 Well back by popular demand Laura house. Hello Laura house Hi, David for people who have never heard Laura house. She's an actress a comedy writer and Comedian she's written on some of your favorite sitcoms. She was one of the stars of an MTV series She's a great stand-up comedian. She's in one of my favorite political movies of all-time Janine from Des Moines How are you? That's so awesome. I'm good. I'm good David. That was such a nice intro So you're in love you're in love. You're excited about myself. Are you in love? I? I am in love. Yeah, I had a big relationship end last summer and I did a lot of work working through that and Then I met someone on the on a dating app two weeks ago, but it's like it's this amazing match You met somebody on a dating app. Isn't that crazy? I never thought it would happen to me Like you hope it'll happen and then it happens and you're like what? Yes Dating apps women go on dating apps. Well, I I don't think it's just women. I Have not finished yet As I understand dating apps women go on dating apps and View the men the same way men view porn They like to flirt with the men But then when it comes to closing the deal and getting the date they run away. That has been what I've heard mm-hmm That you like being flirted with But you really don't want to get off the couch and actually go out with a guy I is that the end of your point? That's what I've heard There's probably some people like that, but I in my experience Boys and girls go on there and they talk a little and they date That's been I haven't had So you've had You have Fred like your friends have been blown off Well, I have I have younger friends who are describing Ligula's Wet dream, but they're young, but tell me have you ever Been on a dating app before Yeah What yes, yeah, I did I was married years ago and then After that I got on a dating app and then After this big big breakup I got in a dating app. Yeah You met and does it work? Yeah, it's but I but I think a friend of mine my friend Scott gave me the The best advice and I didn't follow it years ago because you what I think is like Have you've been to Jerry's deli? You're the third person who's brought up Jerry's deli in the past two weeks. Yes. No way. Okay, so I heard Jerry's deli closed I did I heard I can't where all the people gonna go The one of the valley I guess is still open, right? Oh, yeah, I yeah, I think they still have a bowling alley They said yes, yeah, it's by the bowling alley. No, they have a bowling alley. Yes, they have a bowling alley pins with a Z No, I think I would feel it if the one of the valley clothes, but it's so the menu at Jerry's deli is like overwhelming So I always feel like you have to be struck like you have to know what you want to eat And then go into the menu and find it. That's what I think at Jerry's deli So I'd sit the same with dating apps. I think like You like my friend Scott was like just know 99.9% of the people on there are Awful this is the internet and I was like, oh like that's and so at first I didn't think so because I I used I would feel bad like you know because based like if you're sitting at a bar and Okay, I'll get I'll put these in your your terms so you're sitting at at a bar and Cindy Crawford approaches you and Strikes up a conversation. Do you feel good or bad about yourself? If who walks up to me? Cindy Crawford She's a married woman. I would say get away from me go back go back to a single woman who Mr. Gerber is Cindy Crawford. I'm sorry. What's up to a single woman who looks a lot like Cindy Crawford? Beautiful walks up to you starts talking. How do you feel about yourself? I would say you should get that mole on your face looked at Okay, this example is not gonna work. I'd come up with somebody else Natalie Portman walks up to you, but a single woman who looks a lot like Natalie Portman walks up to you. I Would say you are a very attractive Jewish woman you and Scarlett Johansson are my two favorite Jewish women I would like to take you and Scarlett Johansson back to my apartment from a lot menage a choice, but since you're Jewish we'll make it a manage adieu. Oh Nice, thank you. Um So even though you blow it with her you probably feel pretty good about yourself that this beautiful woman If Natalie Portman walked up to me Okay, can I answer that question? Sure, okay somebody sent me a picture of me on the tonight show and Jay Leno is sitting to my left and Jennifer Gardner is clutching my arm. I will post this to my website Okay, and what was that sound? I we're under siege is the airplane Now it's past and Jennifer Gardner who I don't know if you know this, but she's very attractive Okay, I'm clutching my arm and I'm not making this up. She is saying you're such a nasty nasty man like flirtatiously Mm-hmm And I'm sending out signals of are you blind? Are you messing with me? Mm-hmm. What do you think you're looking at? not granted I was married and I Wasn't gonna act on it, but the and I knew that even if I try to act on it there would So she would either come to her senses or say I always talk to men this way What why did you miss read these signals? So if Jennifer Gardner or Cindy Crawford walked up to me and started flirting. I Immediately would say Obviously, I miss reading her signals Okay, so if someone who if a woman who looked like I don't want to be mean let's say Looked something like a character Ruth Buzzy would play Walks up to you. Mm-hmm. How do you feel about yourself good or bad? Well, or with look your low self-esteem. Are you like yeah, this makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense Well, let's go back. Let's go back to your place and hit me with your purse the way used to hit Artie Johnson Well, my point is on that I didn't make is on dating apps is I If you don't have in