 Okay, so is he playing you? What are the signs? So today we're going to be talking a little bit about what it means to be played and we have a somebody from our community wrote in and I'm going to go through her story and we're going to talk about whether she ended up getting played or what the actual scenario is here and my name is Matthew Coast and welcome to Commitment Connection. Hi Matt, I compromise myself because I was so taken aback and caught off guard that someone showed interest in me even with health issues. He's 34 and I'm 57. He is my son's friend and president of their motorcycle club. Started off innocent or so I thought he would message me checking on me to see how I was doing or if I needed anything every morning a good morning. I called him handsome. He started saying good morning beautiful. I thought it was so sweet. He comments on my smile then he commented that I showed a little cleavage from a photo that she sent to him. So it progressed to him saying that he was saying that if I kept calling him handsome he may come knocking on my door. Said he was in a relationship but miserable, wants to leave, has no place to go and would be difficult paying another child support if he did. They don't sleep in the same room. He doesn't think she cares what he does etc. Said age is only a number. In other words said all the right things. First off I want to kind of break away from this question and I just want to say that those are not all the right things. He said he's in a relationship but miserable, wants to leave, has no place to go, would be difficult paying another child support if he did. They don't sleep in the same room. He doesn't think she cares what he does. These are not the right things. These are the wrong things. These are red flags that you missed or maybe you didn't miss them because you're telling me about them. So he offered to help with things around the house, never a phone call, always only messages and of course it had to be hush hush as he didn't want to hurt my son or me, not to mention his girlfriend. And he didn't want the club to find out or he'd get kicked out of the club. Messaging continued, getting more sexual. He told me he got a hard on one time from talking, said do you want to see? I said um do you want to show me? Next pick was a d-pick or we'll just say dingaling. Next pick was a dingaling pick. And I was shocked from that point on he said he asked me to show him a pick of me, showed some cleavage then he asked for more and just there's a lot of women that I've kind of talked to where they've been like oh why do guys send d-picks? Why does they send dingaling picks right? This is why because it actually works in some scenarios and so this is a situation where it worked for a guy. He sent her a pick of his ding dong and now she's sending him pictures of his her breasts. So if anybody's wondering why guys do it it's because it works. So for anyone who yeah so next she says I told him I never do that sending naked picks. He then said if you're not comfortable then don't came off sounding like I'm prude so I showed him a pick of my breast. I compromised then I kept feeling like he wanted more and more and he asked for more wanting to see more. I obliged willingly going totally against my boundaries. I like that he was interested in me right and that's and that's one of the things I talk a lot about especially in my forever woman program. You know the reason that you're doing all this is because you're right now you're coming from this space of feeling like you haven't had any real intimacy in a long time and you don't have anything else going on and so this guy's showing you interest and so now you're doing things that you wouldn't normally do. I liked that he was interested in me wanted him to be and well it looked like at any cost. First he came over we talked then kissed a few times he started to get touchy-feely I stopped him as I was way too nervous and on fire and it had been so long since I had been touched in a sensual way. The second time he came over he said he was very attracted to me and said well maybe we could just do it this one time better than no time or he could leave right so he said maybe we could do it this one time better than no time or he could leave right so all the signs are there all the signs you didn't miss them you're telling me about them right now but what I think happened was you wanted it to be something else right you wanted this to be something else that was going on and so you ignored the signs that were there she says I liked I liked him I thought you'd want to leave oh she oh she says I was like um I thought you'd want to leave wasn't prepared for you wanting anything more because of my son then he stood up to leave but went and stood in the hallway and said I can go this way towards the bedroom or that way towards the door it's an interesting interesting thing to say pressure was on I felt so torn and like I'd never get a chance to experience this intimacy I stood there for a few minutes and nodded towards the bedroom it was weird and awkward but done that evening when he thought my son was saying stuff to other members of the club about my crush and thinking more was going on he messaged me asking if I erased all our messages he was paranoid needs to take a break from us from talking etc until club chatter calmed down but he'd be back around took a break for about a week so talking so no no talking at all I initiated talking he said yeah we could talk which is basically you chasing him at this point but messages were getting more sparse then a few days went by he had not responded to my messages then I got a message saying hey I was out without data for a few days can you keep an eye out on boxes for me they had gotten a notice to move so he was busy I found some boxes for him he came to pick them up we hooked up again told me he was going to be extremely busy work packing move in the club business etc we hardly spoke but I did see he had time to post on social media but no more good mornings no more initiating a message at all I did though here and there then after a week or two I decided to ask him if he wanted to go back to being just friends no response another time I said do you wish not to see me anymore his response was I'm sorry I'm just really swamped sounds like you're double texting there as I went back over our messages several times it almost feels like a predator grooming me him going after a woman he knew was ill lonely by herself and well I was vulnerable and open target not being a victim a victim because I willingly went for it Matt do you think he prayed or used me did I get played so I'm curious about what everybody else thinks in here do you think that she got played here's my opinion on it I do not think that you got played at all right so getting played is being lied to or taken advantage of right they pretend like there's someone they're not and that they want something that they don't want in order to get something that you wouldn't give them if they weren't acting like they wanted something else or they emotionally manipulate you in order to get what they want and that's not what happened here at least based on what you have told me and put in this that is absolutely not what happened what happened here was you were both flirting with each other and it sounds like you're both