 Ta-da! It's live streaming time! Live stream! Um, yeah. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. When I say ladies and gentlemen, obviously I mean no one and no one, because there's not actually anyone viewing right now, because I've just literally started streaming right now, and nobody seems to tune in at the right time, even though I send the links out. I'm assuming that just no one wants to watch the stream. That's not going to stop me from making these things. You see, I quite enjoy playing crap games, I guess, and the hope that someone might see. The last stream was banned in, I think, 219 countries. It was banned in 219 countries because of the music that I played in the background, so if I play any music in the background this time, it's going to have some, what's it called, copyright free, whatever, on it. Yeah, someone in the chat has just noticed that I have my live... The live chat is down and on the stream now. I did that so that if people are watching it on a repeat, they can sort of follow along and pretend they're there and make comments if they want to pretend to make comments and then have them ignored. And yeah, so you've got the live chat down there. Also, it will allow you to see how much of a delay is present, because obviously you're typing stuff in, like, now, and in a few seconds' time, that's when you actually see it, so you can see how long the delay is. I mean, if I start counting now, I say 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. It's like a 10-second delay. Yeah, hi Dan's mum. If Dan's mum's watching, then, yeah, that's cool. Right, yes, so I've got a tasty treat for you guys this evening. It's Friday the 13th. Naturally, if you're superstitious, if you believe that things that are not actually possible happen, if you believe that imaginary beings control the universe, which they don't, or if you believe in a flat earth, then maybe you believe that Friday the 13th is a day where bad stuff happens simply because it shares a day and dates number combination with something bad that happened in history. Well, bad if you were a Templar or a Cathar or whoever it was. Do some reading up about the history. I can't be bothered to go into it right now. But it's Friday the 13th, and so I thought today we could have a sort of a horror special. We've got a horror special today. I went on Steam and I searched for games that were free to play and had the tag horror in them and were single player. And then I organised the list by user review and I inverted the list and I went to the end of the list. So the ones with the lowest user rating. And I had a quick look and saw there was a racing game on there. It was a massively multiplayer online racing game, which obviously fulfils none of the criteria that I'd specified. But whatever, I just filtered that one out. So I have a selection of games for you. Gasp, G-A-S-P, which is your alone on the moon or something like that. And what a scary prospect that could be. Of course, if you believe the earth's flat, then you believe that either it's not possible to go to the moon or the moon doesn't exist. So if you're a flat earth, you might not get as much out of that as other people. And I have Clown House. Now, Clown House, when I saw Clown House, I thought, oh, brilliant. It's a game based on popular 1980s video nasty. Clown House, which is a tremendous movie. If you think that shit horror films are good, you will like Clown House. So I recommend watching that. But unfortunately, it's not based on the 80s movie Clown House. It appears to just be some weird black-and-white pseudo adventure game thing. So there's Clown House. There's a game called Bloodwood Reload, which is supposedly set in an Eastern European village where the trees are turning red. So yeah, it's set in Dubrovnik in the autumn or something like that. So there's that. There's Bloodwood Reload. We'll see what that's all about. And there's another game which wasn't actually in my list of free-to-play games that I got today. This was a game that someone gifted to me in order to do a, hey, here's a crap game stream. It's called Red Lake. And Red Lake, I wanted to stream it a few weeks ago, but I couldn't get it to capture no matter what I tried. But I've been messing around with the video capture software, and I appear to have maybe solved that problem. So we shall see if I can get that game working. It's another Eastern European game, complete with Eastern European voiceover. And when I say that, I don't mean someone speaking Russian. I mean a Russian guy speaking English with a really, really thick accent. So you've got that to look forward to. I'm drinking out of this cup. You can see it's got a K on it. It's a small K on that side, lowercase K. But on this side, it's a capital K. So depending on how, maybe this could be the rating system. If I think the game's good, capital K. If I think the game's bad, not so good. Or maybe I'll just drink out of it and see what happens. You're probably going to see the small K most of the time, because I'm right-handed. So I'm going to pick it up with my right hand. But maybe time is going to pick it up with my left hand. But if I pick it up with my left hand, I don't pick it up by the handle. So there's that. Right, there appears to be 10 people watching the stream. That's not a bad turnout. I think that's more people than sit through Tory party political broadcasts. Which are apparently a thing again now. If you thought that they stopped being a thing back in the 90s, no, they're now a thing with Theresa May popping up and saying, don't worry guys, we've got a Brexit plan, honest. But yeah, so whatever's that. Good. Right, so you can see your live chat down there. So if you ask a question and I don't respond immediately, obviously if it hasn't appeared down there in the bottom left corner, I won't have seen it yet. So welcome to everyone that's in the stream. I can see a lot of people I know. It's Andy, Lorcan. Is that Adam there? Maybe. There's Debs. There's Emma. Welcome one. Welcome all. Feel free to spread the word. Fling the link out to whoever might be interested in watching it. Or chasing those people who decide that it's not worth watching. But without further ado, because I've just talked literally for, oh, hello Laura as well. Laura's there. She's behind Lorcan, but she's not actually logged on. So hello to Laura. Shout outs to all of you guys. You guys are like the Thunder Wolf OG crew. You guys can have like free keys for Uriel's Chasm 2, of which I have about three left. So rock and or roll. Without further ado, let's crack on. Hi Luke. Luke's just arrived. So let's crack on with Gasp. I assume it's pronounced Gasp and it's not G-A-S-P, which is some stupid acronym standing for, what would that stand for? Garrulous arseholes speak piss. If you can think of, why not, if you think that G-A-S-P could be something, why not write it in the chat and see what it, see what it might stand for. And then maybe I'll give a free Uriel's Chasm key to the one that makes me laugh the most. Okay. So, yeah, so Senpai noticed me. I've just seen someone write that. I have no idea who Titan is. So shout out to Titan. I don't know your real name. Is it Batman? Could be Batman. And hello Osma there. Gasly apparitions suck penis. Yes. Maybe that's what it is. Well, you never know. Genestal afteree serious prolapse is a good one. Now, you never know. It might be a good game. It might just be, you know, downvoted by idiots on Steam. You know, maybe flat earthers went on there and said, this game's bollocks because you can't go to the moon. It had something like 190 odd reviews which said it was crap. So 190 people can't be wrong. Let's find out. This is gasp. Here we go. Fingers crossed this will work. Graphics quality set to high. Let us play. Dark day interactive. 2014, so it's two years ago. Scary. There's some weird sort of flickering textures there. Oh, I think that's supposed to be a film grain effect. Is that supposed to be a film grain effect? I have no idea. So we've got a bunch of low res text. Start the game. Can you survive? Credits who made this? Controls how to play. Follow us. Support the devs. Support the devs unless I think they are actually worth supporting. First of all, let's go to controls. Hopefully I can invert the mouse. No, I can't actually change any of the controls here. All I can do literally is read the text. So we've got WASD to move. I've got right mouse button to zoom, space to jump, escape to pause. I have this horrible feeling that the mouse controls are not going to be inverted. I'm going to flail around like an idiot. We'll look at the credits afterwards. Without further ado, start the game. Can you survive? Oh, it's got DLC. DLC implies that there was enough people that enjoyed the game that they thought that people would pay extra to visit Mars. I assume the Mars map is probably just the moon map with a red texture over the top of it. So here we go. Moon, start the game. I mean, it looks all right at the moment. It's not the most incredible graphics, like standard looking unit engine. Warning, this game is not designed to hold your hand once you die, then you die. Hello? Hello? Respond. Are you okay? Yep, I'm fine. Hello? Respond. I just said I'm fine. Look, it seems communications are down on your end, but we can see you are receiving us just fine. I guess for now I'll guide you to the other team members. It seems your capsule crash landed miles from the LZ. You need to meet up with the others before your O2 runs low. Oh, what the hell was that? I saw the GPS signal on the other members. It's got smacked in the face. It seems to be showing five unknown signals. There must be a glitch in your visor. We're unsure which is the right signal. You're going to have to choose one. I just got hit from behind by something. It's blood everywhere. That's what it's like when you jump on the moon. Have you noticed the mouse cursor is here on the screen? What is shooting me? What is going on here? Good luck, sir. We're all praying for you. I didn't actually hear a damn word she said because I was being pelted in the face by giant rocks. I assume Marco and the Free Navy are here by launching rocks at me. That's an expanse reference. If you haven't read that book, then you should get on and read it. Oh, for God's sake. I can jump. There's a crater there. I guess we should head towards these unknown signals. Can I run? Oh, that zooms in. Wow, zoom in there. Warning. How do I avoid these things? It doesn't seem to... Do you think this happened to Neil Armstrong? What the hell was that? Something blocked out. Where is the sun in all of this? I was there. I'm pretty sure the sun would be brighter