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When you've been in there for a long time people don't realise that it's hard when you come out it smashes you at pieces mate to serve all that time in there. It's like you have trouble with it. You have to find intimacy again. You've got to find ways of speaking to your daughter again or your kids again. You're very robust in setting your ways and your traits. So like you know is uh people only still see you as you were 30 year ago. Some people don't allow you to be anyone else. I was in Belmarsh and I was sitting there looking at I had 22 years sat in a cell and I think why most people go, we've said to me some tough people went over how you're going to do it. Do you want me to get you some pill smug and kill yourself. I went what they went over how you're going to fucking do it. It's like people come for the people was white as a ghost. When I got it it was the biggest sentence in the 90s. I was playing volleyball next day and I thought why am I to accept this sentence. It was a relief that I left the streets and went in the heart. Quite often when we're praying for people we get to find out what's been done, what the curse is and quite often it's like child sacrifice and human sacrifice and like a lot of witchcraft and devil worshiping and you know this is like quite common back in the day you know what I mean because the man of people we pray for, quite a lot of that type of thing happened in their bloodline you know. Straight away when it's to go to the cult and see these guys I'm going to look him in the eye. See that's that part come back. I thought I fucking want to destroy you man I want to look in your eye and I want to destroy you. As my two brothers here said about their hearts Lord people with broken hearts Lord broken hearts Lord Lord it says in your word that you Lord gather the pieces of them broken hearts and you put them hearts back together Lord Jesus. So we ask right now Lord that you do that Lord for any fragmented souls broken hearts Lord Lord collect the pieces right now Lord collect the pieces right now Lord put them back together with your own two hands Lord heal the broken hearts Lord. Ben we're on today's guest we've got two great men Tony Arton. Yeah nice James nice to see you again. Good to see you again Tony. Kev, how are you brother? Yeah good thanks. So I see something totally different that I've done we've got a former criminal man who spent over 20 years in prison for murder, Tratter Change is life. I've interviewed nearly 200 people. You're one of the best guys I've ever met. Thank you James appreciate that. Something about you Tony that something real about you and I can see that you're Tratter Change. Thanks man. Kev's obviously lived that life as well, armed robber, sold drugs, done a lot of bad shit, spent time in prison, now you're a pastor. Tratter heal people change lives. I just think we're used to guys connecting. I think something special can happen here. Yeah definitely. First of all guys how have you been? Oh god. Kev. Yeah alright yeah just getting on with things and working and you know a lot of stuff we do with the church and stuff as well so yeah pretty busy as always. Yourself Tony the last time you were on the podcast over a quarter million views. Yeah everybody's sending love. Yeah it's been nice and then I feel like I was getting somewhere and then like as you know just last week me cousin was brutally raped and murdered so that's been a massive shock. Yeah like really really done me. Just want to hear that. Yeah it's like uh I don't want to go into detail about it but uh RIP Maria Rawlings my cousin we love you and I miss you loads and uh that's what I'm going to say about it because it's like it's just devastated a lot of us you know what I mean. Yeah it's the way she's been killed is just like uh nothing I've ever heard of it's worse than Jack the Ripper or Ultra Ripper apparently he's just smashed her pieces left her naked at 47 years old outside of school it's just crazy yeah but uh yes it's weird sometimes and all you've it's like when when you all become the victims of like what we do sometimes you become the victims not like because we say we're but we wouldn't do that it's like we've got a bad thing where we go yeah but that's not us we don't do that we just do our own that's how bad our mindset is but it still affects you know it affects our any murder affects any other family you understand me you get you've had I've had a taste of it and it's not nice you understand me does that affect your tone like for you doing a murder to then yeah when your family get murdered does that yeah does that bring all the stuff that you've done up in the past how those other families feel yeah it feels like I feel like uh I'm not allowed to grieve like because of what I am and then I think I am allowed to grieve over it you got me this is just sad yeah it's the impact is massive yeah it is yeah massive but I think yeah you're definitely allowed to grieve because all of us make mistakes in our life and go through different stages you know what I mean and you've you've paid for your mistakes haven't you know you know what I mean it's not like you haven't been punished for it you know what I mean so you know and you're you're clearly changing and wanting a new life so you know why would you not be able to grieve you know what I mean so yeah but I'll see a lot of people come on on these podcasts and say change I even tell probation they say like sometimes I could have a fight every 24 hours because it's your way a life when someone looks at you a thing and I don't say nothing because I'm on life license which is a good fit it's a good because it keeps me grounded but sometimes it feels like people are testing you to push the boat out of you to see what you're about because I thought when I done the first podcast I thought like it was a breath of fresh air like I said to you for me it was like you're like my mate's sitting there waiting to tell you like I didn't get no bad comeback to full from the tall people was like proud of me for doing it so I actually like achieve more from doing it it's a bit of therapy for me yeah you were nervous about doing it but look at the love that you got and people people know real people ain't that you can people can pull the wheel over people's eyes for a short period of time and then the bill shits slits but if you're turning you're riving you never cancel today even know the shit that you're going through because he's so strong thank you and then you try to get a book done as well which I think would be phenomenal yeah try to change your life and do better make an honest crust yeah how hard has it been battling the last few months for you being out wow do you know what if I was brutally honest some days I'll get up and I I feel like smashing me in against the wall that's how it does me because the prison and I've watched yammy now he's slipped and my friend yammy obviously he was rolling and I said yam I said I'm going to feel you're going to have a fall because we go at it when you've been in there for a long time you people don't realise that it's hard when you come out it smashes you at pieces mate to serve all that time in there it's like you have trouble with it you have to find intimacy again you've got to find ways of speaking to your daughter again or your kids again you're very robust in setting your ways in your traits so like you know it's uh people only still see you as you were 30 year ago some people don't allow you to be anyone else but what I've learned is you just got to be you and you ain't going to be perfect ever in your life but you've just got to take you've got to keep going and be positive but I think I'm not going to be perfect ever that's like I still carry a lot of uh burdens and traits you understand me how does Tony help of that well I think the thing is see none of us are perfect yeah none of us are perfect you know as you know my pastor and stuff like that and I've been a Christian for about 17 years now but you know that's what I was saying on the last podcast that um I still make mistakes people say oh you know you're meant to be a Christian you know you do this I still can get angry I still can get impatient um you know and do safe things sometimes I wish I hadn't said you know but but I'm going in the right direction and that's what I believe is going to happen with you even even without God you know you're going to you're going to just naturally just you just take time you get used to it and you'll eat a few bumps in the road but along the way you'll continue to grow and it's just about a change of environment isn't it you know I mean you've been setting that inside and and with a certain set of people and stuff like that you know so it's going to take a while it ain't going to happen overnight but that's where the strength comes in you know that shows you a real strong man is not to go and hit someone it's to not hit somebody but that's really hard because I can go somewhere on a not day even when the lockdown's been on and you can go somewhere and you can be with your girl or whatever you're with your family and you might come across four geesers and and they're like this people just don't you think they don't know what you're about from your past in that and they're really rude when you're out of they're really rude and disrespect for a fine today but I'm not worried about them I worry about me because once if something happens it's too late it's just you know it's not mean you're violent you love violence it's just that it's that thing we talked about when you're a kid again it's put on you you're going to have it again it's frightening do you understand me so it's like I was kind of a void social life to be fair I'll do which is sad sometimes I avoid places or avoid going out you got me just institutionally just I still think I'm very institutionally badly yeah still I still have to have a set day even if like I ain't grafting now so I'll get up and it's like after me I wander around I watch YouTube watch a bit of YouTube but it's boxing all day and I think it's got to be a bit more but the love of me family keeps you going that's the thing that keeps you going and your friends like a good mate there Wayne's son I've got loads of good friends they're the ones that keep you going like Wayne's visit me for 20 or 22 years Wayne isn't it he visited me my friend and he's been that's what counts for me is that law he and a friendship but he don't ask nothing from me a lot of my friends don't ask me to go and suck their rag out of something is people still asking you for favor ton unbelievably yeah still now yeah yeah still yeah yeah still yeah still where do you go from here then toniging through that time with your niece do you know what it's I've got to change something in the next few weeks some things like perhaps this today my help that's why I've always believed in reason spiritually I am I'll come in a day because I need a bit of saviour today again I need a bit of an injection of a fairer bit a day do you understand me you understand what I mean so in a way I was pushed here today not me I don't have people think oh here they go do you like spiritual but to me something made me get up today for I've got to go there today because sometimes it helps it's a calling isn't it you think something's telling me to go and see James and you today do you understand me I think everyone's everyone's searching this is the thing you know I mean and everyone's broken you know one way or another you know I mean we're all kind of searching for something most of us don't know what we're searching for I will content this so I just want to be content in the mind but but but this is the thing all right this is how I feel myself a lot of years I never I wasn't never content with nothing you know I mean and it all seemed to be okay for a little while but really I weren't really content but what I feel now is I still have troubles and strifes and things go wrong you know tries and trials and tribulations as they say right but so we still have that to deal with in life that's wherever you are Christian or not you know but but what I have got is peace yeah yeah I've got I've got peace which I never had you know I always obviously in my old life I was always wondering whether my door was going to come through and you know I mean whether I feel would go wrong or so like you know someone tried to rob um one of my guys once and I sent my driver and they held him up with shotguns and stuff like that you know anything could have happened back in the day you know and then we was running around doing silly things as well guns and stupid things as well you know so but I never had no peace you know and the cross towards you know Kev how long did it take you to push through and realise okay I'm really making changes because I was making changes at the start obviously was something like that's the major trauma obviously affects past traumas as well and bring to the surface so how do you push through that