's why Kernberg Otto Kernberg said The borderline is on the border between neurosis and psychosis Borderlines have both sets of defenses They are in some respects They are very much like psychopaths and narcissists In other respects they are very much like neurotics So they tend to blame themselves But first they act They act unthinkingly They just decompensate They disintegrate They switch from one self state to another They become psychopathic and narcissistic And they act And when they act They dissociate Very often Or reframe in a way That removes all emotions from the act And then the day after Or an hour later or a minute later They have egotistony They feel ashamed and guilty And so It's a brilliant book And the best introduction I've ever come across In 26 years in this racket The best introduction I've ever come across To have the lessened borderline A masterpiece A certain age by Rebecca Ray Titled alternatively pure I'm continuing to read from the book Spending the night with someone Meant having sex with them It was just the next step Like snogging a block Kissing a block It's the next step after meeting him Thinking about it It sounded like one long slope Once you were on there It was just too much effort to stop This excerpt describes the borderlines Lack of boundaries Because she feels overwhelmed And dysregulated and out of control So lack of boundaries That is the outcome of an external locus of control It's an extreme situation Where you feel that the control is so much outside yourself That your actions are so determined from the outside That there's no point in placing boundaries It's too much of a struggle And it's unlikely to succeed She continues It hurt It hurt a lot But it didn't matter I suppose that nothing ever matters Not really Remember I mentioned the emotional numbing Removing yourself from the scene A reduced effect display She continues This is the first time she has lost her virginity To this guy who is twice her age And it hurt a lot But even though it had hurt She says it didn't matter Nothing ever matters Not really But when he fucked me There was nothing in my mind And I wanted so much to pull away Just make him get off Just make him stop everything To push him out Add hide Add hide I thought Add close my legs Add run But I didn't pull away from him I didn't move Every muscle tight against him I lay there as he hurt me and hurt me And I didn't pull away I lay strained, rigid And I waited for it to be over I think I'm in love with you She says to her all Much older lover The guy who took her virginity Popped her cherry I think I'm in love with you It was easy to say to her Whispering Whispering Whispering Whispering Like I had my fingers crossed behind my back And it made me think of Milsen Boon The famous publishers of romance literature I don't know It made me think of stupid things A whole load of bullshit I wish I'd never heard of romance Stupid nasty shit This is her defense Deep inside she's very dreamy She's very romantic Bored lines are prone to casual sex and promiscuity It's one form of reckless behavior But when they do engage in these practices They superimpose a fantasy on the situation They create a fantasy in their minds This fantasy is a whole story A whole story with a man Where the man she's sleeping with has a role She has a role And it's a dreamlike state It's a trans state The superimposition of fantasy on situations Which are absolutely dreary, sleazy, reckless, dangerous, risky, disgusting This superimposition of a fantasy is of course a defense Fantasy is a defense mechanism And so her fantasy is romance And romantic fantasies are very common Among people with borderline personalities Injecting romance into a situation Which is anything but romantic Is a defense against cognitive dissonance But she rejects this defense She's furious that she is so weak That she needs, that she resorts to this defense On the one hand she does She tries to transform the situation into a love affair She says to him I think I'm in love with you And she keeps her fingers crossed And she's whispering And she thinks of Mills and Boone The publishers of romance literature So she imposes the fantasy But she resents it She rejects her own frailty and vulnerability And then she immediately resorts to the disembodied Depersonalized, derealized, dissociative, harsh, vulgar voice She says, and I wouldn't be in love with him, wouldn't I? Of course I would He had just fucked me So she says it's nothing to do with romance It has to do with sex Sex makes you fall in love Sex is an inevitably inexorable outcome of sex And sex is objectified Sex is nothing because my body is nothing And I'm nothing and I'm not there It's not nothing to do with romance It's a kind of addiction An addictive reaction And he says I think I'm in love with you too And she is already far removed from the fantasy She had, she woke up from the fantasy She disillusioned and she says No you are not She says about herself I don't think my mouth was meant for words My mouth was meant for other things Her friend Dawn says to her He is not a nice man she said He can't be I nodded looking at her But she didn't seem to