than that if I was staring directly at it. Maybe I've got one of those gold visor things down, I don't know. So yeah, obviously this game's bullshit because the moon doesn't exist and you could never possibly walk on it. Shout out to Keenan who's just appeared in the chat. Hello, Keenan. Down here. There's an unknown signal down there which appears to be one and a half kilometers away. That's going to take a long time. Can I bunny hop my way down here? The light keeps cutting out for some reason. Oh, there's a giant... Where? My oxygen levels are down to 78%. I can't actually tell if the rocks hit me. There doesn't seem to be a health thing that's just oxygen. And where do they go? It just disappeared through the floor. I guess keep moving. Marco can't hit me with the... Oh, of course! Of course! That was physics in action right there. You know, a giant rock hits the surface of the moon, it waits there, and then slowly rises up before totally disappearing. I can't actually jump up this ledge now. Oh, come on, Neil. Oh God, there's a giant crater. Right, there's only one kilometer down there now. I hope there's more to this game than just walking along this tedious landscape while being pelted by giant rocks that come from nowhere. But the pessimist in me says that there is no more to this game than walking along this boring landscape while being pelted by giant rocks that come out from nowhere. So, yeah. If anyone's got any suggestions on what I should be doing, I'm heading for this unknown signal here. Can you guys see the mouse cursor? Can you see the mouse cursor? I'm heading for this unknown signal over here, which is like... Ah, wait! I might be able to configure my mouse in the options here. What have we got? Settings. Soft vegetation. Is there much vegetation on the moon? Pixel light. I can't actually change any of this stuff. There just seems to be a bunch of presets. System. No, that just tells me information. What the hell's this? Of course, the blank button. That does nothing. So, okay, let's continue. Right, so it's perma-death. So, obviously, we've got... The stakes are really high here. I think the challenge lies in whether you end up killing yourself from boredom before your character dies in-game. There's no run key. This is the fastest I can move, literally, as a giant rock. I wonder if... I wonder if the people that made this game have ever experienced physics or even heard that physics is a thing. It doesn't feel like they have. We're getting closer, though, guys. Look at that. They're 735 meters. There better be something good at this unknown signal. I feel like these rocks are fairly inconsequential. It doesn't really feel like much is... much is happening here. Has anyone ever had this much fun in their lives? Think back to the days when you were maybe revising for A-levels or writing your final year degree thesis or standing in line at the job centre. Was that more fun than this or was that less fun than this? This is like... If you imagine Skyrim in a total pre-alpha state with literally nothing to do, I think that would still be light years ahead of this tedious experience. Remember, if you run out of things to do on the moon, there's Mars DLC. You can buy DLC and you can go to Mars. If you think that... maybe you've had fun on the moon but maybe you've done everything that the moon really has to offer, so you think maybe Mars is better. We're getting close to this unknown signal now. Anyone as excited as me? The fun just never ends. Anyone get emotion sickness from the viewpoint? Sorry, it wouldn't be less fun. It would be fewer fun. 234 metres. I can't actually see anything there. My oxygen levels are at 71%. About a thousand years ago they were at 78%. I don't think I've got any real danger of running out of oxygen at any time soon. I am rapidly running out of the will to live. That doesn't appear on the hood because that's a real life thing. I'm guessing if you die in real life, you die in the game, maybe? Right, 58 metres to go. Presumably I've just been hit by another giant space rock. Another giant inconsequential space rock. What is this? We found something. What's this? I can't do anything with this. Well, that was a waste of time, wasn't it? Maybe I guess check out the next closest unknown signal? Is anyone scared? For those of you just tuning in, this is Gasp, the story of Lunar Boredom on an apocalyptic scale. The storyline is something along the lines of you're on the moon and the physics of the universe have stopped working. Because you want a relatively swift death, you want to try and bore yourself stupid in the hope that you'll die. It's listed as horror. It's kind of horrifying in the sense that this is actually something that someone spent time creating and thought that other people would enjoy doing. I think another thing that makes it sort of horrifying is the fact that this is really awful. Now, I often start projects. I start projects with the greatest of intentions and it reaches a point where I never, ever finish anything that I start. I come up with game ideas and I start making games and some way into it, I just sort of abandon it and I think I can't do it. There's no point in doing this because it's going to suck. I have little faith in my ability to finish a project. It makes me sad to think that if I had carried the project that I wouldn't even need to finish a project, what I could do is just take something completely unfinished and broken and put it on steam because that appears to be what these people have done. Oh, there's the sun. Wait, right. Oh, God, I'm still one and a half kilometers away, really? Dricking. Yeah, pipes from Ghostwatch was way scarier than this. Have you seen that? There was that movie. What was it called? Was it called Apollo 18? Is that what it was called? About the space spiders on the moon? It was really bad. It was an all right concept, but it was one of those crap found footage things which had been done to death. But it was still better than this. Let's try and come up with a list of things that are more enjoyable than this. One of the things that I find more enjoyable than this is you know when you're chewing on a paperclip or something and you accidentally jab it through your gum and then your gum starts bleeding and then it swells up a bit and then for the next couple of weeks there's like a little scab on your gum and you keep like tongue in it and hope that it will go away, but it never does. That's more enjoyable than this. I think punching yourself in the dick is more enjoyable than this. Anyone else got any suggestions about things that are more enjoyable than gasp? I think watching someone else play this game is probably more fun because at least you can kick back and you can put your feet up. I'm having to hold down the W key. You know? I suppose I could see if I can bring something up here. If I put my... The cup hasn't quite got enough weight for me to put down on the W key and then... Oh wait, I've got a... Oh shite. I've got a tape measure here. Still... Ah, there we go. Look! Hands free! Hands free. Look mum. No hands. I'm on the moon. I'm on the moon. I'm bouncing around on the moon. I'm not doing anything. Why have I stopped though? Are you kidding me? I've hit an invisible wall. This is like literally the end of the map. Now, the unknown signal is beyond the end of the map. I can't go any further. Why can't I go... Why can't I go past this invisible wall? I bet I can clip through this. Oh god. Let's see if I can hop across to this. No, I can't jump up. Oh no, you just sort of like descend immediately to the floor. This invisible wall again. I can't get past that. Well, you know normally when I give an analysis of these sorts of things Hello Toby, just joining us. This is Gasp, one of the probably the shittest space exploration game I've ever played. No, it's another invisible wall. You know normally when I kind of analyse these games and try and see them from the perspective of the people that made them. Because I mean, remember Kimulator? A few weeks ago there was Kimulator that I reviewed. It was really, really bad. But it was made by some Canadian college student presumably as a school project and then he decided to polish it up and then stick it on steam or whatever. I guess, you know, whatever. It was a bit, it was crap. You know, it wasn't good. It was crap, but you could at least see what he was going for there and you could kind of forgive him because he was obviously a bit special. There was also Uriel's Chasm. Uriel's Chasm, the Bible inspired bullet hell shooter which was just, that was rubbish as well. But it wasn't actually, it did keep me going. It gave me a sense of achievement to the point where I wanted to actually carry on going. This, on the other hand, has been shit from start to finish. There's no redeeming features about it. There's nothing good about this game. You know, I mean, we've got this crap- I mean, look at the light sourcing there. If I look up there, it's a full bright and then as soon as I do that, boom, we're in shadow. It's some crap generic bunk map texture which has probably just been bought from the Asset Store or ripped out of Google Earth Moon Edition or something like that. We've got rocks that fall from the sky and don't adhere to any physical laws whatsoever. The objective of the game is to reach these unknown signals which seem to have just random objects on there which you can't interact with and the signals that you need to get to are blocked by invisible walls so the game's like, it's uncompletable. And the mouse cursor stays on the damn screen. So I really don't have anything good to say about this game and if it pleases you guys then I shall halt here and we can move on to the next game in our wonderful horror smorgasbord, our smorgasbord of horror tonight. So I'm down to 57% oxygen. If I stand here long enough, do you reckon the things will kill me? Morning? Yeah, come on. I'm here! Do it! Come on! Kill me! Here it comes. Here it comes. Oh, what? It broke up? What? Yes. Right in my face. Come on, right in my face. Do it! Do it! These asteroids are just blowing up before they even get close to me. Okay, right. I've had enough. I've had all of that that I can take. So let's quit that game. That's it. That's the end. That's the end of that. So yeah, that was Gasp. And that was a really unenjoyable, boring experience. I hope it was more exciting for you guys watching than it was for me playing. So I would say don't buy it, but it's free. So don't buy it. Now then, the next game on our list is this one called Clown House. Now let me read the description of Clown House to you. Let me find, where are we? Clown House, Clown House, Clown House. Let's