how do you push through for peace and harmony in yeah for me what I would say to you what I would say is um you know for Christ is is what's is what has really helped me and stuff like oh you know is really helped me and like I say is give me that peace but it's just taking that step you know I mean and just trying and and but the thing is because of the environment you're from it's like everyone thought we was nuts my own family thought we was crazy many Christians and people were the boxers you could name them all do you know they think they'll get on the right path of it sometimes you understand what I mean but then I'm always religious so I'll go in my house I've got a cross here I've had it on my prison bed for years really because we're hypocritic sometimes when you believe in God like I do you can't have a prayer when you've done something wrong it's like it's madness like you do and you say please forgive me I've been at it and I've done this done that please and you just want that's your that's how selfish you are and then I always have this cross here the other night and when that happened I think why why again why is this happening do you understand me it's like the family gets settled in like see me mum and Maria's dad who died who got killed and my family and it's painful and I just think to myself nah sometimes it's it's hard isn't it so Maria's dad get killed as well you know the girl who get murdered the third dad get killed someone else no this was just a um it was just it's how it's affected us always just it's the way she was murdered is brutal yeah kev talks about curses he talks about generational curses all my dad's uncles were murdered what you were saying yeah all my uncles have been murdered a few of them have been murdered it's like generation but kev believes in generational curses does it kev we are you can what is that so basically i mean sorry my family's a capital punishment okay yeah my family's been um hanged in woelige years ago for murder doc policeman killed a doc policeman yeah so you so you know that first hand then don't you yeah that's that's like is he a redditory sometimes is he always come round yeah so so there's a reason for it so what normally happens in our in our past ancestors yeah it could be like 20 30 generations ago some things happen with them to start a curse yeah so when they just say that you know i'm sorry i'm sorry that's where i'm going to leave that so i'm going to be yourself no problem but but you could you you've only got to look at all different families you say oh you know what that guy's a alcoholic his dad was a alcoholic his granddad was that you know it might miss a generation you know sometimes they can they can conquer their demons as they say you know but so but you'll see that the same sort of things past down that generation or within the family might be a cousin might not go to that dad but it might be the cousin's done the same and then you've done the same and you see what i mean and so there'd be all different reasons for it so there'll be um you know it could have been that someone committed murder i mean the maddest thing is you'd never believe honestly some of the things our ancestors done because they was like pagans and stuff like that yeah they they done like quite often when we're praying for people we get to find out what what's been done what what the curse is and quite often it's like child sacrifice and human sacrifice and like a lot of witchcraft and like devil worshiping and you know this this is like quite common back in the day you know i mean because the amount of people we pray for quite a lot of that type of thing happened in their bloodline you know and so with that it brings different you know and then you've got also you've got like it might be incest you know and then because of that it's all it releases a spirit called Jezebel so Jezebel is responsible for all the sexual sin stuff so it could be you know this guy rape it could be sexual sin of some description could be incest or you know like can't get enough partners you know what i mean that type i think this is this is it nothing the sexual stuff i used to have years ago i used to go out it's not a bragging sense no more we'll not sit there now i'm old and look back i think you're not an hero you're not a main man doing it you're actually a bit of a saddie mate you're a bit of no seriously you're a bit of a sad guy mate because if you can't have one partner and have that intimacy right and enjoy that you ain't going to get intimacy from one night here in one night stand mate you're not you ain't going to get it it's an addiction it's another addiction mate you're going home empty you buzz at the time once it's over when you're with someone who you like and you and you have that intimacy after you like to lay with them when you're doing this and doing that and you're out you're partying you're going you don't want to label that person once that's over it's nothing because it ain't meant to be you know what i mean if you have a relationship you've got to have a friend yeah you know what i mean is they've got to be your friend and you've got to trust your friends that's how you've got to be i'm a law person i'll trust friends that i've got a lot on friends you've got me you're going to stand me so what is that then kev if somebody keep losing family members to murder and involved in murders what is that is that a curse yeah it's a curse so like i say it's there's different spirits so so very like you know obviously with murder it's a murder spirit yeah like i say it's probably they've had you know sacrifices going on so you get there's other sort of spirits you can get through that as well so yeah it just depends so you're talking back like i watched a true story of um the cripple viking boy what was his name the vikings and what's it i think now it's a true story but they used to like give up someone like you had to be sacrificed and like to me like that was their religion like you come on take your thought and go she's got to go and like they enjoyed going like they enjoyed going mate but they ain't going nowhere just getting your throat cut it's like madness isn't it 70 suicide bombers on that they think they're going to get married with 30 odd wives and go to this place and having for killing themselves people can be manipulated then by the mind and whatever they believe they can follow also so how can how do you break curses kev so basically um uh we don't we don't do none of this we we can pry over someone in general and we can say lord we you know we break curses and stuff like that but a lot of time what we do is we do deliverance yeah uh and so we go in a little bit deeper but with the deliverance we can't we can't do it on non-christians this is the thing yeah because what happens is the bible says that the spirits go out seeking dry ground and they can't find it and then they go back to the house which is us we're described as a house in the bible and and they see that the house is all swept clean and garnished it says and then they take seven more spirits more wicked than the first so it ends up being in a worse condition you see do you believe in any of that ton do you know what it's not it's not the same format i think about but it's it's on the same it's on the same path because i lay there overnight mate and i'm listen i know millions people watch this i don't care because i'm an up front guy because a lot of people were cowards they can't say what do you think yeah that's right do you understand me is someone successful a guy i bet he's a wrong and he's this or he's got there's so much hatred or jealousy for people so much your best mate could be like you think he's your best mate he's double crossing you every day he's uh to me i think he's like i always i'll say to i'll say to them my family size why can't i watch a film without thinking about a second fault and a third fault why i'm watching that film so you are supposed to be enjoying a film but i'll go ping ping ping so i've got four different things going on while i'm watching a film why can't i just watch a film and relax and just watch a film i overthink everything i do every day it's like a torment it's like a d is torture that's that's exactly what it is it's a torment in spirit i don't want to go up because i don't fear going to bed how mad is that he's mad could you could you fear going to bed so yeah sometimes i fear it yeah fear going to sleep why is that don't know do you have nine miles 20 yeah loads of nightmares yeah yeah i do have them yeah never had counselling fair to pay do you know what uh i've done obviously you know i've done something yeah but um he helps her a certain degree but only you know there's look you can spit a lot of stuff out but some things you've got you can't spit out everything mate because it'll empty you you can't do it there's a certain if you find look to me sometimes i think i wish there's a place i'll go where i could chill out and just like being me it's hard to find isn't it well i do know yeah funny enough you see more children me are very envious not in an horrible envious way i look at you now i think why ain't i like that but do you want to understand me you can have it yeah but i'm trying to have it how about that because i put down the armour i think i'm afraid to put down the armour i really am it's going to be vulnerable yeah being back a vulnerable game when i was like a kid that's what i really feel like i'm scared of putting me shield and salt down even though i'm not using it i don't want to you're still hanging on to it it's in the cupboard somewhere i'm never going to use it again hopefully ever in my life don't contradict what i'm saying i know what you mean i still know i can later say i think yeah i still can go if i want to go but i won't never go what a contradiction saying yeah but i'll go to my probation of i'll tell her i can get angry i don't go yeah life's bloody fucking sweet i sit down i go listen i'm having problems mate you got me because i'll tell them that's just honest isn't it because i you're not the only one they know that everyone's going for the same stuff i see james i lift i'll go boom come back from james that week anxiety come on i thought everyone might you do well then all son i'll go i thought i want a path i'm on then i went once the connection was done i'll see james i still call you he's a good friend now i can ask james a friend and he's love is genuine for you i know like he does in you know he's had some uh he's had some people he tries to help sometimes he's not going to go into it you learn you get bitten by a lot of people you do and you think where's that come from mate the vision i respond to that viciousness sometimes of people that's what i don't like someone is being spiteful to me that is what i find very difficult to be nasty to someone yeah yeah i know exactly i mean yeah to be honest you know this is this is one of the good things again yeah i'll make it sense do i make it sense perfect sense perfect sense right so so i went forward the same stuff right i'm a really loyal person and quite often i trust people and you know they'd let me down but you wait for them to let you down yeah yeah it's not when it's not if it's wind yeah when there's a sign it says everyone's going to hurt you in the end so it's best to be hurt by the ones you love yeah what i'm saying yeah what i'm saying really isn't it hurt by the ones you love it's terrible but this is what i found when i went to church right this is one of the things that i said i love it because there was all different people from all different walks of life back in the day when we first started going there weren't really a lot of people from that sort of background like that yeah and there's loads now loads yeah lots just everyone there yeah yeah you think everybody's looking for some sort of peace no matter some people see us from it through a drink drugs but they've seen it they say they've seen it off when my uh when i lost me uh kid was in jail i mean i lost me dad i was in belmarsh and i was sitting there looking at i had 22 years sat in a cell life i i think why most people go we've said to me some tough people went home now you're going to do it do you want me to get some pill smug and kill yourself i went what i went what they went down there you're going to fucking do it it's like people come the people was white as a ghost when i got it it was the biggest sentence in the 90s wow i was playing volleyball next day and i thought why am i to accept this sentence it was a relief that i left the streets and went in there i quite embraced it i quite embraced it i got the door shut behind me i quite embraced is that peaceful you're talking away from all the noise yeah yeah but now i've got love of me family again it's like it then puts another block in front of you that they need you and then i used to feel like i couldn't care if someone pulled a gun out of me on the street years ago shot me i still want to fight you know these people witnessed me the knife's been