mind that 99% of the people are are gross then if 10 Like 10 creepy gross people would Message me or whatever and then I would I this is like 10 years ago. I would think like oh, I guess this is What I attract Like oh, I guess I'm not very appealing Or I guess this is my level and you can't go into it You have to like know who you are and what you want and just be like no no no no, okay like To look to find that unicorn that you like Do you find that? You go on a dating app and you see a picture of a guy and that picture informs how you Understand all the other pertinent details about the guy Like I'm filtering whatever I'm reading through that picture. Mm-hmm Um Maybe I guess I I do think The the picture thing affects guys Different than it does than it does girls that I've been told is no longer true that women Can be stimulated by porn that they can be stimulated visually. Oh, yeah, no, I We've always been told that's not the case. No, no, I feel like I think it's it's less a matter of you can be stimulated and more a matter of whether that's the priority And I still think for women that's not necessarily the priority And I think it kind of is still the priority for guys If that makes sense women, let me tell you something that women Women women are women are like cholesterol Okay, yeah, they're they dare you want them to go down on you They're right and they're murder on your heart And nobody will tell us the truth about cholesterol They say there's good cholesterol. There's bad cholesterol But the bad cholesterol may be good and the bad cholesterol might be bad or the good might be good and the bad We really don't know and we're gonna do all these studies and now, okay, we've absolutely determined that A lot of cholesterol is bad for you, but you should eat food That's high in cholesterol because it actually lowers your cholesterol That's what women are because we hear the same things about women that they Crazy nonsense. They don't care if a man is bald. They don't care what a man looks like Because but this is but here's the reason and I'll filter this down to to one thing because it is case by case like I don't I don't inherently I don't like bald guys, but this dude is kind of bald and I'm really I really like this guy So what do you mean you don't what do you mean you don't like bald guys? I don't like bald guys who likes bald guys nobody That's why I got hair plugs, right? What about hair plugs, but I don't but like some people are like, oh, I love bald guys because they were like You know had a An uncle who was bald. I don't know what but I didn't grow up from I don't inherently like bald guys What about a bald guy who shaves his head? But that's what I mean is like No, like across the board. I'm gonna say no But this guy is pretty much bald, but I like him so it's fine. Does that make sense? How important or look so that's that's not me being twisty weird, whatever that's me going It's other things are a priority for me looks are only important in they're not as a They're important in the sense of like I don't know you at all and there's a certain level of attractiveness I need to Think I could be attracted to you But it's not that high and it's more of like who you are in an interesting way like um Ultimate guy John Goodman Is he uh Brad Pitt? No, he's John Goodman What do you mean ultimate guy? What do you mean? Oh the best guy if I could have any guy When you think of like your your fame crush John Goodman, you're wrong No, you're wrong. I'm not wrong He doesn't fit the but he's not a he he's overweight. He doesn't fit He can't be No, he's the guy. He's the guy He's the guy so because he's so talented He doesn't fit the like oh hot guy, but any woman would want to be with bill Murray But I get bill I get bill Murray. I guess so it's like so it's like that It's like, you know generally if you go, hey, do you want a big giant fat guy? And you're like, I don't know But maybe I you know generally I don't know. I mean for me the answer is generally yes, but it's like But if you saw John Goodman Guy like my I like kind of a big fat funny guy But like my last boyfriend who I liked a lot and was with for years was very like lean and athletic So I just put up with it if What are you gonna stop taking care of yourself? But it was annoying because he was just kind of vain like I just want like a normal You know, like a nice guy with like a dad bod is like fine because it's like There's there's a cost to the person who like Looks really good. I find there's a like You're they're always late everywhere because they're They change clothes 10 times guys Yes Because I don't I don't date women generally the guys are changing clothes 10 times I don't change my clothes 10 times a month I know not you You would be a perfect guy for me I just want a guy who doesn't care what he looks like someone like you david Speaking of smell Shouldn't dating apps have smell a vision shouldn't you be able to smell a potential date before you go out with him? um I guess that would be ideal wouldn't it It's all about smell. I was interviewing an animal behaviorist last week and she says Before she decides whether or not to go out on a second date She will sniff the guy's neck um, okay I mean is is that straight up smell or is that like a pheromone chemistry? I guess the pheromones. Yeah, she's very Yeah, well, that's why like like I here was my experience with dating apps was like some Some people like this this last guy we had we had we messaged quite a bit um and Here's another reason. I think women there's maybe a reputation of They you know, they want to talk to you and flirt and stuff and then they don't want to go out on a date is I had I had Many situations of like you're talking to someone talking then they say something weird and gross and