 I was debating on making this video about sexual predators in 12 step programs but I was inspired by the Me Too movement as well as the new How Will I Change movement and all I could do is speak my truth. So stick around because this is something that we need to talk about. What's up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem but we focus on the solution and yes sexual predators in 12 step programs are a big problem but we're going to talk about that problem and then we're going to dive into the solution. I have to start this video out with a big fat disclaimer because I need to let you know that 12 step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous saved my life and I wouldn't change it for the world and the best way that I can put this into words is by reading this quote from the AA Big Book which states, we miss the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of its trees. So yes there are some sexual predators in 12 step programs but the programs as a whole are amazing and they can save your life. It's just I need to warn you because I'm the type of guy where I'm not going to sit here and sugarcoat it and say that every meeting that you go to is just filled with amazing people because the reality is there's some scumbags in there too. So hopefully by the end of this video I'll be able to provide you with some solutions that can help you whether you're a woman or a guy who just really needs to get his act together. So when I was seeing this how will I change hashtag and thinking about what I could do because I do a lot already and this is something that I've always seen and thought about but I haven't really spoken up about it and I'm going to share with you a few stories for my friends who are women in the program and this first one is what comes to mind when I think about this. So one of my friends who I actually used to party with and she saw me at my worst she ended up getting three DUIs here in Las Vegas which resulted in her going to jail for I believe about six months. One day when I was driving home from work I saw her walking across the street and I pulled over and I was like hey do you want me to give you a ride and she told me she was on her way to a local club we have here in Las Vegas not that kind of club an AA club and this place it's huge they have three or four meeting rooms it's a hangout spot they got a coffee bar they got like pool tables and video games and like people just go there and hang out so I was like cool I could use a meeting like I'll give you a ride and I'll hang out for the meeting and we get there and as soon as we go outside hanging out and having a smoke all these guys one by one just keep coming up to her and just saying like oh you're new here oh hey my name's so-and-so this is my name here's my number if you ever need help in your early recovery please get a hold of me and I'm sitting there and I'm like are you kidding me right now now I want to make it clear people are very friendly when you first coming into the program but it was very clear that they were praying on her because she was a brand new vulnerable woman coming into the program how do I know this because not one of these men said hi to me and this is a meeting that I never go to so I was not a familiar face for all they knew I could have been my first day clean and they would have had no idea because they focused all their attention on her and this is such a scummy thing to do praying on women who are just getting sober in their most vulnerable state and speaking of a vulnerable state I have to share this next story one of my now friends moved out to Las Vegas in order to get clean and sober and when she got here there was a mix up with the sober living she was moving into and thank god for the women in the program who helped her out during this time but this young woman had lost connections with her family they didn't want anything to do with her or anything like that so when she first got here to Las Vegas she went into a meeting and she shared in that meeting just a complete wreck about how she doesn't have any family she doesn't have anything and she's basically homeless after that meeting a man walked up to her and he said a girl as pretty as you should never have to be homeless like are you kidding me right now those of you who are in the program and have ever been to a meeting you know how hard it is to even open up and get vulnerable and share in front of people and this guy found that that was a right opportunity for him to go over there and hit on her and while she's in this completely vulnerable state like this is the kind of stuff that just enrages me lastly I have to share this story with you as well and it actually happens to be with the same young woman who was just in the last scenario I shared about we always say don't date in early recovery and the list of reasons why is endless and I will make videos more about that for both men and women but one of the main reasons is because there are some very scummy people in the program and those of you who are clean and sober you know when we first get clean and our our drugs or alcohol whatever it was was our life that's what we were connected to once you take those away we're immediately drawn to people we need to fill that void with something and my friend she was going to meetings and there was this guy in there and he was these are her words he was mr. a every meeting he was sharing he was saying very inspirational things and he looked like the guy when it comes to alcoholics anonymous this guy had uh two or three years under his belt and when he started showing her attention obviously she was willing you know good-looking guy she's new in recovery this guy clearly has his stuff together but if you've been around meetings long enough you know that there's a big difference between being able to talk to talk in the meetings and walk the walk outside of the meetings so he ends up asking her out and they start dating and she thinks this has to be a good idea because just look at the way he shares in meetings he must be a good guy he must have his act together but that was not the case this guy had very bad intentions he ended up breaking her heart which almost led to her relapse but thank god she was in a sober living with women who were there to support her and then this guy went on to hook up