pulled out and i'm fighting in the street most men had run away that knife's going in me i'm still want it i want to i want to fucking have it right there and in so you think i actually thought i think give a a monk is whether i win or not but there when you get the children grow up and they love you and that you want all you don't you want your life to slow down a bit your birthday comes there you think i don't want another birthday because they're growing up and i ain't going to be along enough to help them when they fall over or they hurt themselves it's it's all much that's how i think yeah you've got grand grand yeah yeah i have two yeah i've got two as well so yeah they love them our life mate yeah absolutely don't on them yeah absolutely don't on them yeah they're precious aren't they yeah they're so precious you never think like when you have kids it's amazing like you think you'll never find that love again you know for only one else so amazing their love's law is true but yeah yeah then you really get your grandkids come along like i was keeping our life to him yeah this is like a lie he's like he's like for me right now he's just i'm in a i'm in a place where i'm all right i ain't going to fall but i'm not all right do you understand me i really ain't all right now right anxiety is back again at tenfold do you understand me he's like he's just he's just like i think i'm getting it for two days like i was going to do the book start doing the book and in all sun i think nah my head's not right for it and it's then i'll get a mode i go is powerful but i've just need to get on and do it so today is a big change me usually when i'm like i am now i avoid i've always been an avoider so today anxiety i'm not i think fucking i'm moving i'm going there mates do what i've got to do is it yeah you've got to push through it you've got to be strong because not many people can sit here i won't come on here yeah yeah you're right because they don't want to show someone going i'm really sorry what i've done there they're going oh fuck there man i don't feel sorry because they're like i want to be the gangstaan and be a tough guy because most guys are for it on uh a lot in my life and all they want to be hard when it's on them i've watched them crumble mate a brave man is a man who talks about his stuff simple as that takes a lot more strength i think sometimes a man who goes to work and provides for his children in a white van doesn't need to clean whatever that's a real man no not putting your life online to leave your kids behind how mad are you it's just crazy it all seems right when you're young isn't it and you're getting that mindset i've done it for my mrs i bought her an house and that and you think you didn't really do it for your mrs because you know to me if your mrs wants you to do that then the same one with her as well is that real love going on a bit skinned go and do a security van what fucking hell love yes that's lovely isn't it yeah come on is that real love is it for real love if a woman wants you to steam into someone i've had those like that i'm in a pub they go look he can't do him he just don't no woman should be telling you that or he said he said well when he's naughty enough to come on to that i say oh someone's chatting me up or rather that woman who cares about deal with it herself not come back to someone like us and say that yeah because they love it a lot of time don't they revel in it to see you go and fight him for him and oh that's my man and you know what i mean but yeah thank god i found a good one and oh you know what i mean and uh yeah they're all to find yeah yeah how hard was it to make your changes kev when you started from the robbery selling drugs in outer prison battling with addictions can you see a bit of yourself in tone yeah when he's the battling constraint where i see it across those two but you're going to push through you're a strong character yeah this is just a wobble in life where this is it's not do or die but you're too strong you've came too far you're too well liked to to go back 10 steps it's okay to take a step back to breathe if i was out now james this is serious not ego if i was out now i would say i wouldn't go out i said to probation have they run and they said how are you and i rung because i like to check in and say right now yeah i'm the i went straight away when he's to go to court and see these guys i'm going to look him in the eye see that's that part come back i thought i'm going to i fucking want to destroy you man i want to look in your eye and i i want to destroy you you understand me i full tone not every moment but i don't want to destroy him because i'm not it's not it's listen everything in this world gets dealt with accordingly without you stepping in you're not god you can't go around doing people you can't go around doing that you understand me it's not for you to take a life yeah if you listen to a lot of our criminal bullshit yeah someone gets like done we and we joke about in a bar because you're about johnny yeah he got stabbed through his ass and leg but he's got his indoor slippers on the lights out and he's got stitches you think that's that funny yeah yeah it's just like yeah oh they shot his toe off he's got one toe now we all laugh that's fucking mentalness isn't it at least you're recognising all that this is the thing you know i mean you're coming away i think there's already a big change happening you know like i said i watch i watch your podcast just to get a feel for you know what you've done and stuff and uh and i do see you know that you've got a lot of remorse for what you've done you know i do feel you know um you know there could be still some issues with unforgiveness and stuff you know a lot of different stuff yeah but see see that see see that you know what happens with people right sometimes they come out of prison right but they're still not free of prison yeah they're still in prison and a lot of people but most people don't come out usually either i can let someone be in there that long come out of fucking usually mate and they're like weakling you they're scared of you but they want to just be under your name of like my true mate has come up with me today he's a true mate he's like just his self of me talks out he wants to talk to me when people bullshit round me i don't like it i smell it and that's do you know that's the man to watch is the man who goes yes to you every time they're the ones yeah they're the ones they're the ones it's hatred full of it seriously you just got i think you've just got a distance yourself from them people aren't you like you say you know it's like a c a a a thing you know state there's people in places you've got to stay away from you know but if you didn't make some people lucky if you've been a criminal and you've made it and in a way it works from because they can't leave it alone but you've they've made their money yeah it's worse when you leave it alone but you ain't made nothing because you spent too long in jail and you missed the gravy chain but i would you say i'd rather leave it alone and not have any money from your moral gainings yeah would your path be a lot better do you understand what i'm saying it'd be a lot better a lot better yeah we were we was in the homeless hospital like i said right we lost all our money right our cars they took our current collected our cars we went from cop to estate in eppin right roge steward as our neighbor over the other side of the estate and all that and we ended up in the homeless hostel we had nothing you know what i mean and i've got to tell you we was actually quite happy you know in the homeless when we first turned up the bird in the office said oh yeah you know you you really like it and we're like are you having a laugh like we've just come from cop to a state why are we going to be happy yeah where's the tennis school yeah exactly yeah she didn't want to see anybody but actually she's right we made some really good friends people that have been through similar stuff to us that you know been broken but you know we lost all their money and stuff like that you know made life lifelong friends out there and and yeah it was all right we didn't have all the stress of bills coming for every five minutes and but bailey's knocking on the door and all that you know is that why you thought going to prison was good then because it's like the pressures of always having to step up to the plate tony yeah haven't to do damage if you didn't kill that man the first time you'd have killed someone anyway this is known i've got some of my mates come here with me a day obviously i mentioned a minute because he knows me so i don't see me so i don't tell stories because they're so if i told stories so i write a book i think some people go fuck you know mate is that really happen yeah you think i'll fucking want bragging rights mate it's like it's just like that it's i look back i sit down outside and when i'm with the kids in that i look at myself and how the fuck do you know i like get through that like fuck me out you know get through it it's like madness it's like being on a roller coaster and it comes off the rails then you get the wind as you hit uh what's it called the uh tracks like yeah you hit the tracks bounce off another ride smash your head out when you get back up and you go again next day that's how it is most do i have about what two fights week every week all the time every time yeah right it's for giving this important kev yeah forgiveness is really important because um i'll give yourself a lot forgive yourself is a big one because if you don't forgive yourself right the bible says we've got to love our neighbor like ourself now all the all these things that the bible says is for really good reasons and i didn't really understand it properly until i started walking in it myself you know but self forgiveness is a big thing and i do feel yeah that's what i've kind of got from you as well that you might be battling with but what happens is like i say um what there's this ain't my land i've got it online like but it says it's like unforgiveness is like taking poison and is expecting someone else to die when you've got unforgiveness for someone else you know but it's such a big one honestly i've prayed for someone this guy was on crack cocaine most of his life he's in his forties now you know in and out of prison and different stuff to get for his habit and stuff and uh and so i prayed for him and he had issues with his dad and that and that and i said to him you know it's really important that you forgive him but when you pray forgiveness i took him for a simple prayer but it don't have to be certain words it's just got to be from your heart that's it if you pray from your heart it sets your prayers on fire you know and so i said to him look just just forgive forgive your dad so he done this prayer from his heart and and that was it so six weeks later um he said to me oh kev he said oh i've just been looking through some pictures um and i come across one of my dad and i said uh and he said oh he just made me smart i said oh that's nice that's nice mate you know mean he said you'd be done understand he said normally if i come across a picture of my dad i get really angry and i said well this is because you've completely forgiven him there's some people can say they're forgiving it starts with the words the emotions might not be there straight away you know but you've got to keep on each day lord i forgive that person or lord i forgive myself each day i can't tell you how powerful it is it's a powerful weapon for the enemy for the devil yeah powerful weapon if you're in unforgiveness because what happens is he can attack you he can attack you with sickness and disease like the devil can't just people think oh the devil's so powerful and he can do this and that well he can do certain things if we allow him to if we give him legal rights to do it he can't just attack us willy nilly and unforgiveness is a really big sin and it and it's an open door for the enemy to attack you so uh you know if you get nothing else from this tonight a massive one i say to you is is to start walking in forgiveness for yourself now you could start with it right if it's just like say this for someone else you pray that prayer you might i'll have to say to people pray it for 30 days morning and night lord i forgive him and the word says that we should bless our enemies and we should pray for those who curse us and spitefully use us yeah so a few of the words you've been using you know so we've got to pray for them we've got you know so that they'll change the only way the it's going to ever break the chain's going to break and it's going to change is for us to pray for them now if someone does thank to us we go you know what i'm going to go back and do it back to them that you're never going to get change out of that the only way is for you to forgive them and to bless them lord i pray that they change lord i pray that they're not the same person anymore lord i pray pray for your salvation