 So there was several things that I definitely wanted to ask you overall not just about your talk now but the one-on-one speech that you did with In your home and the thing that I wanted to ask right away was what's the difference between feminism and just wanting equality And in what just wanting equality Essentially, there's nothing wrong with the quality enemies. Can you since we're not saying her can you kind of repeat the question? Okay, and you're not like okay. Yeah excited. This is going back to the documentary. I got to get Okay, I've got to make sure I yeah try to Mindset The difference I find between Feminism and equality is there's absolutely nothing wrong or immoral about wanting equality Especially as a species or between people and that's terribly Something that's appropriate and something we support what I find with feminism now Especially third-generation feminism is it's a political movement and it's about inequality. It's about Solidifying Advances gained in one area and denying others. So when we talk about Very very touchy and personal subjects like a woman's right to choose Tell me about the equality of men have Tell me about the equality that men share and their right to choose to be fathers Why is it that her DNA is more important than mine? I should have the same rights to my genetic material that she does and I recognize biologically She is going to be the vessel in which the child is you know grown from Cell to and obviously an infant, but when we talk about post birth Okay, women have rights that we don't and that's there's terrible injustices there at any time a woman can Actually put up a child for adoption There's several metrics for that with no consequences with no obligation and it's called parental surrender Try getting a man to be able to sign off from parental surrender. It's not possible It's you know, you have to get it get in the sense of others and that's that's a you know an immense sign of inequality Furthermore when we talk about how we protect Men and women boys and girls Why is it okay that we for example condemn general mutilation with women, but we condone it with men Why is circumcision a form of genetic or not genetic but a form of Genital mutilation acceptable in society, but not with women and yet interestingly enough the justifications for doing so are identical Cultural base cleanliness base and in reality the sign stacks up in favor of female mutile generally General mutilation more so than it does male And so that these are some severe issues we need to look at and feminism is just not picking up the charge It's very much a political organization Gear to gender issues very very specific gender issues and it's not about equality and so consequently as a moral man I I'm always struggling with the fact is that if I just say nothing I Allow for the acceptance and all you have to do is say nothing for it to further And I'm at the point in my life where I'm no longer willing to do that. I've had to Take a number of risks personally and professionally Socially I know I've lost a number of friends because of this and I'm okay with that I really am I don't have time or room in my life for immoral people And if the issue of feminism is going to be that mark, I'm willing to let you go When we talk about feminism and an element of human behavior associated with revenge about History of inequalities that have been previously obtained or are distributed and cared for in our societies It's true. There's been a lot of iniquity Inequality it's taken place, but we also look at the advancements We also know that a lot of this is narrative driven a lot of your belief systems are taught and those stories resonate And they may be real they may be very real on that may be actually factual But are they all the facts are they all the context? Are they all the the story that sets really truly out there? We know for example women do not have the right to vote prior equally with men now It's also true that That some women were allowed to vote We also know that women had the right to vote before all men And that's interesting now what in that narrative? We don't sit down and say White women had the right to vote before black men, but they did And that's a history that we should be shameful of that is a history We should be made aware of and that is these things that we acknowledge it Will make us stronger by being truthful and facing that honesty with honest intent But I get the fact that it's human nature to respond aggressively and defensively to when there's been a Violation of boundaries when you've been egreged. I think that's terribly human But the problem is is it doesn't get us to a better place I want to switch topic in a relationship And the worst thing was to be uncertain. So how do you know if you are always far as a certainty? Yeah, defy as first confidence. Yeah, how do you know if you're? Uncertain or if you're just growing and changing as a person That's tough. Um, I Know we're burning air time on this one When it when I talked about The the attractiveness about being certain as opposed to being uncertain and how unattractive uncertainty is Especially when we talk about relationships Of not knowing and being uncertain if you want to commit or being a relationship and being it's honestly unattractive There's a lot of anxiety. There's a lot of tension. There's a lot of stress Associated with that and especially when you don't know and so I would sit down and Look at trying to resolve those tensions to release those and how do you how do you do it? And you're gonna have to do it by face and head on you're gonna have to acknowledge that this exists that this is an issue And you're gonna have to address those issues I will also sit down and say regardless of the decisions you come to that there's a tremendous amount of power and relief that takes place once the decision is made that you can just be free of it and The key is not to second-guess yourself as soon as you