 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the four questions to ask to improve your relationship. The four questions to improve your relationship. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you're being notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two is in your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian. So my advice is contrary to both public opinion and traditional expectations. So I ask again, just give it a chance to see if it resonates with you. All right, let's talk about the four questions to improve your relationship with them. You know, one of the things, oh, really quickly, before I get into this video, I wanna say that this video was birthed off of a TikTok video I watched. And it was interesting because it directly relates to the work that I've studied for years by the Gottmans. And if you're not familiar with John and Julie Gottman, Dr. John and Julie Gottman, I highly recommend checking them out, G-O-T-T-M-A-N-S, the Gottman Institute. Great place for learning and understanding couples, relationships, communication skills and everything. So this was birthed from that video. And one of the number, one of the fundamentals of a healthy, happy relationship is good communication skills. And repeat that, one of the fundamentals for a good relationship is good communication skills. And yet sadly, most human beings have weak communication skills at best. And quite frankly, most human beings have weak emotional skills and relationship skills. And if you're not familiar with my guide on this, I'm gonna pull it up really quickly. But if you look at this little guide here, by the way, it says emotional maturity and relationship skills. And by the way, at the bottom, this asterisk says, this is not a fact, this is an opinion. But I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. I mean, they're borderline, they're bipolar, they are narcissists, maybe they're even sociopath. And this is again, my perception. And then roughly about 20% of the population has healthy skills. And when I say 20%, I'm being ridiculously generous. It's probably closer to three or four or 5%. And then the vast majority of the population is in this dysfunctional realm, and by the way, most of the people listening this, everybody thinks they're good at communication skills, but I can share with you, after witnessing things over and over and over again, most human beings have poor communication skills at best. In fact, if you're not familiar with the showtime, if you have cable and you have showtime, there's a show called Couples Therapy, Couples Therapy. And it's fascinating, and it's by the way, hidden cameras on legit couples therapy. This isn't, even though it's reality TV, it's not like a Kardashian kind of like drama based TV. But it's interesting to witness both the men and women have poor skills at communicating to their partner. And it takes a therapist to kind of sift through the muck to figure out what each one of them is saying so they can hear one another. So today I'm gonna lean into the deeper conversation because what oftentimes causes a lot of angst in relationship is the pink elephant in the room, the things that don't go discussed, the stuff that gets buried under the rug. And I'm sure you've experienced this. I know I've experienced, I've bitten my tongue when it comes to expressing myself in a relationship. And I'm sure you've done the same. In fact, it's one of the reasons why when I wrote my book, what the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? Here's what the book looks like. It's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. There's a link below to get a copy of the book. Chapter one is speak your truth, do it with kindness. And yet sadly, ladies, and I say this to you because so many of you are afraid to speak up in a relationship for fear of scaring a guy away. I'm gonna repeat that. Many of you are scared to speak up in relationship for fear of scaring a guy away. Quite frankly, if you read my book on chapter nine, chapter, what is that? Chapter nine, chapter nine is if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right guy. So what I'm about to share today and the four questions to ask to improve your relationship is all designed to improve communication between the two of you, to improve intimacy. And intimacy simply means into me you see, into me you see. And so before I do share it, I do have a quick story to illustrate the importance of leading by example. And ladies, if you follow my work, you know, I often say women are the emotional containers of the relationship. You are in charge of your relationship destiny, not a man. And yet many of you give up your power to men. And by the way, and men are terrible leaders of relationship and anyone who says otherwise is usually an egotistical or controlling man because egotistical and controlling men love to control the relationship based on their, you know, basically putting you at their beck and call. And I'm assuming you want a co-creative relationship, something that's a partnership where the two of you can actually merge together in a healthy, happy way. So the story I wanna share with you happened to be, I was in a significant relationship after my divorce. This was some years ago. And she's a doctor, a therapist. She even had her own TV show at one time, Straight from the Heart. And as our relationship progressed, we collaborated with one another and we actually had a chance to do a speaking gig. We live in Los Angeles and we flew up to San Francisco for a speaking gig. And the topic was called, We Need to Talk, Bring Up the Touchy Subjects. And what I'm sharing this with you is the night before our speaking gig was gonna be in front of hundreds of people, we got into a terrible fight. We got into a terrible fight with one another. And one of those where you could literally in our hotel room, you could have heard us 10 rooms down the hall. I mean, it was bad. And I don't even wanna get into the particulars of what happened. But she was ready to get on an airplane to leave and we were supposed to speak the next morning. So it occurred to me, I was going to have to shift the energy in the room. And what I mean to say is I had to lead by example, whether it's a man or woman doing this, I invite everybody to lead by example. Let me share with you what I did. I took a pause, I put my hand to my heart, I took a deep breath and I said, "'Sweetheart, let me share with you five things I'm most