this is what we're meant to pray and then you see the difference you honestly i can't tell you if you do if you stick to it for 30 days and anyone listening got the same issues right but for 30 days morning and night watch the change that happens in you and then you know but that's like i say it's a massive one but if it's for yourself right you don't forgive yourself and stuff it's the same same process lord lord i forgive myself if you've got self hate issues and stuff where you hate yourself for what you've done or whatever then then it's powerful even if you don't use bible scriptures just to say thank you in the mirror positive every day and it's hard for people because listen we're all struggling a life's are all fucked up any way we're all in a bit of a mess but people listen to you to be thinking i'm not trying that bible bashing shit but if you're leaving already in a mess why not i'm not open to everything you try a bit of gear or get something else so what is this no different to try and saying else because people say i wouldn't try to bible bashing shit but then they put the bottle down then or something then yeah but you know but you know the other thing to own right what's really mad about it all they'll say that but then they'll go into a spiritualist or a psychic or a medium you know i've done that try to try to hear people who's been muddled i've died in the family of friends to just to get about a piece you see i wait fairer you'll see a robin in the garden you'll say that's them giving me a sign we'll look for signs we'll want another piece from your last podcast yeah when i don't like i don't like rapists don't like sex offenders and that happens to my cousin yeah oh well yeah and that was weird i said to james when isn't funny i went ask went to james there traits i'll never leave don't like i don't like people informed if you if you don't want to be a criminal i'll find that it's like to run with the thieves and then you want to give evidence to people and that to me that's a no no that that's like the worst for me it's a trait i can never leave i won't be able to give anything up or anyone up yeah but if you have that in your weakness in you then don't do it because you're involved you have to blame don't fret on everyone else and then when i said i don't like uh them kind of people then that happened to my cousin and look to me it's like that kind of horrific murder what happened to my cousin is like it's like i'll think look watch this i'm thinking this week that's one in a billion i won't want it to happen to anyone else is i don't you think why her but then you think why would you want that to happen anyone's 21 but you think that's one in a bit why why is it my family that's just happened to do you understand me i do understand it uh because i always had my little prayer every night always people you never know that always every night i have a prayer i've gone religious deep in full satan eye security yeah i was the only one who used to go because villains feel it's shamed to go to church and you've got me but a priest i met was for mine and he was great and i've sat him i've sat him uh brother i said no what mate he used to bless me every night put that hand on your head because i just needed saying to get you through the sentence yeah i mean i don't stop sinning every day i said all these sins i've been in prison i'm still sinning yeah he's like he's hard yeah he's like that's what they say he makes you stronger to say hello to something you don't like do you feel cursed tony yeah yeah because it's like you're such a good guy man i know you've done bad shit but you're genuinely one of the best i've met him i've genuinely mean that i'm not going to say that to every fucking tom ding harry but over the nearly 200 guests i've interviewed you're the one i've always kept a bond with and we're always trying to get something to it's hard because i sense your act across those brother genuinely do feel it but you have got so much goodness in me even now you're constantly battling not to do bad things yeah you're finding that hard to fucking really hard i'll tell you i'm really hard i'll do yeah i'll do oh it's like i said the probation i've got a fat probation i'll be in a lot of trouble or i'll buzz you the other day for some reason i buzzed you about the thingy because i needed a bit of support there so i went to you i went oh look what's happened didn't i yeah yeah because it was a bit just even for him to message me back there's enough for me to go someone's on me on me like got me feelings with it all do you understand me yeah but then like it's now i'm carrying the raw stuff for me now so i feel like i wouldn't like to be in a position now because i feel that when i get like this it's pain i feel like it's like i couldn't lift that tape up and i have the strength for me is unbelievable i can march on it's like i want to go mad or do you understand me i want some to jump out and have it with me but i've gone past that i'm not doing that but it's that fucking it's you know it's just it's just hard for me well i can't even imagine you're not mean i can't even imagine how painful it must be for you to go through that you know but um you know it's still like it says only just just to happen and it's very raw for you it's hard to change you know let me tell you what it's hard to change tell most people even don't live our life me and yours just to change their behaviour around their wife or say it's hard to change yeah they go change what they go ask your wife because you never ask that most us men over the worst they go home and they never ask the wife how they feel they go you're right yeah i'm all right that's just i'm going to talk about how she feels or nothing do you understand me he's like you know we're stuck at their own places sometimes and i'm a serious way as they say like we were supposed we were supposed to do this interview two weeks ago and obviously we got the dates mixed up and obviously all this stuff has happened so yeah thanks you're obviously to be here for a reason brother at this time thank you yeah yeah we'll leave you down the date yes yeah well when did you find out about your cousin ton uh i got a message uh and it was this is weird i didn't tell me cousin's dad this i went to press on mum and marie's number was underneath and i thought you know what i need to ring marie this is how it fucks my head up this is the true story i thought i wonder how she is ike monger fages yeah and then the next day he said message they found marie dead so spiritually in my head i think that's fucking mental how is that what you got to think about a night before that happens right that's 100% i swear look that's why it's done me i was thinking i didn't tell no one i said i was thinking about when it's my mum the other day i thought wow and that happened did you sometimes i'll think something you get is telling you saying but you don't know how to respond to that that's weird no i was trying yeah maybe the lord was leading you on it yeah the thing is you know what what we find is and then you're guilty because we don't see our families like we should do yeah but that's just we're all guilty about that and we you know it's not good to be just all guilty that is it no it's not why should we turn up a few rules and go and see them we should be there from all the time yeah do you understand me life life kind of sometimes throws things in your way you can't always you know like yeah i sort of see you know me grandkids i'd love to see him like every weekend you know i mean i spend time with them but i can't always you know we're always out busy normally weekends we're playing for people but you know it could be that my thoughts come to church with the kids and stuff you know but or we go out for a meal or something like that you know but um but yeah this this is the thing but um yes uh if i'll do this book i think this book i've got to do it because they just then i've got to shut it and then i've got to leave it that's what i feel that's like a little wobbly ground for me mate yeah i think it's impossible with me you know i think i i believe in myself and i'm in a good sense that i could write a powerful book ever that's how i feel look people go all right mate but i do know you should do it you should push through it you know i can't do it so it's because it ain't how i want to do it it's got to be like if he's talking to me and i'm doing it and me and you and him it come out and he was recording it it'd be powerful but you've got to catch me on that day to be to have that powerful story for anybody watching who reads books people have came forward but it's trying to get someone your trust people are full of shit as well everybody promises a world but if somebody's watching it can do tony's book get involved and drop me a message and we can and get it sorted i bet the man from barcelona and he said but he's uh it's a bit hard where he is from but i'm going to discard him he's like you know this world's a bit new to me and i've got to find out everything first before i do anything is this like so you don't know what's going to come off the back of that aver did you know i mean tv and do you know i mean you could be put you know right back on your feet really quickly you know i mean so so yeah just keep being as fast as your life can turn for the worst it can also turn for the better just as fast also you just got to keep pushing through to on your come through so much in life brother that you just need to push through again keep swimming against the waves and just eventually just make sure you don't sink which is fucking hard for anybody to say but for the shit that you're going through now and still being here to tell your stories it shows you what kind of character you are because you ended up watching a youtube video but did that not fuck your mind up with watching your cousin get killed watched it i didn't mean to i thought what am i doing this because that's the life with modern life now i don't i didn't realise i'm not with this well now years ago you heard it on the radio or you heard it on the six o'clock news now cameras everywhere this is not a fucking done it on camera people bang it all over youtube yeah horrific to watch but if you want to watch it watch it and i thought oh i want to see the teaser like an idiot i want to see who this man is i wanted to see him and when i looked at him i thought i want to fucking hurt you mate because i watched him pick her up and chuck her down mate i thought mate fucking hell what that time oh it's hard because i would annihilate him mate seriously see if we all say watch this now what sage is powerful you we say we changing all that yeah if someone picks your wife up right now then and slings are over whether you're on life license or not that's the real change right have you got me if that is hard not to respond to your kids or family getting hurt right wrong change that's a different thing yeah someone done it in front of me then i would respond as a pastor as a pastor i don't know where you got to defend you if someone's attacking my wife in front of me then i'm attacking them oh there's no way i'm going to let my wife be attacked or my children that's that's what i was thinking for an honest answer so yeah i say that's not like well i don't think see i don't think i would look at it and say oh you've done such a bad thing because you've protected your wife or children but it's still fucking charged you know if i start i'll do him and i'll start stamping on his head after maybe that's another story do you know what i mean but if i if i defend my wife or my children that's another story yeah of course 100 percent i don't i don't think i don't think i'll be judged for that for defending them was that your instant reaction to only just to get revenge yeah it was yeah i'm talking about that and i said yeah yeah burning me but i've actually let that go i have a nice truth yeah i don't see a lie i've had to let that go it will eat me up otherwise i was going to say let me just it do his time and he will he come on karma he will face what you'll have to face in there it will happen so let me reiterate what i'm saying there as well so that we don't get misconstrued with it obviously if it happened and you wasn't there to stop it yeah then that's another story because then it's it's you've had time to think about you've you know you've you're not you wasn't there to you're intervening it ain't going to stop it it's only going to create more stuff do you know i mean so but if you was there you'd be perfectly welcome to i think to protect them you know i mean but but certainly not to get revenge is another no i don't want that of seriously i know i know you don't i know i know i know i don't but i don't but i think let let the let the god does everything that they deals with you their own way yeah you're you're like people think you come out and you think i've done me cent as you come out let me tell you what mate i think it's work for me coming out is a is an effing nightmare