then you just stop talking to them So they they ended up being off-putting in some way that maybe men aren't working into that story I mean, you know And then she didn't go out with me Sure I asked I told her I liked to ask play but like I don't know why she had to be such a bitch about it. Like that's like I guess she just wanted to sit on the sofa and not date. It's like no like maybe That's why you have the messaging so you can go. Oh, can I you know Is something about you off to some guys start in with like, oh, hey, sweetie. Hey, baby gross No You don't assume a relationship that doesn't exist Or some guys go on too long and that's boring or they You know, one guy was like we were talking real real, you know, pretty good And I was like, oh, I would meet this guy and then he was like, oh my god. Can I um He was like, oh, you're a comedian. Can I go see a show? I just think it'd be so cool to know a comedian I was like by like just guys If you talk to them too long, they will say something that makes you not want to meet them. So how accurate How how accurate a barometer Is the text messaging? um, I think it's pretty accurate like Because you know if someone's bugging you or like if some like I've had stuff that like Maybe something in their texting was like hitting me weird But I was like, you know what I don't really know this person and then I met them and then that same thing I was like, yeah, there's something like Passive aggressive about the way they are and that's what I was sensing in the messages. So I got that what about teasing you Oh when guys tease because that I'm not into that but I'm also older Older women. I think it's not like I I can't believe I'm an older woman and I'm kind of bragging about it right now, but it's like I that's That's more of like a younger woman Awaited trick younger women So it's not appealing to annoy women teasingly not Not me But there was a time When yes that I only dated guys like that because it felt like banter and it felt like Like I wanted guys to like me so much that it it kind of actually like turned up the volume on me wanting this guy To like me, which is exactly what the the playbook says for like how to pick up women So it it it sadly like worked on me all the time Because you know if a guy was teasing about I don't know What then you know my reaction internally is like a giggle and like uh, oh then I better not do that anymore or whatever. It's sad But like a lot of younger women You want validation from men so much that like And then it's also like oh, he's kind of cool and aloof and now I want him anymore You know now I wanted more or whatever But as as a as an older woman, I'm just looking for like a dude to like You know watch tv with till we die So like I just want a nice man like Like hard to get or what like I I need a dude who like knows himself and is like loving open I'm interested in you can come out and say it can communicate like I I don't I've had so many bad experiences with because I've mostly just been attracted to like funny charming People and they're the worst. They're the worst people that partner with So I like to lay on the couch with my kindle for 12 hours at a stretch Oh my god, look up at a woman and say so hot to me I like to look up at the woman every four hours and say fetch me a seltzer from the fridge doll Uh-huh. Is that unattractive? You know what david? We're friends. So I don't want to flirt with you, but to me that's very attractive That would be like the greatest thing to me Is because I would be uh, yeah, because I would be like I would come back with something other than what you asked for And be like, why don't you here's this and you can also eat a dick and then we would And then I would go back to watching law and order and you're on kindle like I would kind of a great match But you didn't answer my question. Are you going to fetch the seltzer for me? I I might Because also you've been you've been good and like not bothering me for four hours, which I appreciate And then when you wave the seltzer in my face And you get between my eyes and the kindle with the seltzer and I say just put it on the on the table Dismissively Is that going to make you If when I when okay, if we're a couple and if when I bring you the seltzer It doesn't make you put the kindle down and want to make out with me then it's not going to work But if you're like, oh, you brought me the seltzer. Let's make out for a while then I would be like, okay, nice But I'm negging you by by saying put it on the table Women like that. It's a power thing Um, I'm playing with yourself. I'm playing with your self-esteem. Oh, yeah. Yeah, see that's not a yeah Again, that was great for me as a younger lady. I would be like Oh, I guess I should try harder to get this guy's attention because no one's dad really loved them, right? So I think women were always sort of trying to Get dad's attention through, you know, some dude I I'm gonna say something as as the father of daughters Yeah, and a divorced man Yeah I think my sister had a really great relationship With my father. I think that was pretty healthy. My father was pretty remarkable I know very few women who They always talk about men and their mommy issues I think some of the biggest problems in this world can be traced to Women and their unresolved daddy issues Oh, yeah Because I don't think I'm gonna get into trouble here But So far I'm on your side Um, I know I don't think Like I I guess I wanted to sleep with my mother and kill my father, right? I Yeah, I don't totally understand That well, you've never seen my mother other than intellectually. Oh, oh got it got it. Yeah But Women Freud the electric complex Freud kind of threw up his hands and said, I don't know. I don't know what they want Especially with their fathers Is