grateful for about you. Let me share five things I'm most grateful for about you." And as I shared each one, it was coming from my heart. And the minutes went by, I could see the ice, the armor around her start to melt away. And when I got to the fourth and the fifth one, I could feel that we were connecting back with one another. And when I shared the fifth one, I invited her to also share what she's most grateful for about within me. Now, why I'm sharing this is by the time she got to the fourth and fifth one, her armor really was, her armor was off. And we were able to communicate in a healthier way. And in fact, we recovered from it, we went out and did our speaking gig and that ended up being the topic because our topic was we need to talk bringing up the touchy subject. So why am I sharing this with you? Whether it's a woman or a man leading by example, these four questions are critical for improving your relationship if you feel like your relationship is stuck, if you feel like you wanna create deeper intimacy with your partner. And this isn't gonna be with somebody that you just started dating. This is gonna be with someone you probably have had a hundred hours of face to face time together because you built the first layer of trust together. And usually, you know, after the honeymoon phase, after the lust phase, after the limerence phase is when little things start to surface. So what I'm gonna share with you today will help improve your relationship and I wanna encourage better communication by using these as an example and then I'm gonna recommend another book to you. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses and these are my notes, bump, bump, bump. All right, so four questions to improve your relationship. No, so number one is in what way can I improve upon as a partner? In what way can I improve upon as a partner? So when you're asking this of a man, and by the way, I wanna encourage that when you offer this up, you also invite the opportunity for them to communicate as well. So this is a two lane street. This isn't an interrogation or as a way to get down on your partner. This is a way to improve communication. So you might wanna say in what way can I improve upon as a partner? This is a great question because what it's asking is I might have some blind spots in my life on how I operate in our relationship and I would love to have a dialogue so I can improve the way I can be a better partner in the relationship. And it also invites, just like when I invited her to share her gratitude, it invites him to do the same because quite frankly, don't you want to have a co-creative relationship where you're building something together instead of the traditional narrative that most of you are on is where you're winging it. You're winging it, you're winging it. Most of you guys are winging it because you have no sense of the components and the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And if you follow my work, you know, I repeatedly talk about a book, again, by the Gottmans called Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman and why I recommend this book. It's the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. Nobody taught us this shit when we were growing up. Our parents oftentimes were terrible role models or they did their best quite frankly. And you know, what we watch on TV and Disney and movies doesn't count either. So none of us were really taught the basic understanding of the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. Now the challenge is that most people are seeking companionship and sex, companionship and sex. Most men are seeking companionship and sex without the understanding of the whole mechanics to what it takes to actually build a genuine partnership with one another. And if you're not familiar with the book by Gary Zukoff, I highly recommend checking out the book Spiritual Partnership so you can start operating from a completely different way. And what I mean is a co-creative way. Instead of this winging it, or most of you women, you expect men to be the leaders of relationship and why would you want to give them that job? They're terrible at it given that the number one search term for you women is why are men commitment phobic? Why do men ghost and why do men disappear? Why would you want to give your job to the least qualified candidate? You're purchasing these books at a much greater level than most men. So coming back to the original, the first question is how can I improve upon as a partner? Again, it's an opportunity to ask your partner what blind spots don't I see in myself? What blind spots don't I see in myself? Number two, do you have any needs that you feel are being neglected? Do you have any needs that you feel are being neglected? Here's the thing. Men and women's, let me reframe that. Two individuals can have completely different needs in the relationship. When I say completely, they can have some needs that are similar and some needs that are rather different from one another. It might be, for example, you might need more or your partner might need more communication on a regular basis to feel more secure in the relationship. That might be a need, okay? By the way, usually a need is an unresolved thing within yourself, but that's a little too deep for this conversation. But for those who get me, there's a difference between a need and a desire. And I will say though, a need oftentimes is an unresolved thing within ourselves. And yet through our relationships, we can actually heal some of those unresolved needs. But coming back to the question, are there any needs you feel being neglected? So from the guy's perspective, it might be I'd like to have more sex on a regular basis. I know I asked that of one of my partners some years ago and I realized we were in two different stratospheres when it came to sex. She thought sex was great three times a week and I wanted it three times a day. Big difference, okay? Because we saw each other on average, this was when I was 10 year younger. So I had a little bit more of a libido, but I expressed myself and we did find a collaborative way of getting to at least my needs being met more and that fit into her, I'll call it availability, but that relationship blew up so it doesn't really matter. Okay, so do you have any needs that you feel are being neglected? That's number two. Number three, is there something I've done that you're still hurt over? What do you need from me to help you heal? I'm gonna