go to the store page. Right, here's the description of Clown House. Freeware horror game with the Mison Sen of an old black-and-white film and unique horror experience. Now they straight out say this is freeware. I don't think they're really expecting it to be good. I don't know. But apparently they're making a Clown House too. So yeah. One review says it's so boring, just one level, it takes you two fucking minutes. So that sounds, I don't know, but after that two minutes of just one level sounds pretty fun. So if we're up for some Clown Noir. Here we go. Let's do Clown House. Graphics quality goes all the way up to fantastic on this one. So I'll set that to fantastic. Input, nope, doesn't seem... I can't invert the mouse. Okay, whatever. Let's just play Aslan Game Studio. Good. Right. What the hell? Is that Turkish? What flag is that? There's loads of flags with a sun and a star. Is that Turkish? Or British? Is there a British language? English I suppose is going to be the other thing. Okay, Turkish. Let's go for it. Here we go. Pal vasko evi. Anya ya pinki ayala o sikis. I don't know what that means. Now I'm guessing that's quit. What's this? This must be options. Yes. Mouse hashasasiyeti. It's probably mouse sensitivity. Let's leave that. What was that on? Two points something. We've got bloom. We've got noise contrast. All of this. All wonderful. Yeah, mouse sensitivity. I see the Turkish word for bloom is bloom. And the Turkish word for SS Ambient Occlusion is, of course, SS Ambient Occlusion. So let's just Gary out of there. Ya pinki. Oh, the credits. Oh, we didn't look at the credits for the other game. And you know what? I don't care. I don't care who made it. They were obviously twats. So Ahmed Kamil Keles and Serdar Attali. Obviously, there's only a few people that have done this. It's probably a labor of love. It's probably got bad reviews because people are expecting some sort of AAA experience and they're not getting it. I'm willing to give this game the benefit of the doubt. There's Facebook and Twitter links, but I'm not going to click those because who cares about that? OK, right. Oyna. Let's do it. Ikel hasso. Whatever that means. I believe that means you're in a house and the rods in your eyes are broken. So all you can do is sense differences in light and not differences in hue. So what you need to do is go through a house and look out for clowns. Welcome to the house of clowns. OK, here we are. That's probably a clue. See, I think playing it in Turkish is probably like hard mode or something. Are there any? Oh, I can't invert the mouse. I wonder what happens if I... Oh, look at that. Don't disturb our loneliness. OK, let's switch it back to that. Let's play it with... OK. All right, mate. Everything... Oh, look. You can see inside his head. OK, that was kind of cool. Oh, I've got a gun. I feel bad that I killed that clown now. Although he has got a knife. But he wasn't really using it threateningly. I'm not sure how I should feel right now. I feel a little bit sick in the stomach. I'm not really happy with myself as this guy. He's got a massive knife as well. I'm going to leave him though. He just seems to be minding his own business. I've got cigars. Cigars? What's that? What was the key there? Can I pick that up? I've got a key. I can't talk to this clown. I can look into the clock. I have to say the collision detection in this game is beyond incredible. He looks all right though, doesn't he? All right, mate. Are you... OK? That was genuinely terrifying. That actually scared me. I know it was a cheap jump scare, but Christ. No, I didn't like that. I don't know what the hell happened there. OK, yeah. So, plus one thumbs up there. In fact, let's... here we go. Yeah, for jump scares. Maybe I should offer a warning. This stream may contain jump scares. If you don't like that, go back in time. I didn't realise that was actually going to happen. I'm sorry. Allum gullum saen bie user sahib. I assume that means please wipe the seat if you piss on it. I don't know what that says. I'm back here. Did that mean you shot that clown in the head and he was just minding his own business? You fucked up. Do it again. Do you reckon that's what that just said? I tell you what, there's a key here. Let's pick up that key. I've got the key now. Go over here. Is that going to do that? Warning, jump scare imminent. No, it didn't happen. It didn't happen that time. Do you know what? I'm going to switch to English just so I can kind of see what the hell is actually going right. I get that. Right, let's go and get that key. Oh, I've got that key. Sun is deceptive. Does that mean? I appear to be wearing some sort of fucking minors helmet or something. That has a smiling face. Can't pick up any of this stuff. Oh, there's the key. No, that's a chess piece. Oh, the key's there. So is the object the game just to find this key and then go to the door? Oh, God, I didn't read it. Let's go back to that key. Shoot the glowing transformer. Right, you are free now. They are not. Play again for random key location and clown behavior. Oh, that is literally it. That's all there is in the game. So the random clown behavior is they either sit there doing nothing or they play the generic jump scare sound and then start moving towards you. We finished the game. That's it. It was literally two minutes. That wasn't too bad. Was that bad? No, that was kind of all right, wasn't it? I mean, it was... Okay, yeah, whatever. Let's go in and let's just be the clown cleaner. Hey, yo, I'm my name's Harvey Keitel and I'm here to wipe the floor with you clowns. Are you talking to me? Yeah, how you like that? How you like that? How you like me now, bitch? Yeah, where's that other clown? Look at him sitting there wearing his fucking... Is that a fedora or a trilby? Oh, I don't care. I'm going to shoot him in the damn head. And you? Oh, what the hell? I am one of them now. That means I need to paint my face white. I need to sit there holding an eye from rock backwards and forwards. That's it. I think that's the better ending. I think that's the better ending. So that was that. That was Clown House, free gamers. Obviously something that this guy and his mate knocked up. And to be honest, it's not that bad. Yeah, I mean it's not. It's nothing to write home about. Oh, hang on. Someone's just rung the doorbell. I'll be back in just a sec. Right, I'm back. Someone's just moved in next door and they needed to have some coffee. And so this begins the old gold blend romance tale. No, not really. Someone's moved in next door and they're putting a bed together or something. And they haven't got a spanner. So they asked if I was a spanner. I said, no, I'm not. But I gave them an adjustable wrench. Okay, so I just seen that. I'm scared if he comes back in full clown gear. I would love to do that. And I really apologize for that. So as I was saying, the game itself, it's not that bad. It's got an all right atmosphere. That jump scare. That was genuinely scary even though it's a sort of cheap shot. It's random key location every time you play it. So, you know, it's literally minutes of fun, minutes of fun. So that was that. That was Clown House. Better than what's it called? I can't even remember what the other game was called. BoredomOnTheMoon.com Yeah, Insane Clown Posse. There was that. I recorded a folk acoustic cover of the Insane Clown Posse song Miracles. It's somewhere on my YouTube videos. If you're a juggalo, a fan of the Insane Clown Posse, kill yourself. But if you're not a fan of ICP and you'd like to see a humorous rendition of one of their songs, then you can check that out. So that's two games in our Ultimate Horror Showdown. That's two games done. So that was Clown House. Which, to be honest, wasn't too bad. So we've had one totally shit game and one alright game. It's free, you know, and it's like a couple of minutes of your life. You don't need to play it because you've basically just seen the entire game. Now, the next one on the list is Gay is Bloodwood. Bloodwood Reload it's called. So the description of Bloodwood Reload. Let me find it. Where's Bloodwood Reload on my list? Let's go to the store page. It's accidentally playing the thing there. We don't want that. Bloodwood Reload. It says, in a small village in Central Europe. Oh, I thought it was Eastern Europe. In a small village in Central Europe, something is happening. The forest growing around has something different. Its wood is red colour, unique in the world. So I think the way that was intended to be read was something like, in a small village in Central Europe, something is happening. The forest growing around has something different. Its wood is red colour, unique in the world. So that's the description of the game. Let's... So there's a review here, glowing review. Worst I've played for now, says Antelope Lim. If you don't like talking with other humans, then this game is for you, because the townspeople won't even want to give a shit about you when you try to find out what are you going to do. I can't even leave the village to discover the forest. I don't know whether he's talking about real life or the game. I tried, this is a review from Kristen. I tried and completely failed. The controls are so floppy I can barely click on anything. Everyone I speak to is busy and doesn't care that I want to know what to do. I'm blindingly going into this thing so I picked up a crowbar and stare at some hay and unopenable doors. Probably needs some guidance in there somewhere. I felt completely lost and I really wasn't intrigued, just frustrated. So this sounds like a pretty awesome game. Oh, there is a positive review here though. Alone Underscore Janney says, Not too bad, sure seems unfinished, but not too long to be really boring. And he played for 2.7 hours. I don't think we're going to clock up that much time, but you know, someone else, Goat of Mendy's, spelt Mendy's wrong. Now on my first attempt to play Bloodwood Reload I nearly threw, as in, you know, T-H-R-O-U-G-H, my controller out of the window in frustration and vowed never to play this game again. I relented, however, and after reading the first point of the walkthrough posted elsewhere on this page a couple of days later and a couple of gins less, I gave it another go and I'm glad I did. You see my problem with, oh god this goes on for ages, my problem with Bloodwood Reload was not the frankly awful English translation, oh brilliant there's an English translation which is bad, can't wait to read that. All the many bugs and glitches, it was for the simple fact that I had no idea what in Hades I was supposed to be doing. Lack of direction is my only major groan against this game as I really enjoyed the