 Hey, Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show. Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure, with Susan Miller and the music of Matty Malek. Hold on to your tears, folks, for here they are, but Abbott and Luke Costello. Costello, tell me, where have you been? I went over to Sienko Mike. He's been in the hospital for the last 10 days. And Abbott, he's got a nurse with a beautiful blonde hair, blue eyes, and the most gorgeous figure. I've been to the hospital every day. How is Uncle Mike? I don't know. I'm going to see him tomorrow. How can you be such a colossal idiot? On this show, we only want the best. My grandfather's in the hospital, too, Abbott. He's 105 years old. He is? Yes, the nurse feeds him bourbon for breakfast, bourbon for lunch, and bourbon for dinner. Chase her? Yes, but at his age, she's too old to catch her. Costello, when are you going to stop being an idiot and start a monning to something? Oh, I think starting tomorrow, I'm going to train to fight Joe Walcott. Joe Walcott? Don't make me laugh. Joe Walcott has muscles. I got muscles. Walcott's got stamina. I got stamina. Walcott's got six kids. I got muscles. Why don't you save your money and get into the stock market? Did you ever buy grain in New York or sell barley in Chicago? No, but I sold some wild oats in Glendale. Costello, I think you'll be a loa for all your life. Nobody would hire you. Oh, I had a job last week at the Republic, working for a gene artery. But I got fired. Why? I forgot the tuna's Qatar and the Indians killed them. You'll laugh with our zany stars tonight, but before they continue, listen to this. Oh, yes, I am Abbott. I just met a very gorgeous girl. I think I'm in love. Love you, dummy. You don't even know what love is. Abbott, love is like a poker game. It starts out with a pair. He's got to have Jack her better. She gets a flush. He shows diamonds. And they end up with a full house. Sometimes with a joker in the middle. Costello, I don't believe you've got a new girl. No girl would have anything to do with you. Oh, but I got plenty of girls. My trouble is getting rid of them. When I get rid of one, another one pops up. When I get rid of her, another one pops up. It's like jumping from the frying pan into the arms of Jane Russell. That's jumping from the frying pan into the fire, my friend. You jump where you like, and I'll jump where I like. You want to be careful, Costello. This is leap year. This is leap year, you know. You may get trapped. Leap year is different. Why? Why? Well, it's the year when a woman proposes to a man. The woman makes up the man's mind for him. That's different. Now wait. Costello had juniors a month for marriages. But you don't have to worry. Very few girls would marry you. Very few would be enough. One at a time. In parenthesis, mad. How many girls do you think I need, Abbott? Do you want me to get arrested for trigonometry? No, no, no, not trigonometry. When a man has several wives, it's polygamy. When he has two wives, that's bigamy. Do you know what it is when a man has one wife? That's monotony. Not monotony. Not monotony. Monogamy. Do you know what monogamy is? Sure, I got a table made out of that stuff. Solid monogamy. You mean mahogany. Oh, no, that's the name of the guy that sold me the table, Patrick Mahogany. No, that isn't mahogany. It's Patrick Mahogany. Do you understand? Mahogany. Mahogany is the name of the song. Mahogany, don't tell me. Don't tell me. Let's talk sense, please. That's not Mahogany. Let's talk sense. There, that's not Mahogany. That's Mammy. Oh, I've been there, Abbott. You've been where? Mammy, Florida. No, no, no. That's Miami. That's what I clean my sink with. You mean Banami. Banami. Who? Banami, Banami. Now you're back to the songs again. What songs? Banami, Lines Over. Banami, Lines Over. Banami, Lines Over. Lines Over. Just tell you must have had a tough life. Oh, yes, Abbott. We lived next to the YWCA. And every wash day, my mother would blind for me. What's tough about that? You know, I was 25 years old before I found out that horses weren't the only ones that wore halters. Halters. Yeah, speaking of horses, Abbott, how was your wife? Oh, I heard that remark. Oh, I said it