repeat that. Is there something I've done that you're still hurt over? What do you need from me to heal? I'm gonna share with you. I got this one when I used to belong to a couple's group and in our partner, in our couple's therapy sessions, one of the things we had was what's called a withhold, a withhold. What that means is there's something I'm holding back and it was an opportunity to share what I was withholding from my partner without no repercussions. The idea is when you share a withhold, there's no judgment, there's no criticism, there's no contempt, there's no stonewalling, there's no defensiveness. In fact, those are the four horsemen of the apocalypse, what I just shared. It's an opportunity to share from a safe place. So coming back to this question, is there something I've done that you're still hurt over? What would you need from me to help you heal? These are great communication questions to build deeper intimacy with your partner. Most of you folks are absolutely winging it out there and your communication is basically, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Oh, you've been on my mind. I've been thinking about you. I hope you have a really good day. I mean, so many of you have surface conversations based on the surface things going on in your life instead of the deeper intimate questions that builds closeless closeness with one another. This is why I highly recommend checking out the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This should have entitled Compassionate Communication. In addition, I always recommend the book by Barbara DeAngelo is How to Make Love All the Time, How to Make Love All the Time, because this is a golden nugget. This is your golden ticket to creating deeper intimacy with your partner. And yet I know many of you are struggling because you're dating total strangers. You barely know something about the other person. This is why I've got a brand new book I just ordered for myself. It's called Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. The subtitle, I have to put on my glasses, is what we should know about the people we don't know. What should we know about the people we don't know? Folks, it's time to go deeper. It's time to get radically honest with yourself and in this relationship realm. Because look it, you can go fucking around all day long going out on one date after another, after another, having sex with a guy and then doing it all over again, and what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. And this is why I'm offering some ways to view relationships in a more healthier way. And the fourth and final question to ask, what can I do to help you feel more loved? What can I do to help you feel more loved? And this opens up to that deeper intimacy we talked about. Folks, I'm here to say that the reason why most relationships don't succeed, because there's a lack of deep intimacy with one another. And I don't mean the penis and the fucking vagina intimacy, that's sexual intimacy. I'm talking about emotional intimacy, feeling safe with one another on an emotional level. And when you dig deeper earlier on, you have a greater chance for success. This is why I recommend all these books to shift from the stupid rules-based way of dating and start dating from a more heart-centered space. And if you're not familiar with the book, If the Buddha Dated, if the Buddha dated, folks, I want you to stop this stupid masculine and feminine energy bullshit and start treating each other like human beings when we start, listen, when we let go of the narrative of men are supposed to do this and women are supposed to do this and how about I'm a human being and you're a human being, how can we do things better together? Let me repeat that. I'm a human being, you're a human being, how can we do things better together? Instead of set, we are so set up for failure based on the masculine and feminine energy perspectives. And I'm here to say, ah, I want to throw up because I want human beings to operate from their sovereign place, from their self-confident place, from their self-reliance, self-worth, self-loving place because that has a greater chance for relationship success. And I'm going to offer one more bonus question that I didn't say in my title. Here's a bonus thing I want to offer you up when you're in relationship with someone. It's something I used to do with my ex-partner and we used to call it venting or processing, venting or processing. So let's just say my partner wanted to vent. What she would say, she just wanted me to listen, okay? She just wanted me to listen. Ladies, I know you want your men to listen, so why don't you use a primer to help this process along? So when she wanted me to listen, she would say, Jonathan, could you hold the basket? Could you hold the basket? And what she meant, and this is from Allison Armstrong's work, what she meant was I'm going to throw up, I want you to catch it all and then we're going to be done with it. I repeat that. Can you hold the basket? Meaning I'm going to throw up all this shit, I just want you to listen and then we're done with it. That was the venting piece. The processing piece meant that she wanted my advice. She wanted my advice. So she would say, hey, look, can I process something with you? Can I process something with you? That means she was going to share something where she wanted my opinion, she wanted my advice. And when we use this technique together, this helps so much from the bullshit that a lot of you women trap us men into is you just want us to listen, but we're trying to fix things. So if you want to improve your communication skills, can you hold the basket or can I process with something with you? And that's a great way to begin communication when you want to get something off your chest or you want help with something. All right, so that's the bonus, the fifth one that I threw in here today. All right, those are the four questions to improve your relationship. If you're watching the broadcast live, you know that I have a chat box where you can ask questions. So if you have a question to ask of me right now, it's time for Q and A, simply post the word question and then write the question there after or you could purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies of the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of Connor right there when he graduated high school and that's a picture of him there with his brother Colin. My son is the one who passed away a few years ago