that a fair is that fair to say that? Yeah, I would say if someone made me On a podcast talk about this I would say I So much of my adult moves are to get my dad's attention And I didn't know till later like I you don't know at the time you feel like you're an independent strong woman But a lot of it like it only occurred like you Years ago did I ever tell you the story that I was gonna hang on for one second? Let's pursue this for a second. Okay. Are you looking for a man who's like your father? No, not consciously But unconsciously I was looking for someone I kept dating people who had the same Interplay with me as my father which is Stupid which is aloof which is aloof like I like guys who like they like me so they're around but also they're kind of not around They're kind of one foot out the door, which was like kind of my dad But that's I should I mean unless you're Mackenzie Phillips's dad there are certain barriers between the father And the daughter right? I guess but I think I you know Maybe but like my friend katie for example her dad It was one of those like she was the apple of his eye Like his her dad was crazy about her and her sister And not in a gross way in a very sweet way and and love them and and she married someone the nicest guy Who was just like her dad? But not but and just this great guy and I like always looked at that relationship like oh my god, whereas I like Oh, this guy's kind of funny Like my dad this guy's kind of funny And he he kind of likes me, but I like I have to really work work for it Like he doesn't like tell me to leave but he's not really all it like and it was it was only later Like it's only after like 20 years of doing that that You know you kind of realize like oh shit like Like I basically had to realize like I'm never gonna be loved by my dad The way I wanted to be loved by my dad and I just had to go. Well, that's fine then And like acknowledge it I think for me for me. I had to just be like Yeah, you're never gonna get that love from your dad like it's over like you had your childhood Like you're not gonna get re-loved by your father. So it was like oh all right travel around the world He did the best he could I travel I've been to places around the world. I don't Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Did you ever have I want to use this word an affair In another country in another country No, you never had a foreign affair. I know I didn't I think Americans have a very transactional Relationship with love and sex. Oh, yeah. No, I think um You you scratch my back. I'll scratch yours kind of thing. Yeah, I think we're real weird about it for sure Because I also can't I can't overcome my whole culture But yes, we're very much like sex is like a much bigger deal Hello, yeah, I'm listening. Oh, yeah sex is like a much bigger deal and um We had sex. What does that mean? Are you mine forever? What's I don't want to make a wrong move here. What's going on? Like no, it's a very neurotic kind of Needy weird thing for sure. And yet we're told there's this whole hook-up culture out there Where people are having sex with no consequences. Yeah, which is probably The way you're supposed to do it Are we I don't know. I mean I to me all I don't have the answers I'm more of like I just had to figure out what made sense for for me Like what I'm looking for and then I was really lucky and that I found I I like sort of tuned into what I was looking for and then I seemed to have found it. Well, we'll see, you know time will tell How long were you married? I was married four and a half years And then my last relationship was longer like six Hmm People change Oh, yeah, for sure also people Some people change more than others like I think some people are in more like Like I'm more prone to change because I'm like a right. I'm like an artist. I guess one could say like a creative professional creative person so I'm more apt to change and then like Some people in some professions and I just assume that You know, that's The same all over and some people are sort of more prone to change than other Before we talk about how to hate yourself trump and handmaid's tale I want to get back to smell Yeah This animal behavior. Oops like keep hitting the uh Ms. Verdel and she's a Professor we had her on I think last week she said that since women have been on the birth control pill It is altered their smell Their ability to smell And when they go off The birth control pill They smell differently and they're attracted to different types of men in other words when women Are on the birth control pill They are attracted to the wrong men I that's fascinating And once they get off it then they are attracted To genetically the right men the the men that can provide them with the right chromosomes and DNA To make the right kind of child Oh, wow. What a um terrible side effect I'm not joking around. No, I I I believe you and it's it seems like a terrible side effect That totally makes sense Okay Tell me about how to hate yourself Don't you want to know what this guy does? He's a professional jazz trumpeter The guy you're going at with yes, is this la la land? Yes I'm an actress. He's a jazz I love jazz. Well, of course you do you're boring He's a jet he's a jazz. Yeah, he is. Where does he play? He plays um, he plays all over he plays in lots of uh, he's in several bands and um, he's um He's in the band oingo boingo. Maybe you've heard of them. Are you kidding me? No He is a regular gig downtown on a fancy restaurant rooftop once a week and yeah, he really is like He's traveled he's traveled all over the world Playing jazz trumpet and trumpet is like incredibly difficult to play and yeah, he's really neat. Is he a good kisser? Yeah, a big jesus. Yeah his whole his his whole umbercher Yeah, it all every Most of