mate it's hard it's the changes i've had to go through is unbelievable it's going to get better though tell me yeah it was going to get better and then it happened so like it's like you know it's just like you know i feel like i ain't got a purpose sometimes i want a purpose i think the books are purpose you understand me it's like my behaviour is done that with james i should have marched on from there but i didn't i didn't go social meaning i'm off started cutting off again so you've got i've got to learn to flow with it and keep going but it is hard as well especially given it's yeah but it's difficult don't yeah but that's difficult to you can't you're identifying with these things you know what needs to be done like after this again you ride the wave but it's you're not you've been missing for fucking over 20 years you've been stuck in a fucking four by six not knowing what's happening so it's not just a case of getting all this attention thousands of people messaging you and think because i can't fucking deal with it i don't know how you deal with it seriously and i'm still battle of the day do you know what i mean so it's just one of those things and they're good people and all black people like deserve more from you but sometimes you don't think you deserve it that's that's the thing yeah yeah do you see when that happened to your cousin tony when you know the effects that has on families did it bring up the mother that you've done to then think 100 million percent how those families feel 100 million percent yeah 100 million percent yeah is that where your battle comes in no tony yeah because it's the first time i've been on the treatment side of it you understand me yeah it's not a nice feeling no i can imagine for some of it may have day yeah but we do what we do that's not the same it's the same is someone's going to kill yeah same thing man yeah yeah it's still to bring trauma to another family in it but like i say you know you you've clearly in remorse for it if you come out and you was like yeah i've done that whatever i've served my time that's another story but you're clearly in remorse for what you've done do you know what i mean and and you made the mistakes you were a lot younger then wouldn't you know i mean you made your mistakes you've served your time and and you're coming out and you wanted to change it you're still going to connect to i believe use all exchange numbers and yeah definitely yeah yeah me he's got if you look at him and look mean that'd be funny i'm a very deep person he he's he's energy is very light it's comfortable i want that and i think i've done get it but you could have it yeah it's really simple watch him on tell you know when he's having a struggling day and no one else had no i would yeah and that's that if i went to him on what day he'd go fuck off you i can't believe you i'm deep i will look at you think you're struggling today yeah even when he goes boom you're on he could get through an interview but he'd be struggling with his stuff still yeah i've seen him mate yeah so before we go off it again right let me tell you right it's very simple very simple what you do right like i said this is what i say to me you've got nothing to lose right it's just a few words invite the lord into your heart yeah and just recognize what you've done for you yeah and ask him to come and change you and to give you the peace that you're after yeah it's a few few words if it don't if it don't mean nothing it don't matter does it but look at Nigel ben jimmy tims all of them yeah i met yeah i met Nigel ben now changed his life around just absolutely changed his life man he was doing all the wrong things he's just is a different man mate he's just so i think well why ain't that fucking message come to me yet mate because i'm still waiting but maybe maybe you weren't ready maybe you'd have got it then and not not received it properly you know i mean i had that myself you know when i was in prison i've done the prayer salvation but i said this i won't go over all the stuff but the catholic again when i've been in prison i've gone right on it i've done the bible studies again mate you got me i've done it all do you understand me have you tried christianity no no like i said my mum god rest of so was from water all catholics my dad's from doubling all catholics yeah and uh and so that was my background but they weren't really practicing most of them call themselves catholic but don't really practice it you know i mean en so and so for me but i've been sort of brought up without all my life and and it's transformed my life yeah but you see you look i can't i'm here for you a day right this is what i'm going to say to you right now i'm staring right at you yeah and your presence is like you're fucking not smiling and you're relaxed do you understand me that's how they all talk you that's the peace yes yeah you've got what i ain't got but not even i look at james james ain't got yet what you've got do you want it yeah of course i do yeah do you want us to play now no no no no okay because it'd be wrong for me to play now because there's a it'd be just doing it because i'm doing it to no problem yeah i want to do it when i'm ready to do it yeah all right well we can talk and we can you know give him a number and stuff and we can talk on the phone and yeah it's not like to pray for marie as well definitely yeah i went to do that the other down i thought why didn't i do it because he's just magnus could we say a little prayer for barisa all right yeah so so um what it is there's a scripture in the bible that says that i looked for someone to heal the land uh to stand in the gap to heal the land but i couldn't find no one yeah so what we we believe look i don't know 100 percent obviously we'll find that uh when we're before the lord what who's got in and who hasn't you know but but i'd just like to say just a little prayer for her to say look you know to stand in the gap for her yeah so yeah so father god lord i just i just love you lord i just love you lord i thank you for this opportunity to talk about you and your kingdom and to share it with my brothers as well lord and um father we just lift up maritia lord and we lift up this horrific thing that's happened to a lord but but father we really pray lord we stand in the gap between her and you lord and we repent of any sins she's had lord anything she's ever done wrong lord and we ask lord we ask that you allow her into your kingdom of heaven father god we ask lord that you welcome her in and so that a family may have pieces well lord and we ask this in the mighty name of jesus lord and we trust with our faith that it's done lord that she's there in heaven with you right now lord come for you know in jesus mighty name but father we also lift up my brother toni lord and all the family we pray lord this terrible traumatic time that they've all going through lord and what they've had to hear and endure about what's happened to uh uh murree lord and we just we just pray for peace we pray for peace lord uh the peace that surpasses all understandings fall upon the family right now lord uh fall upon the family that they may have that peace in their heart lord that although she's gone through what she's gone through lord that she's there in heaven with you right now in jesus mighty name we pray thank you lord amen amen thank you lovely thanks that's nice okay my brother yeah that's lovely thanks for that appreciate that mate yeah appreciate that yeah but murree but yeah powerful but you can't you actually look like a pastor or someone who i don't know what song is i just triggered that off in you yeah look at me he looks really he looks on form yeah he knows what i'm saying that's the song that's the mask that's the mask that's our mask yeah i look at him and i know he listen he and then he gets people they want to jump they you think fuck you know where's the infamy science and i think i wonder how he's doing with these demons right now under pressure because he that's when he eats us when the demons come on yes you think you know what fuck this mate wallet boom yeah yeah that's the devil mate that's what he does sometimes i sit there and i have a thought where to go oh mate i can't believe you've turned out like this so i'm like mate how can you let it get to and you that's the devil where end your head and then you get a good side go well i'm happy i'm like this yeah do you understand me yeah you could the good one weighs my bag on that out right now and the only reason i look i don't never even like to be patient mate yeah sometimes i'll find it and i'll not to have a tear up i do because i just want to be left alone signs i'm like we'll pass something i think they're mad they won't pass me go right mate and i think what the fuck like that's what is that these are bad just doing that to me that's going to get easier though yeah but now i'll just go you know what i put me head down mate yeah and i was in a car the other week you know geyser went to uh to don't you know yeah fucking listen he didn't see me in the car and i thought do i really want it to jump out but you know what is it was nice that i didn't jump out amazing it took a lot more strength to not jump out and do you know what you gotta learn is not to have the fault do you know what i could do to you that is a muggy fault because that's the that's the same fault that drives you why don't you say do you know what i ain't going to do to you do you understand me you know what but the thing is what the devil does right he'll come at you in the areas that you once had we won't say you got them there we once had weaknesses in and he'll try and come at them very areas and he'll put people that will cut you up and you know i've had it myself you know because i used to have quite a bad impatience and stuff and you know i find that very hard to find now i'd say you're very patient man funny isn't it yes nuts but but i was really impatient and um you know and i had anger issues and stuff and like a lot of rejection and different stuff you know i've had my own battles and stuff and i'd always get these things happening and i think like i've been walking down the street minding my own business and someone has just started me enough it's only because you're looking for it low it's like me sometimes you're looking too hard for it but if you don't you don't have to look for it signs it's just because you're looking for it signs no you know you know from when i was really young and that i used to get it a lot i used to go oh and i try and explain to him but you know i don't know trouble like you know and the next thing i'd know they'd carry on and then i'd react to it you know i mean no no but so i've been for all the same stuff so it's a hard one but you just got to keep resisting it because the devil wants you to get in a fight he wants you to be back in prison and he wants to destroy your life that's what he wants to do and he wants to take as many people as he can with with you right but you've got to resist it that's easy said than done you know but you you will because i can see that you already want to change it's already in you're already on a really you've got your foot on the path you know i mean and you've just got to carry on walking down it and you know you will get change so how can we get Tony there how to include in myself like i'm on the path i believe but i can slip back on to the other past very fast but i don't act on those traumas and demons with drink drugs anger frustration manipulating women to get sex all the bullshit the day but i'm still battling like i don't wake up and fucking you hear the buzz chopping i'm thinking i can't be fucked getting out of bed today but then i can put on a suit go for a sunbed people go you're fucking doing great you're looking great but i still feel as if you know inside you yeah you know inside you mate do you know what do you know they say take it one day at a time yeah my behaviour is impeccable right now do you understand me he's on a level of and and the people who love me my family i think don't they see how hard i'm trying but the other day from me family was really nice these what i've never had before they go well done we know you're trying hard to get a text message no i actually started having a tear in me i thought i'll need to hear that i fucking really really can't yeah my emotion there i really need to hear that mate you understand me because they are watching you think no one's watching you trying to change and then they go so you've done fucking really well you know you know saying here's the thing right so so i didn't get my change because of me because kev's so great that he done he really changed and no i didn't it wasn't because of me it's because of the holy spirit so when you get spirit filled yeah the holy spirit lives within your spirit your spirit gets sealed yeah so you can't be possessed you can be oppressed still but you can't get possessed yeah and the holy spirit lives in your spirit yeah and that is what things about change because now all of a