for you to hear. One more crack like that, and I'll lower your bicycle seat till your rompers get caught in the sprocket. I'm there, you insult my wife, Castella. Why, she's beautiful. Just look at her. I am looking at her. Mrs. Abbott, when I look at your left eye, I keep wondering. Wondering what? Wondering what your left eye has that makes your right eye keep looking at it. My bunny, Lines Over. Oh, with Magpie, you should talk about my eyes. I'm afraid to look at your eyes. Why are you afraid? I'm afraid a baby kangaroo might jump out of one of those pouches. Ha, ha, ha, ha, I told you. Oh, get over that one fast. Don't let Castella ball you, honey. He's feeling a bit spring feverish. He met a new girl, and he's thinking of getting married. Getting married? Huh? Oh, what a picture. Beauty and the blimp. Oh, goodbye. Oh, goodbye. Goodbye to you, Mrs. Abbott, and 33 skidoo. All right, Castella, that's 23 skidoo. When you get her age, it takes longer to skidoo. Wait a minute. Hey, hey, hey. Who are you whistling at, Castella? That pretty girl in the front row. Well, you can't get a girl by whistling. One time, I got two girls that way. You got two girls by whistling? I had a split lip. How did you get the split lip? Two girls were with a cup. I'm surprised at your actions, Lou. I always thought you were bashful. Well, I used to be bashful, Abbott. When I was born, I stayed in bed for a whole year. I didn't even talk to my mother. Castella, why do you always act so stupid? Well, I have to, because to make you look good. And now, wait a minute. When you came in here tonight, you told me that you had a new girl. Have you been out with her yet? Have I been out with her yet? I, um, oh, sure, last night we sat on a front porch. I wanted a kiss about her father was home. Well, does her father object to kissing? I don't know. I didn't try to kiss her father. Didn't you take her anywhere? Oh, yes, I took her out to eat. It was a swell restaurant, Abbott. That's where I got this jacket. I took it off the hook by mistake. I wish I had a pair of pants to match it. Why did you get some? Nobody hangs up pants in a restaurant. Get a load of this beautiful girl. Honored child, haven't I seen you somewhere before? Why, you showed up high. Weren't you what's year-olds last Saturday night were in a strapless, low-cut evening gown? Uh-huh. And it had a bare midriff? Uh-huh. And the dress didn't have no back to it? Uh-huh. I knew I'd seen your face some place before. One shillie is enough. Don't pad your part. Abbott, it's my new girl, Honeysuckle Epstein. I'm very pleased to meet you, Honeysuckle. Are you the new girlfriend that Castella has been talking about? Yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I show I am. And Castella, honey, when you didn't call me today to make a date, I just went all to pieces. Well, whoever put you back together again sure did a nice job. Honeysuckle, I'm crazy about you. Everywhere I go, I see your face. All night long, your face is before me. I can't sleep. Why not? I'm ashamed to have you see me in my pajamas. Oh, kiss me again. All right. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, kiss me again. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Are you and move going out tonight? What, why, no. That's what I came over to tell you, Castella, Honeytongue. Lon Cheney? Uh-huh. He can't cut me out. I'll break every bone in his body. I'll tear him to ribbons. I'll beat him to a pulp. But right now, a change of pace to let you hear this. Susan Miller to join Maddie Malnick and lyrically take us on a Louisiana hay ride. You greet your friends with a terrible frown. As you under his grip, come along with me on a mythical trip, no tag. Tickets your imagination. Let it have its way. Our magic carpet's just a wag. No use for calling to roll. Sitting in the hay, loving it away, oh-ho. For the time is short, a cracky little whippin'. Get your little ship to go. No use for calling to roll. And this magic sort of rupid to come along with us for guy. Just follow his instructions and you will find you. Start something Louisiana hay ride. No use for calling to roll. Oh, I like that sport. Sitting in the hay, loving it away, oh-ho. Get your