story, even as cliched as it is, an atmosphere and would recommend it to any fan of creepy occult horror. As I touched on above there are a few issues bug-wise but nothing for me game-breaking. One question I do have for the developer is why does Esther at the inn have the posture of and swing her arms like a bored chimp? This made me giggle like a demented hyena. I like the animal similes he's throwing in here. This made me giggle like a demented hyena at the first time I spotted it. Overall I enjoyed Bloodwood Reload and I think that with a bit of spit and polish and a new translator it could be a fine game. Sadly this appears not to be on the cards as the promise patch has been cancelled but hey ho, it doesn't cost a bean so give it a whirl. So in the end I leave Bloodwood Reload with a simian arm swinging. Another animal metaphor there. So mostly, I am kind of itching to see Esther right now. She sounds like my kind of gal. So right, here we go. This is Bloodwood Reload. Bloodwood Reload, let's go. Oh, I can set the graphics quality again. All of these games are obviously just like Unity games. They've been knocked up in Unity. They all use the same thing. They've all got pretty much the same setup in their faces. There's slightly more controls on this. It's WSAD again. It looks like Toggle Cursor. Let's put a key to toggle the cursor. Let's have the Enter key. Flash hotspots is Tab. End cutscene, I don't care about that. Submit, what that means. Cancel is escaped. Toggle inventory is I. Jump is spaced. Run is left. Shift, okay. Right, here we go. Made with Unity, Personal Edition. You know it's good when they haven't even paid for the game engine. Now here we go. Nuevo juego. Cargar. Optiones. Salir. Okay, so optiones. Musica. Sfix. Raton. Idiomas. Italiano. English. I think we'll start off with English here. Let's go back. Once we get into the game, maybe we can upgrade to Italian or something like that. Okay, so we've got new game, load game options. I've been to the options, that's literally all there is. Without further ado, let's start a new game. In a small village in central Europe, something is happening as the forest growing around. It contains something very different. Its wood is coloured red and is unique within the world. This fact has not passed unnoticed by the world's largest logging company, the Whitewood Company. You are one of their best men and they don't hesitate to send you to take over the exploitation rights. As you reach the village, a chill runs down your back. Your intuition tells you that this will not be easy and your intuition is something that has so far never failed you. Continue. Cool, okay, WSAD, camera movement. To combine objects, you must click in the first object. The cursor changes and now you can combine with the right object. Excellent. Escape, jump, good, right. Good, okay. Now, as you're probably aware, obviously there's things to find, there's objects to look for and there's places to go in this. Usually when I stream these games, I end up being completely blind and not spotting the things that I need to actually find. So if I'm being an idiot, just tell me where the glowing transformer is or whatever. And yeah. Right, here we go. Let's continue loading. Blood, wood, reload. Oh God. Right, I need to adjust that sensitivity. Options, mouse. Take that down there. Oh God, it's still horrible. That's as good as it's going to get, I'm afraid. Okay. I like those white, the white beading around there. That's totally amazing. Streetlight. The streetlight is full of bugs. That's like in, what's it called? 2010, isn't it? Where he says it's full of stars. It's full of bugs. Black raven in. I should also point out that I haven't been able to invert the mouse. So if I'm walking around like a crippled spaz, it's because I can't actually do non-inverted controls. Oh. Use beer barrel. It will not move and it is sealed. Maybe I can open it with something. Yeah, maybe. I like the way my character is called Frank as well. It makes me sound like a special uncle. Enter. I appear to have some sort of momentum. I just press the key to walk forward a little bit. Oh, is that Esther? Oh, what a disappointment. Oh, man. She looks like Dillinger from Tron. Talk to Esther. Hello. Hello. Hello, stranger. My name is Frank Bates. I've reserved a room at this inn. Hello, Frank Bates. My name is Esther. Mrs. Esther. Why have you come here to our village? I have to go now. Thanks. Bye. No, actually, let's go back and let's do that conversation again. Hello. Hello, stranger. I'm not a stranger. You know who I am. I just told you. God damn it. I've reserved a room at this inn. Hello, Frank Bates. Sorry, we've been through that. I'm an expert in forestry. Interesting. Which trees would you be interested in? Maybe the red ones that are freaking everyone out? My company is very interested in the red trees around the village. We would like to take over the development rights. Who is the village mayor? Village mayor? We don't have a mayor. The person in charge of this village is the parish priest. You'll find him near the church. Your room is upstairs. But if I were you, I'd leave this village very soon. There's something strange happening here in this village. Sorry, I can't talk like that. There's a very ancient legend that haunts this place. You can try and talk with Travis the farmer. Where'd they get these names from, man? Maybe you can tell you more about the legend. Good luck. Here is your key. Thank you. Look at the size of that floating key. Metal plates. Fucking metal plates. That's that disturbed song, isn't it? Plates on your ass, bitch. Plates on your ass. Well, here I go. I'm dropping plates. I'm dropping plates. Let's pick up a goblet. This goblet can be useful. I'll take it. Maybe there's a fountain somewhere here. I'm sure Esther won't mind you just stealing her things. I'll use the key. Here we go. I'll need a basin of fresh water tomorrow. Why are you going to do with it, Frank? When is this game set as well? I can't tell if it's like... Is Central Europe just like this? Is this what it's like in Central Europe? Things can't be that bad, surely. Although this is what Britain's going to be like after Brexit. Matchbox. Let's take that matchbox. Who does not carry matches in your pocket? Well, there's many people that don't carry matches in my pocket, mate. Holy Bible. I'm not going to use the bed right now. Door. Where does that go? This door seems like it's been closed for a century. And why? Who am I to change it right now? You know... Stove? Is that a crowbar? No, I can't actually pick that up. Oil lamp. Give me the oil lamp. I need something like... I've got to match this. I'll use matches. I don't actually need that yet. Can I use the bed? It seems to be a rather uncomfortable bed. No. What? It's hardly the travel lodge, is it? So there's one room at the end. This isn't really the most efficient use of space in this inn, is it? What the hell's going on? That's it. It's bugged out. It's constantly moving forward and I can't stop it. What's it doing? Stop it! Well, that was an interesting experience, wasn't it? Right, okay, let's exit this hellhole. Okay. Where are we going now then? Are we going there? You know what's really annoying about this mouse? It's more sensitive on the X axis... No, it's more sensitive on the... No, it's got some crap acceleration on it or something. Except the acceleration's inverted. So the faster I move the mouse, the slower the thing moves. If I move the mouse really slowly, it moves it loads. Who the hell sets their game up that way? That doesn't make any sense. Here's me walking around like an idiot. Lever. Use lever. I'll take it, you never know. It might be useful. It's not a lever, is it? That's a crowbar. It's not a lever. I suppose it could be used as a lever, but the name of that object is crowbar. It's very misty round here, isn't it? What the hell was that? I think that's supposed to be a cutscene. Did that guy just like... get up off the floor or something? Yo mate, wait. Can I get up there? No, there's an invisible wall there. Do you reckon he's the pastor? Priest, yeah, there we go. Good, talk to priest. I'm busy. Busy doing what? Agent 47? What, are you waiting for a hit or something? You don't look busy. I'm busy. I'm guessing that's what all the people were saying. Don't bother talking to the townspeople. I can't enter that because it's locked. Talk to this guy again, maybe now. You're such a liar. You bald-headed liar. Bald-faced liar. Can't go in there. The atmosphere is not too bad, I guess. It doesn't really feel that scary or oppressive at the moment. It just feels like I'm walking around this dank little suburb. I mean... I've been to worse places. This is not as bad as Hinckley. I'd love a map. An auto-map or something. Have I been there? Did I come that way? I don't know. Let's go down here. Right. Oh, who's this guy? Oh, it's Travis. Let me working. You're not working, though, are you, Travis? Because A, it's the middle of the fucking night and B, you're just standing there. You're not even holding your pitchfork. Let me working. What does that even mean? What does it mean? Right, okay. Well, that's Travis in case we ever need him. Which probably won't. What's this here? Interact with. Comrade Travel. Welcome, Level Up Team, whoever you may be. This is Bloodwood Reload. Which is at the moment really pretty awful. Ooh, I found a stone. I'm gonna pick up...use stone. Stone could be useful. I'll take it. That is said nobody ever. You know, oh, I found a useful stone. What's this over here? How do I bring up my inventory? I, so what have I got at the moment? I've got business card, sample pot. Oh, I assume that's for the trees. That's not like for me to piss in. In room key, I've got a glass, matchbox, oil lamp. Can I use the matchbox and the oil lamp? It does seem to work. Thanks, Frank. Has that made any... Does it mean that doesn't seem to work? Or what? I don't know. Let's get rid of the inventory. I don't want to go into the forest. I must go to town. Okay, whatever. Let's just go back to town. So I can't go to the forest yet. There's obviously something else I need to do in town. I need to let Travis working. And I can't speak to the priest because he's like, you know, staking out a drug bust or something. Good, right, here we go. Let's, no, nothing there. Did I go around this way? Everything looks the same and I have no idea where I've been. Oh, that guy just appeared from nowhere, didn't he? I don't think I can go up these ladders. No, I can't go up those ladders. Right, Street lights. The street light is still full of bugs. It's not the only thing that's full of bugs, is it? Can't go in there. Good. If anyone