do to revisit it again and again But to eventually make the best decision you can at that time with the information you have And to go with that now I will say this and this is gonna be part of a speech that I get at the end of the 21 convention in Tampa is That understanding your purpose will provide you many of the answers you will are looking for not only that Understanding your purpose will help motivate you and there's an immense link between those two things that people understand when they're not Motivated for something that they need motivation But what they're really saying is I don't know my purpose and I'm suffering energy wise because of it And if you sit down and say if you're gonna have to make some really hard decisions Especially when it's relationship wise is this the right person for me is this really what I want to be doing You have to ask your question yourself the question is this person gonna help me achieve my purpose Is this person gonna be a equal partner in this relationship to achieve that purpose? And if you can answer that yes to that you've got your answer one of my favorite authors and Nathaniel Brandon said that is Ideal man when you ask about the ideal man his exact quote was Man or a man that loves a strong woman How do you how does that compare? your ideal It interesting you bring up Nathaniel Brandon. I he's kind of a hero of mine in a number of ways Not only because of the nature of the bookseats written and the tremendous resources to men and women Regarding self-esteem self-respect all these sort of things in relationships But I he kind of holds a very dear Place in my heart because this is utter failures as a man Here you have somebody who is terribly terribly flawed who made some very very personal decisions to become involved sexually with somebody against his own value systems knowingly tried to be Honest and appropriate and have integrity to bring it out to the forefront with this partner and Hurt them immensely because of that And as a consequence, I I personally believe And that he spent the rest of his life trying to make up for that personal failure That he tried to heal himself by repaying the debt That was associated with that damage is that that he tried to help others not do the same thing on a very personal level That resonates for me as well Early in my dating life. I've made similar mistakes I had similar errors and judgment in integrity and I locked down and I hurt people that were very dear to me And my actions did not speak to my values I might not have had the skills or abilities that I wish I had I may not have had the support network that I wish I could have had or should have had But the reality is is my actions were mine and they need to be accountable Unfortunately, I don't think you can make restitution in some cases But what I can do is to offer up to a greater good and sit down and say it's not just that I'm sorry, but here's what I've done Because it bothered me to that to that degree that it moved my life and that in a meaningful way And I'm paying back the pain of the suffering the humiliation the rejection And I'm trying to do it in an honest and sincere way and as a sign of respect and love giving it back and Unfortunately, you can't give it back to the individual But what I can do is sit down and show through actions that I truly am a better man I know in my talk 21 convention talk I talk about the individuals that are associated at the very very high end of the emotional scale the social scales of Social selection and these are people that are you're able to relate immensely with emotions That you have tremendous social connections the people that have tremendous relationship skills maintenance skills You'll have people that respond to you Basically psychologically completing it one of the fundamental ones that I opted not to use them and as an example is Nathaniel Brandon and Ann Wren Here you have two people that are highly attracted to each other Sexually because of an intellectual attraction that they share these things intellectually and there's a tremendous human biological Driver to that that we fail to recognize that we fail to honor and I think in many ways It's understanding what what did occur is that when you share Those sort of things with somebody so closely it makes sense and nature comes in and wants those two people to be together That's shared values are that strong and that charge that it would make sense. They would get together sexually Unfortunately, they both had made promises and commitments in other ways and they destroyed lives And it's it's unfortunate That was long sorry No, no to be honest no as long as we're able to pace this we will go How to get people out of your lives and how to recognize that? What if you are one what if you what if you know that I'm a cheater it happens all the time I wish it I wish I could get rid of that part of my personality Okay, how do you help them? Okay when they recognize that? I know in my talk we talked about human vampires Parasites psychopaths and sociopaths and people that are extreme narcissistic behaviors And I talked about what was required to exercise these people from your life to protect and to prevent that from happening and A real interesting thing happens and I didn't have a chance to discuss it It would be a really interesting Subject to pick up and continue with is what happens when you're the vampire what happens when you're the human monster? I think in many ways It's it's a real fascinating study when you talk about Psychopaths in many cases psychopaths know they are psychopathic they understand that and they they adapt The question is is is it a genetic element? Are they truly truly? incapable of developing that bond In connection with people and if so then it's a genetic thing that's not going to be overcome and unfortunately those people do exist To How do you change that honestly in that particular case you don't know those are those are regrettable