if you're not familiar with this and in his honor, I created a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those who are seeking help from me or and or to donate to the charities of my choice. They're really great personal development workshops like the Hoffman processor Insight, just to name a few. So if you purchase a super sticker super chat post that would go to the scholarship fund. Again, if you're listening to the recording of this you won't be able to see any of this. All right, it's time to take questions. Are you ready? All right, so let's go swim in. Let's see what we have here in the Q&A box. Janet said, hey Janet, big hugs to you. She says, another great topic to learn. Thank you so much Janet, I appreciate that. All right, let's see if you have a question post the word question and write the question thereafter makes it easier for me to find. I wanna say hello to everyone so far. So let's see what we have in the Q&A board. Here we go, Christy writes, question. Do you think you would ever modify your standards to be a little more lenient to increase your odds of being in a relationship, do you think? So, are you asking me personally or just in general? Because those who know me know my standards look something like this. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both emotional and physical intimacy leading to either living together or getting married. That's my standard of what I seek in a relationship. I mean, do I have to have three or four? Anything less than that to me? I mean, like there's seven days in the week, I figure half of my time at a minimum should be with my partner, not 24 seven, but at least half or more of my time should be with a partner. So I don't wanna give that up. Social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, that's how you build the deep rich friendship with someone, so I don't wanna give that up. Intimacy, look, I wanna fuck my partner's brains out on a regular basis, so I don't wanna give that up. So I don't know where I could be too lenient on my standards and I don't think my standards are too high. So long as we're both mutually attracted to one another and we both have a curious mind and we both are affectionate towards one another, nope, I don't think I'm gonna compromise on my standard, Christy, but I do thank you for the question, I really appreciate it. So, and I hope the way I described it gives you some insight into how to view it for yourself. So decide, your standards are also, don't forget, your standards is one side of the coin, standards. The other side of the coin is your boundaries, is your boundaries, and your boundaries is what's okay and what's not okay for me. I'm gonna repeat that, what's okay and what's not okay for me. So just like what we just talked about in this topic today, what's most important is healthy communication with one another, expressing your needs, wants, and desires in a way that you're seen, heard, and understood. So if a boundary is established, meaning this is what I desire and someone has a different way of looking at it, well then we come to a compromise and a compromise is simply a trade-off. It says, I'm gonna trade this for something else and that's okay too to compromise depending on the circumstances. But I'm here to say, when it comes to your standards, ridiculous standards might look like this. I'm gonna say this for a lot of women out there and this is just a generalization. But your standard might look like he has to be over six foot tall, has six back abs, be worth $100 million and he's kind of animals and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. In other words, you're looking for Prince Charming, okay? That might be setting too high of a standard, okay? That's not the standards I'm talking about. I'm talking about the mechanics to your relationship. That's a standard you should never compromise or at least from my perspective, you shouldn't compromise on it and that's my invitation for you as well. So again, standards, one side of the coin, boundary, the other side of the coin, I shared with you my standard and my hope is by sharing that standard I've given you an opportunity to come up with your own standard as well. Did that help Christy? Please let me know by hitting that like button and if this content's resonating with you, please hit that like button, thank you so much. All right, Christy, thank you so much. All right, Kimberly writes, question, I seem to focus on the outcome too much and can't enjoy my presence. How do I shake that nasty bitch? Nasty habit, excuse me. Oh God, I can't believe I had a Freudian slip there. So how do I shake my thinking process of being in the future? Most people tell me one of the ways to help an individual become present is to meditate, to meditate. And I don't mean 10 minutes of meditating in the morning. I'm talking about regular meditating and the best way to regulate your mind is through your breath. I'm gonna repeat that through your breath. So if you wanna become present, folks, I'm laughing because most of you know, I get really wound up when I shoot my videos if you follow my work. It's amazing how present you become when you just take three deep breaths. I mean, it's amazing. Everybody do it with me. Yeah, that's a great way to come present. The other thing is the monkey mind. So here's my way of helping me break my monkey mind pattern. And I have something I learned from a Seinfeld episode and this is what I repeat in my head frequently. And it goes like this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I just repeat that to help get out of my monkey mind along with breathing to help calm my central nervous system because that overthinking is our, especially when we're in a state of anxiety, is our brain is like this. And so one of the reasons why I do, God, here's where's my cannabis? One of the reasons why I do this shit every once in a while, if anyone knows what that is, and why I do mushroom journeys is a way to calm that monkey mind, is a way to get out of intellectualizing my life and actually living my life through my emotional side. Folks, the real value in life is not intellectualizing your feelings, the real value in life is when you can operate as your feelings as your guide, as your barometer. And I gotta tell you, it's a much better, it's a spicier way to live life, I gotta tell you, because most people just live their life in their head and sure they get through life mechanically speaking, very routine based, but