has spotted a place to go, Glowing Transformer or whatever, feel free to shout it out. Um, uh, I guess I could go back and talk to Esther. Wait, beer barrel. Oh! Use glass on me. First, I need to open the barrel. Oh, right, this is, here we go, yes! What is that inside? That looks like Play-Doh or something. What does that mean? Well, already almost open. That's it, the glass is full. Good, I've got a glass of beer. Do you reckon, do you reckon Travis might like a glass of beer? I mean, I know it's a bit of a stretch, but let's, should we go and see if he wants a glass of beer? Let's check it out. Right, okay, Travis, don't have the option to. Right, I've got a, do you reckon the priest might want some beer? So there appears to be like three people in this town. There's Travis, there's the priest, and there's Esther, or Mrs. Esther, I should say. No, he's busy still, allegedly. Doesn't look very busy to me, but who am I to judge? So I've got a cup of beer. I guess let's go back and talk to Esther wherever she was. That's where I started, I don't think I'll go back that way anyway. Can I go in here? No. Is that an outhouse? No. Right, good, okay, so let's go back and talk to Mrs. Esther. Of course, because there's only ever one door that you can use to get into a place. Drink the beer, get rat assed, and forget the whole damn thing. I would that I could, but unfortunately it doesn't look like I can actually do that. Well, trying to put the beer in the oil lamp it says it does seem to work. I assume that means it doesn't work. Let's get rid of that. All right, hello Esther. Let me work, please. What are you doing? What work is there for you to do? I'm literally the only customer you've seen in a thousand years. Okay. She does not avert his gaze from the bottles. Good. You've got a pretty wide gaze. If she's looking at all that plate. There's nothing to do there. I can't go in there. No. That's nothing. No, no. Right, okay, I'll tell you what. I can go back upstairs. Maybe I could pour beer on that door that hasn't opened in a century. And we shall, we'll see. Let's see what what happens. Basin. Yeah, I know I need a basin of fresh water tomorrow. Anything else I can actually interact with? Door. I don't think I can use the crowbar with the door. I cannot. I cannot. Bed. I just need a rather uncomfortable bed. Do you think maybe you could you should just like, you know, suck it up and go to sleep. Wake up in the morning and then do your job. You know. Okay, that was good, isn't it? No. I can't do anything there. I cannot. I set fire to the bed. I cannot. I have no idea. You know, I use this card. It's pretty amusing. It's made with recycled paper. That's hilarious, isn't it? Absolutely hilarious. No, I haven't seen any red trees yet because I can't actually get into the forest. And yeah, I, I can't get into the forest because I need to go back to town, but it doesn't say why I need to go back to town. will now talk to me. It is a lever. I wonder what this stone is for? It's a sharp stone, okay, so I can cut something with that. And it's a heavy metal goblet full of beer. Right, I'm no closer to any real solutions here. Let's just go, let's go back outside and see if there was anything. Oh, I'll tell you what, let's see if I can go round the side here, see if there's anything over here I fail to interact with. There's a bath there. Can't do anything with that. That just made me walk up the stairs, brilliant. Let's see if I guess it's going to make me walk down the stairs now. Wow, in two giant leaps. Good, right, okay, so here we go. We're in the pub. Esther won't talk to me because she's too busy working. And right, it says it's an uncomfortable bed so maybe we should try and find, see if there's an Ikea memory foam mattress or something lying around. There was that pile of straw over here. Is that over here? Old cart. It's a cart full of straw, looks very smooth. But I can't get it. I can't do anything with it. Actually, actually do there. What about over here? Can't get in there. Anyone see any glowing transformers, antsy cores? What are the other things that I've not been able to do in these crap games? This game's dull, isn't it? I mean, it's not as dull as Gasp. I mean, it's nowhere near as boring as the Moon was, but it's pretty shite. Oh, wait, he's on the move. Where's he off to? What's he doing? No, he's still busy, still busy. Can I get in the, even using enter doesn't get me into the church. Good, good. I wonder if I can bludgeon him to death or something. Let's have a quick look. Stone, priest. I cannot. All right, okay. Yeah, okay, let's see if we can give the beer to Comrade Travis. Although, I suspect that if you just have the item in your inventory that you need to use, it should just make the option available when you click on them. That's what happened with the barrel, wasn't it? So, you know, I'll try. I'll try given the beer to Comrade Travis. I don't really hold out much hope. But here we go. Hello, Travis. How you doing, mate? Tough day? I cannot. Good. That's a big waste of time. Can I jump over that wall? No. Well, that was a massive, massive waste of time, wasn't it? Oh, I just heard a wolf. I don't want to go into the forest. Why do you want to go back to town, though? Why? What is there to do there? You can't talk to anyone. You can't do anything. Walk all around that house. That's great. That reminds me of that start of the Krampus. Remember Krampus? What an awful game that was. Yeah, I'm sort of really just run out of ideas. Not just run out of ideas, but really... Oh, look! I can clip through. That's cool, wasn't it? That's pretty neat. Can I go back the other way? No. Good. So, yeah, a little bit of physics defying action right there. Did I go over here? Can I go through that door? I can... Oh, but I can clip through... Oh, where am I now? I'm around the back of the pub. Okay. Yeah, I'm so bored. This is so dull. This is really rubbish. It'd be nice if there was some sort of clue. I mean, maybe if something got lost in translation or something. Maybe there was a clue that said what you've got to do or what the... I must go to the town. I know that, Frank, but God... Yeah, I'm just really clutching the straws here. I must go to the town. The glowing transformer is apparently near where you got the crowbar. I cannot for the life of me remember where I got the crowbar. It was leaning up against... It was over here, wasn't it? Was this where I got the crowbar? Now, if I press the tab key, it shows, like, activatable objects, which appears to just be that wagon, but I don't seem to be able to interact with that wagon. I don't know, let's see. No, I can't actually do anything with that. I'm just going to walk around hammering the tab key, see if there's anything like it starts. There doesn't seem to be anything, does there? Oh, reddish tree. Very strange trees. Now I understand because my company sent me here. No, now you understand why your company sent me, right? Okay, good. Is that likely to advance the plot, or can I do anything now? I can't do anything with that. There's nothing to... Yeah, I'm out of ideas. I'm all out of ideas. If anyone, if anyone, throw the stone at the tree. I suppose it's worth a shot. I acknowledge that maybe I'll need to get around this side. Stone, reddish tree, I cannot. Great. What's that? Well, burn the tree. I cannot. There's not much that Frank can do really, is there? He's a bit shit. Where are we? I guess let's go back in here. Maybe there's something in here I missed. No, well, I think we're done with this, aren't we? Normally when you decide that you've had enough of something and you think, I'm just going to give up, you usually say something like, well, it was fun while it lasted, but that would be a lie in this instance. A complete horrible, terrible lie. Wait, let's just try crowbar in this. I think no, I cannot. Burning it? I cannot. So this was a game that I played. Yeah, I guess the landscape was reasonably well constructed. The game itself, I think a lot of it's been lost in translation. I think there might have been some clearer guidelines if we were reading it in the original whatever language it was. But it's boring. The controls suck. I have no idea where anything is. It seemed really inconsistent, like inventory system. It's subpar, it's graphical glitches all over the place. It feels like it hasn't really been tested much, or no one really cares about the quality of it, which is I guess a shame, maybe? Yeah, but whatever. Just in case I want to go back to it, I'll save my game there. Let's just quit. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. Are we sure? It's not the worst game I've played. I've played plenty worse. That moon game that I played earlier was really, really crap. So yeah, that was our third game tonight. The first one that we played was Gasp, where you bore yourself to death on a pointless moon, where the laws of physics don't apply, and there's invisible walls for some reason. What was the second one? Clownhouse, which wasn't that bad, to be honest. Clownhouse. It was all right game for what it was. It was good for what it was. Bloodwood, Boring, Dull, nothing to it. But I've potentially saved the best till last, because this one, this is the only game that is on the list of games tonight in our Friday the 13th Horror Special, which is not free to play, i.e. you have to actually pay in order to play this one. This is called Red Lake. Now, let me just go to the page for Red Lake, and I will read out the description to you. So, where are we? Store page. This is the description. Are you ready for this? Okay, this tells you everything you need to know about the game. Red Lake, Horror Shooter with Elements of Quest. That's it. That's literally it. That's all it tells you about the game. So, yeah, as Lorcan's just pointed out, I've saved the best till last, I've saved the last till last. So, let's just have a quick look at a couple of user reviews here. Beridoc says, another cheap crap horror game. Poor FPS, poor modelling, poor sounds, uninteresting jump scares, barely any options, welcome default Unity launcher, only two languages, and it still has typos inside. Simply bad. I thought it's a bit better because it had gun, unlike most of them, I was wrong. So, there's that. Steve says, really bad. Nice one, Steve. Dragon Keeper says, another Unity game. So, oh, this is Cheese Master. Cheese Master says, probably the worst game I've ever played. Nice one, Cheese Master. Snake by, okay, some atmosphere. Graphics feel like 20 years ago. World is foggy, and after walking through a pretty short area, I killed a dog and ended up not being able to enter through fence or buildings. Feels like not a