sudden you have different feelings yeah you've got more feelings of love and uh oh you know you feel the god don't come to condemn you if you're being condemned that's the devil god comes to conviction because he's such a loving father if you fall you make a mistake what would we do with one of our kids if one of our kids was like you know just learning to walk and they fall down on the floor would we smack him and say get up what are you doing no that's right no you'd go come here darling come up you know try again you know but we that's what god we all have children's lives as well you know we make them sometimes you shun in the fear what we do you can't make them tough let them be where they want to be yeah we start to when they get to seven or eight you know we do we like they see a spider you scream they scream a spider you put all your traits into it that's exactly what happens yeah that's exactly what happens let your kid or boy be who he wants to be if he don't like boxing he don't like football let him be be who he wants to be if he wants to put a spider man suit on a climb let him be that funny funny enough my little boy uh james he he did another james he he did um used to put a spider man outfit on my daughter scarlet i've got scarlet dancy and james you know my three kids and um scarlet we was convinced we was having a boy scarlet came along you know oh you're carrying it a certain way and then the next next one said no no definitely this time you're carrying it different to the last one i can't stand it it's a boy right yeah yeah he just can't tell right and so and so both times we had two girls first in my son but he didn't want to he's really really clever my boy like he's like super clever like you know and um he's he's he didn't want to do all that stuff my daughter scarlet i thought i'll have a boy first i'll train them up to be a ninja any problems right i'll have you know i ain't got to worry because i'm a bit of it was always a worry because you're not asking them what they want to do low he's going to know your age are you also you're enforcing that on them no well i used to come i used to funny enough from your neck of the woods i used to box down the peacock and stuff and try training stuff down there you know for quite a few years and um and so i'd come home and my daughter would go dad put your hands up dad put your hands up and i put my hands up like that until it got to the stage i was going babe i better get the pads out she was hurting the hands like you know i mean she was you know and i trained but then later on i thought yes really good and she was having a bit of egg in school and i said babe don't don't suffer it remember i talked the box in she went to school didn't know her soul and she was getting all this ag and i'm saying you know babe good and then all it done was weren't like a day you'd have a fight and it was all over dan they're coming back when they're older mates and she was like 14 they're coming back with 217 year old she had a fight within the street muskala and another girl and it was like just nuts every week i was like i keep my trainers on ready to run out and try and get her and oh it was honestly i thought i was doing good to learn how to um self-defense but in the end it ended up being your program yeah exactly yeah and i mean she's a lovely girl you know muskala you know she's a lovely girl now and she's completely changed and she's really um you know she's a christian gentle nature and stuff like that but a younger days wow teenage years was like horrific like you know and um would you thank you the christianity see the things 20 always been interesting it yeah always because there's it's like people always look for a weak person to say it but there's a lot on me no no look at tyson fury you won't go up to him and call him a mother christianity would you know exactly yeah it's alright when uh he's he come on that tyson fury i've done he give a message and it was fucking powerful yeah i see that me that was a powerful message mate wow did you see that that was some message man that was yeah and then when you see the other boxer uh click show take the piss out of these uh mental health issues mate that like uh what's his name clicks go but he went you need help you're mad and all that i thought you're a psychologist you just called that boy uh like called that man uh you took the piss out of his mental health here but look who he is is well champion mate because we're all lust who have mental health you know people guys got mental health problem years ago everyone was in bousins you know nearly every one every single person is scared to say they've got something they know they do wrong every day or they've got a trait but they go no one wants to know about it you got me it's hidden isn't it it's very hidden thing like i said in the last podcast my wife uh zoe and uh nancy have come down when we for the day by the way guys and uh they've came and uh and uh and so um yeah she went for it all the depression and stuff like that and she used to say like i said in the last one like mark because i grew up with it my mum used to have depression and basically if my like if my mum cried which it went hard to do because she had depression and stuff bless her i'll let you know you know then i'd be in trouble when me dad when he got home so it kind of turned me you know get me so i think they have much patience when when zoe got it until then i got it myself i ended up me mum died bless her and then i ended up getting depressed for a little while you know lost that business at home everything you know and um and so yeah and so were you whereas you used to say like you know oh have i had a bandage on me arm you know you'd have sympathy for me because it's a mental thing you said like no one seems to really care about it you know what i mean but yeah so it's a real big issue and it's so much more nowadays because so many people have been down the drug group and they've tried all the all the psychic stuff en all that sort of gear we say don't realize what they're doing by doing all that stuff you're inviting in demons yeah so all the mental health stuff can come in or certainly even if you've got a generational curse from your ancestors the doors open a little bit because of that right but then when you open when you get into all this other stuff it fully opens up the door yeah and then all this stuff comes in and then quite often that's where you get depression and different stuff from but but they are just spirits what advice would you have for Tony then just to keep going and push forward yeah you know you know what i said to jane we spoke about and i said to him look you know you know like he's still battles and stuff but i said you know you're doing so well he's come away from what a lot of his family got involved with and stuff and i said because what you've done is you've resisted the devil it says in the bible resist the devil stand firm and he'll flee from you know so when you when you resist him and not give in to them thoughts of violence and doing all the wicked stuff and things you know you shouldn't be doing what happens is it weakens your power at the demons we aren't even getting deliverance it weakens the power and this is what i believe is happening with james is as much as it's still you know we can still battle but the power of of the enemy in his life has been weakened a lot compared to what it would have been because he'd have been out doing violence or whatever himself you know what i mean so that's what i say to you really resist is so easy the devil will sit on your he knows your weaknesses he knows you're better than what you do and he'll sit on your shoulder say look why don't you just just do that then if you don't want to do that that's not that bad and you think yeah you know what that ain't that bad but in the back of your mind you kind of i shouldn't do it and he'll get you to do the little things right it's just like the book thing it's just like oh no for a fact i'm i can sit here it's not bragging terms i'm entitled to know i've got a quality if i was writing that's what i always believe my story is a quality about life they're not about in the johnny one face one ear johnny and all i don't want to talk about all that i just want to talk about the term of it and what the dolomose affects it all causes and it carries on for the next generation that so like a redemption book for me is like something once that's done after all if you if it's done right i can say that's the book i'll go like i'll go it's done like the chapter that'd be powerful that'd be powerful yeah do you follow what i'm trying to say that it's like that will be powerful i don't want it in amazon it just goes yeah redemption yeah i've done 20 years yeah done that's not for me it's got how many lives that that changed so many lives well i'm saying that totally that totally you've got to smell the right name in christianity it's called a testimony so so when i went to church like i was ashamed of who i was and what i've done and stuff like that and i used to be really ashamed to tell people and stuff not that i go broadcasting oh you still this or do that back in the day anyway but what i'm saying is but it becomes your testimony so all the stuff you've done you can reach people that you know like i can talk to i'm here today because of what i've done if i hadn't had my past maybe i wouldn't be here i don't know you know what i mean so it can get used for the greater good in the end for god you know what i mean for god's glory and that's what god does he takes all the broken things and all the things that the devil meant for bad and he turns it for his glory he can use all them things you know so i just think that'd be really good because it'd help a lot of people okay why do you think so many people are scared of like christian in other villages go fuck that shit and that's not for me because it's part of the world that is you know yeah that's part of the world people think you are crazy the devil has conditioned everybody to think like he says in the bible the end days it says good would become bad and bad would become good that's what happened but what so you've got what you said there when i was in full satan yeah not a lot of people went church yeah but like you've got other religions where they're packed they they really love their religion and then i was going to church preachers one on one sessions and never forgot listen there's some good prison officers all these people go that's good prison officers mate let me tell you some good people mate and one of these weren't mate and i was in full satan and it was a real dark time for me getting through the early years of my sentence mate i was just like i'm not a potato and i weren't accepting nothing that i'm doing this time like i look back now for any fact that i'll get through it i don't even know i can't even remember half of it and then in this priest i went to see him and they went on the mic they call you in the case and go oh like i'm taking a piss like over the mic so i've got me biome gone down there i went you fucking i said you wouldn't say that about another religion would you officer because you get your head smacked in wouldn't you i said don't come on that mic but that's what they eat like you shouldn't be saying that like you understand it's like that's the fear everyone has because they go only on the microphone who wants to go to her because you're mugging it so that's that's that's in the world you know we call it the world you know like um this is what happens they've made it uh the devils twisted up everyone's mind you know they've conditioned their minds to a lot of people to think you know like how weak it is to do it it ain't it's a it's a strength thing you know for me to do that and then to say to my family and you know oh yeah i'm a christian they'd be like he's lost the plot you know what i mean and for me to still stay going a lot of people kind of lost respect for me at the time you know i mean they was like oh you know some people you win ran later on you know i mean but it didn't matter because my true friends and stuff and true family would be ones that would say i'm so pleased for kev he's not he's not he's not doing wickedness no more he's not hurting himself anymore because i'm never happy but now all of a sudden i'm happy so that's that a bad thing that's the hard bit kevin you're starting to make changes like when i was doing the cold water stuff in hot mountains people are going people are saying that i was more fucked up than than i was when i was on the gear but then you start changing three four years ago at the same people who are making fucking bad negative vibes towards me sending a lot of hate and negativity are the same ones now asking for help and now doing this stuff that i was doing four five years ago so i'm open to every religion i'm open to other people's beliefs i don't know they're writing wrong answers for which writing for your beliefs are but tony believes but if you're making positive changes