his focus of his entire life has been put right in that area. Yeah, it's very impressive. Hmm Yeah, he's uh great nice nice guy Yeah, so And because because he plays the hang on hang on. Let me take I got one for one second. Yeah, hang on. Let me take a sip of coffee Okay Here we go He plays the trumpet. So he's always horny Oh boy You can have that You can have that one Thank you Let's call him right now I would date a jazz trumpeter No, it's really cool because it's something I don't know anything about I never had any interest in it, but it's this Sophisticate, you know, it's this man with this sophisticated culture You know that he's developed about himself It's he's really neat, but also just it. Yeah, just a nice seems like a good guy again What are you thumping there? There's some thumping sound going. I don't know it That I'm sorry. I touched the cord. You've got to calm down Do you talk that way to ongoing boy and go man? No, I don't and what does ongoing boy and go mean? I get I get himself sir If he asked and calls me would you say baby doll? If he calls me doll I bring him liquids Do you know what I I've never called a woman babe sugar, honey I guess that's it it doesn't suit you. No, it doesn't Sarge I call women sorry. No, that's good. Yeah, lieutenant Lieutenant How to hate yourself that's anything military pretty sexy colonel if you're feeling feeling it Hey captain All the sexy nicknames no way talking about they're just laying there all the all the military fun nicknames Uh I miss long a long-term relationship just because you know all the inside jokes and Oh gosh. Yeah, and all the things you're not supposed to say that you get to say because you both agree This isn't the thing you're supposed to say so you say it Oh, it's so funny. Um, yeah, I um Yeah, I'd like to have that That's what I want to have If you went out with me, I might treat you to an orgasm in which I scream at the top of my lungs I wish you were your sister Hmm I of all things I would be I don't have a sister. So I would just I could probably handle that better than most I might be like wait, you're who's who did you say your sister? How about this? Making love to you and I go Name Name Laura thank you But that's like I have good self-esteem. So I wouldn't be like, oh, he didn't know my name. I'd be like, well, this dementia's really kicking out today I'm just choking around. So tell me about like felt months Dementia is really on fire today. Are you funny when you're having sex? Yeah It turns out It turns out I am but in my last relationship boy, he would just get mad if you would just be like Could you just stop doing that? It's not I was like, oh Like god forbid you're like playful You know or whatever and so I I found that's something I really Have to have I'm very by the way, I'm a very Joke coming here we here it's here comes the joke I'm very generous during love making I I'm very I always say to the woman first here. Would you like to have the belt around your neck first? Mm-hmm before I put the belt around my neck Mm-hmm. Where was the joke? It was the oh, okay I see what it was. Oh the belt thing was the belt. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I get it now How was your memorial day today's memorial day? Uh good. I don't I don't do a lot for memorial day. I'll be honest Um So It's fine I'm having what I think of as a as a pretty much a regular monday I went to my sisters last night Mm-hmm and to open presents Yes, and they had they had fireworks for memorial memorial dave for memorial era of memorial day for they had fireworks I uh It doesn't thrill me I thought this is what it's like in syria every day Right. Oh your your sister's house Just the sound of the fireworks is oh very militaristic and I thought what do we With trump, it's just scary I think so many things are like but you're a big supporter. You love avonka You you always talk about how she speaks for you and Also, what I appreciate is is melania staying out of the way Do you know what I mean? Like give him some room to work Good for her Like she knows she would just be in the way And she's like i'll just live in another state. It's fine. Does she have her behind them? Like that's what a woman is supposed to do. Does she have her own agency? And I don't mean modeling. I mean does she Have any freedom Could she leave him or she trapped? It's so hard to say I I maybe there's like If we can boil this down to two points of view, which obviously there's more of the Look, here's here's the real truth Of that Family and the trump administration in that situation. Here's here's what it's really like Like i'll take what it looks like and i'll tell you what's really happening And then there are like the pundits and stuff who are like, I know this is There's nothing is it's exactly what it looks like Like it's exactly Some people are like this is exact. He does not know what he's doing. There is not a plan This it is exactly what it looks like. Um, I think it is. I think it's exactly what it looks like Yeah, i'm asking you about malania Yeah, but that's what I mean is like I personally am and so I'm perplexed by Everything about this man and everything around him. So I I don't know. I mean I thought I I've been wrong about everything like I thought uh, if anyone would maybe Um, break what do they call it break? Uh, when you break away Break ranks. Um, it would be tiffani Like what does she got to lose like she he treats her like shit anyway Anyway, and like you would get so much money in book deals or whatever you wouldn't need your dad's whatever he can give you So, um, which is another You know, I would have to assume daddy issues are really at work in the women around this this dude She's got she's going to georgetown law school. She's getting right into the thick