when you can live your life through your heart, it's gonna be like a fucking rollercoaster. I mean, it is just, oh my God, it's a rollercoaster when you live your life through your emotional side because there's good, the bad, it's like you're gonna experience it all. And I gotta tell you, as fucked up as it is sometimes, it is a blast to live your life through your emotional side. This is why it cracks me up whenever I get complaints, Jonathan, you pander to women, Jonathan, you're such a simp, Jonathan, you're so feminine, because I happen to have a capacity that tapped into my emotional side and believe me, I experience every single emotion that's known to man, sometimes in one given day, it feels like. Hi, happy, sad, distraught, all these different feelings. And to me, that's a much more exciting way to live than living in your head. And so many of you are living in your head. In fact, when I work with a private coaching client, by the way, there's a link below to check out a discovery call with me. One of the things I help them do is to get out of their head and into their heart. Ladies, I know so many of you think you're great at the emotional side, and I can tell you, most people coming back to my emotional skills, they're dysfunctional, they are dysfunctional in their skills. And believe me, it's taken me a decade to get out of dysfunctionality and to some, and I'm still checking the tip of the bellies, I'm touching the aunt's belly in understanding how to navigate life in a place of inner peace, in a place where I'm genuinely, as my book says, loving on myself. And that's my invitation for everyone. So coming back to your original question there, what was the question? I can't even remember now what the question was. Anyway, oh, here's the question, Kimberly. How do I shake that nasty habit? Hey, breathing and checking in with yourself is at least a good start. Okay, great question. I hope that helped, Kimberly. Thank you so much. All right, let's go swimming. Monique has a question. Question, I'm 53, dating a nice man who's 65. He's really, he's really ready for sex. I'm not even close. How do I discern if I'm not attracted or just afraid of getting hurt? That's a deep question, Monique. And I don't think we can answer that today. I can't predict how you operate from that regard about what's your past experiences that caused you to get hurt, what hurt your negative patterns, your limiting belief in your life. You're talking about a very deep, complicated question. I might suggest going to a therapist as well to get to the bottom of what's causing the blocks. But I will tell you this, be genuine to him because if you're not ready for a relationship, then it's not fair to him either. And I'm not talking about the sex piece, but if you've got some blocks, that's healing you do on your own time, or you can invite him in what's going on with you and express what's going on. Just kind of like the way I've outlined in this live stream and maybe the two of you can come together in healing you as well. So that's my invitation for you, but definitely seek therapy on that one because that's outside of my area of expertise. All right, Monique, thank you so much. All right, Patricia says, I just signed up to Facebook dating a month ago. I use those exact standards in my bio. Way to go, Patricia, thank you so much. Mary Ann's question is what are some of the things that you've noticed in women's profiles to help them to stand out from other women? Oh, great question. How can you stand out from other women on dating profiles? Well, first and foremost, starts with your photographs. Okay, crisp quality pictures, crisp quality pictures. I gotta tell you most women's profile pictures make me wanna bomb it. I mean, they are just such crappy photographs. And I'm talking they're wearing sunglasses. They've got 20 friends in the picture. It's blurry photographs, just to name a few. The picture of the sushi plate you ate the night before. You have six photographs to post. They should be crisp, clear photographs of yourself, head shots and body shots. Men wanna see the body, you wanna see the body as well. So crisp, clear body shots. Now, when it comes to your essay, I'm gonna read you my essay to help you get some context if this helps at all. But I'm gonna read you my essay. I actually borrowed this from, not borrowed, I heard this from somebody else and I thought it was great for me. But my profile says this, for the past four years, I've been on a dramatic journey to become vulnerable, authentic, seeking a woman ready to explore the depths of intimacy. You up for deep meaningful conversations and a slight sense of humor, warp sense of humor. I'm your guy. Are you a fan of the course of miracles? Me too. And basically I'm seeking an empty nester. So I've laid out a couple really juicy tidbits right from the beginning to capture someone. And if you need some help with that, there are definitely dating website or sites out there that will help you write your profile. That's not my area of expertise. I critique profiles, but that's not my area of expertise. But if you wanna stand out, have stellar pictures, ladies, I look at your pictures all day long. I'm on the dating apps as well. I'm on Bumble, I'm on Hitch, I'm on Match. Hinge, I mean, I'm on Tinder as well. And no, Tinder's not just a hookup place. They're all hookup places and they're all places to meet people. They're all places for catfishes. They're all places for dysfunctional. It's the whole gamut. By the way, it's called the virtual world versus the real world just because the real world isn't any different. People are just as fucked up out in the real world as they are in the virtual world. It's just easier to hide. The thing is, I look through profiles and I'm actually asking myself, if you're gonna put such a shitty profile and you're an attractive woman, what is shitty relationship? What kind of effort are you gonna put in the relationship? Because if your profile is shitty, that tells me you're gonna put shitty effort into the relationship, or at least that implies it to me. I'm just, that's a judgment on my part. I'm gonna own that. But my, here's my point. If you were trying to get a job with the, like if you were trying to get a job at the, like I don't care, Elon Musk, Richard Branson, I'm just picking two names that popped up in the top of my head. If you wanna get, if you're getting a job interview with either one of those people, would you show up with your, with