i know a lot of people's went through the 12 step program and turned to christ and they're changed their lives to focus their energy on it something positive then do it you're not harming anyone you've got the gift as well tony to make changes to then help change other people's lives so you're definitely i should be doing it i should be doing more of it do you know i mean that's what stops you but you know i mean give yourself a break mate you know i mean i think you know i think i've done the right i've literally been locked up for what 28 years solid last behind the door yeah even from a young age in that and i think do you know what i think and you are i think myself fucking like it's like sometimes i think you ain't giving your you've got to give yourself a chance a bit here mate because see men you come out of nick they think look prison this if you think you're coming out unscathed you you are i've learned you're totally off your head if you think you're coming out because you can sit here you can say you know i've done the bit of burden let me tell you what mate the damage is when you get out it's damaging mate it is it's so damaging lonely done a four like well only a day's too long that's another thing watch this see what you just said yeah i know i know that's because i've seen your fault yeah and people go tony i'm only doing a four mate i'll go four you're doing a long time mate yeah a day's too long in places right but when i say i mean compared to what you've done yourself but even for me after doing that time like my co-defendant um i always talked about him earlier joe joe jackson like you know he's i mean god rest his soul he's dead now but he went he done it with me and all and he was he ended up getting a nine after that then he got a i think a three and a half or something like that after that but he was really strong minded you know but for me it really affected me affecting my confidence when i come out i was a lot more bubbly and talking and you know and i felt that it really i've slowly got better as time's gone on you know but yeah it really i've really felt a difference whereas with him he was just really had a strong wind and it didn't seem to change him but the last one did the last one did but but yeah he was pretty strong when i was getting near to the end i actually thought to myself this is a truth i thought do i really want to get out of that man i think tell no one that i was buzzing to get out i know what everything i thought what he's going to be like wasn't it was nothing going to be like what you fantasise about it was just mad he's scared don't he yeah yeah got none of the none of the old life's there a lot of people passed away gone it's just like you know it's hard to fit in again you understand me it's it's it's hard oh he's going to say that you've got your bag got your yeah i've got my bag from reception i thought and then i've just signed a bit of paper they give me 24 kwid went see you later take care 24 kwid 24 kwid yeah wow yeah i went all right lovely yeah cheers a full as i was walking down a full fuck me ain't they got a salvation band here for me coming out something yeah or they know i'm not a circus coming through for all that lim for time mate i've got in a car shut down mate when are you doing all right i went yeah where do you want to go i went i drove off i thought that's got to be something else oh wow that's got to be more than that is there a realisation at anything that's right it's realisation mate yeah it's realisation that's when it hits you yeah you think you're doing a purpose in there you think you're like you're a soldier and you're doing it and you're like you're you're you're uh you are that's your mission in your life you've done it you're stonk your desk but you know what when you come out mate who's mission you're doing you're doing your own one mate do you understand me it's just all rubbish tone isn't it it's just all nuts isn't it you get caught up in the madness don't you have it on when you look back some of the things are done i think i can't believe i actually done that do you know what i mean i'm like i still can't get me in right all right it's been a lot of change happened to me there and stuff but still you know before i was even properly full he's asked me what was i thinking some of the things i've done you know see it as well kev it's hard for people to realise because obviously you made your own ex disciples you've tried to shoot people you've done a lot of bad shit in your life to then the way you speak about it now it's still even the way when you talk about violence it's still very calming yeah right do you know right i can't see that there's nothing in you i would see that at all that's how mad it is oh well thank you god saying that i would like because i tell you well thank you jesus when you just said make aci pills i thought i'm what yeah because i don't see that in you thank you lord it's gone from you mate do you understand me it won't even hold a little bit of it some of us changed but we're still might go yeah anyway and you could be on the changing path but you still will throw saying in the go like uh yeah i know it's bad back then yeah but uh i part it i've done this and you still think well there's still a lot of that in you still without you even knowing it you can see on that camera that camera don't like it still sees it still sees my torment but my people know me know i was in agony on my first one proper agony i come out and i thought well i thought i don't even remember what happened with james until i watched it i thought well i'll tell you what that was raw but there was so much i wanted to tell him i could have done 17 podcasts with him from the bone to the middle to the end he i rammed it in and sometimes it's like that's just how it is but so is it it has to be what it is because otherwise did he die about the fucking winder james did he get a winder when we're here no i'm sure i thought i never went through my violence sorry to keep you up with it james is like wow it's just and it's not a bragging term it's just like no i know what you're saying yeah i can see it ain't you're not about that yeah i can see yeah it's just it's just hard and then and then it's acceptance by everyone else to leave you alone a little bit it's hard do you understand me so how do you go from here tony what's your plans brother do you know i just oh obviously i'm staying out of uh i'm staying out of prison that's the that's the one that keeps me out i'm doing what uh me license says i do but i've got i think the book's important for me and saying it's got to be important there's got to be some change coming not change because me behavior because my behavior is all right but it's got to be sun never direction there yeah because i'm coming in the times now when i'm i'm not a worry i'm not going to go and flip out and never fight nothing but i'm thinking i'm getting older now and i've got i've got to have something else that's got to be a bit different now yes truthfully yeah not slip no it's not like i'm not going to go back in ag and do things it's just like it's like it's it's not i feel like i need something to give me a like put me in a nice place like a loving little place for a little while let me have some peace do you understand me i don't have anything peace yeah i don't get any peace mate it's just it's not happening yeah i know i'm going to get you somewhere down i know i place exactly where you can get my brain to think and have time to relax yeah reset everything yeah i need it reset mate are you in the same area is what you grew up in and stuff no no that's good yeah you know that's good i think that's going to help isn't it yeah did you did you have a trade or anything like that when you was younger or did you do any any type no i too i'll just want it to be a criminal i don't know i sadden it i'll just like well i was at school and the policeman just came and i go would you want to be a fine and then i'll just i think i want to be a criminal that's how sad that is to be on sure i was the same really i did manage to get work you know for a few years with dinerod you know which i loved i loved when i was younger but apart from that i didn't really have no trade me self really you know what i mean and and that's what i've kind of fell back on there you know i worked in that but i'll just fall this ain't for me i didn't you know i didn't tell what to do in that i was just lazy i didn't want to get out of bed i was puffing all the time i didn't want to get out of bed i didn't want to do nothing you know what i mean so but yeah well you know it's it's like seeing you today i'll take your number today and i think yeah we're going to sing else out of this today i think so yeah i'll believe that i'll really believe that as well yeah you know because you're top class mate i'll tell you i'll bless you you're really and i just saying this because we're on a podcast for james i'm telling you he just said it to you and all you've got to say it about you it's a nice bit of peace you've got me i'll tell you if you were selling it i'll buy a couple of it bottles off i've given it a wait for nothing to be honest i see that in the in the video that i watched as well i can see that you're desperate to change and you don't want to be doing all the stuff you've done you can clearly see that and you're not happy and proud about what you've done you want change and you're remorse you know what i mean so you're this what i said to me wife and nancy as well like i said i can i can see your right you know i think right for christianity do you know what i mean like you're at a point of change or but you know what i mean um dat's where you really get the big change i'll say but um because if you're trying everything and as you don't try everything what will you know what you're going away from to me nothing nothing to lose you know but everything to gain like that podcast is dedicated to your cousin marine thank you thanks honestly means a lot yeah you're also responses from boxing bar which we'll put at the very start of it but for anybody watching to and it's battling themselves you're you're going through the struggle yourself but you know you're going to push through what advice would you go for them what where i am there what advice i'll get him i think you if you if you stop for one minute and you and you don't keep pushing through you're in massive trouble yeah because the stops easier than the pushing through does that make sense yeah that's yeah that's what scares me yeah we're not saying i'm gonna foul but it's like uh it's right round the corner all the time for me at the moment you got me it's there not felt like i'm gonna get myself nicked or anything it's because i've stopped doing it i haven't i'm nothing else is being put in its place i'm just doing it being a normal citizen there i'm your family i'm i've got to have something else it can't be like that that's what i want to do the book and then i think that you ain't that's the one on your shoulder goes oh you ain't doing a book mate you ain't gonna get it right yeah you see that's not and i think you this i'll need a bit of peace here mate you got me you will i'll strongly believe you're doing yeah i'm so i'm sure and i've had great and the nicest thing i've got i was going to shout out can i shout out to everybody i've got to write a list here yeah so these people are great it's like um you know i'll never shout out to no one but these people have helped me then and their true friends he's like Wayne satan there i've got i had to write them down a day because these people they mean a lot to me is uh daniel ellie danie divi uh from westam sandy and titch they're an age uh indian family grew up with them they didn't go down our path they're great people and they're like oh my them people have not talked about because we go oh we come for a poor background they've moved on they do things and it's like john denny earned uh briarclakton from the boys marcus louis steve low nicky claire from what's it called kent phil arron christ uh joe paul tian and yammy quincy dow elfie emily jay and uh from all over all from up north yeah yeah show out to yammy quincy for paul yeah seriously paul still helps me today paul tian and still does talks to me he knows me off do you know what i like him he he's like he won't mind me saying he he's sent me something i was in here go it's still i can see it mate it's still in your eyes mate yeah and i go what he goes yeah you're right i go yeah yeah you can't fool him mate he seems to pain you're in yeah he's therapy for me i've written signs he goes tone you're in pain mate yeah and i am seriously and i ain't scared so what know i ain't scared at the point of camera because i ain't scared to say it because i ain't you know what you're just being honest quite everyone goes for it but but no one admits it this is the thing this is the difference oh yeah what about yourself kev how do we anybody that's struggling you you found peace yourself yeah you know how to get there