of it I guess but I mean it because she's the one that's sort of almost publicly kind of out stood by By that like Like part of it but not really part of it and she doesn't seem that into it You know, she's not like, you know, toe in the party line like her sister So it just to me like I was hoping tiffani would be like, you know what he's a real piece of shit or whatever but like No, and then milani like I I don't Because it's like could she could she leave and and be free? Yes, but but could she do that mentally? I don't know like Like, okay. I wanted to be divorced for here's my only similarity that I can think of I my marriage when I was married it it did not work like from the beginning. I was like, oh No, like he was like, we should go live with my mom Like all these insane things were said that I was like what like that I just didn't I didn't think A person would say or do or want so I was completely unprepared for who this person really was And he just thought life was done now that we were married like that was the end not like the beginning and I asked literally I asked the priest who married us for an annulment And he was like, oh, you know, it's just hard in the beginning. I complained to my mom. Oh, it's tough in the beginning I wanted out And I stayed Because like, oh, maybe it is hard in the beginning. Maybe I I do just have to put maybe his spine Maybe I would like I stayed for so many then my mom was diagnosed with cancer and then I had this other thing to Deal with and then but like after my mom died um One year later one year and one day after my mom died I woke up and I was like I can just go And I did but it had never honestly. I am I am Smart, I went to college. I read pretty good But it had never actually occurred to me. Oh, I can just go Until that moment was the you know, like, um That was the the only way I could actually do it was when it actually, you know, sort of occurred to me So I I feel like Milani is probably in so deep into something or other I don't know that it That she's thinking about leaving. Is there anything attractive that she doesn't seem like it Is there anything that you would find attractive To about donald trump. I I think that you can Convince yourself to fall in love with somebody. I'm reading the biography Of prince charles and he said He thought diana was cute enough. I could fall in love with her. I could make myself fall in love with her Is there anything a woman could do to make themselves fall in love with donald trump? Yeah, I I think so. I mean, I think there I have been in the presence of A powerful rich Ugly mean man. I was I was a little turned on And there's and there's another woman who who worked for the same guy Who talked about like primarily it was so because she didn't like him But primarily she was like drawn to him because he's so alpha And I was like, yeah, I I get it. So like there is something about the presence of the bad guy Yeah, and and a bad guy and a really confident guy and um also um Are women capable of being attracted to a sociopath? When they when the yeah when they know he's a sociopath that when they're surprised I think so because I you Have you wow I've I've had relationships where only later. I realized I was uh like It only made sense to me when I realized I was being gas gas lighted Um, but otherwise like I'm a cape you've met me. I you think I'm smart enough But like I was being gas lighted by this guy like I want to believe it. So I'm believing it And you know, even though a lot of this action doesn't really support that he cares about me that much like but he says he does So, okay, like I I think absolutely You also depends on like the the holes in your soul, you know that you that you're born with or that you had as a kid you know like like For example, this rich powerful dude the people who seem to work around him a lot It just seemed to fit some Thing they came with like it didn't seem to be like something they figured out it seemed to be like No, no, this is a thing I can deal. You know, my dad yelled a lot or you know, whatever it was that it it it their prickliness Filled in some gaps for them or you know was familiar or something in some way they could deal so Yeah, I I think you can be also people say when you talk to him one-on-one is very charming. So I Are you talking about trump trump? Yeah, so that's like A problem like that's kind of why I you know another word for charming is manipulative And like I've I used to just want to be with a charming guy and just have fun Great banter all the time and now I'm like, oh, they're just they're just lying They're terrible people charming. Well, isn't it something like one out of four humans are sociopaths Is that true? I think it's something like that I would figure one out of four People are sociopaths and one out of four people are charming. I would assume they're the same people Probably right because they're said you're one out of four regular people are sociopaths You've got to figure the much higher for politicians right politicians actor anybody who like makes their living To the degree that people like them Yeah, that's a crazy person that you don't want to be with I Think women change I think they have I think they have seasons to their life. I think they have seasons to their month I don't think men change. I think they get tired That I that's very interesting. I I agree with you so far. I am the same person. I was I'm the same person. I was when I was 16. I'm just tired Really? I think so I think the energy less willing to put up with stuff less willing to Bend or that sort of thing. I have the same drive the same anxiety the same neuroses The same nagging doubts, but they're all tired Okay, so that voice that voice that used to go you're nothing you're nothing you're