the clothes from your dirty hamper all wrinkled and everything? Would you have, you know, would your hair be disheveled and everything? Because that's dating profiles today. Garbage in is gonna be garbage out. So if you wanna improve your chances, create a stellar profile to grab their attention. Are you with me? Can I get an amen? Hit that likes button as well. Thank you so much. Great question, Marianne. I really appreciate it. All right. Woo, we are rocking and rolling. Question, how do you, how quickly do you think people should introduce one another to close friends and family? Oh, I love this question. How quickly? So here's my feeling on this. If two people have connected on a first date or first meeting, I should say, and then they have a first date relatively soon after that, and they have a third date relatively soon after that and a fourth date relatively soon after that and a fifth date relatively soon after that. And they're talking about physical intimacy with one another, which usually happens somewhere between the third and 10th date. And they've decided they're going to explore a relationship together. And it means they're going to explore being boyfriend and girlfriend with one another. Now, a lot of people would say 10 dates, I need way more time than that. Folks, it doesn't have to take longer than that to decide, somewhere between the third and 10th date, you can decide to be monogamous and exclusive with one another. Wait, Jonathan, never be exclusive with a total stranger. It's only exclusive in the sense as you're going to just maybe take a little time out of your life to swiping 5,000 guys every single day and talking to 5,000, swiping 50 guys a day, talking to five guys a day, take a break for a few weeks while you explore one person, take a few weeks to explore one person to see if there's any merit, some meat in this bone, if you will. And if you decide to explore a relationship together, then introduce to some of your friends because your friends are an important part of this equation and your friends are part of the vetting process as well. I have one client who says, I will not go into a serious relationship until some of my friends have met the person I'm with. So I invite you to incorporate your friends in the process as well. It's kind of funny on a total side note. This week, this week, or last week I heard from a friend of mine who was, she's in a relationship for five years right now and I said, how did the two of you meet? She goes, well, it was kind of on a bumble date. I go, what do you mean kind of a bumble date? She said, well, my girlfriend had a bumble date with a guy and she wanted moral support. So I went with her to meet the guy. And so the two of them went together to meet the guy. And when she felt safe, her girlfriend gave her the, that's from, what's that from? Shoot, what's the movie from? It'll come to me, Robert Redford and Paul Newman. God dang it, now piss me off, you know that little sign. Anyway, she gave him the sign. And so my friend went to go sit at the bar and when she was sitting at the bar, there was a guy by himself at the bar and they got to talking. And next thing you know, they had went on a date a few weeks later and a few weeks after that, or a few days after that, they went on another date and another date. Now they've been together five years. It was a bumble date, but not her bumble date, her best friend's bumble date. So I thought that was kind of a huge story. By the way, can anyone remember this is from? I can't remember it. Can you post a comment? Cause it's really gonna bug me. Paul Newman and Robert Redford. Oh my God, I can't believe I'm going brain dead on that one. All right, let's jump into more questions. So thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, no, it's not Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid. It's the other one where they were gambling. They were con men. All right, let's, wow. We have lots of questions here. We're gonna take Jody Lynn. All right, how quickly do you think? Oh, we already did that one. Sorry. Let's see. Sweet light says question. Is it a bad indicator if I feel a tight chest when communicating via text with a guy? He actually also said he, wait, he actually also said he the same to me that he feels stress communicating with each other. Interesting. So I think that's a good possibility that your intuition is saying you're not a match for one another. I'm gonna repeat that. I think either your ego is sabotage. Well, a couple of things. Either your intuition is saying you're not a good match for another or your ego, the unhealthy part of your ego is trying to sabotage this. Could be your healthy ego too, because it could be your intuition. So here's the deal. If something feels off, it usually is. The problem is we are so stubborn that we have to figure out what's off. So we invest all this time with the wrong person only to find out what's the definition of insanity doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. Sometimes your intuition is screaming at you. Stop, stop, stop, stop. And maybe that's what's happening. That's at least one possibility. Now, could this mean something else? By the way, being curious in your life, exploring things from a curious mind is a great way to approach life. So I certainly invite you to explore this from a curious place to see what's deeper there. But if he's feeling and you're feeling it, chances are it's probably not a fit, but that's, listen. You're gonna have to find out for yourself. But I will tell you your intuition is oftentimes screaming at you and at least listen to it. When you start to actually hear your intuition, you'll know exactly what to do and that's my invitation for you. So, sweet light, thank you so much. I appreciate that. All right. Carolyn B says, question. How do I handle a guy who got scared off when I brought up relationship, went quiet for a week and now is texting me again, but hasn't asked to see me? How do I handle, so, well, have you slept to, okay, so this is ladies where this gets tricky. How long have you been seeing each other? Have you had sex together? Now, if you brought up the relationship conversation and he got scared, then you might wanna come back to the four questions to improve your relationship. In what way can I improve, what way can I improve upon as a partner? Do you have any needs that you feel are being neglected? Is there something I've done that you still hurt over and what do you need for me