yeah roger might not be for everyone people might think it's this or that people can have their own beliefs but if you're a man they're sitting just calm as you're like and seems as if nothing can faze you've clearly got the key to something what advice would you give for the people who's maybe going through the battle like i say look you know i won't say christie and it ain't for everyone it's for everyone that's that's what it's for yes but but whether you take it up to another story you know tibsy look at all yeah it's just because it's just boxing look at Tyson fury look at he suffers more he listen that man i admire him he talks it out mate he's a well champion first he was aided then he was light yeah you had people jumping on him because he weren't allowed to suffer like look where he is now you've got gyms he nods you've been they're not weak men mate they're not weak men it's not weak it's like whether i would oh it does that for me i'm not i'm not going to go yeah it might not but i've got to give something a fucking try you know i feel my brain needs to be sponged out a little bit nowhere it soaks up the water needs to be squashed out a little bit not through trouble i'm excited of getting in trouble it's still like i ain't getting in trouble i ain't going back to old ways but it's still just the battles you're going through it's still fucking battles mate so i'm going like well what's happening here are they saying else to come along it's a process that's dammy james it's like it does me it's a process like no we work with quite a few different people you know what i mean and um and um yeah it's a process it don't happen overnight you'll get some peace and then it takes a little bit of time you know but then when you have one moment some days i have one moment like oh this is lovely and you think wow and then no i'll do i think well i shouldn't be turning feeling too happy and then i'll change that mate right exactly and then it'll go on the down now within half hour of being happy laughing thinking oh why am i happy don't you fight the happiness it's crazy if you've got that one yes don't do that yeah feel a million dollars do a bit of press up a bit of pads you think your life's good birds are wasting the tree half hour later that bird's getting on your nerves in the tree i swear in a garden you think i'll go look at it all these years i've been away looking isn't it beautiful then all of a sudden i think the cloud comes over the sun i'm trying to sit in the sun the night of a bird going like making a noise i think oh fuck off leave me you know why did you think like that it's like you know it's about never last yeah you know mean but that would that will it will get better for you you know mean but um i'll never talk i'll never blow smoke up anyone's ass any my powers tell you i'll see you're a straight person and i think like your peace in your face your face is really relaxed and uh your body language is brilliant thank you watch me in your body language now oh look at you and i think like death geesa's got it for me wow yeah i'm jealous it's like you've got saying that i ain't got it's not jealous in an horrible way but no no i know what you're saying but like i say it really is free you know i mean this it really ain't that odd a thing do you want a thing anyone want to die without any peace of mind that's the worst thing to do when you go down that grave exactly why did you live for no peace of mind what was the fucking point you know some people might say right yeah some people might say you know what um yeah like live that lifestyle what do you mean what what getting angry less you know won't never yeah i'm not saying you'll never get angry or never get impatient you do sometimes just just normal but nowhere near what i used to i'm you know much much more happier in them them sort of areas what you're you're telling me that um living a right life not breaking any laws and doing everything you're meant to be doing by the time we die just say for instance there wasn't nothing there i know there is because when you when you get saved people say you know had you know well i know god i know i know jesus the holy spirit because i have a personal relationship with them it's hard for people to understand until they enter into it so so what will happen if there ain't if it ain't real all right well what have i done i've led a good life that's exactly i've had a peaceful life yeah i like that there's no i saw win win you can't you know and if i die and actually there is heaven happy days i mean heaven if not i've still had a nice life and i'll be good but if on the flip side of it if you still live a life of sinning unforgiving stuff like that uh and then you're standing before the lord on judgment yeah you're mate no one else is no one else is going to be there with it is you're going to be between you and god you're going to be like what have i done the fear is going to be the worst fear you've ever felt in your life because you know i'm in trouble yeah that's how i feel sometimes i feel like i've been in trouble if there is that way i think i've done a lot of good which i have i've still trained young kids just for nothing now on the pads i like helping kids got insecure i like fine i always like people who are a bit shy and they've got no confidence that's me i feel for them people because i see it in them yeah i like to help people find that uh power again and they go you used to get me impressed how can you teach me a box and be like at time i go because like sometimes you are needed it yourself i'm only that what i'll give is what i'll waste when it's time to take an arm around just sometimes go everything's going to be all right mate you i've got your back you're going to be good that's so so important what you're doing that because because they're from a young age and stuff as well where they're more open to change and be influenced by someone like yourself who's been through all the different stuff you know it's a really really important row i think and and you can make a real big change to people's lives and you don't won't fully know what difference you've made till like i say we're standing before the lord and we find that uh what what we've done and accomplished in our life you know so yeah i think it's amazing to be working for the youngsters is is great would you like to finish up on anything kev if you don't mind i don't know if this would be okay disruptive not maybe i was going to say would it be okay to get the girls into do we want to do a prayer uh for healing and stuff like that for anyone going for a mental wellness and stuff like that is that right girls we're going to do a prayer result if there's anyone as well including yourselves any afflictions or anything you've got you know that comes to one we can pray and we believe that god is going to heal them as well put your hand on that spot is going to be people cleaning the fire but we were going to be healed delivered and set free aren't they yeah that's that's it yeah i'm ready for that so nancy nancy um we've got prophetess nancy with us today um nancy is a seer yeah as well so nancy can see all mad things she sees in the spirit yeah i like that yeah can you see anything in me then be truthfully really what is it please tell me okay yeah so nancy sees sees she can see angels and she can see demons she can she actually gets to seal that stuff you know um so yeah so yeah so yeah so yeah father god we just call on your holy spirit because lord we can't do it on our own we're just normal people like everyone else here lord so it's only by your holy spirit that people get healed delivered and set free so lord we call upon your holy spirit lord we call upon your fire let your fire fall down right now lord let your fire fall down right now lord on the people watching father we asked um uh any back problems lord we asked that their backs be realigned right now in the name of jesus lord we've asked for any tendents ligaments muscles that is affecting that back uh lord we pray right now for healing we apply the blood of jesus to their spines we ask that their spines be realigned right now their discs be um pulled back into place and he prolapsed this let it come back into place right now in the name of jesus lord and we strengthen all the muscles around that disc to hold it in place father we talk um as my two brothers here said about their hearts lord people with broken hearts lord broken hearts lord lord it says in your word that you lord gather the pieces of them broken hearts and you put them hearts back together lord jesus so we ask right now lord that you do that lord for any fragmented souls broken hearts lord lord collect the pieces right now lord collect the pieces right now lord put them back together with your own two hands lord heal the broken hearts lord give them peace lord anyone's going through any traumas and stuff lord we ask that you be there with them lord they've still got to go through these process of healing uh for losses of loved ones and stuff lord but we ask father god that that you take them through it by your holy spirit that you give them peace and you wrap your arms around them right now lord and let them know that you are there for them lord and you've got them um so father we ask for any other sickness and disease we bind up all the works of the enemy that's bringing sickness and disease to the people under the sound of our voice right now we bind you up your wicked spirits but lord we loose your healing spirit upon them right there your love your joy your peace let it fall upon all the people lord let them feel your presence lord going into the prisons and out into the into the whole country in jesus mighty name we pray thank you jesus we just take all authority over all sickness in the name of jesus yes lord and i really feel right now that someone watching here in the sound of our voice is going to get healed of rheumatoid arthritis right now thank you lord in the name of jesus christ and azeroth but yeah i can see there's uh minds minds being reset by thank you lord in the mighty name of our lord jesus christ and azeroth and guys i'm saying to you anyone who's listening just cry out to jesus yes cry out to ease your healer he will heal you right now like i said put your hand anywhere when you're in pain that you need a healing if you've got a bad ankle anyone with carpal tunnel syndrome put your hand on that spot now we release your healing power jesus right now in the name of jesus so lord i'll just we release brand new mindsets and lord we just speak to any spirits that are tormenting spirits nine spirits spirits we bind you up and spirits of hurt spirits of broken heart we command you go right now in the name of jesus so we just say be healed right now in the mighty name of our lord jesus christ and azeroth and be set free in jesus name and lord the biggest miracle we pray for today or tonight the biggest miracle we're praying for right now lord is people under the sound of our voice lord is for your salvation lord we bind up all spirits of unbelief all anti christ spirits any other spirit is coming against uh you right now lord yeah and uh i'm coming against the salvation but lord we loose your salvation let your salvation fall upon the people lord so that they may feel peace lord than uh what the gentleman has been saying about how i look so peaceful lord it's only because you're in my heart lord so lord i pray let let them feel that lord what i'm feeling right now let them feel that lord the presence of you lord and your holy spirit thank you lord in jesus name we pray there's chains broken thank you lord broken right now yes lord the people being set free right now in the name of jesus so yeah we prophesy that in the mighty name of our lord jesus christ and azeroth after hearing the sound of our voice so you never be the same thank you lord jesus mighty name amen it's prophetist sorry just one last thing it's prophetist nazi is the only thing you want to share that you might see or whatever or i'll just i really i just really feel i can see that uh yeah it's a tiny it's got a great future i can see him with loads of kids really being a great mentor that um skills and really helping children like the next generation amen god's got such an amazing plan i could just i can feel this god's hand on you yes yes come to me come yes he's waiting and he just wants you he wants to take that burden off of you and he wants to take all that stress and he's saying come to me but you need to come to him and he will give you that rest and the peace that you couldn't no matter what you're going through you'll have that peace and it will just take all that anger everything away all that pain all the years that you've been through that torment you just want to take it away from you thank you lord you have to surrender you have to surrender you have to surrender so yes god i'm here help me help me yeah thank you wow check out more of my podcasts on the right and be sure to like share en comment your thoughts on this week's podcast thank you