nothing now goes You're nothing It's tired You're nothing but you know You're gonna be nothing when you wake up. Yeah Yeah, the voice that's that's my how to hate yourself show is about that voice I never thought of it. It gets tired as you get tired. That's how me about the how how to hate yourself show What it was that the improv sold out you're doing them once a month It looks like it. Yeah, um two years ago. I did how to hate yourself as a solo show and it was just like my stories um, I kind of do like Two things of like me as me telling stories, and then I book I sort of bookended it with like Me is like almost like a like a send up of a motivational speaker or whatever of You know, like but I'm teaching you how to hate yourself with like great tips, you know, like Like notice people who are better than you like just you know, like stuff Stuff people can really use what is the format of the show? If I were to go to the improv and see it It looks like a stand-up show. So the the format of the show is I I come out. I um sort of instill people with the philosophy I don't really do like a big character, but it's the idea of like, you know That little voice inside of doubt and shame and you've done all this stuff to get rid of it But it comes back Why does it come back because that voice is right? So let's just embrace it and like And then I I give some talks about like, you know, I found some great ways to hate, you know Great techniques that can help you hate yourself like some people for example are like Stuff is going well and they're like, well, how can I hate myself? Because things are going pretty good for me right now and I'm like, oh no, there's always a way you can hate yourself For example, you just lost 10 pounds and you feel really good about it Wasn't 20 Now you can feel bad like double what you don't have Double what you don't have Oh, I just Dude, there's always something to compare it to or um You know, if you see a tesla, you should feel bad. You don't have a tesla. They're better than you like there's if you're So if you're george cluny, how can you feel bad? Right? How can you hate yourself of your george cluny? Well, you're not bill gates Your wife is your your wife is taller than you are There's always something And my mind is particularly gifted at finding it so I can help you I can help anyone hate themselves So um, I do a thing and then I like tell a story or do a bit or you know Or whatever about how to hate yourself and then I introduce people and comics and storytellers So people some people do more or less stand up under the topic of how to hate yourself like Stories or when it's come up or whatever and some people like tell a big story that might be sadden parts or whatever like Tony comeen is a great comedian and he does not tell stories and he was like, I don't know if this is funny at all But of course it is he's great Um, but he told this story Of like just being a kid and his dad made him play baseball and it was terrible and you know, like His he he faked a bike accident to like get a girl's attention And like catch up on to look like blood This whole thing to like and like wrecked his bike like in her car And then she just ran in the house without even paying attention and then he He went and like knocked on the door and then his her mom was like, oh come on. You had an accident. Oh, no Yeah, come in come in. Um, and then she was like I saw everything I saw everything and he's like So like There's I just think everybody has you know this fucked up voice in their head Um, so yeah, so self loathing Self loathing. Yeah, self. Yeah, but what is self loathing patriotic? Isn't that the american way aren't we supposed to hate ourselves so we consume To fill that void that's interesting because the message is so like Proud to be an american but yes the the reality of being an american is You should always be buying something to feel better It's not enough to just be an american, right? Right now. I always say I don't hate myself I hate others but then other people say well you hate others because you hate yourself and I say no, I'm pretty sure I just hate you Yeah, I think that's fair. Greg barron went up and talked about that. He was like, I don't know if I hate myself I definitely hate other people and that was fun, too So it's but so by the end of it and people, you know I I have storytellers and comics and and sometimes singers and stuff And by the end of the night, it's neat because p and then I do, you know, I host the show So like by the end of the night, it's it's a little deeper than than stand up But also it's been really funny and instead of just to me self loathing is like when you don't identify That it's a voice doing this thing You're just like, oh, I legitimately hate I hate myself. How many comedians Hate themselves Oh, I gotta say a hundred percent probably I think I think I think that when I started doing comedy I hated myself But over time I the audience and my then wife healed me. I think if you can get enough love thrown your way You can be humanized Yeah, I I think so, too. But also you said you didn't change But now you just said you went from hating yourself to to to not hating yourself Which is a big change Yeah, I I think the audience I think they help you It's sad that you need an audience, but they do know that's a it's a very extreme thing to Need people to applaud till you feel better It is it's it's when anybody's been like, oh you do stand up. That's so brave. I'm like, is it It seems much more like a needy mental illness, but yeah, and I'm doing it in a way I'm gonna piss you people off I'm gonna say horrible things Like, you know, my father killed 70 Japanese during world war two He never talked about it because it was inside an internment camp in california I mean