to help heal and what can I do to help you feel more loved? Folks, start to be radically honest. Ask deeper questions. Ask deeper questions. Folks, before the penis goes inside the vagina, read the book Eight Dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman purchase two copies of this and tell them, look, if you wanna fuck me, then you're gonna have to read this with me. By the way, I can't tell you in the last month, I've gotten six emails from women who have done exactly what I said. They're either dating a guy, they've had sex and now they introduced the book or they introduced the book right from the get-go I'm getting so many accolades because they're having better conversations with the guys instead of how's your day going? I hope you're having a good day, did you have a good day? Wow, I'm hoping you really have a good day. Folks, it's because you're having such surface level conversations, you're not getting to the real meat of a relationship and I recommend these books over and over again. By the way, if you haven't read the book are you the one for me by Barbara DeAngeles? This is a thick motherfucker. This is gold, this is gold. This will help you stop being so naive and start asking better questions just like talking to strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. Listen, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and my invitation for you, Carolyn, is to ask deeper questions about what's going on here because if a guy can't handle a relationship conversation now, look at, let's stop giving guys a break here. Either you shit or get off the fucking pot. You shit or get off the fucking pot. Stop giving men such a break. Look at ladies, if I could be there for you on a first date, I'd have my shotgun ready. I'd be your big brother standing at the door with the gun pointed at his nose saying, what are your fucking intentions with my little sister? Because if you fuck her over, this gun is gonna be shot at your fucking face. I'm being rhetorical here. And at the same time, the point is you've got to stand up for yourself because guys aren't gonna do it for you. How you set the standard, set the stage right from the very beginning helps you determine if this is a person worse than investing in you or not. And if a guy's attracted to you and he feels good with you and he's stimulated by your mind and his mind is stimulated by you, he's gonna invest in you. The sad part is most human beings are rather dysfunctional coming back to my emotional maturity relationship skills. This is true of men and women alike. Most people are dysfunctional. How do you get out of the dysfunction by asking better questions right from the get-go? Can you do this for me, please? Can you ask better questions of one another instead of winging it? Because the definition of insanity is trying to do the same thing, especially the traditional way of doing things or the rules-based way of doing things like playing hard to get or not approaching guys and making a guy, by the way, I had one coach say that she wouldn't date a guy if he didn't pay for the valet. She wouldn't date a guy if he didn't pay for the valet. I'm like, that's a selfish way of approaching things. It was what you could get, not what you could give. This is why if you wanna know how fucked up it is most humans are takers. They're not operating from a heart-centered place of being radically honest, open, vulnerable, authentic, transparent. And I know many of you are afraid of getting hurt, but here's the thing. Nobody, unless you have to call a doctor, a policeman, an attorney, nobody can hurt you. Nobody can hurt you. So don't protect yourself. Be more open and stop playing the stupid traditional narrative games and start treating a relationship like a two-lane street. That's my invitation for you. All right, I rambled on that one. Thank you so much, Carolyn, for your question. I hope I answered it. I know I got off track there, so thanks so much. All right, we're gonna take one more. Jane says, question. Met a guy Saturday night, drank a little too much wine, and we kissed. He asked me out again, but now I have not heard back. Do you think I went overboard? No, you were being human. Listen, I've had sex with women on a first date and we'd end up being boyfriend and girlfriend. So listen, this whole narrative that men judge you because you kiss, because you... Now, did you get belligerent drunk? Well, that might create a little bit of concern. I once went out with a woman who got belligerent drunk. Oh my God, do you guys wanna hear a funny story? I met this woman and I drove all the way to where she lived, which was an hour, almost two hours from where I lived. It was bumfuck Egypt is where she lived. And we sat at the bar and I ended up having, like I have like six or seven cocktails over a three-hour period. And I think she had the same. But it turned out she had no, did we eat? We met for drinks. I think, oh yeah, we shared a bowl of pasta. But anyway, she got either alcohol poison or something. And she literally passed out on the bar. I mean, at the bar, you know. And I didn't know what to do. And so thank God, the bartenderess was a woman. I said, listen, I go, this is the... I'm on a first date with a woman. Would you open her purse and find her driver's license number? And her driver's license, if I could figure out where she lived. I mean, she was literally passed out drunk. And then I asked the bartenderess if she and another person could, I could drive her car. He drove my car. She drove with him. Anyway, long story short, I had like, we closed down the place. I had asked two people that worked there to help me drive her to her place. And then it was a clusterfuck to get in because she had a combination code to get into her place. Anyway, we somehow figured out how to get her inside our house, put her on her couch and I left. And that's funny. I haven't thought about this story in ages and why I'm sharing it with you. It did make me think twice about her. Although we did go out on another date. It was just too far of a drive to begin a relationship with this person. But I did judge her for that. But I think we also should give people the benefit of the doubt. So in this particular case, I don't know what happened but you didn't do anything wrong. You're a human being. You had a couple drinks and you kissed them. There's nothing wrong with that. At least in my book anyway. But everybody's book is different. You have to decide if that works in your book or not. So Jane, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate it. All right. Oh, Blue-eyed wolf got the movie right. The sting, I couldn't believe. I can't remember one of my all-time favorite movies and I went brain, oh, can't say that. I had a brain fart there. So thank you so much. All right. Jody Lynn says, thank you so much for the answer. I'm gonna invite him to my best friend's card night. Yay! Amarita says, sweetheart, thank you, Jonathan. The confidence you, your help has given me has been amazing. Thank you for your videos. I love you so much, amazing friend, my sweetheart. And continue to grow. Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate that. Oh, thank you so much. Suzette, thank you so much, sending you a big hug. I wish I had that type of radar. Good for you. All right, folks, you know what? It's Monday night. We're gonna take one more question. Let's see. This is our final question for the night. Lynn says, intellectual compatibility. I'm 50, see a guy three months who's needy, lower self-esteem, but head over heels with me. I have no connection, sexual attraction, or respect. Can I make it work? You know, we can make anything work. We can make anything work. There must be a reason why you're seeing him. And my guess is because he's into you, that's validating something missing within yourself because the fact that you're not into him, but you feel good that he's getting you a 10, this is just my speculation, or I'm not saying this is a fact, this is just my speculation, that you're getting something from this and most likely it's something missing inside yourself. So my invitation for you is to get my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, and start working and asking you, because this is a journey of personal development, self-help, and spiritual work, and ask yourself, what's missing in me that makes me continue to wanna see a person I'm not into? What am I getting out of this? Number one, what am I getting out of this? Especially with someone I'm not interested in, and maybe what's missing inside of me, because my guess is, you're feeling a sense of validation because he's into you, but that's never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever gonna work out in my humble opinion. Or if I said, there's a 1% chance, if I said there was a 1% chance, you guys would hold out for the 1%. Focus on people you have a connection with instead of those people you feel disconnected with because those rarely ever work out in the long run. Now, chances are you could also be sabotaging this, but that's usually a sign that something, again, is missing inside of yourself. So you're probably blocked at any of the value he might bring to the relationship. It's hard to say, just on a couple lines in a chat box. So those are just my rough thoughts on that one. So, Lynn, thank you so much for your question. I really appreciate it. Sadie, okay, this will be my last question of the night. Question, Jonathan, how far is too far to drive to meet someone? If they're really like you, would it make a difference? So I'm gonna look at this the way I would do this. Okay, if I am enamored with her photographs, in other words, and I'm enamored by the phone call we have, I mean, we have one of these great phone calls, I would drive a thousand miles to meet someone or I'd jump on a plane to meet someone. I mean, if I really thought we were clicking and we were mutually attracted to one another and we did a FaceTime together, I would jump on an airplane, even though everybody knows how much I don't think long distance relationship works, I think there's certainly always the exception to the rule. Here's the problem, in most the time when I look at dating profiles, and it's usually that's how I'm meeting people, I'm thinking, eh, there are maybe, and when there are maybe, I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna drive five miles away when I feel like it's a maybe or 10 miles away. So I usually say, let's split the difference. So my radius is usually less than 50 miles, so the most I drive is 25 miles for a maybe, maybe be surprised, maybe I'll be surprised, you know, the stupid you just never know, sometimes I do that. But in all my experience, it's never worked out unless there was a really compelling reason why to meet one another, we really hit it off, we did a couple Zoom calls or whatnot, then I would probably go the ends of the earth for someone, but not just a surface, couple text messages without any real deep connection on the telephone or a Zoom call, I probably wouldn't invest more than 25 miles. That's just my personal preference, I'll leave it up to you. But Sadie, that's a great question, and I hope that helped, so thank you so much. All right, folks. FL says, Sadie, 30 to 45 minutes tops, that's kind of what I was saying earlier. Although in LA, 25 miles could be two hours, so. All right, folks, I hope I helped you out tonight. If I have, please hit that like button, let me know you appreciate this. Please purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat to honor my son, Connor, also helps me support personal development work, so I'd really appreciate that support. As always, if you find value in my content, please share my video with your friends, I'd really love to get more support. Help me get to that 100,000 subscriber mark, I'd really appreciate your help and support on that. So just as a reminder, the four questions to improve your relationship. Number one, in what way can I improve upon as a partner? And this helps with our blind spots. Number two, do you have any needs that you feel are being neglected? Number three, is there something I've done that you're still hurt over? What do you need from me to help you heal? And lastly, what can I do to help you feel more loved? I think these are four great questions to include in your repertoire when you're in a relationship with someone to help build deeper intimacy with one another so you can form a much stronger, healthier, happier relationship. Are you with me? If you say yes, please give me an amen. All right, we're gonna wrap up this video as we always do. First off, I'm gonna give myself a big gigantic shot to bear a hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank you so much. Wishing you a fabulous evening. Bye now. And I'm gonna say goodbye to Nicole and CeCe and FL and Suzette and Mary Ann and Catherine. Just to name a few, you ate Sadie. Everyone have a great evening. Bye now.