with multiple other women in the program and she found out that that was this guy's game he finds new women in the program to show off to date them hook up with them and then kick them to the curb and this infuriates me see personally for me like i i'm not innocent when it comes to never being a scumbag to women but when i got sober i raised the bar for myself some people they say okay just getting clean that's where i'm setting my bar but as i started working this program i realized that i was a dirtbag in all aspects of my life and i didn't want to have to hurt women anymore let alone my family my son my friends and all these other people but there are so many people in the program where their bar is at the bare minimum of just getting clean and they still use abuse manipulate women take advantage of them and this brings me back to the next quote from the a big book selfishness self-centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles driven by a hundred forms of fear self-delusion self-seeking and self-pity we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate that's right when we get clean when we get sober we have to learn how to be rid of selfishness and i don't know about you but i literally cannot think of anything more selfish than putting your own libido ahead of the priority of somebody else's sobriety that is probably the most selfish thing that one of us can do to another human being in the program some of you know exactly what i'm talking about if you've been around the program long enough how many people have you seen relapse because of a relationship any respectable man in the program would know how vulnerable women in the program are when they first get there this is completely different than the outside world like men try to justify this by saying she liked me she wanted to date me it was consensual and i hate i absolutely hate to use this analogy but to me it's as disgusting as being a pedophile even if a young person consented to these acts they are not mentally developed enough to make these types of conscious decisions so using that as some type of scapegoat for your own terrible malicious behavior is absolutely disgusting to me people coming into this program are completely broken and they are looking they are reaching for anything to clutch on to and let me lay it out for you real simple you are not what they need to cling on to they need to work on their own self-esteem their own self-worth their own self-love these are the things that should be their priority and if you gave a damn about their recovery if you were properly working this program you would let them heal before you tried any type of a relationship with these women just getting clean in the program but now it's time to talk about the solutions so first this message is for you if you are a man who falls into any of the categories that i just talked about you need to get better quit being a scumbag because you are being a garbage human being and you are being a disgrace to these 12 step programs that are meant to save people's lives so cut it out with the fact that there are billions of people on this planet and you know your vision down to the newcomer is repulsive and i have to apologize because in my other video that i'm going to link up here the info card where i was giving tips about dating and recovery i made a joke about this about not dating newcomers but this is a real actual issue don't do it okay people are hanging on by a thread when they first get clean and it is extremely selfish of you to put that in jeopardy just because you think that they are cute remember this we practice these principles in all our affairs that means even when it comes to our relationships and our own need to be in relationships scratch that not need but want the second solution is pointed at you ladies stick with the women i hate to say this like i hate having to warn women about scummy guys out there i hate having to do that but this is one of the reasons why we say women stick with the women and men stick with the men because there are just far too many people out there who are not working this program properly and they are being sexual predators so women stick with the women find that female support group learn to love yourself you don't need any guy in early recovery to help you with your sobriety you can heal and you can get better and you have women to fall back on go to women's meetings a common excuse that i hear all the time from women in early recovery is but i don't like women i get along with men better i get it i'm the same way i get along with women better than men but i need to tell you this right now get over it you got to get over it because i cannot tell you how many women i've met who in early recovery said i don't get along with women and now that they have a year two years multiple years of sobriety all they can talk about is how they found women who they could rely on in recovery and now they stick with their women so just remember that you got to give it a chance not only just to avoid potential sexual predators in the program but to learn how to feel empowered as a woman and i know as a man i'm not a great person to talk about this but i'm letting you know what i've seen from my experience dealing with women who are in recovery so just remember we are a program that is meant to save lives and we need to start talking about these people who are making the program as a whole look terrible because people are not coming in because of matters like this and it has to change here's the question of the day what is your me too story about sexual predators in 12 step programs leave them in the comments below because the more you share the more we can open up a dialogue about this and potentially find even more solutions again for you men out there be better but if you like this video be sure to give it a thumbs up if you have any suggestions on future topics please live them in the comments below if you're new here i'm always doing videos about addiction about mental health i'm providing solutions to help you with your recovery as well as your mental health so make sure you hit the little round subscribe button right below this box over to the side of me you'll see some other thumbnails click and tap on them to check out other videos on this channel thanks for watching i'll see you next time