kind of coming from a space of needing intimacy needing to feel good with each other and what ended up happening was you both kind of used each other to kind of get some needs met and I think what you did was and and you know don't get me wrong I've done it before lots of people have done it plenty of women in our community have done it what I think you did was you were just so kind of enamored by what was going on with him that you ignored all of the red flags and you even kind of made them seem like they were things that you wanted to hear even though that they they aren't and so what ended up happening was you it was a very natural organic progression from you talking to each other and just chatting and him checking up on you you're calling him handsome and he's you know what what guys do is they if you're not aware of how it kind of works most guys what they do is they there's a lot of women out there right and most of those women don't want anything to do with those guys and so what the guy does is he has to go and kind of find out which women are interested in him because if he's approaching and pursuing women who aren't he's just going to stay in the friend zone and act like an idiot and everybody's going to think he's an idiot and he's going to get a bad reputation so what he does is he looks for women that are giving him signals that they want him to proceed forward and you are giving him that signal you are calling him handsome right and you're you guys were both messaging you're calling him handsome he's like oh well you know if you keep saying that I'm going to be knocking on your door and you're like oh you know and you kept playing with it and you guys kept flirting until eventually it escalated to the point that you reached physical intimacy and so I do not I don't think that you got I don't think that you got played I think that he told you exactly what was going on you chose not to pay attention to what he was saying and you got caught up in your emotions when you're and and I get it right you're just coming kind of back into the dating world you know there's this kind of opportunity you probably weren't even like it probably wasn't even on your radar you got it really excited and you jumped into it and the reason that that can happen is because you're emotionally kind of vulnerable you're you're feeling kind of this desperation and neediness to kind of get something to feel something right and so you ignore all the red flags that are you know he he he was basically he had a big bucket of flags a big bucket of red flags and he was grabbing them and he was throwing them into the air right and there was just this big kind of display of red flags flying in the air and you were like I don't care about any of that I'm moving forward with this right and so first off he's got a girlfriend and what do I say about this right never get involved in a messy situation if you don't have to and not only do you not have to you particular absolutely do not need to and you shouldn't right this is a very messy situation he's friends with your son they're in this motorcycle club he's got a girlfriend he can't do anything because there's still there's a bunch of things going on over there I mean there's so much madness and craziness going on in this situation this is about as messy as messy gets I mean this is just a big mess fest of a situation and my suggestion is that you don't get into situations like that don't mess with guys who have girlfriends don't yeah you know he tells you probably because he's emotional about it oh she's you know this she's that she's angry she's you know all these different things he told you that he has a girlfriend and that should be what stops it and you what you need to do is tell him that he needs to go figure that out before you do anything with him because you're getting yourself into a really messy situation so I'm not going to harp on that anymore than that and and then he literally told you that this was a one time thing he said we could just do this this one time you know or not or whatever right so he was he was letting you know that this potentially could just be a one time thing you know and it's possible that he was saying that as like hey you know like let's just have fun one time and you know see what happens or whatever and it's possible that he was saying that like hey I just want to do this one time and that's it but either way he told you that it's a one time thing and that or it could be a one time thing and that's that's a huge red flag that's a huge red flag that you need to pay attention to and like I said it was a natural flirting where a natural progression of flirting and moving things forward to a physical level and this isn't this isn't somebody praying on somebody it was a very mutual thing that happened and here's my suggestion for moving forward I'm not going to say that it is impossible that maybe something could end up here my my gut feeling about this right now is that what's probably going on is that there's a lot more going on with him and his girlfriend and then what he told you and what's probably going to happen is he's probably going to try to work things out with her and or there's going to be something out there's going to be some kind of drama or something else that's going to happen there and he's he's not going to be available for you at all and so my suggestion is once again get into a world of abundance go out and start dating and meeting other people and leave this guy alone leave him completely alone don't message him don't text him if he talks to you or he messages you that's fine but stop chasing him stop sending him messages stop asking him what he wants or if he still wants to see each other or you want to be friend don't do any of that don't message him at all just leave him alone and start figuring out your own stuff and start creating your own dating life and just stop just stop messing with him and if he ends up leaving his girlfriend which he may or may not then that would be an opportunity for you to possibly get together with him but I just don't think that honestly based on what you told me that's probably not going to happen anytime in the near future it's it's just probably not it's that's just the reality of the situation he's probably not going to leave her anytime soon you know I don't know what else is going on with him and his girlfriend you're talking about children and child support and all kinds of other things he's probably not going to leave her if you continue to see him what will probably happen is you'll turn into the other woman type of scenario that he needs to keep you under hush hush raps right which in my opinion I don't care who you are if you're a woman I don't think you ever should be treated like that I don't think you should ever settle for a scenario where you're under under raps where he's not excited to tell everybody about you where he can't tell everybody about you where you have to be his dirty little secret I don't think you should ever settle for a scenario like that which is what this is that's exactly what this is and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon especially because of the motorcycle club that they're in and your relationship your your son's relationship to him I mean there's there's this is so such a giant red flag of a situation so that's it