little ship to go. Looks like you're going to lose your new girlfriend, Honeysuckle, the Lon Chaney. She's stepping up with him the night you're home. I'll fix that Lon Chaney, stealing my girl. I'll tell that guy where to head in. Oh, you're getting awful tough all of a sudden. Well, I've been taking those physical culturalists from Charles Atlas by mail. You have? Let me see your muscles. Let me see your muscles. I don't get the muscles until next week. But I'm plenty tough. That Lon Chaney don't scare me. I'd like to see that Lon Chaney walk through that door right now. I'd tell him where to get off. I'm Lon Chaney. Listen, Costello, didn't I hear you just say that you were going to tell me where to get off? Yes, Chaney. I'm going to tell you where to get off. Where do you live? Right here in Hollywood. Well, you get off at Hollywood and Vine. Costello, don't you get fresh with me. Remember one thing. I am the wolf man. Yes, Costello. When the sun goes down, he turns into a wolf. Him and five million other guys. Him and five million and one other guys. That's you, I know. Chaney threw you the hard way. What do you mean, the hard way? Push it through. I'll cut it out, Costello. You aren't tough. Oh, no. Lon Chaney, see my fist. What do you think of it? Dirty, ain't it? Chaney, the last guy I had a fight with is in a hospital. And he'll be there for the next two years. Yeah, who is he? Young Dr. Malone. He don't graduate until 1950. Listen, you little sawed-off runt. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to bite your head off and chew it up and swallow it. If you do, you'll have more brains in your stomach than you got in your skull. I got brains I haven't used yet. Well, don't let him go to your head, Lou. You shouldn't. You shouldn't be jealous of Costello Lon. Oh, I don't know, Abbott. When it comes to women, I'm a little stiff competition. You may be a little stiff, but you ain't no competition. He's got better riders than me. I don't like your altitude. What? Your attitude. Yeah. I was higher up on the other one, wasn't I? I don't like your attitude, Chaney. You keep away from honey suckle-up steam. I'm warning you to withdraw. Yeah, and suppose I don't want to withdraw. Then I withdraw my warning. All right, boys, let's settle this thing peacefully. I just want to say one thing, Abbott. Listen, Costello. Be smart, fat boy. Stay away from honey suckle. What's the matter, Chaney? Aren't there any other girls in your life? Yeah, but there ain't any life in my other girls. There wasn't any life in that joke either. And any more, you. Mr. Abbott, will you do me a favor? Certainly, Lon. Anything for you, Mr. Chaney. Well, drop by honey suckle's house. Here's your address. Tell her that I won't be able to keep my date tonight. I've got to work at the studio. You bet I will, Chaney. Hey, you've got a pretty fancy name. What do people call you, Lon or Chaney? Well, some people call me Lon. Other people call me Chaney. But my friends call me Junior. Ah. Out of my way, Abbott. I'm off to see honey suckle Epstein. You idiot. You can't go on that date tonight. You've got no money. Well, I'll stop at my uncle Mike's house and borrow some. He's loaded. He just sold his invention. What did he invent? A cake of soap, eight feet long and six feet wide. A cake of soap? A cake of soap, eight feet long and six feet wide. Yes. How can you pick it up to lather yourself? You don't pick it up. You just sit on it and slide up and down. I've got her address. And as long as you insist on seeing her, let's go over to the house. Let's. Not here fast, didn't we? Fine, Castelli. Here's how he suckles Epstein. My name is right on the door. Honest child, boyfriend, Costello, won't y'all come in? Honest suckle, honest child, little old, you look lovely tonight. That's a gorgeous dress you're wearing. Oh, it's just an old mother hobbit. A mother hobbit? Yeah, it is. Don't look now, but your cupboard is bare. Ah, Costello, you all has got to leave now. I've got to date with Lon Cheney. And he's very, very jealous of me. If he catches you here, he's going to be awful mad. Oh, no, honey suckle. Mr. Cheney stopped off at the studio and asked me to come over and tell you that he can