your best bet is to recognize that? Make sure you don't do further harm, but again if you're having those feelings you're really not a monster If you're concerned about it, you're not that big of a monster and you're not as bad as you think you are If you feel that you are and you're exhibiting those traits, that's what you are There's a remarkable difference between what you are and who you are You get to choose who you are today. Your past is less important than what you do today and who you become If you are a monster and you don't want to be Start today to act towards virtue Learn about your nature. It's gonna have to start with introspection. I talk about in my blog post There's a fairly brief one. I've taken a psychological our Looking into a psychological mirror of yourself and really look into yourself and understand your background What formulated that doing all those sort of things in many cases if it's Significant and a lot of cases they are because we're talking about people who are damaged and if your damage is because of trauma You need to identify it. You need to understand what that is how that is how that plays in how natural sometimes your responses are It's in to treat yourself kindly If it wasn't your fault, you're not accountable to them What you are accountable are your reactions to that and if you're recognizing that they're unhealthy you have an obligation to stop them So I would first identify that and then work with professionals to actually Learn not to and seek other manners of behavior. That would be pro-social pro relationship and pro-empathetic And that's going to take a tremendous amount of work That'll probably take a lifetime of work because when you're damaged emotionally like that it is Really cutting to the quick of who you are in the hindbrain and those are base primal drivers These are things that Flight or response issues fight or flight response issues and they're visceral. They're visceral You are personally under attack and it's life or death. I can't imagine Suffering from those things. I think I'm very fortunate that my personal failings and the issues I have don't run that deep But some people do these people need our compassion. They need our support They need our understanding I think in part if you're going through this letting those around you knowing what you've gone through and sharing that Will be tremendously a powerful Tool to be able to leverage you need help you need support you need to understand you're not alone They it will help set the tone for them to help and assist you To be more understanding to help them control their reactions as well as yours and guiding That's the importance of having a partner is they can see things you may or may not they can help you out So I would look at those things and then really just make it a daily effort to be a better person When we talk about personal failings, I've cheated on partners. I've done things that were wrong. I've You run through a degree of I can justify some of it or some of it not I can understand it In many cases it was me not willing to speak up and to voice my emotional needs my sexual needs my Physical needs in many cases. It wasn't actual sexual needs. It was my needs for validation I felt terribly invalidated in some of the relationships and I felt trapped And I wasn't willing to hurt the individual I supposedly cared for by letting them go and the reality I was hurting us overall and Invariably you'll get to a point when you actually act and nature will take over and unfortunately our Biological natures and not pretty and I talked about that in the 21 convention talk They tend to be terribly self-interested And you become selfish you become ugly you become our base primal instinct And I would sit down and say those things are saddened then you have the opposite Spectrum what do you do when you come across somebody you connect with immensely you have these shareings and It's human nature to bond To be drawn physically towards somebody that you share these ideals with is there a better Appropriate way to have that connection that biological connection and drive that's normally satisfied sexually with somebody Through acknowledgment that would honor the obligations you put you to the commitments you've had and sit down and say I'm immensely attracted to I find you incredibly desirable, and I would love to Somehow solidify that connection in a way in which I'm responding in a physical manner in a biological manner And I think in a lot of cases if you can just verbalize it just cut the tension just say it But say it appropriately and say it with a degree of dignity and respect You don't always have to act on it I think a lot of times you're just looking for that tension release I know there there have been cases in my life in which it was just that I know that I made conscious decisions to step outside of a relationship to Solidify that other relationship in a sexual manner that probably could have been satisfied in other means But I didn't and that's regrettable. The other is If you're gonna do it own it I don't say it's right. I don't say it's moral, but if you are doing that Acknowledge it that I'm human. This is where I'm at. This is why I'm doing how you know, and I'm not saying go and cheat I'm not giving you permission But it doesn't mean you're an evil entity You're just acting on values and biological drivers and especially when intellect, you know We talked about Nathaniel Brandon and Anne ran It's regrettable that they opened it up through trying to be Showing integrity they they devotes devolved the relationship to their partners and that caused Really a tremendous amount of damage if you're gonna step out and do that Truly protect the people and a lot of times I think when you come clean and telepartner You're really not being honest. You're trying to pass guilt and you're trying to release yourself from that guilt If you're gonna do something that violates your your morals your your