ready game. In my opinion, not worth the penny. So, presumably he paid a penny for it. Although, there's a positive review here from a guy called Morp here. This game has given my brain aids. It was so horrible, I need to go to bed now, then kill myself, Lucifer. And that gets a thumbs up. There's another positive review here, coming home from work Russia style. So, there's a mix of reviews. It does say mostly negative. You can currently buy Red Lake for 72 pence. I have a sneaky suspicion that it's not worth the money. To answer David's question, do you leave these games in your Steam library after you've finished with them? If I've bought them, then they're in my Steam library forever, aren't they? There's no getting rid of them. I usually hide them. I uninstall them. The free-to-play games I don't keep around. So, yeah, me saving the game there was kind of pointless. So, who wants some poor quality Unity hack job Russian crap asset flip horror? Because I know I do. Is that not why we're all here? I think it is. So, can't you refund them? It's probably not really worth it for the money. Okay, here we go. So, Red Lake. I am hoping that this is going to work. This game was problematic with the capture software. If it starts up and it's not working properly, please tell me in the chat so that I can see. Right, okay. So, again, yes, another Unity game. Another Unity game. Graphics quality goes all the way up to fantastic. So, I've said it to fantastic. So, if you don't think these graphics are fantastic, you're dead wrong. Input, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Again, no option to invert the mouse, which means I'm going to run around like an idiot because I can't control non-inverted controls because I'm a proper gamer, you know. Friends don't let friends play non-inverted. So, here we go. This is Red Lake. Wow, straight into the action there. Select language. We've got English or Russian. Probably best to start off in English. It's very red, isn't it, that lake? Okay, right, here we go. English. New game. It's the sound all right as well. I hope you guys are getting like a voiceover in the... let's go to chapter one. What is this guy saying? There's no subs because it's this is English, can you not understand it? Good car though. So, is that a lada? Remember lada? Amazing cars. Absolutely amazing. Wow, those wheels as well. It's like literally in the road. That must be how they drive in Russia. I feel the glare is maybe a little over the top here. Boom. Okay, right, here we go. New record in the note. Press tab to read. Just arrived at the area. Very foggy in here. Visibility is low. First of all, I have to check the forest ranger and find out why he stopped communicating. Okay, good. Oh, right, okay, non-inverted controls. Let's... good, and I don't... there's no options. I can't even change the mouse sensitivity. I'm literally moving the mouse by fractions of a millimeter, and it's going all... this is not going to end well. Okay, I can zoom in there. Right, where am I supposed to go? I thought that was a radar in the bottom left, but I've just realized it's a picture of a heart. So, okay. I like how there's constantly leaves falling off this tree which has no leaves on it. That's a neat touch. I'm assuming that's what happens in Russia. Interesting. Okay, I was hoping that the right mouse button would line up iron sights, but doesn't it just sort of zooms in? Oh, God, it's a dog! It's jump scare central. Nice depth of field use there. See that? It's like totally clearing... Oh, no, there we go. In Soviet Russia, jump scares you. See, Russia's one of those places where I kind of... I really kind of want to go, but at the same time I'm utterly terrified because of people like this. This is what I'm talking about. Oh, my God! That was crap, but it did make me jump. You know, this is a cheap shot. New record in the note, press Tab to read. What the heck was that? I have been warned that some objects and places can cause hallucinations. Maybe this is such a place. One thing's for sure, something is wrong here. Am I going to fall? I'm going to fall through there, aren't I? Please don't. Okay, so far this has definitely been the most exciting game of the night because it's given me not one but two jump scares. Or I should say one and a half jump scares because that first one wasn't that good, can I? Now, if we were in Russia, why would they write keep out like that? And they have like keep out ski. Oh, if there's a... Nope, can't get through there. Unless maybe I could shoot the lock. That is not what a gun sounds like. Not getting through there. Right, maybe I'll be on set. Oh, is that a dog? Oh, no! What was that? I think I'm nearly dead, actually. Worth it though, totally worth it. So, welcome Ben, just joining us. This is Red Lake. This is the main event of tonight's horror spectacular. This is the only game which actually costs money to play. It costs a full 79p to buy. I haven't broken my New Year's resolution because I haven't actually bought it this year. I didn't even buy it at all. Someone, and I can't remember who, gifted me this game last year and I haven't actually got around to actually playing it yet. Right now, I assume if I shoot that barrel of presumably explosive stuff, it's going to blow a hole in the wall. So, that's how physics work. I don't know if you notice. When you build a wall, it's not just laying bricks on top of each other. It's you have to lay the bricks on the side of each other. What the hell is that? That's just poor texture mapping. So, yeah, that was full on Michael Bay action right there. Edge of the Seats. Oh, there's another one of those dogs. I'm going to poon it before it gets close. Yeah! Take that Fido. I think I've only actually got 26 bullets left. So, let's hope I don't come across many more of those. What's that over there? Piss off! I died! I died! Oh, my God. Right. Okay, restart. Does that take me all the way back to start or where does that restart me from? Please say there's a checkpoint. New record in the note. Press Tab. No, it's all the way back to here. Oh, God. No. No. Right. I kind of know what I'm doing now though. So, let's keep going forward. Is this guy jerking off now or something? Is that what's going on? Oh, he's on the vinegar strokes. Oh! That didn't scare me that time because I knew it was going to happen and that's why jump scares are rubbish because they're not genuinely scary. They just shock you. You know, they creep up on you. You're not expecting it. I mean, it works the first time, but never again. Another jump scare about to happen. Here it comes. See? I wasn't scared that time, was I? Oh, right. Okay. So, there's that gate. If I remember rightly, there's a dog over here, so I need to kill it. Good. I'm sure I had more ammo last round. Are you ready for some full-on Michael Bay action again? Here we go. Physics, ladies and gentlemen. Good. Right. Now, there's that pot over there. Oh, there's that dog. Oh, my God. Oh, no, I have ammo. I have to manually reload. It's going to kill me again. Well, there's two dogs there. I don't like this game. It's not like... There's not even in checkpoints or anything like that. Oh, what? This time I've got no ammo. Why have I got no ammo now? There's no way I can do this with no ammo. Yeah, quit and restart sounds like a good idea. No, I'll see if I can just bum-rush those dogs, man. Let's see if I can do it. Have I gone the wrong way? I don't know. I've gone the wrong way. Oh, no, the dog. Piss off. Leave me alone, you idiot. Oh, it's literally impossible because I can't shoot that barrel. I don't know if that's by design or a bug. Right, regardless, let's exit and start again. All right, new game. Skip that. Right, okay. I've got 30 bullets. It should be adequate ammunition. Take out these dogs. That's a good question, actually. Should we find out what happens if I drop off the bridge? Right, we're almost at that bridge. Oh, you can't. Just like in real life. That's it. So you can't drop off the bridge. Wonderful. Cool. Okay, right. So we've been here at least a million times now. That dog should be approaching areas. That dog just strafe out the way. There we go. I see if I give the dogs a wide berth, I might be able to better deal with them. So if each dog takes five bullets, I don't really fancy my chances out here. You guys should hear the speed that my fan is whizzing around. This game is literally raping my GPU. My GPU is pretty good. But obviously, I mean, just look at the graphics. It's understandable, isn't it? You can see why this would push a GTX 780 to the absolute limit. Can I save? No, obviously not. Let's continue. Hit a five. No, that's not doing anything. Okay, right. Oh, is that ammo? It is ammo, wicked. We are tooled up and ready for action. Cool. Right, we're getting somewhere. Nice frame rate. Real nice frame rate. 38 frames a second. Oh, God, where? Where? Where? Can I do anything with this? Something clicking around here. What the hell's that? I can't interact with that in any way. Let's see what it says. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Something is wrong here. Yeah, great. Wouldn't mind a medkit or something or a save point, a checkpoint? Or is this like sort of Russian hardcore, you know, real men don't save or something like that? Is this some sort of presentation? What are all these bugs and stuff supposed to be? Does light behave that way? Is that something that happens in the world? Where's that glow coming from? How many light bulbs are in this thing? What? This is proof of planet Nibiru. Earth's destruction, 2013. Let's have that. Good, more shells. Oh, no, a dead guy. He's not telling me anything. Dead men tell no tales. Let's have more. It's hardly resident evil, is it? That wasn't even that scary. I mean, that did kind of make me jump a little bit, but it was nowhere near. That noise is really annoying, though. It's not, it's just annoying. I want it to stop. And I can't, I can't tell. See these flickering textures? I can't tell if that's just really bad texture alignment, or if that's supposed to be a, that's like special effect or something. That's reasonably creepy, I guess. I mean, what's more scary? The fact that there's these weird creatures all over the place, or the fact they still use CRT monitors. Oh, come on, guys. A dog's going to appear behind me, or something, isn't it? Something's going to appear behind me. To interact, press E. Dan, if you come here, are you listening, Dan? Are you still there? I don't know. If you come here and I will not be in place, be aware that the gate near the bridge replaced with the new one. I'll leave the key here, Tyler. Pick up the key. Okay, you got everything's now