keep his date. He has to work tonight. Oh, well, in that case, what do you think we ought to do this evening? Let's neck. Wait a minute, Costello. You forget that I'm here. Yeah, but I only neck with girls. I'm at the door. Who is it? I didn't have to work tonight. After all, may I come in? Honey suckle, we've got to do something. If Lon Cheney finds Costello here, he'll murder him. I know what to do. Just a minute, Lon. I'm the cake, and if he gets in here, he'll crack my frosting. Now, Costello, here's what we're going to do. You go in my bedroom. Put on one of my dresses, and I'll introduce you as Mr. Abbott's girlfriend. Come on, Costello. Into the bedroom. I'll help you get dressed. Hurry up. All right, take it easy. All right, Costello, get into these things here. Quick. What's this thing? Put this on first. What is it? It looks like a slingshot. That's a girdle. That's a girdle. It's a two-way stretch. No, good for me. I stretch four ways. Oh, stop. Now, slip the stress over your head. That's it. All right, now, let's go. All right. Hello, bud. What are you doing over here? I just brought my girlfriend over line. I'd like you to meet her. Her name is Miss, uh... My name is Lula Costellonitz. Oh, yes, yes. Well, shut my mouth. I all, from South Patterson, New Jersey, shut my mouth, you all. Yes, sir? Well, I'm just glad to meet you. Say, honey-suckle, put on some of that music on the victor who will have a dance. Get out some of that romantic stuff, like hold that tiger. But hold that tiger isn't romantic. It is to another tiger. I... All right, Lord, I'll dance with Mr. Abbott, and you dance with Lulu. Oh, no, now, wait a minute. OK. Come into my arms, me proud beauty. Oh, I'm not so proud. You ain't no beauty either. Now, you just dance, the cake is coming long. But I think I'd... I'd better dance with Mr. Abbott. He's the man that brought me. Oh, oh, terse nurse, that's all right, Lulu. I'm not jealous. Go ahead and dance with Mr. Shady Guy. Oh, it's all right. You rat, you rat Abbott. Rat, come on, Lulu. Let's cut a rug. Lulu, dear, what was that noise? That was my gutters. It's a long pull from my girdle to my bobby sock. Seem to be getting along fine. I think I'll go out in the kitchen with honey suckle. Hey, Abbott, come back here. Come here. Ah, Lulu, at last we're alone. Let me crush you in my arms. Mother told me there'd be nights like this. What is the matter with you, Lulu? Have you no warmth? What do you think this is? Puppy love? It must be your nose is cold. Please, Lulu, please, please, Lulu, can't you see the light of love burning in my eyes? As I draw you to me, don't you feel a spark of fire? Yes, I do feel a spark in the fire. Is it love? No, your cigar is sticking in my ear. You can't deny me any longer, Lulu. Let me kiss you. No, no, not today, Lon. Please, Lulu, just one little kiss. No, no, not today. Lulu, why do you keep saying not today? Because today I am a man. Wait a minute. By your Costella, I'm going to kill you. If you do, I'll never speak to you again. Abbott! Back for a curtain call in just a few seconds. The time it takes to tell you this. We want to remind you of the big contest on our Saturday morning Abbott and Costella Kids show. You can win over $20,000 in prizes, including a $5,000 airplane, a $3,000 automobile, a live baby elephant, a $3,000 house trailer, and thousands of dollars more in big prizes. You can win them all by entering this contest, folks. And at the same time, you'll be doing your part to fight juvenile delinquency. It's really a worthwhile project, folks. So remember to tune in Saturday morning. That's over ABC Saturday morning. The Abbott and Costella Kids show. You can hear it over most of the same ABC stations. See you Saturday. See you next Wednesday night, too. Good night, folks. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody, and Patterson. Time for another great Abbott and Costella show, produced and transcribed at Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Matty Malnick's Orchestra. This is Michael Roy saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday. Be sure to stay tuned for the Outstanding Entertainment, which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.