sense of self and you don't want to hurt other people Don't hurt other people My next question kind of splits some people from the 21 convention in town Some of the speakers some of the attendees they think that Monogamy is unnatural and then other speakers say well You know we can make laws that make it unnatural, but then or that make it illegal But people constantly want to pair up so I Where do you fall on me spectrum of monogamy is completely unnatural and we shouldn't even try Or to it's completely natural All man will do it I guess the question when it comes up was when we talk about the nature of coupling and partnering and Monogamy, you know, what what's natural what's appropriate and what's my personal views on it? If I take a step back and I I try to observe things, you know, what's the natural state of order? I would first sit down and say what what does nature show us? Let's look at all the species everything else. Let's narrow it down on mammals and what do we look at and what do we have and Unfortunately, the science is not conclusive and maybe that's that's On purpose and you can't necessarily sit down and you can craft a story that says it's this or that by only looking at select data But what we find is not all mammals are monogamous. We recognize that there's a variety of it We also recognize it may shift over a course of period of time that certain animals would be monogamous during certain periods And then not during others We talked about sneaky breeding and cuckoldery. That's kind of natural elements as well ultimately nature in itself is about biological science We'll recognize that nature in its entirety just wants those species to replicate. It doesn't really care So when we put on social constructs over top of this, we're doing something artificial on the outset So I'm less concerned about whether we should be monogamous or not. I think that as Humans we have a remarkable capability to stand opposed to our nature and those are civilizing elements I think those are there are things that should be celebrated And so in some ways I will sit down and be terribly of Add an advocate for monogamy, but I recognize that that's not the natural order of humans It's not the natural order for mammals and that's not going to be Typical in all cases and what we're doing is we're setting people up for heightened failure when they fail that and Often when you have unrealistic expectations the damages are worse than if you just What we're a little more understanding and accepting to a reality you create more misery when you resist reality and we can control that I also will for example look at the same matrix as for example Gender if we look at that it's not binary. It's not just male or female We know that within not only just human population, but consistently throughout mammal populations That there's this variation between male and female That naturally takes place from one way or another it can be very slight as a chromosome Or it can be really an element where it's dual gender And we know that's we say it's unnatural, but the reality is it naturally happens naturally So it is natural per se now when we throw a social construct over that we're forcing the issue again Rather than accepting this individual for who and what they are We're trying to put them in a category that they don't naturally fit and there there are challenges with that I think it's Honestly inappropriate and again, we we fight a reality and we're miserable for it and we create miserable lives for it I'm more concerned with who somebody is rather than what they are And that's to whether they're monogamous Whether they're male or female And we can also talk about orientation the same way. We know that it's the same spectrum I really don't care about your orientation. I care about who you are If you're a piece of shit your piece of shit, I don't care if you're straight, you know Political party is the same. I I vastly care about the individual and who they are Rather than what they are I I don't necessarily see Monogamy as The end all I will sit down and say this There's just not a better System out there We know that the there have been just a wide variety of mating patterns and types and and governances between people To accommodate human needs to create shelters for reduced tension To lessen anxieties to create an environment in which we can live and prosper And raise children in and to do such safely. We know there's a variety of mechanisms to take place But what we find throughout all time throughout history and in multicultural in in many different cultures predominantly We look at monogamy and single pairing as being the most successful And for many reasons for it. The most simple is this is the smallest form of government and if we talk about efficiency Smaller is always better And so in that way it I think it out competes other forms We know that it there's a tremendous less energy expenditure social skills require a lot of energy It requires a lot of skill a lot of maintaining you have to be on it If you're trying to juggle multiple relationships and do it appropriately It you need to communicate it it needs to be managed and that's a that's that's a pretty You know significant garden as far as the human spectrum is concerned. So I for me. It's it's understanding it I don't necessarily think One's morally better than the other. I I have a preference. I I have a belief in which one I think works better And history plays out, but ultimately it's coming individual's choice and I believe in free will It's up to the individual to decide for themselves I think they should be educated. I think they should make educated decisions And I should they think they should enter into those agreements willingly Equally, I think people should be able to leave them as willingly as well. And so in that regard We can talk about monogamy and marriage I like the idea of marriage. I don't think it's necessary. I think in this day and age