dark, and I can't see shit. Not cool, not fun. How many dogs are going to be out there now, do you reckon? Oh, wait. I found the forester. His face was mutilated. Have no clue what could cause that, dogs. Is it them? I noticed something. They may have black substance on them, and their faces looked horrifyingly twisted. And when they got close, they clipped through the floor. Could it be some infection or virus that did it to them? Perhaps. In any way, I need to be careful around here, you think? I found keys from the gate near the bridge, and this gate leads straight to the lakeside. It looks like I have no choice but to go there and find out about those tall tales personally. Remember, you always have a choice. In any situation, you always have a choice, because there is always the option of killing yourself. Never forget this. I'm totally disoriented now. I read that as flashlight. Do I have a flashlight? Oh, I have got a flashlight. What a tool. I just wanted to check if there was anything else in there to grab. Is he going to attack me? Am I supposed to shoot him, or is he just... I can't tell if that's a bug if he's like there in a T-pose, or do I... See what I mean about the jump scares just aren't working anymore. I'm wise to them, so I just don't care. Oh, yeah. Now he's on the ceiling. Right, mate. Oh, no, he's gone down through the floor. Oh, I see. The bar on the top is my flashlight power. I can't open that door. Wow. 21 frames per second. It's like playing on a console. What is this? Like PlayStation 4 or something? I'm going to have to wait for my flashlight to recharge because... I haven't caught brain aids yet. Well, I hope I haven't caught brain aids yet. I... If I do, you guys will be the first to know. These noises are really crap. I like how the same page of the newspaper is all over the floor everywhere I go. No, for God's sake. What kind of crap mechanic is this flashlight thing anyway? You know, braids, yes. Have I got braids? No. Yeah, you've pulled that trick already, though, haven't you, mate? I'm wise to it. I know. I know. Fool me once. Shame on shame on you. Fool me. You can't fool me again. You know, that well-known phrase. Wait, is that the way I came? That's the way I came, isn't it? God damn it. And we can have a really boring bit, which is really dark, and you're in a maze. Yeah, good idea, Sergei. What was that? What was that? How am I supposed to get through here? Oh, man. Okay, let's hit that flashlight. I can't open this. I can't get through that way. I don't have an auto map. I go... Going round here just takes me round there. Okay, there's nothing... Been here. Is there something I can... Did I go this way? Oh, this looks promising. Let's turn the flashlight off, wait for it to recharge. What's that? This is a disembodied floating head. I wonder if that's dangerous. There's that more ammo. I was hoping this would actually lead somewhere, but it doesn't. Back we go then. Oh, I need to get round there. There's a ladder up there. Can I crouch? Hey! Right, I'm assuming there's going to be all manner of dogs and crap around here. So, if I die... I guess I die. I apologize if I die. I wish those noises had stopped, because they're not scary. They're just shit. Right, that was the scene of the explosion. So, the gate should be just beyond this point. Oh, can here a dog. There it is. Ah! No, don't! Crash! God, where... Oh, what? There's three! Come on, man! Where does it restart me? No, not at the start. Please, not all the way at the start. Not... And that's what happens when you get brain aids from a game that seems to think that checkpoints are not a thing. So, yeah. Although, because of that crap ammo bug, I still have... I've got like 67 rounds of ammo, plus six in the clip. So, I really don't have any desire to do all of that again. I felt like I was kind of getting somewhere and I was kind of sort of almost getting into it, almost, and thinking, right, some form of progression here. I'm looking forward to a challenge, but then those dogs came out of everywhere. The game actually froze. I turned the flashlight on. There's three dogs. There's nowhere I was going to do it. I died. I was expecting to go maybe back to the point where I got the key. I think that would have been a reasonable checkpoint. You know, you get the key. I'd have thought they'd have put checkpoints in. You know, when you get a journal update or something like that. But, no, all the way back to the start. And I have no desire to play this. It's another example of a piss-poor, unoptimized, uni-engine asset flip. Now, the uni-engine is not a bad engine. It's a good system. It's a good way for non-coders and people with advanced coding skills to get, yeah, it's a fully-fledged engine. You can make some decent stuff with it. And there's been some awesome games made with uni, like Firewatch, like Shadowrun Returns and stuff like that. Really, really awesome stuff. But this is not awesome. This is crap. They haven't created their own assets. They've gone to the asset store and they've got generic Russian gun number one. Maybe they've edited them or something. I recognize that face, the big stupid comedy face with its thing rotting off. It was like that. They might have changed bits of it, but you know what, it looks like all of those other crap unity games that are just hashed together. And to charge money for it, it's an insult. It's an insult to humanity. I mean, I know people are stupid. I know people do really stupid things, but to sort of, the bare-faced cheek of putting those up and expecting people to pay almost a pound for it and then to expect them not to be grossly disappointed with it. I mean, if you create something, you need to be your own harshest critic. You need to sit there and you need to look at it and you need to say, this could be better. I need to improve on that. And you need to not be a perfectionist because then you never get anything finished, but you need to have like a high bar of quality. And you need to say, is this shit? And you need to also have friends that are going to tell you if something sucks. You never watched those crap reality TV programs like X Factor and stuff like that, where you have all these really awful, terrible auditions. And the reason those people are so godawful at it is because their whole lives, they've sung a shit song and they've been like, I want to fly without wings or something like that. And rather than people saying to them, you really need to work on your everything. Everyone said, that's really good. That's really good. You should keep doing it. See, like now I'm all about encouraging people and I'm all about not like kicking people to the floor and like if someone has a go at something and they're just a beginner, you know, I can sort of say, yeah, okay, that's cool. But still, you need to construct a criticism. Because if all you ever do is say, that's brilliant, that's brilliant because you're trying not to hurt their feelings or something, that does more harm than good. That's more detrimental than it would be to just like, you know, take them out into a field and piss in their eyes. That's just my opinion, I think that would be. I mean, but yeah, so my advice to anyone watching this and thinking, oh man, he's ripping these games and my games look like that. But you know, I've literally only been doing it for a week. I'm like, I'm not saying stop making games. What I'm saying is, don't put them up on Steam and charge money for them, get people to play them and give you feedback and keep on practicing. Okay, make a game this crap. Okay, and then say, what worked in this game? What were the good points about this game? Because like there were a few things about it. I mean, the jump scares kind of worked at the start, but that's not really a way to go on. But if nothing else, treat it as a learning experience. I learned how to create a 3D view. I learned how to overlay interface elements or something like that and treat all of your games as prototypes until the point where you've got something where 90% of people are saying, you know what, this is good. And when I say 90% of people, I mean people that you don't know, people that are not afraid to tell you their opinion, you know, when someone asks me for my opinion, a lot of the time they get pissed off because what they get from me is my opinion. But what they're expecting is they're expecting me to give them their opinion dressed up so that it reinforces their view of something which might not necessarily be what I believe in. If someone asks me for my opinion, give me my opinion. And if you ask someone else for their opinion, I want you to demand that it is their opinion and they don't just say, oh yeah, it's really good. Even if they do say this is really good, you ask them why. What was it that was good? List me some of the good points. And there is nothing that has ever been created which has been 100% perfect, except for this classic profile here. There is nothing that's ever been created which is 100% perfect, which means that everything, every single thing that you show to someone, there is something that they can pull out and say, that didn't work. You know, maybe you should have tried that. Or I didn't like the way that this feature was implemented. And I don't know how to fix it, but it didn't work and so that's something that you need to look at. And don't ever fall into the trap, either. If someone reviews your stuff and says this is shit, and they genuinely think it's shit, and everyone is thumbs-uping their video because they agree this looks shit, don't fall into the trap of saying, well, why don't you make something better? It's not up to the reviewers. It's not up to the critics to make something better. They are giving their opinion. And it's usually pretty well-formed opinion. It's not up to them to make something better. It's up to you to make something better. You need to listen to what they're saying and you need to refine what you... Now, I'm not saying that what you should do is create something which just satisfies everything because if someone says, I want you to do this, I didn't like this because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, so what? You're not making the game specifically for them. Maybe they didn't like some feature because they just don't like slow pacing in a story-based game or something like that. Or maybe they didn't like the fact that you need to make a decision about killing someone or not killing someone and both paths are equally valid in your game. Maybe they couldn't understand that dichotomy there. Don't feel that just because they say they don't like it that you have to change it to suit them. But if everyone's saying, I don't like this, maybe there is something that could be done in order to make improvements to that game. So yeah, keep creating games. Try it. Do it. It's good to be creative. It's good to be creative, but don't just churn out mindless shit and put it up there thinking that it's good. Case in point, okay? Let me be right back. Right. No, I'm not getting the clown costume. Sorry to disappoint you again. Here's an example. Now, you probably won't be able to see this very well. I don't know how well it's going to pick it up on the camera. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Let me just exit this game. And the only way to exit is by pressing alt F4, obviously. I'm just going to expand the video feed, not so that you guys can see my beautiful face, but rather to show you something. So here, let's see if you can actually see that. It's not really in focus. No, is that going to work? Move it back. No, can't really see that. This is a Warhammer 40,000 Imperial Guardsman. I painted him when I was 16 years old. It looks all right. It's kind of passable. Maybe if I turn the light on, it might pick it up a little bit better. Okay, so this is an Imperial Guardsman. Warhammer 40,000 from Games Workshop. It's still not focusing on that particularly well, is it? No. It's an all right paint job. It's passable. It's got some highlighting on it. It's relatively neat. I painted that when I was 16. It's nothing to write home about. At the time, I thought, yeah, that's really cool, because it was what I was capable of at the time, but me and my friend used to sit there and we used to look at the models that we painted, and we'd be critical about them. Even if it was the best thing that we painted up to that point, we were critical about what we'd done. We'd say to each other, right, okay, you messed up the camo a little bit there, and there's not really deep enough highlights on the or shadowing on the legs there. And to be honest, if I look carefully, again, you can't see it. The ink is sort of like the ink in on his arm is kind of messed up. It doesn't really look that good. But over the course of like 20 odd years of constructive criticism and feedback, it got to the point where I could paint things like this and win competitions with them. Again, you can't really see that very well. It's not very well focused. It's a, again, 140,000. It's a plastic space marine. But, you know, there's a ridiculous amount of detail in there. It's not going to focus. It's just going to look crap from there. But yeah. But if it wasn't for the fact that me and my mate were taking the piss out of each other and pointing out the shortcomings of what we were doing, we would never have gotten good. Okay, we'd never have gotten to the point where we could consistently win painting competitions, even if we entered them like the night before and spent just four hours painting something. You know, and that's not me blowing my own trumpet. That's me saying, look, this is something that I've spent the vast proportion of my life doing. But the only way that I got better at it was by pushing myself and continually looking at what I'd done and thinking, right, what could have been better there? You know, never be satisfied with what you got. Always, always try and do more. Always try and do more. And don't just sit there saying, right, I know how to do that. So that's all I'm going to do. Say to yourself, well, I know how to do that. How can I sort of extend myself? How can I push myself further? And it's not just in things like not just in creative endeavors, but when it comes to things like learning or just like just being a better person. That's what you've got to do, man. Right, I'm sure you guys don't want to see my face this large anymore. So let me just reduce the size of that back down. There you go. So, yeah, that was, sorry about that rant at the end there. I just feel that people could maybe like, if they thought more about what they were doing, because there's loads of people that say, oh, there's too much shit on steam now. And it's like, yeah, I agree. But I think that rather than just say something's crap, say why it's crap, not necessarily so the creators of it could refine what they're doing, but so that anyone watching that has produced something of equal shoddiness could maybe like make improvements or anyone thinking of trying to get into the game. Because steam is a great thing. And the fact that it's sort of lowered the entry requirements for video game development, I think that's awesome. I think it's great that people can make their own stuff easily at home without a massive team, a massive production company, and get it out there and get other people playing it. And they don't have to be really amazing polished products. They don't have to be that. But they do need to have some sort of minimum amount of quality. People need to sit there and they need to say this is not good enough for people to play yet, but let's get up there. And also, let's talk about early access. I'm all for the idea of people sort of playing games before they're finished, for beta testing purposes and stuff like that. Don't charge money for your game in early access, because early access at the moment seems to mean it's a broken unfinished game, which is never going to be finished and you're still charging full price for it. Don't do that. Don't do that. Why would you do that? Release a free beta demo or something like that. And then once it's feature complete and it's just like sort of working out the bugs, then charge full price for it. I think it's a good thing. I think people should be more creative and I think they should get their games out there. Steam isn't the only game distribution platform, but it's a good way of getting your games into the hands of millions of people all over the world. I don't think that it needs curated quality control from the Steam management or whatever. I just think it needs better quality control on behalf of the users and that's only going to happen if the whole sort of ethos changes. The more accepting people are of shovelware, the more shovelware we're going to see, but I think it's going to get to the point where either everything becomes so overloaded that people realise that it's not worth the time. I don't know. I don't really know. I've got no solutions. All I can do is offer my advice and hope that people improve on. I mean, in a way, I quite enjoy playing these crap games because it's fun to sort of try and find the good in them. As bad as some of them are, there's very few that have no redeeming features, except for that moon game that we played earlier. That was just boring, man. Play more games. Work out what works in games. Try and emulate those things. Create your own systems. Never be satisfied with what you've done. Keep making improvements. Don't settle for mediocrity. Never settle for mediocrity because if you have all you ever do is settle for mediocrity, it lowers the bar for everyone. Just say no to mediocre entertainment. That sort of turned from a humorous game stream to a rant on the state of the video game industry and creative endeavours on the whole, but fuck the police. I don't care. So yeah, I hope you've had a good time. If you enjoyed watching it and you'd like to see some more of these, because as I said last time, my New Year's resolution this year was to not actually spend any money on things that I don't need for my continued survival. So I buy food and fuel and consumables and things like that. I'm not actually buying any computer games this year, which is why it was sort of free to play stuff I was doing today. So it's mostly going to be free to play stuff and any stuff that gets gifted to me. So if you have me on Steam and you would like to gift me a game and by all means do so, if you are not on Steam but you would like to gift me a game, contact me via Facebook and send me Steam keys or whatever. If you see any free games or if you see anything that you think might make a good stream, then by all means chuck it my way. And just to answer Emma's point in the chat there, free to play stuff is the best fodder for this channel. I slightly disagree there. I think that it's not the totally free stuff which is the most awful. I think it's the stuff which is sort of it should be free, but it's not quite free and they're charging some amount of money for it, because A, that's sort of it's taking the piss and B, they seem to be the ones that are charging money seem to be even worse than the free to play stuff because a lot of the free stuff is people that are creating stuff as a hobby or something like that and they're like hey cool we did this you know let's get it on let's get it on Steam whereas the a lot of the the cheap stuff is people that are like I'm going to bash out some crap game quick so I can try and make a quick book. So yeah I think the cheap stuff is the best fodder, but what I do to find these things is to order the Steam the available games on Steam by user reviews and then go to the end. Now obviously it doesn't always work because sometimes people put ironic user reviews on there, so I'm always open for suggestions if you play a crap game or you hear about a crap game and and you'd like me to play it either leave a note in the comments contact me on YouTube or whatever and we will we will we will see we'll see what happens. So I think this has been this has been pretty awesome tonight this has been one of my one of my favorite streams out of everything. It's also been over the course of the stream it's it's I think it's been the most popular stream so far so thank you to everyone for watching. I hope I see you again if you like what you've seen then please subscribe you'll get automatic updates next time I stream generally excuse me generally speaking I stream every Friday 7 30 usually if I can't make it for whatever reason I will leave a note you know video on my YouTube just explaining what's going on but yeah so subscribe if you like it click thumbs up if you like it click thumbs down if you like it unsubscribe if you like it I can't think of any option other than liking what I do so you know that's cool oh just another KMFDM reference I don't know if anyone noticed because you can't really see the it's all blurry on there but the the text on this says ex nihilo alia e actor est which although is roman the idea came from a KMFDM song tohu the bohu so so rock and roll um that's it that's the end of the stream uh it's Christ 5 to 10 uh that was mad then wasn't it that's like two and a half hours that's the longest stream so far it's been the most fun stream so far I hope you've enjoyed it um rock and roll I will see you next time