realize that I didn't really care Lying The borderline lies first and foremost to herself And then lying comes naturally as a defense against A world that judges her A world that constantly criticizes her And the voices the introjects inside her head That are doing the same The borderline is an extremely harsh and sadistic inner critic or super ego So lying comes naturally to borderlines Although these are not the same lies the psychopath tells The psychopath tells lies in order to obtain goals It's goal oriented The borderline tells lies in order to distance herself From herself and from intolerable unbearable situations Because she's afraid to fall apart And the girl in the book says He wasn't difficult Thinking about it It wasn't difficult at all to lie Just another lie It hadn't been a big lie Not big at all And I didn't think it'd be any bigger If I gave it to Oliver too There's this rationalization and minimization Minimizing the situation It's a lie but it's not a big lie You know Borderlines always do this They minimize everything I slept with him but I was drunk I cheated on you But I didn't know what I was doing Oh I cheated on you But he meant nothing to me Or this kind of thing They tried to minimize the situation He had touched me all over And we gave each other oral sex But it wasn't full-fledged sex Or yeah I met him But you know There's always some kind of story To minimize what had happened And she is no exception This girl But this time by the way in the book She is already self-mutilating She's cutting And cutting severely At one time She counts the cuts And she says that she has between 50 and 100 cuts That is severe self-mutilation She's really really in bad shape She's really in bad shape All right then he said Like he had made a decision I didn't speak It wasn't up to me External locus of control I listened to myself and I wondered How I'd got here It all seemed very fast There was nothing I could do about it though I could only keep running And hope that things wouldn't catch up I could only go forward Except I didn't want him to be cross Oliver Not again Not when I wasn't ready I wanted to make him happy That's a people-pleasing element In borderlines Ironically borderlines who are Often aggressive and violent And act out and very I mean frequently resemble psychopaths At least secondary psychopaths Ironically they are people-pleasers They are so crucially dependent For their internal regulation On others That they need to please others They want to be accepted They want to be long They want to feel safe They want to feel regulated They want to feel level-headed They want to feel stable They want to in Only other people can provide them with this So they would give anything and everything That's why borderlines Are extremely sexually promiscuous Because they give sex In order to secure the presence of other people In their lives And these other people could be casual acquaintances A group of men A single man A date An intimate partner The neighbor Anything Borderline would simply offer sex But not only sex There are borderlines Who are not hyper-sex And they do not offer sex As the only kind of money Or coinage They offer other things But most borderlines are people-pleasers Because they are weak They are weak inside This is substantial fragility And vulnerability Of the internal system It's rigid Because it's trying to hold itself together But it's not doing a very good job It's borderlines of what we call identity disturbance So try to please people That's what she says I wanted to make him happy Language breaks down with borderlines As I had mentioned She says in the book The words had no real meaning And I just said there on my own It was funny that That it brought no feeling either And I knew that there should be some emotion here I knew there should be something I felt a little like I had lost the race There wasn't any feeling It was nothing Like gobbling someone off I thought Gobbing is oral sex Like gobbling someone off I thought I guess it didn't really matter who I've never chosen anything I said I'd spent a lot of time here Hours talking to him Funny though There wasn't much I could remember And then her father accuses her You have to just push and push and push Till everything's ruined That reflects of course Her anxiety And the borderline finds herself disoriented Unable to decipher reality Unnisiak Dissociative It's a terrifying state to be It's like floating Drifting above yourself Like an out-of-body experience And she becomes very relentless Very nagging Very insistent It's a form of clinging Clinging and neediness And it is ruinous It is ruinous for relationships And it drives other people to misbehave And punish the borderline in many ways This is what her father says to her This is really a small selection From a book Which is a pure crystal I can't recommend it enough I don't know where you could get it I think I'm a zone has a few copies A certain age Rebecca Ray Titled alternatively pure by Rebecca Ray Thank you very much Rebecca I corresponded with her a few days ago And I thanked her personally For providing me this deep insight Into the soul of an adolescent borderline