It's terribly risky. There's fraught with dangers and perils and Obligations and it's a form in many ways of servitude to a greater Community, whether it's governments or culture or anything else and I would hope that I would have the relationship I deserve and if I deserve a relationship that's loving caring nurturing I don't want a government or a culture to step in and enforce that through peer pressure or financial arrangements I would hope that based on my own merits and my partner's merits that I'm choosing them on a daily basis Great So if a man Is in a relationship And he doesn't want to be a pushover, but he also doesn't want to be an ass Where's that fine line? I mean if he wants to be the dominant one, how does he do that without acting mean? There's an interesting dynamic Between being assertive and I'm being a rollover and just becoming a complete ass and it degrees It's it's all about degrees of variations of throttling it part of it is is probably best Understood on having a critical confrontation is understanding that people don't necessarily remember what you say precisely but they do remember how you made them feel and when The issue is Touchy when it's sensitive There's going to be heightened value and any Involvement in that is going to have a tremendous amount of energy. You have to be very careful You know you're handling explosives as it were a very volatile situation So how you approach something initially is going to be more important than what you actually say Um, but you need to have that critical confrontation You have to engage because if you don't you're going to you're going to be a pushover So what happens is I think is that people don't have that skill set. They're not Familiar with it. Uh, I will sit down and reference like for example, Doug McGuff's talk is that you You don't you respond to the level of your training You fall down to the level of your training and if you are out of practice or have never had that or you've never done it Jesus, you don't want to be doing it when it counts. I mean, that's like saying I'm going to enter the the most important sporting event of my life having never trained Don't expect great results if you haven't trained for it And and there's also conditioning for that Especially when partners are concerned about certain issues that may be in conflict. You have to have that level of dialogue It's also a degree of trust. You have to have trust and belief that This sort of engagement in conflict is going to actually have a positive result Net wise on our relationship and that's kind of a really odd Concept to think that our conflicts are actually going to bring us together And what happens is is is understanding that when you remove a negative Things are improved So that if we're having a conflict, we're going to remove We've we found an issue. We found a negative And once you discover working to excise that negative will require a degree of conversation Empathy skills active listening skills emotional need skills and communication back and forth As well as appropriate handling and managing of that of that process and you have to Have a good handle on that. You have to be experienced and to handle that well But you also have to have faith and and communicate that with a partner. I think in many cases of look I'm bringing this up Not to just make an immediate change on an issue but to make us stronger to bring us closer together And if i'm not able to do that, I don't care about the problem It's made it worse the solution is worse than the problem. There are the cures worse than the the ill So you have to be careful and I think Just acknowledging that initially on on the outside of saying. Hey, look, babe You know, there's an issue, but I want to make sure we're approaching this with care and going very slowly And understanding I would ask initially to sit down and say are they willing to discuss it? Would she be willing to discuss this issue with me if the answer is no Then to find out when when would you be more comfortable? You know, obviously now is maybe not right or maybe we can postpone it to this period. Let me sit on it And maybe you just make them aware of it I would like to be able to talk to you about this when when would be a good time to Bring it up that you would be comfortable and to create that safe space of security And that's essentially what we're doing in a relationship We're creating safe space for each other and we're caring for each other And I would get in the habit of doing that as well From the issue and then approach it very very carefully and not be Judgemental don't be sit down and say you you you Start using terms, you know and reflect on how you feel. This is making me feel or these are my observations and and own those observations, you know Don't make them statements of ownership and place blame be accountable to the process Ultimately, I would sit down and say at the very end This is going to be crazy is is asked for compliance. Are they willing to comply with whatever occurred and you'd be surprised Talk about knowing when to get out of a relationship If you've gone through this whole issue of talk and discussion and everything else And you resolve the issue Ask the question and pop the question it's almost like engagement pop the question Are you are you willing to make a change? Are you willing to work on this if they say no? You've got problems. You've got severe problems. Okay, then ask why your problem is not over But at least they've been honest about it recognize that thank you for your honesty that really bothers me now We have another one You know and in the if they agree and they in the work on it help them at it Don't just hold them accountable for the first time they make a mistake Work with them help be a mentor help train and that goes for yourself as well I know in many instances. I'm not necessarily aware of you know, some of the things I'm known I'm a kind of a big personality. I would hate to