like a horrible horrible Like now now do you love me? Why don't you love me? I just said my father killed 75 I mean, it's really sick. I mean I can remember being on the road and doing jokes about tenting The fetus's head when I was making love to my pregnant wife and going Why didn't that joke work? Why don't they love me and my friend my friend going because you just talked about poking your child in the head With your penis most normal people think that's offensive And I'm going but but it's not true. It's not true It doesn't matter. You were thinking that It's so valid. Um, I saw you on stage and you know, we go back to your being on the road and you were in austin But I saw you on stage and I remember like So you're doing pretty good. It was just like a regular. It was a wednesday or thursday Just like a right wasn't like a big weekend night and um so You know an okay crowd, but like it was going good for like Like a half hour And then you you said something like you're I forget the joke exactly but how you're um, you know, you're like your kid Makes art with you know String or macaroni or whatever, you know some shitty kid art and you were like but when I make a tie out of human hair I'm the bad guy Right I forgot that I can't remember Something about there's no Tie out of human hair and you're like But like but I can't do I Yeah, something like my kid comes home and goes mommy I made a sculpture of abraham Lincoln out of macaroni and everybody goes Oh, look how cute and beautiful that is but I come home with a tie made out of human hair and i'm sick Yes, now you said something like that and there was like a And you and you addressed it because I was sitting there learning from you and louis black and all the comics And like and that's all I cared about indy can learn had some great ones And uh, and you were like you've been here. I understand if this was the first joke. I told You've been here for half hour enjoying Laughing But suddenly you go. Oh, he must have really done that I Like what's wrong with you? You were like You were just like And I was like that's so great like You can buy into The of course I'm making all this up. It's just funny weird wrong things to say and then suddenly you're like Oh, you shouldn't make a tie out of human hair. That's that's a not good That's not a proper thing a human does people remind me of jokes that I've done On stage and they're always the jokes that never work And and and they're the ones that make me laugh the hardest I there is a joke that I did in vegas one night According to somebody reminded me of this joke And I tried this joke three times that it never worked it's me In vegas and I said, you know, I went to the mustang ranch or the bunny land ranch And I grabbed a prostitute by the neck started squeezing and said Let me know when I get to three hundred dollars What's the only thing that's funny about that is That I told that At like a fancy casino Oh my god thinking Well, certainly they know that I would never do that Right that I'm playing a character who's mentally ill The difference between Louis Black and Andy kindler and me is you can go to Louis Black and say well, this joke didn't work They didn't get it. I don't know or they weren't smart enough and you can say to Andy kindler. It was too esoteric with me You can say usually it didn't work because they got it And they think you're an idiot Like why would you tell that joke? They got it. They usually When a joke doesn't work I know that they got it But they don't want to give it up for a guy Squeezing a prostitute's neck and saying let me know when I get to three hundred dollars. Yeah I didn't even understand any of that because to me it's like, you know, you're at a comedy show Like he's not a guy sitting next to you on a plane Just telling you what he did last night. Like it's a comedy show. You have a microphone in your hand Yeah, I've never but but also I love comedy and like people who go to comedy shows Are most likely You know casual comedy goers, you know, like sure. I like comedy, you know, it's it's not They're number one thing. They like so they're not like you build up like such an immune system To comedy that you need more and more wrong You know, I just realized you know, I just You know, I just we have to wrap it up. But you know, I just realized about myself and talking to you what They're they're these husbands who are happily married. They have kids They're active in the church. They have a great job They carpool they mow the lawn and then every Tuesday night At three in the morning they sneak out go to the bus station and do something horrible To a runaway and then they come home Oh, okay And I think that's who I am with my comedy I'm on the right page when it comes to politics morality. I don't gamble. I don't drink I don't do drugs. I don't chase women. I don't cheat. I don't lie. I pay my taxes I'm a good decent hard working honest human being Every week or two. I'll go on my show or greg fit Simmons and Say, you know, I put my hands around a prostitute's neck and said stop me when I get to 300 bucks And then I get on with my life It's my one little thing. That's your thing. I I I'm a terrible um I can only enable you I can only enable you with it because I'm like good for you. I say I say It's okay to say horrible things. Don't do horrible things Laura house. How do people follow you? This was so much fun It was this very good. This was a good. This was a good lazy memorial day conversation This was This was good. You learned about yourself. Um, yeah, uh, twitter. I'm laura house. I am I'm laura house uh laura house.com is the website and um There's videos and stuff on there. It's fun. Spend the day spend the day at laura house.com great Stay on the line We're gonna wrap it up. Thank you. Laura