date myself. It would be A lot And so when my partner tells me certain things, I know it's an effort for her to speak up to Approaches I have to help her do that and I have to make sure she's comfortable doing that and only through a pattern Of doing so will she be comfortable and confident and I will have earned that trust In doing so and then I also have to have help In curbing my behavior or doing whatever it is to be cognizant of certain things And so I need her help to highlight hate look do this or you know to ease it up But to do it in a way that's not nagging that's supporting and have me work out and keep me kind of on track Hey, you're slipping a little bit. So when we talk about having Throttling issues on rolling over and not and being too pushy When you roll over you're not you're not acknowledging and you're accepting it Okay, and you have to acknowledge when you roll over you just roll over you know and you own that When you're too pushy is when you're demanding and you're just too forceful and you're blunt And that's not very sophisticated and we know better than that We we can do better than that and but it does take a tremendous amount of work a tremendous amount of energy And it takes two people to work that through Great Sorry, I'm just cutting every question. Okay, perfect It uh, I gotta get in there for James's speech because he started all right, but I just I have because I want to see that one too Okay, so my last four questions and you can Say like oh, that's a good one. Let me answer that um People I guess are more Stereotypes than they used to be like maybe it's because of reality shows But they seem to be archetypes of themselves rather than individuals and I just didn't know if you had any thoughts on that If someone says I just want to be a better person What would you say to somebody who is falling into bad philosophy? Oh god, because we have a few friends that are like They're just they're falling into step-on-mall in you and just some bad philosophy and then the last one was Inappropriate behaviors that you talked about some people will give you inappropriate behaviors in a relationship because they don't know how They don't have the appropriate ones Okay, I'm going to avoid the philosophy one because I know I talk about philosophy But I'm not studied and versed on all that so that that's going to be a brutal one Uh, the the other one in associated to kind of real quick on on I think we control our own behaviors We can we can present information, but we can't make the horse drink water So we have to be accepting what people decide If it becomes an issue as far as For example that it it becomes a severe issue and there's going to be there's going to be value changes Realize that they can't be part of your life and shared values Your life should be filled with people of similar values doing similar things and it's natural When people don't to have that separation and that's kind of that's kind of a fact of life What were the other I just want to be a just want to be a better person Uh, yeah, let's let's grab that one that that's that's that's a tough one. It's probably a value value Uh, I just got the question about what what do you what do you tell somebody who wants to be a better person? Uh, they don't know where to start, uh, and I obviously you sit down and say if you just want to be a better person What the hell does that mean? Quantify that on honestly. What what does that mean? Uh, and and not so much that what does that mean to me? But what does that mean to the individual? Uh, I think that is a question that is seeking value Um, they and they may not know and they may need may need directions I know, uh, we've talked a little bit just about stereotypes and some of some of the elements there And I think what happens is we fall into roles, uh, at stereotypical views heroes Cultural roles expectations everything else and they don't have a personal identity and they're not sure and it's not well grounded Uh, their sense of self is lacking and it's kind of a call to help in a very very fundamental way Uh, that they don't understand themselves. They don't understand their values and they have not really Looked at what those values are. So I think the the first response is they need to really investigate themselves Really look at what values they have One of the comments that I had in my ending speech for the 21 conventions is I talk about Steve Martin's role of success and I really love his philosophy on success is that It's not the things you focus on that make you successful It's the things you didn't focus in on the things that you Were able to say no to and I don't mean the easy ones I mean the really hard things you had to say no to So when somebody says I want to be a better person, they don't know what to say no to Nor do they know what to say yes to And so what you hear is somebody who's really lost And if you're lost you have to find yourself first Um Finding the destination before you find yourself is kind of worthless. You don't know where you're at in relationship to that So first off I would say it out and they say you have to find yourself You have to find where you at where you stand. What do you believe in and then the second one is is Who and what do you want to be? And find out where you want to go and then you can make a decision based on that and very much the one I talk about you know, it's a vectoring process between the two As far as relationships goes being a better person is the same way If you know your purpose and destination and know where you're at you know What you have to do in comparison, you know to what magnitude and scale and direction now The key in all that though is not necessarily the straight line may not be the best route for you. Um pick your path Know what's going to be the best one for you and the way in which you want to go about doing it And then then start acting on it Answer that question. How did I God that was a brutal one